Needing Some Peace

Today, I kind of just wanted to sit down in my room and write whatever comes to mind. See what comes pouring out. Where my thoughts take me. Though, I’m afraid it won’t be all that cheerful. At least, the details won’t be. Still, it’s a part of our story. My story. And well, here goes.

Recently, I discovered a few troubling things in regards to Beau. To say that they infuriated me would be an understatement. I felt like going into his “studio” (partial room in my home), and ripping everything apart. I wanted to pack everything up in boxes and scrub the walls of anything having to do with him. I wanted to yell, “WHY THE FUCK DO YOU KEEP DOING THIS?! Is this really how you’re choosing to repay my kindness?!” I wanted to shake him so hard that I could hear his teeth rattle. But I also wanted to be wrong. I wanted it to be paranoia on my part. For there to be some reasonable explanation. I wanted to be able to hug him and say, “I’m sorry I doubted you. Thank you for proving me wrong.”

Up until this point, I would say that I have been very kind, and amicable. I have been more than tolerable and accommodating. I have helped him when he’s asked for it, and I haven’t asked for anything in return. Because I do not want him to fail. God, how I want him to thrive. I want him to be at peace. I want him to be a great father. To find love that makes him so fucking happy. I truly want so much good for him because after everything he was put through he deserves to have a wonderful life. In November, I recall standing in front of him saying, “I love you. I love you so damn much. But I’m not good for you. I enable you & I bring out some of the worst behavior. I have let so many things slide for too many years which you’ve never been held accountable for so you think it’s okay. But it’s not. And I want you to want to be a better person for your daughter. For yourself. I want you to be happy. And if that means taking myself out of the picture then I love you enough to do it.”

So, instead of doing all of those things I stated above I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. I decided to push back what I felt, and what my gut was telling me in order to trust that if there was anything that I needed to be informed of he would tell me. But a day later I was proven wrong in making that decision, and I felt such disappointment. But most of all I felt this overwhelming sadness for him. Since that day, I’d say that I’ve felt myself close off from him completely. I’ve asked that he speed up the process of moving out too. Because not only is he putting my daughter and I at risk, but he’s also being extremely disrespectful towards me. And he’s very much a trigger for my mental health issues. The anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and anger. A lot of it starts to come at me a lot harder when he’s around. When we’re both in the house I’m always tense, anxious, or worried. There’s always some kind of drama or waves of anger. Not always about us or towards me, but it’s felt. There’s always something going wrong or yelling. There are days when hateful words are being shouted, and cabinets are being slammed. I’m constantly having to pause before entering my own house to take a deep breath and brace myself for who I’ll find inside. Will it be the calm person? The happy person? The angry man wanting to lash out? And y’all, it’s exhausting. I’d say about 40% of these things are aimed at me while the other 60% are aimed at other people in his life. But regardless, I have to be there to deal with it. And, I’m tired.

What really opened my eyes was when he spent the weekend with some friends out of town. I could feel the whole house change in his absence. We woke up early, we cleaned, and all of the curtains were open. There was light in all of the rooms, and my house didn’t smell of cigarettes. There was no yelling or cursing. Instead, there was singing, dancing, and laughter. There was this calm that fell over us and it was so nice. The first full day that he was back we started talking about finances, and that quickly led to an argument. Our daughter came into the room screaming, “ENOUGH! STOP IT! STOP FIGHTING!” We both stopped talking, and he turned around to tell her to hush because sometimes this was just how life was. I stood there looking at him, stunned, as our little girl ran into the living room in tears. When I followed to console her she said: “Why can’t you and dad go one day without fighting?” And she’s right. A bit exaggerated, but we have been arguing a lot more lately. As I sat there hugging her I knew that our living situation was just not working anymore. The time had arrived for us to set a plan in motion and have dates set for when he would be moving out. I sat with Emery and told her that in this case, her father was wrong. This is NOT how life is supposed to be. And she deserved better from us. So, I promised her that I’d do my part to smooth things over until we had a plan. I told her that soon we’d have some calm in our home, and things would get better. And that’s what I’m hoping for. What I’m working towards. I truly feel like it's time for us to finally close the door on this part of our lives. For us to go our separate ways and start our new journeys. I feel like we all need this right now. And if I have to be the one to step up and demand it, I will. Because we all deserve some peace. 

What's Next For Us?

Well, that's a pretty loaded question if I'm being honest. It’s been a little over two weeks since everything changed for us. It’s still a really weird feeling to know that I’m divorced- I don’t even like to say it out loud. Since last week’s posts things have calmed down, and we’ve managed to smooth over a lot. By the end of this month Beau will be out of state for work if everything goes accordingly so we’re trying to come up with a good game plan and schedule together. We’ve talked more about our future living arrangements. And last week it was officially decided that Emery and I would stay in our current home while Beau was on the road. Since he’ll only be coming down once a month he can stay in Emery’s room, and be able to spend time with her. This will also give him some time to save in order to get his own place when he’s back permanently. Originally, I had planned to move out. Which, I’ll be honest, was a hard decision but one I was willing to follow through with because I have family that will help me out by giving me a place to stay until I get on my feet. Where Beau does not. Our rent is really affordable and he knew that he could swing that with his single income. Plus he’d have the extra room for when Emery went to stay with him. And that was one of the main reasons why I was okay with being the one to move. However, after talking it over some more we realized that this was a better decision in the long run and less disruptive for Emery. So, we ended up contacting our current landlord and asked that they keep Beau in mind if anything of theirs becomes available in February or March. Within the same price range as what we currently have. They agreed to contact us first if anything opens up.

Now, my daughter has been at the forefront of my mind for all of my decisions. She's the main reason for why I'm keeping my head up, and looking at things from a place of love rather than anger. Keeping things civil. Keeping things honest. Keeping things positive. When I first said that this was the end of the line for me in our relationship Beau said, “This isn’t right. She deserves to have two parents under one roof with her.” And he’s right. Ideally, that would have been the preferable outcome. She does deserve to have two parents under one roof. Parents that get along. Parents that have their shit together. Parents who can have disagreements without yelling or name calling. Parents who show respect for one another. But then I recalled a conversation she and I had on our way to school one morning where she said, “Mommy, I don’t ever want to get married.” When I asked her why she had such a strong opinion against marriage she responded with, “Because that just means a lot of fighting and arguing like you and daddy. And no one is ever happy.” When I told Beau about this he sighed heavily before letting out an “Okay”. I’d like to think that something clicked for him that night. That he realized what our relationship looked like to our daughter. A bad one. And that he knew it was better for us to get along, and be separate than to continue on for the sake of being able to say she had two parents under one roof. 

So, on December 1st, I officially sat down with Emery to let her know what was going on. I expressed how much we both love her. “Oh, I know mommy.” I told her about us discussing living arrangements, and that we’d let her know as soon as we made a decision. “You mean I’ll get to live in two different houses? That’s kind of cool. Can I decorate however I want?” And then we both let her know that she could talk to us about anything. That each of us were always going to be available to her. “I know. I get it. Everything is going to be okay mommy.” We went over a few other things about feelings, and missing each other. She had a few questions and I did my best to answer them. The whole thing ended in a lot of hugs, kisses, and “I love you’s”. So now that everything has officially been decided I’ve been doing a lot of cleaning, and donating items I don’t need anymore. Clothes, shoes, books. Emery was just excited that she didn’t have to pack up ALL of her things just yet. “When daddy gets a house I only have to pack half of my stuff? Sweet!”, she exclaimed when I informed her of what we were doing. I feel like this is just another adventure for her. When I asked how she felt about one day having two homes she said that she was fine with it. That she knew other kids who had divorced parents so it wasn’t going to be weird. And even though this is not something I ever wanted her to experience I’m relieved that she’s handling things so well. Especially for her age. In fact, I’m pretty sure she’s handling this a lot better than I am. Kids, right?

