Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday

(Bitter) Sweet 16

Last week, we celebrated Emery’s 16th birthday. Cue the tears and “How did we get here?” comments. The weekend before that, we spent time in Waco with my family. Her little cousins made her a cake and chocolate-covered strawberries. They bought her a tiara, too. It was all very low-key, which we enjoyed.

While we started the day of her birthday with laughter, something felt a little off when I got home. Later that night, she mentioned that she felt a little underwhelmed by everything. And it had nothing to do with the celebration or the gifts, but more because of how she was feeling. She’s been struggling with the reality of mortality since the car accident we had back in March 2025. And it’s almost as if it’s sucked the joy out of all the happy moments since then. As the day came to an end, and we were sitting on the couch, she quietly said, “Today felt weird. I miss the me at 14. Birthdays just aren’t as exciting as they used to be.” And that made me sad.

This year, our financial situation limited what we could do for her. And having a baby has also limited what I have the energy for. Before, I would have taken that opportunity to give her a pep talk and make a late-night run for ice cream to cheer her up. Blasting her music and singing at the top of our lungs. Instead, I was staring at a very low-balance bank account, running on little sleep, and trying to calm a fussy baby who kept wailing every time I put him down. And so, I felt like I was letting her down by not being able to be there for her. Not being able to focus on her. I went to bed feeling like a failure.

I wish I could have done more. I wish she and I had been able to have a day, just the two of us. I think it’s desperately needed. I wish she hadn’t been with me the evening of our car accident. That man has caused more damage than he can even imagine. And I wish that my little girl could feel the joy in all of the happy moments like she used to. I miss the excitement she had for being with her friends. For school trips. For time spent at home, but also getting to go out and explore - being a teenager. That 14-year-old was ready to take on the world. The 16-year-old today is cautious and views everything with shades of grey.

All of that said, I’m so proud of her. It’s been a very bittersweet time, but I don’t want the tinge of sadness to dampen how grateful we are. It hits me every once in a while, out of the blue, that she’s closer to 18 than 10. She’s determined, and she’s smart. She's putting in the work with her counselor to sort through/cope with her feelings. She talks to me about everything, which I love. Even when the subject matter gets a bit awkward. We laugh a lot, which I love to hear. And I am constantly praying that the fear she’s had placed on her heart will one day fade away. That is my wish for her this year. So, here's to another year around the sun, Little. I love you. 💖

Wordless Wednesday

 

HBD, Little

Dear Little,

Today, you turned 15. And I can't believe how quickly that got here. Soon you'll be taking your learner's permit test. And before long you'll be driving yourself to school. I mean, HOW? How can you already be at this point in life? Wasn't it just last week that we brought you home from the hospital? Wasn't it just yesterday that you were singing along to the Wiggles? Time went by so fast, Little. 

I miss the days when you would cling to my neck. Rub your nose on mine. And giggle at how it tickled. I miss the baby cheeks and the tiny little clothes. The way you would say "mama" and reach up so I would pick you up. Sometimes, when you fall asleep, I glimpse that little baby. And I can recall those little giggles. 

All of that said, I am so proud of the person you're becoming! You try new things all of the time. You still blow kisses at me as you get out of the vehicle during school drop-off. You still like to run errands with me. You help me clean when you see things are overwhelming me at home. You hold your little brother when I need to get something done and he's too fussy to put down in the bassinet. And there's no one else I'd rather binge-watch The Kardashians with than you. You are wise, smart, and funny. You're beautiful and strong-willed. You love to talk to me before bed, and there are no secrets. I'm thankful for another year here with you. I am so grateful that God allowed me to be your mom.

Here's to YOUR next chapter. Praying, always, that it's filled with laughter, love, and joy. 

Love,                                 

Mom                                

October Happenings

When I say we’ve been busy, I mean it. We had a homecoming game, where Emery was on Homecoming Court. Obviously, I’m biased, but my little girl was beautiful. And while hormones played a big part, I felt both happy and sad because she looked so grown up. I blinked, y’all. Our school is small, but their 6-man football team is currently undefeated, so we’ve been attending games to show support. Emery and her school’s cross-country team have made it to regionals. She hoped they wouldn’t go past the district meet but even her slow pace isn’t slow enough to bring her team points down. And just know that the rest of the team felt the same way. I think the only person excited about this accomplishment is the coach. So, I’m headed to the city next week to watch them run. The school also has a Fall Fest next week, and a few different events in between so we'll be off to those. 

I officially entered my third trimester a few weeks ago. It’s been…rough? Not sure that’s the best word for it. I’m super grateful for my body and its ability to grow this little life. I can feel all of the kicks, rolls, and on occasion a little butt that pokes out of my side. It’s such a wild feeling and even more of a trip to see. But when I say that December can’t come soon enough, I mean it. I feel stretched beyond capacity, and I still have some time to go. I don’t get enough sleep and nothing feels comfortable. I want to throw out the bed, couch, pregnancy pillow, and glider because not a single one brings me any relief. My belly is heavy and it hurts. My lower back hurts. My legs, they hurt. And if I could have it my way I would just stay in bed. BUT life doesn’t stop when you’re pregnant so, we carry on.

