Big Fits

So my weekend was pretty busy. I never blog on the weekends because I consider that "family/laundry/cleaning" time. Pretty much to catch up on EVERYTHING that was left undone from the week before as well as time to spend with my babes and the hubs. Saturday, I got a lot done!! I painted the baseboards for Emery's room. I FINISHED all the laundry. I semi-cleaned up the living room/dining room to get it ready for this upcoming weekend. AND all of this got done while handling a  sick one-year-old. {bowing} Thank you, thank you, thank you! 

She was doing better on Thursday, then Friday she was running a fever again. Then Saturday she was feeling pretty crappy and EXTREMELY clingy. I say this because she is ALWAYS clingy. To me only. She refuses to stay with anyone else and she'll throw a fit if I sit her down. I know she was sick, and I may go down as the world's worst mother but Saturday night I tried that whole "walk away for ten minutes and let them cry" to see if she would eventually just stop or maybe start playing with her toys? Everyone says she needs to learn to "self-soothe", but I'm afraid we missed that boat. She cried the  ENTIRE 15 minutes, and only paused once for a breath. She looked so hurt and my husband finally gave in and picked her up. I'm at a loss people. Once he picked her up, she continued to cry until I was holding her. Even then she still sobbed. It was an awful feeling!

Now, I love my baby girl. She is my world. I can't stress that enough, but I really need her to be comfortable with my husband as much as she is with me. I CAN'T carry her everywhere. I CAN'T always be there. I wish I could, but I can't. If I did, I'd never get anything done! So, what do I do? I read somewhere that babies sometimes have "trust issues" or "abandonment issues" after they've been around one person for so long and then all of a sudden they aren't there anymore. It would explain her behavior somewhat- My husband was a stay at home dad up until last month. So he cared for her and then all of a sudden it was back to the sitters. So maybe that's her problem? I love that she loves me and knows I'm her mommy, but it's getting to be a bit difficult for everyone else. The sitter, bless her heart, says that she cries for a good 20 minutes after my mom has dropped her off. My mother says that she cries for a little while after I leave. And I have no idea why? This has been a recent (past two months) development too. I don't know what changed? This is starting to get straining because all she does is CRY. I step out of the room, she cries. I put her down, she cries. I sit down, she cries. Then, it makes my husband feel bad. He feels like she doesn't like him or like she doesn't even see him as her daddy anymore. I keep reassuring him that she does know who he is and that she's just trying to adjust. But it's already been a month and a half since he's been working. Wouldn't she have been adjusted by now? 

I don't know how to fix this....?

p/s I'm afraid I caught The Crud Bug from my babes.

My neck, back, legs, and feet are in PAIN.

My throat is on fire, and it hurts to swallow. 

I ran a fever last night and today, I've got the chills.

185lbs

Ok, so I really need to lose this weight. I am at 185lbs again. I’ve had a rough couple of weeks and with Emery’s birthday stuff going on I really slacked off. I stopped using my calorie counter because I hardly ever had my phone on me –just ask the people who called and never got an answer. So with us being out and about a lot, I did a lot of eating out. So now I’m right back where I started. Eeehhh!!  

I really need to get my shit together. I need to get all of our crap taken care of so I’m not having to run around doing errands or having to spend hours on the phone with this company or that one. I’m so ready for this to be OVER! I’m ready for my healthy lifestyle to get a chance to kick in, people!! And this is when I realized; I’m so making up excuses, aren’t I? I need to want this, even more than what I do now. I need to want to lose weight the way I want a Hershey’s chocolate (which is bad).  Yes, my lifestyle is hectic, so that means my lazy ass has to get up at 4 am (uuugggghhh!!) if need be, to get my work out in. I need to start looking more into nutrition and what I’m feeding my body. Then, I read this lovely lady Jess’s Blog IROCKSOWHAT, and she totally put me to shame. In a good way, if that’s possible?

She pretty much said it all. Stop eating CRAP! Cook your meals! Eat meat, fruits, and veggies. But never anything YOU can’t cook for yourself. Clean eating! What an idea!! Too bad, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT IS!?!?! But, I like the sound of it! I’m not quite sure where to begin though. I NEVER cook. I have been taking my sweet ass time in learning too. I’ve always been a bit of a picky eater and I’m in no way experimental when it comes to “exotic” tastes. And if it looks like something that a pig would love to roll around in, I’m NOT touching it!! If it looks like it could bite me back, I’m not eating it!! So, hopefully, this clean eating idea has nothing to do with either of those things. I really want to try this out though. I really want to start preparing meals and cooking. Shopping strictly organic produce, and low-calorie snacks (for the hubs). I’m in need of getting back into shape because I really hate being a blob. Every part of me JIGGLES! That's just not right! And even though Em may find it funny when my belly squishes, mommy doesn't! 

