Spring!!

Yes, I know! I changed the layout again. LOL! I told you guys I constantly have to change things up. I get bored with the layouts way to easily. And who knows, maybe later down the line, I’ll switch back. But for now, I wanted something more “squeaky clean”. Simple if you will? And it (despite the weather the past few days) is officially spring!!! Woo Wooo!! I’m so excited about this! So I figured I’d brighten up the blog a little.

Anywho, this past weekend was not at all what I had planned. Having family over made for a pretty busy 4 days! We went to the Flea Market, did some summer clothes shopping, and had a cookout! Emery got to meet her cousin Ethan, who is two months younger than she is, and since both are the only babies in their households, it was interesting to watch them interact. My little monster was definitely in charge. This is her territory after all, LOL! But we had a nice time. There were so many people there that I actually got a bit of a breather. Everyone wanted to hold or walk with the “babies”. Every mother’s blessing!

The family left on Monday, and another one of my aunt and uncle showed up yesterday! So it’s been a nice full house! Which has kicked off our spring rather nicely! Gotten me into the mood of “Go! Go! Go!” This spring/summer we’ll have softball, bike race season, a few baby showers, and maybe some swimming lessons! If I can find a place that will have them for little ones, that is. So needless to say we have a nice busy schedule coming up! I am so ready for it, too!

Yesterday, I ran TWO miles (only stopping once to pick up the Boston that decided to follow us). My brother runs like 7, so he tagged along and helped me with accomplishing my two. Then afterward I biked a mile. IT FELT GREAT!! Kind of ruined the point because afterward, I ate like 4 slices of pizza (two were small). But I felt really good. After I had cooled down I thought about going again, but Emery was tired and grumpy, and I didn’t want to push my luck. My goal is to go running for at least 30 minutes without stopping. Push myself all the way to 3 miles. Then after that, I want to push myself towards another 3 miles. Keep adding three until I get to a half marathon!! Yup, a half marathon! I don’t know of any around here, and I don’t even know if I’d actually enter into a race. But I want to do this for me. So that I can say I ran 13.1 miles! Not sure if I’ll ever really get to that goal, but if I can just do 6 miles, I’ll be pretty pleased with myself. :-)

Other than that, not much else is new. Our lives are pretty boring! Hope you guys are doing good! Sorry I haven’t been commenting lately. I barely get enough time to read everyone’s blogs. But I promise to do better! Until next time, here are a few pictures from this past weekend!!

Fade

I've been talking a lot about friendships lately. I think it’s because I’m starting to really look at which ones are there for me and which ones aren’t. I feel like I’m just starting to move into a new phase in my life, a phase that will only include the most important people moving forward with me. I really feel that this is a necessary step for me to move ahead into “adulthood” and to finally shed away many of my teenage reminiscences. 

Which brings me to friendships I want to keep. Friendships that mean a lot to me. And that brings me to this lovely lady:

She is one of my best friends! Her name is Kamille, and I love her to pieces. Unfortunately, we have a bit of a problem:

She lives here

& I live here

And quite frankly, this whole “living so far away for long periods of time” thing is a bit weird to me because, from the moment I met her, we lived close to each other. I even moved to California with her! Then I moved back and after a few months, she moved back too. Then, she left back to Cali, I got pregnant, and we’ve stayed in contact as best as we possibly can! But, I miss her so much! And recently, it’s gotten worse! I miss the hour-long talks and being right down the road from her. I miss sitting in her living room watching kid movies for hours. I miss how she made taking a ride to Taco Bell the most fun a girl could have. LOL! She was the person I could talk to about anything and everything! From poop to sex, to childbirth, to drugs, to growing up! She never not once judged me for being me either. And it never mattered what time I called or how early I was at her doorstep, she was always there for me (and vice versa). She’s taught me a lot about being a mother, and family coming first. She’s taught me to keep my head up and never let anyone bring me down. She has taught me that I will make mistakes, and so long as I try to make things right, it'll be ok! And that sometimes you just need to cry. So now with this distance, and with us being apart for so long, I don't have that anymore.

I know I've said in my previous posts, that I've come to realize many of my friends aren't my friends anymore. Yes, we've had great times and at one point in life, I would have gladly taken a bullet for some of them. But now....we are all just drifting. We are all in different stages of life! We are all growing in what we are supposed to become and my lifestyle may not be for them, nor their's mine. Some of them have gotten “smaller” rather than grow, and some of them have completely surpassed me. And that’s OK! These friendships are naturally fading. I don’t grieve for there loss at all! Instead, I’m happy for them! I’m happy that they are doing their thing! But mine and Kami’s friendship is one of the ones I don’t want to see fade. 

And I’m not sure what to do to stop it really? I really hope that this isn't one of the friendships I'll have to let go. We try calling and texting as much as possible. But with us having such crazy schedules (she's a mommy of three and step-monster of two), and being in two different time zones, it makes finding time harder than usual. I usually heard from her at least once a month and recently I could tell she was in a weird place. Like she was in a funk? And it was just so strange to not be able to get some Frappuccino's, walk across the street, and just say “Let’s talk.” Because that’s what we used to do!! There wasn't ever anything that some Frappuccino’s and laughs couldn't fix. It's been almost a month and a half since I've heard from her, and it seems like that space is getting farther and farther apart.