We finally replaced the flooring in the living room! Now, we have to paint and replace all of the trim. And while I am in the beginning stages of “nesting” I am also very lazy right now. That “nesting energy” hasn’t quite hit. I’m currently just making lists of all the things that need to get done. While also quietly (sometimes not so quietly) panicking because I feel like they won’t be done before the baby gets here. And if you know me, you know that I get anxious when things are cluttered and super messy in my home. Recently, I let things get bad again while dealing with some exhaustion, and one afternoon my wonderful husband took it upon himself to clean the house. This was after a 12-hour shift at work too. He cleaned the restroom, put up the laundry, swept the entire house, cleaned the kitchen, took out the trash, and washed the dishes. I came home and cried. Again, hormones, but also I felt very loved. He said he knew I was having a hard time right now and he just wanted me to feel good when I walked into the house rather than like I had so much work to do.

Speaking of work, it has been chaotic lately. While I normally enjoy being busy and things moving quickly, there are some things I'm not entirely comfortable with at the moment. Things that are negatively impacting my mental health. I recently had lunch with a co-worker and they expressed the same concerns. The past six months things have slowly taken a turn for the worse, and in the past few weeks, some situations have turned toxic. We talked about the importance of boundaries and disconnecting. However, we both agreed that there has been one major factor contributing to all of this, and that is not going away anytime soon. So, I've just been keeping my head down. I'll hopefully be getting a bit of a break from all of the drama soon, and then here's to returning to some calm waters. 

And that about wraps things up for now. It's been a busy week and it's only Tuesday. I'm ready for some food and a nap. Only one of those is in my foreseeable future though. I hope October has been treating you well! Only a little over two weeks until Halloween! Until the next post...✌

Wordless Wednesday

Ending the first day of high school w/frozen yogurt. ❤

Wordless Wednesday

 

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday

 

Wordless Wednesday

 

Motherhood // Thirteen

This age has come with frustration, rewards, pride, confusion, annoyance, and joy. All mixed into one. This has been the year that I’ve really noticed my and Emery’s relationship shifting. Navigating these changes has come with many challenges - some denial on my part too. I mean, yes, she’s getting older. Yes, she’s starting to have her own opinions. Yes, we disagree a lot more. And yes, there’s that pushing of boundaries. She's also having to figure out who she is, as her own person - apart from her family unit. So, I’ve come to find that when people say the teenage years are rough, they are not kidding. Even for the most well-behaved kids out there, these years seem to be harder for parents. And for me, sometimes it feels like the changes happened overnight - I blinked.

Emery is now two inches taller than me. She’s a social butterfly and 85% of the time she’s really extroverted. She’s learning how to drive. She constantly talks about “hating” her nose - which looks like mine. She doesn’t like to “hang out” with me very often - opting to stay home rather than go anywhere with me. Her taste in music is constantly evolving, and so is her taste in movies/shows. She’s starting to have crushes on boys and has questions/concerns about dating (in the future). She’s figuring out who her friends are, and who are only around so they can talk badly about what they’ve learned. She says “no” more and talks back. Sometimes there’s more sass coming from her than I know what to do with, and it’s during those instances that the reality of how different we are is on full display. Sometimes it's frustrating. I hear some of the same phrases I used to dish out to my parents at that age. Then the feelings/memories of how I felt come rushing back and I know exactly how she feels. However, now I'm seeing things from the eyes of a parent. And that's when I call my mom and apologize for the hell I put her through - for the millionth time.

All of that said, there are still moments when my little baby comes out. When she’s sick and wants me to lay in bed with her until she falls asleep. When she performs these karaoke song/dance routines for Corey and me. When she kisses my cheek before exiting the car at school drop-off. Followed by, “Bye Mom. Love you.” When she’s had a rough week, she’ll jump on me and wrap herself around me, while saying, “Just love on me, mom.” Or when she asks if we can talk. Usually about her feelings, things that are bothering her, or just opinions about something going on. It’s a more grown-up version of our old, “Mommy-Daughter talks.” Then, sometimes during car rides, she’ll randomly play a song she used to listen to when she was little - singing along to every word. And I get tears in my eyes because I can picture her in her green car seat, bopping her little head to the beat and singing at the top of her lungs. 

Thirteen, so far, has been a bittersweet age. Sometimes, I look at her, and I can’t see that chubby little toddler who dressed in bright-colored outfits and clung to my neck. Then there are some nights, while putting some of her stuff away, that she’ll be asleep and I get a brief glimpse of that little girl again. But it’s back to the young lady she’s growing into, every morning when she walks out of her room. It’s bell-bottom jeans and makeup. Her white backpack hanging across her shoulders, and cell phone in hand - she'll reach for the car keys and ask if she can drive to the end of the road. Somedays, I don’t miss a beat. We’re usually rushing out the door. Others, I stop in my tracks, and I can’t believe how fast the years went by - I blinked. 

