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Wordless Wednesday

Christmas Kisses

Merry Christmas

It's officially here! Christmas day is just a few hours away, and I'm pretty much ready for it to finally be over. Not because I don't like it, I love Christmas, but more like all of the stress that comes with it finally comes to an end. And I can finally say goodbye to that damn "Elf on the Shelf" that I caved and bought this year. Do you know how hard it is to come up with ideas for that thing when you're on a budget, and "craft" challenged? Emery would come home telling me about other kids' elves, and how they did something cool at night. I think I stressed myself out the most when it came to figuring out what to do with the damn thing. But now, that has officially come to an end. And I'm ready! 

Tomorrow we get up early, open presents, and then get ready for the day. We'll spend the first half with my family, and then head over to one of Beau's relatives' house in order to spend the last half with them. Emery is excited because we drew names, and this year she was actually able to buy a gift with her own money. She's really proud of herself for that. It should be a pretty laid back day with family, friends, and some good food. My brother and his family will be headed back to Mount Pleasant tomorrow night, but I am so grateful that they were able to be here for ten whole days! My sister-in-law helped me out a lot this passed week. And I was able to see my nephew every day. Emery loved having her cousin here so she spent a lot of time with them. I'm extremely grateful for that too. We're missing my dad, but he should be back by the end of this week. And even though I miss him being here with us I'm actually glad that he's getting to spend Christmas with all of our relatives in Mexico. I'm still really stunned about my grandmother, and to be honest, this Christmas season has been kind of sad for all of us. First, it was my aunt who passed at the beginning of the year and then to lose one of my grandmas so suddenly just a week ago. It's been difficult for us to wrap our heads around it all...

But we are choosing to be thankful for all of the good that happened this year. Thankful for all of the time we did get with our loved ones-- those who are here and those who have gone. So, with all of that said, I hope that you all have a wonderful Christmas! May it be filled with peace, love, and joy. 

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You Take A Piece of My Heart

My grandmother, on my father’s side, passed away on Tuesday afternoon. It was completely unexpected. The circumstances that led to her being in such a fragile state to begin with fill me with such anger, and I hope that eventually something will be done. But there’s no bringing her back. And right now, I am just filled with sadness that we can’t be there. Thankfully, my father is. What was originally supposed to be a week stay beginning this Friday turned into him leaving a full week earlier. Because of this he was able to be at her side until she passed. And I find great comfort in that. When my dad called us on Tuesday afternoon with the news I was devastated. But I was also extremely grateful that he was able to be there with her.

My grandmother was a wonderful woman. I would argue that she was practically a saint. She lived for her children. And then when grandchildren came along she reveled in the role of grandmother. She selflessly served others, and there was never a stranger. When my brother and I were growing up we spent weeks out of our summer at my grandparent’s house just outside of Ciudad Victoria. There were a few Christmases there too. She would always have flour tortillas, pan dulce, and chocolate milk stocked up for when we arrived. We would walk all over that tiny village, and sometimes take the bus into “el centro” for shopping. God, I loved being there. In that house with the wrap around balcony, and the great big windows that let in a cool breeze that somehow always smelled like rain. We’d often sit on the edge of that balcony at night just looking out over the village. Stargazing when the lights began to turn off all around us. Their home is surrounded by plants, trees, vegetables, and flowers that she planted and tended to her whole life. She insisted that they be looked after at all times when she was away. Those trips to Mexico taught me a lot about life. How fortunate I was to have been born in Texas. To have such a big family with roots in Mexico. To be able to come and go when I wanted. To be grateful for what my dad went through in order to get to where he’s at. Which never would have happened had my grandmother not pushed him. Wanted better for him. And I will always love her for that.

As we got older, and laws became stricter we weren’t able to visit as often. It’s been about fourteen years since I’ve been to their home. Sometimes she and my grandpa would meet us at our cousin’s house in Reynosa in order for us to be able to see them. And then in the past two years we started making trips down so that they could come to Texas for a few stays out of the year. The last time they were here was in June, and I’m so happy that we were able to have them here for over a month. When they left to go back home I sat in the room as she packed up her things. We double checked to make sure she wasn’t forgetting anything. Especially the Nivea lotion that she had discovered, and fell in love with. My dad had bought her a great big bottle, and she had it stacked on top of everything in her bag. She was excited to be getting back home to her garden, and her eyes twinkled. When she finished, she sat next to me on the bed, and put her head on my shoulder. I hugged her, and kissed her forehead. “Te quiero tanto, buelita.” I told her as we held onto each other. “Yo tambien mi niña. Te quiero mucho.” she said after kissing my cheek. And then she told me that I would have to come visit in the Spring so that I could see all of her flowers. I told her I would apply for my passport at the beginning of 2019 in order to be ready for a trip in the Spring. This whole year I had been putting off getting a passport because I didn’t need one in order to cross into Reynosa when we went to pick them up. My dad would offer to pay for it but we’d all been pretty tight on money so I would decline and tell him we’d do it another day. When we had more money and time. Today as I sit here typing this up I’m regretting that decision so much. The last mental image I have of my grandmother is one of excitement and happiness on her face. Of hugs, kisses, and plans for the future. I will treasure that image of her always. It was the perfect example of who she was.

Today, they are laying my grandmother to rest. Since we (Emery, my mother, sister-in-law, and myself) don’t have passports we were unable to go. We looked into an emergency passport card, but they still take 2-4 days to process. And as her passing was very unexpected they wouldn’t be ready in time even if we went that route. So today, since we can't be there in person, I’m choosing to remember all of the best memories I have of her. I will remember her voice, that laugh, and the way she would say “Beto” when calling for my dad. I will remember the happiness and tears she had when we bought her a new Wringer Washer. She did not like updated washing machines. I will remember the pan dulce she would sneak me, and the sly little smile she would give when my dad would mention taking her out for ice cream. I will remember how she always wanted to feed us. Even after we had already eaten. I will remember her as a strong mother who suffered so much, but made the best of everything. Today I choose to celebrate who she was, and I can only hope that I'm able to carry some of that on with me.

💕

Wordless Wednesday

Dreaming of a Snowy Christmas

It’s been a pretty warm December for us here in Texas. The temperature usually only gets to be about 35 at the lowest and that’s usually overnight. When we’re all snuggled up in bed. We walk out in the morning with sweaters, but by the time noon hits we’re taking them off and wishing for flip flops. The other day some of my coworkers and I were talking about how it’s changed so much since we were little. I remember waking up on Christmas day to fresh snow. I remember having ice storms in January. Then the other day we were going through old pictures and it looks like Emery was about two years old the last time we had snow that stuck around for a few days. Temperatures staying around 45 during the whole day. And you know, I actually miss that. I miss being able to experience all of four seasons.

