Milestones

Emery has usually been pretty good about hitting milestones about a month after most websites/books/doctors say she should. But, last Wednesday we had her 12 month check up (3 months late), and she had to have two shots. When the doctor asked me if she knew any words, I really had nothing for her. Emery really doesn't talk. She babbles, and she can literally say maybe five words:

Buh-bye 

(she waves while saying it)

Mama

(me)

Dadda

(my husband)

Nana

(my mom and bananas)

Ouch

(when she gets hurt)

And those three in the middle all sound the same, right? So it’s not like she’s really learning different ones. The doctor told me that around 1-1 1/2 years old most children know about ten or more words. Great. I’m a failure. My kid’s dumb. Then, right as she’s asking me about her language, and if she’s trying to speak at all Em goes straight to the diaper bag and pulls out her binky. “Oh! She still uses a pacifier?” Oh, boy. I must be the biggest failure ever! The doctor said that the binky can cause a delay in speech. She said that children have a tendency to want to point at things instead of saying them, especially if they are still allowed their binky. Well, Emery usually does point at what she wants. Man, if only the doctor knew how hard it is to get that damn paci away from my daughter, who actually seems to keep a stash hidden from me somewhere. I kid you not, I’ll take one away and before I know it either she’s found the one I took or she has a whole different one in her mouth?! Or I wonder if the doctor knows how hard it is to put her to sleep without her binky? Good lord, I’d be up till midnight if it weren’t for that thing. She went on about how it can also cause problems later on down the road, and how we can’t check if she’ll have speech problems due to the frenulum of the tongue until she starts to actually talk. That put some heat on me. I mean seriously? What am I suppose to do? Emery goes at her pace, and if she doesn’t want to say it she won’t. So, the doctor went on to check her reflexes, her eyesight, and her teeth. Everything looked perfect! Then she asked about what we were giving her to eat and drink. Well, she eats some of our food, but mainly baby stage three foods, and we give her 2% organic w/DHA milk. Apparently, most people switch to whole milk by now, and most kids are eating mainly regular food. Well, crap. I’m just not doing my job, huh? I told her I’d get her all switched up, and that I’d start working with her more on words. Emery got two shots (still hurts me to the core to watch that). Em cried out and tried reaching out to me, then the lady took her precious time with the second shot, and it was just awful! I’ll admit, my eyes watered up. It took a lot to keep me from crying right there.

When I got home, I talked to my husband about what the doctor said and he thought we should take the binky from her right away. No more binky, and more teaching. Well, that didn’t work as planned. She’s currently in her crib, with her binky. But then asked my mother, and she told me not to listen to the doctor. She said that we had our pacifiers till we were about two years old. My dad was upset at me for “relying on doctors so much”. That was a conversation, that I could have done without. But after a lot of thinking, I’ve decided on some things.

1) She will only get the binky before bedtime, and naps. She is not allowed to have it at any other time. Slowly easing the transition.

2) Along with reading books, I’ll be taking her outside more too. Kids learn from seeing, watching, and feeling.

3) We’ll change her over to whole milk as soon as I run out of the 2%, but it will still be organic.

4) My parents are really going to have to start obeying my rules when it comes to what she eats since I’ll be transitioning her to adult food.

So, now my questions: How do you guys feel about this? Do you think that the doctor is right? Should I take the binky away for good? When did you guys stop giving your kids baby food? Any good advice on helping speech comes along with a 1 1/2-year-old? And do you believe in these milestones, or are you more of a “they’ll learn when they’re ready” type?

Blog Face Lift

My blog is undergoing some changes! I’m messing around with different layouts and different colors. I want to have a nice, neat look to my blog and I feel like I’m definitely taking a step in the right direction. I’ve updated the “About Me” page, and it’s a lot longer. Kind of explains why I am, the way I am. Also, “The Family” page has been changed to “My Heart” and it has updated pictures as well as some fun little details about my husband and baby girl! I’ve also taken the buttons that were on the left side of the page (that did a marquee scroll) labeled “Please Pray” down, and made it, it’s very own page labeled “Prayer Requests”! So please check out all these new/updated pages and feel free to leave me some feedback. I’ve also been messing around with different blog titles. I couldn’t really find one that I really liked, until now. I had some other ideas as well but some didn’t quite fit me. Here are some of the ones I had come up with:

my very own weetzie bat

(a character in a book that I LOVE; a girl growing up)

itty bitty wings

(sometimes I call Em my little bird; reference to bird wings)

daughter of mine

(self-explanatory; lyric to a song)

a little ocean

our little ocean

my little ocean

(in reference to my daughter’s name)

Also, I had thought about keeping “Our Little Bird”, but it just didn’t seem personal enough to me. So, it was a three-way tie between the three ocean titles. And as you can see “my little ocean” won. I feel like this is a lot more personal. At least until baby number two comes up, and that’s a big leap. So for now, the blog title shall remain as so. LOL! If my husband ever decided to do guest posts, I’ll change it to “our little ocean”. Damn, I’m so indecisive.

Anywho, today was the last day of school for some of the areas around here, and the only way this affects me is that now I won’t have to wait 30 minutes to get Starbucks! Yippie!! I’m super excited about that! Other schools, however, have to wait till next week but we’re all getting a three day weekend! Today, when I got home, I ran my mile (in 104-degree weather) and called it a day. Watched a movie and had some much-needed downtime. Tomorrow I’ll be up bright and early –7 am, to go hit the local Flea Market with my mother and Emery! I’m hoping to get there early enough to score some good deals and beat the heat. And I’ve decided I’m not touching laundry tomorrow at all. It’s sitting in a pile, and even though I’m completely disgusted with myself for not doing it, I’m taking a break. Hmph! Laundry and all other chores will be done and completed on Sunday because we’re off work on Monday!! Hopefully, I’ll have some good pictures from this upcoming weekend. Maybe Emery in her pool if it gets hot enough? Who knows? I’m just going to try and relax as much as I possibly can! Hope everyone else has an awesome Memorial Day Weekend!