Wordless Wednesday

My Little // An Interview

7.14.23

Well, I sent these questions to Emery in June, but somehow she didn't see them. So, she completed them last week. We’ll do another round right before school starts so you'll get two of these pretty close to each other. 

*

Well, it’s officially summer, how are you feeling about not having to go to school?
Pretty good, I know I'll end up getting bored and want to go back but it's nice not having a teacher pull assignments out of their **butttcracks for me to do.

What is the one thing you can’t live without right now?
My Phone and iPad, they keep me sane.

What do you think is the most important lesson you learned this past year?
That I need to keep to myself. Will it happen? Probably not.

The last time we did this interview, you didn’t have a favorite band. Has that changed?
I like someone in a band, but his 16-year-old self, not him now. He’s 33 and married to Heidi Klum. You know it, it’s Tom Kaulitz but him in 2007. He’s in a band called Tokio Hotel but I don't know what they're saying in their songs since it's in German. But to answer the question, no. They’re just the only band I've willingly listened too.

If you could pick one thing to do this summer, what would it be?
Shop, but that won't happen because I'm broke.

  *This picture is from February - she's gotten taller. 

**I edited this to a more suitable word.

My Little // An Interview 1.6.23

Well, today is the day! I decided to go ahead and create this little “interview” series with Emery. We both think it’s a pretty neat idea, and even if it doesn’t last for very long - it will be nice to look back on and read. She hasn't decided on whether she's ready to post pictures that include her face and to be honest neither am I. So, until that changes, I'll continue to post photos without her face showing. This first interview will be short and sweet. I'm hoping she'll start elaborating a bit more once she gets going. But when I sent her the questions she wasn't entirely sure on what to expect, or how much to say. Now without further ado, let's get to it:

Alright little, when I asked you about this blog post idea - what did you think? 

I’m not too sure I didn’t really care. Respectfully.

Have you ever thought about starting your own blog? 

No, if anything I’d enjoy vlogs instead cause I like to look at myself and talk a lot. Typing is too much work honestly.

You’re currently on winter break, what show have you binge-watched? 

None yet but I do really like to binge-stalk Javon and Jaden Walton along with the rest of their family. Season 2 of Ginny and Georgia comes out tomorrow, January 5th, so I’ll probably start that but I most likely won't binge it.

What was your favorite Christmas present this year? 

Probably my new curling iron and the money/gift cards.

What’s your current favorite band or song? 

I don’t have a favorite artist but my favorite song would probably be either "Lean on" or "Pursuit of Happiness". I’m not depressed guys, I know Kid Cudi is kind of a sad artist.

If we keep this going, do you think you’ll like it or get bored? 

I think I’ll look forward to doing these.

Some Space for Her

A few years ago Emery asked if she could start a blog. We created one, but she never actually followed through with posting anything. This request came after she asked me what I was typing one day and I let her see a little bit of my blog. I told her I also had a private one that I hope to one-day print out into a book for her. Then last year, while she was using my Instagram account to look for a specific TikTocker - she made her way to my profile. She looked up at me and asked, “Why don’t you post on here very much? And how come you can’t see my face in any of the pictures I’m in? Is this how all of your accounts are?”

Privacy and safety are always at the forefront of my mind when I put things about our lives online. And we’ve covered online safety with her - several times throughout the year. The schools also have a session on it once a year. But I still took that opportunity to dive further into the details of privacy, online safety, and consent to post things online. I told her that I felt it wasn’t really MY place to post things about HER even though I was her mom. This is a big reason why I don’t post a lot of pictures of her and also why I moved away from writing so much about her too. If you’ve been here since the beginning you know that this blog started out as a “mom blog”. If you dig far enough you might even get some secondhand embarrassment from my writing back then, but I digress. My daughter is a BIG part of my life. So, I’ve decided that with her permission, I’ll post a smidge more about her from time to time. And I also want to have a few posts where she gets to unleash a bit of her own voice on.

My idea is to do two “interview” style posts asking her some silly questions and some a little more serious ones. Without getting too personal of course. I’d like to do one at the beginning of the school year and then the other at the end. Kind of like a check-in. And then I’d like to ask her to share her thoughts in a post or two about what’s going on in her life. I’m still on the fence about sharing pictures that show her face on any social media platform, but she’s kind of already out there - so we’ll see. Now that she’s a bit older, and has more of a say, I kind of feel like sharing more of her with you. All of that said, I do realize that I missed the beginning of this school year, so I’ll try to draft and post while we’re both on break in a few weeks.

When I asked her if this would be something that she'd be interested in - she said yes. She asked me what my ideas were and what she'd have to do. I went over what I had in mind and then told her the rest would be mainly up to her. She said, "This will be really cool to look back on." And she's not wrong. It's one of the main reasons why I wanted to start this. To look back on her entries as she's getting older. For her to see what was going on during these years. And also as a way for us to have something that's just ours as a mother & daughter. Again, this could totally change. I could start it and then forget about it. I could decide that it’s not a good idea. I could end up feeling like it's too much too soon. But I'm going to give it a go - as long as she’s on board. 

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday