Weight Loss - Weigh In - April 2019

April has just been one of those months, you know? And as much as I wish I could say there was a ton of progress, there wasn’t. But this month is ALL on me. I’ve been doing my best to get through this huge tidal wave of emotions that made their way into my life recently. But fuck if it hasn’t been hard. I honestly had no motivation to do anything this month. The goals I had set back in March went out the window almost as soon as I had set them. Working out was the last thing on my mind. And now that my body is getting balanced out on the hormone front I’ve been experiencing A LOT of feelings. Then once my cycle comes around, forget about it, I’m a complete mess. I cried over anything and everything. Sometimes over nothing at all! I even cried over Heath Ledger GIF’s. Even with my anti-depressants, during this time, I sometimes still feel really low. But it changes within minutes. So, yea, it’s been intense. I’m just trying my best to learn how to navigate all of the feelings when they get really intense like this. I’m told takes a lot of practice. Anyway, more on that later. For now, I’m just going to cover the stats for this month. 

Starting Weight (SW): 189 lbs
Current Weight (CW): 180.4 lbs
Goal Weight (GW): 160 lbs

On the diet front, I personally think I’m doing really good. It’s been about the same for a few months now. The only difference is my caffeine intake. For April, I started drinking It Works! Keto Coffee. Now, I basically got guilted into trying this for three months so that’s honestly the only reason why I’m drinking it.  It is sooo overpriced, and it hasn’t done anything for me, honestly. Psst, you can get it from Amazon at basically the same price as you would through a distributor. Regardless, I’m stuck with it for two more months. So, I’ve replaced two cups of my normal coffee in the morning with 10 oz of this. Anyway, everything else has stayed the same. 

Now, for the exercise part. Ha! Ahahahahaha! Yea, I sucked. There was no progress here whatsoever.  I walked a bit, but other than that. Nothing. So, yea. All on me.  

Mentally, I’ve been doing okay. Like I stated above, I’ve just been on what feels like hormone overload. And so the closer I get to my cycle the more mood swings I tend to have. I've also been getting panic/anxiety attacks. My mood swings are usually frequent and often leave me with some emotional whiplash. I’m not even kidding. A few days after my cycle ends I’ll look back and think, “WTF was that?!?!” I go through really low lows and then really high highs around the time of, and during my cycle. Once it's over I go back to feeling fine. I know that in order to shake a lot of this off I need to start working out again in order to alleviate some of that pent up anxiety, or frustration from the day. But I just don’t. Either I’m short on time, or I just have no motivation. Or I feel completely exhausted and tapped out. So, I’m trying to get a handle on this. It's been two months of going through these mood swings, and it's basically trial and error when it comes to figuring out what works and what doesn't. Until then, I’m basically at the mercy of my emotions. And flying by the seat of my pants for most of it. 

Overall, I need to get my shit together. I know that I won’t get to feeling better until I start working out again. It was always a great way for me to relax and sweat the day out. Running served as therapy in a way too. And ever since I stopped, things just kind of took a nosedive where my emotions are concerned. However, getting back to that mindset of making my physical health a priority is what’s been the most challenging. So, I guess for the month of May I want to keep everything relatively the same. My only goal will be to start making an effort to head to the gym. Or at the very least go out for a run. Minimum of twice a week. So, here's to the end of this month and the start of a fresh one. 

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Wordless Wednesday

Currently - April

What can I say about, April? It’s been one messed up month. I honestly don’t even know where to begin with all of it. So, I’ll just kick it off to the side for now. However, weather-wise it’s been pretty great. We’ve had a lot of warmer weather, and my plants are actually surviving. Woohoo! I did have really bad allergies/a cold over this weekend and it really wiped me out. This is why I’m posting today instead of on Monday. I was basically in bed all day Sunday & part of Monday. Nothing a crap ton of medicine & a lukewarm shower couldn’t help though. Anyway, let’s jump right into April’s currently post, shall we?

Playing:  Well, Billie Eilish finally released her full-length album, and this has been on heavy rotation in our household. She definitely has her own unique sound which I absolutely love. I think a lot of her songs are on the slower side, but she’s really great at throwing in some unexpected stuff too. Emery is all about her right now though. We can not go a single day without listening to something off of, "WHEN WE ALL FALL ASLEEP, WHERE DO WE GO?" If you haven’t checked her out yet, definitely give her a listen. My favorite track off of it would have to be “my strange addiction”. 

