Wedding

I'm happy about weddings. It's nice to see people in love. But all of this buzz about the Royal wedding is a tad bit ridiculous. A lot of gossip and news columns are reporting the cost to be well over 20 million dollars! I’d much rather see the money they are spending on this wedding go to a much better use. There are so many people, children, and countries that could use the money. And here it is, being wasted, for someone to get their "dream" wedding. Because they are considered royalty? Such a shame. 

3 Miles

I had this huge post about my exercise routine, and how things were coming along. Then the computer decided to be mean and not save it. So, to sum it all up:

I love to run but I've been feeling bad about focusing too much on getting in shape and not enough time on my little bird. So, I went out and bought a jogger. $40 at the Flea Market! Can you say, SCORE!? Unfortunately, running with a jogger takes mad skills that I do not have. I have to move my arms when running and you can't with a jogger. And I hate feeling like I'm going to trip on one of the back wheels the entire time. Plus, Emery likes to stop and look at the horses, or play with rocks and that kind of gets in the way with me trying to improve my time. Still, I use it to go on walks, my cool down laps, or when we go to the Flea Market! So, not a total loss.

*Drum roll please*

Yesterday, I ran my first 3-mile run, since high school. It was amazing! I've been building up to it and with my recent 2 or 2.3 mile runs being pretty consistent, I figured why not do the whole 3 miles this time around?! Wahoo!! I'm so feeling it in my legs today!! But every time I get that sore feeling, I smile because I did 3 MILES without stopping!! My time wasn't bad, but it wasn't great either (34:40). So my goal is to run a 5k in 30 minutes (give or take a few seconds)! I've got some work to do! But, I'm still pretty proud of myself!

Also, to help with "mixing up" my exercise routine, my brother bought me a road bike!! It's pretty sweat. I'm going to buy a few more accessories to "pimp" it out and then I might post pictures. LOL! I've been trying to go for rides after I've done like a mile or two running and so far I've done 8.3 miles without stopping! But, let me point out right now that even though I LOVE my bike, that sucker is heavier than shit. So, you kind of, have to give me a tiny bit of a break. I refuse to fork over $500+ on a bike! You should hear how much my brother, his girlfriend, and my dad have spent on their bikes! It's really beyond me. But I guess they're in it for life, so I'll let it slide. Anyway, my goal is to do a 12 or 13-mile ride! Maybe, I'll be ready in time for our local Dr. Pepper Tour...hmmm? (Kim, this does not mean I'm actually going to do it.)

Now, my dieting has been, crappy! I try and stay in or under my calorie budget, but it won't help if all I eat is JUNK, right? Damn! So, once we get all of this stuff with our explorer figured out (omg...don't even get me started!) and we've paid off the lawyer. I'll be spending the extra money on more groceries! But, I want to start buying strictly organic, and meals that are HEALTHY, not just the "pop in the microwave and go" kind. And, I'm going to start dedicating time to preparing our meals. Which will probably keep me up later, but hopefully it'll help us save money too. So as for weight loss, I'm still holding at 171 lbs. I'm still chubby and I still giggle. Meh.

p/s I bought a bike trailer this past weekend, AT THE FLEA MARKET, for 20 bucks (score!) and we're in the process of fixing a strap on it. Then, it'll be ready to go! It literally looks brand new, and that's without me cleaning it yet. So once it's ready, I'll polish it up a bit, and the EMERY can come with me on short (eventually long) rides! Pretty excited about this!! 

Fuck! <----Yea. That's Right, I Said It!

Today has been a frustrating day. Everything is hitting me all at once. I feel like I'm about to snap; it won't be pretty.

Here are the key points:

• My boss is awesome, and I’m so happy for their new addition. But my goodness, this place is a mess without him! I’m counting the days till he comes back so I won’t feel so lost.

• FUCK Cancer, FUCK CF, and FUCK anything that causes pain, suffering and takes the lives of innocent babies. They are innocent damn it!