I hate that I can’t do much without getting tired and breathless. I want to get back into those damn skinny jeans!! I want to be able to maintain my weight. I want to feel healthy. But mainly, I want to raise my daughter into a healthy lifestyle. And I can’t do that by eating burgers and french fries, now can I?

Jumpin on the Cloth Diaper Bandwagon!!

As I've stated before, I don't have a lot of friends with kids. The ones that do have kids, aren't here in Texas. So needless to say I have no way of getting advice. When I was pregnant I had looked at sites and read up on many "cloth diaper debates". But after everything, I decided to just go with disposables. -shame on me, I know- It has now been a year and I have seen A LOT of my money go into the trash bin, it's almost depressing. So recently I started looking at some of your blogs and a lot of you seem to be big advocates for cloth diapers! I seem to get more information from reading your blogs than trying to find someone around here that does it, so thank you! Anyway, after reading all of your raves about this way of "diapering"? I've decided that I want to try it out! I know, I'm a little late to jump on the bandwagon, but hey at least I'm trying right? I have always tried to "save the planet" and to be more "eco-friendly" with the stuff I buy(I swear I'm trying to get this recycling thing down). So why don't I try to help out by using less disposable diapers too?? -light bulb-

Which brings me to research. I've been looking at different sites and brands. There are SOO many different kinds!! How am I suppose to choose which one to try?!?! I don't know much about switching over, or how to even begin!! I need a kind that would be easy for our sitter to use as well as something simple (as simple as cloth diapering can get- I know there is some work that goes into them). Also, I'm worried about leaks. My little monster pees a lot. She leaks even in the disposable diapers, so I'm not too worried about that. I just don't want to wake up and find her swimming in her own urine in the middle of the night, you know? So absorbency is a big deal to me. There are a lot of different brands that promise different things, and I just don't know which direction to go in. So, do any of you use cloth diapers? And if you do, which brand do you recommend? Because I'm wanting some advice. Not reviews on a website, or propaganda/advertisement. I want some straight up advice.

Any would be greatly appreciated.

Lets Recap Shall We?

There has been a lot on my mind lately, and I've written plenty of little drafts. So, along with today's post I'll include all of the other short ones. Here we go:

Baby Monster

The little monster is doing WAY better today.  So the verdict came in and she had: A cold, ear infection, and the beginning of strep throat. Fun, fun huh?  The doc actually saw us early, pretty quickly, and then she only charged me $40 this time because we saw her (she’s our regular pediatrician) instead of her hubs. She gave us prescriptions to some generic stuff which only cost us $4 for each one (Em has to take two different kinds). Yay!! But then, I went and spent a good amount on ORGANIC food. So much for saving? My boss let me take the rest of yesterday as well as half of today off to care for my little babes. They are seriously, the BEST bosses EVER! I feel truly blessed. And today Em is more spunky than she was yesterday. You can see such a difference in just her eyes. Yesterday she was so droopy and sad. But today she’s actually play around! On the road to getting better I’d say.

Valentine’s Day

My hubby is not a romantic guy. So, I’ve never really expected to do much on Valentines like all of the other couples do. And this past Valentine’s was no different. But, he did take me to go get a new laptop!! My husband has pretty much taken over our old one, and he thought it would be nice for each of us to have our own. So mommy got this:

I am a lover of HP stuff. Mainly because of the prices (DELL forever!), and so when I saw this at the store, I was in love! I really wanted the 15.6” one, but they were completely sold out. By the time I would have gotten to go back up to Best Buy it would have been off sale. So I went with the 14” instead. I got home, unpacked it, and started charging it up! The next day I started transferring all of my stuff from the old computer to my new one. I started going through the pictures when I realized there was something wrong with the screen. Everything looked washed out. People looked too bright, or red. Black and white pictures looked too blue. So I did the “Color Calibration” thing and that didn’t work. I tried adjusting the brightness and that didn’t work either. So, after the first week I wanted to take it back BUT this dumb dumb –points at herself- LOST the receipt. Yes, the mother that saves every gas receipt in the world lost the one that went to her brand new laptop. Way to go!!! NOT! So now, I must live with the washed out screen. It kind of annoys me, but hey it serves it’s purpose. I blog on it (like now) and I upload pictures. So, I shall just deal with it.

Work

I like my job. But sometimes I feel as if I’m not “up to speed”. This stuff is HARD to learn and some customers are flat out rude and won’t even give me a chance. Sometimes I feel as if I’m just holding the company back. I’m not as fast as my manager and sometimes that annoys people. And usually this leaves me with very little to do. I’m feeling a little inadequate. Overwhelmed. Stuck. Not quite sure what to do about it either? My “test” is coming up in June, too. The boss man is taking a vacation and I’ll be here alone for a week and a half! Craaaaaaaap! Pray for me?