Reading: This one is gonna be off the wall. I’m currently reading the book, “Manaos” by Alberto Vázquez-Figueroa. This book is written entirely in Spanish. And it’s the book that my semi-friend is having me read. It’s very, very old; published in 1988. It’s about three men and a woman who try to escape a ruthless slave owner in Brazil through the jungles, and rivers of the Amazon rainforest. And let me just say, that this book does not hold back. There are some parts in here that I had to re-read because I couldn’t believe what was actually written in there. It’s also taking me a bit longer to finish because I don’t usually read in Spanish. So, it takes my brain a little bit to switch over to thinking in Spanish, and picturing the story that’s being told. But here’s hoping I’ll have it finished by the end of next week. Fingers crossed.

Watching: The other day our boss man told us that we should watch “Someone Great” over on Netflix. It has Gina Rodriguez in it and he told me that I’d probably end up really loving it. Since it was already on my “to-watch” list I decided to watch it on Monday while I was sick and slathered in Vick’s. And let me just say that I had no idea how much I needed this movie in my life until after those first five minutes. Damn, did it hit me in the feels. The plot: After a devastating break up on the eve of her cross-country move, Jenny enjoys one last NYC adventure with her two best pals. This isn’t just any old break-up though. It’s a nine-year relationship that slowly but surely shattered. We get glimpses of the good times and flashbacks of how everything started. The bad times too. Of course there’s plenty of comedy, and definitely, a lot of weed being smoked. However, none of that takes away from the story. So, if you’re needing to get your rom-com fix on then I say check this one out. 

And that concludes the currently for this month. If you have any other suggestions be sure to drop me a line either on here or any of my other social media pages. Links are all at the top. I'm always on the lookout for new artists, films, or books so I'm totally open to recommendations. Until the next post, Happy Tuesday folks!

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Wordless Wednesday

Random Thoughts // Four-Sixteen-Nineteen

Today, I don’t want to think about one specific thing for too long. I don’t want to think of much at all really. Not today. And to be quite frank, I don’t want to write much about anything either. My mood keeps shifting from high to low in a matter of minutes. I’m finding it hard to concentrate. So, today I’m just going to write down some random thoughts as they come. See where it takes me…

I’m currently listening to “What A Time” by Julia Michaels & Niall Horan as I type this. I can't believe how much I relate to this song. And even though it's a song about heartbreak it's also a song about revisiting a relationship that made you happy in some way. It's a song that makes me want to cry and smile at the same time. And fuck if it doesn't make me feel like I'm not some weirdo because I focused so much on the good. By the time the song is over, I have this mixture of heartbreaking pain, the calmness of new beginnings, and this feeling of strength rumbling around inside of my chest. I think that’s why I like it so much.  It makes me feel all of the things. And not a lot of songs can do that to me nowadays. 

I’ve kept my plants alive for a little over a week now so that’s pretty cool. Then Emery's grandmother made her a butterfly garden so now we have even more flowers/plants on our front porch. I'm a little intimidated by all of these responsibilities though. But here we are a little over a week in and they're actually growing. I thought for sure they’d be goners by now. So, here’s hoping I can keep them alive at least for the summer. I really love those elephant ears because they remind me of my grandma's. Both of them. It's been a goal of mine to one day have some of my very own at the front of my house. And I could really use a win right now, you know? 

I keep hearing/seeing all of these great things being said about "Game of Thrones" lately. Apparently, the final season is finally airing? Back when season one came out I actually really tried getting into it. At first, I thought that it was going to be great and I binged the whole first season in one day. Then something happened and I barely made it to episode three of season two before I got bored. Now that the series is coming to an end I'm wondering if I should give it another go? At least all of the seasons will be out by the time I’ve caught up. So there won't be any waiting. 

Twitter can be such a negative space. I feel like everyone is just yelling at each other. And yet, I still check it to see what's going on in the world, and to check on my favorite shows. Speaking of, I still can’t believe Netflix canceled “One Day at a Time”. That one really hurt because it addressed so many issues of today in a tasteful way. Plus, representation. Oh! And speaking of social media stuff, lately, I’ve been leaning more and more towards deleting Facebook altogether. Since I gave it up for Lent I honestly haven’t missed it. Besides, anytime I want to know about anything going on I just ask someone who has an account & they’ll tell me. Otherwise, is it even really my business? Do I really need to know what everyone is up to these days? I've got my own can of worms to deal with. Meh.

