Okay, so this month is going to be all kinds of mixed up. I normally have the "scheduled" posts for the month ready a few weeks in advance, and the book reviews are normally already written up within the same time frame. Here we are already into the second full week of the month and as of right now the "currently" post hasn't even met it's first outline. And I haven't even finished the book for July either. So, I'll leave both of those to be published towards the end of the month. Fingers crossed that I can get them done by then. I also have one more product review that I'd like to get posted, but I'm not forcing that one. If I have to wait until August, I will. I'm completely out of my comfort zone guys, and I feel like this month is just a lot more chaotic than I had hoped. I've tried to establish a schedule, and I have this weird thing about consistent patterns that I liked to stick to when posting. All of that went out the window for July though! Yup, I dropped the ball. That'll teach you to trust me when I say "I'm hoping to be more consistent, and bring more content" doesn't it?
Last week when I wrote this particular post I was babysitting a Dos XX bottle as I typed it up. I was feeling this sense of "I don't give a fuck, bring it" to whatever had been bothering me that day. I was tired, agitated, and my anxiety was kicking my ass. So, I had myself a beer. And it helped with turning my thoughts of anger into this hazy ball of mush that I could address on another day. So, here we go. Another day. I finally decided that I wanted to go back to school, sooner rather than later. Since Tarleton screwed me over I can't resume classes there until what I "owe them" is repaid. I was able to get my government loans deferred until the end of the year so I'm saving money right now to be put towards that large ass sum. In the meantime I'm going to try and attend the previous college I received my Associates from. I want to take a few catch up classes, and take as many courses as I'm allowed before having to transfer over to the university again. I plan on stopping by their office, and speaking to an adviser before the end of July to get that in order.
Next up, marriage. Mine is a huge mess about 30% of the time these days. And I won't lie to any of you: the majority of it has to do with addiction, mental health issues, & a big ass dose of denial. We've been down this road before y'all, and I was told that it would be something we'd have to battle or deal with for the rest of our lives. Some years will be better than others, but I have to either be in it for the long haul or remove myself in order to not make things worse. Now, I know some people don't believe these are valid excuses, and they think that we should all just "man up". But just know that I'm doing my best to figure out what we need to do as a family right now. It's not easy to go through this, and to have these issues within a relationship. Even worse when it's a relationship that's created a family. I know there's a lot of bad that's happened, and people have definitely questioned my sanity. Some of the stuff that was said, that I was put through, or that I found out about are still very much on my mind. But like I've stated before I feel like I'm doing my best to be supportive, and helpful. My family always comes first, and that includes my marriage. Regardless of the state that it's in. However, in order to not bring on so much confusion and to focus more on our families recovery, I'm going to limit how much/how often I post in regards to my marriage. I don't want to sound like a broken record, and I just feel like this is something we need to take on privately from here on out. Of course I'll update from time to time, but it won't be in the same way I had before.
And finally, I've been doing some soul searching in regards to what/who I want to be when I grow up. I've started to write down some goals, and really stepped back to see what's been causing me a lot of anxiety/stress at work. I've noticed that there's some unhappiness in other areas of my life that left me feeling very unfulfilled, and drained by the end of my workday. I've known for awhile that I wanted to graduate with a specific degree and I'm still aiming for it, but what then? What happens when/if I achieve that goal? Do I want to stay where I'm at or do I want to explore other options? Are there even any other options for me? I know people talk about the things that they want to do, and what makes them happy in their careers but I've never really truly taken a closer look into mine. I live paycheck to paycheck, and it's never been about anything else for me. I do my time at an 8-5 job because I must. So, what happens if I were to be offered something else? What would I do if I were able to have enough stability to decided what I wanted to do in the future? Would it be the same, or would things change? I'll tell you guys all about it in my next post so stay tuned.
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