• I want to take that POS explorer and bash the hell out of it! I want to take all the money it’s cost us, is costing us still, and put it towards a down payment on a NEW vehicle. A reliable one. Then, I want to send the damn explorer over a fucking cliff!

• I wish everyone would stop giving me shit! I am trying. I am trying to get everything organized, paid off, and get us back on our feet. So just SHUT UP and leave me ALONE. Just for five freakin' minutes I would love to not be JUDGED, SCOLDED, or TOLD HOW CRAPPY OF A JOB I’M DOING. I’m doing the best that I can do!

• I NEED A DAMN VACATION!

That is all. 

Wasted and Embarrassed

I think I’m over drinking for good. This past Saturday was the craziest I’ve been in a VERY long time. I’m talkin' about 18 years old crazy. And that wasn’t always a good crazy. I’m slightly embarrassed. Not gonna lie. I won’t go into the whole night, but I will tell you the most embarrassing part. I flashed my husband. Yup, I flashed my husband in front of EVERYONE. So, I guess, I flashed everyone. Don’t judge, I was wasted. Anywho, there was a bit of arguing (not over the flashing), and then I got all down about being a crappy mom due to my behavior. Yea, I can’t believe I acted that way either. It was a little sad if I do say so myself.

This is not me, here's the credit.

Anyway, Sunday was hell. I had a headache, almost fainted, almost threw up a few times, and my balance was completely off. Em stepped on a piece of glass, and I think it hurt me more than it hurt her. The blood didn't help me feel better either. In fact, it made my stomach turn. Blah! It just wasn’t a good day, and we spent a lot of it napping. My husband is awesome because he didn’t have a hangover so he took care of Em for most of the day and let me nap. He wasn't mad about the flashing, even though I‘m still beating myself up over it! In fact, he said that out of everyone there, only two other people may have seen them, and they probably needed to see a good set of boobs. Still, it wasn't “good wife & mommy behavior”, and I feel really bad about it. But, what can I do? It’s done, my husband isn’t mad, and so I must move on.

Now, I know I’ve said it before about easing up on the drinking. But seriously, this time I think I need to cut alcohol out completely. I understand having a girls night with dinner and a few drinks. Or maybe having a few beers with the hubs here and there. But no more liquor, and I’m sticking to SIX packs only. They get me nicely buzzed and they’re cheaper. Also, I will be spreading these “fun times” apart. Literally, they need to be months apart. If I have any more at all. I really need to quit altogether, but my husband gets offended if I don't at least have a "good time" with him and friends every now and then. Also, I feel like drinking is setting me back in my weight loss which I really don't like. Beer bellies are so unattractive, and they giggle. I already giggle enough, thanks. Plus, I don’t ever want to feel as out of control as I did on Saturday. I’m a wife and a mother for crying out loud! I should be more responsible than that. I should act more like what I am now instead of who I was before.

Other than that, our weekend was good. I still feel sick today though. Gr! But we got the news that our explorer should be completely fixed and ready to go by tomorrow morning at the latest. I'm excited to have our own vehicle again! Finally! Now we just have to work on my husband's license and we will be ready to go! Emery was 14 months as of yesterday and it makes me a little sad. Makes me want another baby so bad. But like I said before, right now is not the best time. I'll check back on that subject when Emery hits 18 months, LOL! Oh! And tonight, the hubs also has game #2, and I really hope it goes better than last weeks, for their morale sake anyway. I hope I actually get some pictures in this time too! Wish him luck!

That's about it for me today. I'm going to go puke now (ewwww) and pray that I get over this quickly! Hope everyone had a better weekend than I did! 

I’ve Been Had!

So, around the time I was all prego, I started noticing all of these “Your Baby Can Read” commercials, and thought “Wow! They’re so young & they’re READING! WE have to have this!!“ I want Emery to learn. I want her to enjoy reading. To not have a hard time in school and know that she is a smart girl. Whatever she wants to do, she can! Because in all honesty, I don’t want MY life (financially) for her. 

