Weight Loss - Weigh In // November 2020

Well, look at that! It’s November. We had a pretty great Halloween over in our neck of the woods. Dia de los Muertos was on Sunday and then All Souls Day was on Monday. I prayed for my grandpa and those we’ve lost recently. Spent some time reflecting on this new season and what my hopes were for the last two months of 2020. Now unless you’re living under a rock, today is ELECTION DAY, so this is my gentle reminder for you to go out and vote. I don’t care which side you’re on. And whatever happens, I hope that everyone can remain peaceful. Anywho, before I get sidetracked into a very different kind of post, let's get on with this month’s weigh-in, shall we? 

Starting Weight (SW): 189 lbs 

Current Weight (CW): 194.0 lbs 

Goal Weight (GW): 160 lbs

Eating Habits- I switched up my intermittent fasting method to 16:8. And since we usually have later evenings my eating window has shifted as well. I now eat between noon and 8pm. Sunday through Thursday. My day looks something like this: Breakfast - Coffee w/ almond milk creamer, Lunch - Protein shake w/ a small snack, Dinner - A meat w/ two sides. I do my best to eat at least one vegetable with my main dish. I also drink between 40 - 60 oz of water per day. 

Fitness Progress- Yikes! This I have been terrible at. I have no idea where people find the time? Since COVID, my gym is only open from 6am to 9pm. And even though that’s a nice window, it’s not a wide enough one for our daily schedules. So, I have decided to take up outdoor running again. I know, with the weather & time change, this is such impeccable timing. But I need to do something. Like I said previously, I’m wanting to get some movement in daily. That’s my goal. No monthly challenges. No time or distance goals. Just get up and get going. I did my first short run last night. 

Mental Health- I am struggling in this area. It probably doesn’t help that we’ve just entered a seasonal change and daylight savings time ended. And let me clarify, I'm talking about my mindset when it comes to self-image, motivation for working out, changing eating habits, and thinking that I can actually lose weight. So, when there’s no progress in my weight loss journey I end up feeling worse, and unfortunately, it can really bum me out. That's why I’ve decided to increase my Ashwagandha intake from 1 capsule to 2 per day. See if that helps? If I still feel the same after two months or it gets worse and starts affecting other areas of my mental health, I’ll contact my doctor. 

In conclusion, we’re off to a very slow start. I clearly have a lot of areas that I need to work on. I’m also going to start scheduling workout/run days on our family calendar so everyone knows that I have to have that time blocked off. And I’m going to try cleaning up my eating a bit more. Just a smidge. I’ll be switching up my regular lunch shake to a vegan protein shake with a few added supplements to see if it helps overall. Oh! And if you’re in search of a simple, clean, intermittent fasting app I highly recommend ZERO*. Alright, well, wish me luck! And Happy November!🍂

*Not being paid; just really love it! 

Weight Loss - Weigh In // October 2020

Starting all over. Again. You would think that at some point I would get tired of the up and down. The beginning of a journey and then its subsequent failure. Of the constant yo-yo in weight and negative body image that came with it. Of the excuses. And yet, here we are! For a while now, I’ve struggled with hormone issues. Though no one could actually pinpoint what the problems were, there were inconsistencies in my blood work. Every time. I’d have one doctor tell me it was a thyroid issue. Another said that all of my problems would go away if I just stopped eating “wheat”. Auto-Immune disease was brought up at another appointment. Then at my latest visit, with yet another doctor, I was told that I was perfectly healthy but my body was continuously producing a stress hormone. 

Apparently (supposedly), I have a case of “chronic stress”. This is causing my body to stay in “fight or flight” mode which makes me overproduce cortisol - among other things. And because of this, I won’t be able to lose weight until I get it under control. The problem is that there's no straightforward way to do that. My doctor suggested a few supplements and told me to cut back on others. Then I was told to keep exercising and hope that I’d eventually stop being so “stressed out”. I’d need to go back in four to six months to have more blood work done to check on my progress. So, here we are ladies and gents! I’m praying that this is the final and official “diagnosis” for me. That my new supplement regimen paired with a good exercise routine helps me to drop some weight and feel better. So, yes. Here’s to starting over. Again. 

Starting Weight (SW): 189 lbs 

Current Weight (CW): 193.4 lbs 

Goal Weight (GW): 160 lbs

Eating Habits- I’m currently doing the 14:10 intermittent fasting. Though I’m not super strict with it on some days because there are times when we eat dinner around 7:30 or right at 8. I eat three meals a day. I’m allowed two small snacks and one 8 oz cup of coffee. Breakfast is usually a smoothie but on days when I feel really hungry, I opt for oatmeal. Lunch is a protein shake. And then I have a regular dinner. 

Fitness Progress- Workout routines are...crap. My schedule is all over the place and it’s hard for me to have set days to work out. So, for now, I try to work out three times a week, in no particular order. But honestly, as long as I’m getting some movement in my day, I call it good for now. 

 

Mental Health- I am so frustrated with myself right now. I’m angry at the fact that more often than not when I look in the mirror I walk away feeling really low. I don’t like what I see and it carries over into how I think/speak to myself. I’m annoyed with my daily lack of motivation. And I’m tired of having to test out supplement after supplement. There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t feel like just giving up. And, I’m so frustrated with this whole process. Mentally, I’m struggling with being positive when it comes to weight loss or better eating habits. But I’m trying. And that’s really all I can do. 