I may allow Emery to drop Hip-hop classes. Dancing was originally something she looked forward to on Thursdays. However, due to her being sick, she’s missed quite a few classes. And she’s fallen behind. Normally, I would just tell her to suck it up, but recently she’s just been working herself up so much that she makes herself sick. Vomiting two or three times. So, I thought, maybe I could talk to her dance instructor about possibly pulling her from the recital and just allowing her to attend the classes. Less stress/pressure on her, and she’s still able to continue with the classes. However, when I brought it up with her instructor via GroupMe text, which is their preferred method of communication, I was just ignored. So, I’m not sure how I should take that?

Yesterday, I found one of Beau’s girlfriend’s shirts in my washer. I threw it in the trash and texted Beau that a line was crossed. It’s one thing to know he has a girlfriend, and to have had to meet her once already in order to know who my daughter is around. I constantly have to hear her name and be told about how great she is by my daughter. Yes, maybe I am still bitter over everything. But it’s another thing entirely to have her clothes in my washer. To know that she's been at my house when I'm not there. So, yea, maybe I’m not ready to be “that cool” with who he’s dating just yet. I guess that wound is still pretty raw. Sue me.  

I’m ready for our upcoming three day weekend. I’m feeling really tapped out this week, and I just need it. No prior commitments. Hopefully some nice weather. I kind of just want to lay on Emery’s trampoline, under the shade, and finally, make some good progress on the book I’m reading. Maybe get some sun on these white legs of mine. I dunno, these past few days I've just been feeling really anxious and almost...claustrophobic. So, I need some space and time outdoors with no walls. Then this Sunday is Easter, and I honestly have nothing planned. There will be no dressing up or egg hunts. No dinners or lunches. And this has allowed me to see a light at the end of the tunnel that is this week. As I sit here I could almost cry with relief. Thursday afternoon can't come soon enough.

And this seems like a good stopping point for today. My classical playlist just kicked on and I have several errands to run. Then it's off to tackle a good amount of laundry that needs to be put up. Plants watered. And you know, life. Hope this didn’t give you too much whiplash. Anyway, until the next post. ✌ 

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Making An Unlikely Semi-Friend

A while back I was talking to my sister-in-law about how alone I had been feeling lately. And I don’t mean this in the sense of not having a partner anymore either. Well, it’s not just about that. I’m talking more along the lines of having someone you can talk to about the recent book you read or show you've watched. Someone that helps you out when you need it. Someone who’s totally okay with 3 AM text messages when you can’t sleep. Someone who’s willing to sit there and listen to you as you work out your problems out loud. Not so much to give their opinion, but instead just to be there so that you know someone hears you. And maybe, sometimes, when you get a little emotional over your recent divorce they’re there to say, “Fuck them for hurting you.” So basically, a friend in every sense of the word. Because sometimes that’s all you need. It’s not about having a romantic relationship or trying to hook up with someone either. Now even though I have a handful of really great friends, the closest one has always been an hour and a half away. And the way I feel about making new friends is exactly the same as how some people feel when it comes to where they should place their hands while posing for pictures. It’s awkward, and I just don’t know what to do. But imagine the laugh I let out when my sister-in-law suggested that I should think about striking up a friendship with that one dude who’s already in my life part-time (ish).  

First, I’d like to just point out that other than my brother and sister-in-law, Dude and I have very little in common. I’m older, with a lot of responsibilities, and usually preoccupied with my daughter. His only responsibilities are keeping his dog alive and showing up to work on time. I enjoy watching all kinds of movies and shows. He’s not a fan of TV, and proudly states that he lives under a rock when it comes to not knowing about anything current. I decided a while back that I didn’t really want to consume alcohol anymore, and it’s rare for me to have a drink. In his case, it would be rare to see him without an alcoholic drink. And in the times that we’ve all hung out together he and I never really talk to each other. It’s always been us taking part in group conversations. So, in my eyes, he’s their friend; not mine. I laughed off her suggestion and thought she was ridiculous for even bringing it up. But then, fast forward a week later and I’m basically desperate to talk to anyone. I’m feeling really anxious, I’ve been tossing and turning for hours, and it’s a little after 1AM. I started scrolling through my contacts wondering who else could possibly be up at 1AM on a weekday. And that’s when the realization hit that the only person I knew, who would be up that late, was Dude. Before I continue I'd like to take this time to just say that I'm really proud of myself for holding out for a good forty minutes that morning. However, when I saw the clock read 2AM, desperation won out. I quickly typed up a text and closed my eyes as I hit the send button. As soon as I heard the little “ting” signaling his response I immediately regretted my decision. “Oh, fuck. Here we go,” I thought as I let out a sigh before raising the phone up to see his response.

