Failure

I got my paycheck today. Barely enough to pay for our cell phone bill, a canister of formula and two packs of diapers.

I feel like I'm failing as a mother...

Pretty Fussy

My head hurts. I caught up on my sleep yesterday, finally. I woke up this morning even more tired. My daughter was as bushy-tailed as you can get at 6 am.

Recently, I feel like maybe we let this whole "I want to hold her 24/7" thing go for too long. Because now, my daughter wants to be held constantly. And she's only 4 1/2 months! She doesn't like to stay in her swing or her bouncy seat. And when you do carry her, you have to be standing. If you're not standing she'll start crying. And now that she's wanting to stay awake more, she's constantly crying! Also, when she's sleepy/hungry she will cry and cry. I try to give her a bottle and she spits it out and screams. 15 minutes later she's opening her mouth because she wants the bottle.

And to be honest, this frustrates me. I can't seem to get much done because she's crying and I'm trying to make her happy. I tried the whole "just sit her down and walk away" trick. But she cried for twenty minutes and she ended up gasping for air. So I had to pick her up.

How do you stop this? I can't help but think that maybe I'm too late, but I'm grasping at the ends of hope. Has anyone else out there had to deal with this?

2 Hours

I'm running on 2 1/2 hours of sleep.

I'm exhausted.

And my feet are still stained in blood.

I need a shower.

You Know How I Said

That this was a "fresh" start? Well, I'm afraid the bad just couldn't stay away.

It's 2 am and they have just let me in to see my husband. He was pretty shaken up, and he kept asking what he did to deserve this. He's just now fallen asleep and he did nothing to deserve this. But now, because some dumbass saw a nice pitbull he thought he could use my husband is laying in an emergency room, having a blood transfusion, getting his face stitched up, and in a tremendous amount of pain!!

I feel like hunting down the man that did this and breaking every bone in his god damn body!! Oh, he'll get his that's for sure. Maybe not by me, but we have to talk to the officer some more tomorrow, and hopefully they'll have enough information to arrest these men. God, I hope so.

Drum Drum Drum

Her daddy's a musician, drums are just one of many instruments he plays.

Tired, Ok Way More Than Just Tired

First, I have decided to not transfer my blog. This will be my new one, along with my "mommy" blog, and it'll be like a fresh start.

Second, I need to find a new job. Once Emery hits 6 months, she won't have to see a doctor (god willing) for a good while. So I can put her on Medicaid until I can get insurance again. My current job is not getting me anywhere. I'm the lowest paid bc of my lack of education and they will not let me grow within the company, even when I've been there longer than some. So why should I stay?

Third, I need to get back to school. I've been trying to study but everyone's been so busy and it's hard to get someone to look after Emery while we study. And have you tried studying while taking care of a baby at the same time? It's not that easy. And to be honest, my motivation is lagging a bit this week.

Fourth, Emery is teething and wanting to stay up later than usual. She's so fussy and cries constantly. It's usually worse in the late afternoon/night. And I know it's not her fault, but because of her teething, she'll wake up a minimum of 6 times throughout the night! I find myself crying sometimes because I don't know what to do. So I am usually pretty tired by 8am and my days just starting.

This past week is finally catching up to me. I am so tired I could fall asleep for a few days. But I have a little munchkin who will make sure that I only get 4 hours of sleep, max. Thank god tomorrows Friday.

My Ten Things

I recently saw someone’s blog with a list of ten things they would tell their daughter about sex. And on one of those, it said: “abortion is perfectly ok”. Now, I respect her views and I am not one to preach to you. But at this, I had to disagree. I am completely against abortion. Not only do I think it’s an “easy” way out, but I feel that it is also MURDER.

Have these girls not ever seen those abortion pictures? Even the ones that show a fetus at 4 weeks (the point when most women find out they are pregnant), they have TINY FINGERS, TINY TOES, AND LITTLE EYES. Oh, and  PULSE! Which means a heart, ladies. Now, I understand that some people out there don’t believe that it’s a person, but if all those things don’t count as a living person, then what does? I guess if you don’t count that as being a person, it’s ok for someone to kill us all because they don’t want us, huh?

I understand that there are certain circumstances that would cause people to say “Well, what if they were raped?” Well, just like it wasn’t their fault that they were raped, that baby had no fault in being created. It had no choice. So until they do have that choice, who are you to take it away from them? Who are you to not give them the right to live? If you don’t want the baby, give it to someone who does

.

I also think that abortion is an excuse for young girls to have sex. “Well, if something ever did happen and I ended up pregnant, I could just get rid of it.” Wrong. If you think that you're old enough to be having sex, then you better be old enough to deal with the consequences.

But that’s just MY opinion. I don’t knock on anyone who has had an abortion though. Whatever their reasons. A friend of mine had two, and even though I didn’t agree with her decision, I still love her. So don’t think that I’m out trying to persecute anyone. I’m just expressing how I felt about the topic. 

So here are my TEN things I will tell my daughter about SEX:

1. You can start having sex when you hit the same age mommy was when she first started having sex. (I was two weeks away from my 19th birthday)
2. If you are having sex, don’t think that abortion will be an option. So be ready for the consequences.
3. Your virginity IS something special, so don’t just give it to anyone. Just because a guy says he loves you today, doesn’t mean he will tomorrow. Be careful.
4. A lot of guys WILL tell you they love you, just to get into your pants.
5. Don’t have sex just to keep a guy with you. Never works out.
6. Make sure YOU are ready. It is a very emotional thing.
7. Now once you do start having sex, I will be more than glad to get you birth control and condoms. I’d rather you be safe and I know that you’re doing this so you can talk if you need to than you NOT be safe because you’re too scared to tell me.
8. Pulling out does NOT mean safe sex and it does not mean you won’t get pregnant.
9. Having a child is NOT awful, but when your not ready and when your still so young, it can make things harder. For you and the child.
10. No matter what, I LOVE YOU. And you can always come to me for anything.