In conclusion, this girl has a lot of work to do. But I feel like we’re off to an okay start. I keep telling myself that these changes have to be thought of as lifestyle changes. Because of that, I’m just doing a few things at a time instead of going all out right from the start. Clearly, that’s never worked for me before. So, I hope this all finally leads up to some weight loss. And to some better mental health days. ✌ 

Weight Loss - Weigh In - June 2019

I normally give a little bit of a rundown on how the month is going before I get into this post, but honestly, we haven’t done much. Things have been relatively quiet around here. I did have a little bit of a disagreement with my daughter’s father over a particular incident, but that’s a post for another time. We also had a little issue with our neighbor’s dog. The little shit bit Emery twice. Thankfully, nothing really bad happened because she’s a small dog and Emery’s an older kid. Still, it did break skin and I ended up filing a police report. So yea, another month, y’all! And now, another weigh-in. Here we go! 

Starting Weight (SW): 189 lbs
Current Weight (CW): 172.4 lbs
Goal Weight (GW): 160 lbs

Just FYI, this is me completely naked - right after waking up - and it's how I do the majority of my weigh-ins.

On the diet front, things have been good. Like I stated in the last post I’ve been doing my own modified version of a low carb diet. I try to keep my carb intake at 100g or less per day. This is still going strong during the week but I’m definitely more lax on the weekends. My water intake is currently sitting pretty at 96oz per day which is just right for me. I’m even getting to a point where I’m not wanting sweet tea as much anymore. I also had a visit with my doctor this month and based on my esophagus issues as well as my thyroid problems he recommended that I try cutting out gluten products. But this bissh loves her pizza and spaghetti so...yea. I may give it a try here in July, but I just don’t know. He said that cutting out bread would help with all of my health issues and ensure that the weight I’m losing stays off. But y’all…..how do I go without pizza…?? Anyway, I’m really pleased with my eating habits at the moment. I’m trying out a new Keto coffee too since I stopped buying the ItWorks kind. I couldn’t taste a major difference but I’ll keep you posted. Now, it feels like it took forever and a day to find a nice balance between the foods I want to eat and the foods I should be eating. But I’m finally getting there, and that’s been a pretty major accomplishment for me.  

Moving right along over to the fitness department. I’m finally getting back to being active. Summer is always a great time for me in this area. I like being able to run outside and breathe in some fresh air. Being able to feel the sun’s heat on my face. So, I’ve started hitting the track at least three times a week. Then I go lift weights at the gym for the other two days. Of course, there are times when I don’t feel like going in 100% but I still make sure to fit in some form of activity. If that means just walking laps around the track, or walking up and down the bleachers for about an hour then that’s what I do. If the only time I get is when we’re out walking the dogs, then I make sure to be out walking for at least thirty minutes. If you struggle with motivation like I do, just know that you don't have to go balls to the wall, when working out. Even something as simple as walking for 20 minutes per day can go a long way. And this is because any kind of movement is better than nothing at all. 

Mentally, I’m feeling pretty good. My anxiety has been kept pretty much at bay lately. During my doctor’s appointment, we also talked about when I’d start scaling back on my medications. At the moment, the game plan is to keep me on them for another two to three months. Then we’ll start the process of weaning me off, and hopefully, I’ll do well on my own. So, in that area, I feel like I’m right on track. This week has been a bit of a strange one for me though. Between my supplements, creams, increase in medication mg’s, and a few nights of very little sleep I’m feeling a little off balance. It’s hard to put into words but it’s almost a little disorienting; out of body. Also, my hormones have been raging, think peak teenage sex drive status, and I’ll be completely honest - it can be very VERY distracting. So, I’m making another round of adjustments to see if switching things up helps tamper this...eh..side effect? And I’m also trying to get back to a 9:30 (ish) bedtime because this lady definitely needs at least six hours of it to function. 

Overall, I’m feeling pretty great! I’m focusing more on just being healthy rather than being “skinny”. I only weigh myself at the end of each month in order to not focus on the numbers. We did do a mid-month weigh-in for our office competition, but other than that I don’t worry about it. This has also been a really great way for me to learn more about my body. From my menstrual cycle to the foods that cause me to bloat and how much sleep I need in order to feel my best. I’m learning more about when my body needs rest, what causes my headaches, and when I can push a workout a bit further. When I start to feel the edges of my anxiety start to flare out I know that I need a good sweat session in order to put that fucker back in its place. When I start to overthink things or feel overwhelmed I know that I need to go for a run or hit the bleachers. Maybe even both. I’ve found this to be a great way for my mind to work through whatever is troubling me. Now, I only have one goal for July and that’s to increase my weekly running mileage. I currently do about three miles of strictly running each week and I want to bump that up to four. So, that’s about all for this month’s progress post. All catch y’all again at the end of July. 🌞

Weight Loss - Weigh In - May 2019

Summer is officially here, y’all! Last week we had the last days of school for our area, and Emery was more than ready for it to be over. We had a lot of stuff to get done before school was out so I was a little MIA. Sorry! We’ve also had some changes at home, and I spent some much needed time smoothing out the transition. There were also some back-to-back storms that rolled through our area last month and they kind of messed with my Wifi. We finally got it all fixed last Friday. This is why I completely spaced on my “weigh in” post for May. So, lucky you, this means that there will be two this month! You’re welcome. Anywho, let’s get started, shall we? 

Starting Weight (SW): 189 lbs
Current Weight (CW): 175.8 lbs
Goal Weight (GW): 160 lbs

On the diet front, I started doing a modified version of low carb. Now, I love pizza and pasta. Tortillas and bread. So, I knew that I didn’t want to give all of it up completely. After consulting my ever knowledgable sister-in-law I decided to try and stick with 100g or less on carbs during the week. On the weekends I would just stick with making healthy choices. So far, I feel like this has made me feel better physically. I’m sticking with it as best as I can, and overall there has been less bloating. I also backed off on my coffee intake. And y’all, that detox was no freakin’ joke. I spent five full days in absolute hell. Another two with some killer headaches. But, I got it done. Last week I did have some days when I consumed coffee, but we are going back off this week. Fingers crossed it won’t be so bad. My water intake has stayed consistent, and overall I’m pleased with that. 

