Random Thoughts // One - Twenty One - Twenty
Tuesday, January 21, 2020
Today, I'm not going to write about one specific thing. I don’t want to think about anything for too long either, really. Not today. My head hurts, and coffee isn't even touching it. And, to be quite honest, I’m not feeling up to writing very much this evening. So, I’m just going to jot down some random thoughts as they come to me. See where it takes us…
This weekend was a doozy. Emotionally speaking anyways. My overthinking, and fight or flight instincts tend to kick in at their highest when I feel very insecure about whatever it is that I’m currently going through. When I’m not 100% sure of where I stand with people I start to feel like I’m a burden and then I do everything I can to put up walls. To cut people off. And I’ve noticed that right at the end of my cycle I also tend to get anxious. I feel the tension throughout my entire body and I feel it in waves. Now, I’ve only been putting attention to this since December so I can’t say for certain, but I believe there’s definitely a pattern. I plan on keeping track over the next few months so I guess we’ll see.
While I was dealing with a lot of emotional stuff over the weekend I did my best to leave it all in the church pew on Sunday night. I didn’t want to walk out of there with so much heaviness on my chest. “There’s too much noise, it’s getting to be too much. Please, please take some of it away.” We were some of the last few people to exit the church when my uncle came over and said a little prayer for me. When I opened my eyes I looked around and just felt so blessed to have so many understanding people in my life. I appreciate every single one of them and I know I don’t tell them enough. Sometimes I allow anxiety and depression to dictate my decisions and how I live my life which can be really frustrating for the people who care about me. I know that during some of those slumps I’m not the best company. That I can be difficult to deal with. I know that I can be this ball of toxic energy and it’s normal for people to want to distance themselves from that. Believe me, I totally get it. So, I’m super grateful to all of those who have stood by me through it all. My mom, who kisses my forehead and tells me everything will be okay. My dad, who goes to the gym with me and pushes me to go harder when he can tell I need to work through some stuff. My sister-in-law who listens to EVERY. SINGLE. THING. I have to say. My brother, who's constantly telling me that I'm doing a good job. Even when I know I could do better. My best friend who deals with her own shit on the west coast but still finds time to send me a message about how much she loves me. My other best friend who has a hard time showing people that he cares but when I really need him, shows up. I mean, I have a really, really great group of family, y’all. And I can't thank them enough for all that they do for me. For my daughter. For us.
Yesterday morning, I got some news about a friend of mine that made me want to cry. It also made me really mad at the same time. I had no idea which one to do first. This entire weekend I had this bad feeling in my stomach. Knots. Their name kept popping up in conversation, but when I would reach out I wasn’t getting a response. This isn’t unusual so I just dismissed it. But yesterday morning I was informed about what had happened the week before and my mind went to all of the worst-case scenarios almost immediately. I felt my stomach drop, and there was this mix of fear and panic racing through my thoughts. Like I had just come really close to having someone snatched away. Losing them in a permanent way. And I wasn’t ready. I hadn’t given my permission so it wasn’t allowed, didn’t they know that?! As if I'd ever have a say in that. But then I talked myself down. As I was given more information about the situation I kept reminding myself that they were still here. They hadn’t gone anywhere. Instead, I told myself to be grateful. To be a good friend. "Everything is okay. They're okay." I was finally able to get in contact with them and made arrangements to pay a visit that evening. And when I finally walked through their door I felt the tension I had been holding all day finally leave. They were, in fact, okay; safe. When my mind finally calmed down I unapologetically told them how reckless their actions had been. How they affected me and everyone else that cared about them. Because they needed to hear it. I explained how I was so damn grateful that they were sitting right there beside me and that I could hug them. "We have so many more years to go! Don't you dare put that at risk.", I kept expressing. Over and over. Finally, as I left for the night all I could do was pray with everything that I had, that this would be a lesson learned. That this would be a wake up call. I don't ever want there to be a "next time". Because...we still have so many more years to go.
And this seems like a good stopping point for now. Today was such a long day that started out with one major headache. And all I can think about is sleeping. Anyway, I hope this didn’t give you too much whiplash. Until the next post! Be safe.
California - Part II
Friday, January 17, 2020
If I were to write about everything that went down from the moment our plane touched down in LAX to the time that we were back up in the air on our way home, I would be writing for at least a few weeks. From the places we visited, the food we ate, and then to the things we did, I could write several posts. But I won’t put you through all of that. Instead, I’ll summarize as best as I can within this post and a final one I’ll publish sometime next week. For your sanity and mine- you’re welcome.
We arrived as a surprise for my bestie. She had no idea that we were coming, and when we walked out from behind one of the vehicles you could see the surprise on her face. A little bit of “WTF, HOW ARE YOU HERE?” and some “OMG, MY HOUSE IS A MESS DON’T YOU DARE WALK-IN JUST YET!” And then we hugged, holding back tears, for the longest time. My gosh, I had missed her! Her laugh and sarcasm. Her mischievous looks or how she spoke volumes without having to say anything at all. Her sense of style but willingness to just hang out in oversized t-shirts and PJ bottoms. I missed having long talks, and how completely open we can be with each other. There is nothing off-limits when we get together. And just like always, we picked up as if no time had passed by since the last time we were in the same space.
