Blah!! This Sucks!

First, let me start off with some GOOD news. WE have OUR explorer up and RUNNING again!!! YAY US!! No more having to borrow my parent's vehicle!!! Today, my husband is going to get an alignment done, and the inspection sticker. It will be ready to go this afternoon! I am BEYOND excited!! So, at least that's going well.

Next, I gained more weight. I have fallen off the bandwagon. HARD. I have two things to blame for this. My lack of motivation, and my job. My lack of motivation is a big part. I looked at myself yesterday, and I literally felt disgusted. And I thought to myself "Omg, you're never going to be that perfect size 8 ever again..." I feel so ashamed for letting myself go in the first place. But now, trying to lose the weight seems that much more impossible. PLUS, my husband has decided that in a year or two (maybe three, but that's it) he'd like to have another baby. This comes after 6 months of him saying: 

 "No. Absolutely NO more babies! Emery is handful already. How are we going to afford college for her much less another one?! Absolutely NOT. Nuh uh, no way."  

On Monday, he "nonchalantly" stated that we WOULD (in the future) be having another child. He was playing with Emery, dancing around, tickling her, and she was giggling so hard. That's when he stopped and he said: 

"Well, Emery's about to start walking, and in a year or two, she's not going to be as clingy. She's not going to find this stuff as funny anymore, and I'm going to want another baby. So in two years or so we'll have another baby then." 

It came out of nowhere. I did a double take in my head. Was that really coming out of his mouth? Crap! I was just wrapping my head around the idea of us NOT having any more children and then he goes and spouts this off? What the HELL?!?! So, I replied: 

"WELL, it'll have to be in a year or so because I'm not about to get all in shape only to have to get fat again. And I'm not having children after 26. I want to be able to DO stuff once they're both out of the house. AND it's a 50/50 shot that we'll get a boy next time, so I don't want you all mopey if we end up with TWO girls. So we better be sure."

So now, the idea of having to get fat again has seriously messed with my weight loss plan. I KNOW, that I still need to kick my ass back in shape REGARDLESS of whether we decide to get pregnant again. But, seriously?! All that hard work....just to blow up again?! Oh god, that's so discouraging.

So how does my job fit into this? Well, let's just say that my work environment is horrible. It drains me by 11:00 am. I get home, and all I want to do is...nothing. Dealing with bullshit, drama, gossip, and the ongoing power struggle takes a huge toll on me. That accounts for my laziness and lack of energy lately. I mean, seriously, I have to muscle up the energy to shower when I get home. Yea...that bad... 

Babies and Pets

Oh man...I read this story today, that made me really sad. A couple left their newborn in the room with their family dog for a "second" and the dog killed the baby. Unfortunately, it was my favorite breed that did this.  

Dog Attacks Newborn

I swear things just look worse and worse for these dogs every year. I am a "Proud Pit Bull Mommy". I love Sampson. He was our first "child", and sometimes I feel bad for not having as much time for him as I used to. But, my EMERY comes first! Still, I feel that these dogs get such a bad light cast on them, and I am blaming the owners. Lousy dog ownership.

I do NOT leave Sampson alone with Emery. EVER. In fact, he became an outside dog three month before Emery was born. And my mother won't even leave Brinks (the Boston Terrier) alone with her either. There is a reason for this. Emery is a baby. And no matter how nice or friendly our dogs have been or are, they are still animals. Sampson has been wonderful around other children, and we take him for walks with us when we take Emery out in the stroller. But he's always on a leash. When he was being introduced to children, and to Emery he was always supervised and on a leash. So, this brings me to ask,

WHAT WERE THESE PARENTS THINKING?!?!

I know that we LOVE our pets, but when it comes to our BABIES (& children) we should all start being a bit more careful. More responsible. When we decided to take Sampson I did my research on the breed, and I always took precautions. With ANY dog, you have to be cautious. They lack that control that most of us humans have. I say most because we as humans also have our bad guys out there. If something makes us mad, annoys us, looks at us the wrong way, or smells funny WE can control how we react/act out on this. Animals are a bit different. Their reactions involve being protective, or violent. You can see this with any animal! Even if you have an amazingly well-trained dog, in one second he could just as easily disobey you. They all at one point or another act out, Samp does it when he's annoyed with us (ex: chewing on clothes, jumping on you repeatedly, or ignoring you altogether -- kinda sounds like a teenager--). And that's why I believe that when it comes to CHILDREN and PETS you must be extra careful. No matter what the breed.