Moving on to fitness. May was not my best month. BUT there was progress. I did spend time walking in the afternoons, and I went to the gym twice a week. I mainly used the treadmill to walk and I’d hop on the elliptical too. I’m trying to get my body used to doing cardio again since I’ve gone so long without. June will be the month that I start building on this progress. I'm hoping to have a nice variety of gym time as well as hitting the track for some good old fashion bleacher sessions. Wish me luck! 

Mentally, May started off rocky. I had a few major changes that I’ll talk about at a later date. There was an adjustment period that I needed to work through. My doctor and I had also increased my medication by a few mg’s and it took a few days to figure out what time frame they needed to be taken at in order for me to not feel complete groggy in the mornings. I’ve still been taking the weight loss pills, but only during the week. They now only keep me really REALLY thirsty. They were not much of an appetite suppressant for very long. About the first three weeks only. And as I spoke about them before, they did not give me any energy. So, at the moment they’re just ensuring that I keep drinking water throughout the day. I go back to speak with my doctor in two weeks about all of the medications I have and when we’ll be starting the process of getting me off of them. We’ll also be doing more blood work and I’m hoping there’s been some improvement with my thyroid as well as my hormones. 

Overall, I’ve been feeling a lot better than I have in a long time. I’ve stayed off of Facebook for the most part since I gave it up for Lent. Updated a few things last night, but that was done on the computer. The APP has been removed from my phone.  The only real social media I use is Instagram. My phone switches over to “Do Not Disturb” earlier than before too. I feel like this has helped me out a lot. I’m focusing more on taking care of myself rather than all of the noise around me. That said, for June I have a few goals I’m hoping to smash. I’m wanting to start running again, and now that Emery is out of school I’m hoping to start a more consistent work out routine. However, I’m more focused on just being active rather than how many calories I’ve burned or the weight that I’m lifting. I’m more focused now on being healthy rather than “skinny”. I feel like my eating habits are pretty solid and established now so I just want to keep going in that area. And then, I'm also planning on finally deleting a few of my social media accounts and possibly deactivating Facebook again soon. So yeah here’s to June y’all! To summer and finally getting some downtime. I hope it's been a great start for everyone so far. 

Weight Loss - Weigh In - April 2019

April has just been one of those months, you know? And as much as I wish I could say there was a ton of progress, there wasn’t. But this month is ALL on me. I’ve been doing my best to get through this huge tidal wave of emotions that made their way into my life recently. But fuck if it hasn’t been hard. I honestly had no motivation to do anything this month. The goals I had set back in March went out the window almost as soon as I had set them. Working out was the last thing on my mind. And now that my body is getting balanced out on the hormone front I’ve been experiencing A LOT of feelings. Then once my cycle comes around, forget about it, I’m a complete mess. I cried over anything and everything. Sometimes over nothing at all! I even cried over Heath Ledger GIF’s. Even with my anti-depressants, during this time, I sometimes still feel really low. But it changes within minutes. So, yea, it’s been intense. I’m just trying my best to learn how to navigate all of the feelings when they get really intense like this. I’m told takes a lot of practice. Anyway, more on that later. For now, I’m just going to cover the stats for this month. 

Starting Weight (SW): 189 lbs
Current Weight (CW): 180.4 lbs
Goal Weight (GW): 160 lbs

On the diet front, I personally think I’m doing really good. It’s been about the same for a few months now. The only difference is my caffeine intake. For April, I started drinking It Works! Keto Coffee. Now, I basically got guilted into trying this for three months so that’s honestly the only reason why I’m drinking it.  It is sooo overpriced, and it hasn’t done anything for me, honestly. Psst, you can get it from Amazon at basically the same price as you would through a distributor. Regardless, I’m stuck with it for two more months. So, I’ve replaced two cups of my normal coffee in the morning with 10 oz of this. Anyway, everything else has stayed the same. 

Now, for the exercise part. Ha! Ahahahahaha! Yea, I sucked. There was no progress here whatsoever.  I walked a bit, but other than that. Nothing. So, yea. All on me.  

Mentally, I’ve been doing okay. Like I stated above, I’ve just been on what feels like hormone overload. And so the closer I get to my cycle the more mood swings I tend to have. I've also been getting panic/anxiety attacks. My mood swings are usually frequent and often leave me with some emotional whiplash. I’m not even kidding. A few days after my cycle ends I’ll look back and think, “WTF was that?!?!” I go through really low lows and then really high highs around the time of, and during my cycle. Once it's over I go back to feeling fine. I know that in order to shake a lot of this off I need to start working out again in order to alleviate some of that pent up anxiety, or frustration from the day. But I just don’t. Either I’m short on time, or I just have no motivation. Or I feel completely exhausted and tapped out. So, I’m trying to get a handle on this. It's been two months of going through these mood swings, and it's basically trial and error when it comes to figuring out what works and what doesn't. Until then, I’m basically at the mercy of my emotions. And flying by the seat of my pants for most of it. 

Overall, I need to get my shit together. I know that I won’t get to feeling better until I start working out again. It was always a great way for me to relax and sweat the day out. Running served as therapy in a way too. And ever since I stopped, things just kind of took a nosedive where my emotions are concerned. However, getting back to that mindset of making my physical health a priority is what’s been the most challenging. So, I guess for the month of May I want to keep everything relatively the same. My only goal will be to start making an effort to head to the gym. Or at the very least go out for a run. Minimum of twice a week. So, here's to the end of this month and the start of a fresh one. 

