Attitude Adjustments & Pressing Buttons

Y’all, I absolutely love my child. She is the sun, the moon, and all of my stars. There is literally nothing I wouldn’t do for her. When I was in the hospital bed, getting ready to deliver her, they had me sign a bunch of paperwork and answer several questions about what they needed to do in case of an emergency. The nurse asked, “If there are any complications, and it comes down to you or the baby who do you want us to save?” “Her,” I answered, “Just save her.” If you’re a parent, you probably know this love I’m talking about first hand. It’s truly unconditional. There are so many times when I catch myself looking at her while thinking, “Wow, I get to be her mom. How fucking lucky am I? I mean, what did I do to deserve this gift??” It’s an amazing thing, right? Right. Well, I want you to keep all of what I just said in mind as I head into this next section because it's a doozy. 

Y’ALL, MY KID IS DRIVING ME INSANE. HER ATTITUDE CAN BE SO DAMN FRUSTRATING AND ANNOYING! And our house is just not big enough to hold both of our stubborn tendencies. I mean, what the hell happened between seven years old and nine years old? It’s like the “Invasion of the Body Snatchers”. Only in slow motion. I went from having this wonderful little girl who loved to be around me and listened to me when I asked her to do something without complaint. A little girl that said please, and thank you. She smiled at everything. Very rarely would she ever talk back, and in the instances that she did all I would have to say was, “Emery, that’s not very nice. I’m really disappointed in your behavior right now.” This usually led to, “I’m so sorry mommy! I promise I’ll be better. Please don’t be disappointed.” The behavior or attitude would go away, and all was well with the world. Do you want to know what response I get these days? “Life’s full of disappointments, mom! You’ll be okay.” Yea! I mean, technically she’s right, but dude she’s nine. She’s constantly responding to me with, “NO” or “I’m not doing that.” or my favorite, "I. DON'T. WANT. TO." She'll huff, slam her bedroom door, or roll her eyes. And don’t even get me started on the daily battle that is waking her up and getting her ready for school in the morning. I never knew just how big of a meltdown a kid could have by just asking them to put on pants. The real ones, not the jeggings. And if I’m being honest, the two’s, three’s, four’s, and five’s were a cake walk compared to nine. Not to mention that she also still insists on sleeping with me. I have to bargain and bribe if I want to get one or two nights in my own bed. Because if I don’t, the little sneak will wait until I’ve fallen asleep and then come on in to make herself comfortable. Then I get a pretty rude awakening around 3 AM to her little body flung across mine. Or getting kicked in the head. And what the hell, I’m the adult, right? Right. 

Anyway, it’s been a little rough lately. The only male, disciplinary, figure she seems to fear is my brother. So, a few weekends ago I asked him to talk to her. Maybe, hearing this stuff coming from him would cause something to click in her mind? Of course, I was lectured too. “Raquel, you’re the parent.” and “Raquel, you need to start disciplining her.” Followed by, “Raquel, you’re her mom not her friend.” and “All I’m hearing are excuses. Put your foot down or she’s going to walk all over you.” And well, he’s not wrong. But “doing” is so much harder when I get stuff like, “Ughh! Mom, you’re the worst. Why can’t I stay with dad?” thrown at me. Or, “I did do what you told me. If you wanted that other stuff done too you should have mentioned it.” (Kim, technically, you should be proud - she expects specifics.) Then there are the moments when she hugs me so tight, and she says  "Mom, you're the best. Thank you for being so awesome!" or the very famous, “Mom, can I please sleep with you? I love you so so much and I don’t want to be away from you.” Oohhh, does that last one get me. Every. Single. Time. And then I’m giving in. Or I’m doing the stuff for her instead of making her do it. Or I’m letting the attitude slide. I give her a look when she talks back, but then we both know I'm just going just give up. And this just isn't getting us anywhere. So, this is why I wanted my brother to have a talk with her. To kind of back me up. Maybe put the fear of God in her a little bit too? Because I was honestly just grasping at straws when it came to figuring out how to address all of this. 

