Wordless Wednesday

📸: Credit

 

Navigating a Financial Nightmare

They say, “When it rains, it pours.” And well, 2025 has not stopped raining. In fact, we’ve basically been flooding since our accident back in March. And it looks like we will be closing out the year with a lot of debt. It could be worse, I know, but this is probably the worst it has ever gotten for me. EVER. Between my husband’s unpaid time off after childbirth and the accident. Then, with all our medical bills, shortened hours at work, and not being firm on my “no,” things have gotten out of hand. And I don’t necessarily know how I’m going to get us out of it. I’ve narrowed our budget down as low as I can, and we are still in the red. And I’m getting further behind on payments.

At the beginning of 2024, something would always come up, or we’d have to dip into savings for some minor repair. I started telling my husband, “If we don’t start putting money into savings, we are one emergency away from major financial trouble.” Looking back, there was a lot I should have done differently. I should have managed finances better. After our son was born, I should have taken the medication offered to me when I was dealing with postpartum anxiety/depression. Maybe then I wouldn’t have been in such a crappy headspace for as long as I was, causing my husband to miss so much work. After the accident, I should have purchased a small SUV instead of letting my fear push me towards another larger vehicle. I shouldn’t have listened to someone’s advice and emptied my 401K two years ago to pay down debt as THEY had requested. It probably would have given us some breathing room this past year. And the list goes on and on. But I can’t go back. I can’t change it. And I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do.

Photo by NORTHFOLK on Unsplash

It’s all very stressful. The words “bankruptcy” and “repossession” have been tossed around. Neither is an option I want to consider, but if things get worse, I might not have a choice. We are trying to liquidate the majority of what we own that has any value to help us get through each week. And as I take pictures of things to post, I keep asking myself, “How did I get here?” I never imagined that I’d have to pick and choose between whose doctor visit is more important, or whether we need to go to a food bank so we can pay a bill. And so, if we barely have enough money to get us through the week, credit cards are the least of my concerns. That said, I had worked so damn hard to improve my credit score, and for years, I made saving a priority. So, for us to be in this situation, I’m often left in tears and extremely panicked.

I’ve done a bit of research, and everything points towards financial counseling, debt consolidation, and/or bankruptcy. I’ve contacted two financial counseling services to see what kind of support they can offer me. I also have a call scheduled with an accredited debt relief company that I found through the government website. While I wanted to negotiate rates on my own, I don’t have time to sit down and go back and forth with each credit card company. I also have no clue what I’m doing, so I need some help. It’s been such a long time since I’ve been in a situation like this, y’all. Though this time is probably the worst it’s ever been. I remember telling myself all those years ago that no matter what, I would not let myself get to that point again. And well, here we are. I’m actually really disappointed in myself. I knew better, and I just didn’t stay on top of things as I should.

Wordless Wednesday

 

Wordless Wednesday

June 2025

"Managing" Some Lows

Written on 9.25.25

Currently, I’m on my lunch break. Pumping, answering emails, and figuring out our budget in between bites of food. I’ve looked up several financial counseling services with a plan to call at least two of them to see if we can get some help. More on that later. It’s been a relatively long day, and I could really use a nap. Though I doubt I would actually take one if given the opportunity.

I’ve been feeling the pull of depression again. Low energy. Sobbing in the shower. Crying as I walk through the grocery store. Closing myself off socially. Not putting effort into my appearance. Not wanting to leave the house. Not wanting to clean or do laundry. Feeling like a failure. Giving the bare minimum at work. Feeling overwhelmingly sad. And having frequent intrusive thoughts. I’ve also had a few days where it physically hurt to get out of bed. Anything I have in the tank goes to my kids, and then as everyone settles in for the night, I crash out emotionally. The mask comes off, and I’m sitting on a pile of emotions I’d rather not deal with. It feels hard to breathe. Internally, I am screaming.

If you’ve been here long enough, you know I was diagnosed with depression as a teenager and anxiety in my 20s. Well, a few years ago, I started running and exercising as healthy ways to manage my symptoms. The more I did those things, the less I experienced low points, and eventually I was able to be taken off my medication. And for several years now, I’ve managed my symptoms with movement and getting outdoors. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to consistently run in a long time. And with current schedules, it will be a bit longer before I can even attempt to return to a normal running/workout schedule. So, my main coping techniques and stress outlets have been removed.