Weight Loss - Weigh In - March 2019

This month went by pretty quickly. I’ve been in a bit of a funk lately too. Or at least I was. I believe it had a lot to do with my medications being adjusted, but I’m not entirely sure. Then I started feeling stabby and needy, but as it turns out that was just me PMSing. Phew. Still, this month was a rough one emotionally. However, I did manage to work on my eating habits and my water intake. And honestly, I think the weight loss pills helped out A LOT in those areas. Even when I took a whole week off, I felt like I still made good food choices, and drank plenty of water. Now, whether this will continue long term, I have yet to find out. What I do know is that I start my second month supply next week. For now, let me just go over my progress for March. 

Starting Weight (SW): 189 lbs
Current Weight (CW): 183.4 lbs
Goal Weight (GW): 160 lbs

When it comes to food I’ve stuck with fruits, yogurts, and veggies mainly. Whole wheat bread, white rice, chicken breasts, and fish. There have been times when I’ve had cravings and I went along with them because I wanted to indulge. But only a little. I portioned things out, and I always did my best to not overeat. When I’m full, I’m full. I also increased my daily water intake between 64-76 oz per day. On the weekends it’s slightly less. But not by much. I keep a water bottle in my car, at work, and at home at all times. So, this helped keep me from getting tea or soda when I was out and about. Not that I drink much soda these days anyway. So, I would say that I’m feeling pretty good in the “diet” department. When I was first told about the weight loss pills I was a bit skeptical. I was told that I would have a lot of energy and that I would want to be up and moving around. However, just like with everything else out there, my body didn’t react in that way. Instead, the pills made me really thirsty. And water was the only thing I craved. They did help with curbing my cravings, and I feel that they helped me become more disciplined when it came to not overeating. So, this was definitely a great benefit.

The fitness area is where I've had a lot of trouble lately. I didn’t work out much this month. Like, hardly at all. I really wanted to start heading to the gym and getting workouts in at the beginning of March. I felt really motivated at first, but then I hit a funk. A slump. I didn’t want to leave the house. Beau was picking Emery up and bringing her back at random times so I never had a set schedule or time slot that I could dedicate to going to the gym. But as of last week, I did start building up to running again. I started doing sprints, across from my house in an open field, whenever Emery is busy with her homework. And this week I finally asked Beau to help me come up with a consistent schedule that worked for both of us. The custody agreement we have serves as more of a guide than anything else because of Emery's schedule so we don’t really go by it. However, I think it would be best if we worked on establishing a better routine. I’m currently working on a shared calendar to help iron things out a  bit. I’m hoping that once this is in place I’ll be able to carve out a time slot to workout. Fingers crossed!  

Mentally, things have been a bit rocky but okay. Since my medication was increased last month it’s been interesting trying to pinpoint the best time to take them. If I take them too early then I’m wanting to be in bed by 7pm, and well that’s not possible. If I take them too late then it’s hell waking up in the morning. So far, I’ve narrowed the window down to between 7:30-8:30pm. Still, there are some days when even that time slot fails me. BUT the increase in my medication has allowed me to feel much better during the day. While I was in the midst of this “funk” of mine I honestly don’t think I would have gotten out of bed if I wasn’t taking something. There were days when I didn’t want to see anyone, or leave my house. But I would tell myself that I had to do something. Even if it was something small. I had to get my ass up and move. And I did. I think this is what helped me work through what I needed to in order to feel better. So, I feel like things are good.  

Overall, I think I did pretty well. I know that I didn’t achieve both of my goals for this month, but I think I got a solid handle on the dieting goal I had set for myself. And I’m down ten pounds since my doctor’s visit in February! I’d say that the changes paired with the pills have been working the way that they are meant to. Again, these pills are just tools though. I did take a week off from them to see if I could keep up with the same routine. I wanted to make sure that even without them I still drank plenty of water, went for more walks, and stuck with my diet. So far, so good. Which brings me to my goal for April: working out three to four times a week. On the days that Beau has Emery, I’m wanting to dedicated at least one hour of that time to a gym session or at the very least going for a run. No excuses. This week I started building up to one mile runs again, and I’d like to increase my distance by the end of the month. However, my first priority is to just get back into working out consistently. If I can reach 175 lbs on the scale by the end of this next month I'll be pretty stoked. But honestly, right now I'll be happy with just making it to 179 and breaking through that 180 lb wall that I've been at for so long. So here’s to April, y'all! To longer days, more sunshine, and hopefully some much-needed motivation!

An ER Visit and Answers

Yesterday morning was spent in the emergency room. My daughter has been complaining of abdominal pain, dizziness, chest pains, and headaches for over two months now. At first, it was random. None of the symptoms came up all at once. One day it was chest pains. Several days later it would be stomach pains and dizziness. A week would go by and then she’d mention headaches. We visited with her primary about two weeks ago, and the results came back “ify”. Her EKG results came back fine but she didn’t appear to be outgrowing her asthma. Her other test results showed high levels of white blood cells so they leaned towards an infection. Bladder or UTI; weren’t 100% sure but either would get knocked out with the same medication. So, off we went on our way. We had answers, and that’s all that mattered. 