I never went to college, and only now am I looking into going back. I was an average student, but only because I had to be. If I wasn’t, no basketball for me. So, I tried to make at least A/B’s. Then, we got homeschooled and I graduated at home. And, well, you guys know the rest! But now that I’m older, I’ve noticed that finding a job without a college education is getting harder and harder to do. It’s no longer about the experience and knowing how to do things. It’s about having a diploma! A degree. Something people can say you went to school for, so you must know everything about it. And right now education is a big thing, even if the USA is falling really really short in the public education department. But still, looking back I wish I would have done it all while it was freshly stamped into my brain. Now, I’m having to try and make time to learn it all over again, just to pass an ENTRANCE exam. Finding time to do this while raising a baby, having a full-time job, and being a wife has proven to be VERY difficult! And I’m not sure if it will EVER become a reality.

So now, I don’t want my daughter going through the same thing. I don’t want her to grow up dreading school or being teased because she may not be up to par in reading and writing. I don’t want her to struggle with finding a job, or providing for her family (if she doesn’t stay at home). So I thought that if we turned her on to learning early, while she’s little, it’ll just be something that comes “naturally”. Something she loves to do! So when I saw all of these commercials for “Your Baby Can Read”, and some other parents we knew were saying good things about it, I jumped at the chance to buy the box set from Wal-Mart.

I had always read that TV is bad for baby’s, so we didn’t really use it that often. Once a week, maybe? I figured as she got older, we could use it more. Last night, was our “once a week” night and she would clap when the word “Clap” would appear. She’d open her mouth when they would say to. And she would raise her hands when they would say to. I thought “Omg! She’s really doing it! She’s learning!!” I was ecstatic and even played the DVD for a second time. Well, I woke up this morning and started reading the news articles online for today when I came across this.

Yes, it’s a hoax. A scam. Completely misleading. I’ve been had! And that totally sucks!! I was so excited last night. I thought we were really getting somewhere. But now, I kind of realized she was probably just copying our moves. She wasn’t actually reading. Crap! This was a big MOM FAIL! I should have known better.

So now, I’m a little butthurt that I spent $70.00 on something that does more harm than good. Grrr! I guess we can still use the flash cards and the books though. But the DVD’s will collect dust till she’s about 4 years old, maybe, if even then? Because too much TV is bad for babies under two. And I don’t want to set her back any more than I already have.    :-(

So here’s to you Dr. Robert Titzer, you got me!

I Want To Go To Bed!

I need lots and lots of sleep. Maybe a week's worth? Ooohh! Or maybe if we could have a “refresh” button!? That’d be nice. But seriously, I’d like to know when this feeling of being tired all of the time goes away? I used to party and stay out all night, only to wake up the next day at 7 am and be ready for the day by 8 am. Hair done, make-up on, dressed, and ready to go. Now, I can’t even find the time to straighten my hair!! I struggle to climb out of bed at 6 am. Literally, I’ll turn the alarm clock off, and flip over groaning the entire time. Sometimes I even go back to sleep (oops!) and I’ll end up scrambling trying to not be late for work! I absolutely hate it! It really should not be this hard! It’s not depression, because I’m not depressed. And I get plenty of sleep I think. So I would really like for this to stop now, please?

They say to exercise. Well, I run 3-4 times a week, and all that does is make me feel even more sleepy. They say to take vitamins, so I take a multi one. They say to go to bed early, we are usually in bed by 9; asleep by 9:30. So that’s a little more than 8 hours of sleep, that they say we need right?  So why is it that by the time 1 pm hits, I’m ready to be back in bed? To lay down on the softest surface I can find, and catch a few Zzz’s? I hate this tired feeling! I feel like I’m not all there, sometimes because I’m too tired. I feel so lazy. I would like for my old “youthfulness” to return. Now, please?

