We're in Some Weird Limbo

If I could tell you were the hell we stand as a family, as a couple, or as co-parents I would totally tell y'all. If I knew anything in regards to a court date, a rehab date, or even counselling sessions I would tell y'all that too. Unfortunately, we've hit a pause in any huge life changing decisions. Not because I want to, or because my husband wants to. More along the lines of some other important shit has come up first, and well we have to deal with that first. So for right now, we're in this weird, "in house" separation type of thing.

Two weeks after my husband left the house he was back. A lot of the people who claimed, or stated that they wanted to help ended up back tracking really quickly. Those that said they'd step in to get some help, or even offered to help find housing never even answered their phones when the time came. Which to be honest wasn't that surprising. But the one person who I really thought had changed things around, and was sincere in their offer ended up being a complete let down. So, in the end I was the one left holding the bag. After speaking with my family, talking to my daughter at length about what was going on, and finally speaking to my husband about what he was asking of me I decided to let him stay in our home. I know it's strange to some people, but so far we basically co-parent as best as we can. We've talked through a lot of this with our daughter, and that's as far as the clarity goes. 

During the time he was away, my daughter talked about how she missed her dad. On one particularly rough night I asked her what would make her feel better? Did she want to talk to him? Did she want to see him? Did she want to cry? Did she want to talk about what she was feeling? She thought for a moment, and then told me she just missed her dad being there where she could see him. So I had her FaceTime him, and afterwards she said she felt better. That was a hard night for me. It hurt my heart to see her so sad. That was a night when I questioned everything. Was I right in what I was doing? Was I making a selfish decision? Was I completely in the wrong? Should I have waited a bit longer? Should I change a bit more?  Did I really know what I was getting us into? 

The thing is that a lot of what happened couldn't be undone. A lot of what I found out, and a lot of what was going on under my roof without my knowing was not okay. It was all a risk I chose to take from the time before. And it was all something I knew could happen again. Or that could be much worse the second time around. So, when the veil was lifted I made a decision. One that I still think is best for us as a family. But one that is currently on pause. A limbo of sorts. Right now I'm choosing to be a supportive partner. I'm choosing to get along, and help my husband for the well being of our family. And I'm choosing to be understanding rather than dismissive. This is what's best for my family right now, and I'm not apologizing for it. For now this is what's going on, and as soon as it changes I'll let y'all know. 

We're Going to Be Okay

I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to put the last couple of days into words. I feel completely terrified as I write this. There are so many emotions that I'm feeling, and they change by the hour. And I honestly have no idea what tomorrow is going to bring. What I thought was going to happen, or at least how it started out originally, was completely misleading. That shift that I've talked about before finally happened, and it hasn't been an easy pill to swallow. In fact, I still feel very drained. Sure. But drained. I felt this urge to write about what's been going on because I needed to pour it out. However, I've written so many different versions over the past 48 hours that I wasn't sure which one I should post. I have the nice version, this version, the not so nice version, and the "I'm totally fine" version too. I actually scheduled one, drafted it, rescheduled it, and then drafted it again. It's as if putting this out there would make it real. This was actually happening. And to be honest with you I'm not sure how I'm going to handle this. Right now I just feel numb. So, here goes nothing. 

On Wednesday of last week I asked for a separation with the intention of getting a divorce. That sentence still feels really weird to think. Even more strange to say out loud. Which is why I could count the people I've told on one hand before publishing this post. I feel like I knew this was going to happen, and yet I didn't at the same time. It makes sense in one way, and yet feels so foreign in another. And to be honest I'm still pretty scared. Probably not for the reason you're thinking though. I'm completely heartbroken at the turn this has taken. I feel really damn lost, and even with all the clarity I thought I had I still have a crap ton of confusion circling through my heart. But I know I'm making the right decision. Before I came to it though I told myself that I needed to be completely certain. I had to make sure that I had done everything in my power to try making things work. I also told myself that I needed to make sure that all of the "reasons" weren't just in my head. That the unhappiness, and the uncertainty weren't just a side effect of nitpicking. Of trying to find a reason. Things had been stressful, and money has been super tight. I didn't want these feelings to be a by product of all that stress, and anxiety being built up. Sadly, at the beginning of last week I found out about some things that I'm not really ready to talk about yet, but they gave me the push I needed. 

It's safe to say that I finally felt that shift click into place. After finding out a few more things I just knew that I couldn't go through this again. It was time to stop this roller coaster, and get the fuck off. At first, I said he was welcomed to stay in our shared home until he could find his own place. I even offered to work over time, and take out some extra money in order for him to put down on an apartment. I wanted to work together on this because I love him. But then on Saturday, when I woke up to a handful of other discoveries, I immediately took our daughter to my parents house. I called his family, demanded some answers (which I never got), and after a few hours I asked him to leave that same day. I wanted needed a divorce. Then I waited for him to pack up his things before handing over the car keys. He left with some really hurtful words, and not before breaking several things inside our home. Once he started backing out of the driveway I got into my vehicle, and I cried the entire time I drove away. I felt like everything inside was shattering, and I knew there was nothing else I could do. This was really...truly...the end. 