It's like I always say, EDUCATE yourselves! I'm not perfect, and I know we all make mistakes, but had these parents been more cautious. Had they taken the "animal instinct" these dogs have, more seriously, they might still have their little one. And this makes me even sadder. This baby only had four days on this Earth. Four days of life, and it was taken away, just like that.

So when it comes to your children, and your pets I'm urging you to read up on the breed and to be careful! Never leave your little ones alone with the pet(s). I'd rather we be too careful than to see this happen again.

Child Abuse

When I was in high school, I hung out a lot at my friend Brett's house. This is where I met J.R. I didn't know his last name then but, he’s a good person and a great dad. 

Last Monday, something hit the news and I didn't know it involved him until I saw the picture on the jar at Wal-Mart last Thursday. Turns out he had gotten divorced a few months ago, and his ex-wife was able to take the girls. He was currently fighting for custody. The story came out that one of the girls had recently died, and that she had been related to someone from Stephenville. Turns out it was one of his little girls. They had suffered a lot of physical (probably even verbal/emotional) abuse at the hands of their mother and grandmother. As a result of this abuse, one was in critical condition (she is 12 months old), and the other died last Monday (she was 2 years old). Click here for the story. So I'm asking for prayer for him, the little one that passed, their family, and for the little one still in the hospital.

I am a mother. And the fact that this lady physically BEAT her OWN daughters this badly is beyond me!?! I can not believe that there are people out there that are this SICK. How can you be so damn cruel; such a monster towards your own baby(babies)? We are mothers and fathers. We are supposed to love, teach, and PROTECT our children. If you want to punish something, why not yourself?! They are innocent. They are a gift. And yet child abuse is so real. And there are some people out there that make what this lady did seem merciful. Make her a saint. This angers me to no end. You must be a really sorry, pathetic person if you have to beat up on a child. And in my opinion, if you can do that, you aren't worthy of being a parent. You aren't worthy of being alive. If it were up to me, I'd give them the same treatment they gave their children, and then sit them in the electric chair. I am dead serious.

An eye for an eye.

Week Wrap Up (This is Extremely Long)

10/17

Vacation!!! Emery and I drove up to Oklahoma to pick up my husband. We stayed up there till Tuesday because his boss paid for our room. The drive up there was brutal. Emery had a really bad diaper rash, and a runny nose. A three hour drive turned into a 4 in a half hour drive. We got there and had a BBQ with some of the other workers and the ladies from the BAYMONT INN. The guys have been there for 8 months, so they thought they'd do something nice for them as well. I got to see the mountains, and we even did some shopping for Emery! Finally got the crib we wanted for her!! Then we got to go eat at this place called Meers, which was an old run down looking place, but it had the BEST burgers. They make it out of longhorn meat, which is like 10x's better than regular meat. It was delicious! I enjoyed the mini vacation.

10/19

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HUSBAND!!!  Yup, it was my husband's birthday and we spent it driving home. But hey, we got to spend it together at least? He turned 24, and when we got home my mom had a cake and card waiting. We'll probably celebrate it some more this weekend.

10/20

Happy Anniversary!!! Ahh!! Two years. We have made it, two whole years. Granted, they weren't the most wonderful or easy, and we had our fair share of problems, but we MADE IT despite the odds! We decided to work on our relationship, to listen to each other, and we as a couple are better because of it. That is something to be proud of. We didn't throw in the towel like so many other young couples do and that, to me, is an accomplishment. It gives me hope, that if we can work things out as they come that we can make it through anything!

Dear Husband,  I love you. You are my best friend. WE have made it two years! I know that things have not been easy, and we have had our differences. But, I want to thank you, for not giving up on US. For continuing this journey of marriage with me. 

I also want to thank you for all of the good times, and the bad ones (ok, maybe we could have left some of those bad ones out?). They have made us who we are today. We are growing up together, and I feel lucky to have you by my side as we do so. And finally I'd like to thank you for our wonderful daughter Emery (because let's face it, without you she would not be here). You gave me the gift of motherhood, and I feel truly blessed having her in our life. She has brought us closer together, in ways neither one of us thought was possible. 