Then Sunday night there was nothing but tossing and turning. Moaning in pain. Neither of us had gotten much sleep, and as we woke up on Monday she started complaining of the pain. She didn’t want to move, but she had to get ready for school. As she got out of bed, she said, “Mom, my legs feel like jello.” And down she went. So, that sealed the deal. We needed better answers, and I needed to know what I had to do in order to make her feel better. So, I made the decision to take her into the emergency room. This is a last resort for us because our hospital is notorious for being slow & less than helpful. Thankfully we were the only ones there that morning so they were able to get us in right away. After several hours, scans, blood tests, and x-rays we were told that she looked fairly healthy. However, she did have a viral infection and an irritated bowel. Her intestines were also having a hard time digesting and processing her food. So, this told us she was having GI issues, and that the most likely culprit was food allergies. The dizziness and “jello legs” were all just a byproduct of her severe abdominal pain.  

Unfortunately, there was nothing that could be given to her for the pain or the infection. It would just have to run its course. If her pain continues, or get worse then we'll be referred to a Pediatric GI specialist at Cook Children's. For now, it doesn't look like surgery will be necessary, but there may be other options. Until then, we just have to keep track of what she's eating. After some advice from my sister-in-law, I opted to switch over to some gluten-free products. And now we just wait. I'm hoping the diet change is all that needs to be done. Emery, on the other hand, is so over gluten-free and it's been less than twenty-four hours. So, send us some prayers, or good vibes if that's your thing because having a grumpy nine-year-old that consistently talks about how nasty gluten free stuff is and how she's "starving" for real food is already getting old. And again, it hasn't even been twenty-four hours. So, wish me us luck! We're both gonna need it. 

📷:Google search

It's Easy & Good For Me?

So, in my attempt to get things back on track in the “weight loss” department. I’ve started to replace a meal with a Rockin Wellness shake. It’s not meant to be a weight loss shake, I just do it because it makes me full. And it keeps me full for a long time. Before I was doing those slim-fast shakes but after about a month or so I noticed that they would make me feel awful. Tired, sluggish, and down right nauseated. So when my co-worker suggested I try this out, I happily took the sample I was offered. And man, am I glad that I did.

First, let me just say that I like the idea of incorporating smoothies, and shakes into a balanced diet. I’m all for the idea of getting all of these fresh vegetables and fruits, and tossing them into a blender first thing in the morning to make your very own yummy concoction. Yay for healthy eating habits! But in reality, when that alarm goes off at 5 am, I hit the off button. Then when 6 am rolls around, I hit the snooze button. Why? Because I’m freakin lazy in the morning. The mental picture of waking up all wide eyed, bushy-tailed, with a huge smile on my face getting my healthy breakfast on, is just that. A mental picture. In reality, I wait till 6:20 am before opening my eyes. Then, I finally drag my grouchy butt out of bed ten minutes later. This may or may not be the reason why I’m always rushing in the morning. Zero will power, remember?

So, when my friend said: “Hey, you should try this. It’s simple, organic, healthy, and it gives you energy without the crash.” I was all over that shizz. Now, I’m not always one to read ingredient labels because my daughter makes shopping trips insanely difficult. I usually just grab and go. Then, when my sister-in-law comes over she goes over my groceries with a fine tooth comb. I’m either praised or scolded. So I was putting my trust in the idea that my coworker had read the ingredients. I brought my package home and when Kim looked at the ingredients on the back of the bag, I was rewarded with a thumbs up. So below are the list of ingredients for your inspection.

Ingredients: Cacao, Goji, Maca, Hulled Hemp Seed, Chia, Flaxseed, Lecithin, Green Tea, Yerba Mate, Vegan Probiotics with small amounts of Brown Rice Protein, Stevia, Guar Bean, Banana, (less than 2 grams) organic sugar cane

 You can go to their actual site if you want more information.

Immediately after drinking 8 oz of this stuff with Soy Milk, I was FULL. Not that, “Oh my gosh this hurts to move” full. No, I was given this “I ate something satisfying and I don’t have to unbutton my jeans” full. That alone was worth the 30 bucks I spent. Since then, I’ve switched over to almond milk, and I’m still getting the same fullness. But the best part about this shake is that after 3 days of drinking it first thing in the morning, I’ve noticed I have more energy. I get to work and I am ready to go! What’s even better is that it lasts a good 3-4 hours, which is perfect. I feel so awake within minutes too. There's hardly any waiting. Before you couldn’t talk to me till I had my coffee or sweat tea. And even then, it would take at least an hour for my caffeine high to take effect. By that point I would already be on my second third cup. So to go from that to only 8 oz. of this delicious stuff, I feel like this is a really good trade. My first of many steps to finally lose the extra weight for good. :)

I will admit that my diet hasn’t been the greatest. I've slipped and slid. But, we’re back on a pretty tight budget so that cuts out a lot of our dinning out. It also forces me to stretch out ingredients. So, it looks like a lot of the junk will be cut out of our lives. I’m trying not to mourn the loss of chocolate chip cookies. I’m hoping that with this new budget, and want of change will be enough to get me back on track. My running and working out took a back seat last week because of all the rain we got. And my treadmill is officially broken so I couldn’t run inside. This week was a lot better though. Now if only I could really stick with it this time. Here's to motivation and CHANGE! Have a great weekend, y'all!

Mentally Getting There

As you guys all know I’m constantly trying to loose weight. I work out, eat healthy, and then fall of the bandwagon in a bad way. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. I hit a slump, or something happens and I’m out for the count for a few days weeks. It’s such a sad thing, and I blame it on my lack of self control. A lot of times, I feel like everything has to be in order. I’m not full on OCD, but there are certain things that I need to have in or done a certain way. Call it some pretty badass organization skills if you’d like, but there are things in my life that I absolutely have to have in a certain order, a certain color, a certain amount. Unfortunately, when it comes to laundry, food, and working out these rules do not apply. Again, lack of self control. Sometimes I think that out of everything that I have to have a certain way, those are the only things I allow myself to fail in.  Why is laundry on the list? I have no idea. But it is, and I can tell you right now that I'm awful when it comes to it. But that's a story for another time. 