It doesn’t look like this will be a snowy year either. Fingers crossed that in a year or two things will shift. I’d say we’re about due for it, don’t you? In the meantime, I force my friends who live in places that get snow to send me pictures. Videos are preferable, but pictures will do. And this year I’ve gotten some pretty great stuff sent my way. So, for all of you in states that are “suffering” through another warm winter, here are some pictures to enjoy. And if you live somewhere that gets snow...well…😝

📷: A friend in Utah

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What's Next For Us?

Well, that's a pretty loaded question if I'm being honest. It’s been a little over two weeks since everything changed for us. It’s still a really weird feeling to know that I’m divorced- I don’t even like to say it out loud. Since last week’s posts things have calmed down, and we’ve managed to smooth over a lot. By the end of this month Beau will be out of state for work if everything goes accordingly so we’re trying to come up with a good game plan and schedule together. We’ve talked more about our future living arrangements. And last week it was officially decided that Emery and I would stay in our current home while Beau was on the road. Since he’ll only be coming down once a month he can stay in Emery’s room, and be able to spend time with her. This will also give him some time to save in order to get his own place when he’s back permanently. Originally, I had planned to move out. Which, I’ll be honest, was a hard decision but one I was willing to follow through with because I have family that will help me out by giving me a place to stay until I get on my feet. Where Beau does not. Our rent is really affordable and he knew that he could swing that with his single income. Plus he’d have the extra room for when Emery went to stay with him. And that was one of the main reasons why I was okay with being the one to move. However, after talking it over some more we realized that this was a better decision in the long run and less disruptive for Emery. So, we ended up contacting our current landlord and asked that they keep Beau in mind if anything of theirs becomes available in February or March. Within the same price range as what we currently have. They agreed to contact us first if anything opens up.

Now, my daughter has been at the forefront of my mind for all of my decisions. She's the main reason for why I'm keeping my head up, and looking at things from a place of love rather than anger. Keeping things civil. Keeping things honest. Keeping things positive. When I first said that this was the end of the line for me in our relationship Beau said, “This isn’t right. She deserves to have two parents under one roof with her.” And he’s right. Ideally, that would have been the preferable outcome. She does deserve to have two parents under one roof. Parents that get along. Parents that have their shit together. Parents who can have disagreements without yelling or name calling. Parents who show respect for one another. But then I recalled a conversation she and I had on our way to school one morning where she said, “Mommy, I don’t ever want to get married.” When I asked her why she had such a strong opinion against marriage she responded with, “Because that just means a lot of fighting and arguing like you and daddy. And no one is ever happy.” When I told Beau about this he sighed heavily before letting out an “Okay”. I’d like to think that something clicked for him that night. That he realized what our relationship looked like to our daughter. A bad one. And that he knew it was better for us to get along, and be separate than to continue on for the sake of being able to say she had two parents under one roof. 

So, on December 1st, I officially sat down with Emery to let her know what was going on. I expressed how much we both love her. “Oh, I know mommy.” I told her about us discussing living arrangements, and that we’d let her know as soon as we made a decision. “You mean I’ll get to live in two different houses? That’s kind of cool. Can I decorate however I want?” And then we both let her know that she could talk to us about anything. That each of us were always going to be available to her. “I know. I get it. Everything is going to be okay mommy.” We went over a few other things about feelings, and missing each other. She had a few questions and I did my best to answer them. The whole thing ended in a lot of hugs, kisses, and “I love you’s”. So now that everything has officially been decided I’ve been doing a lot of cleaning, and donating items I don’t need anymore. Clothes, shoes, books. Emery was just excited that she didn’t have to pack up ALL of her things just yet. “When daddy gets a house I only have to pack half of my stuff? Sweet!”, she exclaimed when I informed her of what we were doing. I feel like this is just another adventure for her. When I asked how she felt about one day having two homes she said that she was fine with it. That she knew other kids who had divorced parents so it wasn’t going to be weird. And even though this is not something I ever wanted her to experience I’m relieved that she’s handling things so well. Especially for her age. In fact, I’m pretty sure she’s handling this a lot better than I am. Kids, right?

For now we’re just trying to go about life as normal as possible. We still do a lot of things together as a family. I know some would argue that this can be confusing for our daughter, but we've been very clear about what is happening. I even took Beau as my plus one to the company Christmas party. We had decided on it a few months ago, and we actually had a good time. Our Christmas Day and New Years plans are still the same too. We've always split the day between our families and have no interest in changing that up. However, the dynamic in our relationship has noticeably shifted. Speaking for me anyway. The sadness is still there, but it’s also mixed in with some hope. Hope for a calmer future. For a co-parenting relationship that sets a good example. Hope that our daughter won’t need over a year's worth of therapy to overcome the negative outlook she has on marriage because of us. Ha! Too soon? All jokes aside, Beau is someone that I love and care deeply about. And this was not how I wanted things to turn out for us. But since they have I want us to be able to move forward in life in an amicable and loving way. No more anger. So here we go, y’all. Onward and upward. New chapters and shit. 

And that's about as much as I’d like to disclose in regards to this part of my life. For now. Obviously things change all of the time, but Christmas is right around the corner and I want to spend it with my family. All of them.  I have one more week of work and then it will be ten whole days of getting to enjoy Christmas, family time, and ring in the New Year with the people I love most. I don't want to stress or think about all of the changes that are coming at us full force in the next few months. I just want to enjoy this time. Peace, love, and life-- you know? So, I really want to end 2018 in a good, happy, and positive way. And if you don’t mind, send us some good vibes or prayers as we start to navigate our new normal in life please? It'd be greatly appreciated. 💓

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Divorce - Part Two

I love my husband. I want to be clear about that. One night, my sister-in-law told me that she couldn’t understand why I let him get away with everything, and allow him to treat me so badly. I sat with her and tried my best to explain the “why” behind my love for him. It’s because deep down I know he’s a good person. I know he's a great father. I know he loves our daughter. I know that a lot of the pain and trauma he experienced growing up has a lot to do with how he handles things. How he treats and talks to people. And even with all of the negative I wrote about in part one, there was still A LOT of wonderful moments that happened this year too. We shared a lot of laughs. We celebrated birthdays. We got through a surgery, and at home physical therapy. We took a vacation in New Mexico. We spent evenings as a family playing board games and curled up on the couch watching movies. Afternoons at the park, and dinners at our favorite restaurants. There was love and intimacy. Moments where I sat back and thought, “THIS. This is what it’s all about.” We actually got along much better this year than we have in the past five years. It just wasn’t enough to dismiss everything else. I couldn’t keep making excuses for the behavior, and outburst that were clearly inexcusable.