You are a wonderful husband, and a wonderful father. You are an amazing person, and I love you. So here's to 80 more years of life, love, and laughter. 

Love,
Your Wife 

p/s And thank you for helping me with all of my ridiculous ideas and plans that may not have always been the best or the smartest (and you told me repeatedly so), but you helped me anyways.

10/21

Happy Birthday to ME!! I turned 23 yesterday. I also found out that Emery has a yeast infection (that bad rash I mentioned earlier), lots of congestions, bad allergies, and what looks to be like the starting of an ear infection.

Yesterday I contemplated some life "altering" decisions. Job: I might have another job soon. I need insurance though, and it'll take three months before I can get it through them (if they make me full time). And that's if the job actually gets offered to me. Moving: We are saving a lot of money by being in my parents "guest house" but living right next door is starting to cause some strain. Constantly being told what to do, how to do it. Being teased about my weight, or about how broke I am hasn't been fun.  So, moving seems to be a pretty good option. But, that means bills, rent, and no help with Emery when I need it. Also, Beau has been asked to go work in WASHINGTON (state) if his boss gets the bid. He'd be up there for 8 months. His boss said that they could make some arrangements for me and Emery to stay up there too. So that could be another option. Marriage: My husband, being here only 3 days, is  already bored. His phone is ringing again, he's wanting to drink, and go out. I on the other hand am trying to make up some time at work, clean up the house, do the unfinished laundry, and catch up on some much needed sleep. This in turn is getting me called "boring" and too "knaggy" when I complain about not having enough help. Needless to say, we're butting heads. I see parenting one way, he sees it another. I have my priorities in one order, his are in a completely different order. I'm thinking about US, he's thinking about HIM. I'm tired of coming last in a long list of "priorities". 

And so yesterday, on MY birthday, I put these requests out on the table:

Think about US. Think about this relationship. What do you want from it, and what do you not want from it? This afternoon when I get home, we'll talk about what we've both thought about. We'll discuss whether we still want to be in this relationship or not. And what direction we want to go in. We can't keep doing this circles. I can't keep doing these circles. 

Today

Last night went very well. We both want to make this relationship last. We both want to grow old together, and better our relationship. We talked, and we have both agreed on some changes (ex: I not act like I'm 80 and can no longer go out; he not act like he's 15 and want to go out all the time) and some compromises. He actually made PLANS for MY birthday! He arranged for my mother to babysit, then he took me to Chili's for dinner, I received my present (a beautiful bracelet), and then some of our friends had made me a cake so we went over to their house. It was such a nice evening! He stayed sober, so I could drink, but even with that I didn't drink much. It was still a nice gesture. We were home by 10:30, got Emery, and we went to bed. Lovely. PERFECT, even.

And today, I got to see JULIE!! She's amazing. I miss her so much. Plus, it's FRIDAY!! So, it's going to be a good day! And this afternoon, Beau said we can go and shop for something for OURSELVES. I have my eye on either the Grey's latest season and maybe a second movie (oh! or that nifty make-up bag I've been wanting) or a treadmill (depending on my budget, lol!). Something tells me, I should decide on the movie though. Either way, it'll be nice to spend on myself for a change.

I'm happy. I feel, at peace in a way. Emery is being taken care of and getting better. My husband and I have an understanding and we're communicating. And we are getting our financial crap in order. Our legal crap is being taken care of.

And I'm happy.

Yay me!!

Temper Tantrums, Birthdays, and Work

You know that level of exhaustion where EVERYTHING feels comfortable? You could be sitting on a cement floor and it would feel like the world most comfortable bed? Well, that’s where I’m at. That level really sucks! Emery has started waking up in the middle of the night and she’ll stay up for like 1-2 hours. Banging on my head with her toy. I swear she’s going to be a drummer like her father. These late/early nights combined with the sudden weather change, have also caused her to get what seems to be an ear infection. Let’s throw in that she’s also teething, and you can imagine my pain.