Money Money Money

I’m so sad to see you go! But, it’s benefiting us in the long run so I guess, I shall.  Our income tax return came in and it’s now time to say goodbye. And it won’t be spent on a vacation either. {insert sad depressed face here} Today we shall begin the first phase in getting my hubs out of trouble and finally able to get his license. Then, we will send off on medical bills. Pay off the credit card. And hopefully, be at least 2/3 out of the debt we’ve collected! So that maybe NEXT year, we can get a house with our income tax. Or take a vacation at the very least (before they start making us buy an extra ticket for Em). It’s still just a bit depressing knowing what we COULD have gotten instead. Oh well, the price we pay for being “young and dumb”.

Ok, so that about wraps things up for me. I know this post was pretty boring, but this has been it for me. Nothing new, or exciting. Time to get ready for work! 

Poor Baby

Emery is sick, again.

She spiked a fever all night last night (103.1). It would come and then go. Come and then go. She has a cough and a running nose. I’m running on very little sleep from waking up so often throughout the night. She’d wake up crying, I’d have to give her medicine, or she’d be burning up. Sometimes, I could tell she was having a hard time breathing through her nose. Thank GOD we got her into the doctor’s today. I only hope it doesn’t take an hour and a half before we get to see her like last time. As much as I love our pediatrician, I think I’m going to have to switch to someone else. We always have to wait for at least an hour in the waiting room and then another 30 minutes before getting to actually see her. The last time Em was sick, they told me they would call me back and they never did. I had to call them back and insist they find a time that day to fit her in (Em was at 102.8). And that's just not something I like dealing with all of the time. So, here’s to hoping they’ll give her something to make her feel better!

I Jumped Too Soon

Remember how I said something always goes wrong? It did. Turns out the explorer is putting up a fight and refuses to cooperate. The frame might be bent. Do you know how much that will cost to fix?? A part of me wants to set the damn thing on fire and run it off a cliff. So, now we are looking at options.

So, I was all annoyed and angry over how much of a pain in the ass this car has been. And then I started looking through websites on my break, and I came across Tabatha's Blog. I was crying so hard in my cubicle. I know for my emotional state I probably shouldn't read so many loss blogs. But, their stories and their losses hit me at such a level that I can't help but read their stories. To see how they are doing, and to even say a few words to them. Because I really...truly...feel for them. My heart breaks for all of these moms. I really just want to hug them all and bring back their babies. To set things right. I hate knowing that there are so many little ones taken every day. Some before being born, some during, and some after. And this made me feel so awful. Here I am whining about how awful my life is because of an explorer, and there are women out there just trying to survive. I stumbled across some other blogs but in all honesty...I cleared my history because it was too hard. It was too much sadness. But, I will pray for them. I will pray that every single mother out there, that has lost a little one, gets the healing and comfort they need.

That they deserve.

So, after reading all of these I've decided to start making donations and sending out cards/supplies to some of these families or organizations. So, if I ask for an address I swear I am not stalking you. I just want to know where to send stuff. I may not be able to give a lot. But, every little bit counts I hope. And I want to be a part of finding a cure for things. I want to know that some of my money helped others. Helped educate people about CHD, SIDS, CF, EB, and so many OTHER things out there. I want to know that because of me, someone was able to receive a card, supplies, or just a care package. I want to know that I am helping.

My Downer Mood Is Starting To Annoy Me..

Today, I had an awful start. My husband really pissed me off at 5 am. And then I had to take him to work. Grr. But then, of course, he apologized and we finally heard back about our POS explorer and it was WONDERFUL news!! There is nothing wrong with the transmission like we thought! Thank GOD!

You see, between December ‘09 and August ‘10 some asshole decided to take off our 4 x 4 shaft. Apparently, disconnecting those wires (because the asshole couldn’t have placed them back when they stole the shaft) is what caused the damn thing to have a few seizures until it finally wouldn’t run over 40 mph without shaking and making a whole lotta racket. Fun, fun!! At the time, we had no clue what the problem could be so I feared the worst. We thought it had something to do with the transmission, and I was all bent out of shape over having to fork over at least $500 (if not more) on a vehicle I didn’t want in the first place!! And then, we found out that the wires just needed to be reconnected and it was in need of an alignment. BAD! This means that, at most, I will be spending $150. Yay!! This means we can finally drive it and not have to depend on my parents to loan us their vehicle when we need to go somewhere!! Yay us! I am seriously tickled fucking pink over this!! –Yes, that explicit term was necessary- So, even with that awful start (and the crappy cold weather), my day is starting to look up!