I’m 23 for crying out loud! I shouldn’t be this tired! I should be up and ready by 6 am, alert and bright-eyed. Ready to face the world, and be super mom. I should still be kicking by 8 pm, not crawling into bed. And yet, as I write this, I’m picturing a nice California King sized bed with lots of pillows, in a dark room, with the A/C on, and a huge fleece blanket!! Ahh, it’s just calling my name!! 

–squee-

Isn’t that sad? How excited I get over that; a bed? Pathetic! I should be that excited about alone time with the hubby, and yet most of the time we BOTH use that time to fit in a nap. How sad, huh? So how can I fix this? How can I turn back that inner “teenage clock”? Because you’d think that crazy lifestyle and those weird hours, with maybe at most 5 hours of sleep in between, would be to my advantage as a mother...?? My once upon a time “Sleep is for the weak” mentality is totally failing me at 23. And quite frankly, this just annoys me.  

Dream Talk

I had a dream that I was pregnant. I looked down at my belly and I saw it move. Just like it used to with Emery. That tiny bump that would pop up when she would move or kick. The fuzzy feeling I got when she’d hiccup. I remembered it so clearly. In my dream, I was afraid to tell my husband (not like he couldn’t tell- I looked like I was about 35 weeks in my dream) because I knew us expecting a second child wasn’t what he wanted to hear. And I started crying.

Then, I woke up.

I constantly think of a second child. Will we ever have one? What will a second pregnancy be like? What about labor and delivery? Would it be the same? Could we handle a second child? And lately, with so many people I know either having babies or getting pregnant, baby # 2 has been on my mind a lot! I even keep a hidden list of potential names! But like I’ve said before, I’m not sure if we’re ready? I’m not sure if my husband will EVER be ready. And this truly makes me sad sometimes. I know that financially, and in the home we are in right now, it would NOT be a good idea to have another baby. But what happens when all of that is done, and behind us? What happens when we are in a good place financially and we have our own place? I’m not sure what place my husband is “mentally”- by that I mean if he’s overall the crap for good- and so I have no idea if it will ever be a good time to talk about having another baby. Because right now, he usually just says “We’re not ready right now. Maybe someday.” And if you haven’t noticed already, I HAVE TO TALK THINGS OUT! And I can’t just wait for “someday” to come around. I’m a planner, dang it! I like to save, be prepared, and have time to get used to things. Emery was unplanned, and I still feel guilty for the drinking *cough* and other stuff that I did *cough*, before I found out I was expecting! I’m not proud of it at all! And I don’t know how many times I’ve beat myself up over it. Emery came out fine, healthy, and she’s ahead of a lot of babies her age from what I’m told. Still, I feel guilty. Like, I should have known better. So, I’d really like to go into the “next” pregnancy healthy and prepared. My way of showing Emery that I’m sorry? I don’t know.

Also, and this may be completely silly, but I want a normal pregnancy. I never got that with Emery. Which is so sad to me. I didn’t enjoy any part of it like most soon to be mommies. I didn’t get to fix up a nursery or have one of those “Pregnancy/Couple” photography sessions. We started out ok, and supportive. But then money became a huge problem. Followed by me ALWAYS being sick and tired. I NEVER did anything! Then my husband and I hit a rough patch, lots of fighting, usually went to the doctor by myself, he was still doing drugs, we had some physical altercations (all ME), lots of name calling, lots of time spent alone at home, and finally he left a few weeks before Emery was born. I was miserable. Things are different now, though! We’re in a good place with each other. Slowly, my trust has started coming back. He’s supportive; such a great father and husband. And now, if we argue, we always make up. And if it’s something stupid, we usually just laugh about it afterward. He really is a good man. So now, I want to have that happy pregnancy! I want to have good memories. I want that damn photo session, and to have us talking late at night over baby names. I want to have a pregnancy where we were both “there and in it” the whole time. But mainly, my reason for wanting another baby is for Emery. I want her to have a sibling.