For now we’re just trying to go about life as normal as possible. We still do a lot of things together as a family. I know some would argue that this can be confusing for our daughter, but we've been very clear about what is happening. I even took Beau as my plus one to the company Christmas party. We had decided on it a few months ago, and we actually had a good time. Our Christmas Day and New Years plans are still the same too. We've always split the day between our families and have no interest in changing that up. However, the dynamic in our relationship has noticeably shifted. Speaking for me anyway. The sadness is still there, but it’s also mixed in with some hope. Hope for a calmer future. For a co-parenting relationship that sets a good example. Hope that our daughter won’t need over a year's worth of therapy to overcome the negative outlook she has on marriage because of us. Ha! Too soon? All jokes aside, Beau is someone that I love and care deeply about. And this was not how I wanted things to turn out for us. But since they have I want us to be able to move forward in life in an amicable and loving way. No more anger. So here we go, y’all. Onward and upward. New chapters and shit. 

And that's about as much as I’d like to disclose in regards to this part of my life. For now. Obviously things change all of the time, but Christmas is right around the corner and I want to spend it with my family. All of them.  I have one more week of work and then it will be ten whole days of getting to enjoy Christmas, family time, and ring in the New Year with the people I love most. I don't want to stress or think about all of the changes that are coming at us full force in the next few months. I just want to enjoy this time. Peace, love, and life-- you know? So, I really want to end 2018 in a good, happy, and positive way. And if you don’t mind, send us some good vibes or prayers as we start to navigate our new normal in life please? It'd be greatly appreciated. 💓

Divorce - Part Two

I love my husband. I want to be clear about that. One night, my sister-in-law told me that she couldn’t understand why I let him get away with everything, and allow him to treat me so badly. I sat with her and tried my best to explain the “why” behind my love for him. It’s because deep down I know he’s a good person. I know he's a great father. I know he loves our daughter. I know that a lot of the pain and trauma he experienced growing up has a lot to do with how he handles things. How he treats and talks to people. And even with all of the negative I wrote about in part one, there was still A LOT of wonderful moments that happened this year too. We shared a lot of laughs. We celebrated birthdays. We got through a surgery, and at home physical therapy. We took a vacation in New Mexico. We spent evenings as a family playing board games and curled up on the couch watching movies. Afternoons at the park, and dinners at our favorite restaurants. There was love and intimacy. Moments where I sat back and thought, “THIS. This is what it’s all about.” We actually got along much better this year than we have in the past five years. It just wasn’t enough to dismiss everything else. I couldn’t keep making excuses for the behavior, and outburst that were clearly inexcusable.

But I will always love him. I will always want the very best for him. Even if it can’t be with me. I still plan to continue helping him out whenever I am able to because there is no hate or resentment in my heart for him. Despite how toxic we are as a couple, pushing each other’s buttons, we actually do really well with co-parenting. Having each other’s backs when our daughter starts to push her boundaries. We do really well when it comes to everything else, BUT our marriage it seems. We can joke around, and be in the same home without issue. We can talk about the past and the future without incident. However, there are things we need to work on. His temper, his anger, the way he lashes out, and his addiction issues. I’m not just talking drugs; he's currently clean and on probation. None of these are things that I can fix for him. No matter how much I wish that I could. He has to put in that work if he wants to change. And he needs to find what makes him whole, what gives him peace, and what makes him happy. I, on the other hand, need to stop being the crutch, and the fixer of everything. The one who enables his behavior. I need to stop being so controlling and learn how to fully let go of the past. I need to learn how to admit when I’m wrong too. To speak up in the moment rather than letting it fester. Ignoring all of the problems has only gotten us a toxic relationship. For so long I allowed all of the burdens to fall on me because I wanted to make things easy for him. To protect him and give him what he never had growing up: unconditional love. And that did way more harm than good. It didn’t allow him to grow or be responsible for his actions. Then there were all of the things that we left unsaid, or refused to address. The grudges that we held onto just ended up turning us into people that couldn’t get along. A broken family that was trying to force itself into something that didn’t fit anymore. And I know that my daughter deserves so much better than that. I deserve better than that. He deserves better than that.

The night before our divorce was to be finalized through the court I put our daughter to bed, and we talked. We spoke about the good memories. We talked about the reasons why our marriage had failed. Each of us taking responsibility for the areas that we were at fault for. We laid everything out. There were apologies, tears, expressed regret, smiles, and laughs. We talked about our daughter and wanting the best for her. We talked about the reasons why we never had another child. I spoke about how much love I still had for him, but that I needed him to understand why we weren't working anymore. We talked about wanting to continue being a family even if it was going to look a little different from now on. He will always be Emery's father, and I will always want him in her life. We talked about future living arrangements that would need to be made sooner rather than later. We talked about being each other’s biggest supporters, and wanting the best for each other. We both admitted that there were a lot of things that we each needed to work on individually, but we made a promise to always put our daughter’s well-being first. To get along for her sake no matter what the future held for us. We spent over an hour in conversation, and it ended with “I love you’s”. When I finally went to sleep that night I felt at peace about our situation.

On November 28th, I walked into the courtroom a ball of nerves and knots inside of my stomach. I sat there quietly as the docket was read. My lawyer explained that there would be a series of questions, and then the judge would sign off on our paperwork. When my turn came I focused solely on my lawyer as I answered what was being asked. Any chance of reconciliation? No. Was I pregnant? No. Did I understand what I was asking the court? Yes. Did we agree on the division of assets? Yes. And after five more minutes of questioning the judge re-read the decree before stamping the document. And that was it. Ten years of marriage had officially come to an end. It felt surreal and sad. I walked out of the building as quickly as I could. I was now an ex-wife. A divorcee. And I felt like throwing up on the sidewalk outside of the courthouse. But I didn’t. Instead, I went to work. I stayed positive and finished my day on a good note. I loved on my daughter, and we all sat down to watch a Hallmark movie together. We cooked dinner and talked about each of our day's. The upcoming dance and recital, that both he and I were making sure to have marked on our phone calendars. Both so excited, and proud of our little girl.  

I pushed every little emotion down until the very end of our day. Moving through the motions. After Emery was asleep and my now ex-husband was sitting in the computer room doing some work I closed myself off in the bathroom. In the shower is where I finally let myself cry. I sat down, arms wrapped around my legs, and I felt a numbness spread across my chest. Overwhelming sadness. Because even though I knew we were doing the right thing it didn’t make it any easier. Just the thought of us going our separate ways soon is enough to make me catch my breath. Living in separate houses. Having separate lives. That was a much harder pill to swallow than I thought it would be. In fact, I’m still trying to processes it. Why, you may ask? I don't think there's one single answer. Maybe it was the twelve years together? Ten of those married. Maybe it’s because I honest to God never pictured this outcome coming to fruition? I really thought we would overcome all of this. Maybe it’s because of all we’ve gone through together? The good and the bad. Or maybe it’s because no matter what he will always be the punk rock loving, emo drummer boy with the beautiful eyes and playful smirk that I fell in love with all of those years ago? The guy who swept me off of my feet, and led me away to California. Who showed me that there was something else beyond my tiny little town. Adventures, friendships, and love so intense that it hurt to be apart. And having to let him go was not something I was prepared for. I still don't feel ready. But are we ever? 

Divorce - Part One

As some of you may know, in October of last year, I filed for a divorce. It was by far one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made. When the petition was filed there was a section that stated that neither I nor my husband could talk about each other on any kind of public platform while everything was pending. We both signed off on it and went about our lives. Then, that following November, he was arrested. I believe that’s the last I talked about him on here. And what I originally thought was going to be a pretty quick divorce turned into over a year of waiting. Which I was told was due to us being amicable. Since there was no fighting, no restraining orders, or disagreements on child custody our divorce wasn’t seen as needing to be rushed. And well, a lot has happened since last October that I wasn’t allowed to talk about until now. 