Now, I just have to send off to get my hubs SR-22, and in about 4-6 weeks he can apply for his license in Texas!! I am NEVER driving again when this finally comes to be! We’ve been waiting 3 years for this! But with all of this “goodness” coming in my direction, I’m still a bit nervous. I’m trying to not get too excited because with my luck (which has NEVER been good) something bad ALWAYS happens. I really hope this time is different though. Please, please, please let it be different?!

Now, taking this post in a completely different direction. I’m so bummed today!! I am wanting a house/place of our own so bad. I would love to be able to furnish and decorate however I want! I want to have a place in working order (electricity/water/ CHA) with an actual fridge and stove. To have those, well, it would be too much for me to take in at once I think! I’d probably pee myself. But, this will not happen for a good long time.  

I’ve been looking at apartments and houses for rent. Unfortunately, most places would not take us because of our family pet Sampson. So, our choices are VERY limited. So far, I’ve found out that we could NOT afford a house. They do credit checks, criminal history checks, most of them have a “no pet” policy, and we’re looking at $800 per month and up. Not to mention most have a $500+ deposit fee. Factor in utilities, most of our bills, and we are left paying at least $1,000+ a month. Ugggh!! We’d have to have a roommate. Which is something I want to stay away from. Then, we have apartments. Again, most around here have a “no pet” policy, and they require criminal history and credit checks. They are a bit cheaper, but the spaces are usually small. Unless we do River Walk again, which is SO not an option for me. The wait list is so long, and there are too many families with little kids that run around unsupervised. THEN, that’s where all the bad crap happened before and I ‘d rather avoid it.

Which brings me to buying. I wish we could buy our own house, but that means permanence. I really would like to get out of this town one day. I’ve stated before that I would love to be closer to the ocean. Away and on our own. But you can’t find cheap prices around beaches the way you can here. And I repeat "I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE HERE FOREVER". Then, there’s this really huge problem with our credit. It sucks! We are below “BAD” when it comes to our score. THANK YOU CREDIT CARDS! So even with us paying stuff off, we’d have to wait another 6-12 months before it would reflect on our score in a positive way.  

Look at the kind of deals we're missing out on:

3bdrm/2bath

Big back yard

Wooden FLOORS

$69,000.00

Yea the town is small, and we haven't really thought about staying here permanently, but most of these homes are in between my family and his. And it would be OURS. It even has a dishwasher!! The paint job inside would have to be redone, but it would be the perfect first home! And I want that! I want a place of our own. A place that Beau, Em, and I could call OUR home. Not "we live with my parents". Not "we stay at his mom's" - never again. And not "Oh we have a roommate". I want a place we wouldn't have to share with anyone. So today, I'm really sad. Because having the option of looking for our dream home isn't even possible right now. All I can do is just pray that the big man has a plan.

Baby steps Raquel...

Baby steps...

Emery’s First Birthday Party!!

Ok! As I said we had Em’s party this past Saturday and it was wonderful! Friends and family came to celebrate with us and I just wanted to thank everyone who came and joined us in the celebration!! She (and mommy) loved the gifts and the clothes! So again, thank you for those!

And here are a few pictures from that day!

Prayer Request - Siena and Ada (Second Update)

First, as soon as I get all of Emery's birthday party pictures uploaded, I will post them. Not very many made it because my Olympus camera sucks (but it's better than NO camera and I love my baby brother for letting me have it). I really need a new camera though. But anyway, I shall post those later!

Siena and Ada:

Ada weighed in Friday at 4 lbs 13.5 ounces and is getting closer to the 5lb mark.  I'm pretty sure she'll be close to hitting 5lbs as we roll her out of the NICU.  5 lbs seemed so so far away when they were first born (as did normal size baby newborn clothes), and it's amazing at how time has just seemed to pass by.   We met with the occupational therapist to discuss little movements to do with Ada during the day to keep her muscles strong.  She is wanting her pacifier more and more...and we are ok with that if it makes her happy!  She's so darn cute..it's hard not to give her what she wants after the fight she's put up to grow and make all of us happy:)  Sunday we are planning to stay at the hospital and if all goes well, Miss Ada Bug will get her NICU passport stamped on Monday.

We are thinking Siena weighs around 3 lbs 1 ounce right now.   She was very stable all day on around 29-35% oxygen.  I gave her a pacifier and massaged her back for 2 hours today and again for another hour tonight.  She is tolerating the pedialite and moved to 2ml/hour today.  Tomorrow she will move to breast milk :)  We are thrilled with her progress and it's hard to believe that already a week has passed since her surgery.  Tuesday she will have an ECHO on her heart to see how her PDA is doing.  We are hoping she won't need another surgery.  Some babies will close their PDAs on their own.  Ada did this a few weeks after she was born.

