Wordless Wednesday

Two Weeks

It's been two weeks of silence on my part. I've written and rewritten this. I've read and reread it. Things have settled down enough for me to go ahead and get things off my chest and I intend to do just that. But I'm also really terrified of putting everything about this out there. Mainly because it involves my husband, and even though he knows I have a blog he's never looked at it. So I'm not entirely too sure about how he feels about me discussing this openly. I know I can always take it down, but I felt like I needed to write this down. For me, just as much as for you. So here goes:

My husband and I spent a week apart to think about where we want our relationship to go. He stayed at our house and I spent it over at my parents. Some people are probably asking "Why?" or "A week? That's it? That's hardly a separation." But the week was supposed to be some what of a "preview". There was no contact between the two of us, and he only called when he wanted to talk with Emery. We had a week to decide whether we wanted more time apart to think things over, in which case we'd come together to make arrangements for a longer separation. But my main concern was our daughter. I didn't want Emery feeling displaced or uncomfortable about not being at her house, in her regular environment, and that's the reason for the one week time frame.

Now comes the "Why?" And let me just say that I never in my entire life knew such a little word could be so loaded. There are a lot of things that I want to change that he doesn't want. There are a lot of things that he wants to hold on to that I really need completely out of my life. We both have our demons, and for lack of better words, sometimes those fuckers won't let go. No matter how hard you kick, scream, and beg for them to. A lot of times I was left with my heart in my hands, wondering how the hell I got here? How did our lives take this turn? And a lot of the time I was left feeling torn in two. Knowing what the "healthy" and "society friendly" decision should be verses the "till death do us part" vows I took. There were days when everything was okay, we had compromised, and we felt like we were finally moving forward in our lives. But they were quickly overshadowed by the arguments, the fighting, the accusations, and overall stress of our current situation. It literally felt like the minute we were doing well, and making progress something would come along to knock us back down. For me it has been such a  vicious, draining, cycle and I'm just so tired of it.

After a week of separation, Emery started to ask why we weren't going home. She would cry because her dad wasn't there at night, and she'd ask if he was coming to see us. Then, I cried after she'd fall asleep because despite all of the encouragement, and support I felt completely alone, confused, and sad. I felt like my world was dissolving and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. After the week, still with no clear resolution or decision, we headed back home. I was ready to sleep in my own bed, to have my things, and to be back into what was familiar. But with no real decision, all I could do was say my peace. I know what I want and what I don't. I spent a lot of time explaining myself, and my reasons. I don't want my husband to think that I don't love him, because I do. More than anyone can imagine. And that's probably why this is all so incredibly hard. But it's time for us to grow up. It's time for us to do what's best for us as a family and not what's best for us as individuals. We can't be a family like that. And I know that we can do better, be better, but it will come at a price. One that I'm completely willing to pay to take the necessary steps to move forward. But I can't do it alone. So it's up to him on whether or not we do this together.

I know I said I would give you details, but I honestly can't. It would take entirely too long, and I feel that the exact details of what happened/ are happening should be kept private. I wish I could say that this story ends up having a happy ending, but I just don't know. If you want to know who initiated this separation, I would say it was me. If you asked who set it off, I would say it was him. But don't think that this was just something that happened over night. It's been building for over a year. And we've had problems since before that. I've tried everything I can think of besides a counselor to figure out what to do. We've talked, and we've argued before. But when I said, changes needed to be made, I was serious. Because at the current rate, we wouldn't last another year before the hate and resentment would start to grow and that's not where I want my marriage heading.

For now we are under the same roof, being the best parents we can be. I've placed a new rule about discussing us only after Emery's asleep. I can say that we've decided to give our marriage a fighting chance, but we are taking things slow. I don't want to go back to pretending everything is all "sunshine and rainbows" when it clearly isn't. Avoiding the issues won't make them go away and there are certain things that need to happen before we can really move forward. There may or may not be a longer separation in the future. I honestly have no idea. We might need to finally see a marriage counselor or even seek individual counseling. Who knows? But, whatever happens we've decided that all of the next steps will be taken together and only after we're absolutely certain of them.

Listen

Radio Silence

I know I said I would be back to regular blogging now that things were settling down. And believe me this was my full intention. But, shit has hit the fan in my personal life. Big time. That decision, and all of those changes I was talking about....well, they were pretty much forced on me this morning. Which sucks, because I felt like I needed more time. But I guess, sometimes, life kind of kicks you in the ass and tells you that you'll do things when it wants.Not when you're planning on it.  The next few weeks will be a shit storm. No joke. And I'm sure my resolve will waver, because even now I'm scared to death. I've talked myself in and out of what needs to be the next step at least 6 times in the last hour. People are going to be upset, others supportive, and some might disown me completely. It's going to be rough. Really rough. So, I need to focus on this. I need to focus on being strong. To prepare myself for the harsh words, and the supportive ones. I need to be completely focused on what's about to happen and do my best to handle it as gracefully as I can.  That said I've decided to just, turn everything off. I might go as far as deactivating some of my social networks depending on how things go. But once things settle I promise to get back on here and fully explain what the hell is going on. In the meantime, please just send me some prayers. Or positive vibes if your not the religious type. Anything is appreciated. 