After their little talk, some disciplinary action, and a deal that was brokered between the two, things have been somewhat better. Enough of a change that Beau even noticed a difference. “Did you notice that she’s not talking back that much?” he mentioned one afternoon. However, it’s not all over with. She still tries to test our boundaries, and push my buttons. Though lately, it’s more along the lines of bedtime extensions, bathing practices, and sleeping arrangements. There have been a few instances where she’s said a few things about Beau and my’s relationship. Little pokes and prods here and there at both of us. The difference is that now I share what’s being mentioned in front of him so that he knows too. And now that she’s catching on to the fact that we’re actually communicating about things the comments have started to become less frequent. But boy if this doesn’t feel like we’re getting a little glimpse into the future. I’m already dreading the teenage years, y’all. In fact, if we could just skip that whole phase that would be great. I mean, is it just my kid? Is it typical behavior for kids with divorced parents to act like this? Or is it just this age? One of my co-workers says it's that year in general. Something about 2010 babies, and having really stubborn "devil-may-care" attitudes. One of his is the same age as Emery. And as much as we're warned about the "two's" and "three's", you'd think we'd hear something about this, right? Well, I don't know about you but I had never even heard of, nor was I ever warned about the “terrible pre-teens”. But damn, if we haven’t arrived. So, wish me luck! Say some prayers. Send me all the good vibes. Toss some of them in Beau’s direction too. And let's just hope that we can all make it through to the other side intact. 

Sh*t My Kid Says

Have any of you parents out there ever asked some smart ass question in sarcasm only to have your kid dish it back to you? Then you really don't know whether you should be offended, or proud because damn wasn't that some crazy shit you wished you had thought of first? Or maybe they hit you with some brutal honesty that you'd rather not hear? Well, for those with little ones who haven't started talking yet, just you wait. But for the rest of us, just know that this happens to me often. Sometimes I wonder if I haven't created a little monster. So for your amusement I'm going to share a little conversation that my daughter recently had with me.

Her: Mom, you're so small.

Me: Awwe, thank you little.

Her: Your belly isn't a marshmallow belly like daddy's.

Me: *mentally basking in that victory*

Her: But MOM!Your arms are soooo jiggly! Why are they so jiggly?! I mean, look mom...

*smacks my arm* ...it's like WAVES!!!

Me:

Her: *smacks my arm again repeatedly* Whoooa, look at all the WAAAAVVVEEEESSS!!! 

*proceeds to act like she's swimming in water*

My daughter ladies, and gentlemen! 👏 Taking shots at my self esteem since she learned how to put together complete sentences. I guess we now know what I need to focus on when I hit the gym, huh? Anywho, I know January has basically been one long catch up post. But I think I have everything up to speed now. I can't believe we're just a day away from February! My little is going to be seven in a few weeks!! How crazy is that?! Well, I hope you got a nice little giggle out of this like I did. Happy Monday!

Friendships and Parenting Don't Always Mix

First, let me just say that contrary to this posts “mood”, I am actually in a good mood today. It’s just something I have been thinking about for a while now. Second, this is long! 

So, this post is about friendships and how I feel about some of the friends “in my life” right now. By friends I mean: People you talk to regularly, go visit, or share your thoughts with. And I used to have a ton of people in my life! If you even check out my Facebook, it would seem as though I have more than my fill of friends. But some, I don't even talk to anymore. There was a time when I would have gladly taken a bullet for some, and some I defended with everything I had. But when it came down to it, the minute I was pronounced Mrs. Rosenbalm, it’s like I was no longer a person that could do anything on her own. The calls stopped, and no one invited me anywhere. They would ask my husband “Hey, do you and your girl want to come over and hang later?” or “Hey, do you want to come over? Raquel can come too.” It was like they assumed I wasn’t allowed to make decisions as to where we were going to hang out, or like I couldn’t even go out at all anymore. My husband says they were just “respecting him as being the husband”. And I guess I could see that, but it still bothered me a little.