My brother and I were the only children my mom had and that’s only because my mother had lost her first & fourth child. Her fourth was a miscarriage and while this was happening the doctor told her that she was a high risk-she already had a boy and a girl- so why not tie her tubes? My mom said she was in shock & pain, she looked at my dad, and she just shook her head. She says she regrets it till this day. She said she should have waited till the shock had gone away because they both wanted a big family. They had always wanted at least four or five children. She says she’s sad she never got that. Now, the rest of my aunts and uncles have at least 2-6 kids. So we have a pretty big family! And it was always fun having cousins around. Getting that sense of a really big family. It was wonderful! Now, I personally don’t want four or five, but I do want two. That’s my number. But I don’t know if that number will ever be a reality or just a dream.

Grr, I just wish it were my husband's number too.

p/s Sorry guys, I’m just stressing! I don't like to talk about our "problems", and this really isn't a "problem" because we aren't fighting about it. Things are good right now, I'm not planning on rocking the boat. I just freak out about the future sometimes. This blog becomes my place to talk about it. I don’t want a baby RIGHT now, I just feel like the clock is ticking and I'd just like for it to pause. LOL!

Zombie Mommy

Omg...I want a redo of this past weekend, except that I would like to not have ANYTHING to do. Just a quiet, relaxing weekend, please? Ha! If only! Here’s a recap of my weekend:


Friday

Went for a run and bike ride with my aunt when I got home. Totally refreshed me! And my day got better. Unfortunately, that was the only slow part of my weekend.

Saturday

Woke up at 5, took the hubs to work. Came back, slept for an hour and then Em was up for the day! I fed and clothed both of us and off to town we went! I was told to buy a top for myself for our “night out”, and I had to get a baby shower gift as well as a birthday gift for a last minute party we were invited to! I only got about an hours worth of looking and shopping in because at 9:45 my hubs said he was getting off early. So I went to pick him up and we went to Wal-Mart where he proceeded to be rude and unpleasant. Afterward, we went to pick up a washer and dryer, and it was back home for lunch. 12 pm. Thirty minutes later I was getting the babes and I ready for the baby shower. And we were off! It was a nice baby shower, and the ladies throwing it said they got a lot of ideas from mine. I’m going to add in here that the ladies are some of the women I used to work with (two of the many reasons why I left) so it was a bit awkward, but I wasn’t there for them. I was there for the mommy to be. The shower lasted until around 3:15. The cake was great, the games were fun, the baby got a lot of presents, and everyone was in love with my little girl. Because she’s just so “sweet and calm for her age”. Ha! After saying byes, thank you’s, and good luck, the punkin and I were on our way back home! She fell asleep the minute she was in the car seat and I couldn’t wait to get a nap in. Unfortunately, we got home at  3: 50. The hubs and I had to be at the birthday party by 5:30 (it’s a 40-minute drive). So I took a nice little 20-minute nap and then had to wake up my grumpy other half. We got ready and were out the door at 5:00. Arrived at the little one's birthday party, caught up with friends, and ate some delicious food! We left around 7 pm to head over to our ORIGINAL destination for the night.