Heat Exhaustion

It happened.

And it really really sucked.

Last week, Wednesday to be exact, I went for a run. At first, I felt great. Then at around 1 mile, my legs started shaking. My right arm got really tingly. At 1.49 miles, I stopped because my legs started wobbling. This has never happened before. I walked the rest of the way home, and my legs were in pain. Like, someone had stabbed my calves. I decided I need to slow down. To rest my legs, and take a break for a few days. Saturday morning, I decided to go for a run. It seemed like I had had 2 days to recoup, so I should have been fine. I did a mile run, and my legs started feeling funny again. Ok, maybe I needed a longer break?

Well, this Wednesday I went for a run again. Since I hadn’t run in 3 days, I figured I’d be ok to start back up. I stretched, turned on my Nike app, and I was off!! I felt amazing! I hit one mile, and I still felt like I had a spring in my stride. So, onward I went. I really shouldn’t have done that. Not only did I not take water with me (I was only supposed to do a mile), but it was about 95° out. I hit a little over 1.5 miles and my fingers went numb. Both arms were tingly, and then I felt my legs start to get that “stabbing” feeling again. By two miles, my chest felt like it was so tight and my head felt like it was going to explode. My arms were numb, and my fingers were HUGE! I stopped and walked the rest of the way home.

When I finally got home, the pain hadn’t stopped and I felt like what I imagine having a heart attack would feel like. I went into my brother’s room because our room wasn’t as cold yet. I felt like I needed something COLD to fix me up. Make me feel better. Turns out that was a bad move. My brother and Kim saw the swelling, and when I told them how I felt I was instructed to immediately lay down and elevate my feet. They gave me some warm water, and my brother said my body was entirely too hot. Then, the pain in my back started. It hurt to move and I felt like I was going to throw up. After about thirty minutes of laying there the feeling in my arms came back. My legs weren’t in as much pain, my headache had dulled down, and my chest didn’t feel so tight. But, I was freezing. It was 89° out and I needed a jacket. A side effect my brother said is normal. He said when this happened to him, his body temperature was off for a few days. The past two days have left me totally understanding what he meant. It’s been 80°-100° outside, 75° inside our office, and I feel like I should have worn jeans and a sweater. My skin is cold, and I feel a little weak every now and then.

So now, I’ve learned a lesson. If it’s over 85° outside, make sure to take water with me. And if at all possible, try to go run later in the afternoon. That feeling from Wednesday just wasn’t pleasant. I need to be smarter. Had I gone farther, there is a good chance that I could have ended up having a heat stroke. And that would have sucked even more. 

Here We Go!

I wish life had a pause button. I could really use a breather. This past weekend was awful! I spent the majority of Saturday and Sunday cleaning. At one point Emery got tired of being inside so we took a break and I aired up her little pool. She absolutely LOVED it! It took her a second to get warmed up to this new “play thing”, but when she finally got comfortable she was splashing around. She did fall backwards, once, but I was in the pool with her (it wasn’t filled up very high) and I got her right back up. I could tell it scared her for a second, but after that she was more cautious about her steps. Now, she keeps pointing at the pool every time we go outside, but the weather has been pretty crappy (we are currently under tornado watch) so we haven’t been able to let her get back in it. Hopefully this week gets better. 

Then, on Saturday night I bought myself a bottle of hypnotic but I didn't even get to finish it. I literally had MAYBE a glass. That was the only down time I was allowed. On Saturday my house looked as nice as it could get. Then Sunday came around and we had to move stuff out which caused it to look like crap again. Right now it’s in between because I did not want to move a single finger yesterday. Well, in the cleaning department anyway. My whole BODY is sore from Saturday and Sunday. This has not been fun. 

Yesterday, I went to Weatherford College to talk to an advisor. Like I had stated in one of my last posts, I want to get back into school but I need some guidance/direction. Well, I got some great feedback! Kim came with me, and I am so thankful for her! I had Emery (we missed her dr. appointment too-oops!), and the drive up there wasn’t too bad. She helped me with Emery, and let me vent out some of my worries, and frustrations (which was VERY much needed). She came in with me, and reminded me of some questions I had. When I was talking to the adviser, she looked after Em. So Kim, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR GOING WITH ME!! As for the feedback, this is what I got: 

Yes, my homeschool transcript will be accepted. No I do not have to take a SAT/ACT/GED test, but I will be taking the COMPASS placement test. Once I take that, if I have any areas that I still need to work on, I will take those basic classes first. She told me where to go to take a “career” quiz to kind of give me an idea as to what I want to study. She also told me to go ahead and apply for financial aid, send in my transcript, and enroll to WC. Then, I can call and schedule a date to take the placement test on a Saturday. After that, I’ll go back to talk about the score, see what areas need more study, and go from there! 