But I will always love him. I will always want the very best for him. Even if it can’t be with me. I still plan to continue helping him out whenever I am able to because there is no hate or resentment in my heart for him. Despite how toxic we are as a couple, pushing each other’s buttons, we actually do really well with co-parenting. Having each other’s backs when our daughter starts to push her boundaries. We do really well when it comes to everything else, BUT our marriage it seems. We can joke around, and be in the same home without issue. We can talk about the past and the future without incident. However, there are things we need to work on. His temper, his anger, the way he lashes out, and his addiction issues. I’m not just talking drugs; he's currently clean and on probation. None of these are things that I can fix for him. No matter how much I wish that I could. He has to put in that work if he wants to change. And he needs to find what makes him whole, what gives him peace, and what makes him happy. I, on the other hand, need to stop being the crutch, and the fixer of everything. The one who enables his behavior. I need to stop being so controlling and learn how to fully let go of the past. I need to learn how to admit when I’m wrong too. To speak up in the moment rather than letting it fester. Ignoring all of the problems has only gotten us a toxic relationship. For so long I allowed all of the burdens to fall on me because I wanted to make things easy for him. To protect him and give him what he never had growing up: unconditional love. And that did way more harm than good. It didn’t allow him to grow or be responsible for his actions. Then there were all of the things that we left unsaid, or refused to address. The grudges that we held onto just ended up turning us into people that couldn’t get along. A broken family that was trying to force itself into something that didn’t fit anymore. And I know that my daughter deserves so much better than that. I deserve better than that. He deserves better than that.

The night before our divorce was to be finalized through the court I put our daughter to bed, and we talked. We spoke about the good memories. We talked about the reasons why our marriage had failed. Each of us taking responsibility for the areas that we were at fault for. We laid everything out. There were apologies, tears, expressed regret, smiles, and laughs. We talked about our daughter and wanting the best for her. We talked about the reasons why we never had another child. I spoke about how much love I still had for him, but that I needed him to understand why we weren't working anymore. We talked about wanting to continue being a family even if it was going to look a little different from now on. He will always be Emery's father, and I will always want him in her life. We talked about future living arrangements that would need to be made sooner rather than later. We talked about being each other’s biggest supporters, and wanting the best for each other. We both admitted that there were a lot of things that we each needed to work on individually, but we made a promise to always put our daughter’s well-being first. To get along for her sake no matter what the future held for us. We spent over an hour in conversation, and it ended with “I love you’s”. When I finally went to sleep that night I felt at peace about our situation.

On November 28th, I walked into the courtroom a ball of nerves and knots inside of my stomach. I sat there quietly as the docket was read. My lawyer explained that there would be a series of questions, and then the judge would sign off on our paperwork. When my turn came I focused solely on my lawyer as I answered what was being asked. Any chance of reconciliation? No. Was I pregnant? No. Did I understand what I was asking the court? Yes. Did we agree on the division of assets? Yes. And after five more minutes of questioning the judge re-read the decree before stamping the document. And that was it. Ten years of marriage had officially come to an end. It felt surreal and sad. I walked out of the building as quickly as I could. I was now an ex-wife. A divorcee. And I felt like throwing up on the sidewalk outside of the courthouse. But I didn’t. Instead, I went to work. I stayed positive and finished my day on a good note. I loved on my daughter, and we all sat down to watch a Hallmark movie together. We cooked dinner and talked about each of our day's. The upcoming dance and recital, that both he and I were making sure to have marked on our phone calendars. Both so excited, and proud of our little girl.  

I pushed every little emotion down until the very end of our day. Moving through the motions. After Emery was asleep and my now ex-husband was sitting in the computer room doing some work I closed myself off in the bathroom. In the shower is where I finally let myself cry. I sat down, arms wrapped around my legs, and I felt a numbness spread across my chest. Overwhelming sadness. Because even though I knew we were doing the right thing it didn’t make it any easier. Just the thought of us going our separate ways soon is enough to make me catch my breath. Living in separate houses. Having separate lives. That was a much harder pill to swallow than I thought it would be. In fact, I’m still trying to processes it. Why, you may ask? I don't think there's one single answer. Maybe it was the twelve years together? Ten of those married. Maybe it’s because I honest to God never pictured this outcome coming to fruition? I really thought we would overcome all of this. Maybe it’s because of all we’ve gone through together? The good and the bad. Or maybe it’s because no matter what he will always be the punk rock loving, emo drummer boy with the beautiful eyes and playful smirk that I fell in love with all of those years ago? The guy who swept me off of my feet, and led me away to California. Who showed me that there was something else beyond my tiny little town. Adventures, friendships, and love so intense that it hurt to be apart. And having to let him go was not something I was prepared for. I still don't feel ready. But are we ever? 

Wordless Wednesday

Divorce - Part One

As some of you may know, in October of last year, I filed for a divorce. It was by far one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made. When the petition was filed there was a section that stated that neither I nor my husband could talk about each other on any kind of public platform while everything was pending. We both signed off on it and went about our lives. Then, that following November, he was arrested. I believe that’s the last I talked about him on here. And what I originally thought was going to be a pretty quick divorce turned into over a year of waiting. Which I was told was due to us being amicable. Since there was no fighting, no restraining orders, or disagreements on child custody our divorce wasn’t seen as needing to be rushed. And well, a lot has happened since last October that I wasn’t allowed to talk about until now. 

My husband was released from jail right before New Years. He came home clean and sober. He was thinking clearer and told me that he didn’t blame me for filing for a divorce. However, he asked for the opportunity to show us that he wanted to be with us. As a family. The second week of January he got a job with a contractor and things were going really well. We were actually getting along, and the fighting had stopped. With his income, we were finally starting to put money aside, and our bills were getting paid on time. Before their due dates even. We had a conversation about following through with the divorce, but that it was just a piece of paper. If we were really committed to giving things another shot a piece of paper was not going to interfere with that decision. I was really hopeful for what this next year was going to bring, and I couldn’t wait for this next chapter.

On our daughter’s birthday, we celebrated at a trampoline/gymnastics gym. As the majority of the guests arrived several of the adults decided to try out one of the bigger trampolines. As I went around greeting everyone I heard someone say, “Oh my God!”. Several of the kids scrambled off of the big trampoline, and one of my husband’s aunt’s said “It’s his foot. He broke his foot.” After an emergency visit, and a week in a cast he was prepped for surgery. The damage was so severe that he would have to have a plate and several screws put into his foot. Of course, it was an accident, and I did not blame him for it. It could have easily been one of the kids or another adult. However, with the cost of the emergency room, the surgery, and the doctor’s visits our small savings was depleted rather quickly. Not to mention recovery could take up to eight months. It was back to a single income, and budgeting every little penny. And that's when things got difficult again. 