I'll dive into more of the specific at a later time. Right now, I'm still processing it myself. But I am determined to handled this better than our first separation. Back then I had no idea what I was going to do, or what had set everything off so suddenly. I spent a lot of time grieving, and I cried so much. I was handed shock after shock, and I allowed myself to get caught up in him. I was utterly devastated, and heartbroken in every possible way. Now, I'm not saying that I'm not feeling those same things now. I just feel stronger this time, or more sure of my capabilities. I'm not letting my emotions lead the way either. Instead I just try my best to get through each day as best as I can. I smile, and I go about everything normally. For my daughter as much as for myself. I refuse to crumble like I did before. Sure I've had my weak moments. Moments when I panic, and ask myself if I'm doing the right thing. Moments when I hurt so badly inside because this wasn't how we were supposed to end. We were supposed to get passed all of the bullshit, and grow old together. Moments when I tell myself that I'll regret breaking up my family. And I admit that I allow myself to give into those little moments by having myself a good cry. But then I tell myself that I'm doing what I need to do in order to protect my daughter. I'm doing the best thing that I can do in our situation, and that's what matters. So, we're going to be okay. No matter what happens next, we're going to be okay. We have an amazing support system. We have stability. And we're going to get through this.

Here's A Post From My Drafts

Today something clicked. Something snapped, almost like a rubber band that's being stretched out too far, and I felt so incredibly naive. I knew that everything going on was because of me, and not in the way that you're probably thinking. Still, I'm at fault for something. Something that has the potential to tip me over.  I'll write about it later. I'll post about it later. But I went through my drafts for some inspiration, or maybe just to read some words that I had started but never published. I came across this post from last month. For some reason or another I didn't hit publish. 

I remember exactly how I felt that day. I recall exactly what happened too. My confusion was at an all time high that day. My emotions were all over the place. I remember the adrenaline pumping through my body. The event that took place, should have been a wake up call for me, but it took only a few hours for me to dismiss it. I can say that once the day had passed I was closer to seeing that "line drawn in the sand" more clearly though. I was pretty close to understanding what I ended up realizing today, but obviously I just wasn't ready to push myself in order to get there. Today however I am so many things all at once. It all came crashing down. It was everything I felt on that day last month, and then some.

Something in my head clicked over today. It's caused me to question so much. It feels like I'm having a lot of thoughts, and emotions shoved inside of me, and then being told to figure out why they were all put there. I need to dissect the feelings that are associated with each of the questions I'm asking myself with an overwhelming amount of truth, and honesty because that's the ONLY way to get anywhere.  But the thoughts aren't in order. It's all really random right now. It's fresh, and raw. Jumbled. How I feel right now may change in the next second. So I can't write about that now. Not until I'm sure. Not until I know. So instead, I'm giving you this. A half finished post about wishing that I had no free will because that would make life easier, and at that very moment easy was what I needed. And today, in a really intense moment of anxiety, I kind of wished for the same. 

"How Are Things?"

A question I get asked a lot is: “How are things with you and your husband?” I know people mean well, and they’re curious to see how we are doing which I appreciate. I just end up feeling really uncomfortable being asked this for several reasons: 1) I’m not always sure what all I should really say because it changes daily; sometimes hourly. 2) I am not focused on our relationship right now. 3) I’m just as confused as everyone else is on how to go forward in whatever kind of relationship is best because I feel like I'm still really uncertain about my feelings. 4) I’m still trying to figure out how to best cope with what happened. Sure it’s been a few months now, but these emotions and feelings can take a while to sort through not to mention much longer to resolve. I’ve actually been told to my face that we needed to “hurry up and decide” because it makes things awkward for our family and friends. Because obviously our relationship is about everyone else, and their comfort is our main concern. (<--read that with heavy sarcasm) So, here’s my side, since that’s the only version I can give you. And just a heads up, this is long.

Have you ever read those quotes or memes on Facebook that go something along the lines of: “I love you so much, but sometimes I want to run you over with my car. LOL!” They’re all different, and sometimes we look at them while chuckling and thinking “Oh that’s so cute, because it’s so accurate to real life. Hahaha.” I’ll be the first to admit that I was one of those women who used to talk about how amazing it was that I could go from wanting to choke my husband one minute to not being able to keep my hands off of him the next. Because that’s love, right? We take the good and the bad. A relationship is two different people sharing a life, not one entity, so of course there would be disagreements. There would be times when you made mistakes, or did something that might irritate each other. This was a normal occurrence in marriages, but the important part was that at the end of the day there was still so much love between the two of you. Well, for me that’s not all there anymore. No matter how much I try to get that feeling back it's just not surfacing. The mistakes he made weren’t cute. They weren’t just a bump in the road that we could look back on and laugh. I wasn’t a saint either. Instead of talking things out or trying to get him some help sooner I grew angry. I grew so tired of feeling like the only grown up in the relationship that I stopped caring. I became distant soon after that, and I just shut down. I also allowed myself to be disrespected. I allowed the emotional and verbal abuse to reach a point that I have no idea if we’ll ever be able to fully recover from it. Instead of trying to work through things I would just counter his words with complaints. If he wanted to see a bitch well then I would show him just how big of a bitch I could be. There were several months that I recall where I couldn’t walk through my front door without having something to argue/complain about. The people he was talking to, the friends he had over, and the parties that were being thrown until 3am on nights we had to work. The household chores always ended up being left to me, he was doing a lot of drinking, and we were always short on money. I'll admit that we would have a few good months, but then the storm would start brewing again. Fast forward to today, and there are days when I think that everything will be okay. I feel like we try to tiptoe around each other, and it gives us this illusion that life can go on as if nothing happened. We’ll get through this I tell myself. We’ll get back to being the “us” from before everything went wrong. But then I ask myself if that’s even a good place for us to be? Isn’t that just moving backwards? Wasn’t I in a horrible state back then? Why would I want to allow our relationship to go back and reset to that point? Currently, all I can say with honesty is that I have days when I feel comfortable around him. I feel at peace for a few moments, and it's as if we picked up where things left off. We get along for awhile, and it feels like we're a family again. And then there are the days when I question whether I should even attempt reconciliation because things just feel so different. I feel different. WE feel different. The dynamic of our relationship is so so different. It feels like playing pretend sometimes. It feels...off?