I’M SO NERVOUS! And so excited at the same time! I’m worried about not remembering stuff, and being out of school for so long. YIKES! I’m worried about whether or not I’ll be eligible for financial aid or not, because that’s the ONLY way I could attend. But, I feel like this is a step in the right direction. This is the first step in securing my family a BETTER future! This is my first step at getting us OUT of here!! So, I'm going to our local bookstore today to find a compass study guide, and I’m going to take the books Kim’s mother gave me and brush up on a lot of the subjects. Hopefully by the end of next month, if not sooner, I’ll send my stuff in and get ready to register for FALL classes!! 

*does a little happy dance* 

So, that’s what I’m aiming for! I’m hoping that this all goes through and that I am able to get financial aid. I’m hoping that I can really do this and be good at it. I’m hoping that God allows me to succeed. But now, more than ever, do I really really want a vacation. Just one little trip for like a week. To get some DOWN time before I head into this college madness, because I want to finish in TWO years. I doubt we’ll get to, but it would be nice. I know that going back to school will be stressful, and we might end up a little tight on money. I know that it will be hard, and I might get burned out, but I have to do this. So here’s to a new adventure!

Flashback Friday - Summer Time

May 2007.

I was getting ready to make a big move. To California. I was so in love and heartbroken all at the same time. I was terrified and excited because I had never lived away from my parents. I was so ready, and yet so unprepared.

That day, which I can’t even remember the exact date that I left (I'm sure it's written down in one of my journals), but it was one of the best days of my life. I traveled across New Mexico, Arizona, and finally California. My family came with me because they knew we’d get lost, or run into some car trouble (which we did), and none of us knew ANYTHING about how to fix it or read a map correctly. LOL! I remember seeing the California sign as we crossed the state lines. I remember the mountains, the winding road, and the sun getting ready to go down. My brother was driving, Kim was in the passengers seat and I was in the back so giddy and excited. I can remember my stomach doing summer saults. My brother put in this song:

And that was my grand entrance into California. A few days later my parents were getting ready to leave, and I was crying. We all were crying actually. Even my dad and my brother. :-) I remember seeing them leave and feeling so alone, so uncertain, and yet so independent. I think I cried for them for at least a good month. But, my time in California was really and truly amazing. I learned a lot and I had a lot of fun out there! The good times, the bad times, and the worst of times were all completely worth it. I fell in love with it.

Fallbrook, Ca 2007- My Boyfriend (now husband) and I

I sometimes question myself on why I pushed for us to come back. But mainly, I question myself on whether I will ever get to go back. I wish that we could go back one day. With all of my heart, I wish we could. Unfortunately, there is really nothing financially smart about us going back. Here at least we both have jobs. We are lucky to have a sitter that loves our daughter and refuses to take any more than $70 (which I had to force) a week. We have financial support if we need it. And despite things being a little crazy, sometimes a bit miserable, we’re getting by. We’re doing ok. I know several people out there that aren’t as lucky. And they keep saying it's only going to get worse.

I really want to go visit soon. If we can’t ever move back out there, then I at least want to take vacations out there. I almost bought tickets last week (they were $260 round trip-nonstop flight!) but then our “Check Engine” light came on, so we have to wait and see what that problem is before making any big spending decision. Plus, it would probably deplete our savings account. Which would mean something bad would happen, just because. Still, I really wish we could have gone. 

What fun that would have been...

The Next Step

I had this whole post typed up about how much of a funk I was in. About how I was so disappointed, and tired nowadays. How emotionally I was feeling so off base. But, I want to skip over the whole disappointed part. I just have to shake it off! Get back into my routine, and just keep on going full steam ahead! But at the same time, I need to slow down.

Lately, I have been so tired and I have no idea why. I’ve been getting these major migraines too, and I think it’s because of me quitting sugar and then jumping back into it with a vengeance. Then stopping again. I almost fell asleep at work yesterday (even with a sugar boost), and when I was running I kept wanting to close my eyes! Then, my legs gave out at 1.5 miles. Which never happens! My legs were in pain yesterday, but a different kind of pain than usual. And my right arm broke out in hives. It was weird. But I showered, went over to our friends for a little while, and then came home to watch an episode of Glee before going to bed. My legs giving out was my first clue that I should slow down. Let my body recover before starting up again.

My diet is just blah. I’m having a hard time finding time to prepare my meals ahead of time. So I end up with salads or wraps at lunch. Not a bad choice, but not a good one either. Still, I need to get back on the wagon. And go at it hardcore. I feel all lazy and fat because I haven’t been keeping it up like I should. I think that might also be why I’m so tired. So here’s to hoping I get my motivation back!

Next Monday, I will be headed to a community college close by to talk to admissions about what my steps need to be to get back into school. I need some direction (instruction) on what to do next. And I feel that someone there can probably help me out with this! I am wanting to do online classes because like I stated before, making that drive back and forth would hurt our pockets so bad. And I’ve been looking at what they have to offer online, and I’m hoping that this will end up being a good fit. So, next Monday after Emery’s doctor appointment, I’ll be making the hour-long drive. I want to aim for a goal of starting school NEXT spring. And that’s just to give me some room to study and either take the tests I need or go through the whole GED route. Also, I got my husband thinking about Full Sail University! They have a lot of distance learning choices and a lot of different music based degrees! He loves music! Loves recording, writing, learning. The man can pick up an instrument and teach himself how to use it. He’s also been using a recording program called Fruity Loops, and so far he’s done really well with learning how to use it. So, I think it would be a great idea for him to try it out. Not saying that he will, but I hope he at least thinks about it.