Knowing that, this would probably be the time for me to set up an appointment to see my therapist and then ask my doctor to place me back on medication. A band-aid, if you will. However, we are in such a crappy financial situation that I have to be very selective about what I spend on. Currently, counseling and medication are at the bottom of the priority list. Plus, I'm still breastfeeding, so I won't take anything that could negatively impact my son's health. Which means that instead of dealing with everything, I dissociate. I chip away at what I can, and try not to worry about the next thing. I tell myself that this won’t last forever. God will help us get through it. I tell myself to hold it together a little bit longer, and the help will come. I pray for my husband, my children, and our health. I breathe in and out. I unclench my jaw, and I get on with my day.

Wordless Wednesday

Goodbye, October

October used to be my favorite month; my own personal "new year." It was a month-long celebration for my family, packed with birthdays, changing seasons, and the excitement of Halloween. I also used it as a time for reflection and planning. I’d look over both my finances before heading into the holidays and my personal goals. This was also the time I’d either have to start increasing my weekly running mileage or scale back to meet my running goals. However, for the last two years, it just hasn't held the same magic.

My birthday, while I am blessed to get older, almost feels like a countdown now. I’m reminded of what I haven’t accomplished. I wake up tired most days. And I haven’t felt like myself in quite some time. Plus, my husband doesn’t believe in celebrating birthdays after you turn a certain age, so we try to focus on the kids instead. This month has also turned into one of the busiest for us. Between football games, work, volleyball games, after-school practices, and the start of basketball season, we are constantly on the go. Rarely are we all home by 7 PM. I try to tell myself that this is just a season. Things won’t always be so rushed. Sleep will come back. And maybe, one day, the magic of October will return. For now, we just have to embrace the chaos. Make the coffee a bit stronger. And enjoy where we’re at right now because it goes by so quickly. Anyway, here are a few snapshots from our month.

Wordless Wednesday

April 2025

Lets Get Up to Speed

So, I’m going to try to pick up where I left off before the chaos, and give a few life updates. We've created a pretty good daily routine, I'm fully adjusted to being back at work, summer is just about over, and we’re moving right along.

April 2025

1. April: My second nephew arrived!! And he is perfect. We went down to visit and I got to love on him A LOT. Our babysitter was a huge blessing to us during April as well. She came to our house to watch little man, do household chores while I couldn’t, and helped me to move around/stretch as a form of physical therapy. We had numerous conversations about faith, God, and I even had a few crying sessions with her. Truly, I am so grateful for her kindness. At the end of April, my employer asked if I could be released to work remotely. I asked my doctor, and he said that would be fine, but not to overdo anything.
2. May: Emery wrapped up her freshman year! I cannot believe it. I mean, I can, but also, it makes me sad. She passed all of her end-of-year exams. Now we’re looking into dual credit for next year as well as a real estate program. She was also confirmed in the Catholic church. And was recognized at the Athletic Banquet before school was let out for the summer. I returned to work in person on May 19. We slowly got back into a routine. Baby boy was still waking up frequently, BUT for shorter periods. Most nights anyway.
3. June: We made the first “long trip” with our baby boy. It was just over 3 hours, and he did really well! Much better than he had on any previous (shorter) trips. So, it’s safe to say that he was getting used to his car seat. Then, Emery, little man, and I spent a weekend with my brother and his family for their anniversary. I got to love on so many kiddos at once!  It was wonderful, and I say this with ALL of the love in my heart, "They are rockstars for having three kids." LOL! It is such a handful to have a lot of littles. At the end of the day, I was in awe of how they do it. But I quickly realized that I would not be able to handle it full-time myself. Any little bit of "Well, maybe I'm not done with having kids yet," ideas that I had left in me went right out the window. Two for me is good. Then, a few days after that trip, we went up to Denton for my brother-in-law’s wedding!
4. July: Our babysitter went out of town on vacation, so we had to find alternative care. Thankfully, the daycare our son would later be attending full-time allowed us to bring him in as a drop-in for the week. I was so grateful for that, BUT it was a rough one. There were a lot of tears - from both him and me. And there were days when I wished I could quit my job and stay at home with him until he was off at kindergarten. Unfortunately, that’s not a possibility. So, I just prayed my way through each day. When our babysitter returned from her travels, we were so excited! The first day back, little man was so happy. He reached for her and hugged her the minute he was in her arms. All smiles and no tears. Unfortunately, that was short-lived. She had gotten hurt while traveling, and while she tried her best, her doctor informed her that she was not allowed to lift anything and would be going through PT. So, I had to scramble to find another sitter after that week. And y’all…that is so scary. Vetting individuals, doing home visits, and praying that you’re entrusting your child to a good person…it’s a lot. Thankfully, the person we found was amazing, and our little man took to her very easily.
5. Present: We’ve done the majority of our back-to-school shopping. We’ve attended the athletics meetings. And soon we will have meet-the-teacher meeting night. Emery’s schedule is going to be packed, but she says she’s ready. And honestly, I think we are, too. Our little dude officially started daycare this month, and as expected, he’s struggled. I’ve struggled and questioned my career, over and over. I’ve even started a Program Management course in hopes that I can look into jobs that would allow me to work from home. All around, it’s been rough. I’m praying that things smooth out as the weeks go by, though.