It was during those next eight months that things started to gradually slide backward. First, it was locking his phone. Then it was messages in the middle of the night. Old friends started to show back up. Which was followed by my daughter asking me if her father had a girlfriend. We spoke about it, and everything was denied. Things settled down. We had some nights out as a family. He was at home with our daughter and they were bonding. We all spent a lot of time together. But that peace only lasted briefly. By July there were hundreds of text messages to a particular number that I recognized. There were several messages on Facebook. Yes, I invaded his privacy by logging into his account. And then there were pictures. I remember that I got angry, and I felt humiliated. But as I sat there one particular morning, his phone in my hand as he slept, all I could feel was defeat. So, I let it go. I was depressed, and my anxiety was becoming more prominent in my day-to-day. Paired with low self-esteem, and this need to keep everything together. Us together. I let it go. I sat the phone back down and went about my day.

In August, when I asked about a particular text message that I saw pop up on his screen I was told, “What does it matter? You’re not my wife anymore.” Then the following week we vacationed in New Mexico with my family, together. We came back and things felt different for a little while. I was starting to feel that mental fog by this point though. I was struggling to keep things afloat financially, and I started to distance myself from him. From everyone really. I found drug paraphernalia in the car. Then one morning in my home. I smashed it all to pieces and left a note. I blamed myself for his actions though. I wasn’t a good wife. I wasn’t understanding enough. I didn’t do my part to make him happy. I didn’t give my all to him. I nagged too much. I was too distant with him. I was too controlling. I believed that I deserved everything that was happening because I wasn’t good enough. 

September equaled more of the same problems. It also brought with it an argument where things got a bit physical. Before you start feeling bad for me just know there was a time when I'd get physical too. Though never in front of our daughter, AND it's been years. Doesn't excuse ANYTHING though. I got help for my anger. But on that morning I remember looking out of the corner of my eye as profanities were being spat in my face, hands on me, and seeing my daughter quietly tiptoe backward out of the room. This look of sadness and fear on her face. And something inside of me cracked that morning. I kept telling myself that this was all wrong. This was not what I wanted my daughter to think of as being normal. But instead of standing up I became docile. I dismissed his behavior just like that. I let the words bounce off of me anytime they were thrown in my direction. When things were said, or an argument began I just put a smile on for my daughter and we’d leave the house. “I’m not putting up with this.” I’d say as I’d walk out the door. But clearly, I was. By this time everything was starting to become too much for me emotionally. All of my coping techniques were no longer working. My depression had me not wanting to move most days. I’d force myself, and walk through the motions. I had responsibilities after all. But I honestly felt like a shell. And then in October, my husband was finally told he could go back to work. He was able to go back with the same contractor as before, and at the beginning of November, he was placed on probation as part of a plea deal. In my mind, this meant that things had to get better. For him. For us. My hope was that he’d get back to that clear-headed state he was in when he first got out of jail. That was the man I needed in my life. That was the man I wanted.

At this same time, I decided to make an appointment with my doctor. On top of all the turmoil at home, I was having minor health issues. I wanted to feel better, and the only way for that process to start was to get everything checked out. So, I did. And as I stated in a previous post I felt better within a week. By Thanksgiving break, I felt like my brain was working the way it had before. I was standing my ground. I felt clear headed. I was putting more energy into the people and things I felt were important to me. Things were starting to click, and it’s as if a veil was being lifted off of my eyes. Sometimes, it would feel as if I was sitting back watching something unfold and thinking, “Wow...has this really been going on this whole time? Is this what it’s been like?” My eyes felt wide open for the first time in what felt like years. Then shortly after Thanksgiving, there was another argument. Only this time it was different because I was different. And as soon as the words, “You dumb bitch,” tumbled out of his mouth as he tried to prove a point I knew that I was done. I was done being the verbal punching bag. I was done being told that I was the reason for his misery. I was done being told that his actions were all my fault. That if I just did what he wanted everything would be okay. I was done being an afterthought. I was done being lied to. I was done being disrespected. That night, as I walked into Walmart to request some moving boxes, I felt this sense of freedom. Not necessarily because of my decision, but because it felt like I was finally taking back control. Of me. Of my life. Of my future.

Weight Loss - Weigh In - November 2018

Well, for November I finally received some answers in regards to my health & weight. And as it turns out there were quite a few things going on. The culprits: Free T3 (thyroid), testosterone (hormones), and vitamin D (self explanatory). The first two were very low, and my vitamin D was depleted. The combination of all three issues were causing me to gain weight, have very little energy, experience constant fatigue, and have a very low sex drive. All of these symptoms were also causing my depression and anxiety to worsen. Which is why I probably couldn’t keep my shit together with my normal coping techniques. And this is just the tip of the iceberg, y’all. I’m actually really glad that I went in and had my blood work done. Finally hearing that there was a reason why all of my hard work wasn’t paying off, and that it wasn’t something that I was doing wrong made me feel a lot better. It had nothing to do with my efforts. Or “not wanting it bad enough”. So now I begin the process of trying to get everything to balance back out.

Starting Weight (SW): 189 lbs
Current Weight (CW): 189.4 lbs
Goal Weight (GW): 160 lbs

I haven’t started back up on my diet just yet. I did, however, start to cut back on several things. With the exception of those four days during Thanksgiving break, I’ve actually been doing really well with portion control. My goal for the first week of December is to cut back down on my caffeine intake, and I’m wanting to incorporate more veggies into my daily diet.

As for fitness, well….I ran once this entire month. I went to the gym once too. I’m currently working on a schedule for December, and I’m hoping I can stick with it. However, December is usually a busy one for us so we shall see. I'm confident that I'll be more active than I have been the past few months though. That's the fitness goal I've set for myself. 

Mentally, I am doing so much better. I posted about being put on medication, and how I was feeling a few weeks ago. Since then it’s only gotten better. It’s as if I was in this fog, and it’s finally lifted. Now, I just need to work on my motivation. Because I’ll be honest, since the days have been getting darker earlier, it’s been hard to mentally push myself into doing much of anything.

Overall, I’m feeling really good about getting back on the path to happy & healthy. There are several things I want to work on like: running at least three times a week, cutting out junk food, lowering caffeine intake, and getting all of my issues back on track. I know that December isn’t going to be an easy month, but I do feel strong enough to handle it. I feel strong enough to push through and get back into a consistent routine. So, I’m actually looking forward to it.

Wordless Wednesday

Thanksgiving

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday. We spent it between two homes, and I was able to see family that I hadn’t seen in a few months. There was a lot of baby holding. There was a lot of food, and Espresso Chocolate pie. I’m pretty sure that the TV stayed on The Hallmark Channel the entire four days too. It was a much needed little mini-vacation for me. As Sunday came to an end I sat on my couch just silently taking everything in. December is bringing in some changes for us, and it was a little bittersweet. But I’m truly thankful for the moments we all had over those four days. I’m grateful for my family. 

