One of The Good Things - My Weight Progress

My whole situation has been a roller-coaster in every way. At the very beginning, I hardly ever felt the need to eat. I survived off of **Sleepy Time tea. Occasionally, my mother would force feed me something, but I never ate more than a few bites. I was heartbroken, and felt like everything inside of me was crumbling into pieces. I questioned everything I had ever said, and done. Why didn't I try harder? Why her? Why is he doing this? What did I do so wrong? Was I that horrible to look at? Was I that hard to love? How can this all be happening? I spent a lot of my time worrying, and allowing my anxiety as well as depression take complete control over me. 

That's when the weight started to come off. I would go for a short run/walk maybe once a week, after my counseling sessions to try and process what all we had discussed. Any other time I laid in bed. I sipped on my tea, and tried really hard for the sake of my daughter to keep moving. Once the New Year came around though, I was hell bent on making better choices health wise. I started to eat again. Over those really difficult months of not eating much my stomach had shrank, and I could definitely notice. So, trying to fit in a full meal was pretty much impossible at that point.  And once I realized that I told myself I was basically starting from scratch so this time around I would do better, and be healthier. I started to take after my daughter, and mainly stick with fruits and veggies. I still drank my herbal tea, but I started to incorporate a lot more water. I know that it may not be the best meal plan for a lot of people out there, but I definitely switched things up:

• Breakfast: Small 12oz smoothie
• Mid Morning: Small healthy snack & 48oz of water by 11am
• Lunch: 12oz Protein Shake, Smoothie, or Healthy Choice Meal
• Mid Afternoon: Small healthy snack & second 48oz of water by 5pm
• Dinner: One meat, one veggie, one fruit & 32oz of water by 9pm

Each of my meals, and snacks hardly ever go over 350 calories. Sometimes I interchanged my dinner, and lunch depending on how the day is going or what I have planned. I also like to mix things up in order to avoid getting bored with a specific routine. After trying a few different brands I started to use two of the products from the **FitMiss line regularly as well. Once I made the decision to put my health, and what I put into my body more towards the top of my priority list I started to run more often too. That eventually lead to me getting back to the gym. Recently my dad joined the same gym, and he's been a huge motivational boost for me. He keeps me accountable, and he teaches me a lot when it comes to strength training. Since I started to incorporate more weights into my workouts I also started taking a **Gold Standard pre-workout before heading to the gym in order to give myself an extra boost. Regardless of whether you're a parent, or not, everyone knows that sometimes it's hard to power through when your exhausted at the end of the day. A pre-workout helps me out a lot on those days. So that's about it! I follow that meal plan, and I spend at least 30 minutes at the gym five to six times a week. This has helped a lot with my depression, mental focus, and anxiety as well.

One of the more drastic changes that I've had since starting all of this is in regards to how I talk to myself. Before I would always punish myself with exercise if I over ate. Even though I enjoyed running (short distances) I still viewed it as a punishment. This completely ruined excising for me. I made myself go farther or longer in order to burn the exact amount of calories I had over eaten even if I had met my daily goal. I would tell myself that I was "fat" constantly too, and I even created screensavers for my desktop/cellphone that said things like "Put the food down, fatty." If you ever think about doing any of this: don't. It hurts your self esteem a lot more than it helps. Nowadays, if I feel like eating a cheeseburger I'm going to. If I want some fries I get a small order. If I want a soda I allow myself one. I try to limit the junk food, and drinks I keep in my house in order to not tempt myself. But there are days when you just have a craving, and I'm not about to beat myself up over it. Also on days that I don't make it to the gym, I take the dogs out for a walk around our block (about a mile in distance). Or I start cleaning around the house because anything that helps keep me moving in some way is never a bad thing, right?

The main take away that I finally grasped was that the pounds weren't all going to come back the very minute my lips touched a cheeseburger. Or if I gave into the chocolate bar that I really wanted once that week. Keep in mind I usually only crave them once, and then it will be weeks before I crave something else again. I didn't use this as an excuse to eat junk food every day either. If I kept telling myself that it was okay to eat crap the way I had before then yes the weight would eventually come back. For the most part it all came down to finding a balance that worked for me which still allowed room for a certain amount of weight loss at a steady pace. Everyone is different though so I get that for some it has to be all or nothing. Fortunately for me, the changes I've made and kept in place have helped improve how I see myself. Sure I'm still critical about some things, but I'm not extremely negative about it. Instead I ask my friends or other gym goers for tips. I'll ask my dad to help push me a bit harder during our gym sessions. All of this allows me to find solutions/help for the problem areas that I have, and the tools I need in order to target them. I'm slowly but surely getting the end results that I want.

It all takes time though. And just like the weight won't all come back in an instant, it isn't going to go away over night. And here's a little secret too: the scales lie. Just because the number doesn't drop each week, or you find that it's gone up instead doesn't mean that there isn't progress being made. A lot underneath the surface starts to appreciate all of the good your doing for yourself. Your skin becomes healthier, your mood/energy changes, and you are in fact getting stronger. Even though you may not see it yourself I promise that it happens. Others will more than likely notice it before you do too. I was told by several people that I looked healthier even before I noticed it myself.  It took me comparing a before and after picture to finally see just how much I had changed.

