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We're Going to Be Okay

I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to put the last couple of days into words. I feel completely terrified as I write this. There are so many emotions that I'm feeling, and they change by the hour. And I honestly have no idea what tomorrow is going to bring. What I thought was going to happen, or at least how it started out originally, was completely misleading. That shift that I've talked about before finally happened, and it hasn't been an easy pill to swallow. In fact, I still feel very drained. Sure. But drained. I felt this urge to write about what's been going on because I needed to pour it out. However, I've written so many different versions over the past 48 hours that I wasn't sure which one I should post. I have the nice version, this version, the not so nice version, and the "I'm totally fine" version too. I actually scheduled one, drafted it, rescheduled it, and then drafted it again. It's as if putting this out there would make it real. This was actually happening. And to be honest with you I'm not sure how I'm going to handle this. Right now I just feel numb. So, here goes nothing. 

On Wednesday of last week I asked for a separation with the intention of getting a divorce. That sentence still feels really weird to think. Even more strange to say out loud. Which is why I could count the people I've told on one hand before publishing this post. I feel like I knew this was going to happen, and yet I didn't at the same time. It makes sense in one way, and yet feels so foreign in another. And to be honest I'm still pretty scared. Probably not for the reason you're thinking though. I'm completely heartbroken at the turn this has taken. I feel really damn lost, and even with all the clarity I thought I had I still have a crap ton of confusion circling through my heart. But I know I'm making the right decision. Before I came to it though I told myself that I needed to be completely certain. I had to make sure that I had done everything in my power to try making things work. I also told myself that I needed to make sure that all of the "reasons" weren't just in my head. That the unhappiness, and the uncertainty weren't just a side effect of nitpicking. Of trying to find a reason. Things had been stressful, and money has been super tight. I didn't want these feelings to be a by product of all that stress, and anxiety being built up. Sadly, at the beginning of last week I found out about some things that I'm not really ready to talk about yet, but they gave me the push I needed. 

It's safe to say that I finally felt that shift click into place. After finding out a few more things I just knew that I couldn't go through this again. It was time to stop this roller coaster, and get the fuck off. At first, I said he was welcomed to stay in our shared home until he could find his own place. I even offered to work over time, and take out some extra money in order for him to put down on an apartment. I wanted to work together on this because I love him. But then on Saturday, when I woke up to a handful of other discoveries, I immediately took our daughter to my parents house. I called his family, demanded some answers (which I never got), and after a few hours I asked him to leave that same day. I wanted needed a divorce. Then I waited for him to pack up his things before handing over the car keys. He left with some really hurtful words, and not before breaking several things inside our home. Once he started backing out of the driveway I got into my vehicle, and I cried the entire time I drove away. I felt like everything inside was shattering, and I knew there was nothing else I could do. This was really...truly...the end. 

I'll dive into more of the specific at a later time. Right now, I'm still processing it myself. But I am determined to handled this better than our first separation. Back then I had no idea what I was going to do, or what had set everything off so suddenly. I spent a lot of time grieving, and I cried so much. I was handed shock after shock, and I allowed myself to get caught up in him. I was utterly devastated, and heartbroken in every possible way. Now, I'm not saying that I'm not feeling those same things now. I just feel stronger this time, or more sure of my capabilities. I'm not letting my emotions lead the way either. Instead I just try my best to get through each day as best as I can. I smile, and I go about everything normally. For my daughter as much as for myself. I refuse to crumble like I did before. Sure I've had my weak moments. Moments when I panic, and ask myself if I'm doing the right thing. Moments when I hurt so badly inside because this wasn't how we were supposed to end. We were supposed to get passed all of the bullshit, and grow old together. Moments when I tell myself that I'll regret breaking up my family. And I admit that I allow myself to give into those little moments by having myself a good cry. But then I tell myself that I'm doing what I need to do in order to protect my daughter. I'm doing the best thing that I can do in our situation, and that's what matters. So, we're going to be okay. No matter what happens next, we're going to be okay. We have an amazing support system. We have stability. And we're going to get through this.

Wordless Wednesday

School, Q-tips, & ER Visits

Emery has been doing really well. Her grades at school are awesome! Summer is almost here, and she's already got an eye on some camps she's wanting to try out. She finished up her C.C.D. classes the first weekend of May too. I'm really proud of how well she's done this year. Once school is over with she'll be staying with her babysitter, and I hope that this will help her get back into the habit of speaking Spanish. Since she's not being exposed to it for long periods of time she's started to forget a lot of it. I blame myself for this too, but here's hoping that this summer will give her a bit of a refresher of sorts. 