Wordless Wednesday

Plans for this Week & Blog Changes

It’s finally Thanksgiving week and I’m actually pretty excited about it, y’all. We have family on my side coming down, and we’re going to have it at my parent’s house this year. And the best part is that I don’t even have to cook! Not that I have before, I’m usually in charge of drinks or salads because ya girl doesn’t cook. Emery has the whole week off from school, and my time off starts on Thursday. That’s four days of no workie and I’m ready for it! My brother and his family are coming down too which means I get to see my little man! I intend to take full advantage before those wittle chubby cheeks disappear for good. I’m NOT okay with him growing up so fast, Kim. Make him stop. Anyway, it should be a pretty laid back week. Definitely some running, and possibly some hiking. Now, instead of the usual book review post today we’re going to switch things up a bit. And in all honesty, I didn’t even have the reviews ready sooo…..yea...

First, and the most obvious, I finally changed up the look of this little blog of mine. It’s different, but hopefully in a good way. I’m still working on a few tweaks here and there, but for the most part, I think it’s all functioning correctly. Woohoo for a change! Second, I wanted to address the content on here really quickly. If things have come off a bit like “filler/fluff pieces”, you’re not wrong. And I know that I said I would never do that, but there are some things I can’t share just yet so I avoided those subjects altogether. Sometimes, this caused me to feel like I was coming off as fake. Also, as most of you know I’ve been dealing with depression, anxiety, and some other issues. And to be completely honest with y'all, I didn’t want that to be reflected on here. I didn’t want my depression to take hold of my writing either. It would have made for some pretty downer reads. So instead, I fluffed and glossed over. Trust me, there are plenty of drafts stored away that I wanted to unleash into the world, but I wasn’t able to at the time. In most cases, that was probably a good thing. I re-read some of them over the weekend and thought, “Oooh, girl you would have regretted that so much.” So, it was definitely for the best. However, I promise to dive into the “why” a bit more going into December. And that means that I’ll be back to the normal not-so-fluffy style of posts very soon. You’re welcome.

And finally, I'm considering removing my watermark on certain images and rethinking the posting schedule. But we'll see. After looking back at previous posts I noticed that it felt more organic. I posted when I wanted, and when I had something to say. I still plan on posting book reviews, and the "currently post" for the month like always.  But everything else will be up in the air for now. Then again, I could totally change my mind about all of this tomorrow. Like I said, I'm still tweaking with some things. So yea, that about sums it up. There will be a lot of stuff for me to work on soon, and I just hope I can get it all done before the end of the year. Wish me luck! 

Wordless Wednesday

Getting Help and Feeling Better

For a while now I’ve felt my depression creeping up on me. Especially in the quiet moments. So, I kept myself busy. I turned to my usual coping techniques. And for the most part, I kept a lot of it at bay. I dragged my ass out of bed every morning, shook off the sadness, and kept moving forward. Sometimes with a smile; sometimes not so much. I surrounded myself with family, and I’ve done my best to stay positive. But the last week of October I felt everything intensify a bit. My normal stress & depression management techniques were no longer working. I cried; a lot. I felt really alone, even when I knew that I wasn’t. I had moments when I didn’t even want to leave my room. And even though there was a lot I felt happy about; there was like this feeling of sadness that hung over me. Financially, I was finally getting some breathing room so I felt that particular stressor starting to ease a bit. But then, I got the news about the car. And it just felt like for every step forward I made I was taking three leaps backward. So, that’s when I decided to make an appointment with my medical doctor and keep it regardless of how much it was going to cost.

If you’ve been reading this blog for a while then you know I talk a lot about seeking help when you need it. I’m a huge supporter of counseling and therapy. I also think that medications are a great tool to help you get back to being balanced. To feeling better. Whether it’s short term or long term, I say get the help that YOU need. However, that still didn’t stop me from feeling a bit of shame as I walked into my doctor’s building. I honestly couldn’t believe that I wasn’t able to handle all of my emotions and mental state on my own. “C’mon, Raquel, how many times are we going to go through this?” I kept thinking to myself. But then, my doctor walked in. She sat down with me and we talked for about forty-five minutes. We covered everything, y’all. My personal life, work schedule, how I was feeling, what I normally do to keep things in check, and she had me walk her through what an anxiety attack felt like for me this time around. And as I sat there letting everything spill out I actually started crying. “Do you see this? I have no idea why I’m crying right now, but it happens a lot,” I told her. She gave me a hug and told me everything was going to be okay. And all be damned if I didn’t feel some weight lift off of my shoulders. We talked about my previous medication plan, what goals I was wanting to reach, and based off of that she suggested that we stick with the previous plan. I had some blood work done, and then she sent me on my way.

It’s been a week now and I feel so much better, y’all. SO. MUCH. BETTER. I’m sleeping through the nights. I haven’t had a random crying session since that day at the office. I feel more in control of myself. There isn’t this lingering sadness that stains my days. The little things are not bothering me, and even though I’m a worrier I’ve been able to keep it from stressing me out. I can tell that I’m thinking clearer, and I actually feel mentally lighter if that makes sense? So, now that my medication has kicked in I’ll be working on getting back into a workout routine. And I‘ll start back up with my coping/ self-care techniques. Rereading some books that have helped me out tremendously when I go through times like these. And overall, just focusing on getting back to healthy. Both mentally and physically.

So, now I just want to end this post by saying: If you think you need some help, please go get it. Whether it’s a seasonal thing, or something way more serious and intense. Make the call. Talk to your doctor, or find a counselor. There are so many programs out there that will help you out, and several services that are income based. You don’t have to live life feeling like everything is hopeless. Like you’re drowning. There are short-term plans, and longer ones tailored to your specific needs. But it’s up to you. Be open; be honest. Put in the work. And fuck what anyone else thinks. Getting help, and wanting to feel better should never be something that you’re made to feel ashamed of.

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You Get What You Give

I wish I had a lengthy post for you today about how this quote pertained to my current situation, and how it changed something for me. Or that I had some grand speech that gave you some kind of encouragement for today. But honestly, my reason for selecting this particular quote is because someone recently asked me, “Why the fuck does bad shit always happen to me?!” And as I sat there, listening, my first thought was, “Have you ever thought that maybe it has to do with all of that bad juju you send out into the world?” Now, before you get all “Ooh, Raquel, why you being so bitchy?" let me just say that I've already mentioned this to this exact person before. All it did was make them angry as well as get me scolded. Accused of being a horrible person which I may very well have been for saying what I did. So, there really was no point in me repeating these words out loud again. And, in order to not throw out any of my own bad vibes I just replied with, “I’m really sorry. Don’t worry, we’ll figure it out. Everything will be okay.” I did my best to help out the situation, and we looked into solutions.

Now, I’m a big believer in putting out good energy. Even when I’m depressed, or having a shit day I try my best to be positive. To be kind. So, a few days ago, when I came across this quote in a random ass google search it reminded me of that conversation. And viola! here we are. So, let’s just call this your friendly reminder to not be a dick, okay? I know that we all have our moments, and I know that there are days when we are tested. Sometimes beyond what anyone should have to tolerate. And, I know that we’re humans who make mistakes. Life is hard too, I get it, believe me. But every once in awhile, think about sending out some good energy and positive vibes, ya? Do something for some else just because. Let the person behind you at the checkout line go ahead of you. Donate that extra dollar for charity that the lady in the drive thru speaker at Taco Bell is asking if you’d like added to your total. Think about the person who just cut you off or laid on their horn because you weren't moving fast enough for them, and wish them a good day. Think about the words you’re putting out there too. The intentions. Because it all comes back, y’all. You get what you give.