Anyway, mentally I know it’s all an excuse. If I really set my mind to it, I can achieve it. I can loose weight. I can make better food choices. I can put good things into my body. I can make that lifestyle choice. I've done it before. But for some reason, I don’t push hard enough. I don’t make myself. I look at myself first thing in the morning and I tell myself that I’ll do good. I’ll eat right. I’ll come home and exercise. I’ll get what I want, and I’ll be damn proud. But by the time lunch rolls around, I usually cave. Or I get home and I feel too tired. I don’t push myself. I’ve repeated so many things throughout the day, and I’ve just exhausted myself mentally with all these “ticks”. I end up allowing the time I have at home to turn into excuses. I tell myself, “You deserve the day off” or “You’ll make it up tomorrow.” And it sucks that I allow those things to be my “short comings”. I wish that I could trade my “even number” tick for a “have to run every day” tick. Seriously my life would be so much better. But I can’t and so it’s all up to me. Mentally. To get my ass into gear.

I know that this already sounds like an excuse. And you know what? It probably is. But it’s how I feel. It’s what I do. And now, in hopes of getting my ass back in gear for hopefully the last time, I want to change things up. I’m trying my best to force myself into staying active. Force myself to not indulge. Make myself push harder. Treat this like I would anything else in my life: with discipline. I need to tell myself that this is something I have to do. I know that the results I want are completely possible. I just need to make myself get there. Even if that means working out late at night. I’ve tried doing early morning, but that’s not happening -- 4 am wake-up calls are just insane. I need to push all of the negative out of my mind and really focus. I know it won’t be easy. Especially with school right around the corner. But it’s not impossible. And I realize that I need to stop allowing excuses. They’re getting me no where. Until then, I’ll stay the same. I won’t change how I eat. I won’t work out consistently. I won’t loose the weight. And I won’t be happy.

Click picture for source.

This is not me, obv. But, this girl started out at my weight and is now at 145 lbs and dropping. 

Truly an inspiration. And motivation.

The Sting of Humiliation

Today, my post will be highly embarrassing. For me. I’m about to expose myself in a way that I’ve NEVER done before. You see, recently I found myself to be highly unmotivated when it came to working out and eating right. I would put it off for “tomorrow”, and then conveniently not be able to do it. Then, I started to just eat whatever I wanted. Chicken Express, Taco Bell, and Jack in the Box. I stopped watching portions, and as I stated before, my weight rose back up. Out of the 12 lbs that I had lost, I gained all but 3 back.

My clothes started to feel tight again. My energy levels started giving out around 10 am. And not only did I feel fat, but I looked fat. Flab everywhere! I can’t ever look at myself without being critical of everything. From the stretch marks, to the big nose, and the jelly-like thighs. It’s just something I’ve always done. But, I also remember a time when even though I was critical, I had a good self image of myself. I was content with how I looked. Today, I find that I’m completely disgusted with myself. And slowly, the person looking back at me in the mirror has become such a disappointment. And all in less than two months time! That’s how quickly it took me to fall back down. To gain most of the weight back, and to go back to feeling awful.

So now I’m pissed. I‘m mad at myself for letting this happen. For stalling my own progress. I’m angry with myself for being lazy. I’m ashamed at how weak I am when it comes to junk food. How I would just reach for junk without thinking. And I know that I can plan all I want but it’s what I do, and what I allow myself to put into my body that really matters. No one else is responsible for my weight gain other than me. And self discipline is the only thing that will get me back on track right now. I have to want this. I have to be strong enough to say NO. Because if I’m not, I’ll look like this (or worse) for the rest of my life. 

Which brings me right back around to motivation, and embarrassment. I hardly ever post pictures of myself from the boobs down. Even then you can still tell by my face that I’m on the chubby side. So on Wednesday, I thought about a post I once wrote about taking pictures throughout my progress. But, I was way too embarrassed, and I never did. So today, I’m posting pictures, unedited, of myself in all my glory. No, not naked. I'm giving you the gross, flabby, stretch mark covered me.  Because I need this. I need to know that I put these out there, knowing that I don’t want them out there. Because it’s embarrassing. It's humiliating. And because I don’t want people to see me like this. So in order to get these images out of your (and my) head, I need to change it. I need to be able to post pictures of progress, so that I can say:

“That was me then."

February 8, 2012 CW: 167lbs

Vegetarian

Recently, I decided I needed to take a different approach to my diet. I need to start really watching WHAT I’m putting into my body. Counting calories has been great, and I’ve lost 10 lbs with doing just this and working out. Unfortunately with life being a bit more hectic than usual, eating on the go, and not having a lot of time to keep a consistent work out going, I’ve realized that just counting calories isn’t going to cut it. At least not if I want to keep loosing.

So, recently I’ve looked into vegetarianism. Now, before I go any farther let me just say I love meat. I am from Texas after all. I love a nice medium rare, 12 oz. steak (great, now I’m hungry) just as much as the next Texan girl. But, eating this all of the time is no bueno. Not that I eat a steak every night for dinner. But I do catch myself eating friend chicken, chicken, or beef in/with a lot of my meals. I really feel like this needs to stop. I think I need to be focusing more on whole foods. Lots of veggies, fruits, and a lot more water. A lot like clean eating.