My husband was released from jail right before New Years. He came home clean and sober. He was thinking clearer and told me that he didn’t blame me for filing for a divorce. However, he asked for the opportunity to show us that he wanted to be with us. As a family. The second week of January he got a job with a contractor and things were going really well. We were actually getting along, and the fighting had stopped. With his income, we were finally starting to put money aside, and our bills were getting paid on time. Before their due dates even. We had a conversation about following through with the divorce, but that it was just a piece of paper. If we were really committed to giving things another shot a piece of paper was not going to interfere with that decision. I was really hopeful for what this next year was going to bring, and I couldn’t wait for this next chapter.

On our daughter’s birthday, we celebrated at a trampoline/gymnastics gym. As the majority of the guests arrived several of the adults decided to try out one of the bigger trampolines. As I went around greeting everyone I heard someone say, “Oh my God!”. Several of the kids scrambled off of the big trampoline, and one of my husband’s aunt’s said “It’s his foot. He broke his foot.” After an emergency visit, and a week in a cast he was prepped for surgery. The damage was so severe that he would have to have a plate and several screws put into his foot. Of course, it was an accident, and I did not blame him for it. It could have easily been one of the kids or another adult. However, with the cost of the emergency room, the surgery, and the doctor’s visits our small savings was depleted rather quickly. Not to mention recovery could take up to eight months. It was back to a single income, and budgeting every little penny. And that's when things got difficult again. 

It was during those next eight months that things started to gradually slide backward. First, it was locking his phone. Then it was messages in the middle of the night. Old friends started to show back up. Which was followed by my daughter asking me if her father had a girlfriend. We spoke about it, and everything was denied. Things settled down. We had some nights out as a family. He was at home with our daughter and they were bonding. We all spent a lot of time together. But that peace only lasted briefly. By July there were hundreds of text messages to a particular number that I recognized. There were several messages on Facebook. Yes, I invaded his privacy by logging into his account. And then there were pictures. I remember that I got angry, and I felt humiliated. But as I sat there one particular morning, his phone in my hand as he slept, all I could feel was defeat. So, I let it go. I was depressed, and my anxiety was becoming more prominent in my day-to-day. Paired with low self-esteem, and this need to keep everything together. Us together. I let it go. I sat the phone back down and went about my day.

In August, when I asked about a particular text message that I saw pop up on his screen I was told, “What does it matter? You’re not my wife anymore.” Then the following week we vacationed in New Mexico with my family, together. We came back and things felt different for a little while. I was starting to feel that mental fog by this point though. I was struggling to keep things afloat financially, and I started to distance myself from him. From everyone really. I found drug paraphernalia in the car. Then one morning in my home. I smashed it all to pieces and left a note. I blamed myself for his actions though. I wasn’t a good wife. I wasn’t understanding enough. I didn’t do my part to make him happy. I didn’t give my all to him. I nagged too much. I was too distant with him. I was too controlling. I believed that I deserved everything that was happening because I wasn’t good enough. 

September equaled more of the same problems. It also brought with it an argument where things got a bit physical. Before you start feeling bad for me just know there was a time when I'd get physical too. Though never in front of our daughter, AND it's been years. Doesn't excuse ANYTHING though. I got help for my anger. But on that morning I remember looking out of the corner of my eye as profanities were being spat in my face, hands on me, and seeing my daughter quietly tiptoe backward out of the room. This look of sadness and fear on her face. And something inside of me cracked that morning. I kept telling myself that this was all wrong. This was not what I wanted my daughter to think of as being normal. But instead of standing up I became docile. I dismissed his behavior just like that. I let the words bounce off of me anytime they were thrown in my direction. When things were said, or an argument began I just put a smile on for my daughter and we’d leave the house. “I’m not putting up with this.” I’d say as I’d walk out the door. But clearly, I was. By this time everything was starting to become too much for me emotionally. All of my coping techniques were no longer working. My depression had me not wanting to move most days. I’d force myself, and walk through the motions. I had responsibilities after all. But I honestly felt like a shell. And then in October, my husband was finally told he could go back to work. He was able to go back with the same contractor as before, and at the beginning of November, he was placed on probation as part of a plea deal. In my mind, this meant that things had to get better. For him. For us. My hope was that he’d get back to that clear-headed state he was in when he first got out of jail. That was the man I needed in my life. That was the man I wanted.

At this same time, I decided to make an appointment with my doctor. On top of all the turmoil at home, I was having minor health issues. I wanted to feel better, and the only way for that process to start was to get everything checked out. So, I did. And as I stated in a previous post I felt better within a week. By Thanksgiving break, I felt like my brain was working the way it had before. I was standing my ground. I felt clear headed. I was putting more energy into the people and things I felt were important to me. Things were starting to click, and it’s as if a veil was being lifted off of my eyes. Sometimes, it would feel as if I was sitting back watching something unfold and thinking, “Wow...has this really been going on this whole time? Is this what it’s been like?” My eyes felt wide open for the first time in what felt like years. Then shortly after Thanksgiving, there was another argument. Only this time it was different because I was different. And as soon as the words, “You dumb bitch,” tumbled out of his mouth as he tried to prove a point I knew that I was done. I was done being the verbal punching bag. I was done being told that I was the reason for his misery. I was done being told that his actions were all my fault. That if I just did what he wanted everything would be okay. I was done being an afterthought. I was done being lied to. I was done being disrespected. That night, as I walked into Walmart to request some moving boxes, I felt this sense of freedom. Not necessarily because of my decision, but because it felt like I was finally taking back control. Of me. Of my life. Of my future.

Wordless(ish) Wednesday

This picture is a little over a year old. My skin is worse now, and he's lost a good amount of weight. But this night was a good one. And I miss these days.

A Few Things I Want To Address

Okay, so this month is going to be all kinds of mixed up. I normally have the "scheduled" posts for the month ready a few weeks in advance, and the book reviews are normally already written up within the same time frame. Here we are already into the second full week of the month and as of right now the "currently" post hasn't even met it's first outline. And I haven't even finished the book for July either. So, I'll leave both of those to be published towards the end of the month. Fingers crossed that I can get them done by then. I also have one more product review that I'd like to get posted, but I'm not forcing that one. If I have to wait until August, I will. I'm completely out of my comfort zone guys, and I feel like this month is just a lot more chaotic than I had hoped. I've tried to establish a schedule, and I have this weird thing about consistent patterns that I liked to stick to when posting. All of that went out the window for July though! Yup, I dropped the ball. That'll teach you to trust me when I say "I'm hoping to be more consistent, and bring more content" doesn't it? 

Last week when I wrote this particular post I was babysitting a Dos XX bottle as I typed it up. I was feeling this sense of "I don't give a fuck, bring it" to whatever had been bothering me that day. I was tired, agitated, and my anxiety was kicking my ass. So, I had myself a beer. And it helped with turning my thoughts of anger into this hazy ball of mush that I could address on another day. So, here we go. Another day. I finally decided that I wanted to go back to school, sooner rather than later. Since Tarleton screwed me over I can't resume classes there until what I "owe them" is repaid. I was able to get my government loans deferred until the end of the year so I'm saving money right now to be put towards that large ass sum. In the meantime I'm going to try and attend the previous college I received my Associates from. I want to take a few catch up classes, and take as many courses as I'm allowed before having to transfer over to the university again. I plan on stopping by their office, and speaking to an adviser before the end of July to get that in order. 