Anyway, that’s about all the updates so far.I’m dabbling with watermarks on photos to see which one I want to use, so forgive me for all of the randoms. Once I get one that I like, I’ll change all of them. Nothing else is new. Daily life has gotten a bit more quiet, my husband is still licking his wounds, and Emery is sprouting. Seriously that little girl needs to stop! I miss my little baby that wanted to cuddle all of the time. She was replaced by a very demanding, independent, and always on the go toddler. Well, almost toddler. It’s a little saddening. Anyway, I hope everyone is doing well! 

School, Again?

I need to get my stuff together. Today, I woke up and I looked around. Just sat there and took everything in. I couldn’t help but feel like a bit of a failure. Emery was there sleeping peacefully, but so many things flashed through my head. About her future. About our family's future.

I’ve dabbled in trying to get back into school or doing continuing education courses before. But I have no idea what I want to do! I don’t know if I could handle being a nurse, or radiologist. Do I want to be a teacher or a business major? I mean seriously, I have no clue what I would find fulfilling! That’s a lot of money that would be wasted if I didn’t stick with whatever it is that I chose. I don’t want to do that. I want to be certain and to get something out of it. Time is so not on my side either! I’ve tried to make time to study before, but it is sooooo hard! I’m a mom, wife, and work full time. Where the hell do I find time to study, go to school, and get all of my other “normal” stuff done? How do other people do it?? Oh, and anything I chose to do, would have to be mostly online because I don’t have the money to be traveling back and forth. So does that limit me on what I can or can not get a degree in? Uggh!! So many QUESTIONS!!

Then, I have a problem with my diploma. It isn’t really valid because of who we went through. I mean, it is valid, I did graduate, but I was homeschooled. And some college don’t accept it unless it was through a credited program. And most kids that are homeschooled end up taking the SAT, ACT, or TAAKS test so that’s how they are able to get into colleges. I never took any of those. I high tailed it out of Texas to go experience “life”. So there are so many circles you have to jump through, it’s ridiculous. But if you don’t have any of those tests taken, you can try going through getting a GED. Which means my diploma would mean nothing, and I’d have to start all over. And I really don’t want that.

But today, when I woke up and looked around. All I saw was us being confined to two rooms. No money to fix up what we needed. Floors halfway finished. No hot water, or working shower and toilet. And I looked at my daughter and couldn’t help but feel ashamed. This is not the life I want for us. I don’t want to be “barely getting by” all of the time. I want to be able to have a job no matter what state the economy is in, and I don’t want to be held back because all I have is a high school education. I want an actual home. I want to be able to fix things when they get broken, not steadily have to save to fix one thing at a time. I want a good sized income. I want to be able to take a vacation! I love my parents and I am so very grateful to them for helping us and for letting us stay in the house next door. It’s a roof over our heads after all. But I don’t want to rely on them forever. I don’t want to always use them as a fallback plan. They don’t deserve that, and my family doesn’t deserve that.

So now, I need to figure out how to get started. There is a really good community college about an hour away, but I work Mon.-Friday 8-5 and they don’t stay open past 4 pm. They don't hold appointments on the weekends either. Right now, I only take days off if Em is really sick because I have no paid vacation of sick days. And trust me, I take a hit if I miss a day. I wish there was someone I could talk to that could just help me! Point me in the right direction, tell me what my steps need to be. Because I have no clue. I don’t know where to get started, and even though I have friends who are going to college, most of them are not in my situation. They’ve taken the tests and so they don’t have to jump through so many hoops.

I’m completely lost. Anyone out there have any advice? I could really, really use some right about now. I know that going back to school is what I need to do. I know that this is the only way I will get anywhere in life really. Especially since I have no other talents or aspiration to own my own company one day. So, now I just have to get there. But that is so much easier said than done. 

A Weekend With No Pictures!

This weekend was exactly what I needed. It was not by any means “slow”, but it was very laid back. I’m still aiming for a weekend where my car does not move from the spot I left it after coming home on Friday.

Not sure if I had mentioned before that some of our friends moved back after being stationed in Hawaii for a year. They arrived last Tuesday, and it has been nice to just walk down the road and have another couple/parent friends so close by. We’ve missed them, and it’s nice for them to be back in Texas. So, Friday night they threw a small coming home party. Beer, and music. I had a few beers, and then sat and enjoyed the music being played. My husband brought over his equipment and was recording them, and at the end of the night, he was playing the drums with them! It was such a nice, fun, drama free evening. We made it home by 11:30 pm, and unfortunately my husband had to be up at 7 am. Still, he was having fun and even when I asked if he wanted to leave around 10 pm, he said he wanted to stay.  I have no pictures from the night! I voluntarily left my camera at home and my cell phone in the car. I didn’t want to be distracted or worry about anything. I did check my phone twice to make sure my mother didn’t call, but other than that I just ENJOYED myself.  Much needed.

Saturday, I spent most of my day at home. Laundry and a bit of cleaning. Then that afternoon I went and bought some groceries (Em was down to two jars of baby food), and ended up getting her a little pool too. But with this random Texas weather, she has yet to be able to play in it. :-( Maybe sometime this week though? Then, Saturday night, we went over to a new friend of ours house to celebrate his wife’s graduation! The first half of the party included kids, but the second part was for adults. So the kids that were in attendance were picked up, and we ended up heading out because my husband was having to work on Sunday as well. Still, we enjoyed some good food, meeting new people, and being able to have Emery along was wonderful. Everyone absolutely loved her!  So that was a good night too. We were home by 12 am.