Now, she's doing great, and I'm glad we've gone the majority of the year without anything too major coming up. BUT at the end of April we had to take her to the emergency room. She woke up one night, around 3:30 am, screaming bloody murder. Scared the crap out of me. She said her ears were popping, burning, and hurting. I thought it might be some weird elevation thing, but after trying to get her to drink some water in order to make her ears stop popping I quickly realized it was something more. So, off we went to the ER. After an hour and a half there we were informed that she had a ruptured eardrum, and ear canal damage. Caused by her taking q-tips to her ear. So we were sent home with ear drops, and instructions to rest. 

Flash forward to her follow up appointment last week, which was set up because her ears started popping again, and we were given a few extra diagnosis's. Both of her ears had fluid in them, one was still bleeding, and her severe allergies weren't allowing them to heal. On top of that the doctor said she sounded like she had the beginning of a respiratory infection, and we were told she had asthma. So we walked out of the office with four different prescriptions, and a recommendation to switch to another over-the-counter allergy medicine. Although after talking with my brother he came to the conclusion that the doctor had no idea what the hell she was talking about. We Gamez's don't have asthma. This is where the GoodRx app came into play. And it saved me a nice chunk of change. 

Then last Thursday she came down with a stomach bug. We spent all of Thursday night, and Friday between the couch and the bathroom. I thought I had gotten lucky, but I ended up coming down with it on Saturday night. Today was the first day I felt somewhat normal. So I guess with all of the good luck we had throughout the year in regards to health we were bound to get a nice little curve-ball thrown our way. I'm glad she bounced back a lot faster than I did though. And now she's off to enjoy the last two weeks of school! 

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Currently - May

It's that time again! Time to go over the currently's for the month of May. Woot Woot! This time I'm skipping over the reading part because I honestly haven't been cracked open a book in awhile. I had plans to start that last book I had mentioned and it's just sitting there on my Kindle, but as usual life happened. I started picking up some side jobs here, and there. Helping my parents out with their flea market booth, and before I knew it May was here. I hadn't had a single chance to really get into a good book. Next month though. I promise. Anywho, let's get to it! 

Playing: So one of my all time favorite bands, HIM (seriously, I have their logo tattooed), announced that they would be bowing out of the music industry after 2018. They will be doing a farewell tour starting this summer in Europe, and then making their way stateside throughout the beginning of next year. I was devastated. I mean, these guys got me through some rough years, back in the day. And when I was pregnant with Emery I would lay on the couch, and just listen them while she danced around in my belly. Now as a somewhat adult, I play their music from time to time when I'm really having to work through some shit. So, lately I've been listening to their first full length album, Razorblade Romance. It brings back memories. Their sound is a mixture of rock, alternative, and goth. They even created their own little genre, Love Metal, and it's stuck with other bands that had a similar sound. To top it all of they're family friendly. No cursing. So I have no issues listening to this with Emery around. If you were ever into the alternative scene I recommend you guys give them a listen. If you were a fan before, how sad is it that they're saying goodbye already? 

Blog Posts: I've touched on the verbal abuse topic a bit before on here. More specifically my experience with allowing it to happen to me. I've also talked a bit about the reasons behind my separation back in 2015, and how addiction played a big part in it. How I went so long not acknowledging the signs. Or allowing myself to be made to feel horrible for who I was. Everyday. I felt guilty every day for not doing more to please my spouse. So much so that I allowed a lot of stuff that I was uncomfortable with go on. I took every hurtful word, and every action as something that I was deserving of. I've wrestled with the "why's" of my situation for a long time now. And recently, I saw a link on Facebook that the counselling center I went to posted that made a lot of sense to me. The post 5 Ways Addicts Manipulate You over on the Shekali blog shed some light as to what I had gone through. The fighting, guilt trips, and constant need for power/control are all things I experienced. And this isn't just about drug/alcohol addiction either. This can be applied to a wide spectrum of addictions that anyone might have. It was an interesting read, and it definitely made me feel less alone. 