Not being able to really be there for her, especially at this time in her life, is just weird to me. It feels wrong, and like I’m failing her as a friend. And her not reaching out to me like before, or even sending me a quick text to let me know how things are has left me feeling a bit hurt.

& I have no idea what to do about this? 

Just Keep Running

So, now that Em is starting to get more independent (with the walking), and she has finally forgiven her dad for going back to work. It’s starting to be a lot easier for me to leave her in her room, or with my husband and not worry about her screaming her head off. Not because she doesn't scream her head off, because she still does that. But, now I just know that from what I’ve seen she is very capable of distracting herself when she wants to. I also know that there’s nothing actually hurting her, or freaking her out. This puts my mind at ease about her being alone in the room. Plus, she’s started to want to be with her daddy again. So when he’s there, she doesn’t freak out (as much). Which is a good thing! LOL! And so this means, more running for me! More work out time for me! Yay!! I had started this whole work-out plan and it fell through because Emery started getting all clingy. She would cry and cry for long periods of time, and only wanted me. Which was a bit frustrating when I had chores to do. But she didn’t even want to be with her dad, she just wanted me. I'd get behind on laundry or cleaning. I wouldn't even attempt cooking like I really truly wanted to. Then I tried to do these things with her attached to me. Yea...that didn't work!!

So with her being that way, and with trying to catch up on all the stuff left from the week before, it made finding time to work out really hard. And I refuse to be up at 4 am just to get a work out in. I love my sleep time and I would rather starve than not get my sleep. I know I said I would try, but yea, no 4 am workouts for me. However, I did decide to approach this differently and more aggressively! I’m making a "work-out schedule". I even jotted it down in my planner. Because if I don’t, then I won’t see it. And if I DON’T see it, then I don’t feel guilty about it. Which is no bueno! And I really need that running time. It helps me think and clear my head. It’s my own personal time. I just focus on running and overcoming the pain. I don’t really call myself a long distance or short distance runner because I just set a goal for myself, and then try to surpass it the following week. If I don’t, then that’s ok! I try to do half a mile and other times I do two miles, just depends on how I’m feeling. And, just working out, gives me that boost to help me feel good. To know that I’m doing something good for my body and my health! So, I hope the scheduling works out for me, and that I am able to keep up with it! I want to get better at this and maybe go farther than 2 miles? I want to push myself harder and harder!

My motivational help? I placed an old picture of myself, as well as this line on my fridge: 

Come out like a pit-bull with rabies. 

“Don't be afraid of what may or may not happen just charge at everything with all intent of conquering it.”

I read these lines over at Mama and The Dudes. The pit bull one is funny, but at the same time so true! We need to charge at everything in life! Go at it full force and know that we can do anything! I really want to conquer this weight thing. The picture is there to remind me that my goal is attainable. Because I’ve been that small before. I just need to kick my ass a bit to get back to that!

March 2007-After visiting Beau in California (not sure what that black dot on my neck is?)

Also, I’m back to watching my calorie intake, and I’m trying to cook my own lunch and dinners. Trying to eat as clean as I can, even though I slip up a few times a week. Still, baby steps. If I do go over my calorie “budget” then I work out extra that day. I’m also looking into more of a veggie diet! I want my diet during the week to be mainly veggies, fruits, and a few meats. I’m not going to starve myself or deny myself a candy every now and then. Because that will just make me feel like I’m punishing myself, and I hate that feeling! But, I’m tired of being stuck. I’m not losing or gaining weight, but I’m not at the weight I want to be at. I know I can be lighter because I’ve been there already. It just sucks that I’m going to have to work a thousand times harder this time around because I let myself go in the first place. Such is life. Now, I just need to suck it up, and really work at this. I will get to my goal, come hell or high water!

Bliss

I got my hair cut. It was wonderful! LOL! She massaged my head a bit longer after I told her it was my first time back in a year! And she told me that my hair looked amazing for only cutting it once over the past year. She took off 2", took up the layers, thinned it out, and brought out my long bangs. To top it off, she said that they dropped the prices, so total I spent $25!! I feel a thousand times better! Woo wooo! Go me!! After getting back to work I put my hair up, 45 minutes later I still had no headache!! Thank you!! Thank you!! THANK YOU!! LOL! Now, I can't wait to get some free time to straighten it! After a nap of course! 

This weekend the hubs has to work, so that means this girl will be at home with her babes pretty much the whole time. No big deal since that's usually how we spend them, except we won't be able to have lunches or a day out in town. But secretly, I am loving this! LOL! I will have some mani/pedi time, catch up on the laundry, and finally finish cleaning the casa!! Plus, some family from Georgia surprised us by coming down, and they arrived this morning! Emery got to meet her little cousin who's a few months younger than her, so I'm just thrilled! I plan on finally sending out some pictures to family, and get the Thank You notes from Em's birthday party out. Sunday we are supposed to have a family get together/BBQ so that will be fun I hope. But tonight, I plan to relax. To catch my breath and to go to bed as early as I want! :-)

So here's to a Happy Friday!! Hope everyone else had (still having) a wonderful day!! 