Siena 2/13/11 Two Days After Surgery

These updates are coming from a friend of the family. She emails us when she hears from them or gets a new email from them. Please continue to pray for these little ones!! 

p.s Really digging Rome's music. 

He reminds me a lot of my husband. 

And he takes me back to my Cali days. 

One Of THOSE Days

I look pregnant.

I'm not pregnant.

I am TIRED.

Emery has decided to wake up at around 1:30 every night for the past week.

I am trying to be financially productive.

My husband is trying to be counterproductive it seems.

I am so easily irritated today.

I blame that on lack of sleep.

I need a routine.

Every time I START a routine, something throws me off.

I want to go home and do nothing.

The house is a mess, and we I have a lot of cleaning to do.

I want a weekend to myself.

THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN.

Icck. Umm... Hmph! Ugghhh!! Gr. Eeehhhh!

That is all.

p/s Em's birthday party is tomorrow. 

Hope it goes well! 

A Year Ago, Today - February 17th 2010

Emery Ocean,

This time last year you had just been born (3pm on the dot). I heard you cry for the first time and at that very moment, I was the happiest person in the world. I loved you so much before I had even met you, but now I was actually getting to hold you! They put you on my belly and the minute I held you, you stopped crying! Just like that, you were so calm. It was like you knew exactly who was holding you; like I was who you were waiting for the whole time. And from that moment, I knew that no matter what everything was going to be ok.

Now,  today, your turning one. And I can’t believe how fast the time has gone by! You're trying to walk, and you’re trying to talk more. Picking up a few words in sign language too. You constantly amaze me! It seems like just yesterday, I was in that hospital bed waiting for the time to go by so that I could meet you. Oh, honey, I wish you could stay a baby forever. Why must you grow up??

My little Princess.

I love you more than words could ever say. You are the best thing that I have ever done. You have brought so much joy into my life, and I am truly blessed to have you in it! So, Happy Birthday my love. My darling. My life. And here’s to many more birthdays to come! 

Love,

Mommy

Wordless Wednesday (Kind of)

This is my first, Wordless Wednesday!

Baby #2 A No Go?

So, as I had stated before, I wasn’t sure about having another baby. I really wasn’t sure if my husband could deal. So this past weekend, on our second trip to the city *gr*, I approached the subject (amongst many others) with my husband. He acknowledged that he wasn’t ready for another child, and didn’t know if he would ever be.

This pretty much brought my fears to life. I’ve always wanted at least TWO children. And up until Sunday, I thought he did too (maybe not this close together, but eventually). So when my husband said “Emery is a handful already, and we don’t ever get to do anything. Then, you have this time limit, that I don’t agree with. It just seems rushed. And Emery can be so stressful and I just can’t imagine having another child. One is enough.” I was angrier than anything else.  Not too long ago he was talking about how we “had” to have another baby. Now he’s saying that the one we have already stresses him out enough that he doesn't want another one?? Yea, I had a few things I wanted to spout off at him, but I decided not to. Being stuck in a car with someone for an hour and a half, both ways probably isn’t the best time to start a fight.

He says if we have another child, we will never leave Texas. If we have another child, he’ll be resentful. If we have another child, our lives will completely be over. If we have another child it’ll put a strain on us as a couple. So now what? Do I give up MY hopes of having another child to cater to my husband’s wishes? Or do I start debating how we’re going to last if we DON’T have another child?  I don’t want to force him into having another child, but I don’t want to NOT have another child. It’s just really confusing, and not something I’ve ever had to deal with.

Prayer Request- Siena and Ada Update

Update Siena:  She has been in surgery since 8:30 a.m.  Her central broviac line is in and they are now starting on the Abdominal diaphragmatic hernia surgery.

Please continue to pray for her and her family!

Confession Time

Baby #2

Lately, I’ve been thinking about having another child, and when would be the best time to get pregnant again. I’m not in a rush, at the moment, but I have always said I want to have them at about two years apart and I wasn’t going to have any more after 25 (-ahem- 26). With me being 23 that gap seems to be closing and closing quickly. And yet, I am not even sure if I could even handle another baby (it’s so not what you’re thinking).

Recently, I’ve noticed that my husband and I are just not on the same “page” when it comes to parenting and growing up. If he thinks we can’t do anything with one little monster, can you imagine two?? He already complains enough about how we don’t get to do anything and how I’m always bossing him around. We just don’t get to have any kind of fun anymore. Boo Woo! Wah!

I KNOW THIS!! YOU ARE PREACHING TO THE CHOIR! 
BUT TOUGH SHIT!!!