I don’t plan on being completely vegetarian exactly. Like I said, I love meat. But, I think that I need to cut as much of it out as possible. My plan is to really limit beef, and just stick to chicken (not fried chicken). Slowly wean myself off of them both to where they’re pretty much nonexistent. Maybe only include them in two meals a week? I don’t know how well this will work, or if I’ll even be able to stick with it. Especially in a family that loves meat, and will not alter their diet just because I’m altering mine. LOL! But, my main goal is to have more veggies and fruits than I do meats.

This week I ate meats. I had some hot pockets that needed to be finished up, and I’m the only one that eats them. Excuse? Maybe. Tomorrow I’ll be doing our weekly grocery shopping, so I’ll be going through a whole foods and vegetarian cookbook to get some ideas on recipes and ingredients. If I fail miserably, well at least I tried, and learned a few recipes! 

Motivation!

Last week was a bad one in regards to my “diet”. My husband and my checks weren’t very good at the beginning of the week because of our hours and also because I was sick and left early from work one day. I get paid every Monday, and he get’s paid every Friday. After paying our bills, paying my parents, and gas screwing us over we had very little left over for groceries. I made sure to get Emery’s essentials first, and then shopped for us. On a budget of less than $100. For the most part, we hit up the dollar menu’s, or went without.

But as you all know, those dollar menu’s aren’t healthy at all. Jack In The Box has this breakfast platter for $3, that’s off the chain!! No lie. So the calories totally killed me. I didn’t even bother to weigh in last week. I probably should have, to announce my failure, but I’m doing some damage control to get my ass back into gear. It started last Thursday. During this week, I’ll do a weigh in just to see what I’m working with.

On the bright side: I can still feel the difference in my clothes! They’re starting to fit a lot better so I’m pretty pleased with that! I came up with this new strategy for motivation. I’m constantly on my phone, checking emails, Facebook, blogging, checking the weather, or messages. So, I decided to put an old picture of myself as my background to give myself motivation and keep me away from the sweets. Visually seeing myself at that size really kicks my ass. Seeing it makes me realize that I’ve been smaller before, and I can do it again. It might not be easy, but it is possible. Here’s the picture I used:

This was me right before I moved to California. It seems like forever ago, but it’s only been 4 years! Now, I know I might not actually get down to that exact size. Vaginal child birth kind of throws your hips out a bit, but I want to get as close as possible! And I want to be consistent with this! I want to be able to eat healthy and make smart choices all of the time. No slip ups! Hopefully both of these will be achieved before the end of the year!

What Diet?

Oh boy.

So, as I had said before our great time at the show wasn’t without its stressful moments. I also should have mentioned I pretty much ate the weight of two elephants while I was at it, this past weekend. Meh! I know. I was on a roll last week, and I was so motivated. I refused chocolate, and I stuck with my plans. I felt like a damn champ! Then, Saturday happened and I had myself 6 pieces of pizza, a salad, two brownies, two hamburgers, and about a gallon of sweet tea. I seriously could have swallowed a whole large pizza to myself had I not realized I was the only one left eating. Yea..and that was just Saturday. I had this whole morning work out planned for the day, but it rained. Now, I know I have a treadmill, but when you’ve been doing nothing but running inside for two weeks, you need a little change. Does that sound like an excuse to you?? Yea, because it was. But anyway, at one point this weekend I also had myself about 3/4 of a container of Chips Ahoy! Chewy Chocolate Chip cookies and a big ass taco salad (with the shell). Don’t judge.

On Monday and Tuesday, I didn't work out. To make matter worse, on one of those days I overate! People, I’m not proud of this. I was supposed to do a weigh-in over at My Fitness Pal on Monday, but I was way too ashamed to get my ass on the scale. I really really need to work on my impulse control and stress eating. I do it every single time! I’ll have a good two weeks and then do something to completely sabotage it. It’s miserable! I feel miserable. I look miserable. It’s like I freakin' binge eat! Only I don’t plan on throwing it back up because that would be wasteful.

Seriously, this bad habit of mine along with the stress, caused me to break out over the weekend. I look awful today! It also caused me to get all bloated. But more importantly, it completely screwed my “good thing” that I had going, up. I got my ass back on track Tuesday. I hope I can keep it up. I need to figure out how to control the amount I eat. And I really have to do something about the weekends. When I’m out and about it’s just so much easier to get take-out or fast food instead of making and packing a lunch. I’ll go in dead set on a salad and come out with a double meat double cheese. No control, what-so-ever.

To further my humiliation, and to give me some damn good motivation I’m thinking of posting pictures as I progress. Nothing says “get your ass to working out” more than embarrassing pictures of your jiggle up on the net, right? Eh, it’s an idea. Once I take the pictures I’ll let you know what the plans are. They may have to stay in a little black box buried in the backyard, but we’ll see.

Something’s gotta give. I have to kick my ass in gear. I know I can do this because I have before. Unfortunately back then I had way too much extra time on my hands so I could spend hours working out if I wanted to. Nowadays, I’d have to be up before the sun and we all know how I feel about that idea, right? Gr. Here’s to some much-needed changes.

Clean Eating!!! Well, Trying To...

So, I thought I had myself all prepared to go on this diet, and then again, shit happened. So, I just tried to not eat so much. On some things, I watched my calorie intake, and other times I just made sure I didn’t go for round 3 at the buffet. Bull shitting aside, I’m back on my calorie counting. On Tuesday I did a “mini detox”. I ate fruit for breakfast, drank a ton of water, had a healthy choice meal, and then it was a fruit for dinner. I might/might not have slipped in a cookie somewhere in there, but I plead the fifth. I know, I totally suck at diets. Seriously, I want my high school motivation back. I was way more strict back then.

