Happy Birthday Melissa!!

I have had Melissa in my life since elementary school. We have had some great times, some drunk times, some angry (I hate you bitch) times. But we always ended up back “together”. Better friends than ever. We live in two completely different cities (and at one point states), but we always found time to catch up. Always found time to get together, have dinner or lunch, and just talk. She has been a rock for me during some of my roughest times, and someone that I could vent to when I wanted to strangle my husband. I wouldn’t trade any of our time together for the world. She’s one of my besties, and in so many ways a sister. I wasn’t able to get her card to her along with this letter by today, so I decided I’d post it, instead. Love you Mel, and I hope you have an awesome day!!

Melissa,

So, we are now 23 year olds. How the hell did that happen? Seriously, it seems like just yesterday we were 13, all bent out of shape over “boy” friend drama. –AKA- Which Ballard brother was worthy of our time. Trying to convince our parents to let us go to the Jr. High dance after the game! LOL! And it seems like just last night, we were drunk as hell trying to figure out what line we could pull on our parents (that wouldn’t give away our drunkenness) just so we could spend a few more hours at the 144.

–sigh-

Good times! But today, we are “grownups” (whatever the hell that means). And you are officially 23 (we’re getting old, bitch)!! But take a breath (a step back) and really look at us. Grown up and all. Sure, we didn’t turn out as we had planned (but honestly three husbands would have been A LOT of work), and we aren’t all rich and famous. But you’re still Melissa and I’m still Raquel. We’re still friends, despite all the distance and totally different lives! We STILL keep coming back and catching up; never forgetting each other. And deep down inside we’re still those two girls that had sleep over’s and stayed up talking about how hot JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE is was. And I wouldn’t want to share those memories with anyone else but you!  ((awwwwwww!! Yea, go ahead, you can say it))

Now, I’m married (DON’T DO IT!), with my own little monster that I will eventually have to worry about (ESPECIALLY if she’s anything like us), and barely trying to go back to school! And you are about to graduate, and start on your own career. You’ll probably meet a MAN (boy) that is finally just as crazy as you are, and you’ll get married (yeah, even after I warned you against it, lol!)! You’ll make babies and probably name one Jose or something really Mexican like that (jk!). And you’ll definitely wear the pants in the relationship. Yes, that will probably happen in the near future. But lets not rush it ok? Because like I said before, I am married, so I must live the single life vigorously through you!! So tonight, go get hammered and have wild crazy sex with a stranger! Call me in the morning and don’t leave out any of the details!! LOL! Hope you have a wonderful birthday!! I love you, my BFF. And here’s to many more birthdays to come!!  

Love, 

Raquel

p/s I know twenty three isn’t a number we were hoping to get to this quickly (like 21 was). But don’t get all down in the dumps. It could be a lot worse. You could look like Snooki, and that skag is ORANGE.

Taking Charge; Moving On

I am being set up to fail. Anytime I think of something or come up with an idea it is taken from me or cast aside. Someone else takes the credit, and I’m left there with my jaw on the floor. Do you know how annoying that is? This place is filled with such worldly, materialistic, vain women and I find myself holding my tongue A LOT. Do you know how hard that is for me? Do you?? I was, am a very blunt person. If I think you’re an asshole, I’d let you know. I’m not a fake and it drives me crazy when people are. If you don’t like someone, then don’t like them. But be honest about it. Don’t talk shit behind their backs and then be all besties when they’re around. I’m no angel, and I talk shit sometimes, BUT I am not one to do it behind your back. I’ll tell it to your face if you’re around. If you ever come up amongst friends or in a conversation, I’m not about to pretend that I like you either. This applies to everyone in my life.

So yesterday when a co-worker (a friend) of mine quit because she was tired of being used as a rug, and tired of people bullying her, I was there for full support. But I was ashamed of myself because when the owner told our manager of this news, immediately after he walked out, she called over her “lap dog” and told her of the news and they laughed. Laughed! This is what they wanted all along. For her to leave and they were getting just that. I said nothing. I sat there and watched. I did not partake, but I should have been the ballsy, blunt, bitch of my youth and at least told them to fuck off or shut up. But I was a coward. I am in no position to risk my job right now and that’s what I am worried about losing. My friend has another job already, so she said what was on her mind and that was that. Until I get that same opportunity, I can’t say too much or I’ll get fired. But do hear me when I say this, If any shit talking occurs at HER expense today, you can bet your sweet ass that I will stick up for her. This has gone on long enough.

This morning, my mother let them know her opinion on the matter. And I just agreed with everything she said. I should have put my two cents in but I didn’t. She pretty much covered it all. The big boss lady is now fuming and accusing my mom of judging her. And maybe she was? But, my mom has a tendency, like me, to call it as she sees it (at the workplace anyway). Of course, her two little minions stood up for her and said that she was such a fair boss and that being the manager she couldn’t always be our friend. She has to make decisions that not everyone will like, which is true. But, you have to be EQUAL with all of your employees. And her two favorite kiss asses have not ever been on the other side of the fence. Why? Well, because she likes them. For example: when her “lap dog’s” horse died, she let her take the day off. When a service tech’s wife was going to have surgery because she had a tumor in her stomach and he asked off she said: “Well, we all have our problems.” He had to come to work. Or, whenever I got griped at for texting my husband AFTER HOURS, but she’ll let the lab technician ANSWER her phone whenever she wants. I’ve been here THREE years this next February, and I am being passed up for promotions. The part-timer gets an even bigger office than what she already has, next week. Everyone here is making at least double-digit pay, except me. If I do something wrong or mess up, I get told that I need to learn and fix it on my own. When her little minions screw up, SHE fixes it for them. And the list could go on and on because I have so many things I’ve seen and had done to me, all day!  

This is NOT a good workplace. And I know that my friend had a hard time leaving because it means uncertainty and because she has to start over. But, the only things keeping me here are insurance, an income, and my daughter. I suck it up for my family. Not for too much longer though. After the way they treated my friend, and after being “kicked” around myself, I officially registered for classes yesterday at Weatherford College. This Thursday I have to turn in my financial aid stuff, and I’ve decided to try and get into the “Dental Assistant” program. It takes 6-9 months, and I come out certified! Ready to jump into a career and if I ever decide to take on being a dentist, I get points for completing that program. So I wouldn’t have to retake the course!!

So here’s to change. Here’s to living MY life. Here’s to getting out of this shit hole. And here’s to leaving behind all the bullshit (and assholes) right along with it!!

Now What?

I’m frustrated. My parents (by that I mean my mother) want us to stay here.

You need to go to school here. 

You need to graduate here. 

Y'all need to find a house here. 

Y'all need to live here.

You won’t find anything in California.

With the plans Beau wanted to make, I knew that we couldn’t move anywhere until I got an education. But all these damn continuing ed classes have so many damn requirements (half of which take at least 3 months to complete). And if I went into a medical or pharmaceutical field, I’d have to retake a course if I ever moved out of state. ????  Doesn’t that completely cancel out the purpose of me taking the classes here? All the money spent, just to have to RETAKE it in another state? My GOD.

Beau’s job offer won’t be there forever. And that’s such a huge move with nothing. No money. Ugh, and now my mom is nagging at me because she thinks we need to stay here. You just shouldn’t move anywhere. No one could take care of Emery like family. You don’t have anyone you trust in California to take care of her and daycares are awful. But I can’t live right next door to her forever. At some point, we’ll have to leave (for my sanities sake). At some point, both Beau and I will be working and daycare or a babysitter will be a must. It’s going to happen at some point.

Right now, I’m just not sure what I want to do with my life. I have no idea which direction to go in, and I am completely frustrated about it. I am confused as to what to do. I’m frustrated at work. I have no desire to be there. But right now there is nothing else for me? No other jobs are coming up, and they keep feeding my dad lines on when they’ll be able to hire me at FMC. They told Beau to go apply at Square One last Friday and he did. We still haven’t heard back from them. The roofing company he was with hasn’t heard back from any of the bids so there’s no work for them right now. And I am negative in our account again. Money management really isn’t the problem either; it’s trying to live off of $400 checks (every two weeks). Sometimes, I have to overdraft in order to afford diapers or formula. Don’t judge me.

So now what? What do I do? Where do I go? And how do I get there? I have no idea. I wish I could get some kind of a sign.

p/s  After we went for a run this afternoon,

I opened the freezer to get some chicken, and

I noticed that MY bottle of jager was pretty much empty.

My husband decided he was going to drink my booze without telling me.

What a jerk!! I'm a pissed off about it.

Oh, For Crying Out Loud!