Watching: Y'all, I have been on a crime show kick lately. In school, and even during my own counselling sessions I always expressed an interest in how people think. What makes us different from each other. How is it that we say or do certain things with one meaning, and it can be taken as the complete opposite by others. But what I really find interesting is how we are all capable of doing some pretty evil stuff. There are those who think things which I found out is pretty normal, but then there's that blurry line some cross over into actually doing those horrible things. The why's, and how they come to that tipping point have always piqued my curiosity. Now, I'm so late to this train, but a few years ago I watched an episodes of Criminal Minds. The episode I jumped into dealt with the death of a child, and it made my stomach churn. I told myself I couldn't handle it, turned it off, and went to cuddle with my little girl. Fastforward to last month and I have been watching the crap out of it while I do house work, or fold laundry. I did skip that child episode though. Now, I know this is fiction. but these writers have to reference actual psychological profiles/research. Which means some of this stuff is fact. Maybe not the cases or the people, and I can live with that. So if you haven't watched this yet I definitely think y'all should check it out. Netflix has all of the seasons, and trust me there are a lot.

Phone App: Recently we had to pay the ER a visit, and just this week we had to follow up with our Primary Care doctor. And I won't get into the whole insurance crap because honestly that's a headache on it's own. So, we had to pay for everything out of pocket. Including the medicine. Our doctor told me about GoodRx, which you can use on a desktop, mobile browser, or download from your app store. You put in your location, and then you search for the medication you are needing to buy. It brings up the lowest prices for each pharmacy in your area as well as discounts/coupons. Our medication cost went from $180, to $107. And this works even if you have insurance too. You just hand over the code to the pharmacy clerk, and they do the rest. If the cost is cheaper to get with the code they'll apply it, and if not they'll let you know. Easy peasy. Now that we know we'll be having to buy these medications more frequently this app is something we'll be using often. I know there are other similar apps out there, but this is my first time using one. It was pretty cool, and saved us over $60 so I can't complain. 

And that concludes the currently for this month. If you have any other suggestions be sure to drop me a line either on here, or other social media outlets. Links are all at the top. I'm always on the look out for new artists, films, apps, or books. Until the next post, Happy Friday!! 

Wordless Wednesday

A Little Update on Our Dogs

It's been a little over a month since Maven died. For the first few days after she passed I was second guessing my decision. Had I really tried everything? Should I have been more patient with her, or maybe looked into some classes? Draco would lay down at the door, or he'd still be a bit skiddish. Jumpy even. It wasn't until about a week after that started to change as well. But in the opposite direction than Maven. 

I guess we never saw how much Maven's behavior was really affecting our other two dogs. We had an idea, and I was always concerned about what happened when we weren't at home. Did they fight? Did Violet ever end up hurt? I hated being gone for too long because I was afraid of what could happen. Now, with Maven gone those worries were gone too. And with that, I started to see the changes in both Violet, and Draco a lot more clearly. Draco started to become more playful, and he was running around the way he did when he was a puppy. He didn't flinch, and he spent a lot of time playing with the little weenie dog. He was back to being a confident puppy. However, Violet decided she was going to start being the boss around here. She's become our little guard dog. She no longer darts straight to her crate like she used to do. And she's become the 6 lb dominate little pack leader. Which Draco has no issues rolling over for, and allowing her to dictate how they spend their time. 

So those two are doing well. It's helped me find peace in my decision to let Maven go. It's helped me to truly realize that we did do everything by the book. I made sure that we tried everything, and that's all that I could do. Our other two dogs are back to being happy, and my daughter isn't ever worried about going outside to play anymore because she knows that the dogs won't be fighting. That peace of mind made it very clear to me that it was the right thing to do. That even though I loved my dog so much, I couldn't allow her behavior to escalate. I couldn't allow her to hurt the other dogs anymore. But most importantly I couldn't allow the risk of her accidentally, or even purposefully hurting Emery. My child, and her safety came first.   

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An Evening With Kane Brown

On April 21st my sister-in-law, and I went to see Kane Brown at Billy Bob's Texas. I've lived in Texas for the majority of my life, but I have never been to the stockyards. This was my first experience at an actually country bar. Sure we've have stuff here locally, but they usually mix a little bit of everything. This was strictly country: The World's Largest Honky Tonk. They had a mechanical bull, a decent sized dance floor, two sections of pool tables, a restaurant, and a gift shop. And that was just the front part of the bar. When you passed another section of doors you had finally made your way into the "venue", and each side was lined with a bar. Now, this place is smoke free, and that includes e-cigarettes which I personally thought was awesome. They also had a section that was blocked off for adults who had younger kids with them. If I ever see another artist play there I totally won't mind taking Emery. The entire place was actually really cool.