Happy Friday, Folks! 

Wordless Wednesday

Ready for November

October has come and gone. It feels like it didn’t last very long this year, y’all. As soon as the 31st passed it’s like all remnants of October were wiped away, and Christmas replaced it all. Fall is basically skipped which is sooo weird to me. To top it all off, Halloween this year was a bit of a bust for us. It rained basically all day, and even though we did get a few dry hours in the evening we weren’t able to bring the doggies with us. It was so muddy, and cold enough that Emery had to wear a jacket over her costume. Then there was a delay at the car rental office which caused us to miss getting to the nursing homes on time so we were disappointed about that too. Still, we made the best of it! Lemons into lemonade, and all that. We made our way through several neighborhoods, and by the end of the night Emery had a bucket full of candy and I had Starbucks in my hand. Win, win. 

And now it’s November! Last week, I forgot to schedule this post, which is why you’re getting it today. With a few edits. You see, on Thursday we had to wake up at 2 AM in order to go with my parents into the city for my dad’s surgery. What was supposed to be a two hour (max) procedure turned into almost four and a half. And I spent three days having to drive back and forth (5 hours round trip) before they finally released him. By the time we got back home on Saturday afternoon we were exhausted, and I barely had time to get on here. Sorry, guys! Anyway, my dad is now at home; resting. This passed weekend we had to do a few of his errands, and I was reminded of just how much we depend on him for things. So, I told him he’s not allowed to get sick or have surgery ever again. He’s just gunna have to suck it up. Ha! I'm kidding. Kind of. All of that aside, I’m glad that he’s feeling better, and the issue was fixed. They told him to take it easy for the next two weeks, but with his stubbornness it won’t be too long before he’s back at the gym with me. Even if it's just to boss me around. The man does not know how to stay at home and do nothing. But he wouldn't be the bad ass that he is if he didn't have that trait. 

So, that’s how our month started off. We also learned the fate of our car, which was more bad news. And then I found out that our health insurance “wellness” check-up no longer includes mental health or blood work. Just paps. There's so much wrong with this, but it's what you get when you have less than ideal health insurance. I can't complain though because our boss pays for it. Now, I know I need to get everything checked out, but when I was told the cost would be over $100 up front if I wanted to do the "full wellness" I just couldn't afford it. Can you believe that's how much a doctor's visit cost? So, it looks like I’ll have to hold off on all of this other stuff for now. And since I have no control over any of these things going on right now I'm just trying to roll with the punches. I know that everything happens for a reason so I’m choosing to stay positive about what's going on. Despite all of the setbacks I’m really looking forward to this new month though. I'm ready for the leaves to start turning colors, and for the cold weather that's supposed to start coming in. Hello, 50 degree days! I'm ready for you! I'm also excited for Thanksgiving, and the relatives who plan to come visit this year. Plus, hello, Hallmark Channel Christmas movies have started rolling out! So yea, I'm ready for November. I have a feeling it's going to be a good one. 

Wordless Wednesday

Weight Loss - Weigh In - October 2018

October, in general, has been a pretty decent month. Work has picked up which is good. Emery has done really well in both gymnastics and dance. I had a “proud mom” moment at both lessons last week when I was told that she was advancing really quickly at both! She’s been really excited about her progress lately, and even though I tell her she’s doing a great job it means that much more for her to hear it coming from her teachers. I totally get it. So, she’s been having a blast! I will say that the only downside was an unfortunate incident involving our car and a deer last week. And while the damage seemed relatively small it turns out that the “internal structure” was compromised. This means that the insurance company could consider it a total loss. And with how much is owed versus the worth of the car...we could be looking at some trouble. But, since I can’t do much about the situation other than wait to hear what they say, I’m trying not to worry about it too much. Now, in the weight loss department, October has been total crap. Not even going to lie. I felt really defeated after my last weigh in, and I was pretty angry too. I felt like I had been working really hard, and putting in so much damn effort that was getting me nowhere. So, what did I do? I sabotaged. And you’ll definitely see that in the stats below. I won’t be posting “progress” pictures as there was no “progress”.

Starting Weight (SW): 189 lbs
Current Weight (CW): 186.2 lbs
Goal Weight (GW): 160 lbs

My nails were horrible and I was not about to subject y'all to that view

Since, I was frustrated with the lack of progress I ate like crap the first two weeks of October. I’m talking cake for breakfast, pizzas, cheeseburgers, fried chicken, sodas, chips/cookies, and copious amounts of chocolate whenever the hell I felt like it. I didn’t give a fuck. If I was hungry, I was going to eat, and I didn’t care that I was making bad food choices. However, I could totally feel the difference in my body the entire time. My skin was oily, I broke out, I had a lot of headaches, and I felt bloated 24/7. Then I got sick with a cold and crap did it last forever. Seven days actually. It took a lot out of me, and I have a feeling that it wouldn’t have been so bad if I had been eating better. Instead I felt sluggish, and tired no matter how much rest I got. My water intake also suffered. I went down to 2-4 cups per day, and I started drinking sweet tea again. I threw in some soda for good measure too. My caffeine intake also went back up in both coffee, and energy drinks. So, all around it was just bad.

My activity level tanked as well. Big time. I went to the gym about four times  (total) this whole month. Yup, that bad. I had no motivation whatsoever, and my hips were giving me some grief so I easily used that as an excuse. My workouts were half-assed, and I didn’t care either. It wasn’t until last week that I decided it was time to back into the gym. It took a lot of work to get me to walk through those doors though. I only went two days instead of my normal four to five, but once I made myself go I started to feel better. That first mile run after going without for so long felt pretty damn amazing too. I was slow, but my body felt like it was buzzing afterwards. It was tired, and sore in the best way possible. So, here’s hoping that this week I can get back to my normal workout schedule again. I want November to be better.

Mentally, things are have been just, blah. It’s kind of hard to explain what I’ve been feeling lately too. Words are just...not quiet enough? It’s like being anxious, but not too anxious. Being tired, but not too tired. Stressing out, but not so much that my anxiety is taking over. Feeling down, but not really depressed. Waking up sad, and having to push through it. Kind of numb to a lot of things, but not so much that I haven’t been happy too. And it’s this jumbled mess of emotions that seem to all hit at the same damn time too. So, I finally made an appointment for this month to go get some blood work done, and to talk to my doctor about what all has been going on. Symptoms, feelings, my cycle, the whole shebang. I know that I want to work on not having to take medications in order to balance myself out, but until I figure out what all is going on with my body (as well as a solution for it) I know that I need some help right now. So, I plan on getting it.