Then when I say that I’m “not focused” on our relationship it doesn’t mean that I’m not working towards something. No need to rehash all of the details, but if you want to go over it there’s a lengthy post here. And it’s somewhat of a follow up, here. It’s safe to say that there’s a lot of hurt; especially on my end. I’m sure that he feels some of it too for his own reasons. The relationships he pursued gave him something that he felt I couldn’t give him so I'm sure that left a part of him feeling incomplete when he came back. And in all honesty, I’m not even sure if he was wrong in feeling that way in the first place. Maybe I can't give him what they did? Then there’s the issue of trust. At times I feel like there’s a huge mountain of distrust that just keeps getting wider. I don’t know how to close the gap, and often I wonder if I’m even meant to? What some people don’t realize is that the lack of trust in a relationship can cause it to crumble. You can’t just toss that pillar to the side because that leaves the rest of the foundation weak. So, it can affect the daily things that are talked about, communication in regards to how you really feel, intimacy, and even how you feel about yourself. Full disclosure: I feel that we both have tried to restore intimacy in our relationship. I know that I've tried to recreate what I felt from before; to ignite that passion again. I have tried my hardest to recall everything that brought us together. To look passed what had happened, and see that we were trying to be better. Which is what I had begged and prayed for. BUT it’s not the same. There’s something missing. And often my mind wanders to the other women. Anytime we try to be close as a couple I instantly think of them. The sting almost feels like I’m pouring salt on an open wound, and I have no idea how to make that stop. So, the solution with the help from my counselor was to not force anything. Take a step back. Work on my issues. Work on my life. I need to figure out who I am, what makes me happy, and learn about my needs. I need to learn how to love myself, and bring my self-confidence back up. Discover some form of independence for myself, and learn where I begin and end. Once I do that, I can approach our relationship/marriage issues. So, that’s why I’m focused on ME rather than US right now. Who am I? What do I like? What will I allow? What won't I allow? Am I doing things that make me happy? If not, why am I doing them?

With all of this written out it may seem negative. It may seem like I'm beating on a dead horse, or as if all the roads basically lead up to us getting a divorce. What you don't see is that THIS is just part of a great big process. I'm feeling the same way countless women before me have felt. I am feeling every bit of the betrayal, and heartache. I'm feeling my failure and shortcomings in regards to my marriage. The fallout. I may not seem like it when out in public, but I carry it with me everywhere I go. These days I meticulously go over every option. I constantly doubt my abilities, and I question absolutely everything. I'm hurting, and at times feel like just walking away. In some eyes, I would have EVERY right to do so. In others I'm doing the best thing by keeping my family together. But it will eventually be left up to how I feel once I'm done recovering. Once I've purged everything that I have inside, and I've gone through all of the stages. It will come down to how he feels once he's done recovering. Once he's sure of how he feels. I'm trying to be as open about where I stand emotionally when I feel really certain about how I feel. I want to have that open dialogue because I feel communication, no matter how hard, is key to heading in a good direction. A  mature, and loving one. Whether it's together or not. So, that's how things are for now.

To The Troll

My previous post was an update. When I spend a lot of time away from writing on this blog that's what I do. I take everything that has happened, and try to condense it into one summarized post. There are no dates, or actual timeline for those who read to actually know the minute or day that things happened. And even though YOU (you know who you are) don't really deserve any type of explanation or response, I feel up to giving you one anyway. Because fuck it. I've addressed you via text and over social media, and yet you still choose to hide behind other accounts. And worse, you try to create more drama by trying to go around me. 

This is a message that I received last night. Along with the same person trying to create drama by addressing my estranged husband over social media. But before I address that, here's a bit of history for you, that is extremely personal: My husband pursued another relationship while we were living separately. I won't get into the dirty details, but I'm sure from the previous posts many had already guessed that. I spoke with a lawyer, he spoke with a lawyer, and things got pretty nasty. I had papers drawn up in JANUARY, and we had agreed to file for a divorce at the beginning of FEBRUARY. At this point from the suggestion of a counselor, my doctor, my family, and even some coworkers I was encouraged to start "getting back out there". Reconnect with some old  friends. Go out on a date. Start doing things that I wanted to do. And so I started to do just that. Only, as that was all unfolding for me my husband spiraled out of control, and hit a wall full force. That's when he asked for help. And even though he was living with us we were in separate rooms, and he was still talking to someone else. For the sake of our daughter we wanted to remain amicable going forward.