My friend's girlfriend’s birthday party (he’s in Afghanistan right now)! We met her at a friend of ours wedding and since they’ve been together I’ve only hung out with her once. But she’s really sweet and nice! Plus she’s a mommy so she KNOWS about the “week in advance” notices you have to get in order to really plan anything! I consider her a friend now too, but I just had to give you the background history. LOL! Anyway, the drinking commenced! My brother agreed to be our DD in case we got hammered, so I was so excited to not have to watch how many drinks I had. But again, unfortunately, I had a tummy ache from all the food I had eaten at the birthday party that I didn’t get to drink that much. And because of that food, it seemed to take a lot of drinks to even get me feeling tipsy. But, I had fun for the most part. I even got to see a friend I hadn’t seen since 2007! Then, to just add the cherry on top, we got to Skype with our friend in Afghanistan!! It was so awesome!! But, during the whole party the hosts, and owners of the house we were in were fighting!! He’s the friend from the wedding I spoke of earlier. We've all been friends for a long time, and these guys were “my boys”, so we've usually been invited to these shindigs. But his old lady has never liked me, and in fact, was a bit surprised when I showed up. Turns out she gave the birthday girl the 21 questions as to why I had been invited? Hmm, I guess it’s not a party if there’s no drama! But anyway, I kept my nose out of it, and I even asked if they wanted me to leave because I didn't want to cause any problems. Everyone told us to stay, and then halfway through the night, shit hit the fan. All I can say is that stuff was thrown, doors were slammed, and my friend ended up having to drive off for about 45 minutes, leaving us all there wondering what the hell was going on?! Once he came back, we (birthday girl, another male BFF, and I ) had a good 30 minute heart to heart with him. We just listened to him vent and let him know that whatever he decides to do, is all up to him and we're there for him 100%. That was our cue to head out, so I called my brother and we left at 1:00 am. I’m proud to report that I wasn't drunk, I had handled myself well. But still being the responsible person I did call my brother because I didn't want to chance getting pulled over, and they drove us home. We were in bed by 2:00 am, and then up at 6:30 am for Sunday!

Sunday

Was lazy for the first half of the morning. I had taken Aleve before drinking so I had no hangover, woo hoo! We fed and clothed ourselves to get ready for the day. The house was (is still) a mess, so I started to clean a little. Finally making my “recycle” trash cans for plastic and aluminum. I did a load of laundry and then put the grumpy punkin down for a nap. 12 pm came and we were off to town! Dropped my hubs off at a friend's house to get in a jam session (man time), and the little one and I did some shopping. OMG! I spent way too much. I’m debating on taking some of the stuff back and I’m pretty sure I will tomorrow. It was just...wow. I normally do great and stay in a budget, so I have no idea what the hell happened. After that, we made it to my MIL’s for a BBQ. Went to pick up the hubs 30 minutes later and just had a bit of downtime while she cooked. We watched STARDUST, and let Emery draw and play. The food was great and she even had dessert and some mac and cheese for Emery made. We left at about 4:45 pm, and we all slept once we got home! We were out from 5:30- 7:30 pm and Em woke up at about 9 pm! I woke up once in between with some major dizziness, so I went back to sleep. All better afterward, but the bad thing about napping so late in the afternoon is not being able to go back to sleep! We were up until about 11:00 pm. But the babes was bathed, and we were all in our PJ’s just watching TV. So it was a good night!

Today, I am really feeling the lack of sleep I got the past few days. And it sucks! This headache is going nowhere, and I still have so much to do today that I have no idea how I’m going to keep my eyes OPEN! And to top it all off, we had a nice rain storm and lightning show early this morning. It was sooo nice! I LOVE RAIN! So to have that kind of cloudy weather made me really not want to get out of bed this morning! But, I gotta go make that money!  Hope everyone else had a wonderful weekend!! And Happy Monday to all of you!!

Happy Friday

I'm sorry, but I LOVE this song. And to be honest, I love Chris Brown. Yes, he made a really shitty decision. Yes, he hurt someone. I do not CONDONE any kind of abuse, and I think he paid pretty nicely for what he did. However, people can change, they can get help, and they can be sorry. Whether he's any of these or not, I don't know. But I can't argue that the man has a nice voice, that he can move, and he's just so nice to look at! LOL!

As for me, today has not been a very good one. I’m listening to music (hence the video) in a sad attempt to maybe salvage the rest of my afternoon? All I have to say on the subject is: I hate being the MIDDLE man! Everyone has each other's numbers, so they need to stop calling me to get information about someone else!!! It’s so ANNOYING! I have enough to worry about.

That is all.

Hope you guys have a WONDERFUL weekend!!! 

p/s I need to go for a run!! Bad!!