I Can't Wait!!!

This is BEYOND sad, but I am sooooo excited! LOL! I’m getting my hair cut tomorrow!! Do you have any idea how long it’s been?! I used to get my hair cut, once every 4-6 months. I’d dye it or just change the style. Go get my nails done, some waxing, and just splurge on a good day of pampering. Maybe buy a new top or new shoes. Ahhhh! That was the life! Haha! Yea...

YOU CAN’T DO THAT WITH A BABY!!

Or at least I can’t. Too many bills and I can’t seem to let myself spend so much on myself. I debated on whether or not to take the computer back on SEVERAL occasions and once I realized I had lost the receipt, I thought about selling it.  Really? Who does that? It was a gift, I should ENJOY it. And I do enjoy it, but I can’t help but feel guilty about all the money that went into it and not something else.  Something more important; necessities. Because when I see myself spending on something for me, I see $$$ that could be going to stuff for Emery or paying something off. So when I think about how much I miss getting those days of pampering, I start totaling up the amounts.

Wash, Cut, Style: $60

Nails: $40

Waxing: $10

-GASP-  That’s $110 bucks PEOPLE! Not including tipping or buying myself something extra either. Shit batman! How did I do that?! $110 would buy two big packs of diapers, some milk, baby food for two weeks, a container of puffs, and then still have some left over to buy her a cute little outfit or something! Or it could buy a week and a half's worth of groceries!! And that’s just how my mind sees it! No matter how hard I try to tell myself that it’s ok to spend on myself every now and then, it’s hard to actually do it. I’m not sure how many times I’ve gone in planning on buying myself something and walk out with nothing but stuff for Emery and my husband. Or I do get stuff for myself and before making it to the check-out I’ve put it all back because I’m afraid it’s too much to spend on myself. I check prices on everything, and I’ll debate on whether I need it or just want it. Because whatever I spent on that item, could have gone towards something else, right?! I annoy myself with this, lol! I have no idea if this is ever going to change either?! Is it just a first-time mom thing? Does it wear off? I have no idea!?

But tomorrow, I will be enjoying a nice wash and cut (styling cost extra so I left that out- this will only be $45 with a tip! haha)!! It will be with my old hairdresser again too! I’m so excited! She is literally a miracle worker, and she knows how I like to do things. My hair is weird because it’s not really coarse, but at the same time, it is? It’s thick (the cause of my recent headaches), curly, and it tangles so easily! She has been the only person that I know of, that can actually help me with this. I always left the place with silky hair, cut exactly the way I wanted! So, I am very very excited about this!

And here’s the kicker, I won’t actually be doing anything drastic! LOL! It’s just been so long since I’ve gotten to do this (before Em was born), that I can’t help but get all giddy at the idea of finally being able to have a somewhat “pamper” session! I want my hair to be long again, so I’m just getting her to cut a few inches off, redo my side bangs, and thin it out some because I am so over these headaches! Can you believe it, that’s it!? Told you it was sad!!

But you know what? I’m so excited!! Hahahaha!!!   

p/s Wednesday morning my daughter was up at 4 AM. The sitter said she hadn't slept all day and sure enough she crashed out once she was home. 5-10 PM. We tried waking her up a few times and she would just fall back to sleep, sitting! That was a bit amusing but I felt bad, so I just let her sleep. BAD idea, she was up from 10-12pm before crashing out again! And today, I am feeling it. I am so exhausted, and all I want to do is SLEEP!!! 

Old Writtings- Baby Brother

Ok, so when I have these ideas for topics to write about, or if I randomly think of something I'd like to share on my blog I write it in my email and save the draft. Well, some of those posts sometimes end up staying there. So today, I was cleaning out some of those posts when I came across one that I did about my brother! It was on 12/15/2010, and I decided to post it on here because I truly love my little brother. He's awesome, even when I'm wanting to beat the everliving crap out of him!! LOL! And here it is:

I have a fear of losing my brother.

Emotionally

Ever since we were kids, I looked after my BABY brother. I beat kids up for him. I taught him how to pick his outfits, and what badass music was. I did his hair for school, and I even played “pretend war” with him. I packed his backpack every night, read him books, and helped him with homework. My pride and joy; being the protector. The caregiver. The big sister.

Then we got older and overnight he was taller than me, handling his own battles, doing his own hair, choosing his own clothes, and no longer playing “pretend war”. But we got along, and our interests kept us close. People actually thought that because we got along so well, that our relationship was more than brotherly/sisterly. That boiled our blood. (We called people out on it, but no one ever owned up to starting the rumor.) But we were raised to love each other. We always hugged! And if we fought we had to hug and kiss each other's backs (that happened only once). So we felt that just because everyone else didn’t get along with their own family, that didn’t mean we had to be the same way with ours. Then, I started partying/drinking and it seemed like the roles switched. All of a sudden he was taking care of me! He was making sure no one took advantage of me, threatening anyone who even THOUGHT of hurting me, and driving my drunk ass home. He saved me, from me. But not once did he tell me that he was the “big brother”. He let me think that all of the ideas were mine. Not once told me I was wrong.