Next up, marriage. Mine is a huge mess about 30% of the time these days. And I won't lie to any of you: the majority of it has to do with addiction, mental health issues, & a big ass dose of denial. We've been down this road before y'all, and I was told that it would be something we'd have to battle or deal with for the rest of our lives. Some years will be better than others, but I have to either be in it for the long haul or remove myself in order to not make things worse. Now, I know some people don't believe these are valid excuses, and they think that we should all just "man up". But just know that I'm doing my best to figure out what we need to do as a family right now. It's not easy to go through this, and to have these issues within a relationship. Even worse when it's a relationship that's created a family. I know there's a lot of bad that's happened, and people have definitely questioned my sanity. Some of the stuff that was said, that I was put through, or that I found out about are still very much on my mind. But like I've stated before I feel like I'm doing my best to be supportive, and helpful. My family always comes first, and that includes my marriage. Regardless of the state that it's in. However, in order to not bring on so much confusion and to focus more on our families recovery, I'm going to limit how much/how often I post in regards to my marriage. I don't want to sound like a broken record, and I just feel like this is something we need to take on privately from here on out. Of course I'll update from time to time, but it won't be in the same way I had before. 

And finally, I've been doing some soul searching in regards to what/who I want to be when I grow up. I've started to write down some goals, and really stepped back to see what's been causing me a lot of anxiety/stress at work. I've noticed that there's some unhappiness in other areas of my life that left me feeling very unfulfilled, and drained by the end of my workday. I've known for awhile that I wanted to graduate with a specific degree and I'm still aiming for it, but what then? What happens when/if I achieve that goal? Do I want to stay where I'm at or do I want to explore other options? Are there even any other options for me? I know people talk about the things that they want to do, and what makes them happy in their careers but I've never really truly taken a closer look into mine. I live paycheck to paycheck, and it's never been about anything else for me. I do my time at an 8-5 job because I must. So, what happens if I were to be offered something else? What would I do if I were able to have enough stability to decided what I wanted to do in the future? Would it be the same, or would things change? I'll tell you guys all about it in my next post so stay tuned. 

An Oops & A Little Chat

Recently, I was offered some products to review. I was also gifted a 3 month subscription to another product, and thought I should share my thoughts on both. So, the other day I took some pictures, and even a little video. I had all of these ready to upload, but then I decided I was going to clear out some of my phone storage because I'm anal and need everything organized in their own little folders. I started by removing duplicates, and then transferring several pictures onto my laptop. Only, when I went to move the product stuff over they were deleted rather than saved. Since these were being taken from my iPhone rather than my hard drive there was no way to restore them. So now I have to go and retake a bunch of pictures. Bleh. Until I get that up and going here are a few little updates for you guys. 

At the end of  May I became an aunt! It's a boy, and he is beautiful. Though I'm sure when he's grown up a bit he'll be all embarrassed that I called him beautiful. But you guys...he's so precious! And do you know what's even more precious? Seeing my baby brother holding his son. Carlos has always been a wonderful person. Sure he's as stubborn as an ass some times but he's also helpful, generous, and kind. My brother has always been the type of person who will do things for others without expecting anything in return. And that love that he has for his wife, y'all. It's unwavering, and unconditional. I don't think I've ever seen two people who work so well together, and put in the effort to keep a good relationship/marriage. I'm not saying they're perfect, or that they never have issues because that's unrealistic. What I'm saying is that they put in the work. You can tell when they bend for each other. When they compromise for each other. How they support each other. How they're a unit. It's truly, amazing to see them together, and I'm super proud of both of them. All of that said, I just know that they are going to be great parents! They are going to raise such a wonderful little man, and I'm just super stoked that I get to be his aunt. Unfortunately it's still a "no go" on pictures. Sorry guys, I tried. But I'm under strict orders. So, all I've got for you today is this one picture of a very sleep deprived brother looking down at his little bundle of joy. 

Moving along. A few days ago I saw a post online about a mother who dyed her daughter's (about 4-5 years old) hair. The little girl had light blonde hair, and the mom put in some semi permanent pink color to tint it. Now, I was all "Damn that looks cute." But then I started to read the comments, and there were a lot of people saying some really rude things. It ranged from this mom being a terrible mother, to the little girl not being old enough to do what she wants with her hair, and then it went all the way to someone asking for a Child Protective Service number in order to report her. Now, I'm not a cosmetologist so I can't really weigh in on the "harmful" stance of this topic. But I do have a young daughter that's always asking me if she can have some random color added to her hair. Unfortunately, my little one has dark hair so it's always been a no from me. This is because we'd have to bleach it, and I'd rather not. If she had lighter hair, I'd probably let her do the semi-permanent color that washes out without even thinking twice about it. That's just me though. Then there was someone who commented about not allowing their daughter to make any decisions in regards to her hair until she was 11 or 12 years old. Because "Kids shouldn't always get what they want."  I thought that was a bit extreme, but to each his own I guess. My daughter has always had long hair, and I absolutely love it. She's wanted blue hair, pink hair, and purple hair that I wish I could allow her to have. But for the most part I've always allowed her to decide the length, and style of her hair. So what was the whole point of this little chat you ask? Well...I let my daughter do a thing...

(fyi--her hair was passed her bum before)

That's all for now folks. These past few weeks have been busy. It was hard to keep any kind of real schedule. Thankfully, after this Saturday everything should be back to a normal routine. Fingers crossed anyway. 

We're Going to Be Okay

I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to put the last couple of days into words. I feel completely terrified as I write this. There are so many emotions that I'm feeling, and they change by the hour. And I honestly have no idea what tomorrow is going to bring. What I thought was going to happen, or at least how it started out originally, was completely misleading. That shift that I've talked about before finally happened, and it hasn't been an easy pill to swallow. In fact, I still feel very drained. Sure. But drained. I felt this urge to write about what's been going on because I needed to pour it out. However, I've written so many different versions over the past 48 hours that I wasn't sure which one I should post. I have the nice version, this version, the not so nice version, and the "I'm totally fine" version too. I actually scheduled one, drafted it, rescheduled it, and then drafted it again. It's as if putting this out there would make it real. This was actually happening. And to be honest with you I'm not sure how I'm going to handle this. Right now I just feel numb. So, here goes nothing. 

On Wednesday of last week I asked for a separation with the intention of getting a divorce. That sentence still feels really weird to think. Even more strange to say out loud. Which is why I could count the people I've told on one hand before publishing this post. I feel like I knew this was going to happen, and yet I didn't at the same time. It makes sense in one way, and yet feels so foreign in another. And to be honest I'm still pretty scared. Probably not for the reason you're thinking though. I'm completely heartbroken at the turn this has taken. I feel really damn lost, and even with all the clarity I thought I had I still have a crap ton of confusion circling through my heart. But I know I'm making the right decision. Before I came to it though I told myself that I needed to be completely certain. I had to make sure that I had done everything in my power to try making things work. I also told myself that I needed to make sure that all of the "reasons" weren't just in my head. That the unhappiness, and the uncertainty weren't just a side effect of nitpicking. Of trying to find a reason. Things had been stressful, and money has been super tight. I didn't want these feelings to be a by product of all that stress, and anxiety being built up. Sadly, at the beginning of last week I found out about some things that I'm not really ready to talk about yet, but they gave me the push I needed. 

It's safe to say that I finally felt that shift click into place. After finding out a few more things I just knew that I couldn't go through this again. It was time to stop this roller coaster, and get the fuck off. At first, I said he was welcomed to stay in our shared home until he could find his own place. I even offered to work over time, and take out some extra money in order for him to put down on an apartment. I wanted to work together on this because I love him. But then on Saturday, when I woke up to a handful of other discoveries, I immediately took our daughter to my parents house. I called his family, demanded some answers (which I never got), and after a few hours I asked him to leave that same day. I wanted needed a divorce. Then I waited for him to pack up his things before handing over the car keys. He left with some really hurtful words, and not before breaking several things inside our home. Once he started backing out of the driveway I got into my vehicle, and I cried the entire time I drove away. I felt like everything inside was shattering, and I knew there was nothing else I could do. This was really...truly...the end. 