And here it is in all it's glory:

The ME on the left is what I looked like at my starting weight, which was 185lbs, back at the end of September 2015. The ME on the right is 150lbs, which was at the end of March 2016. I currently fluctuate between 150-153lbs. I went from a size 15 to a size 10 in jeans. In tops I went from a size XXL to a L. Currently, my goal weight is 135 lbs (which is based on my age and height), and then I'd like to focus on toning up and defining. I'd love to fluctuate between 135-140lbs from that point forward. Recently I've stalled on losing any weight which means I've hit my plateau. So, I've decided to incorporate a few other "tools" to my work outs. Mixing up my routine usually helps break this setback cycle, but I'm also going to add ankle weights as well as a sweat belt. I feel like I need to focus more on cardio right now, and then later integrate more intense strength training to focus on gaining some defined muscle. I could be wrong though so if anyone has any suggestions I'm all ears!

STILL, I AM SOOO CLOSE TO REACHING MY GOAL YOU GUYS! SO. CLOSE. I know that the start of this journey wasn't under ideal circumstances or in a healthy way. I don't condone/recommend living off of herbal tea for months. But I guess you could say that this was my way of making lemonade out of the lemons I had been handed. This lifestyle change was one of the good things that came from a lot of bad.

**This is not a sponsored post. I am in no way getting paid for mentioning any of these products. I'm only linking to these products and mentioning these brands in case anyone has questions about what I specifically use.

Well...

I still haven't decided what I'll be doing with this blog in regards to direction, change, or deletion. I also know that in my last post I stated that I wanted to focus more on positive things, but life doesn't always work like that. So, I'm still undecided about the future of my little ocean. Until then, I guess you guys will have to deal with (or skip) whatever word vomit I let come out. And I'm apologizing in advance because this one is all over the place today.

Recently, my heart and mind have been going against each other. It's left me with a lot of confusion. A lot to think about, and even more to work through. I hate feeling like this. My counselor told me that in some ways I seem to be reverting back into how I was before. Not necessarily in a bad way, or wrong way...just that it's happening. We've decided on an "every other week" schedule so he can get a better "look" at what might be behind all of this. I left my last session feeling pretty optimistic though. And since then I've been doing a lot of thinking about what's ahead. 

There's a lot about commitment and love that some people don't get. One of the things that was said recently was "it's not cheating if you weren't together". I disagreed. Because to me, until the ink has dried on a stack of divorce papers, you are still married. You should still continue to have respect for your spouse because they are still your spouse. My husband did not do that. And a lot of people say things like, "Well it was the drugs, and alcohol." Others say things like "He wasn't in his right mind, he didn't know any better." However, there's something to be said about making those choices in the first place. There's something to be said about the disrespect towards me that was shown repeatedly. Shouldn't we all take responsibility for what we say and do? Isn't that the whole point? To take ownership of our actions. So why do some people get a pass? Why can some people hurt others, and it be completely dismissed? They become the victim, and you just become the bitter party that "can't let go and forgive." But why? When presented with the question "When everything is said and done, what do you want to come out of all of this?" These were just some of the things that I started to recall and think about. I started to question what kind of relationship I wanted. What kind of relationship I needed to have with myself, as well. And so far, everything has just been this jumbled mess of emotions that I'm slowly making my way through. My ideas of love and commitment are still just as strong as they were before. Only now, it seems that my trust in those two things coming from others has been slightly tainted.

Another issue from before that's fresh in my mind today is the name calling. Throughout this whole ordeal I was being told that I was horrible. That I was not wanted. That I was disgusting. That I was being called names because I was deserving of them. And when it came to others addressing me with those same terms, it was almost encouraged. Justified. And lately, I've been trying to understand why I ever allowed it. Why did I cower? Why did I take it all. My self respect, in the eyes of others, was always something that I held up high. It was something that older friends loved about me, and I was respected for. But when it came to him, I just let him treat me however he saw fit. I let it continue. I allowed my daughter to see it. I allowed my daughter to hear it. I allowed my self-respect to continuously be battered. I felt like I was deserving of it all. However, recently I started to look at my situation through the eyes of a parent. How would I feel if my baby girl allowed someone to speak to her, or treat her in the same manner? Would it ever be okay? Would I ever want her to grow up thinking that this is what love looked like?

No.

So why did I allow that to be my reality. Why did I allow myself to think that I was not worth more? I know that my husband has changed. I know that he's made some progress in certain areas. I know that he is trying in the only way he knows how. I know that he is not, nor will he ever be, perfect. I'm not either, and I don't claim to be. My issues are a mile long, and I'm barely addressing the beginning. But some food for thought was given to me recently, and it went along the lines of:

"Every addict, regardless of the addiction, does not get better after their first try. This is something that they will battle every day. And sometimes...the people around them, no matter how much they think they are helping, are only enabling them. We become a crutch for them, and this becomes the only reason why they tell us what we want to hear. Sometimes, we allow those habits to continue and we allow them to go back to old ways because we think that they're allowed to mess up. They're allowed to hurt us because of their disease. And so, the cycles continue until that person is truly ready to make the change. To let go. No matter how badly we want things to turn out a certain way for them because we love them, it's not up to us. It's up to them. Only then, will it get better."  

I know what my vows are. For better or worse. I took those. I meant them with everything inside of me. I stood by my husband, even during the affairs, ready to give things another try. My end goal was to keep my family together. EVEN when I was being told that I wasn't loved. That I wasn't wanted. What I always hoped for was to keep my family. To love this man, despite everything, because he was my person. And even though he didn't always realize it, I would always be there for him. But at what cost? Becoming a crutch. Am I enabling him by continuously allowing him to dismiss what he did? By making up excuses? By allowing myself to be treated horribly on the "bad days"? When do you say, "That's it...I can't do this anymore. I love you, but I can't do this anymore." At what point can you truly let go of the person you thought you would be with for the rest of your life because you were holding them back, and they were dragging you down? At what point?



 

Wordless Wednesday