Well, then I became pregnant. And all of a sudden I was just the party pooper/raging bitch that didn’t want to have fun anymore. Most of my friends took off at this point. No calls, no nothing. My husband got calls though, and then he’d get upset with me for not wanting to go anywhere. But, I was PREGNANT! He wasn’t and he had no idea what was going on inside of me. Now if I wasn’t throwing up, I was tired from being at work all day. If I wasn’t reading up on what pregnancy was going to be like, I was trying to manage bills and rent. It was as if I had gone from being this 21 year old to a sixty years old overnight. I was/am trying to be responsible. And all this while trying to keep my marriage together, trying to have a healthy pregnancy, and trying to keep my husband's drug use to a minimum (and out of jail)- that’s when we started having problems. ((But that’s a story for another time, maybe. Everything’s good now.))

So here are all of my “friends” talking about how I’ve changed so much, and how I just “don’t know how to have fun anymore.” And there I was, wondering why the hell I had these friends in the first place? I mean, really? Who does that? I believe that once you become pregnant, you have some major life-changing to do. It shouldn’t be all about parties, your next high, or “hanging out”.  You are now responsible for a tiny little human. That child will rely on your for a very long time. It is up to you to love them, teach them, care for them, and provide for them. So, it goes without saying that my “fun times” were now pretty much over. Because I couldn’t be in between. I couldn’t be this party girl that got drunk/high every week(end) and be a good mom at the same time. That’s just not going to happen. And that right there was pretty much the nail in some of my friendship coffins. I know that some of these people still talk about it. One “friend” even told my husband recently

“Man, she used to be all about getting high and having a good time, and now she’s just boring and doesn’t want to have anything to do with any of it? Fuckin lame.”

Can you believe that? Being called lame for being a responsible parent? Yea, he’s no longer considered a friend in my eyes. In the end, I really don’t care what he (or anyone else) thinks because I know that I’m doing a damn good job at being a mom. But it just blows my mind that “responsible parenting” is seen as “lame”. And this is why I don’t see how younger girls, rush into it. If you don’t want to give things up, if you still want to go out and rage, don’t let yourself get pregnant! Use protection! I knew from the moment I started having sex (at 19, with my now husband) that if I ever became pregnant I was keeping it, and that I was going to have to leave my party ways behind. And I was ok with those consequences! It would be a responsibility I would (and have) taken gladly. Again, I’m sidetracking...sorry!!

Anyway, I know your life isn’t “over” just because you had a kid. It’s all about balance because you do need time for yourself from time to time. You need to cut loose a bit, for your sanity as well as for your marriage. But I couldn’t dabble anymore. I have such a hard time with balance (in case you haven’t noticed). So I went from one extreme to the other. I went from partying really hard to not going out at all hardly. I went from getting drunk on the weekends to maybe having a total of three beers in a MONTH. All because I don’t want to screw this up. I don’t want to fail at being a mother. I don’t want to let my daughter down. I don’t want there to ever be something more important to me than my family and real friends. Because none of those highs will ever be better than seeing my daughter smile and giggle. Those highs will never be better than getting to see her do things for the first time. I don’t ever want to miss out on that.

To me, being a mom isn’t something you do because everyone else is doing it. It’s not something you do because you think it’ll be nothing but fun. It’s not something you should enter into lightly because you want “someone to love you”. Parenting is hard work. It’s stressful sometimes. You worry, you cry, you have some amazing times. But it’s not something you can just hand back and say “You know what...I’m just not ready for this right now.” This is another human being; another soul that you must care for. And I don’t want to fail her.  Unfortunately, there are people out there that don’t see it that way. I know plenty of parents idiots that even after having a kid continue to use drugs (and I’m not talking about weed). They still get drunk and even bring their child along to the parties (going home after they’ve “sobered up”). And that pisses me off! I wish I could just tell them to grow up! To be responsible for their KIDS! To stop putting their babies in harm's way for their own selfish wants! But, they don’t want to let go. They want to continue life as if they never had a kid.