I'll dive into more of the specific at a later time. Right now, I'm still processing it myself. But I am determined to handled this better than our first separation. Back then I had no idea what I was going to do, or what had set everything off so suddenly. I spent a lot of time grieving, and I cried so much. I was handed shock after shock, and I allowed myself to get caught up in him. I was utterly devastated, and heartbroken in every possible way. Now, I'm not saying that I'm not feeling those same things now. I just feel stronger this time, or more sure of my capabilities. I'm not letting my emotions lead the way either. Instead I just try my best to get through each day as best as I can. I smile, and I go about everything normally. For my daughter as much as for myself. I refuse to crumble like I did before. Sure I've had my weak moments. Moments when I panic, and ask myself if I'm doing the right thing. Moments when I hurt so badly inside because this wasn't how we were supposed to end. We were supposed to get passed all of the bullshit, and grow old together. Moments when I tell myself that I'll regret breaking up my family. And I admit that I allow myself to give into those little moments by having myself a good cry. But then I tell myself that I'm doing what I need to do in order to protect my daughter. I'm doing the best thing that I can do in our situation, and that's what matters. So, we're going to be okay. No matter what happens next, we're going to be okay. We have an amazing support system. We have stability. And we're going to get through this.

Here's A Post From My Drafts

Today something clicked. Something snapped, almost like a rubber band that's being stretched out too far, and I felt so incredibly naive. I knew that everything going on was because of me, and not in the way that you're probably thinking. Still, I'm at fault for something. Something that has the potential to tip me over.  I'll write about it later. I'll post about it later. But I went through my drafts for some inspiration, or maybe just to read some words that I had started but never published. I came across this post from last month. For some reason or another I didn't hit publish. 

I remember exactly how I felt that day. I recall exactly what happened too. My confusion was at an all time high that day. My emotions were all over the place. I remember the adrenaline pumping through my body. The event that took place, should have been a wake up call for me, but it took only a few hours for me to dismiss it. I can say that once the day had passed I was closer to seeing that "line drawn in the sand" more clearly though. I was pretty close to understanding what I ended up realizing today, but obviously I just wasn't ready to push myself in order to get there. Today however I am so many things all at once. It all came crashing down. It was everything I felt on that day last month, and then some.

Something in my head clicked over today. It's caused me to question so much. It feels like I'm having a lot of thoughts, and emotions shoved inside of me, and then being told to figure out why they were all put there. I need to dissect the feelings that are associated with each of the questions I'm asking myself with an overwhelming amount of truth, and honesty because that's the ONLY way to get anywhere.  But the thoughts aren't in order. It's all really random right now. It's fresh, and raw. Jumbled. How I feel right now may change in the next second. So I can't write about that now. Not until I'm sure. Not until I know. So instead, I'm giving you this. A half finished post about wishing that I had no free will because that would make life easier, and at that very moment easy was what I needed. And today, in a really intense moment of anxiety, I kind of wished for the same. 

"How Are Things?"

A question I get asked a lot is: “How are things with you and your husband?” I know people mean well, and they’re curious to see how we are doing which I appreciate. I just end up feeling really uncomfortable being asked this for several reasons: 1) I’m not always sure what all I should really say because it changes daily; sometimes hourly. 2) I am not focused on our relationship right now. 3) I’m just as confused as everyone else is on how to go forward in whatever kind of relationship is best because I feel like I'm still really uncertain about my feelings. 4) I’m still trying to figure out how to best cope with what happened. Sure it’s been a few months now, but these emotions and feelings can take a while to sort through not to mention much longer to resolve. I’ve actually been told to my face that we needed to “hurry up and decide” because it makes things awkward for our family and friends. Because obviously our relationship is about everyone else, and their comfort is our main concern. (<--read that with heavy sarcasm) So, here’s my side, since that’s the only version I can give you. And just a heads up, this is long.

Have you ever read those quotes or memes on Facebook that go something along the lines of: “I love you so much, but sometimes I want to run you over with my car. LOL!” They’re all different, and sometimes we look at them while chuckling and thinking “Oh that’s so cute, because it’s so accurate to real life. Hahaha.” I’ll be the first to admit that I was one of those women who used to talk about how amazing it was that I could go from wanting to choke my husband one minute to not being able to keep my hands off of him the next. Because that’s love, right? We take the good and the bad. A relationship is two different people sharing a life, not one entity, so of course there would be disagreements. There would be times when you made mistakes, or did something that might irritate each other. This was a normal occurrence in marriages, but the important part was that at the end of the day there was still so much love between the two of you. Well, for me that’s not all there anymore. No matter how much I try to get that feeling back it's just not surfacing. The mistakes he made weren’t cute. They weren’t just a bump in the road that we could look back on and laugh. I wasn’t a saint either. Instead of talking things out or trying to get him some help sooner I grew angry. I grew so tired of feeling like the only grown up in the relationship that I stopped caring. I became distant soon after that, and I just shut down. I also allowed myself to be disrespected. I allowed the emotional and verbal abuse to reach a point that I have no idea if we’ll ever be able to fully recover from it. Instead of trying to work through things I would just counter his words with complaints. If he wanted to see a bitch well then I would show him just how big of a bitch I could be. There were several months that I recall where I couldn’t walk through my front door without having something to argue/complain about. The people he was talking to, the friends he had over, and the parties that were being thrown until 3am on nights we had to work. The household chores always ended up being left to me, he was doing a lot of drinking, and we were always short on money. I'll admit that we would have a few good months, but then the storm would start brewing again. Fast forward to today, and there are days when I think that everything will be okay. I feel like we try to tiptoe around each other, and it gives us this illusion that life can go on as if nothing happened. We’ll get through this I tell myself. We’ll get back to being the “us” from before everything went wrong. But then I ask myself if that’s even a good place for us to be? Isn’t that just moving backwards? Wasn’t I in a horrible state back then? Why would I want to allow our relationship to go back and reset to that point? Currently, all I can say with honesty is that I have days when I feel comfortable around him. I feel at peace for a few moments, and it's as if we picked up where things left off. We get along for awhile, and it feels like we're a family again. And then there are the days when I question whether I should even attempt reconciliation because things just feel so different. I feel different. WE feel different. The dynamic of our relationship is so so different. It feels like playing pretend sometimes. It feels...off?

Then when I say that I’m “not focused” on our relationship it doesn’t mean that I’m not working towards something. No need to rehash all of the details, but if you want to go over it there’s a lengthy post here. And it’s somewhat of a follow up, here. It’s safe to say that there’s a lot of hurt; especially on my end. I’m sure that he feels some of it too for his own reasons. The relationships he pursued gave him something that he felt I couldn’t give him so I'm sure that left a part of him feeling incomplete when he came back. And in all honesty, I’m not even sure if he was wrong in feeling that way in the first place. Maybe I can't give him what they did? Then there’s the issue of trust. At times I feel like there’s a huge mountain of distrust that just keeps getting wider. I don’t know how to close the gap, and often I wonder if I’m even meant to? What some people don’t realize is that the lack of trust in a relationship can cause it to crumble. You can’t just toss that pillar to the side because that leaves the rest of the foundation weak. So, it can affect the daily things that are talked about, communication in regards to how you really feel, intimacy, and even how you feel about yourself. Full disclosure: I feel that we both have tried to restore intimacy in our relationship. I know that I've tried to recreate what I felt from before; to ignite that passion again. I have tried my hardest to recall everything that brought us together. To look passed what had happened, and see that we were trying to be better. Which is what I had begged and prayed for. BUT it’s not the same. There’s something missing. And often my mind wanders to the other women. Anytime we try to be close as a couple I instantly think of them. The sting almost feels like I’m pouring salt on an open wound, and I have no idea how to make that stop. So, the solution with the help from my counselor was to not force anything. Take a step back. Work on my issues. Work on my life. I need to figure out who I am, what makes me happy, and learn about my needs. I need to learn how to love myself, and bring my self-confidence back up. Discover some form of independence for myself, and learn where I begin and end. Once I do that, I can approach our relationship/marriage issues. So, that’s why I’m focused on ME rather than US right now. Who am I? What do I like? What will I allow? What won't I allow? Am I doing things that make me happy? If not, why am I doing them?