During all of this, Corey has been making incredible strides in his new job! He’s dedicating himself to learning new skills and striving to be the best worker. It's been inspiring to see him dive headfirst into a career field he previously knew nothing about and thrive in it. His hard work is paying off, too. He's now on a fast track to working solo, much sooner than we anticipated. We're hoping that once he's officially out of his shadowing/apprenticeship phase, he'll receive a well-deserved pay increase.

And finally, I had my yearly evaluation back in June and received a high rating. I acknowledged that I wasn’t able to do as much as I had the previous year due to being out on medical leave. Twice. However, both of my bosses stated that they knew it was out of my control, AND despite my absence, they felt I achieved a lot. They said I added a lot of value to the team, and one even mentioned that it was very much felt when I was gone. He said something along the lines of, “There was so much disorganization while you were out. Times when I was unproductive because I couldn’t count on someone else to get things done the way I can when you’re here, so I had to take it on myself.” He’s also the one who encouraged me to request a “Compensation Equity Pay Study” from HR. And can you guess what the findings were? I was way underpaid. So, it was recommended that I be brought up to the same level as my peers.

Now, it seems like the year is flying. While some months dragged, others were gone in the blink of an eye. Emery and I are still working through our PTSD. People can usually tell when we start to get anxiety on longer drives. Especially in larger cities, and as the sun is going down. Emery has also stopped asking if she can drive places. This has really bummed me out because she used to be so excited. On the rare occasion that she does ask to drive down our road, I try to encourage her to go a bit further, but she usually shuts that down. And since we have plenty of time before she is set to take her test, I’m not pushing it. We’ll get through it eventually. Anyway, that about catches us up. Here’s to a wonderful start to the school year. To some easy days. And to some peace.

Wordless Wednesday

4.3.25: 1 Day post-op, my hair was a mess, & peep the glued glasses

A Sunday Evening We Won't Forget // Part II

So many things happened all at once. First, I heard the crunch of metal, and then it sounded like a bomb had gone off. I went forward a bit before the seatbelt tightened. I felt something in my right shoulder area break. Then I felt pain in my legs. There was smoke, the console was black, there was a siren sound, and all of the interior lights turned on.  I couldn't see much of anything else - my glasses had flown off. Emery was panicking, and I reached over to her, "Are you okay?! Are you okay?!" She confirmed that physically, she felt okay. I tried to calm her down and told her to stay put until help arrived. "We're okay. We're going to be okay. It's okay. It's okay." I kept repeating that out loud as if I were trying to reassure myself just as much as her. There was so much going through my mind. She responded with, "This is not okay. I can't believe that just happened. This is not okay." And that's when we heard the voices outside the vehicle. 

I heard someone start pulling on the driver's side door, and then asking if Emery was okay. He had a very calming voice and asked her questions to help her focus and perform a body check. She stated she was okay and asked him to help me out of the vehicle. He assured her they would help me, and then I could hear him asking someone else to escort Emery off to the side grassy area. That's about the time that the police, fire department, and ambulance arrived. I heard another voice on my side, and then the door was being pulled open. I could see the flashing red and blue lights. But I let them know that everything was blurry to me because my glasses were off. I couldn't find my shoes either. They asked me the same questions that they asked my daughter. And I let them know that I was hurt. They helped me get my shoes on and out of the vehicle. Two people helped me walk over to the side where Emery was sitting.  