So that’s why I’m removing some people from my life. And not in an awful “I hate you go away” kind of way. More like a “see you soon” kind of way. Because some of these friends, well, they still haven’t grown up. They are still out there having “good times” with no responsibilities. And I don’t want to feel like I’m missing out on those good times because I can’t be out there doing the same. I don’t want to feel like I’m being left behind when really, I just ran ahead. I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing, and I’m tired of feeling guilty about it. One day, I will find that balance that I want. I will find a way to go out and have fun in moderation. I will learn how to control my liquor and not pick fights with my husband. And I will find new friends! Friends that know and understand what I am going through. Friends that are in the same place in life as we are.

 But right now, it’s time for me to let go of some of the ones that don't...

♥ Layla Grace Marsh 3/9/2010 ♥

This story truly breaks my heart. And what’s worse, is that there are so many children out there suffering! Not only from cancer, but from several other diseases. It seems like the farther we get along, the worse it gets. We have mother’s having abortions, people starving in other countries, children dying, hate crimes, and a whole bunch of other problems! And most of us just sit here, and we go on living our lives, pretending our own little problems are the end of the world. I AM GUILTY OF THIS! I am so guilty of this.

So when I ran across this story, I couldn’t help but break down into tears. Here was a family that lost their baby to something as ugly as cancer, and I was worried about Emery not self-soothing yet? What is WRONG with me?!? There are parents out there that have lost a child to SIDS, CANCER, STILLBIRTH, CAR ACCIDENTS, DISEASES, DEFECTS, and MISCARRIAGES! Women who would love to have my “problem”. Babies who would love to not have to go through chemo, be hooked up to a monitor, go through surgery, and just get a chance to run around outside! 

Every 4 hours a child dies from cancer. That’s 6 children a day. That’s one too many.

7,000 Babies die due to SIDS each year (that’s almost one every hour every day).

According to Child Maltreatment 2009, an estimated 1,770 children died as a result of abuse or neglect in 2009.

I know that GOD does things for a reason, and I know that all of those children are playing in heaven. And I hope that one day I’ll get to hear the sounds of their little feet! That I’ll get to hug every single one of them. But right now, I want to help whoever I can. I want to stop being so selfish and start making a difference for someone out there!! For the amount it costs me to eat out ONCE a week, I could send to help a family pay for chemotherapy. For the amount it takes me to buy Em all those toys, I could give a child a gift to lift their spirits! I would want someone to do that for my child. I would want to know that others were helping me give my little girl a chance. Now I’m not saying stop eating out or stop buying your kids things. I’m just saying, every once in a while, think about someone else. Volunteer, donate, hold fundraisers, send care packages, or even just a card! It really does make that much of a difference.  It really does help. 

Layla Grace Marsh

11/26/2007- 3/9/2010

Layla Grace Marsh was born on November 26, 2007. At 17 months old, she was diagnosed with Stage 4 Neuroblastoma. The next 10 months of her life consisted of chemotherapy, radiation, surgeries, multiple blood transfusions, and a bone marrow harvest and transplant. Her parents, Ryan and Shanna Marsh, chronicled her progress through Twitter and their blog, laylagrace.org. On March 9, 2010—the joy, the beauty, the fighter—gained her wings.

Read Her Mother’s Post, One Year Later Here

And another one here.

Today we remember the little girl that won the world's heart. Today we remember her fight and that she lost the battle but continues to help others. Today we remember that there are still thousands of children out there fighting for their lives!

Cold Weather

It has been WAY too cold recently. Monday was cool, sunny, and pretty. Monday night, all hell broke loose and we had ice, rain, and a bit of snow. Woke up to a few cars in ditches. All because certain people think that just because you drive a 4x4 you are guaranteed to triumph over anything. WRONG! So, because of this awful snow (ice), I was able to miss two days of work and get to snuggle up with my little punkin! It had not gotten above 20 degrees until today. So, we spent most of our time in PJ’s and had hot chocolate. Emery would not have anything to do with the snow. It was as if she could not be bothered. We’d show her, hold her by the window, and even attempted to take her out in it. She just did not care. LOL! Those two days made me really want to be a stay at home mommy one day. She lets me kiss her all I want right now, and she’s the best snuggler! Unfortunately, by the time I DO get to be a stay at home mom, Emery will be full grown trying to get away from her mom who likes to give kisses and hugs all the time because it’s just so “embarrassing”. LOL!