So, with that in mind I actually reconnected with several old friends. I spoke with one of my best friends, and was informed that I should reconnect with a mutual friend of ours because he had just gotten out of a relationship as well. I was told that we should talk because we were going through very similar situations. So, I got in contact and we talked. Initially it was just a lot of catching up. Comparing notes, who got dealt the worse hand. Then there was flirting later on from both sides, and communication became more frequent. However, that's as far as things ever went. I wasn't ready to actually date anyone. According to him, neither was he. By law I am still married, and I wouldn't bring someone else into the picture until I was divorced. Any person going through this knows that it's nice to be complimented. To be hit on. Especially when you've heard some pretty ugly things about yourself that came from someone you thought you would be with for the rest of your life. When that person walks out, tells you that they might prefer someone else, it really does a number on you. And so, dipping my toes so to speak, into putting myself back out there was a baby step for me. I didn't have any expectations, and for the most part it was just really nice to have someone to talk to that knew what I was going through. The confusion; the hesitation. The heartbreak, the anger, and the loss. Sometimes when I felt like I was so deserving of what I was going through, what had happened, I was reminded that I was worth more. No one deserved that kind of treatment. That alone got me through some rough days, and anxiety attacks. Maybe I should have waited longer? Maybe I should have set boundaries? Maybe I should have done a little more homework on who I was talking to? From where I was standing though, my marriage was over and that had been stressed to me on several occasions by my own spouse, so I was doing my best to move forward. And if you're wanting to judge me for that, go for it. Your opinion of me doesn't matter because you're not important to me.

Last MONDAY, my husband randomly asked if there was hope for us. If there was any chance of us trying to make things work. Or had he pushed things too far? I informed him that he had pushed things too far. That I wasn't sure we could ever work things out because the trust was gone. He was still speaking to other people, and I had seen the messages to prove it. So unless that changed, I didn't see a point in us dragging things out. I wanted us to both be happy even if that meant we would no longer be together. He asked if I wanted to see other people? "Maybe" was my response, "But I won't date anyone until the divorce is started." Then on THURSDAY, he did something really reckless. He hit the absolute lowest point that he could, and those actions that he took shook me. We had to have an emergency meeting with two doctors, as well as three counseling sessions. We've both gone in this week, and will be doing more "group" (he and I together) sessions today as well as tomorrow. We've talked to the counselor about needing to find goals, about whether we need to table the divorce for now, can things work out if we both get to a good place, and how each of us feels about getting to a better place regardless so that what happened on Thursday does not happen again. So for now, as of THIS MONDAY, we've both agreed to put things on hold. The papers have been shelved, and we will see where the next few months take us.

SO THAT'S WHERE I AM, CURRENTLY. However, last WEDNESDAY, I received some messages from that friend's ex girlfriend. Or as she claimed, still current girlfriend, and had been the whole time. Which was news to me. That same night I received messages from him as well as one of his friends, stating that the "crazy ex girlfriend" had stolen his phone, and to disregard anything that came from that number. Instead I went ahead, and addressed both of them. Because the last thing I need in my life right now is more drama. He needed to figure his shit out with her, and I wished him luck. If she was mad about the flirting then she needed to take things up with him. Because from what he had told me, and others, he was not with anyone so he could do as he pleased. And I was definitely the least of her problems. I washed my hands of the situation, stopped responding, and moved on to more important things because the following day was one of the scariest I had ever been through.

Then last night, my husband received a message via Facebook, and I received the one above. So it seems this person is still mad, still trying to retaliate, and still wanting to stir things up. Here is my response to YOU: 

If there's something you want to talk about or need addressed, do so with me. You have my number. Do not be a coward, and hide behind different screen names so you can try to bring other people into the drama. My estranged husband and I are currently going through our own private situation that I really didn't need to explain to YOU, but since you clearly want to know/get into my business; THERE YOU GO. Even that brief glimpse above doesn't even begin to cover the extent of what we are going through so do not try to pretend like you know anything about my life. You have some serious issues you need to work through, and I suggest you do that with your ex or current boyfriend or whatever it is that you two are. Along with a really good counselor because you obviously need it. Your situation has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with you two so maybe you should focus on that. If it is true that you were still together then know that it was never my intention to be talking to someone who was in a relationship because that happened to me, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. So how about you deal with all of those that stated you two were not together, including him personally, instead of trying to repeatedly attack me. I hope you two figure out whatever it is that you are or are not, and I hope that it's resolved soon. However, if the harassment continues, I will seek out a more permanent and legal way to remove you from my life.

Now swerve on. 

Time

Time is such a funny thing. When they say that it "heals" well, I'm not sure how accurate that is, but I can vouch that it takes the sting away from the pain. I went through and re-read some of my previous posts, and embarrassingly feel like I should take them down. Not because I'm ashamed really, but because I should have given myself more time. I should have let the sting fade. So, I may or may not revert them back to drafts.

It's been six months (give or take a few days) since life as I knew it kind of crumbled. I went through some really low lows, and some medium acceptable days. There were a lot of tears, some smiles, and a lot of family and friends that lent me strength when I needed it most. I'm completely grateful for each and every one of them. Currently, I am still married. Though we're both leaning towards divorce. My estranged husband did a lot of damage to himself, our relationship, and to our family. We've talked about trying to work things out, but as of right now we aren't sure that's a realistic goal for us. He's currently on his road to getting better though he's had a few hiccups along the way. As of right now I'm helping in a small way to get him back on his feet. We are remaining amicable, and residing in the same house. I know some people have asked if this is confusing for our daughter, to which I normally answer that I believe it's not. I've had many discussions with her about how our family is changing, and what exactly that means. When my husband first left she started having a lot of separation anxiety from me. She would start to hyperventilate, and she would cry every day at school. There were times when she refused to speak to him, and on the times he did visit she would just hide. When we finally started to get back on the right track we gradually started having him back in our day to day life, and those issues started going away. Recently when I spoke to her about how our living arrangements would one day go back to her daddy having another home she responded by telling me: "That's okay mommy, I just don't want you and daddy to fight." There's no bad blood between the two of us, and I've forgiven a lot. After a recent conversation I think we both just feel that we're happier co-parenting, and living separately because we want different things as well as to live different lifestyles. So that's currently the stage that we're in, and we're doing our best to get through it.