The rest happened so fast. We kept being asked what had happened and what we remembered. All of those who responded to the accident needed to hear our side of what happened. Someone told us that the other driver tried leaving the scene and that he smelled of alcohol. Another person said beer bottles had fallen out of the other driver's vehicle when he opened his door to get out. Several witnesses were there with us and they kept telling us and the police officers that the accident was not our fault. "Your light was green, and he just turned into your lane - hitting you head-on." There was yelling, and I could feel a lot of pain in my body. Emery expressed how thankful she was that we didn't have her little brother with us. She verbalized what I had been thinking. A police officer was able to find Emery's phone, and I told her to call Corey. We let him know what happened, and he said he had gotten an alert on his phone. He would be there as soon as he could. Again, we were asked what happened. I refused to be transported by ambulance, "My husband is on his way, the hospital is close, he can take me." I had to sign paperwork for that. Oddly, even in that pain, I was worried about the medical bills. 

When Corey arrived, he was able to help me up and into the truck. He asked if they could look for my phone and my glasses. Thankfully, they were able to find both. My glasses were broken, but I was still able to put them up to my face to take a look around. And y'all, when I saw our vehicle...I was so thankful to God that we weren't more seriously hurt, and that we were both still here. Pretty banged up, but alive.  

Our vehicle is on the left

I was still in a bit of shock, and I felt cold. I called my mom and dad to tell them what happened. She said they would meet us at the hospital. I asked Corey about our son, and he said he was being cared for by his uncle and aunt. Then Corey drove us to the hospital, and that whole process was less than ideal. However, it was confirmed that I had broken my collarbone. A police officer came in and asked for more of our information. She also wanted our permission to receive our medical information from that night, as she wanted to arrest the other driver. The only thing I can say is that he was drunk, confirmed by several police officers, a firefighter, and two nurses. So I agreed. There were a lot of emotions as I sat there. Anger, guilt, fear, and thankfulness. But I reassured Emery that this was not her fault. And she didn't do anything differently than what I would have done. 

I won't dive into the rest of the details, because we'd be here forever. But after a few hours, I was released in a sling with instructions to contact an orthopedic surgeon. We did the following day. I had surgery two days later, and then the recovery process began. It has been a rocky road ever since. Recovery, both physically and emotionally, has been intense. I had to take a lot of time off from work, and I went several weeks without being able to hold my son. Several more before I was even able to pick him up. My daughter is still having to work through the trauma of what happened, and thankfully, we were able to have her start counselling almost immediately after the accident. Corey had to take time off from work, which set us back even more financially. I'm still trying to process my feelings and work through the trauma. I'm also trying to find it in me to forgive the other driver. 

Then the bills started coming in. My vehicle had been totaled, which meant we had to purchase another one by the time I went back to work. And y'all, it has been rough. There have been weeks where we haven't known how bills would get paid or if we'd have enough money for all the groceries. To add to that, a week after my surgery, we were informed that the vehicle's owner had reported to his insurance company that the driver was not authorized to drive the vehicle. So, their insurance informed our lawyer that they were not responsible for damages. And my health insurance has filed a lien because I sustained injuries in a car accident - that means they don't believe they should have had to pay for my medical visits/surgery. How awesome is that? Please read that with a heavy dose of sarcasm. 

So yeah, that's life lately. It's been a bit of a doozy. We still don't know how we're going to get by on most days. But so far, God's provided enough for us to squeak by on bills, food, and the necessities. Right now, so much is out of our control, and I can't give a lot of mental energy to all of the negative. I tell myself that I need to trust our lawyer to figure out the best solution for us. And every time I start to feel overwhelmed by it all, I just think about how grateful I am to be here. How grateful I am that my daughter is here. How thankful I am that my husband and son were not with us that evening. I thank God for another day, and just do my best to move forward. 

Wordless Wednesday

A Sunday Evening We Won't Forget // Part I

Where to begin? Well, March was going by rather smoothly for us. We were getting into a routine. My daughter's athletic commitments were winding down. I was getting into a groove at work. We were finally getting to go back to church. And financially, we were getting by. Life was starting to feel relatively normal again. However, in the blink of an eye, our lives were disrupted - our plans and progress halted.

On the evening of March 30, I woke up from a nice nap with my son. My husband came into the room and said, "Ice cream sounds really good right about now." I rolled my eyes and laughed while responding, "Okay, okay. We'll go get ice cream." My husband said, "I'll stay home with the baby so Emery can drive and y'all can have some time together." I walked over to Emery's room and asked if she wanted to go into town, and she could drive. Her head popped out from her closet door, her hair in a heatless curl set, and she immediately said, "YES!" She grabbed her sunglasses and off we went to grab some ice cream. The drive there was so fun! We had a great playlist going, and talked about the track meet coming up. Emery was ready for the season to be over, but was really excited about the last track meet with her friends. I had already requested time off work for that Monday so I could go watch her run. She grumbled that it wasn't a big deal, but that she was okay with me showing up. You know, teenagers.  