But alas, all good things must come to an end and today I had to return to work. Meh. But first, a family “argument” ensued over who was taking who to work and why some of us had to actually be there on time. After that 20 minute conversation, it has made things a bit more clear for me. WE NEED TO MOVE. At least by the end of this year. We got our taxes done last Saturday (YAY FOR HAVING KIDS!!) and so I am happy to say that a good portion of our debt will be paid off! Woo Woo! So excited! It sucks that most of that will have to pretty much be “thrown away” but that’s what we get for letting ourselves get that deep in the first place. But then, we’ll be done! Finished! Well, almost. We might even be able to take a FAMILY vacation to California with what’s left!! Squeeeeeeeee! But, that’s getting ahead of myself. Anywho, with most of this debt taken care of, that will leave us open to pay for other things like RENT on our OWN apartment (my credit is shot; no way we could get a house)! We have to save up for it at first because everything will take a down payment or a deposit. But hopefully, we’ll have plenty saved by the end of this year! I say this now, watch something come up or another expense looms its head over us (never fails).

Anyway, I long for our own place. That sense of independence, and the luxury of having your OWN space. Decorating however you like; doing whatever you like. Having a bedroom (with a door), a bathroom (that works), and a living room!! Yes, the little things in life. I enjoy not having to answer to anyone but yourself! Ahhh, the freedoms! Not to mention, my parents would be highly appreciative of us getting out of there! They love us and have been amazing with us, but there are too many people in that house. And with my aunt and uncle going nowhere fast, WE must be the ones to leave. A first step in allowing THEM to have their OWN place to themselves again. Because I know it’s been straining on them as well.

So now, I must tighten the budget. I must start dividing stuff up and making sure we CAN get as much paid off as possible. I want us to get our own place but only if we can afford it. And hopefully, with a few positive changes coming up, we just might get our wish! 

Choking Hazard

Oh my gosh! I can't take my eyes off of her for a second! My daughter is into EVERYTHING! Constantly crawling back and forth. With so many people living here, it's hard to keep the floor "choke hazard" free. This weekend, Emery has almost choked twice. Once on a piece of leaf (someone brought in on their shoe). And once on a sunflower seed (my dad eats them). Both of these incidents have left me feeling like I'm about to have a heart attack! Terrified that she's going to choke and start turning blue.

Now, I know that children "choke" on things constantly. But after hearing so much and seeing these stories of parents losing their children to the simplest things they could have prevented. Makes me even more scared. Afraid that I'll screw up and dismiss something as simple or non-threatening; that COULD cause my daughter harm.

 And so I fear that I am starting to become one of those overly cautious moms. The kind that keeps their kid on a "leash", make them see a doctor every 3 months, and that goes overboard with Germ X. Emery will be like "The Boy In The Bubble", only the girl version. Gees! How awful does that sound? She's going to hate me. I've even gone as far as thinking about turning our phones and Internet off, so as to not have distractions (Facebook, Fruity Loops). Because it seems that these incidents have been when one of us is distracted. Meaning we weren't both keeping an eye on her. Because let me tell ya, she's a fast baby, and if there aren't two people watching her at the same time it's bad news bears and she's found something to put in her mouth or climb onto before you can blink.

 My daughter's life is more important to me than a status update, or a new track. So what can I do? How can I make sure nothing bad happens to her? She's my life. My baby girl. My love. She is God's gift to me and I feel that if I don't protect t her at all times, I'm insulting him and being a bad mom. But then, I feel as if I can't live life worrying all the time. It wouldn't be much of a life. So...what to do??

Ideal Mom

I shall do a catch-up post later. Right now, I’d like to talk about my guilt, confusion with life, and fear of being a horrible mother.