With all of this written out it may seem negative. It may seem like I'm beating on a dead horse, or as if all the roads basically lead up to us getting a divorce. What you don't see is that THIS is just part of a great big process. I'm feeling the same way countless women before me have felt. I am feeling every bit of the betrayal, and heartache. I'm feeling my failure and shortcomings in regards to my marriage. The fallout. I may not seem like it when out in public, but I carry it with me everywhere I go. These days I meticulously go over every option. I constantly doubt my abilities, and I question absolutely everything. I'm hurting, and at times feel like just walking away. In some eyes, I would have EVERY right to do so. In others I'm doing the best thing by keeping my family together. But it will eventually be left up to how I feel once I'm done recovering. Once I've purged everything that I have inside, and I've gone through all of the stages. It will come down to how he feels once he's done recovering. Once he's sure of how he feels. I'm trying to be as open about where I stand emotionally when I feel really certain about how I feel. I want to have that open dialogue because I feel communication, no matter how hard, is key to heading in a good direction. A  mature, and loving one. Whether it's together or not. So, that's how things are for now.

It's Okay

Last Friday, I sat down with my mom and we went over my budget. I made more cuts. I looked into extra discounts on my insurance. And I'm waiting until I can pay my internet bill (it's passed due) before looking into getting it lowered, or last resort...turned off. I'm reverting back to the basics. I know last Thursday's post seemed rather dramatic. I was feeling so overwhelmed, and every little problem just seemed so much more bigger than I could handle at that time. But I wasn't exaggerating when I said that I've fallen behind. Being in such a crappy financial situation really leaves me insecure. It leaves me feeling really helpless, and my anxiety attacks start becoming an every day thing. It's sometimes makes me feel like I'm suffocating for hours before I can calm myself down. I really hate going through that. I really hate how controlling it can be, mentally. So, after the last attack I had on Wednesday I decided to just ask my mom to look over my finances with me in order to start getting back on track. I'm actually feeling pretty good about the plan we have in place.

I had a phone session with my counselor last week too. With all of the rain, and flooding going on I didn't want to chance getting stuck somewhere so we opted for a phone session. I didn't realize how much I needed it until he got on the line. Everything came out: my stress at work, issues with my finances, having to move my daughter's surgery, and the emotional roller coaster I had been riding on the past week. I voiced some concerns which I had been keeping to myself, and some of the feelings I had kept bottled up. Once it was all out there he helped get me back on track a bit. I was reminded of what I needed to be focused on, what was NOT to be my concern anymore, and what I needed to keep working towards. When I hung up I felt refocused, and determined. If any of you are struggling, or even just feeling a bit off I highly recommend talking to a counselor. Mental health is important, and sometimes it's great to have someone who can see things from a different perspective. So, I've come into this week looking forward. I feel like I've found my two words for this year, after looking back at everything over the passed few days. Respect and Forward. Only took me half of the year to "find" them and normally people just use one, but those two seem to pop up for me the most.

I had a bit of an emotional moment last week as well. I blame it on one of the side effects from having a monthly cycle. Everything was just extra...extra heightened. You know? Everything you feel or think is magnified by a thousand during that week. There were a few things that needed to be addressed, and even though things were left kind of open for more discussion I don't think my husband or I will be on the same page in regards to the topics we discussed. So, after everything was said and done I sat on my kitchen floor with a glass of wine, and let myself have a bit of a mopey cry. Not exactly sure what will happen next, because my situation is a little different, but we've talked about the possibility of seeing a lawyer again soon. That's not to say we've decided one thing or another. It's just something that we need to do in order to get more information. This is ALL new territory to me, to him, and I have no idea what we're doing. I have to keep telling myself that it's okay to not be sure. It's okay to not know what my next step is. It's okay to take things a day at a time. It's all okay.

Well...

I still haven't decided what I'll be doing with this blog in regards to direction, change, or deletion. I also know that in my last post I stated that I wanted to focus more on positive things, but life doesn't always work like that. So, I'm still undecided about the future of my little ocean. Until then, I guess you guys will have to deal with (or skip) whatever word vomit I let come out. And I'm apologizing in advance because this one is all over the place today.

Recently, my heart and mind have been going against each other. It's left me with a lot of confusion. A lot to think about, and even more to work through. I hate feeling like this. My counselor told me that in some ways I seem to be reverting back into how I was before. Not necessarily in a bad way, or wrong way...just that it's happening. We've decided on an "every other week" schedule so he can get a better "look" at what might be behind all of this. I left my last session feeling pretty optimistic though. And since then I've been doing a lot of thinking about what's ahead. 

There's a lot about commitment and love that some people don't get. One of the things that was said recently was "it's not cheating if you weren't together". I disagreed. Because to me, until the ink has dried on a stack of divorce papers, you are still married. You should still continue to have respect for your spouse because they are still your spouse. My husband did not do that. And a lot of people say things like, "Well it was the drugs, and alcohol." Others say things like "He wasn't in his right mind, he didn't know any better." However, there's something to be said about making those choices in the first place. There's something to be said about the disrespect towards me that was shown repeatedly. Shouldn't we all take responsibility for what we say and do? Isn't that the whole point? To take ownership of our actions. So why do some people get a pass? Why can some people hurt others, and it be completely dismissed? They become the victim, and you just become the bitter party that "can't let go and forgive." But why? When presented with the question "When everything is said and done, what do you want to come out of all of this?" These were just some of the things that I started to recall and think about. I started to question what kind of relationship I wanted. What kind of relationship I needed to have with myself, as well. And so far, everything has just been this jumbled mess of emotions that I'm slowly making my way through. My ideas of love and commitment are still just as strong as they were before. Only now, it seems that my trust in those two things coming from others has been slightly tainted.

Another issue from before that's fresh in my mind today is the name calling. Throughout this whole ordeal I was being told that I was horrible. That I was not wanted. That I was disgusting. That I was being called names because I was deserving of them. And when it came to others addressing me with those same terms, it was almost encouraged. Justified. And lately, I've been trying to understand why I ever allowed it. Why did I cower? Why did I take it all. My self respect, in the eyes of others, was always something that I held up high. It was something that older friends loved about me, and I was respected for. But when it came to him, I just let him treat me however he saw fit. I let it continue. I allowed my daughter to see it. I allowed my daughter to hear it. I allowed my self-respect to continuously be battered. I felt like I was deserving of it all. However, recently I started to look at my situation through the eyes of a parent. How would I feel if my baby girl allowed someone to speak to her, or treat her in the same manner? Would it ever be okay? Would I ever want her to grow up thinking that this is what love looked like?

No.

So why did I allow that to be my reality. Why did I allow myself to think that I was not worth more? I know that my husband has changed. I know that he's made some progress in certain areas. I know that he is trying in the only way he knows how. I know that he is not, nor will he ever be, perfect. I'm not either, and I don't claim to be. My issues are a mile long, and I'm barely addressing the beginning. But some food for thought was given to me recently, and it went along the lines of:

"Every addict, regardless of the addiction, does not get better after their first try. This is something that they will battle every day. And sometimes...the people around them, no matter how much they think they are helping, are only enabling them. We become a crutch for them, and this becomes the only reason why they tell us what we want to hear. Sometimes, we allow those habits to continue and we allow them to go back to old ways because we think that they're allowed to mess up. They're allowed to hurt us because of their disease. And so, the cycles continue until that person is truly ready to make the change. To let go. No matter how badly we want things to turn out a certain way for them because we love them, it's not up to us. It's up to them. Only then, will it get better."  