Next, I moved away to California. And I spoke to him pretty much EVERY day. He had shaved his head, grown a beard, and was dressing the exact opposite of how he had been when I was at home. He was living his own life. Making his own decisions, and doing his own thing. BUT he was still the same funny, down to earth, anime watching, loveable, and carrying BABY brother. I could totally add to that list of attributes because trust me it goes on and on, but you guys would fall in love and he’s already taken. Sorry! But anywho, he had changed and was now on his way to becoming his own person. On his path to becoming a man.

Now, I’m back home and my brother is living BETWEEN homes. Sometimes he stays with us, and others (most of the time) he stays with his girlfriend. –Ahem- Kim, you bee-otch, BRING HIM BACK!! Or at least make him come visit during the week, GEES! Now, back to my point- He’s always close by, but recently, I haven’t gotten to see him as often. The little twirp never comes by (only on weekends)!! And my role as the big sister is FADING....fast! Actually, I think it’s pretty much gone he just lets me THINK that it’s still there.... sometimes... when he’s feeling generous. Maybe. 

So, I feel as if we’ve grown apart. Like we are really, officially, our own people. That sibling empathy and that bond we had defended constantly seems to have faded. We used to do everything together! Movies, going out to eat, hanging out at Hastings or Wal-Mart! Even just being at home listening to records (yes, vinyl records) while laying on the living room floor talking. I know that we are growing up and starting our lives, but some part of me can’t help but feel as if this is our OWN fault. We could be just as close as ever if we took the time. We could still have that psychic “I know what independent film you want to watch without you saying a word” ability. But, we are now our own people, with our own lives, and we don’t set aside time to keep those “traditions” alive. We don’t seem to have the time these days. And now that my brother is finally a man, with his own future wife, there is no need for that bond we had, because he gets THAT and more from her. And that’s OK! I get the same from my husband. But, I still miss him. I miss my baby brother. I miss our friendship.

Physically

I remember the day that Niselda, my cousin, died. I felt as if my heart had been ripped out and my throat had closed. My heart was broken and I was no longer breathing. I cried for months; still do sometimes. But, I couldn’t possibly imagine what Nasalia, her sister, felt. That hurt and sorrow. That anger, and that despair. That light being taken, and replaced with a huge hole. A hole that could never be filled. I could imagine these things, but only if I had gone through it myself could I ever truly comprehend those feelings.

Lately, I’ve been having dreams of my brother dying. Two dreams every week, for the past 6 weeks, each one different than the one before. I’ve chalked it up to them being about my fear of losing this bond that we have. But the dreams are still, VERY real. And each time, I wake up feeling as if he’s really gone. I literally have to convince myself that it was a dream. Talk myself back to reality, if you will. And it hurts. Those feeling of helplessness, excruciating pain, and loneliness that hit me all at once, as soon as I open my eyes, is so real. I’ve woken up a few times crying. That weight and dread coming off my heart as soon as I realize it WAS just a dream, is such an indescribable kind of happiness and relief. I don’t know what I would do if I ever lost him..? I don’t know how I’d function, or how I could ever get that “light” back into my heart. My brother is my rock. The one who can smack me back into reality. The one who can straight up tell me when I’m being an idiot, and it be ok. He’s been one of my best friends. Sometimes, I look up to him.    

I can’t imagine my life without my brother in it. I can’t see us not each having a couple of children and watching them grow up together. Us arguing over who’s got more grey hair. Having family gatherings. Still fighting over Alien vs. Predator (Alien won, for sure!). I just can’t see him not being here. So, as you can imagine these dreams have been freaking me out! And I’ve felt fear. I almost want to pick up the phone and call him each time I wake up from these dreams just to make sure he’s ok. But, knowing him, he wouldn’t answer and I’d assume the worst and freak out. Not once considering the fact that it’s 2 o’ clock in the morning and he’s probably passed out, trying to get as much sleep as he can before having to wake up at 4:30. But then, if he did answer, and he found out the reason for my calling, oh man I’d get it. LOL! Not right away, but later that day, I’d get a “Psht, THAT’S why you called me? Because of a dream? You woke me up from my deep, much needed, slumber BECAUSE OF A DREAM?!?! RAQUEL!!! What the crap?!?! I’m not answering the phone at that hour again!” So I don’t even attempt those phone calls. I know better.

I know that we all die. It’s inevitable. But being taken too soon is something that always gets to me. And I pray every night for my family’s protection. Because I have that fear. Like I stated in my previous post, I’m afraid of not being vigilant enough with my daughter. And that, that mistake might one day cost me. I’m constantly afraid of my husband up and leaving me. Afraid that one day (especially with OUR pasts) that someone might hurt him, or worse. But more on those topics at another time. I’m just scared. Again, I feel that these dreams are more like my minds reflection/interpretation of my fears. So, I’m trying to put it aside. The dreams still freak me out, and I guess they will continue until I settle this conflict within myself.

My baby brother is no longer a baby. He knows right from wrong (more so than I do). He can take care of himself. He can make his own decisions. He has and will live his own life. And I have to learn to let go.