I am first and foremost, a mother. My actions should speak accordingly, right? I must start BEING the part instead of acting it. Right? So where does that leave my old past time enjoyments? Where does that leave the people I raised hell with? Where does that leave my views on life? Where does that leave my old views on parenting? Where does that leave ME? Not the me now that’s stuck in this weird growing up limbo, but the ME before parenthood happened? How do I let go of the past, in order to be a parent that is responsible and puts their child first? I seem to be struggling so hard with balance. I struggle between letting loose every once in a while, and just completely throwing it all out the window and filling my closet with mommy shorts. Because I can't seem to let go of the ideal picture of what a mother should be. I fall short of that image every day.

Drinking: I can’t take a drink or go out without Em, before I start feeling like I am betraying her. Like I am losing precious moments with her because I am being selfish. I end up not enjoy myself and start looking for any excuse to get home early. I can’t bring myself to cut loose and go to a party (having a babysitter of course) every now and then without feeling like I’m such a shitty person for seeking out those lush feelings again. Those “happy, giggly, bubbly” feelings. Shouldn’t my child bring all of that and more? Shouldn’t SHE be enough? Of course she is! So why should I need anything else? Why do I still think back to those days of drunken carelessness, and feel as if I’ve lost those “feelings” forever? Why do I keep feeling as if I am failing my daughter by wanting to be “young” every once in a while?

Motherhood: I can’t seem to enjoy ANYTHING these days. I try and sometimes I achieve a bit of joy and happiness. But then the pressures of not being a good mom start to weigh on my shoulders. I wonder if I’m not spending enough time with her. Am I doing the right things in life that will eventually benefit HER. Do I not hold her enough? Am I too focused on blogging, working out, or a movie? How much time apart is too much time apart? Are the examples that I and my husband set, as a couple, going to be good for her. What and why do we need to change? How do we go about this? What all must I teach her? Am I teaching her the right things? And let’s not even start on my parents. I swear it’s like I do nothing right in their eyes. To them, I’m still a child raising a child. I appreciate the advice, but sometimes they are OVERLY helpful. Overly critical of my parenting. And that’s only when they let me parent. I ask for them to not feed Emery sweets, and what do they do? Feed her sweets. I tell my parents to feed her the organic baby food, and she’s being fed ICE CREAM or beans. I tell them to let her cry when she’s throwing a tantrum and they are the first to pick her up. I swear, it’s like I don’t get a say in how my daughter should be raised. ALL of this and MORE cross through my head constantly. And half the time, I flip-flop on the answers; the solutions. I can’t make up my mind or seem to focus on one way of doing things. I can’t seem to be OK, with my way of parenting. Especially when I have so many people setting me up on this “Mommy” pedestal that I can’t possibly live up to.

Friendships: My god, I feel as if we have none. I mean seriously I have no one I could run and talk to if something was bothering me. Yes, I have my husband, but sometimes HE is what’s bothering me. To which I would usually talk to someone, clear my head, and THEN go talk to my husband. Sometimes I need to vent and lately, I’ve realized that I have no outlet. I have this blog. But really? Internet friends can only do so much. And then, we have all of our old friends. The ones that are single, non-parents, immature, or parents that party way too much. I feel as if I can not relate to a SINGLE thing they are doing or going through. Everyone posts pictures of being drunk, going out to the bars and getting wasted, or of all of them getting together for BBQ’s or a night out. All of that without so much as a text in our direction. So are they really even friends now? Should I even bother with keeping them in my damn contacts list? Should I even bother making new ones? My life seems to be pretty complicated already. And I seem to keep being told that my daughter should be my only focus and priority. So where do friends really fit in now?  

How do I find balance? I seem to keep asking that, huh? Motherhood has been one of the most amazing, joyful and yet confusing, frustrating times I have ever had the pleasure of going (and continuing to go) through. How can anyone ever really be a “young” mom? A “young” parent? Parenthood brings on a whole new set of responsibilities. And you can’t face them as a naive, “young” person. You can’t hold on to your past because that no longer exists. You are no longer an I. You are now a WE.  But how much change is too much? And how do you keep a bit of yourself as you go through this transition? You can’t, can you? You have to face these new responsibilities as a responsible, adult. There’s no more childish, youthful carelessness allowed anymore. That me, must go. Right?

Ah, balance.

You are such a bitch to attain.