We had re-introductions all around. Emery and I both met her youngest son for the first time. The girls were so grown up and beautiful. We ate dinner and headed out to a frozen yogurt place in Lake Elsinore. The emotions I felt just driving into Menifee and seeing the city lit up at night almost had me in tears. I was back, y’all. The palm trees, the traffic, and perfect weather. I mean, there I was, sitting outside of a FroYo in CALIFORNIA! I was with my best friend, our kids, and it was the most wonderful Christmas gift. I felt so, so grateful for this experience. We hashed out a few plans but left a lot open to whatever ideas we could come up with as the days came. However, the most important matter of business, according to Emery, was that we went to see the ocean. So the next morning, after dropping off the kids at school, we grabbed some coffee and made our way down to Oceanside. She wanted to see the place that started it all.
California - Part I
Friday, January 10, 2020
On December 10th, I received a message from my best friend’s husband. She had been in a bit of a funk and he wanted to know if I would be able to visit. After checking my account and looking over my financial situation, I told him it would have to wait until the summer. Or possibly, if I were able to scrounge up enough cash, March at the earliest. It wouldn’t just be me going out there, after all, I’d have to pay for Emery as well. So, he asked me for our information and told me that he’d help out with the cost of the flights. I had just started looking for deals when I received an email notification from Spirit Airlines stating that our trip was booked. Only the dates had to be wrong because they were listed as December 12th with a return date of December 16th.
I immediately sent him a message, asking about the flight information, and he told me that there wasn’t a mistake. “Merry Christmas!” After the shock wore off I realized that I had no idea if I could even go because Emery had already missed several days of school, and even though I had vacation time I wasn’t sure if I’d be allowed to take off with such short notice. After talking to my boss man I was given the green light to say “Yes” to this spur of the moment adventure. I spent the rest of the day getting things in order, and letting the rest of the sales guys know what was going on. The next step was to find out whether Emery was going to be allowed to take the time off from school. Thankfully, after speaking with the admin and having her look over Emery’s attendance I was told she would be okay to miss. I asked them to gather her homework and I would have my mom pick it up for us so she could get a jump start on her work once we got back.
The next day I spent it getting caught up at work so I wouldn’t leave anything unfinished. When we got home I washed clothes, did some cleaning, made arrangements for our pets, and we packed. Our flight left at 6 AM so we’d have to leave by 3 AM to make the drive and get there on time. It was going to be a really early and long day for us, but totally worth it. In less than 24 hours we would be on California soil. We’d be in a city that saw a lot of my growth, the very messy transition from a teen to an adult. I would be able to hug my best friend, who I hadn’t seen in four years, and I’d get to love on her kids. Emery would get to see the place that inspired her name and as she so excitedly exclaimed, “Mom, I can’t believe I’m actually going to California and I’m actually going to remember it this time!” We checked and doubled checked everything in our bags. And then it was off to bed. Though I doubt either one of us got very much due to our excitement.
Three AM came quickly. We loaded everything up in the car. Decked out in leggings, chanclas, and hoodies we set off on our two-hour drive. We made it in time to clear security, find our gate, and grab some snacks along with breakfast. Now, if you ever fly with Spirit Airlines just know that they charge you for everything so make sure you have some cushion in your budget for that. Since Emery was a minor, and our flight was booked together I had selected the option of Spirit designating our seats instead of having to pay $23 per person to pick them ourselves. I assumed they did the same thing as Southwest Airlines, and put passengers together or in the same area if the flights were booked together. Well, when we checked-in I noticed that they had us at opposite ends of the plane. So, I spoke with one of the women at our gate and she happily switched our seats so we could sit together. And since I had purchased a carry-on, first zone boarding was included for free so Emery and I were able to board the plane first! We grabbed our things and settled into our seats. Within forty-five minutes our plane was backing out from the gate and headed towards the runway.
2020
Monday, January 6, 2020
Hello, hello! Is this thing on?? It’s definitely been a minute, y’all. I hope everyone rang in the new year safely, in good health, and surrounded by a lot of love. We had ourselves a pretty eventful December and if you follow me on any other social media platforms then you may have caught a few glimpses into what we were up to. It was a nice whirlwind of a month and we ended the year with a bang!
Thankfully, I was able to have a week and a half off from work to spend with the people I care about most in this world over the holidays. I’m always so grateful to have time with family and friends. I was able to binge the final season of Netflix’s “Anne with an E” which made me ugly cry and I finished “The Witcher” in 24 hours. If you haven’t seen it yet, I highly recommend that you give it a shot. I’ve also got some ideas for how I want to move forward with this here little blog of mine so definitely be on the lookout for some changes. I found some much-needed closure and said yes to some pretty last-minute adventures. I learned a few lessons in letting go and forgiveness too. And that sometimes you don’t forget for a reason - to avoid repeating the mistakes of the past. I started to recognize who was around out of convenience and removed some toxic things out of my life. I gained a tiny bit of confidence and started feeling better about the direction I was moving. Baby steps but still progress. And y’all, for the first time in what seems like forever, I’m happy. I’m so damn excited about this new year and I’m ready for the changes it will bring!
So here’s to us! To a new year filled with a lot of magic. Here’s to happiness, love, laughter, and family. Here’s to many more adventures and paying things forward. To spreading kindness and a bit of sparkle to everyone we encounter. Here’s to our children, and loved ones. May the Lord help me with this new afterschool schedule we’re about to undertake too. And here’s to everything the future holds for us. The good as well as the bad. May it strengthen us and allow us to grow in all directions. Happy New Year, y’all! ✨
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