The 2013 Firecracker 100

My father and brother are both really into cycling. For awhile there they would compete in as many races within an hours driving distance as they could. But when things started to get a bit tight, and other commitments started popping up, their priorities became rearranged. Instead of competing they’d just go ride for fun. They’d ride with friends, for exercise, or to work. So, it had been well over a year since either one competed. This past Saturday that changed when they decided to go ahead and enter into the Firecracker 100.

Now, I’m the self proclaimed cheerleader for sporting events! And I drag Kim along. Since our family is really big on competing, we've always been really great at being there for one another. That includes attending events, running alongside, and yelling encouragement/tips when needed. I absolutely LOVE it! I actually think it’s one of many ways we all get to bond. So, how exactly do we “cheer on” the riders? Well, I carry a spare bike (or two) in the bed of the truck, and then we meet up with whoever is competing along the routes. We get them water and snacks at the check points, stop at certain points to clap/yell/shout out their progress to them. I’m constantly on the go, and I feel like we’re doing something that helps. And it’s not just for my family either, we cheer on as many riders as we can.

A few years ago, this particular route was different and all riders were sent in the same direction for this race. But this year, due to an accident two years ago and road construction, the routes were changed. So keeping up with my dad and brother was a bit more difficult since they were sent off in opposite directions. Still, we were able to meet each of them once along their route, at a checkpoint, and finally at the finish line! Though we just barely made it to see my dad cross because he went all “Mr. Speedy Gonzales” at the end. My dad rode the 24 mile race in just over an hour. And my brother rode the 40 mile race in just under two hours. Both did an amazing job, and finished really strong. The race wasn't timed and they only announced the first place winners of each race, but according to our count both my father and brother placed either 3rd or 4th in their respective races!

Afterwards we all met up for pizza and salad to celebrate! And since they did so well, they’re even considering entering the next two race coming up in August! If my brother does well in those my dad said that he’ll take him to go and compete in a major sanctioned race up in the Metroplex! That would give him a chance to be exposed to scouts. If he can get sponsors that means he’ll be able to get better gear, parts, and even bikes! So we’re keeping our fingers crossed! This is something my brother really loves to do and I would love nothing more than to see him get a shot at riding professionally. It's something that he's always wanted to do, and I really hope he gets his chance!

Wordless Wednesday

A Night At The Carnival

The carnival was here for a whole week. On the second weekend, Emery asked if we’d take her at the last minute so I did. We were joined by my brother and his girlfriend before they headed off to see a movie. Emery and I ended up staying out until 11 pm, and afterwards we stopped at Taco Bell because she insisted on having a burrito. And it was one of the few places open in town. While we waited for our food this group of friends came in, and one of the guys instantly took to Emery. He played “hide and seek” with her and even had her giggling by making a bunch of funny faces. I wish I had a picture of them because it was so cute how Emery was so taken with this guy. This hardly EVER happens with anyone. She’s pretty shy and stand offish with just about everyone. Eventually we had to head out and she said her goodbyes to the group. A few of the workers had been watching their interactions, and she made sure to say goodnight to them too. As we headed home, Emery sighed and said “Mom, that was fun.” right before dozing off. And it really was a perfect carefree and fun night.

When Did July Get Here?

Hmm, hello! I know it’s been awhile. July, already? Really? Yeesh! I've actually been suffering from a huge case of “writers block”.  Or you could just call it “being lazy”. I’d often sit down behind the computer fully intent on writing something only to find myself coming up blank. It’s like I knew what I wanted to write about I just didn't really have the words for it. Don’t you hate when that happens? Well, instead of forcing something I’d just close my laptop and continue with my day. I know that makes me a bad blogger, but I’d rather be inconsistent than forced.

Since there’s a nice gap between the time I last posted it’s safe to say that I have something to write about. But, this weeks is also a busy one for me. My place of employment has switched over to a new system so I’ll be spending a lot of my free time learning about it. I also submitted my financial aid, and I’ll have to headed to Weatherford sometime this week to register for classes. I've been out of school for a semester (seems like it’s been forever though) and I’m pretty excited about starting up again! I feel like I have a “new resolve”. So many things in my life our changing and I feel like I need to get my ass into gear and finish this already.

Now, last week I only had a three day work week so I took full advantage of the time off. It. Was. So. Nice. I was able to spend 4 days at home relaxing and enjoying time with my family. It was also really nice to just take a few steps back and breathe. But that’s not saying we weren't busy! We did a lot of things, and were able to visit with friends. It was nice, and I don’t think we stayed at home for three of those days. So this week will consist of quite a few catch up posts; complete with pictures! Hope everyone had a wonderful and safe fourth of July.