But, back to my point: I have decided to start documenting through photography what I eat every day, for thirty days! I got the inspiration from Jess, over at IROCKSOWHAT. This one will be tough people. I’m hoping it serves as a daily reminder/ motivation/kick in the ass! Kind of like a “Don’t eat that shit because you know you have to post it” thing.  So yesterday was my first “official” day of this. I had my strawberries for breakfast, but by 11:00 am, I was STARVING! Still, I held out. My stomach needs to get used to not always having a lot of food in it. Yea, that’s gonna be fun. The button, so you guys can take a peek, will be at the bottom of this post and later I'll post it on the side column somewhere.

Now, I’ve been thinking a lot about why I really want to lose weight. I know the main part is for my health. My weight constantly going up and down is not healthy for me. Plus my immunity system sucks so that should improve. I also want to lose weight for Emery. She can’t have a mom that gets winded climbing stairs now can she? But as vain as this may sound a huge part of why is also to look good. I don’t mean a “knock out” with fake everything, although a boob lift is totally on my wishlist after we officially decide no more kids. But, that will never be me. I just mean that I personally hate fat rolls on adults that always complain about being fat and never do anything about it. Bitching won't get you closer to weight loss. I understand that there are circumstances and there are conditions that people can’t help. If you’re of sound body and mind, you want to lose weight, but you're just lazy, then I think that’s ridiculous. And this is exactly the direction I was going in. I was becoming one of those people that didn’t care about themselves. Don’t get that confused with “caring about what others think”, because I don’t. I was complaining about being fat but not wanting to actually work to lose it. I was wishing that just magically it would all disappear. Yea...not gonna happen. I know that I once had control over my weight, and I want that back. I want that back for ME.

I know this won’t happen overnight as I’ve stated many times. And I’m going to slip up every now and then. But I feel like my motivation has come back full force. Now if only I could get off this stupid running stall out, and I’ll be golden!  

Put The Cookie Down

I know, I know! I'm supposed to start being all positive. I didn’t forget. However, I’m not trying to be negative about myself, I’m just spitting out the truth. You know, word vomit. May 1st-16th was good. I was eating well, running consistently. On my off days, I’d take Em for a ride, or a walk. It was great. Then someone had to go rain on my parade and life decided it was going to be a butt.

I have gained every pound, and then some, that I lost while I was doing so good! It kind of pisses me off. My boss man had also been on a diet, and we would share our weigh-ins with each other. Then he jumped off the wagon, and I followed shortly after. Well, my awesome boss man started up again and has stuck to his diet for 3 weeks, and already he’s lost twenty pounds! As awesome as that is, it also makes me want to shove my own face into a big fat chocolate cake. I literally want to go get a gallon of cookie dough ice cream and eat away my failure. BUT, I haven’t hit that low of a point....yet.

Yes, I know that boys can lose a lot faster than us girls. And yes, I know that eating whatever comes into my peripheral vision is NOT going to help me lose weight. At all. But, I just can’t HELP it. I’m not going to lie, this past week, I’ve been stuffing my face. It makes me feel a bit ashamed and like I have no self-control. Because I don’t. I had a beef and bean burrito for crying out loud! FROM A GAS STATION! Yea! See where I’m going with this? I basically SUCK at diets. And, I love food.

So this means I need a game plan. I need to get back on my freakin' diet bandwagon before I start gaining even more weight than I already have (at the moment, my mouth is covered in oreo cook crumbs...just sayin'). I can’t stress enough how much I want to lose weight, but I can’t seem to muster up an ounce of motivation right now! This is seriously pissing me off, people!! And with all of my running problems lately, I’m getting worse about keeping that up too. And do you know what annoys me the most out of all of this??

I KNOW WHAT MY PROBLEM IS, I JUST REFUSE TO PUT THE COOKIE DOWN!!

Yup. Sometimes I’ll catch myself with a bag of chips and think “This is not good for me...”, shrug and continue to eat the contents of the bag. I’m so not proud of this, but I don’t know how to stop?? It’s like an internal battle that the “good shoulder angel” refuses to even fight the “bad shoulder angel” over. Because my “good shoulder angel” is a freakin' wuss!! So, I know that I need to lose the weight. I know that I need to stop eating CRAP. Because in all honesty, it does help. For that short time that I was doing well, my energy level was up. I was getting a good nights sleep, and my mornings were a bit perkier. My nails were growing again, and I was in an overall better mood. I want that back. For the love of all things, I just want to be a morning person again! Whoa.

So starting July (because I need a week to plan, prepare, and gather some motivation), I’m trying for the thirty day eat clean diet again. I’m also thinking about buying a treadmill because lately there have been talks about snakes coming out, and this girl just doesn’t do snakes! I live out in the country, I run when it starts to get darker, and I stick to dirt roads because I’ve almost been hit TWICE on the main roads. And the last thing I need is to get bit by a rattlesnake (because that would be just my luck).

So, these are my thoughts on the situation for now. I’m praying for some much-needed impulse control. I’m also hoping the hubby will allow me to grocery shop for mainly WHOLE FOODS. He really hates not having snacks and only “healthy” stuff in the fridge. Plus, as I’ve stated before I want to be able to raise Emery in a "healthy eating family”. I can’t tell her to eat veggies and not have soda’s when I’m turning around and having them myself. Plus, I could only use the whole “well I’m a grown up and your not” excuse for so long. So, I might as well kick my ass and force myself to stick with this. What kind of mother would I be if I couldn’t control myself? A fat one, that’s what. And I just don’t like the image that pops into my head when I imagine myself fat. Not pretty, people! Not pretty at all!