As we turned into the Dairy Queen parking lot, we both noticed how long the line was. We sat in the drive-thru line for about 15 minutes before we even got our order in. I took a picture of us and the line ahead of us to send to Corey. The things we do for those we love, right? When we finally got to the pick-up window, it was just after 8 PM. Emery said she wanted to avoid the normal route because there were so many cars, and instead, she wanted to go through the lights on the loop. I told her that was fine. We headed out of the parking lot and started the trip home. As we came to a light, I kicked off my sandals and picked up Corey's DQ Blizzard to have a taste. Emery teased me, "You got your own ice cream, and you're still eating Corey's." I told her that I was just tasting it because it looked similar to mine, and I wanted to make sure they hadn't gotten the order wrong. We laughed as she turned onto the loop. It was such a smooth turn, and I complimented her on how she handled it. We got to a second light, and she asked me to change the song, so I reached for the phone and found a different playlist. I set the phone back down and went to reach for my Blizzard. The light was green, and we were just passing under it when I saw the front of a Dodge pick-up truck as it swerved into our lane and hit us head-on.

Wordless Wednesday

Maternity Leave is Officially Over

Well, my maternity leave was up on January 27. However, our household came down with several illnesses (RSV, bronchitis, and the Flu), so my bosses let me work from home until we were all on the mend. I returned to the office at the beginning of February, and during one of my first weeks back, we got snow. I'd like to think God was giving me a little welcome back of his own.  

 

This transition has been rough. Breastfeeding timing, getting ready in the morning, and then having to navigate drop-offs and pick-ups for both kiddos has been a huge learning curve. Most days, I’m running behind. I’m barely getting Emery to school as the bell is ringing. My son hates the car seat, so the drive to his sitter’s house is usually filled with tears. And I’m sliding into my office about 5-10 minutes after I’m supposed to be there. That said, we had a male employee who welcomed a child a week after we did, and he was able to change his working hours to 9 AM - 3 PM. So, they better give me grace for those 5-10 minutes because I’m trying. My daughter’s extracurricular activities and practices have also been interesting to navigate. And I’ve had to resort to asking for help from other moms a handful of times.

Bedtime routines are there(ish), but the quality of sleep is not. For me, anyway. The time change (which I love) has brought even more challenges (which I don’t love). Since we co-sleep, my husband was originally camping out on the couch. But that’s not the most comfortable, so getting a full 8 hours for him was a challenge. He’s now back in our bed, so we are learning to navigate the bedsharing situation. That said, I am up at 12, 2, 4, and 6 AM. Like clockwork. Sometimes, I get up in between those times because of all the grunting and scootching that my son is doing. However, I’m averaging between 6.5 and 7 hours each night. It’s not good sleep, but it’s sleep, so that’s a win.

Work has also felt different for me. I like having a routine, being around other adults, and being productive outside of my home life. But, where once I was so focused on the “next steps” and “new challenges” in my career, these days I’m just ready to be home with my family. I was already leaning in that direction before maternity leave, but having a baby kicked that shift into high gear. Any drama that’s taking place, I stay out of. When I’m allowed to work from home or leave early, I do. I’m not super concerned with climbing higher on the ladder. Maybe one day I’ll get back to that, but not right now. Instead, I’m finding ways to do my job better and hopefully negotiate a higher salary once reviews take place in June. Because honestly, a job is a paycheck. While we NEED money to pay bills and buy food. I can always find another job. And I am completely replaceable here. The show will go on without me. So, my home life is what’s most important to me. Spending time with my family and kids is what I value most.

All of this is to say that things are chugging along. I’ve got a few things down and some other kinks to work out. Our new family dynamic is a work in progress. I deal with “working mom’s guilt” more often than not. My marriage sometimes feels strained, like we’re prioritizing everything else before each other. But then, Corey and I will hold hands before bed, and it’s a gentle reminder that we’re still in it. At the end of the day, my house is a mess, the laundry is piled up, and I’m exhausted. But my family is happy and healthy. We have food on the table and a roof over our heads. Listening to my daughter sing to her baby brother stirs so much love in my heart. Being present for her and him in the short amount of hours in the day I get with them is super important to me. And I keep telling myself that this is just a season. Before we know it, we’ll blink, and it’ll be gone.