Sunday, Emery and I slept in till 9 (which hasn’t happened since right after she was born!!) My poor hubby had to go to work at 6 am, so I felt pretty bad. I’m sure Emery could have slept longer but once I saw that it was that “late” I got up and started getting ready for the day. Once my husband got home we were off to his grandmother’s for a cookout! We spent most of the afternoon relaxing, catching up with his side of the family, eating some really good burgers (brownies for dessert), and watching “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”. We made our way home around 4 pm and off to our friends again to just hang out before calling it a day. Emery got to play with their daughter, and some new friends of our little girl (she’s 9 months). She was also able to see the miniature horses, and run around in the yard. We went home around 7 pm and she was OUT for the night. We all climbed into bed and I started on Glee Season One (I had started it before but never finished it).

It was such a nice weekend. And just like Friday, I have no pictures of the rest of the weekend because I was just enjoying myself. Enjoying my family. I was catching my breath and relaxing. I feel a lot better about things this week. I feel a bit rested, and fully capable of facing whatever is coming our way; good or bad. I can handle it and I will overcome it.

Speaking of overcoming things. This weekend my husband and I talked about the incident from last weekend and he’s still only remembering bits and pieces from the night. Some he says are completely blacked out. But he thinks there was someone else involved with the phone incident. Because he remembers giving someone (who shall remain nameless) money for what he thinks was the phone. And like I’ve said before I not once saw him going through anyone’s purse (where the “victim” claims she had left it). Not only that but when we were there that person came in for ten minutes and then left for about an hour. When she returned, we had only stayed about 30 minutes more before leaving. That was not enough time for my husband to dig through a purse, delete all the contacts/pictures/ media, and get rid of the SIM card (which needs a tool because it’s an iPhone). Especially not when on Xanex and drunk. Trust me! Then, we found out some new details about why exactly he was being “blamed”, along with a few other people telling us that they KNOW (or have the suspicion)  that it wasn’t my husband. So the pieces are just not clicking! My husband doesn’t really remember much, and despite me trying to get to the bottom of it, he feels we should just let it go. He says that no one will listen because they only hear what they want. He says it won't restore our good name. It won't undo what was done. And I won’t argue because that’s exactly how these people are. So, he says that whether he took it or not he’ll still face the consequences. I am standing by him. Proudly. And like I said before, we’ll be ok.

Things are good, we are good. We are moving on.  

I Thought Friday Would Never Come

To say this past week was a nightmare, would be an understatement. Filled with disappointment, sadness, and heartache. But, I’ve had worse, and I refuse to let anything break me.

I noticed that I completely spaced on telling you guys about Emery getting “shocked” this past Tuesday. Not sure why it slipped my mind I guess I was just in a bit of a haze. But yea, we were taking a tour of our friends house that’s in the middle of getting redone for them. Emery was playing in the living room, and one of the light sockets was left uncovered. She stuck her finger in it and got zapped. Nothing big, she didn’t get sent to the floor. But she felt it enough to come over to me and start crying. Once, I saw where she was at, and her holding out her finger to me I knew what happened. I went to look at the wall and sure enough, the cover was off. I felt awful about it, and so did our friends. She cried for a bit, but then her daddy made her laugh. So everything was ok. Still a bit scary, and the next day is when we had the choking incident. So, I guess you could say we have all had a rough week.

This has been one hell of a week. I pray that we get a very slow, boring weekend. I need to relax and recharge the batteries. I need to start hearing good things. No more sadness, or death. I really don’t think I could take much more of either. Hope everyone else had a good one though! Hope you didn’t find me too depressing this past week. I promise I’ll be better starting Monday. Also, I’ve decided to do my weigh-ins every Friday. I’m giving my starting weight from when I first decided I needed to get my stuff together and start dieting. I know I’ve been off and on, but at least the numbers are going down right? I’ll be posting every Friday as a way to give me kind of a nice boost for the weekend to come. The goal weight looks pretty drastic, I know. But I’m taking it 10 lbs at a time. Hope the number keeps going down!!

Have a great weekend everyone!!

Weight Loss

Starting: 185 lbs

Last: 170 lbs

Current: 168 lbs

Goal: 130 lbs

Scariest Moment

Emery choked on a bit of apple peel yesterday. It was the most terrifying moment in my life (along with that one time my husband came home with a bloody face). I am so thankful for my husband being there because I froze.

My husband was taking bites of the apple and letting her take bites of the inside. I guess during one of those bites, she took a bit of the unpeeled part. She started wheezing and then making these choking sounds. My husband patted her on her back several times and then he stuck his finger in her mouth and was able to get a piece of it out. She threw up immediately after he took his finger out. We thought that she was fine after that and we sat her down. A few seconds later, she started turning blue in the face and choking again. So, we went through the process all over again, except this time she threw up some more and with it came up some blood. She started shaking and sobbing. I ran next door with her in my arms because I needed someone else to look at her and tell us she was breathing ok. My husband thought there was something else wrong because she was still shaking. But she was actually ok, just scared. We calmed her down, gave her a bath, and changed her. I looked down and realized I was covered in her vomit still.

I felt totally hopeless in those moments. So exhausted, and so scared afterward. I had no idea if we were going to have to call 911, and I have yet to take a CPR class so I felt like I was bound, and tied. Unable to help my baby when she needed me. She kept reaching out to me too. I never want to feel like that again. I never want to feel like I could lose her in a matter of minutes. It was so awful, and after we got her in bed, I kept checking on her. Making sure she was still breathing. Making sure she wasn’t having trouble. She cried a lot in her sleep last night, and I felt so awful. She kept waking up and reaching for me. Once she found me or my husband, she’d fall back to sleep almost instantly. She woke up this morning all smiles.