Now, let me just give you a brief history on Dude and I. We’ve never really gotten along. There’s usually name calling, and threats of inflicting bodily harm involved. I’ve even gone as far as to throw physical objects at him. Trust me, with his mouth, you wouldn’t be above that either. He’s probably one of the last people I could have ever seen myself being real friends with if I’m being honest. We’d kill each other. But you know what? Color me fucking surprised. Because now, Dude is my semi-friend (he’s begrudgingly accepting this label). That night, when I picked up my phone, Dude was actually nice and sympathetic towards what I was going through. He even went as far as playing 21 questions with me until I fell asleep. Then one afternoon he came over and watched "Peaky Blinders" with me while I waited for Emery to come back home. I mean, we spent the entire time arguing over the episodes and the character’s actions. There may or may not have been a shoe thrown. But the time flew by and before I knew it Emery was back. That same evening is when he mentioned that he prefers to read books over watching TV. So we agreed to read each other’s favorite books and then later plan on getting together to discuss them. When I handed over “It Ends With Us” by Colleen Hoover he looked at me in confusion as he said, “This is...umm...REALLY pink.” I smiled smugly as he shook his head and walked to his truck. As of this posting, he’s made it through the first chapter safely. Then a few days ago, when he stopped by to drop off his book, it was his turn to smile smugly. Because of course, his favorite book is written entirely in Spanish. Challenge accepted. And finally, when I needed help with my flower beds he came over and accepted Taco Bell as payment for his gardening services. So, it's been nice having these challenges that we dish out to help keep me preoccupied.  

Overall, it’s been interesting getting to know him a bit better. Obviously, we’re really different, with different upbringings, and in completely different seasons in life. And yet, there’s still a lot that we can agree on. Thankfully, our dynamic has remained the same which I'm really happy about. At first, I thought it would be awkward for some reason? But the only real change is that we can actually get along now. You better believe I'm still gonna throw something at him when he says some stupid shit though. So, I guess, I should give credit where credit is due, right? And since I know he’ll never read this I’m gonna go ahead with expressing my thanks.

So, thanks, Ramon. Thanks for taking pity on this “old lady”. Still not 35 though. Thanks for answering my random ass questions at 2 AM. And the second round at 3 AM. Thanks for showing me the correct way to plant my plants. For not laughing too loudly when I jumped at the twig I thought was a snake. Thanks for allowing me to bounce ideas off of you, no matter how crazy they may be. Your facial expressions sometimes say otherwise but at least you don't verbalize those thoughts. Thanks for allowing me to lean on you after a really rough day. I know how much you hate being touched so you were a real trooper that afternoon. But most importantly, thanks for allowing me to call you my “semi-friend”. Though I’m sure by the end of the year we’ll be BFF’s and braiding each other’s hair. Anyway, life has been a little rocky for me lately, and you’ve been kind enough to help me stay busy. To not feel so alone in this tiny little town. So, thank you. Again. It’s really and truly appreciated. 

Wordless Wednesday

Attitude Adjustments & Pressing Buttons

Y’all, I absolutely love my child. She is the sun, the moon, and all of my stars. There is literally nothing I wouldn’t do for her. When I was in the hospital bed, getting ready to deliver her, they had me sign a bunch of paperwork and answer several questions about what they needed to do in case of an emergency. The nurse asked, “If there are any complications, and it comes down to you or the baby who do you want us to save?” “Her,” I answered, “Just save her.” If you’re a parent, you probably know this love I’m talking about first hand. It’s truly unconditional. There are so many times when I catch myself looking at her while thinking, “Wow, I get to be her mom. How fucking lucky am I? I mean, what did I do to deserve this gift??” It’s an amazing thing, right? Right. Well, I want you to keep all of what I just said in mind as I head into this next section because it's a doozy. 