Postpartum

We were home, and I was exhausted. My milk supply was not coming in. I was feeding every hour on the hour. I didn’t want to leave the house. My son was not pooping. He was spitting up almost everything that I gave him. He would only sleep if he were held. And I couldn’t sleep out of fear that something would happen. My anxiety had me on such an edge that I was averaging 2.5 hours of sleep each day (according to my watch). I cried over everything. Everything. And this went on for about two weeks before I had a breakdown.

Now, I knew after the first few days that I had the baby blues and postpartum anxiety. But I didn’t realize how bad it was until one night, I sat crying about not producing enough milk while my son cried out in frustration - yanking on my nipple. He hadn’t pooped yet, and he would strain so much. I was concerned that something was wrong. I hadn’t showered in several days, I wasn’t getting any sleep, my nipples were cracked, and it was so painful every time my son would latch. My husband insisted that I pump, but barely anything was coming out. And I just lost it in front of everyone. That’s when my husband, mom, and stepmother-in-law came up with a plan to take shifts. My husband told me to go to bed, and they would wake me up when I needed to pump so they could feed him. That night, I got some much-needed rest. And while I felt better the next day, I knew our routine was unsustainable.

 

Eventually, I went to see my doctor. While they prescribed some medication, I decided to try a few other things first to see if they would help. So, we went outside. I forced myself to make more trips into town. I asked for help so I could do a few things around the house and shower at least every three days. I started breathing through my anxiety - long, deep breaths. By week 3, the baby blues had passed, and by week 8, my anxiety had significantly decreased. Also, at the recommendation of several family members, I started researching safe co-sleeping. This isn’t for everyone, and that’s okay. I had co-slept with Emery, but I was completely oblivious to safe co-sleeping practices back then. This time, I was much older and exhausted. And I was dealing with severe anxiety, so I was scared to even think about cosleeping. However, after reading up on safe co-sleeping and bedsharing, I felt comfortable enough to give it a go. And let me just say that once we began co-sleeping, I started getting more sleep. We both did. I went from getting 4 hours a night to 6 hours in the form of two 3-hour stretches. Again, this isn’t for everyone.

Things have gotten better. I can function on the sleep I’m getting now. The minor health issues that little man has are things that he’ll outgrow. And we’re slowly adapting to our new family dynamic. While I had been totally prepared for the physical part of postpartum, the emotional and mental parts had completely taken me by surprise. I was ready for the bleeding and wobbling around. I was prepared for the fluctuation in hormone levels and the breastfeeding pain. But I was not prepared for the depression, anxiety, and tears. I was not prepared for the emotional breakdown that came with sleep deprivation. I honestly felt like I was losing my mind. And I was not prepared for the feeling of loneliness that seemed all-consuming. This postpartum was a completely different experience from when I had my daughter. Now that we’re three months in, I look back at that time with sadness. My anxiety really robbed me of being able to enjoy those first two weeks of “newborn bliss”. And I feel like I robbed my son of having a calm and peaceful introduction to the world. Instead, he got the mom, who was filled with anxiety, exhaustion, and panic.

Wordless Wednesday

 

Coming Home

Shortly after my son arrived, things were all fuzzy. I was tired. The doctor was stitching me up. My son was on my chest, looking shocked and sucking on his fingers. People all around were talking. Once that was all taken care of, it got quiet in the room, and we were able to have a “golden hour” as a family of four. I couldn’t believe that our little boy was finally here.

While I was so happy that he got here safely, it didn’t feel the same as the last time I had given birth. I knew I loved this little baby, but it differed greatly from my daughter. I couldn’t quite pinpoint the feeling, but it grew over the next 24 hours. It was like a slow bloom at first - as I stared at him. Then, tracing his nose and holding his little fingers, it felt surreal that he was actually in my arms. He would open his eyes and look at me with this intensity, too. He was perfect and very calm.

While at the hospital, I felt safe. If I had questions, the nurses would answer them. If we needed help, a nurse would come in. If you’ve ever given birth, you know that you get little to no sleep at a hospital. Surprisingly, I found comfort in that. There was always someone there if needed. And even though this was not my first time having a child - it had been 14 years since I had gone through this - everything was so different.