Good, LORD.

You know…the minute I feel like I have a sense of direction in my life. Something comes straight out of NOWHERE and really messes with me. I hate it.

As you read in my last post, I am all “Ready, Set, Go!” on college (or a certification program) depending on which would be cheaper and quicker. I emailed an advisor director and he asked me to either go up to the school or email the admissions office and talk to an admissions advisor about my particular situation. That is my next step.

So last night, after we (Emery, my mother, and I) get home from the Aglow meeting, I find my husband beaming. He’s on the phone with a friend of ours back in California, and I can tell he’s been making plans. He also looks like he hit MY bottle of Jager. Sure enough, after he gets off the phone with our friend he starts spitting up word vomit. I had to make him pause, breathe, and speak slower. And this is what I got:

“Scott said that he has work and it’s starting to pick up and get steady again! He said that in a few months he could probably hire me back if I want the job. And Price said that he’ll talk to him and maybe see if he can get me back on sooner! Then Price and I will find ourselves an apartment and after a month we’ll send for you and EMERY! Having a roommate is going to help us out so much with bills. Isn’t that great? Getting to be back in California? It’s gunna be great!!”

Pause…

Longer pause….

Oh man. What the crap?!? YOU CAN NOT DO THAT!! We are a FAMILY. That means you talk to ME before making life-changing decisions, damn it!! You do NOT make plans without consulting with me first. Ugh! Why do men not get that? Why must they jump head first without looking, ALL of the time? I mean, really?! Needless to say, I rained on his parade. When he saw the look on my face he asked:

“What? What’s wrong? Why aren’t you excited?”

Oh…my…GOD! Excited? Why the HELL would I be excited?!? Oooh, That totally sent me off the edge, inside. I was completely calm on the outside though. I smiled and politely said:

“Babe, we’ll discuss this later, ok?”

Later came, and by that point, I had all the reasons as to why this wasn’t the best idea right now all organized in my head. My husband was completely in “pouty- baby” mode. He tried coming up with answers to every point that I was making. But in the end, he realized that maybe I really did have a point. I wasn’t just trying to flat out say no.

• We agreed that I’d go back to school so that I could get a better job with more money. Something that I can fall back on, so WE can have a better life. I need to be able to do that before we do anything or go anywhere.

• We have no working car at the moment, and it’ll be a while before we get the one we do have fixed and running (IF they can even fix it). We need a vehicle if we’re going to go anywhere.

• You still have no license, and you have to prove residency in a DIFFERENT STATE before they will cancel yours in California so you can get one in Texas. If you do not cancel it, you will have to do 3 months worth of classes in California, $100 apiece, before you can get a license there again.

• We still have a lot of money that we owe for tickets, lawyers, and bills here in Texas that we need to take care of before up and leaving.

• We have to have money to move. Our furniture, clothes, and pets will not go by themselves. U-hauls cost money. Gas costs money.

• We’ve done the roommate thing several times. And yes, it helps to NOT have to pay bills on your own, but we have a child now. There cannot be any partying, or drugs at our home. We have to be responsible. And as much as I love our friend, he likes to party. And with it being his house as well, he’ll probably find it very unfair that he can’t continue to hold parties at a place that he is helping pay for.

• Daycare is EXPENSIVE over there. WE have to plan on that because we don’t have anyone (that we know and trust) that will take care of her for $60 a week.

• We need to look at the economy. We need to look at the jobs. We can’t just go because we want to we have to have a plan. We have to have money and a stable place to live.

I miss Cali just as much as he does. I miss the ocean, and I miss the friends I made there. I miss the palm trees, and I miss being on our own. Kim says I miss the “idea” of California but that’s not really it. I miss that place because we had family there, and we had friends. We know our way around. But in all honesty, any place close to the Ocean would do.

This is a huge decision. We can’t go into this like before, with no money and just living paycheck to paycheck. When it was just Beau and me, well, we could live with Ramen Noodles, and the water or electricity getting turned off for a few days (not that it ever happened). But now, we have to PLAN and we have to save money. We have to think of this RESPONSIBLY, because it’s not just us two anymore. It’s us three. And I will not make a move, that far away, with no place to live and no job (for the both of us). It’s completely out of the question.