If I were a stay at home mom, this might not bother me as much because I could sneak in naps here and there. But, I’m not. So work has been so annoying, and extra tiresome these past few weeks. I almost walked out Friday because I felt I was going to fall asleep right at my desk! My eyelids were sooo heavy the entire day. Why don’t I nap? Well, let's see. Beau’s been gone and as much as my parents help they still have their own lives and engagements. So, as soon as Emery is asleep I’m rushing trying to get laundry done. Sweeping, mopping, cleaning bottles, putting up laundry, feeding animals, and by the time that’s all done she’s up again. I’ve tried leaving her in the playpen, and also in her walker, but my darling precious little angel has started to throw tantrums. I swear this is not my fault. The babysitter can’t help herself and so she picks Emery up EVERY time she cries.

This kindness/weakness of hers, in turn, is causing problems for me. I love our babysitter. She’s a Godly person, and she speaks to Emery in Spanish. She adores Emery and takes REALLY good care of her. Plus, she’s cheap and she only takes care of ONE other child so the chances of Emery getting sick are a lot less than at a daycare. Still, Emery has started throwing fits. And you may think I’m kidding or exaggerating, but I’m not. She stomps her feet and throws herself backward. Sometimes she even THROWS things. She’ll scream and scream and it’s getting to be just a tad bit ridiculous. I refuse to be one of those mother’s that lets her child throw a fit because they can’t get what they want. I hate seeing that and have always vowed to NEVER let that happen once I had a child. But these recent episodes of hers are making me second guess whether I’ll have a choice in the matter or not. Now comes the next question: How soon can I start giving spankings?  (not even kidding)

This upcoming week is going to make my lack of sleep problem, a whole lot worse. Birthdays and anniversaries. Lots of them. We have a lot of stuff we have to do for the house before winter kicks in, and we have to get the explorer up and running. It’s going to be a very busy end-of-the month for us. Not to mention we have to finish paying off our lawyer and get my husband's license back. That means a lot of paperwork, legal people, insurance companies and a whole list of other crap I’d rather not deal with. Ugh, I’m so dreading it. 

So, wish me luck. I’m going to need it.

How To Turn Bowling Into A Marital Issue

A few weekends ago I “attempted” bowling. By attempt, I mean I put the shoes on and then held the ball. Yea…it was a no go. I started sweating and feeling sick to my stomach. That’s how I get when I’m nervous or completely embarrassed. My husband was annoying me too. He kept saying things like “I can’t believe you made me pay for you if you weren’t even going to bowl.” “Just get up and throw the ball!” and “I’m not showing you, just get up and throw it.” This was irritating me to no end and REALLY not making me want to bowl. The nerve of the man!! To say those things so loudly that EVERYONE could hear! As if I wasn’t embarrassed enough already!

You see, when it comes to looking like a complete idiot, I am so not in. I am one of those people that get annoyed when others pretend like they know what they’re doing but in reality have no clue! So I do research and I have to have someone PHYSICALLY show me the movements or techniques before even attempting something on my own. I practice until I’m sure I’ve gotten it down well enough, and THEN I’ll “go public”. This applies to EVERYTHING in life. When I play games, learn a new skill, exercising, or even playing sports. The only way I learned how to play dominoes was because Beau’s aunt and uncle broke down the game for me piece by piece. Call me a perfectionist all you want, I don’t care. It’s just how I am. So, I was sitting there turning red because my husband is saying these things, talking about how it’s just so easy that anyone can do it, and then there was this old man sitting right behind us starring at me! I’m so not even kidding. Every time I got up he’d follow. It was weird. But anyway, my husband not once offered to teach me how to stand or hold the ball. Not once did he try to show me how to throw it or teach me what things meant. The best he got out was “Just throw the ball…” How considerate, huh? There he and his mother are talking about strikes, spares, 10’s, and 12’s. Then they were talking about hitting a single pin, ways to spin the ball, and how they like different feet positions. I HAD NO IDEA WHAT THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT!! And not once did anyone try teaching me or explaining it to me! So I was very butthurt. I’m welling up with tears right now just thinking about it.