We were released the following afternoon, and while we were all excited to be going home, this is when my anxiety started to creep in. I worried about the car seat. I kept checking his breathing. When we got home, I thought I would feel more comfortable, but it was the complete opposite. Gone were the nurses. No one at home knew CPR. There wasn’t another person checking on my son to make sure he was okay in the middle of the night. Adding to that anxiety, he did not want to sleep while swaddled or in a bassinet. All he wanted was contact naps. And that’s when things started going downhill for me.

A Birth Story // Part II

When I say that I labored in all positions, I mean it. We walked the halls a lot. I would sit on the birthing ball and roll my hips in figure 8s. Then, when the nurse spotted the heart rate issue, I had to add several other positions. They dropped the bed, and I was in a sitting position. I went through several contractions that way. Then they laid me back down and put a peanut ball between my legs - having me bend back a bit. Not a fan of that one at all. And then I was asked to get on all fours - rocking back and forth. Then, they brought the birthing ball for me to wrap my arms around and rock. Finally, they got Corey involved, and we did the “slow-dance” position. We did this for about 2 hours. Switching between each one every 20 - 25 minutes. 

During all of this, the nurse kept monitoring my baby’s heart rate. Thankfully, her advice worked, and it started to remain steady. I was told that I could labor however I felt the most comfortable from that point on. While this was good news, this was also about the time that I started to struggle a bit. I began to waver in my decision to attempt this without medication. As I swayed through another contraction, the pain was so intense. I remember telling Corey, “I think I’m going to need something to get through this. It hurts so bad.” He told me that he supported that decision, and so I asked the nurse for some medication.

BUT it was too late. Originally, she told me that she’d bring me some pain medication to give me through my IV. Before she left the room, she checked me and said I was past 8 cm. When she returned empty-handed, I knew I wouldn’t be getting anything. “I’m so sorry. They told me that since you are at an 8, we can’t administer any medication.” I asked about nitrous, and she said they were out. I almost cried as I swayed from side to side next to the bed. The contractions were getting closer together, and they were painful. I mentally scolded myself, “Why did you think it was a good idea to do this without any drugs?” And just as another contraction peaked, a second nurse came in and declared that the nitrous had been restocked. She connected the mask, and they gave me instructions on what I had to do.

This is when time felt like it was going by really fast and slow all at the same time. I got up on the bed with the birthing ball and the nitrous mask. I had several contractions in that position before I was rechecked. Another nurse came in, and the doctor appeared. There was a whirlwind of pulling tables closer to the bed, and the doctor asked me to get on my back. She checked me and said, “It’s time to push.” The nurse told her I wanted to go with a squat bar for delivery, but the doctor said it wasn’t an option due to the umbilical cord. She needed access in case my son wasn’t breathing and she needed to perform lifesaving measures. My feet were placed in stirrups, and Corey was asked where he’d like to stand. My daughter and mother were sitting behind the doctor, and they opted to stay in the room.

As the doctor instructed me to push, I bared down, and that’s when I started to feel the “ring of fire”. It was so intense. As soon as the next contraction peaked, she said, “PUSH.” I pushed down as hard as I could. Other people were saying words of encouragement, but I tried to focus on the doctor. I was tired, and the pain felt like it was never going to end. The next contraction started, and soon after, I heard her say again, “PUSH.” This time, I pushed, but I didn’t do a full push. I felt weak and exhausted. I remember looking at Corey and thinking, “I can’t do this.” And that’s when I heard someone say, “He’s almost out, he’s right there, one more good push.” And I gave it all I had. My right leg came down, and the nurse had to grab it and place it back up. But I bared down, and within seconds, he was out. They placed him on my chest, and he let out a cry while I let out a sigh of relief. He was finally here.

Wordless Wednesday

 

A Birth Story // Part I

My entire pregnancy was relatively “easy” but we had to change plans a couple of times. And then when it came to labor and delivery, I ended up having to be induced. While I had hoped to avoid induction, my doctor felt it was the best course of action. So, that’s what we did.

The Monday before my scheduled induction I let my employer know I would be out. I finalized my sick pool request, which was granted. Thankfully. That Tuesday, I worked on “tying up loose ends” and handing over important documents to the person taking on some of my duties. I said bye to everyone and went home to pack.