Y’ALL, MY KID IS DRIVING ME INSANE. HER ATTITUDE CAN BE SO DAMN FRUSTRATING AND ANNOYING! And our house is just not big enough to hold both of our stubborn tendencies. I mean, what the hell happened between seven years old and nine years old? It’s like the “Invasion of the Body Snatchers”. Only in slow motion. I went from having this wonderful little girl who loved to be around me and listened to me when I asked her to do something without complaint. A little girl that said please, and thank you. She smiled at everything. Very rarely would she ever talk back, and in the instances that she did all I would have to say was, “Emery, that’s not very nice. I’m really disappointed in your behavior right now.” This usually led to, “I’m so sorry mommy! I promise I’ll be better. Please don’t be disappointed.” The behavior or attitude would go away, and all was well with the world. Do you want to know what response I get these days? “Life’s full of disappointments, mom! You’ll be okay.” Yea! I mean, technically she’s right, but dude she’s nine. She’s constantly responding to me with, “NO” or “I’m not doing that.” or my favorite, "I. DON'T. WANT. TO." She'll huff, slam her bedroom door, or roll her eyes. And don’t even get me started on the daily battle that is waking her up and getting her ready for school in the morning. I never knew just how big of a meltdown a kid could have by just asking them to put on pants. The real ones, not the jeggings. And if I’m being honest, the two’s, three’s, four’s, and five’s were a cake walk compared to nine. Not to mention that she also still insists on sleeping with me. I have to bargain and bribe if I want to get one or two nights in my own bed. Because if I don’t, the little sneak will wait until I’ve fallen asleep and then come on in to make herself comfortable. Then I get a pretty rude awakening around 3 AM to her little body flung across mine. Or getting kicked in the head. And what the hell, I’m the adult, right? Right. 

Anyway, it’s been a little rough lately. The only male, disciplinary, figure she seems to fear is my brother. So, a few weekends ago I asked him to talk to her. Maybe, hearing this stuff coming from him would cause something to click in her mind? Of course, I was lectured too. “Raquel, you’re the parent.” and “Raquel, you need to start disciplining her.” Followed by, “Raquel, you’re her mom not her friend.” and “All I’m hearing are excuses. Put your foot down or she’s going to walk all over you.” And well, he’s not wrong. But “doing” is so much harder when I get stuff like, “Ughh! Mom, you’re the worst. Why can’t I stay with dad?” thrown at me. Or, “I did do what you told me. If you wanted that other stuff done too you should have mentioned it.” (Kim, technically, you should be proud - she expects specifics.) Then there are the moments when she hugs me so tight, and she says  "Mom, you're the best. Thank you for being so awesome!" or the very famous, “Mom, can I please sleep with you? I love you so so much and I don’t want to be away from you.” Oohhh, does that last one get me. Every. Single. Time. And then I’m giving in. Or I’m doing the stuff for her instead of making her do it. Or I’m letting the attitude slide. I give her a look when she talks back, but then we both know I'm just going just give up. And this just isn't getting us anywhere. So, this is why I wanted my brother to have a talk with her. To kind of back me up. Maybe put the fear of God in her a little bit too? Because I was honestly just grasping at straws when it came to figuring out how to address all of this. 

After their little talk, some disciplinary action, and a deal that was brokered between the two, things have been somewhat better. Enough of a change that Beau even noticed a difference. “Did you notice that she’s not talking back that much?” he mentioned one afternoon. However, it’s not all over with. She still tries to test our boundaries, and push my buttons. Though lately, it’s more along the lines of bedtime extensions, bathing practices, and sleeping arrangements. There have been a few instances where she’s said a few things about Beau and my’s relationship. Little pokes and prods here and there at both of us. The difference is that now I share what’s being mentioned in front of him so that he knows too. And now that she’s catching on to the fact that we’re actually communicating about things the comments have started to become less frequent. But boy if this doesn’t feel like we’re getting a little glimpse into the future. I’m already dreading the teenage years, y’all. In fact, if we could just skip that whole phase that would be great. I mean, is it just my kid? Is it typical behavior for kids with divorced parents to act like this? Or is it just this age? One of my co-workers says it's that year in general. Something about 2010 babies, and having really stubborn "devil-may-care" attitudes. One of his is the same age as Emery. And as much as we're warned about the "two's" and "three's", you'd think we'd hear something about this, right? Well, I don't know about you but I had never even heard of, nor was I ever warned about the “terrible pre-teens”. But damn, if we haven’t arrived. So, wish me luck! Say some prayers. Send me all the good vibes. Toss some of them in Beau’s direction too. And let's just hope that we can all make it through to the other side intact. 