Our living arrangement went from staying at my parents home, to moving back into our own place. Though we've not ruled out moving back in with my parents over the summer in order to save up some money once my husband officially gets back on his own feet. But for now, as we take things day by day, we are still in our own home. Our own space. Things are surprisingly peaceful, which I'm happy about. On another note, we found out in January that Emery has a hernia, and it's in a pretty unusual spot for a 6 year old. We have to see a specialist at the end of the month and then schedule a surgery. I've heard that these are pretty easy fixes, but it' still hard knowing that she'll be put under. On top of that my employer stopped paying for family insurance. Our attempt to get her on ObamaCare was a complete bust because none of the specialist take it, and neither does the Children's Hospital. So this will have to be an out of pocket procedure. Having her on her own insurance plan through the regular market place (they go based off of our combined income from last year) would cost me between $375-$450 a month. That's not possible for me to swing right now so it's not an option. On that front we're still trying to figure things out though.

Other than that I've been having to relearn some things. Habits are hard to break, you know? I'm trying to stand on my own two feet, and really put an effort into discovering who I am. I know that even though our family dynamic is changing there's still a lot of love between all of us. I'm not sure what the final outcome will be, but I do know that we'll always be a family no matter what. It just might not look like the traditional version, but that's okay. It's been a slow process that at times seemed almost impossible to go through, and there are still times when I get scared at the reality of what the future holds for us. But in the end I know that I can handle whatever life throws at me next. And we're all going to be okay.

Stalled

I have no control. My situation goes back and forth, and from one day to the next things change. I'm not a fan of this. I'm not a fan of not knowing. Of not having a plan or an end goal. It's frustrating, and beyond defeating. But there is nothing I can do about it. I just...put one foot in front of the other to keep pushing myself forward.

My husband says that he's not in a good place. He says he is unsure of every little thing in his life. He's confused. He's not sure if he'll ever be ready. Sadly, my daughter and I suffer right along with him. I've been told so many different things over the past month that have left my head spinning: I'm wanted, but then I'm not. I'm too jealous, but then I don't pay enough attention. I'm missed, but then not missed enough. I have done too little too late, or too much too soon. I am not enough, but at the same time I'm too good for someone like him. I've been told that I should leave him alone, stay out of his business, and yet I am the one at fault for not repeatedly informing him of events that pertain to our daughter. He wants us back, but then he doesn't miss our life. It's back and forth. Back and forth.

My nights are no longer my own. Before I was comforted in knowing that at some point, whether it was 9 pm or 1 am, he would bring himself home to us. He's not anymore. That reality is like being kicked repeatedly in the stomach every time I step through our front door. And at night, I find that my mind races and my heart feels so heavy with the sadness. He's living in a different house with his brother now. They throw parties, and invite other women over. My gut tells me that something is bound to happen, if it hasn't already. Playing with fire like that is not good. But, that's what makes him happy. One morning as we drove by I saw a woman's car parked in their drive way. And I remember just feeling so heartbroken. So lost, confused, and just hurt. From the back seat, as she looked out the window at their house, our daughter quietly stated, "Mommy. Daddy's not coming back home, is he?" And just seeing the look on her face made my heart crack. Our new reality hit me again, full force. "No, baby, I don't think he is." After I dropped her off I saw the pictures plastered on social media of the four of them all hugging each other on their couch. Later that morning when I asked him about it, he told me that I needed to stay out of his life. To stop "stalking" him because he needed space. The woman that stayed over was his brother's girlfriend, he said. He also stated that they were all just friends, and he was entitled to those. I guess he's right. However, I don't think what he's doing is very respectful to me, or to our marriage. Because, we are still married. I have male friends, but I don't go out partying with them or hugging all over them. I have more respect for my husband then that. What he's doing. Who he's inviting into his home. That's just like pouring gasoline next to an open flame. We no longer take that route anymore. It was too much for me to handle. And our daughter no longer asks to go over to see him.

Prayer, my parents, and the few close friends who know what is going on have been really getting us through our days. Keeping busy, and finals approaching next week have been huge distractions. The hardest time for me is at night when Em is finally asleep, and I'm left alone with my thoughts. I constantly wonder what he's doing, and who he's doing it with. Is he missing us? Does he regret his choices? Will he ever find his way back to me? Would I even want him to now that he's taken things so far? Sometimes, I get angry. I tell myself that I should not be okay with being a "second choice". I should not be the backup that someone settles for. I refuse to be someone's afterthought. I deserve to have someone who wants me, through the good times and the bad ones. Someone who fights for me; for us. My daughter and I deserve to have someone in our lives that wants to spend time with us. To be a family. I deserve to be wanted. Then there are nights when I sob into the shirt he left behind because I miss him so much. I feel like I'm being crushed by the weight of all the pain his absence has left behind. It echos in everything. The empty walls that once held his musical instruments. The silent rooms that no longer hold his laughter, or the music he meticulously worked on every day. And the empty drawers I refuse to fill up because they were his. I curl up on the couch, shirt in hand, and I close my eyes while I cry. I sit there long into the morning hours, waiting, pretending that he'll walk through the door at any moment.