After this incident, I feel so dumb for feeling like these past few days are just so doom and gloom. I understand that mistakes were made, but we can’t dwell on that or focus so much energy on it when everything could be gone in a second. It makes other things seem so petty and unimportant. My baby girl is my life and to feel like I could have lost her yesterday has left me pretty shaken up.

Terrified.

Taking A Step Back

It has been pouring today. I love the rain. I love how dark it gets. I love the sound of it on the tin roof. God is definitely good. I know from my previous posts that, that last sentence was probably the last thing you expected to hear come out of me today. But, after letting all of those frustrations out, and after really thinking about things, I’ve decided to give myself a day. Today, I will eat whatever I want (in moderation), and I will give out explanations to the people I think we deserve to give one to. I will let myself be a bit angry and sad. I will allow my husband to sulk. I will go home to rest, relax, and love on my family. But after today, it’s on to the next thing. Moving on with life.

We are only human. We will make mistakes. We will have good times and bad ones. Unexpected things will happen. We will do wrong and we will be wronged. We will do good and we will be treated well. We will have such joyful moments and some hard mournful ones. People will love us and say wonderful things about us. Others will hate us and say awful things about us. But such is life. And no matter what we must live, learn, forgive, forget, and move onward. I am at peace with this.

I must not take things for granted. I must enjoy my family, my true friends, and the time we have together. And so long as we try to better ourselves, I refuse to worry about what others think about me and my family. I must leave things in God’s hands, and only worry about what he thinks of us. So after today, it’s back to positive thinking, back to eating healthy, and back to my old self. Because in all honesty, we (my family), are the only ones that really truly matter to me. If we’re healthy and happy, there is nothing more I should need.

And I’m definitely OK with that. 

p/s Thank you Rach for praying for me.

I really appreciate it, and was definitely in need of it.

Please don't stop either, I feel we are about to go through 

some pretty difficult/stressful times. 

p/s/s Please keep Ronan's family in your prayers as well. 

So Much Sadness

I am so emotionally drained.

I kind of feel like I’m just going through the motions. My husband and I talked about “the incident” last night, and we are both disappointed. I really have no idea what he was thinking, but I know from experience that being under the influence of that pill really leaves you without a clue. It’s not an excuse. What he did was wrong, but he did do the right thing by giving it back. So for that, I am proud of him. My husband, on the other hand, is beating himself up over it pretty well. He says he feels like a piece of crap. He keeps telling me that he’s sorry for the things that will be said about me, for being with him. He says he doesn’t deserve any kind of happiness. Anytime he’d laugh he’d stop mid-laugh, and go back to being upset. I told him not to go that far. He still had me and Em. But, I did not appreciate being lied to. I questioned him some more and told him he better answer truthfully. I was in no mood to take anything else, no more lies. I feel satisfied with the answers that I got. Still, he knows what will happen if I find out that he lied to me again. Also, no more pills. If he ever does any of them again, he’ll have to leave. I think the consequences of what he did, and the falling out of some of our friends is really teaching him a lesson though. A pretty hard one.

However, I do not appreciate the threats that were made towards him. I do not appreciate the things being said about him, about us. But, I understand that we reap what we sow. I’m disappointed in some of our “friends”. Disappointed at how mean, cruel, and hurtful they are being. Disappointed at all the judgments being made. Especially when so many of them have done so much worse. Regardless of, if it were years ago or days ago. The mistake was still made. I firmly believe that you can’t be casting stones for a fault that you yourself have committed. I’m disappointed in the band. I’m disappointed at how fast people turned their backs on us. I’m just all around disappointed.

Then, I found out that this little rockstar we had been praying for, lost his battle this past Monday. I am so, so very hurt by this. I stayed up praying for him Sunday night, and begging for him to have more time with his family. Since I heard of his passing I can’t seem to stop spontaneously crying! I am feeling so much pain for his mother. I put myself in their shoes and it hurts too much. I hug Emery so close to me when I have her because I feel like I have to physically hold her and touch her to make sure she’s really here. I know that’s dumb, and I know she’s healthy. But, I feel like it just as easily could have been us. That could have been OUR story. And it makes me so sad to know that this family (or any family for that matter) should ever have to go through this. I've said it so many times, and I'll say it again: No parent should ever have to bury their own baby.

Maya, I am so very sorry. My heart truly breaks for you and your family. I wish I could bring him back to you. You didn't deserve this and Ro especially didn't deserve this! And I am so very very sorry for that. 

via and original

I will never understand why children have to go through any of this. Why must they go through any pain, disease, illness, suffering, or abuse? Why won’t people stop talking about marital rights or “The Wedding”, and start talking about childhood cancer? Or Child Abuse? Or Cystic Fibrosis? Why are there so many selfish people out there that have so much money and spend it on new clothes, make-up, or cars instead of donating it to a cause? Why don’t people take any of these seriously? Why are so many of these organizations underfunded? With as much money as we pay celebrities, we could have advanced so far in research and new drugs. Hell, we might have even found something that could HELP with the money some of these people spend on SHOES! And it blows my mind. It makes me so ashamed...

And finally, I’m just tired. I’m tired of the drama. I’m tired of having to defend ourselves. I’m tired of people bringing negativity into my life. I’m tired of people being two-faced towards us. I’m tired, of everything! I’m so ready to pack up and get the hell out of here! Somewhere no one knows us. I’m wanting to have a fresh start. A new start. Just not sure if we’ll ever get one.   

Yup, We Ended Up Sick.

Happy Mother's Day to all of the MOMMA'S out there!!