Overall, October was not my month in the weight loss area. That’s okay though. I’m not going to beat myself up over it. I’m going to try a different work out schedule going into November in order to mix things up. As of today I’m back to healthy eating choices. Well, mostly-- I did get a few pieces of chocolate candy this morning. I grabbed Lean Cuisine meals for lunch this week in order to help me make the shift back to salads and lean meats going forward. I can’t just go all or nothing in this department so I use things to help me transition. I also opted for protein bars for when I get hungry, and want to snack. My water intake today wasn’t bad either, but I want to get back to 10-12 cups per day. Now, the entire time I was sabotaging my diet and exercise plan I knew in my mind that it was just going to be a setback. And I still did it. I think that it was mostly done out of frustration. I had this whole, “Well if nothing seems to be fucking working why the hell am I doing this?!” mentality going on. Looking back on how I went about it I know that there needs to be a change in that area. Even if there’s no movement on the scale I need to focus on how eating better makes me feel better. So, my goals for November are to get back to working out 4-5 times a week, increase water intake to 8 cups per day, and to drop a minimum of four pounds. Here's to a new month, huh? Here's to reaching the goals I've set for myself. 

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Taos, New Mexico

Back at the end of August we went to New Mexico for a short last minute vacation with my family. I tried to summit Wheeler Peak, but didn’t quite make it. I wrote about our little adventure here, and here. What I never got around to writing about was our second day there in Taos. We were able to explore the town, and even walk around their local farmers market. We ate some great food, and sampled some CBD products. We were able to check out some local shops, a neighboring town, and even walked across the Rio Grande Gorge Bridge. It made for a pretty great day filled with family, and laughs. And there was something about Taos that drew us all in. Maybe it was the simplicity of it, or the laid back way of life? Maybe it was the cleaner air, or the mountains? Whatever it was, we just hated the idea of having to leave it all behind. We often found ourselves talking about how we were all meant to live there, or at the very least a place similar to it. Sadly, our responsibilities came calling. And as we made our way up the winding road that led us back to Texas I couldn’t help but to look out the rear window. Trying my best to commit it all to memory. To remember what it felt like. How it made me feel. I know that we’ll go back there one day. And maybe the next time I'll make it to the top of Wheeler Peak. Until then I have some pretty great moments captured that can take me back whenever I start to feel that pull.

For our second full day in Toas we all woke up and headed across the street for some much needed coffee. My legs were slightly sore at first, but all other signs of us having hiked over six miles were practically gone. We all climbed into the van, and made our way to the center of town which is called the historic district. After snagging a few shirts, and souvenirs at the little "I LOVE TAOS Co." shop we walked out into the plaza which was holding a farmers market. Y'all, this place was so neat! They had food cooking, and it smelled heavenly. Several vendors had both regular, and vegetarian/vegan options. They also had several musicians playing their music, and people dancing around. Swaying out in the lawn. We made our way over to "Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory" so that the kids could get some chocolate covered bananas. Minus the chocolate for my nephew. Then we headed back out to look at various vendors that were set up around the plaza. We stopped to sample some honey that's made by the "Taos Honey Co.". They let us know more about their company, and the products that they offered. They even have have a CBD wellness line of honey that's THC-free hemp infused. It tasted really yummy, and we ended up buying a small container. 3 oz. lasted about a month. Next up we checked out the local outside library. We browsed some of their books, and they had some pretty great deals. Emery ended up buying something she wanted before we made our way over to a booth with a huge banner that read "Wumaniti Earth Native Sanctuary". We spoke with the founder of the company, and she explained what their mission was all about: Sustaining Agricultural,  Economic and Healing Lifestyle within Cultural Communities. They offered a wide range of products, which I'll post about on their own, but out of everything I sampled I enjoyed the oils the best. Once we were finished browsing the booths we headed toward this really neat little toy store called "Twirl" so that the kids could explore. Y'all this place was so cool! Not only was it a toy store, but they also had an outdoor play place for the kids. And on the second floor they had a huge room filled with toys, plush chairs, and various games that the kids could play. We spent about an hour in that place, and the kids had a blast.  

After all of the shopping we got done it was time for food. When we asked a local for recommendations we were directed towards "Orlando's New Mexican Cafe". Now, don't let the "Mexican" in that name fool you. They did not, I repeat- NOT, offer rice and beans. I know, right? Once I got passed the shock, and as it was quickly pointed out to me that the name read "New Mexican" I moved on with my order. I opted for the "Create Your Own Bowl" selection with chicken as the main meat. And let me just say that the food was actually really tasty.  It was a perfect day out so we opted to sit outside. Everyone talked, ate, and laughed. We left with full bellies, and I totally recommend that you check out this little cafe if you're ever in the area! 

After our late lunch we headed out to the Rio Grande Gorge Bridge. This sucker is 1,280 feet long, y'all. It's also the second highest bridge on the U.S. Highway System. We walked to about the midway point, and it was a little unsettling. The wind starts to pick up, and you can feel the bridge vibrating as cars drive across it. I held on to the railing as I made my way down, but once the bridge hits open space I could feel my stomach drop a bit. They had these emergence call buttons placed on both sides of the bridge, and you kind of find yourself wondering about how often they've actually been used. We took some pictures, and leaned out a bit to see the drop below. My dad kept telling us "No dejes ir! No sueltes la barandilla." (Don't let go! Don't let go of the rail.) the entire time we were walking across. And once we made it to these sections that jutted out I was scolded a bit for letting go, and allowing Emery to stick her hands out. Once we made our way back to the car, we drove across the bridge, and pulled into a rest stop that had a trail entrance. Make sure you have cash if you ever stop here as they have several little vendors that offer hand made items. We walked a few feet passed the entrance before we noticed a section that veered off to the left of the trail. This allowed us to get closer to the edge of the drop off. And with a somewhat queasy stomach I walked out as close to the edge as I could get before finally sitting down. I can still remember my hair whipping around my face, and the small adrenaline rush that came with being inches away from that edge. We could see a rain storm making it's way in the distance, and just as we started the walk back to the parking area we saw a sandstorm headed our way. All of the little vendors started packing up their things, and we all climbed back into our van in order to head off towards our next destination. 

For our final stop we headed back out towards Wheeler Peak. Before you actually get to Taos Ski Valley there is a small village with shops, and then there are several areas where you can pull over in order to camp out or spend the day. We found a little section where we could walk around, and headed down towards a little river. The water was so cold, but Emery had a fun as she walked across a section in her bare feet. I snapped a few pictures, and after about thirty minutes we all climbed back into the vehicle. I looked into stopping at this little community called Taos Pueblo, but they were about to close to visitors. For the cost to get in, we’d only have about twenty minutes to explore and it just wasn’t worth it. However, if you ever get the chance to go visit I’m betting it would be a pretty cool experience. It’s a Native American community which is considered to be the oldest continuously inhabited one in the United States. I was actually bummed that we didn’t get to go in. And that’s about all for our adventure. We ended up heading back to the hotel so that everyone could hop into the pool. We were greeted with a sandstorm just as we headed into our rooms which was such a cool thing to witness, y’all! After some pool time we all had dinner, and then turned in for the night. We had an eleven hour drive the next day, and we needed to make sure everything was packed. 