You see, in his eyes, it’s all me. In my eyes, it’s all him. I believe in putting childish shit aside and putting my big girl britches on. He believes in having fun, getting out, and just "chillin". Being a mom takes a lot more work than most might think. Parenting is not something that I believe we should take so lightly. And without having help, I just don’t see how we could have made it. So when he starts to not take things seriously, and he's all "whatever" when it comes to consequences, yes I get a little pissed off! My MAIN priority is my daughter. Pleasing/catering to my husband comes next in line, but NEVER before. Maybe that’s wrong, but when you’ve had the relationship I’ve had...you’d understand. I don’t believe in risking my daughter being taken away. I don’t want to risk going to jail because I wanted to go “party it up” at a friends house. To me, that shit is OVER. We do occasionally go hang out and drink, but with people of AGE. Have a date night here and there. But none of this high school shit. Unfortunately, some of our friends still hang/party with some underage kids and that’s usually our (my) cue to head out. Sometimes this bothers my husband because it cuts the time we get to spend with our friends, but it doesn’t bother me. The risk is not worth it.

Ok, now before I get all sidetracked on our relationship issues let me get back to the point. So with all of these little conflicts, head-butting, and downright stubbornness coming from both of us, well it’s left me wondering if having another child is even a good idea?? If we can’t seem to agree on what’s ok and what’s not. What the boundaries are and how to stand together (as a parenting unit). Then should we even have another child??

I need to know that when the time comes, he could stand up to his mother...with no remorse. I need to know that he will be there. I need to know that he will make smart decisions and always take into consideration what the risks are. I need to know that WE (Emery and I) are the most important things to him. Because if he can’t do any of this, then why should we add another little monster to this mix...

Ever? 

Prayer Request - Siena and Ada

This was sent to me via an email from a friend of my mother's just now, please pray for them!

Siena needs our prayers.

 

Siena and Ada are two nieces of my friend Lisa McCoy who were born prematurely in December.  Please pray for nine week old Siena who with her sister Ada is just now 35 weeks gestational age this week. Siena is weighing 2 lbs 10 ounces as compared to Ada who is 4 lbs 1.8 ounces.   Ada may be able to go home in another week.  Siena has several critical prayer concerns

 

Siena's prayer needs:  First is her bilirubin count. It was up to 12.5 (at 7 last week).  She has been grown on TPN and lipids which are very hard on the liver.  Second, Siena's calcium level in her bones is a concern as she has been on Lasix numerous times for fluid retention which robs the body of calcium. 

 

The third issue will have Siena in surgery this Friday.  Siena has a diaphragmatic hernia (CDH repair) surgery set for around 830 am on Friday am (this Friday) at Cooks Children’s Hospital in Dallas.  The parents, Brian and Denea, were told that the days after surgery will be very tough for Siena.  They are asking for prayer that everything will go according to God’s plan for Siena. These young parents have been through so much and they are walking this difficult road with much grace.  Please keep little Siena and Ada in your prayers.  I will update you when I hear something.  Thank you for praying.

 

Trusting in Jesus,

Jenny

Mother-In-Law Rant

I am not one of those women blessed with an awesome, lovely mother-in-law. My mother-in-law is the complete OPPOSITE! So do you know what was absolutely wonderful about living in California?? SHE was NEVER there. That woman has caused me so much grief. She has done me wrong SO many times. She has done US wrong so many times. Yet the fact still remains, she is my mother-in-law. And being the only parental figure my husband ever had, he usually lets everything slide with her. And this sends me off the edge!!

Long story short, she’s a bad person. No one does anything drastic enough to make her change either, and I am not allowed to. Honestly, if I had it my way, she would not see me or Em, until she got her shit straight and PROVED to me that she did. But no, that causes a bunch of other crap and makes me seem like a royal bitch. Which I’m not afraid of the term, in fact, I usually embrace it. BUT, it causes a huge rift with his family. And I would really not like to cause family drama. Because I love them. But sometimes, even that price seems reasonable to live with.

So now, I am stuck. I can’t approach the issue with the hubs because he’d get all butt hurt and go all: “No matter what she does she’s still my mother, Babe! I’m sorry we can’t be all perfect like yours!” on me and then I’d have to deal with his feelings! But in my defense, my family is NOT perfect and we do have some piece of crap relatives that we don’t talk to. But, that’s just how my family deals with a problem. And by problems, I mean drugs (real ones) or abusive habits. You can’t help those that don’t want it.

Anyway, my mother-in-law is a needy person. She wants her children to need her, all of the time. And for a while she had her claws dug in pretty deep with my hubs. Now, just as I’m about to have him completely “weaned” off (all claws removed), she has to come back and start wanting him to help with this, and that. And she wants to “hang out” with him, and she’ll even come to pick him up! Ohh, and she just wants to see her son and her little angel Emery. I hate when she says that: “My baby.” She hardly EVER says grandbaby, unless family is around. It drives me up the wall! But anywho, my husband is falling for it, again. And this can only mean trouble. Problems. Again.