So now I need to figure out if this move is serious? If it is, do I need to go to school there? Do we wait and let me start and finish here? Do we even move? With the economy the way it is, would it be a smart move? How would our lives change if we did? Would it be healthy for Emery? Would it be better for all of us?

And a NEW plan begins….?

Back To School, I Think?

Lately, things at work have been pretty awful. And it was confirmed that I am the LOWEST paid employee. Then, a co-worker of mine said he was officially going back to college. He said “Raquel, if I can go back, so can you.” And this got me thinking. I do need to go back to school. I need to have a career, or at least get certified in something so that I can make a better living for my family and myself. So, I started looking at schools in my area because being a full-time worker, and a MOTHER leaves me with some obstacles. I want to be able to do some if not most of my schooling ONLINE. Ranger seemed like the obvious choice but you can’t do your basics online. Then Weatherford College was suggested. They have more classes online, and they have more of a selection in certified programs. So, I’m looking into both. Wish me luck!!

I want to get something as quickly as I can because lately, we’ve been talking about our future. Where we want to live. Where we want to go. How we’d like to raise Emery. And all of these topics involve us moving somewhere. Not sure where yet, but we both want to get out of here. We want to start fresh. Really start our lives in a place that is healthy, and stable for all of us. Yes, we have talked about going back to California as well, but we’ve both agreed that right now would not be a good time to go in that direction (permanently). There are no jobs out there right now, and with neither one of us having anything besides a high school diploma, we really wouldn’t have a lot of job options anyways. I would love to go somewhere new. Somewhere that has all the seasons! Or somewhere close to a beach. I love the smell of the ocean. I miss it.

Other than that, not much has been new. I’ve been busy trying to get into a work out routine, and my husband has even joined me. I want/need to lose some weight. So by the time we’re done I’m tired and ready to fall into bed, and pass out. I’ve also been trying to focus as much on Emery as I can. She’s pulling herself up now, and she has even stood up (balanced) by herself for a few seconds. Plus with the teething kicking in, she’s been a tad bit grumpy and edgy. Demanding our full attention at all times. But, I can’t complain. Seeing her grow has been an amazing thing. 

16 Things I'd Tell My 16 Year Old Self

Not the most important things, and I just wrote whatever popped into my head at that very moment (not a lot of thought went into it). So don't take this too seriously. Also, this is not in any particular order.

•  Bills Suck. No really, they do.
• Working for money, is SOOO not what it's made out to be.
• Cars cost money. Lots and Lots of money. Wrecking them costs even more.
• Credit cards are bad.
• Life really is UNFAIR
• When you're in California, at the pool hall, and you and some friends decide you want to go smoke and drink outside. DON'T! If you do, lots of money and a drivers license will be taken away.  
• Pregnancy is not all "sun kissed glow", and fun times. You'll look like shit 80% of the time.  
• Child birth HURTS, but you do forget the pain, so don't stress .
•  NEVER stop exercising, YOU WILL REGRET IT IF YOU DO!
• WAIT, don't be in a hurry to grow up, it's not what it's all cracked up to be!
• Daddy, will eventually stop paying for things.
• Go to college.
• Don't date guys you think you can fix. It gets messy (and M.U. cheats on you anyways). 
• Friends WILL eventually replace you, so stop acting like they're your whole life.
• Never take Beau out of California.
• Never take the job offer at Vet Outlet (seriously, STAY AWAY!!).

Now your turn. What would you, tell you're16-year-old self?

Reality

I need to win a couple million dollars so I don't ever have to work again. I need it so I can also pay off all of our debt/bills, have another baby, have the surgery to shrink my tummy and get rid of the stretch marks AFTER I've had the baby, buy a house, buy us another car, be a stay at home mommy, be able to homeschool my little ones (or maybe send to a private school?), and finally to pay for their college education.

That is what I want.

Unfortunately, I will never win that money.

Unfortunately, I will spend a good amount of the money we earn paying off our debt instead of putting it away for EMERY'S college (and future car).

Unfortunately, I will have to work for the rest of my life.

Unfortunately, I will probably have to send Emery to public school.

Unfortunately, we'll have to depend on scholarships to help us get Emery into/through college.

Unfortunately, I will be driving around the explorer until it breaks down.

Unfortunately, I will never get that surgery, and my stretch marks will continue to laugh in my face.  

That is reality.

The point of this?

Just to let you know my reality kind of sucks right now.

I'm in a downer mood, and I feel the need to share.