That afternoon, I packed my hospital bag and went over a mental checklist. Gown, socks, toiletries, snacks, adult diapers, phone charger, etc. I placed my son’s going-home outfit in my bag and had Corey check that the car seat was installed properly. He then made sure to pack his pillow and loaded up our bags. It felt unreal that, God willing, by that time on the following day our son would be here.

The day of my induction started early for us. We had to be at the hospital by 5 AM which meant we had to be up at 4 AM. Our alarm went off, and we made sure to gather the last bit of things we needed. We fixed our coffee and grabbed some breakfast. I walked into my daughter’s room and gave her a kiss. I told her I’d see her later and off we went.

The drive was pretty quiet as I was mentally preparing myself for what I was about to go through. The plan was to labor and deliver without any kind of pain medication. I had done it with my daughter, and I was adamant about doing it again. But that meant I would have to endure quite a bit of pain. So, I sipped on my coffee and ate my breakfast as we traveled down the winding back road towards the hospital. I kept thinking about how our lives were about to change, forever.

Once we arrived at the hospital the check-in process was simple. We were taken back to our room, and I started the process of getting ready. The nurse hooked up my IV and the wireless monitor system. Another nurse asked how I’d like to labor, and I informed her of my wishes. We were given some more paperwork, and then I was told that the Pitocin would be started after the doctor came in to check on me. Corey went out to grab some breakfast, and I recorded a little vlog while I waited.

By 7 AM, we had met the nurses who would be our “team”. We discussed natural pain management, and alternative non-medication options available. And because it’s required we went over epidurals and medications available should I change my mind. Then, I was checked for dilation, and the Pitocin was started. Everyone kept telling me that this would go by fast because I was already dilated to 6 cm. From that point, we just had to wait for the contractions to start.

Over the next few hours, I requested a birthing ball and spoke to the nurse about different delivery positions. We discussed the availability of a squat bar, getting on all fours, and even sitting upright. Thankfully, my doctor was open to whatever I felt comfortable doing. During this time my mom arrived. My father-in-law and my daughter came as well. The contractions were mild, and I rolled through them on the birthing ball. By 11 AM they broke my water.

The contractions remained mild, but it was about 1 PM when the nurse came in with concerns about my son’s heart rate and my lack of progression. She checked the monitor and confirmed that with every contraction I had, my baby’s heart rate would drop. She checked me and then stated that she felt the cord was wrapped around his neck. So, she started having me labor in different positions. Switching every 20 minutes. If this didn’t help or resolve the issue then we’d have to discuss other options...

Wordless Wednesday

 

HBD, Little

Dear Little,

Today, you turned 15. And I can't believe how quickly that got here. Soon you'll be taking your learner's permit test. And before long you'll be driving yourself to school. I mean, HOW? How can you already be at this point in life? Wasn't it just last week that we brought you home from the hospital? Wasn't it just yesterday that you were singing along to the Wiggles? Time went by so fast, Little. 

I miss the days when you would cling to my neck. Rub your nose on mine. And giggle at how it tickled. I miss the baby cheeks and the tiny little clothes. The way you would say "mama" and reach up so I would pick you up. Sometimes, when you fall asleep, I glimpse that little baby. And I can recall those little giggles. 

All of that said, I am so proud of the person you're becoming! You try new things all of the time. You still blow kisses at me as you get out of the vehicle during school drop-off. You still like to run errands with me. You help me clean when you see things are overwhelming me at home. You hold your little brother when I need to get something done and he's too fussy to put down in the bassinet. And there's no one else I'd rather binge-watch The Kardashians with than you. You are wise, smart, and funny. You're beautiful and strong-willed. You love to talk to me before bed, and there are no secrets. I'm thankful for another year here with you. I am so grateful that God allowed me to be your mom.

Here's to YOUR next chapter. Praying, always, that it's filled with laughter, love, and joy. 

Love,                                 

Mom                                

A New Year, A New Chapter

Hello! It seems like forever since I've gotten on here. I didn't intend to stop writing so quickly, but I was induced just five days after my last post. And it has been a whirlwind ever since! I'm quickly typing this up as my son is taking a nap. 

We got through Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year in one piece. However, I'd be straight-up lying if I said things have been easy. But more on that in a different post. For now, I just wanted to quickly pop on here and let you know that we are good. My son is here. We are officially a family of four. But sadly, my maternity leave is quickly coming to an end - this is my last week at home. So, I'm trying to soak up all of the contact naps, and baby coos, and enjoy the last few days I have at home with him. I plan to get back to writing regularly soon too. Until then...💙