Too Much

The back and forth is too much.

The hurtful words are too much.

The false hope is too much. 

The disrespectful behavior is too much.

The lies are too much.

The lack of compassion is too much.

Everything inside of me hurts all at once.

 

Whiplash; An Update

I've been looking at the previous posts, and that hurt I felt is still very much present. Only it's ebbed a little. As soon as I was able to I started to see a counselor because I wasn't handling things very well emotionally that first week. I did as my husband had asked which was to give him space, and I struggled to get through half a day without crying my eyes out in the bathroom. I smiled for our daughter. I went through the motions. I took a few days off from work, and during one of those days my mother sat me down to say "If you need help, we'll get you help. Just say the word, and we'll find you someone to talk to. You can't keep this all inside." Before her words even fully sank in I scheduled my appointment. And I've been going ever since. 

I've had a great support system throughout all of this which I'm extremely grateful for. I've also learned a lot about myself, and I'm still working through things. So far, I've come to terms with some of the parts that I had a play in when it comes to why things went the way they did in my marriage. I know that there are still plenty of other reasons I have yet to uncover too. But baby steps, right? I've also really, and truly realized that it wasn't all my fault. Some parts were, but not all of it. When I would speak to people about what was going on they'd always tell me, "You know this isn't your fault, right?" I'd nod my head, agree, and just breathe out slowly. Inside was a different story though. I would replay everything, and try to figure out why someone I thought loved me could have so much hate towards me? Obviously, it was me right? There was something wrong with me. If he fell out of love it was because of something I had done, right? What had I done? What did I need to do to fix it? What had I done to deserve this?

As week three rolled around, I slowly realized that I would be okay. I really felt it with every part of me that whatever happened I would come out of it stronger for surviving it. Obviously it was not an ideal situation, and divorce is not something that I wanted. But after leaving my counseling sessions every week I felt like I was chipping away at this huge blackness surrounding my feelings, and invading my thoughts. I was coming home feeling like I was finally constructing a vague/fuzzy outline for how I'd handle what was to come. It was a start. So I continued with the space, and no contact about anything that did not pertain to our daughter. One Friday night I decided I need a distraction so I went to see a band play at a local bar because I had realized that it had been so so long since I had gone to hear a band that I enjoyed. My husband never wanted to go with me to see a band that I liked if they were in town so I just wouldn't go. And even though I was still hurting immensely on the inside I found myself smiling as I sat with one of my sisters and listened to the music. Afterwards, I thought to myself, "You're still here. The world hasn't crumbled. You'll be okay." the entire drive home. And for the first time since he told me about wanting out of our marriage I felt some of the pressure lifting off of my shoulders.Not a lot, but enough to give me s bit of hope.

What I hadn't expected was for my husband to apologize. What I hadn't expected was for him to tell me that the four weeks we've been apart have been miserable for him. That he's seeing now what all he took for granted, and how he was wrong to have blamed everything on me. And I really didn't expect him to tell me that he wanted to work on things in order to give our marriage another chance. But most of all, I didn't expect how hesitant I was to believe what he was saying. Just three weeks before I was being told that I was no longer wanted. And as I begged him to reconsider his decision he had told me "no". So, can you imagine the emotional whiplash that resulted from his words? The confusion, and the doubt. It all clouded my head, and sent me back into this fog I had worked so hard at trying to clear. And still today, I'm not sure how I feel or what to think about all of this.

We mutually agreed to remain separated while we each figure things out. Whether it takes two months, four months, or longer I don't know. We've agreed to take things one day at a time though, and we've agreed on one "date" night a week/weekend. I put that in quotations because those are the nights that we will sit down to talk about how we're feeling, and the direction we're headed. Just to assess where our minds, and feelings are at. This past weekend was our first "date night", and for the first time in what feels like a really long time we were able to talk like civilized people. The discussion never got heated, we each took turns expressing ourselves, and I felt like this was a pretty momentous thing for us. Not just as a couple, but as two individual people. I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy our time together that evening. It had been forever since we had last had a dinner together and not only talked about the hard stuff, but the daily stuff as well. It felt pretty new again, and I wasn't sure whether that's a good thing or not. I'm conflicted about what these actions really mean, and it's something that I'm currently working through with my counselor. It was nice though, and I hope that things continue to progress in a good/healthy direction.

This in no way means that we will reconcile. We're both aware that in the end this might not work out. There are certain things that I refuse to budge on because they should not be apart of our lives in any way. I made it clear that there were deal breakers, and he also expressed his as well. But so far this has allowed us to communicate, to actively listen to each other, and to be expressive of the things we miss or don't miss about how our marriage was before. We do still have a lot of love for each other, and that's not something that just goes away. Still, regardless of whether we work things out or agree to part ways we want to be amicable about it. I hope that things change, that we get better, stronger. You all know that was my hope from the very beginning. To overcome and be better people for it. But there's no guarantee that this will be the outcome. For now, we're trying. And that's really all I had asked for; to try.