I know what my vows are. For better or worse. I took those. I meant them with everything inside of me. I stood by my husband, even during the affairs, ready to give things another try. My end goal was to keep my family together. EVEN when I was being told that I wasn't loved. That I wasn't wanted. What I always hoped for was to keep my family. To love this man, despite everything, because he was my person. And even though he didn't always realize it, I would always be there for him. But at what cost? Becoming a crutch. Am I enabling him by continuously allowing him to dismiss what he did? By making up excuses? By allowing myself to be treated horribly on the "bad days"? When do you say, "That's it...I can't do this anymore. I love you, but I can't do this anymore." At what point can you truly let go of the person you thought you would be with for the rest of your life because you were holding them back, and they were dragging you down? At what point?



 

To The Troll

My previous post was an update. When I spend a lot of time away from writing on this blog that's what I do. I take everything that has happened, and try to condense it into one summarized post. There are no dates, or actual timeline for those who read to actually know the minute or day that things happened. And even though YOU (you know who you are) don't really deserve any type of explanation or response, I feel up to giving you one anyway. Because fuck it. I've addressed you via text and over social media, and yet you still choose to hide behind other accounts. And worse, you try to create more drama by trying to go around me. 

This is a message that I received last night. Along with the same person trying to create drama by addressing my estranged husband over social media. But before I address that, here's a bit of history for you, that is extremely personal: My husband pursued another relationship while we were living separately. I won't get into the dirty details, but I'm sure from the previous posts many had already guessed that. I spoke with a lawyer, he spoke with a lawyer, and things got pretty nasty. I had papers drawn up in JANUARY, and we had agreed to file for a divorce at the beginning of FEBRUARY. At this point from the suggestion of a counselor, my doctor, my family, and even some coworkers I was encouraged to start "getting back out there". Reconnect with some old  friends. Go out on a date. Start doing things that I wanted to do. And so I started to do just that. Only, as that was all unfolding for me my husband spiraled out of control, and hit a wall full force. That's when he asked for help. And even though he was living with us we were in separate rooms, and he was still talking to someone else. For the sake of our daughter we wanted to remain amicable going forward.

So, with that in mind I actually reconnected with several old friends. I spoke with one of my best friends, and was informed that I should reconnect with a mutual friend of ours because he had just gotten out of a relationship as well. I was told that we should talk because we were going through very similar situations. So, I got in contact and we talked. Initially it was just a lot of catching up. Comparing notes, who got dealt the worse hand. Then there was flirting later on from both sides, and communication became more frequent. However, that's as far as things ever went. I wasn't ready to actually date anyone. According to him, neither was he. By law I am still married, and I wouldn't bring someone else into the picture until I was divorced. Any person going through this knows that it's nice to be complimented. To be hit on. Especially when you've heard some pretty ugly things about yourself that came from someone you thought you would be with for the rest of your life. When that person walks out, tells you that they might prefer someone else, it really does a number on you. And so, dipping my toes so to speak, into putting myself back out there was a baby step for me. I didn't have any expectations, and for the most part it was just really nice to have someone to talk to that knew what I was going through. The confusion; the hesitation. The heartbreak, the anger, and the loss. Sometimes when I felt like I was so deserving of what I was going through, what had happened, I was reminded that I was worth more. No one deserved that kind of treatment. That alone got me through some rough days, and anxiety attacks. Maybe I should have waited longer? Maybe I should have set boundaries? Maybe I should have done a little more homework on who I was talking to? From where I was standing though, my marriage was over and that had been stressed to me on several occasions by my own spouse, so I was doing my best to move forward. And if you're wanting to judge me for that, go for it. Your opinion of me doesn't matter because you're not important to me.

Last MONDAY, my husband randomly asked if there was hope for us. If there was any chance of us trying to make things work. Or had he pushed things too far? I informed him that he had pushed things too far. That I wasn't sure we could ever work things out because the trust was gone. He was still speaking to other people, and I had seen the messages to prove it. So unless that changed, I didn't see a point in us dragging things out. I wanted us to both be happy even if that meant we would no longer be together. He asked if I wanted to see other people? "Maybe" was my response, "But I won't date anyone until the divorce is started." Then on THURSDAY, he did something really reckless. He hit the absolute lowest point that he could, and those actions that he took shook me. We had to have an emergency meeting with two doctors, as well as three counseling sessions. We've both gone in this week, and will be doing more "group" (he and I together) sessions today as well as tomorrow. We've talked to the counselor about needing to find goals, about whether we need to table the divorce for now, can things work out if we both get to a good place, and how each of us feels about getting to a better place regardless so that what happened on Thursday does not happen again. So for now, as of THIS MONDAY, we've both agreed to put things on hold. The papers have been shelved, and we will see where the next few months take us.

SO THAT'S WHERE I AM, CURRENTLY. However, last WEDNESDAY, I received some messages from that friend's ex girlfriend. Or as she claimed, still current girlfriend, and had been the whole time. Which was news to me. That same night I received messages from him as well as one of his friends, stating that the "crazy ex girlfriend" had stolen his phone, and to disregard anything that came from that number. Instead I went ahead, and addressed both of them. Because the last thing I need in my life right now is more drama. He needed to figure his shit out with her, and I wished him luck. If she was mad about the flirting then she needed to take things up with him. Because from what he had told me, and others, he was not with anyone so he could do as he pleased. And I was definitely the least of her problems. I washed my hands of the situation, stopped responding, and moved on to more important things because the following day was one of the scariest I had ever been through.

Then last night, my husband received a message via Facebook, and I received the one above. So it seems this person is still mad, still trying to retaliate, and still wanting to stir things up. Here is my response to YOU: 

If there's something you want to talk about or need addressed, do so with me. You have my number. Do not be a coward, and hide behind different screen names so you can try to bring other people into the drama. My estranged husband and I are currently going through our own private situation that I really didn't need to explain to YOU, but since you clearly want to know/get into my business; THERE YOU GO. Even that brief glimpse above doesn't even begin to cover the extent of what we are going through so do not try to pretend like you know anything about my life. You have some serious issues you need to work through, and I suggest you do that with your ex or current boyfriend or whatever it is that you two are. Along with a really good counselor because you obviously need it. Your situation has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with you two so maybe you should focus on that. If it is true that you were still together then know that it was never my intention to be talking to someone who was in a relationship because that happened to me, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. So how about you deal with all of those that stated you two were not together, including him personally, instead of trying to repeatedly attack me. I hope you two figure out whatever it is that you are or are not, and I hope that it's resolved soon. However, if the harassment continues, I will seek out a more permanent and legal way to remove you from my life.

Now swerve on. 

Stalled

I have no control. My situation goes back and forth, and from one day to the next things change. I'm not a fan of this. I'm not a fan of not knowing. Of not having a plan or an end goal. It's frustrating, and beyond defeating. But there is nothing I can do about it. I just...put one foot in front of the other to keep pushing myself forward.

My husband says that he's not in a good place. He says he is unsure of every little thing in his life. He's confused. He's not sure if he'll ever be ready. Sadly, my daughter and I suffer right along with him. I've been told so many different things over the past month that have left my head spinning: I'm wanted, but then I'm not. I'm too jealous, but then I don't pay enough attention. I'm missed, but then not missed enough. I have done too little too late, or too much too soon. I am not enough, but at the same time I'm too good for someone like him. I've been told that I should leave him alone, stay out of his business, and yet I am the one at fault for not repeatedly informing him of events that pertain to our daughter. He wants us back, but then he doesn't miss our life. It's back and forth. Back and forth.