Hope you guys had a WONDERFUL weekend!! 

So, first let me start out by saying that I am so very PROUD of my husband. As unpleasant as it was to hear him screaming all afternoon for two weeks straight, it paid off in the end. They totally kicked some major ass for their first show together last Tuesday!! My husband and another guy were the newbies, and they had let another member go a while back, so it felt like they were doing this for the first time all over again. My husband was a bit nervous seeing as how he hasn't really been on stage and in front of a crowd since high school. But after the first song, all of the guys were really in sync and my husband looked as if being the lead was the most natural thing in the world! His second home, if you will. I was beaming throughout the whole show, at how well he was doing! Unfortunately, I didn't get very many pictures and the ones I did get are pretty crappy. I was all ready with my camera and I was testing out the lighting, trying to get a good setting, when it just shut off. I switched the batteries around and it said that they were dead. And me being the smart one, I had no backups. But what really pissed me off, is that after the show, when I was packing up everything, the camera turned back on and the battery status read full. Wth?!?! I was pissed. I know this isn't their only show but I’m a “sentimental/memories” person. I like to document EVERYTHING. So, as soon as I get them uploaded to the computer I'll add the pictures to this post.

Next, I got sick. Tuesday night was great but by 11 pm my nose was all runny, I had a cough, migraine, and body aches. When we got home and picked Emery up from next door, she was all sweaty and her nose was pretty much clogged. Wednesday morning Emery and I woke up with a fever, and crabby moods. We slept in through most of the morning. So I made a doctor’s appointment for the both of us Wednesday afternoon and the verdict was: Emery- Step throat and a cold; Mommy- a Sore throat and a cold (both highly contagious). She gave us some sample stuff, and we each went home with scripts. We’re both feeling a bit better now, I started the medicine immediately, and Emery has definitely improved. By Thursday night she was actually playful and got a good nights sleep in. It has taken me a bit longer to recover, and I have no idea why. I still have some congestion, but I’m feeling a lot better than I was last week! 

Now, on to my diet talk. Eeks! I totally cheated Tuesday night. I had my two beers. But after the show, we wanted to grab something to eat, nothing healthy stays open passed 9 pm, so we got stuck with fast food. I had two Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers. *flinch* Then, yesterday I had a Mocha Coconut Frappuccino with a Double Chocolate Brownie. *double flinch* Yes I know, I know, bad girl! Shame on me. In my defense, I stayed really close to my daily calorie goals BOTH times. Plus, yesterday was Mother's Day, so I felt I should be allowed. LOL! But even though it was junk, I was still within calorie reason. I don't know what it is about being sick that makes me want junk comfort food, but I totally went the healthy route for most of last week. But yes, I’m back to being good and preparing meals ahead of time. I haven’t decided which day I'll be doing WEEKLY weigh-ins on, either Friday or Monday? But, last Friday after noticing that my jeans are starting to fit a bit looser, I stepped on the scales. 170 LBS!!! That's some major motivation to keep going! To stay on TRACK because I really want this!! Size 8, here I come!! 

p/s I ran my first 5K at home last week!! 

Pretty stoked about this!! Now, I just need to work on my time!

We're Getting Sick, Again.

My little bird was feeling pretty crappy on Sunday night. Monday came and she was running a fever, had a runny nose, and a really nasty cough. My mother decided to stay home to take care of her, and when I got home she herself looked like, for lack of a better word, crap! Her nose was runny, she was sneezing, and she had a cough. They both looked tired and weak. Now, usually Monday afternoons I go for a one to two-mile run but yesterday I spent most of my afternoon with a baby in my hands. That was my sign that Em was definitely sick. She wanted to be in my lap the whole time, she cried and moaned randomly, and hardly ate any of her favorite foods/snacks. Night time arrived and she was feeling a little better, but I was feeling like crap. We cuddled in bed, and then her fever got up again. She cried and moaned randomly throughout the night. It was a bit heartbreaking, to not be able to fix it for her, but instead, I just cradled her until she fell back to sleep.

Today, I am feeling pretty cruddy. My nose is a bit running, my throat is sore, I have body aches, and I feel pretty tired and weak. Which is not fun. Mom’s are supposed to be “Super Heroes”, we don’t get sick, right? Then, to top it all off, my husband was complaining of a sore throat this morning. So that makes three of us total in our household that aren’t feeling very well. The last time this happened, it took us a good two months to get rid of it! So, I’m really hoping this passes! Not to mention my husband has his first show tonight!! (<--Yay!!) I’d really hate for him to not be able to perform at his best. He really, really wants tonight to go well. Plus, I don’t want to attend his first show looking/feeling like crap either. I want it to be a good night out for both of us!

Also, today is Day 2 of my “eat clean” diet! No sugar, no bread. Whole foods, meats, and lots of WATER! I’m doing this for 30 Days, along with my continued running schedule, and I hope to see good results at the end of the month!! I got the inspiration from Jess over at IROCKSOWHAT! She’s truly an inspiring lady and mommy! Now, I know we’re all different, but her continued weight loss progress has really motivated me to WANT this! I am more motivated to keep up with a healthy diet. Plus, she’s got some great recipes if you need idea’s for meals - I’ve copied a few myself! Now, I haven’t gone completely sugar free just yet because I left some sweet tea at work to kind of gradually get me off of sugar these first few days. And tonight will be interesting since the show is going to be at a club/bar. I might have myself a beer (no more than that because I’m the DD) or maybe a sweet tea? But tomorrow will be my last day of sugar (except for in fruits) for the next 30 days! Yikes!! I feel really good about this though! I’ve even got my mom to “semi” join me, lol! She’s recently been gaining a bit of weight, and diabetes runs in our family as well as obesity, so I’ve been really worried about her. She used to go for walks in the afternoons, and she’d go for 3 or 4 miles. But lately, she gets winded just walking down our side road. She’s always tired, and she’s not the healthiest eater. So my dad and I are trying to get her to stick with this diet, with me. She’s not going as “drastic” as I am, but she’s allowing me to cook her lunches and dinners. Plus, she’s agreed to go for walks with me after I’ve gotten done running. I really hope she continues this with me!