Ugh, I hate being such a baby. But he was making it sound like I was so stupid for not knowing how to bowl. I was incompetent. He was making me seem like I was so ridiculous for not wanting to look stupid. And he’d roll his eyes at me every time I said I didn’t want to get up and “throw the ball”. Next time I should just chunk it huh? And when he has to pay for the damages I’ll just look at him and say “You told me to throw it…” My mother knows how to bowl but she never took us. Hence the not knowing how to bowl. My brother recently learned, and a lot of my family goes out to the bowling alley and they all say it’s a lot of fun. I’d like to learn and see for myself, but how am I supposed to do that with a very inconsiderate and impatient husband? What’s worse is that he has no clue how hurtful he was being. He never does. He’s a guy.  

I know, I know. It’s just bowling. But seriously, it still hurt my feelings that he was like that towards me. It hurt my feelings that he wouldn’t even TRY showing me. And it pisses me off that HE was complaining about ME when I wasn’t even doing anything wrong. I was just being shy which is how I ALWAYS am, and he knows it!! He knows I have to have someone show me things and yet he still pulled that crap?!?

Uggh! Men.

Trapt; Short Post From My Phone

I have this feeling of unease. I'm frustrated and annoyed. I want the world to shut up. Leave me be. I feel like I'm trapped in a dead end town working a dead end job that pays shit. I want to cry and scream at the same time. The hours pass by so slowly. My husband is not here to help calm me down and I feel lonely and encased. I want something more. We NEED something more.

I think I might have a panic attack soon if I don't get it together...

What Are We Going To Do?

I was doing research for an essay I am supposed to be writing. But then I got sidetracked. Yes, This happens a lot. I started reading these articles about the sudden “teen” suicides going on all over the US and how it’s being contributing to “bullying”. From Phoebe Prince, to four other gay kids. And this has me asking, what are we going to do about this? So many people want to blame this on “bullying” and yet we are not once looking at the parents. I understand that these kids need to be punished, and I am a big supporter of them needing to serve jail time. But we as parents need to start looking into how we are raising our children. That’s the bigger picture.

I myself, do not agree with homosexuality. BUT, I don’t judge those living that lifestyle. I do not agree with abortion, but if you’ve gotten one it doesn’t mean that I will hate you for it. Bullying is something else I don’t agree with but I myself was a bit of a bully in Junior High. This was due to me BEING bullied in my younger years. I was a girl, and I developed a lot faster than some others. I was constantly being grabbed or having my hair pulled. Being called a “wetback”. And one day a teacher told me to “Not be afraid to fight back”. And I did. Now, I look back on it and MAYBE I should have not started so many fights, but I was sticking up for myself as well as my little brother. I feel that defending yourself is a lot different than picking on someone. I think that we as parents need to start raising our children differently!

For starters, there is so much more out there than high school. There is so much more beyond prom queens and football stars. They may be the most popular, most beautiful people in school, but they could end up working the convenience store down the road. They may one day WORK for you.

Second, our children ARE beautiful and they should focus on OTHER things besides vanity, and popularity. Look to the future. Boy/girlfriends are great, but you don’t NEED them. They do not MAKE you. You must be happy with yourself. Love YOURSELF. You must do that first before finding a boy/girlfriend or a spouse. THEY can only bring so much to the table.

Third, teach them to be strong. Have them learn how to throw a punch, learn how to stand strong in their beliefs. I know “violence is not the answer” but learning how to defend yourself might not be so bad. Teach them to not be swayed or convinced to do something they don’t want to. Peer pressure sucks, but if you start teaching them early on, they might not be so easily pressured. When someone calls them a name or is teasing them, immediately go to the other child’s parent. No matter how “embarrassing” it is for your child. So help me God, I will take whoever it is that’s teasing my baby and put them over my knee for a few good licks. Ok, maybe not that EXTREME but you better believe they will get a good talking to from me. I don’t care who they are or who their parents are. If you will not discipline your child you better believe I won’t just stand by and let that happen. I’ll instill the fear of God at least, LOL! 

Four, is respect. Respect for yourself as well as respect for others. There should not be any back talking. They should not be told it’s ok if they were making fun of someone else. Discipline your children! I know that even some of us, as adults, tease or make fun of others sometimes and we really should see the example we are setting. Do you think it’s ok to have a child yell at you or cuss at you? Is it ok for them to pick on others? Our children will only grow and learn from what they are TAUGHT. What they are ALLOWED to get away with. And that’s why I think, we as parents need to do a better job.