My nights are no longer my own. Before I was comforted in knowing that at some point, whether it was 9 pm or 1 am, he would bring himself home to us. He's not anymore. That reality is like being kicked repeatedly in the stomach every time I step through our front door. And at night, I find that my mind races and my heart feels so heavy with the sadness. He's living in a different house with his brother now. They throw parties, and invite other women over. My gut tells me that something is bound to happen, if it hasn't already. Playing with fire like that is not good. But, that's what makes him happy. One morning as we drove by I saw a woman's car parked in their drive way. And I remember just feeling so heartbroken. So lost, confused, and just hurt. From the back seat, as she looked out the window at their house, our daughter quietly stated, "Mommy. Daddy's not coming back home, is he?" And just seeing the look on her face made my heart crack. Our new reality hit me again, full force. "No, baby, I don't think he is." After I dropped her off I saw the pictures plastered on social media of the four of them all hugging each other on their couch. Later that morning when I asked him about it, he told me that I needed to stay out of his life. To stop "stalking" him because he needed space. The woman that stayed over was his brother's girlfriend, he said. He also stated that they were all just friends, and he was entitled to those. I guess he's right. However, I don't think what he's doing is very respectful to me, or to our marriage. Because, we are still married. I have male friends, but I don't go out partying with them or hugging all over them. I have more respect for my husband then that. What he's doing. Who he's inviting into his home. That's just like pouring gasoline next to an open flame. We no longer take that route anymore. It was too much for me to handle. And our daughter no longer asks to go over to see him.

Prayer, my parents, and the few close friends who know what is going on have been really getting us through our days. Keeping busy, and finals approaching next week have been huge distractions. The hardest time for me is at night when Em is finally asleep, and I'm left alone with my thoughts. I constantly wonder what he's doing, and who he's doing it with. Is he missing us? Does he regret his choices? Will he ever find his way back to me? Would I even want him to now that he's taken things so far? Sometimes, I get angry. I tell myself that I should not be okay with being a "second choice". I should not be the backup that someone settles for. I refuse to be someone's afterthought. I deserve to have someone who wants me, through the good times and the bad ones. Someone who fights for me; for us. My daughter and I deserve to have someone in our lives that wants to spend time with us. To be a family. I deserve to be wanted. Then there are nights when I sob into the shirt he left behind because I miss him so much. I feel like I'm being crushed by the weight of all the pain his absence has left behind. It echos in everything. The empty walls that once held his musical instruments. The silent rooms that no longer hold his laughter, or the music he meticulously worked on every day. And the empty drawers I refuse to fill up because they were his. I curl up on the couch, shirt in hand, and I close my eyes while I cry. I sit there long into the morning hours, waiting, pretending that he'll walk through the door at any moment.

Too Much

The back and forth is too much.

The hurtful words are too much.

The false hope is too much. 

The disrespectful behavior is too much.

The lies are too much.

The lack of compassion is too much.

Everything inside of me hurts all at once.

 

Whiplash; An Update

I've been looking at the previous posts, and that hurt I felt is still very much present. Only it's ebbed a little. As soon as I was able to I started to see a counselor because I wasn't handling things very well emotionally that first week. I did as my husband had asked which was to give him space, and I struggled to get through half a day without crying my eyes out in the bathroom. I smiled for our daughter. I went through the motions. I took a few days off from work, and during one of those days my mother sat me down to say "If you need help, we'll get you help. Just say the word, and we'll find you someone to talk to. You can't keep this all inside." Before her words even fully sank in I scheduled my appointment. And I've been going ever since. 

I've had a great support system throughout all of this which I'm extremely grateful for. I've also learned a lot about myself, and I'm still working through things. So far, I've come to terms with some of the parts that I had a play in when it comes to why things went the way they did in my marriage. I know that there are still plenty of other reasons I have yet to uncover too. But baby steps, right? I've also really, and truly realized that it wasn't all my fault. Some parts were, but not all of it. When I would speak to people about what was going on they'd always tell me, "You know this isn't your fault, right?" I'd nod my head, agree, and just breathe out slowly. Inside was a different story though. I would replay everything, and try to figure out why someone I thought loved me could have so much hate towards me? Obviously, it was me right? There was something wrong with me. If he fell out of love it was because of something I had done, right? What had I done? What did I need to do to fix it? What had I done to deserve this?

As week three rolled around, I slowly realized that I would be okay. I really felt it with every part of me that whatever happened I would come out of it stronger for surviving it. Obviously it was not an ideal situation, and divorce is not something that I wanted. But after leaving my counseling sessions every week I felt like I was chipping away at this huge blackness surrounding my feelings, and invading my thoughts. I was coming home feeling like I was finally constructing a vague/fuzzy outline for how I'd handle what was to come. It was a start. So I continued with the space, and no contact about anything that did not pertain to our daughter. One Friday night I decided I need a distraction so I went to see a band play at a local bar because I had realized that it had been so so long since I had gone to hear a band that I enjoyed. My husband never wanted to go with me to see a band that I liked if they were in town so I just wouldn't go. And even though I was still hurting immensely on the inside I found myself smiling as I sat with one of my sisters and listened to the music. Afterwards, I thought to myself, "You're still here. The world hasn't crumbled. You'll be okay." the entire drive home. And for the first time since he told me about wanting out of our marriage I felt some of the pressure lifting off of my shoulders.Not a lot, but enough to give me s bit of hope.

What I hadn't expected was for my husband to apologize. What I hadn't expected was for him to tell me that the four weeks we've been apart have been miserable for him. That he's seeing now what all he took for granted, and how he was wrong to have blamed everything on me. And I really didn't expect him to tell me that he wanted to work on things in order to give our marriage another chance. But most of all, I didn't expect how hesitant I was to believe what he was saying. Just three weeks before I was being told that I was no longer wanted. And as I begged him to reconsider his decision he had told me "no". So, can you imagine the emotional whiplash that resulted from his words? The confusion, and the doubt. It all clouded my head, and sent me back into this fog I had worked so hard at trying to clear. And still today, I'm not sure how I feel or what to think about all of this.

We mutually agreed to remain separated while we each figure things out. Whether it takes two months, four months, or longer I don't know. We've agreed to take things one day at a time though, and we've agreed on one "date" night a week/weekend. I put that in quotations because those are the nights that we will sit down to talk about how we're feeling, and the direction we're headed. Just to assess where our minds, and feelings are at. This past weekend was our first "date night", and for the first time in what feels like a really long time we were able to talk like civilized people. The discussion never got heated, we each took turns expressing ourselves, and I felt like this was a pretty momentous thing for us. Not just as a couple, but as two individual people. I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy our time together that evening. It had been forever since we had last had a dinner together and not only talked about the hard stuff, but the daily stuff as well. It felt pretty new again, and I wasn't sure whether that's a good thing or not. I'm conflicted about what these actions really mean, and it's something that I'm currently working through with my counselor. It was nice though, and I hope that things continue to progress in a good/healthy direction.

This in no way means that we will reconcile. We're both aware that in the end this might not work out. There are certain things that I refuse to budge on because they should not be apart of our lives in any way. I made it clear that there were deal breakers, and he also expressed his as well. But so far this has allowed us to communicate, to actively listen to each other, and to be expressive of the things we miss or don't miss about how our marriage was before. We do still have a lot of love for each other, and that's not something that just goes away. Still, regardless of whether we work things out or agree to part ways we want to be amicable about it. I hope that things change, that we get better, stronger. You all know that was my hope from the very beginning. To overcome and be better people for it. But there's no guarantee that this will be the outcome. For now, we're trying. And that's really all I had asked for; to try.