I'm glad to report that Kim did bring him back, lol! We do get to see each other a lot more. The dreams have stopped, and I have let go! I'm good with knowing that we are going to take different paths in life and that we aren't children anymore. We are living our own lives, and no matter what we will always have those memories! Those times made us who we are today. It's something that we'll show our own kids. To love each other and never take each other for granted. Our bond will never be completely severed, it's just more of a "grown" bond. Beau can't take it away, and neither can Kim. But we each love our significant others more and differently, you know? It's our time to start on our own. I'm sure Kim can take care of him and protect him as well as I ever could, so I'm passing the torch on to her. 

So Kim, take care of him ok? And when he says his bones hurt, make him slow down and not push himself so much. Force him if you have to! LOL! Make sure he doesn't stay up too late either, because then he has a problem staying up during the day, and I know a few times that he's almost fallen asleep at the wheel! Bad, bad, bad! And just know that my brother loves you! We all love you (never doubt that), and I'm just waiting for the day that I get to go ring shopping with him!! LOL! But never feel bad for setting a bitch straight when she thinks she can get in the way of that, ok? You have my number if you need a truck and shovels. :-D 

Love, 

Your Future Sister-In-Law

Friendships and Parenting Don't Always Mix

First, let me just say that contrary to this posts “mood”, I am actually in a good mood today. It’s just something I have been thinking about for a while now. Second, this is long! 

So, this post is about friendships and how I feel about some of the friends “in my life” right now. By friends I mean: People you talk to regularly, go visit, or share your thoughts with. And I used to have a ton of people in my life! If you even check out my Facebook, it would seem as though I have more than my fill of friends. But some, I don't even talk to anymore. There was a time when I would have gladly taken a bullet for some, and some I defended with everything I had. But when it came down to it, the minute I was pronounced Mrs. Rosenbalm, it’s like I was no longer a person that could do anything on her own. The calls stopped, and no one invited me anywhere. They would ask my husband “Hey, do you and your girl want to come over and hang later?” or “Hey, do you want to come over? Raquel can come too.” It was like they assumed I wasn’t allowed to make decisions as to where we were going to hang out, or like I couldn’t even go out at all anymore. My husband says they were just “respecting him as being the husband”. And I guess I could see that, but it still bothered me a little.

Well, then I became pregnant. And all of a sudden I was just the party pooper/raging bitch that didn’t want to have fun anymore. Most of my friends took off at this point. No calls, no nothing. My husband got calls though, and then he’d get upset with me for not wanting to go anywhere. But, I was PREGNANT! He wasn’t and he had no idea what was going on inside of me. Now if I wasn’t throwing up, I was tired from being at work all day. If I wasn’t reading up on what pregnancy was going to be like, I was trying to manage bills and rent. It was as if I had gone from being this 21 year old to a sixty years old overnight. I was/am trying to be responsible. And all this while trying to keep my marriage together, trying to have a healthy pregnancy, and trying to keep my husband's drug use to a minimum (and out of jail)- that’s when we started having problems. ((But that’s a story for another time, maybe. Everything’s good now.))

So here are all of my “friends” talking about how I’ve changed so much, and how I just “don’t know how to have fun anymore.” And there I was, wondering why the hell I had these friends in the first place? I mean, really? Who does that? I believe that once you become pregnant, you have some major life-changing to do. It shouldn’t be all about parties, your next high, or “hanging out”.  You are now responsible for a tiny little human. That child will rely on your for a very long time. It is up to you to love them, teach them, care for them, and provide for them. So, it goes without saying that my “fun times” were now pretty much over. Because I couldn’t be in between. I couldn’t be this party girl that got drunk/high every week(end) and be a good mom at the same time. That’s just not going to happen. And that right there was pretty much the nail in some of my friendship coffins. I know that some of these people still talk about it. One “friend” even told my husband recently

“Man, she used to be all about getting high and having a good time, and now she’s just boring and doesn’t want to have anything to do with any of it? Fuckin lame.”

Can you believe that? Being called lame for being a responsible parent? Yea, he’s no longer considered a friend in my eyes. In the end, I really don’t care what he (or anyone else) thinks because I know that I’m doing a damn good job at being a mom. But it just blows my mind that “responsible parenting” is seen as “lame”. And this is why I don’t see how younger girls, rush into it. If you don’t want to give things up, if you still want to go out and rage, don’t let yourself get pregnant! Use protection! I knew from the moment I started having sex (at 19, with my now husband) that if I ever became pregnant I was keeping it, and that I was going to have to leave my party ways behind. And I was ok with those consequences! It would be a responsibility I would (and have) taken gladly. Again, I’m sidetracking...sorry!!

Anyway, I know your life isn’t “over” just because you had a kid. It’s all about balance because you do need time for yourself from time to time. You need to cut loose a bit, for your sanity as well as for your marriage. But I couldn’t dabble anymore. I have such a hard time with balance (in case you haven’t noticed). So I went from one extreme to the other. I went from partying really hard to not going out at all hardly. I went from getting drunk on the weekends to maybe having a total of three beers in a MONTH. All because I don’t want to screw this up. I don’t want to fail at being a mother. I don’t want to let my daughter down. I don’t want there to ever be something more important to me than my family and real friends. Because none of those highs will ever be better than seeing my daughter smile and giggle. Those highs will never be better than getting to see her do things for the first time. I don’t ever want to miss out on that.