I swear that woman will be the death of me if we don’t ever move away from here. Which sucks, because I love my family and his family that lives here. I would miss everyone so much. But us moving, would be the only way to make sure her visits were yearly ( if that), and on OUR terms. Sad, isn’t it? But I literally have no other option. Causing family drama is a no go. Telling my husband is a no go. He’d never agree to my “proposal” anyway. Instead, he’d just let her stop by when I wasn’t around. Which would just piss me off, causing us to fight 24/7. And that’s no fun.

So, wish me luck in finding a different solution?

And pray I have the strength to not rip her head off one day!

Lord knows I’ll need it. 

Loss Blogs

I stumbled across this blog via Top Mommy Blogs it was called, Four Plus An Angel. I was moved by her attitude and by her story. I felt like, she had to be one of the strongest mothers out there, to have this happen and come out "ok" (you never forget but life must continue). So I started looking around and I came across another loss blog, Nicholas' Touch, and I was literally crying in my cubical on my lunch break. And then I would click on another site, and read another mother's story of loss, and I was in tears all over again! There are so many of you! Some of you lost children recently, some not so recently. And it breaks my heart! I'm sure these blogs that I read are just the tip of the iceberg! There are hundreds (thousands) more of you out there. And I have no idea how you women do it?! I would wish that loss on no one. I can't say that I personally know how you feel, because I have not lost a child. But I can imagine that it would be a thousand times more painful than anything I have felt. And so today, I just wanted to tell all of you:

I am so sorry for your loss. I will pray for you, and for your families. I pray that GOD help you through this, and bring healing into your hearts. However long it takes. And I know that all of your little ones are in heaven, and in your hearts. I pray that you take some (even if it's just a tiny bit) comfort in knowing that.

Last Snow Day…I Think…

So this morning we woke up to a lot of snow coming down. A bit of ice as well. So, I stayed home with my punkin!! I feel like such a wuss though, because by 2pm all of the snow and ice was melting away. The roads were all drivable by 3pm. Still, by that point, it wouldn’t have been worth it to go to work. I would have only gotten 1-2 hours in. Needless to say, my paycheck on Monday is going to suck. And now, they are saying that this Monday and Tuesday we have more chance for snow. Craaap!!

But, how can I not love spending time with my little baby? No matter how bad missing out on work today made me feel, her giggles made it worth it. Ha! Until the little monster inside of her decided to come forth.  LOL! She threw some tantrums today, that made me wish she was old enough to spank! Or at least, put into time out and she actually KNOW what I was talking about! She yelled, cried, and screamed bloody murder when I took the plastic bag (she got a hold of) away from her. Or when she decided to remove EVERY single DVD from the bottom of our DVD racks, and I smacked her little handle. Man, she was pissed! Then when I sat her down in her playpen before she was ready, and she would not stop crying until I came back and picked her up. I let her cry for a good 10 minutes and she never gave up! Persistent little girl, that’s for sure. And finally, her only taking a twenty-minute nap today, made her very crabby. EVERYTHING she did, had an attitude about it.  I know her teeth were bothering her, but I numbed her up pretty good. I know that couldn’t have been the problem. She’s just been so spoiled by BOTH sides of the family, that it’s going to be hell when we’re finally on our own, No one to cater to the little princess…awww! But seriously, even despite the little evil monster that comes out every now and then, I would still die for her. She’s MY little monster after all.

But now, since I’m pooped and completely drained, I want to go to SLEEP! Unfortunately my uncle brought his “wonder twins” over and they are wearing out Emery, so I am thankful for that, but they are annoying the CRAP out of me! So, instead of boring you with small talk, I shall post a couple of pictures in honor of my little angel turning the big UNO this month (17th)!!

Cold Weather

It has been WAY too cold recently. Monday was cool, sunny, and pretty. Monday night, all hell broke loose and we had ice, rain, and a bit of snow. Woke up to a few cars in ditches. All because certain people think that just because you drive a 4x4 you are guaranteed to triumph over anything. WRONG! So, because of this awful snow (ice), I was able to miss two days of work and get to snuggle up with my little punkin! It had not gotten above 20 degrees until today. So, we spent most of our time in PJ’s and had hot chocolate. Emery would not have anything to do with the snow. It was as if she could not be bothered. We’d show her, hold her by the window, and even attempted to take her out in it. She just did not care. LOL! Those two days made me really want to be a stay at home mommy one day. She lets me kiss her all I want right now, and she’s the best snuggler! Unfortunately, by the time I DO get to be a stay at home mom, Emery will be full grown trying to get away from her mom who likes to give kisses and hugs all the time because it’s just so “embarrassing”. LOL!