Looking back, it was such an awesome trip. I wish we could have stayed longer. We spent time as a family, and we laughed so much. It’s trips like that that I want to have more of in my life. Being able to enjoy the company of the people I love most in this world while exploring new places is such an important thing to me. And I want Emery to always remember that. I want her to know that even when things are hard you should always appreciate the time spent with family. You know? Be in that moment. Love your family. Enjoy that time together. Because life passes by all too quickly. And when you start to look back you can see that those moments are truly priceless.

Wordless Wednesday

31

So, yesterday was my birthday. My feelings about thirty-one aren’t nearly as “doom and gloom” as my feelings for thirty were last year. Do I feel any smarter? Nope. Is there an extra pep in my step? Nah. Have I experienced any major growth in the past year? Negative, ghost rider. And I think that lack of growth is what I found to be the disappointing part about thirty. Because I was really hoping for a not-so-subtle mindshift, you know? People have always told me that thirty is the time that you grow into yourself. Start to find comfort in who you are and ignore the bullshit. And well, I honestly don’t think that I’m there yet. Maybe it’s because I feel stuck sometimes? Maybe it’s because there are things in my life that haven’t turned out the way I had hoped? Or maybe I just still have a lot of growing up to do? But I’m here, y’all! And I’m super grateful for that. Truly. I was able to have another year with my family. I was able to be present for another year of my daughter’s life. I was able to experience some incredible moments with the people I hold most dear in my life. Even with the rough times that I’ve experienced this year I’m so damn happy to be here. So, regardless of my feelings about the actual number itself, and what it represents to me, I’m thankful to have made it to thirty-one.

So, here’s to another orbit around the Sun. God willing. Here’s to reaching as many goals as I can. Here’s to spending more on experiences rather than on things. Here to getting my shit together. Fingers crossed. Here’s to being patient with myself, and others. Here’s to accepting the things that I cannot change.  Like that I'm never getting 8+ hours of sleep ever again. Here’s to learning how to fully love myself, those permanent under eye bags (passed down by my father), and my body. Here’s to getting my anxiety into check. Here’s to less social media, and more face-to-face time with the people I care about. Here’s to truly appreciating how far I’ve come. Even if it’s baby steps. And finally, here’s to growth. To change. And moving forward. 

Here’s to 31.

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Currently - October

I’d like to start off with saying that today is my husband’s birthday. Happy Birthday, love. Here’s to many more years for you to look forward to. And if those statements confuse you I promise it will all make sense soon. Anyway, moving on, this whole week has been cold and wet here in my little part of Texas. It hasn’t stopped raining since Saturday. I was totally good with the storms at the beginning of the week, but by Wednesday it was just this non stop pouring. So, now I’m kind of over it. Unfortunately, the forecast keeps telling us that there won’t be an end to the rain until the week of Halloween. I’m hoping that we get a few dry days in between because the ground needs it. Plus, some neighboring towns need relief from the flooding. Still, there’s not much we can do about it. So I’ll just keep thanking mother nature for whatever she brings our way; good and bad. Another thing on my mind lately has been writing. More specifically: blogging and the direction that it’s all heading. However, that’s a post for another time. I just wanted to give you a heads up for now. Anywho, now let's get into the currently post for this month.

Playing: I’m not listening to anything specific. It’s mainly been a random mess of songs that I’ve thrown together into a playlist called “Let Go”. If you follow me on Spotify you’ll quickly realize that I’m a creature of habit when it comes to my tunes. I’ll listen to the “Daily Mixes” & “Discovery Mix” that Spotify curates for me in order to get some new stuff thrown in from time to time. But my running playlists seem to be the ones I listen to, and edit regularly. Still, if you’re wanting some new material: Russ released a new album last month called “ZOO” which is pretty great. I’m a fan of anything this man puts out really. And Twenty One Pilots released their long awaited album “Trench” that’s been getting a lot of praises. Both albums are definitely worth giving a listen to in my opinion.

Reading: So, last month I mentioned wanting to read “The Simple Wild” by K.A. Tucker. It did not disappoint, y’all. You can read my review of it here, and I’m pretty sure there aren’t any spoilers. Anyway, it was a great read! I highly recommend it if you’re into some light contemporary romance. For this month, I’d like to read “IDOL” by Kristen Callihan. Now, I enjoy rockstar romances when they’re done well, and I’ve probably only read a handful that I can honestly say I’ve liked. The others were just “too much” if that makes sense? Too over the top, or too cheesy? The writing might have sucked, or it read more like a porno than a story. So, after I read the reviews for “IDOL” I decided to read the sample. It definitely caught my attention, and drew me in. So, I really feel like it’s going to be a good solid read for me. I plan on purchasing a copy it next week.

Watching: So, if you have Amazon Prime, I highly recommend that you check out "Jack Ryan". If you didn’t already know, this series is based off of the Tom Clancy book character. However, they will not follow the books as this series is intended to be set in the present day. John Krasinski is really great in this series, y’all! Some of his best work, acting wise, I think. Then again, I haven’t seen “A Quiet Place” so I might be wrong? Still, this series kept me guessing during every single episode. All of the actors did a wonderful job in this series too. Definitely keep an eye out for Dina Shihabi. Man, she was fantastic!  Now, I have seen plenty of government/action/spy type of works that are out there and I'm comfortable saying that this show can stand on its own. If you’re into films like the Bourne series I definitely think you’ll enjoy this show. Over on Hulu I’ve been watching “The Good Doctor”. To simplify it, the show is about an autistic doctor named Shaun Murphy who has savant syndrome and aspires to be a great surgeon. However, his journey is not an easy one, and is often met with resistance from his colleagues. Now, this show takes an episode or two to get you warmed up to it, but what eventually drew me in was how they took on the obstacles that Shaun has to face. And even though I’ve never personally met anyone who is autistic it definitely shed a light on the condition for me. I’m only halfway through the first season, but it’s definitely promising. If you like shows that are similar to Grey’s Anatomy (minus all of the hooking up) then I think you should check this one out. It also airs on Monday nights on ABC, and is currently at the beginning of season two.  

And that concludes the currently for this month. If you have any other suggestions be sure to drop me a line either on here, or any of my other social media pages. Links are all at the top. I'm always on the lookout for new artists, films, or books so I'm totally open to recommendations. Until the next post, Happy Friday folks!