 

Struggle

"It's not the end of the world. It's not the end of the world. It's not the end of the world. YOU will be okay. A little bit broken, but okay. Things will get better. The pain will fade. You will be okay. It's not the end of the world."

Every day is a struggle. A struggle to get up, a struggle to get dressed, and a struggle to want to do anything besides hide underneath the covers. I wake up, and for a moment I think that everything is a bad dream. Then I look around and realize I'm not at our house. Our clothes are still stacked in baskets next to the bed, and Emery is sleeping next to me, with no one else on my other side. And then, I move. I sit up. I let the reality hit me again. And everything starts to hurt. I move. Because there isn't much else I can do. The world doesn't stop turning just because my husband no longer loves me. Life doesn't hit the pause button so I can grieve.

It's been hard for me to adjust to not being with him anymore. Monday, after I got out of school I found myself selecting his number, and right before I dialed it I almost dropped the phone in shock. I was about to call him to see if he wanted me to pick up some food from town, which was what I always did after class. And earlier that day I had been pulled into a meeting at work, questioned about my attitude/emotions in regards to recent events, and the first thought that came to mind was "I need to talk to Beau when I get home." They're reactions. Motions I automatically did every day. Like when I roll over in bed and feel for him, but he's not there. And all of these things hurt so bad. What makes it even more painful is that he's not even phased by this. He's living it up, talking to other women, and partying. I'm here broken into pieces and it feels like I'm never going to fit back together quite like I used to.

But I have my daughter to think about. I have to keep moving. I have to keep going forward. One foot after the other. Slide on the jeans, pull the shirt over. Walk. Find my shoes. Brush my teeth. Move. Take care of little. Fix her lunch. Tie her shoes. Pack her bag. Go. Life has to keep going. My daughter can't put her life on pause just because her daddy no longer loves her mommy. She's five. Right now it's all about her friends, and sight words. It's about playing at the park, practicing her cart wheels, and "Friday Funday's". Though she knows things are different, and that we're apart she's too young to realize the extent of everything. When she catches me crying I get her sympathy in the form of hugs and words: "Mommy, don't be sad. It'll be okay." or "Mommy, I LOVE YOU. Okay? Okay. Don't cry." And so I dry my tears, and I move. I can't just stop living. The world won't let me. Life won't let me. So all I can do is keep my head down. Take one step after another. Breathe. And keep going.

"It's not the end of the world. It's not the end of the world. You will be okay, A little bit broken, but okay. The pain will fade. And you will be okay."

This post was written on November 2 & 3, 2015.

Day by Day

My previous post was a hard one for me to publish. It's almost like withholding it made my reality not so real just yet. I didn't want it to be real. Maybe, just maybe if I waited long enough I'd have a different outcome to write about. We'd take it all back, and finally realize that there was hope for fixing us. I've read it, reread it. Over and over again. My husband and I have had more words since then too. Some nice, some not so nice. I've had some new information hurled at me like a ton of bricks, and to say it was devastating would be the understatement of the year. And even through that I begged. Embarrassingly, for him to realize what a mistake this was. For him to think this through, and to realize what his choices were causing for us as a couple and a family. But it all fell on deaf ears. He still wanted to end our relationship for good. No trying, no compromising, no counseling. Just done.

Okay. I'll give him what he wants. A few nights ago my mother asked me as I sobbed into the comforter, "What are you going to do now?" Well, there's nothing I can do. There is no point in trying to fight for a marriage when one of the parties involved has blatantly stated that they cannot stand your presence any longer. That the sight of you disgusts them. There's nothing to do when that person says that they are out for the count because they refuse to get better. There's nothing else to do when that person says that they'd rather continue to spiral downward than seek help. That I'm not worth getting better for. And that realization hit me in the gut so hard last week when we agreed to meet at our home to discuss things a bit further. Even as I stood in front of him and asked him to reconsider, to think about the consequences because there were so many if he continued down this path. If he took things further there would be nothing left to salvage, and my trust would be gone. And he walked away. So, this is it.

Last Monday I came across this link and I've found myself turning to it almost daily. I read, and reread every single one of those pieces of advice, and then I take a deep breath. I also read this post by Shannon over at Awash with Wonder which has given me some hope at recovery. Of closure. Of one day being able to breath again without that hitch that comes from the pain I'm currently feeling.

Right now I'm just taking it day by day with very little planning in regards to the immediate future. Yesterday we finally had access to our home again. The cleaning process began, and probably won't be completed for a few more days. I'm not exactly sure when we'll go back though. Yesterday was extremely hard for me. Pictures everywhere, and memories in every corner. Some good, some bad. But they were of us. And it hurt like hell just to step back into the house. Sometime soon the locks will have to be changed. Our bank accounts closed. And then...

Two Weeks

It's been two weeks of silence on my part. I've written and rewritten this. I've read and reread it. Things have settled down enough for me to go ahead and get things off my chest and I intend to do just that. But I'm also really terrified of putting everything about this out there. Mainly because it involves my husband, and even though he knows I have a blog he's never looked at it. So I'm not entirely too sure about how he feels about me discussing this openly. I know I can always take it down, but I felt like I needed to write this down. For me, just as much as for you. So here goes:

My husband and I spent a week apart to think about where we want our relationship to go. He stayed at our house and I spent it over at my parents. Some people are probably asking "Why?" or "A week? That's it? That's hardly a separation." But the week was supposed to be some what of a "preview". There was no contact between the two of us, and he only called when he wanted to talk with Emery. We had a week to decide whether we wanted more time apart to think things over, in which case we'd come together to make arrangements for a longer separation. But my main concern was our daughter. I didn't want Emery feeling displaced or uncomfortable about not being at her house, in her regular environment, and that's the reason for the one week time frame.