Now, I might eat my words when Emery gets older. I might do all the right things and her still come out rebellious and easily persuaded. I might turn out to be the worst mother ever. But I will try my hardest to not be. I will try my hardest to be a good example. And I will do my damnedest to make sure that I teach her right from wrong. She will know. What she chooses to do with that knowledge, and those lessons will be left up to her. But you better believe the minute she starts calling people names, starting fights, or thinking she can run around all night she will be over my knee getting some licks. And when she’s older to where licks don’t work…well, I’ll cross that bridge when I get there!

p/s I know there’s a lot I didn't cover, but those were the basics.

Those were the main topics I wanted to cover. The ones I think should come first.

Rough Saturday Night

My husband got to come home on Friday, and I was so excited. We were planning for me to go up to Oklahoma, but at the last minute, Beau’s partner said he wanted to come down. Yay! I didn’t have to make the three( maybe longer) hour drive!!

Everything was great! Then Saturday happened. We decided to go out to a bar. My mother-in-law would babysit, and we’d cut loose a little. If we got too drunk, we’d call his aunt. I should have stopped at the second beer. We ended up pretty drunk, called his aunt. Beau had been talking to these guys from two different bands there the whole night! I honest to GOD didn’t think anything of it. But then, I started talking to one of them, and he acknowledged me as Beau’s wife. Shook my hand, and started off about Christian music and how he was a big Christian. Mind you, he’s hit on everything that’s walked past him, and he’s highly intoxicated. So, I went off on how it says in the bible that you aren't supposed to get drunk. And if he’s such a Christian why is he deliberately breaking the rules?  Apparently, when he’s drunk he “talks more about God”.  Well, right after that, Beau’s aunt comes up and tells me to “Stop! Seriously, Raquel, you need to stop!” I asked what, and she said: “You know what, or do you not see Beau’s reaction?” Beau is causing a scene. Let's fast forward the juicy stuff, and at some point, I get called a whore, and to fuck off. To which I replied, “ I talk to one guy, who you were just talking to, and I’m a slut?! What about all the girls YOU hit on?! What about the girl you supposedly only THOUGHT about cheating on me with?! I didn’t do a damn thing wrong!!”     

We get taken home, and we talk, make-up, have some make-up sex, pass out. Emery was up bright and early and my head felt like someone was digging into it with a screwdriver. I take some Tylenol and some Powerade. All better. But, then I ask my husband why he freaked out, and he says it’s because his aunt pointed out that I was flirting with another guy. I told him I was not flirting, and all we talked about was God. Apparently, my husband says I was “all over” this guy. BULLSHIT! And so this is what I said:

“Babe, I’m really sorry if it came off as me flirting, but I honestly was not. We didn’t touch once, and we were standing across from each other! He even acknowledged that you were my HUSBAND! I’m sorry you felt like I was “all over” another guy, but I wasn’t. And I don’t feel bad because I honestly did nothing wrong. But I am sorry that it came off as me being flirtatious because that was not at all my intentions. I love you, and only you.”

He accepted my apology. But after this latest spat, I have decided that I will not be getting drunk with my husband anymore. I can handle a girls night every now and then. Maybe even every once in a while with my husband when we are by ourselves (or in Cali!!). BUT, not in public. And I’m not even sure I want to continue drinking. I had my tiny bit of “letting loose” before all that crap happened this past Saturday, and I felt like I was just over the whole thing. Before last night, Beau and I were getting along a lot better. And I don’t want to ruin that with alcohol. It’s not worth it, and I just don’t feel the same about it anymore. Now I’m not saying I swear it off completely because one day I just might go out and get drunk, but I’m saying that it’s not something I “want” to do anymore. I can live without it. I feel like it’s not worth causing problems in my relationship for a few hours of inebriation.

I love my husband, and I honestly don’t look at other guys (except Robert Pat, but he plays Edward so how could I NOT?) and I really don’t want to. I’m not out looking or thinking about cheating. It’s not how I am. It’s not what I want. I am perfectly happy with the man I am with. Through the good times and the bad ones.