We walked around the place, and I bought a single beer. It cost me as much as a six pack though. Now, with all of those positives I mentioned before there was bound to be a negative in here somewhere, right? Well, when we asked one of the attendants where the general admission section was, he told us we were already in it. That's right folks, the entire bar was general admission. I felt a little gypped by this because we thought we'd be going a bit lower. All other venues we've been to have had general admission on the actual floor that was sectioned off. This place had us in with everyone else that was just there for pool, and beer. It was also so far from the stage that we basically saw the entire show on a big screen that was hanging in front of us. So, if anyone from the venue or Kane Brown's people ever read this: PLAY A SHOW AT THE SOUTHSIDE BALLROOM NEXT TIME PLEASE?!

Now, once Kane Brown took the stage I just focused on having a good time. He played all of his hits, and he gave everyone a peak of his six pack. Yup, six pack. He interacted with the crowd the entire time, and even though we couldn't hear everything when the crowd started to get rowdy it was still a really fun night. Some of you may know more about this young artist than I do, but I believe he got his start thanks to a really loyal fan base. He started out by posting videos on social media that showcased his ability to play the guitar, and sing. He did a lot of covers back then, and at the show he definitely incorporated some old school country that I absolutely loved! He's grown as an artist, and I think that's really awesome to witness. I only discovered his music by chance so I can't say I've been rooting for him since the beginning. Now that I've heard his own material, and have seen him live I can only imagine that we're going to be seeing a lot more of him in this genre. So, if you're into country music, I definitely suggest you guys check Kane out.

The drive up to the venue was actually shorter than I thought it would be. We did have to drive right through a storm that had some hail, but other than that it was easy to get there. Once it was over, we narrowly missed out on a down pour too. As soon as we closed the car doors we saw a flash of lightening, and the rain just started coming down. It was pretty entertaining to see a bunch of people in high heels, and tiny dresses trying to make a run for their cars. Especially when the parking lot was across the street, and a few blocks in length. All in all, it was a great time. We hit up Whataburger on the way out, and were home way passed my bed time. It was a great night out with one of my favorite human beings though. We were able to get all dolled up, and it was a much appreciated night off. It'll be awhile before I get another one of these in, but that's okay. I'm hoping the next time I'll be able to take the little along. I just know that she'd have a blast.

Wordless Wednesday

Work Place Changes

The past few weeks I've had some issues at my place of employment. So much of it really that I was tempted to look for another job. I actually updated my resume, and put some feelers out there. Just in case. And I even went as far as telling my boss about it because I'm big on transparency. Now, I love where I work and the majority of the people I work with because they're all pretty cool. But after some recent events I just wasn't sure if I wanted to stay there when some major toxic stuff was being dished out. On the 20th I was given a nice little reality check. And the whole "keep work friendships and personal life separate" became crystal clear. Some people who I thought were my friends turned out not to be at all. With that revelation, with that lesson, I realized just how much I had trusted the wrong people. And because of that I was setting myself up to be pulled into a messy situation. So, I decided that I needed to limit what I shared with certain people, and I also needed to start looking out for myself. 

It's been an interesting change. I'm not really talking about much, and sticking strictly to only work related subjects. I work in a small office so usually work talk is the last thing on anyone's mind. It's hard to not have someone else insert themselves into whatever you're going through, and then give you their opinion of what you should do when you work in this kind of environment. It was also kind of sad to me that this is what it comes down to. That some people you might interact with on a daily basis will use whatever they can to put you down in order to lift themselves up. So, last week I spoke with the owner, my boss, and the supervisor about how I was tired of the drama. The bullying. I told them that I wanted to be treated with respect, and if that was considered an unreasonable request then I would hand over my two weeks notice on the spot. Because I was an adult, and I deserved to be treated like one. Once I walked out of those meetings I made the personal decision to just keep my work/personal life separate. I won't talk about my daughter, my home life, or what we've been up to. I won't ask about anyone else's personal life either.

Now, my blog posts were becoming a bit more consistent. I was writing at night, proof reading on my break/lunch time, and then posting/scheduling for a later date. But that system is about to change now due to the issues at work. I just wanted to warn y'all ahead of time that it'll be a bit before I get a good schedule down. I apologize in advance. But that's it for now. I just wanted to let y'all in on a little bit of what's been going on, and why I may be a bit sporadic the next few days/weeks.