But alas, all good things must come to an end and today I had to return to work. Meh. But first, a family “argument” ensued over who was taking who to work and why some of us had to actually be there on time. After that 20 minute conversation, it has made things a bit more clear for me. WE NEED TO MOVE. At least by the end of this year. We got our taxes done last Saturday (YAY FOR HAVING KIDS!!) and so I am happy to say that a good portion of our debt will be paid off! Woo Woo! So excited! It sucks that most of that will have to pretty much be “thrown away” but that’s what we get for letting ourselves get that deep in the first place. But then, we’ll be done! Finished! Well, almost. We might even be able to take a FAMILY vacation to California with what’s left!! Squeeeeeeeee! But, that’s getting ahead of myself. Anywho, with most of this debt taken care of, that will leave us open to pay for other things like RENT on our OWN apartment (my credit is shot; no way we could get a house)! We have to save up for it at first because everything will take a down payment or a deposit. But hopefully, we’ll have plenty saved by the end of this year! I say this now, watch something come up or another expense looms its head over us (never fails).

Anyway, I long for our own place. That sense of independence, and the luxury of having your OWN space. Decorating however you like; doing whatever you like. Having a bedroom (with a door), a bathroom (that works), and a living room!! Yes, the little things in life. I enjoy not having to answer to anyone but yourself! Ahhh, the freedoms! Not to mention, my parents would be highly appreciative of us getting out of there! They love us and have been amazing with us, but there are too many people in that house. And with my aunt and uncle going nowhere fast, WE must be the ones to leave. A first step in allowing THEM to have their OWN place to themselves again. Because I know it’s been straining on them as well.

So now, I must tighten the budget. I must start dividing stuff up and making sure we CAN get as much paid off as possible. I want us to get our own place but only if we can afford it. And hopefully, with a few positive changes coming up, we just might get our wish! 

Body Image & Why I Can’t Help But Hate Mine

Body Image. Man, I really hate those two words. I have such a negative view of my own body, that any time someone says “you must love your body”, I hold back the urge to gag and slap whoever it is that’s telling me this across the face. How dare they?! They have NO idea what I am going through! They have no idea how my thoughts work! And maybe sometimes they do, and then I get mad because they aren’t as disgusted with their own bodies, as I am with mine. Yes, I know this is awful, negative, and unhealthy but I can’t help it!

When I was younger, all I WANTED was to be this skinny girl with perfect hair and perfect clothes, and for Pete’s sake would it kill a BOY to find interest in me!? As I got older, I was a bit more rebellious, I had bigger boobs than most girls in my class so I started “covering” up. And by that, I mean I started dressing more like a boy. LOL! T-shirts, jeans, chucks. I still didn’t find myself pretty or skinny, but I worked out CONSTANTLY! I may not have been skinny, but I sure as hell was NOT going to get bigger. Looking back on those days now, and I have no idea WHAT I was thinking?? Anywho, California happened and I screwed up. I stopped exercising as much because I was working two jobs. I got high, so I was EATING a good amount more (and with all those fast food places RIGHT around the corner, my toughest decision was “Where do I go eat tonight?” Not good.

Fast forward to moving back to Texas, then getting married, and finally pregnancy. My weight went up and down CONSTANTLY throughout those three years!! Now, I love my daughter and I wouldn’t trade her for the world! To be honest, I’d do it all over again if I could. But, those nasty stretch marks left behind...I DO NOT CARE FOR. That gross flap of FLAB that dangles from my midsection is repulsive. And because of all of this, I just can’t love my body. I hate it. Those stretch marks on my thighs, buttocks, and midsection are awful, huge, and DEEP! I used “Palmer’s Cocoa Butter, and TUMMY balm” the ENTIRE time I was pregnant. And at first, I only gained three marks on my belly from losing weight so fast than the last three months of pregnancy totally did me in. My entire stomach and sides were covered. It will take LASER REMOVAL to get rid of them! And that’s money, I don’t have! That’s money that I could never spend on myself because I have a CHILD or DEBT that need it more.

I see loss in these marks. I know it’s stupid but, I fear that if they don’t eventually go away that I will no longer be “appealing” to my husband. Not to mention my sex drive has gone WAY down too. My husband is nice about it, but I can tell that it bothers him a bit more than he lets on. I used to be adventurous, and I was always ready to fool around. Now, I can’t even really do anything unless my shirt stays on and that’s even IF I allow myself to get that far. And this change in me, due to the marks, the lack of self-esteem has me a bit annoyed. I’m bothered that I let this get to me so bad. I should be proud. I should wear these marks with pride! They mean that I gave birth. That I brought a soul into this world. They stand for motherhood and all the joys that come with it. So why, do those things still not bring me comfort? Why am I still so upset about them? 

This is one of those things I have to overcome. I have to accept myself, how I am. But who knows when that will be…