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Writing Prompt // The Word “Hope”

Write a post inspired by this word: Hope

A few nights ago I was sitting in my living room when this song came on. That’s right, some 2005 screamo nostalgia for ya. So, what did I do, you ask? Well, I started looking through old photo albums. Yup, that’s where I fucked up, y’all. And I started to remember the winter break that Beau came to Texas from California. The same winter break that I took a leap of faith. I followed what I wanted, not what everyone else wanted for me. The winter break that he left, but not before taking my face in his hands and saying “This is going to happen. We are going to happen.” He kissed my forehead and slung his backpack over his shoulder as that song played through the car speakers. And I watched him walk away. Sunglasses on to hide the bloodshot eyes from crying, and one last look back before crossing through security. That was the winter break that changed all of my plans. By that next Spring Break, I was on a plane for a week-long visit. By the end of May, I was packing up my stuff and making my first move ever, over to the West Coast.

And the rest is history as they say. That night, I sat there looking through albums and videos. Remembering my first car ride on Jefferson, with butterflies in my stomach, as Beau held my hand. Trips to the beach. Sampson Simpson. The wild night with two friends at a bar. The really wild night that I got insanely drunk, pissed off, and walked through our living room in just my underwear. For all of our roommates to witness. I still don’t know why I thought that was a good idea? I remember the car rides through the vineyards at sunset. How Beau would take me down the winding roads after dark when I got homesick because it smelled like rain as the vines were being watered. He knew that rain always reminded me of Texas. I remember that weekend at the river when I did the bravest thing I had ever done at that point in my life. Climbing up onto a cliff, Beau clasping my hand as he counted down, and then we jumped. Together. A year later we moved back to Texas. Memories of our wedding. The live shows and friends. Our daughter’s birth. And different jobs. A trip to the zoo, and a visit to California. To introduce Emery to the reason we chose her name. Preschool and kindergarten graduation. Staycations in the city. Trips to the park and carnivals every year. With every page turned a different memory would come forward. Even some of the really bad ones. I laughed and cried that night. Only this time, it wasn’t bad. It wasn’t devastating to revisit all of those moments.

Sometimes I find myself missing the old “him”. Those big beautiful eyes, and full lips that were always smiling. I miss listening to him play the drums or strumming away on a guitar as I read a book on the couch. I miss seeing his face light up when he would start talking about music. I miss late night trips to Del Taco that he’d insist we go on because chicken tacos at midnight were always the best kind. I miss hearing him laugh. The real genuine one that came from his belly. I miss hearing him talk about what he wanted his future to look like. His hopes and dreams. I miss the two kids who were so in love that they couldn’t be in the same space without touching. I miss the rooftop conversations. I miss watching him and Emery play in the front yard. As she got older, watching them bond over music and art. I miss the days when he was happy, you know? I miss the “him” before drugs, resentment, and anger took over. Before the lies began to stack up and our relationship started to fracture. I miss the person who wasn’t so hurt and pissed off at the world. At me. Every now and then, if I’m lucky, I get to see that person for a few moments. And it gives me hope that one day he’ll be back. Because I know he’s in there somewhere. Until then, I have the memories. I have our stories. I can always look back on them with fondness, and smile. Because even with all of the bad there was still plenty of good that came from us. And even though we’ve both changed so much since then we still have fragments of who we once were inside. They come out to play for brief moments of time. They’ve contributed to creating who we are today after all. 

Secretly, I’d like to think that those two kids are still out there somewhere. Singing at the top of their lungs, holding hands, and loving each other fiercely. Heading out to shows, kid(s) in tow, showing them just how much music means to them. How it could heal, and make you feel whole. I'd like to think that they're still out there clasping hands as they jump off of cliffs, and going on as many adventures as they can imagine. I’d like to think that they took a different path, and made better decisions. That they were able to work through any issues that arose in a positive way. I'd like to think that they were gentle with each other and open about what they felt. What they needed. I hope they’re both healthy, and that their dreams came true. I hope they have the family that they always wanted, and I hope they’re happy. I hope they’re so fucking happy. Because they deserve it.