To me, being a mom isn’t something you do because everyone else is doing it. It’s not something you do because you think it’ll be nothing but fun. It’s not something you should enter into lightly because you want “someone to love you”. Parenting is hard work. It’s stressful sometimes. You worry, you cry, you have some amazing times. But it’s not something you can just hand back and say “You know what...I’m just not ready for this right now.” This is another human being; another soul that you must care for. And I don’t want to fail her.  Unfortunately, there are people out there that don’t see it that way. I know plenty of parents idiots that even after having a kid continue to use drugs (and I’m not talking about weed). They still get drunk and even bring their child along to the parties (going home after they’ve “sobered up”). And that pisses me off! I wish I could just tell them to grow up! To be responsible for their KIDS! To stop putting their babies in harm's way for their own selfish wants! But, they don’t want to let go. They want to continue life as if they never had a kid.

So that’s why I’m removing some people from my life. And not in an awful “I hate you go away” kind of way. More like a “see you soon” kind of way. Because some of these friends, well, they still haven’t grown up. They are still out there having “good times” with no responsibilities. And I don’t want to feel like I’m missing out on those good times because I can’t be out there doing the same. I don’t want to feel like I’m being left behind when really, I just ran ahead. I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing, and I’m tired of feeling guilty about it. One day, I will find that balance that I want. I will find a way to go out and have fun in moderation. I will learn how to control my liquor and not pick fights with my husband. And I will find new friends! Friends that know and understand what I am going through. Friends that are in the same place in life as we are.

 But right now, it’s time for me to let go of some of the ones that don't...

$#%^&*!@#%$&^

This is depressing. But if I don’t post it, I won’t look at it.

Recently, I’ve been going through old photographs, which in turn get me all down and depressed. Then I eat, and then I get mad at myself for eating so much junk! It’s a vicious cycle, my friends. VICIOUS! As you all know by now, weight is a huge issue for me. It’s one I struggle with constantly, and right now I’m on the losing end of the battle.

Things have been pretty busy, and I find myself not having time, or being too sick. Sometimes I get home late and all I want to do is crawl into bed. Then the weekend gets here and I’m trying to clean up the “house”, and catch up on all of the other chores left behind from the previous week. It seems like before I can even blink, Monday has already come around again! Finding time to work out or even prepare meals in advance has not been happening for me. It’s also been easier for me to go and get fast food for our meals, then plan ahead. And this really brings me down. I want to be healthy again, and I really really want my old body back! It depresses me so bad to see how much I’ve let myself go. But it’s so hard.

I miss not having to do anything besides run two miles a day to keep my figure. I miss being able to fit into a size small shirts, and my size 8 jeans. I’m so tired of seeing my rolls go over my jeans. I am so tired of my arm fat dangling. And I am so tired of seeing the person I swore to never become staring back at me in the mirror.

A pudgy, crabby, mess.

Because being overweight affects me in more than one way than my looks. 

Then

2006- Me and a friend at a party/130lbs (size 8 jeans)

Now

2011- Me with my friends at a party/ 185lbs (size 15 jeans)

See what I mean? 

Wordless Wednesday

Japan

Keep Japan and all those affected by what's happening in your prayers!

Reflections

I need a vacation.

I need some downtime.

I need to feel the sand beneath my toes!!

Oceanside, Ca (City close to where I used to live in California)

Oh, how I miss this place. And people can go on and on about how "Oh you just like it because you like the idea of California, not the place itself" but that's not true. I do love the ocean, but I don't always like getting in it- there's the difference. I loved walking down the pier, and the way the air was a bit salty when we went to visit. I loved watching those sunsets go down every night. I miss the FOUR lane freeways. I miss road construction being done overnight. I miss our old roommates. I like the independence being off on our own brought us. I miss the mountains and the palm trees. I miss the friendships I had only just started. I miss the option of having stuff to do! I just miss it...

And it saddens me that I made the decision to move back to Texas right when because things got rough. I'll admit it, I freaked out! We were told our landlord was thinking of selling the place, and soon. We had no money saved to get a new place. Prices on everything were going up, and it was literally about 2 months before jobs all went downhill and everyone lost them! But if I hadn't made that decision, we both probably would have lost our jobs, we'd be struggling to make ends meet/keep a roof over our heads, probably would have not gotten married, and Emery may not have come to be. So for that, I am not sad. We have had so much support from our families, and despite living in a P.O.S. house right now, at least we don't have to worry about how we're going to come up with rent for the month. Or how we're going to get Emery what she needs! So for that, I AM grateful to have made the move!

But I so crave getting out of here one day. I crave being at that beach again. I crave to see how Emery reacts at seeing the ocean for the first time! I crave getting to wear FLIP-FLOPS year round! I crave those hot (but not too hot) afternoons. And I crave having a sushi place around every corner.

-sigh-

But, I love my family. I love my mom, my dad, my brother, my grandmother.-You too Kim and Olivia.- I love Texas because it's my home. It is a part of me, and how I was brought up. I'm a meat-eating, sweet tea drinking, y'all saying, country girl folks and I won't deny it! I like big trucks, sometimes my "southern" accent gets out, and I really don't mind getting my hands dirty. And, I also love knowing that if something bothers me I can go next door (or when I lived in town I just had to drive 25 minutes) to talk to my mommy. I love knowing that I do get to see my grandmother EVERY day especially now that she's older, and let's face it will one day leave us. I love getting to spend that time. Time we wouldn't otherwise have. I love getting to spend time with my family (they are what's important after all). Because up until I had moved to California, I knew nothing else! Yes, I was rebellious and constantly "hating" life but I still loved my family. 

So, even though I miss California so much and constantly want to go back, I'm always thinking about how much I would miss it here. Not really the town (or the house), but more like the people. The family stability and support I get from being here. But, I am so different and unique in a way that I hardly ever truly feel like I fit in better more in one place than the other. And just like I feel so passionate about Texas and my family here....my husband feels that about California and his family there. 

So what's in store for us, I have no clue? Will I ever be able to live by that beach again? Maybe. Will we make our forever home here in Texas? Maybe. Things are so uncertain, and we can't seem to ever decide on where we want our family to stay. Where do we want to start our life, together, as a family? 

We just don't know.

♥ Layla Grace Marsh 3/9/2010 ♥

This story truly breaks my heart. And what’s worse, is that there are so many children out there suffering! Not only from cancer, but from several other diseases. It seems like the farther we get along, the worse it gets. We have mother’s having abortions, people starving in other countries, children dying, hate crimes, and a whole bunch of other problems! And most of us just sit here, and we go on living our lives, pretending our own little problems are the end of the world. I AM GUILTY OF THIS! I am so guilty of this.

So when I ran across this story, I couldn’t help but break down into tears. Here was a family that lost their baby to something as ugly as cancer, and I was worried about Emery not self-soothing yet? What is WRONG with me?!? There are parents out there that have lost a child to SIDS, CANCER, STILLBIRTH, CAR ACCIDENTS, DISEASES, DEFECTS, and MISCARRIAGES! Women who would love to have my “problem”. Babies who would love to not have to go through chemo, be hooked up to a monitor, go through surgery, and just get a chance to run around outside! 

Every 4 hours a child dies from cancer. That’s 6 children a day. That’s one too many.

7,000 Babies die due to SIDS each year (that’s almost one every hour every day).

According to Child Maltreatment 2009, an estimated 1,770 children died as a result of abuse or neglect in 2009.

I know that GOD does things for a reason, and I know that all of those children are playing in heaven. And I hope that one day I’ll get to hear the sounds of their little feet! That I’ll get to hug every single one of them. But right now, I want to help whoever I can. I want to stop being so selfish and start making a difference for someone out there!! For the amount it costs me to eat out ONCE a week, I could send to help a family pay for chemotherapy. For the amount it takes me to buy Em all those toys, I could give a child a gift to lift their spirits! I would want someone to do that for my child. I would want to know that others were helping me give my little girl a chance. Now I’m not saying stop eating out or stop buying your kids things. I’m just saying, every once in a while, think about someone else. Volunteer, donate, hold fundraisers, send care packages, or even just a card! It really does make that much of a difference.  It really does help. 

Layla Grace Marsh

11/26/2007- 3/9/2010

Layla Grace Marsh was born on November 26, 2007. At 17 months old, she was diagnosed with Stage 4 Neuroblastoma. The next 10 months of her life consisted of chemotherapy, radiation, surgeries, multiple blood transfusions, and a bone marrow harvest and transplant. Her parents, Ryan and Shanna Marsh, chronicled her progress through Twitter and their blog, laylagrace.org. On March 9, 2010—the joy, the beauty, the fighter—gained her wings.

Read Her Mother’s Post, One Year Later Here

And another one here.

Today we remember the little girl that won the world's heart. Today we remember her fight and that she lost the battle but continues to help others. Today we remember that there are still thousands of children out there fighting for their lives!

I Cried...

Good to Great | Layla Grace Children's Cancer Research Foundation

I can honestly say that I hadn't heard about this little girl. Probably because I was so caught up in my own world and problems that I didn't notice anything. I never really got online or watch the news.

And this makes me so sad. We have so many little angels up there...

Cry It Out

 More Like SCREAM BLOODY MURDER!

OK, I've been reading a lot of different blogs that advocate the “Cry It Out” method for sleep time. And this sounds, lovely. I mean, to be able to have our own bed back would be auh-mazing! To not get kicks to the head because somehow my daughter miraculously turned herself around would be fantastic on a level you couldn’t even imagine (or some of you can)!! But here’s my problem- SHE CRIES SCREAMS!! It's not just these little-muffled cries, I’m talking about screams! She hates being in her crib. It's like she's terrified of being alone. I’ve left her in there for 30 minutes and I kid you not that little monster NEVER stopped crying screaming. She paused TWICE just to catch her breath. And it's hard to tell the difference between her angry screams and her terrified screams because they're pretty much the same. So what am I doing wrong people?

I know I probably should not have “co-slept” due to the SIDS risk, but breastfeeding was so much easier like that! And in my defense, I hardly knew anything about SIDS then. –Yes, I know, shame on me.- I’m sorry! I woke up at every little move Em made and I always slept with no pillow and only one sheet (which was kept at my waist for the most part). Once it got cold, Em was put in one of those swaddling suits and slept on top of the covers on her back. So I should get some brownie points for that, no? And now, I’m sidetracking...

Anywho, I’ve been trying to let her cry scream, but it gets to be too much. And that face! O..m...g the face she makes is like you completely broke her heart which is something we as parents aren't supposed to do, right? We're supposed to want to prevent heartbreaks, right? I try to not look at her when she’s crying screaming but sometimes after about 20 minutes it sounds like she’s heaving so I peek, and then I’m a goner. My weakness, I guess. Then, if we finally get her to sleep and put her in her crib, she wakes up at some random hour and she’ll start crying. We keep a night light on, but even if we wait a few minutes her cries don’t dwindle down like most babies, they get higher. And I don’t know about you, but a child crying very loudly at 2:45 am is the LAST thing you want to deal with. And I’m sure my brother (who has to wake up at 4 am) and my husband (who has to be up at 5 am) really don’t want to be awakened by a screaming child. So, I pick her up and bring her to bed with me. She falls right to sleep and doesn’t wake up again till 6 am when it’s time for us to get up for the day. But get this, if I let her sleep with us, she’s out from 8 pm till 6 am (unless she’s sick or she falls asleep earlier than 8 pm).

So what should I do? Keep trying the CIO method and pray that somehow she starts to self-soothe? This will have me waking up throughout the night because now that I am up to speed on SIDS, I worry way too much. I peak in to see if she’s not on her tummy if her paci’s still in her mouth, and I get eye level with her mattress to make sure I can see her breathing. -Yup, I’m that mother.- So, in that time between 8 pm and the random hour of 2:45 am I can’t sleep comfortably because I’m waking up to constantly check on her. Or should I continue as is and just deal with the kicks? Because that seems to be the only way I can get a somewhat good nights sleep. But in the end, it will lead to some more difficult times ahead once she gets older and does have to sleep in her own bed...?

Oh, decisions, decisions.

Happy Friday!!

This weekend is going to be crazy! We're about to put down some new flooring and I'm getting ready to repaint the whole house! One (or two) rooms at a time, and then finally hopefully repaint the outside too. We live in a POS right now (I'll post about that at another time) and only recently have we had the money to start fixing it up. Baby steps, I know, but I'm just excited that this project is getting started in the first place!! 

Wish us luck!! 

Sick, Broken, and Standing

Crap, people. Crap!

Tuesday night, my little monster started getting sick. I was up with her till about 5 am Wednesday morning. She had some major diarrhea and vomiting. On top of that, I was sick too. I guess the bug finally caught up with me. A runny nose, sore throat, and body aches. It was NOT fun at all. She developed a massive rash and I think it might be a yeast infection, but I can’t be sure. If it doesn’t go away by tonight I’m calling them and MAKING them find time to see her. I don’t care if I have to walk in and sit in that waiting room all day. I tried going to work, but Em was just crying and screaming. I could tell she didn’t even want to be moved. So I decided to stay home. She did get a bit dehydrated that day, but we couldn’t schedule her in for an appointment because they were booked. She hadn’t thrown up since that morning so I just asked for some advice. Clear fluids, pedialyte, and lots of rest are what they told me. And that’s just what we did for most of the day.

Fast forward to about 2 pm and Em is feeling better. Enough to want to play with the contents in mommy’s purse. I was doing laundry and really was just thrilled that she was in the mood to do anything that I really didn’t care! Well, she dumped everything out (which is normal), but what I didn’t know is that she had placed my phone right behind my foot. So when I saw her dragging my purse behind her, in front of me, I just assumed my phone was still in there. Nope!! When I took a step back...I felt it. It didn’t crack, just a tiny little glitch in the screen. I assumed it would survive. Nope!! An hour later I wondered why I hadn’t gotten a text from the hubs. Sure enough, the phone was dead. I tried to recharge it and hook it up to the computer. Nadda. That’s what I get for assuming. So, there goes my phone. My lovely connection to the outside world (we have no internet -I have to stand in just the right corner to bounce off the grocery stores wifi- or TV at home). All of those pictures and videos are GONE. That really really upsets me. And now with all of our extra money going into fixing up the house, there is NO room for a new phone. So, I am going phoneless. :-(

In happier news, my little monster stood up on her own last night!! She’s been doing this on the bed, and only for a few seconds at a time, but never while on the floor. But yesterday she was on the floor in her room and she stood by herself for more than 30 seconds! She wobbled a little bit, which scared her for a second, but then I started clapping and saying “Yay!!” and she just lit up! She started clapping with me and she just stood there for a bit longer! It was so exciting to get to see that!! Won’t be too long before I’m having to chase after her!

Today I am still sick. Em is doing better. And it’s back to work! Hope everyone else is having a better week!!