Now, it’s off to get ready for a run and then a show!! Hopefully, everything goes as planned and we are all feeling better by tomorrow!! Man, only four more days till the weekend! I’m so looking forward to a nice, slow, low key weekend too. And I better get it! LOL! Hope everyone had a great Tuesday!! 

Justice

Osama bin Laden is dead.

I did not hear the speech by President Obama and quite frankly, he hardly ever has anything to say that I find worth listening to. However, he is our president and currently our "leader" so I only hope that what he did say shed good light upon the USA. And I really hope it struck fear in the hearts of anyone who dare think they could destroy us.

Now, I would like to say that I am so thankful for our troops! For our freedom and for the peace this will bring to some of the families and people that lost so much on 9/11. I am so happy that we won this particular battle over terrorism. It was definitely long overdue.  

Still, I can't help but feel a little weird. I feel like we shouldn't celebrate the way they did. Do you remember the burning flags? The people cheering as the death tolls rose? How they were so excited while watching the planes fly into our buildings? I had never really seen that kind of hate before. It brought us as a country together, even if it were just for a moment, and today we are again coming together to celebrate a victory. But, I fear that we are celebrating in the wrong kind of way. I'm not saying to not be happy or to not rejoice over the fact that another evil man is dead. Because my first reaction was "Finally! Thank God, we finally found that evil human being." But I guess, Kristin over at "Project: Baby" explains it a lot better, so go read her take on the events here. 

I hope that the change I feel is coming to our country, isn't as awful as it feels.

Rewind

When things get busy at home, I find that I put my blog(s) on the bottom of my list of things to do. Which is what happened last week. Then this past week, I just kind of threw in a post about how my fitness was going and how I felt about “the” wedding before even really updating any of you on how things were going! Ooops! So now that it’s Sunday, and I have a minute or two to spare I’m going to fill you guys in.

First, yes, I changed the layout again! I just couldn’t wait for summer to refresh the page. Sorry! But anyway, the week before last was pretty insane. My husband’s game was filled with team drama, the “coach” had no clue what to do, and so it all summed up to my husband “quitting”. He just said that if they needed an extra player to give him a call. Otherwise, he would no longer be going to practice or the games. Yea, it was bad. Now, he’s agreed to jump into something new. A band. Yes, a band. At first, I was a little pissed because he pretty much agreed to it before talking to me first, which always drives me CRAZY! And it’s not because of the band itself, but because this band is NOT local. The members are younger than us (by a year or three) and they are spread out EVERYWHERE! But none of them really have family responsibilities, and so they can just all travel whenever, wherever. My husband can’t. But, what’s done is done. They had two practices last weekend, one yesterday and it looks like all of the members really like what he’s going to bring to the table. They are trying for a “harder” sound, and maybe a new name. I got to meet all of them and they seemed pretty nice as well as very understanding of the fact that we’re parents and with that comes obligations. They haven’t said, officially, that my husband is in yet, but the main guy that runs the show told us on Friday he was very excited about this new direction my hubs was taking them in. So, I guess it’s time to start promoting for my husband's new band, huh?

Click

Next, our explorer is a piece of crap. But, it’s the only vehicle we have. Some drama happened over it last week with the shop who was supposed to fix it. I’m still fuming over it, but it ended with me paying $520.20 for NOTHING. They literally did nothing to fix it. All the problems that we took it in for were still going on. We finally just picked it up this past Wednesday and drove it to another shop. So total, we spent $660.20, when all we really should have spent was $140.00. Yes, I’m pissed. No, there isn’t anything we can do about it. But at least it’s fixed, for now.

Then, Easter was a mess. I was grateful for the three day weekend but I had just hoped it would have been less hurried! On Saturday my family had an Easter get together; nothing big. Family and good food as usual with no huge ordeals so it turned out pretty nice. My husbands family wanted to get together on Sunday, and it turned out to be a bit more stressful. Someone was fighting, someone else was upset that we brought beer when there was a recovering alcoholic (really, it completely slipped my mind bc that person has been back and forth so many times this past year), and then Beau and I were arguing. Emery had a good time though! She actually hunted eggs, and they had a swing set there and she wanted to just swing all day! So, I didn’t want to deprive her of a good “first” Easter. 

This past week was a bit more calm, with the exception of the explorer drama and the money wasted. A friend of ours got engaged Thursday! So I’m super excited about that! I start my hardcore diet on Monday, and I’m a bit nervous but hopeful! This next weekend I’m hoping will be a slow calm one? But first, this upcoming Tuesday is my hubby’s FIRST SHOW! Definitely post pictures of that! We’re in the last few steps of getting my husband’s license and I’m praying it goes smoothly. I’m praying that if anything has to be paid here in Texas that it will be a reasonable amount. Other than that, I have nothing new to share. Last week was hectic at work, and at home but I’m steadily getting back to a balance. Hope everyone is doing well! I’ll be back in full swing this week!!