We all deserve it. 

Wordless Wednesday

Well, I Got A Vehicle

So, as it turned out...there were a lot of problems with Beau’s recently purchased vehicle. Problems that he wasn’t able to get fixed, and at the end wouldn’t have been worth it. Since he had just moved out, and would soon be having to figure out a way to do pickups for visitation I decided to give him my Explorer to use. I handed over the keys and headed to the city with my parents in order to purchase another vehicle for myself. 

I already had three cars on my list that I wanted to look at once we made it to the dealership. I wanted something with less than 100k miles on it and under $14k. They had two Equinoxes and a Traverse that fit my criteria, and the entire drive I kept silently praying that at least one of the vehicles would still be available once we got there. I could tell y’all the whole story, and go into great detail about the process, but that would turn this into such a long read so I'm not gonna do that. Instead, I'll just say that all of mine and my mom’s praying worked. The man that greeted us was super nice. I know it’s their job, but there was just something kind about him. He gave off some really calming vibes too which was amazing because big purchases have always given me anxiety. When we asked about our list it turned out that two of the vehicles had already been snagged up, and we got there just in time to be the first ones taking out the third vehicle for a test drive. It’s the one that I really wanted, and the most affordable (for my budget) out of all three. Once we were done with the test drive I filled out the paperwork, and then we were told that there were three other people interested in purchasing the same car. However, I was first in line due to the order in which our applications had been submitted. 

Everything went through, they had a few questions about my credit report, and after about an hour I was told that if I wanted the car it was mine. And I said yes! The last step was to go speak with financing and look into some added warranty. Thankfully, they were able to work with me and I got monthly payments way lower than what I was expecting. I drove off the lot with my car and a huge smile on my face. I still constantly look at it in awe while giving thanks because honestly, I can’t believe I was able to get it. Within two weeks I purchased car seat covers, and heavy-duty floor mats because I have a nine-year-old. And thanks to some extra income my parents offered to have the windows tinted for me. Again, so many blessings. And while this isn’t a brand new, 2019-fancy-ass vehicle, it’s still the one that I’ve always wanted so I’m super stoked!  

She has plenty of room and cargo space that’s just big enough for my needs.  Yes, I refer to my car as a "she". Thirty-two bucks in gas will fill her up and lasts me seven to eight days. Ecoboost features are amazing. She was a single-owner vehicle and when we got the Carfax report it showed that the previous owner took very good care of her. She had routine maintenance, under the hood cleaning, and tire rotations. Thank you, to whoever previously had my girl. So, she was in really great shape for her age. Since I opted for the extra warranty, if anything were to go wrong, I opted for bumper to bumper coverage for the next two years. This will get basically anything fixed with a $100 deductible. So, I've been feeling pretty grateful lately. Lucky to have been able to purchase this on my own, and thankful for the timing that allowed me to do so. And God willing, as long as I can keep up with the same maintenance as the previous owner, this car will end up being Emery’s first car when she starts driving. My dad and I already have a plan! 

Anyway, I hope this doesn't come off as bragging. I'm just really excited to be able to share this with y'all! It's a big deal for me, and it's something I've been able to do on my own. As y'all know there have been a lot of big changes for me lately, not all happy ones, and this is just something that I feel really proud of being able to do. The day that I made my first payment my brother asked, "So how does it feel to be an independent woman who's able to keep a roof over her head, provide for her daughter, and pay for her bills all on her own?"  Now, it's no secret that I never wanted my life to take some of these turns, but when my brother asked me that question over the phone I couldn't help the smile that spread across my face. Because it feels damn good! It feels amazing to know that I've been shaken up, tossed around, and yet I'm still getting back up. I'm still surviving and pushing forward. Some days a little slower than others, but I'm doing it. I'm showing up. And I think that's what matters most. Somehow, this only slowly started to dawn on me as the really nice salesman, Paul, walked over with a huge grin on his face and placed the keys in my palm. "Congratulations, Raquel. She's all yours."