Now comes the "Why?" And let me just say that I never in my entire life knew such a little word could be so loaded. There are a lot of things that I want to change that he doesn't want. There are a lot of things that he wants to hold on to that I really need completely out of my life. We both have our demons, and for lack of better words, sometimes those fuckers won't let go. No matter how hard you kick, scream, and beg for them to. A lot of times I was left with my heart in my hands, wondering how the hell I got here? How did our lives take this turn? And a lot of the time I was left feeling torn in two. Knowing what the "healthy" and "society friendly" decision should be verses the "till death do us part" vows I took. There were days when everything was okay, we had compromised, and we felt like we were finally moving forward in our lives. But they were quickly overshadowed by the arguments, the fighting, the accusations, and overall stress of our current situation. It literally felt like the minute we were doing well, and making progress something would come along to knock us back down. For me it has been such a  vicious, draining, cycle and I'm just so tired of it.

After a week of separation, Emery started to ask why we weren't going home. She would cry because her dad wasn't there at night, and she'd ask if he was coming to see us. Then, I cried after she'd fall asleep because despite all of the encouragement, and support I felt completely alone, confused, and sad. I felt like my world was dissolving and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. After the week, still with no clear resolution or decision, we headed back home. I was ready to sleep in my own bed, to have my things, and to be back into what was familiar. But with no real decision, all I could do was say my peace. I know what I want and what I don't. I spent a lot of time explaining myself, and my reasons. I don't want my husband to think that I don't love him, because I do. More than anyone can imagine. And that's probably why this is all so incredibly hard. But it's time for us to grow up. It's time for us to do what's best for us as a family and not what's best for us as individuals. We can't be a family like that. And I know that we can do better, be better, but it will come at a price. One that I'm completely willing to pay to take the necessary steps to move forward. But I can't do it alone. So it's up to him on whether or not we do this together.

I know I said I would give you details, but I honestly can't. It would take entirely too long, and I feel that the exact details of what happened/ are happening should be kept private. I wish I could say that this story ends up having a happy ending, but I just don't know. If you want to know who initiated this separation, I would say it was me. If you asked who set it off, I would say it was him. But don't think that this was just something that happened over night. It's been building for over a year. And we've had problems since before that. I've tried everything I can think of besides a counselor to figure out what to do. We've talked, and we've argued before. But when I said, changes needed to be made, I was serious. Because at the current rate, we wouldn't last another year before the hate and resentment would start to grow and that's not where I want my marriage heading.

For now we are under the same roof, being the best parents we can be. I've placed a new rule about discussing us only after Emery's asleep. I can say that we've decided to give our marriage a fighting chance, but we are taking things slow. I don't want to go back to pretending everything is all "sunshine and rainbows" when it clearly isn't. Avoiding the issues won't make them go away and there are certain things that need to happen before we can really move forward. There may or may not be a longer separation in the future. I honestly have no idea. We might need to finally see a marriage counselor or even seek individual counseling. Who knows? But, whatever happens we've decided that all of the next steps will be taken together and only after we're absolutely certain of them.

Fighting For It

This past weekend, was one that I DO NOT CARE TO REPEAT. I found out who some people really were. I found out exactly where I stand with my husband. I scolded/snapped at a friend. And I threatened a girls life. Sunday afternoon was spent in utter rage. It was spent wanting to strangle someone. Sunday afternoon was spent talking about separation, divorce, or working through issues. Which would be best? Did we care enough to even try to work this out? Would either of us really work on our issues?

I gave up. I deserve to be important. I deserve to be a priority. I deserve to have some help. I deserve respect. I deserve it. I refuse to continue to settle for anything less than that. You want to trust again, you earn it. You say you love someone, prove it. You want to spend time with friends, spend time with your wife. You want to make music, teach your child. There is no shame in outgrowing people. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH FAMILY.

I was convinced to give it another go. To hash things out, and work through it. But in my head, I couldn’t help but wonder if this would ever end? Will these fights ever stop? Will we ever truly get passed this? Will I ever matter? Or will we continue to dance in these circles? Will I continue to let myself get talked into not walking out? And so before Sunday night started this came out of my mouth:

“If this doesn’t work. If things don’t change. My next step will be separation, and there won’t be a warning.”

I do not want my marriage to fail. I truly love my husband. I can’t ever picture my life without him in it. But that doesn’t mean that it couldn’t happen. That doesn't mean that one day he could just stop loving. One day I could have enough. One day?

But today is not that day. Today, we continue to hold hands and fight to keep this marriage going. And it’s not just because of our daughter. We’ve talked about how this can not be just for her. Having two unhappy parents would not make things better. We are doing this because we truly do care for each other. Sometimes, we just get a little sidetracked. Sometimes we let ourselves get caught up in being selfish. Sometimes, we have to remind ourselves to get back to where we started. Fall in love all over again. Find those reasons, say those extra “I love you's”. Show that appreciation, find time for each other. They always say the first years are the hardest. But, I truly believe that if this is going to work, if we are going to make it, we have to keep fighting for it. We have to keep learning from each other. We have to keep loving.

♥