Journal Writing Prompt // Stress

Prompt: What is currently causing you stress?

Everything, if I’m being honest. Bills, home life, work, and feeling stuck. Right now, our finances are not the greatest. We had some setbacks in January and February when my husband wasn’t able to work. And while he’s back to working now, for a different company, we have yet to be able to catch up. And because of that, our credit card debt, which had previously been paid off, is back up. And if you know me, you know I hate debt. However, what else can we do when we need a credit card to cover bills and groceries?

To add to our stressors, my husband and his friend are starting their own construction company. This means a lot of work from all parties, including myself. Realistically, the first year or two will not produce any major profits. In fact, we may have to put money into it. And while I am trying to think of the long term, it can be hard to see the bigger picture when we’re struggling enough as it is. That said, this is an opportunity and dream that my husband has had for a while now, so I plan to contribute in whatever way I can to make this a reality.

Work has been on this rollercoaster lately. Some questionable things have recently come to light and made me feel uncomfortable. On more than one occasion I’ve been asked to come up with solutions that allow others to “skirt around policy.” There has also been an increase in toxicity lately, and some of it is spearheaded by leaders. There have been instances that I’ve wanted to speak up, and on occasion I have. Only it’s met with, “You don’t want to get caught on the wrong side of this.” And well, I need my job.

Now, don’t get me wrong, this is just a blip. My job and workplace haven’t always been like this. It’s a very recent development that was triggered by new internal changes. And some power struggles. I hope that with time, and some upcoming leadership changes, things will start to smooth out. Still, it doesn’t lessen the stress while dealing with it.

And finally, I’ve been feeling stuck. At the moment, I have really great benefits. The trade-off is that the pay is not ideal. Even though I’m making more than I did at my previous place of employment. And well, I’m tempted to start looking for another job because we could really use an increase in income. Plus, my student loans have kicked in, and well, I feel really bad about working so hard for a degree that I’m not even getting a decent amount of income by using it. Does that make sense? And so, I feel stuck. On the one hand, I have great benefits. On the other, pay is lacking. So, what do I do? I’m not entirely sure. I've been praying for some guidance and direction. I've been praying for doors to open or expenses to be reduced. While I know things could be a lot worse, and I'm grateful that they are not, my stress levels have been on another level lately.

Writing Prompt // Stars

Write about the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word "stars".

Just like the ocean, the night sky has this weirdly incredible effect on me. On how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking. It’s like I’m floating every time I look up at it and I find myself tempted to grab ahold of something in order to ground myself. I want to ask everyone around me, “Do you feel that too? That pull? Do you feel it?” And I always have this urge to hold someone’s hand. To seek out someone’s touch, their comfort, and then watch as the sky gradually lightens. Changing from black to purple to pink to orange to blue. I want them to feel that thing. That indescribable, almost overwhelming, rush of pure emotion. To be fully aware of every breath. I want them to see the stars and the endless possibilities that they can represent. I want them to feel that same lightness in their chest that I feel in mine. I want them to experience that love - love, for everyone around them at that moment. To find peace in the stillness. And I want them to have that immense feeling  of joy wash over them the same way that I do.  

Someone softly exclaimed, “Look at all of the stars,” as the porch light was turned off. It was pretty hot outside that night. Even at 9pm when the sun was completely gone. It had been a long day filled with family and friends. A last-minute trip and a lot of laughs. Tired from the adventures of the day, but not yet ready for it to come to an end, I walked several feet out into the yard and looked up. Constellations with no names, a moon that seemed to touch the tops of trees, and stars that flickered brightly. “I wonder what that one is…?” I questioned out loud as I pointed at the brightest speck of light that I could see. I immediately started searching for Orion's belt, the north star, and the big dipper. With a bit of confusion as to which direction they would be in I realized at that moment that it had been some time since I had truly looked up. Since I had sat down to appreciate just how small I was compared to the universe. Every night there’s this amazing mixture of color that covers the entire sky. A black, blue, and purple blanket with what looks like silver glitter that’s been scattered out across it. But it stretches on and on forever. Some of the sparkles fade while others get brighter. Some of them fall and then disappear without a trace. Almost as if they had never existed in the first place. It's the cycle of life playing out in the stars.  

That night, as I made my way over to a clearing in a field nearby, I felt perfectly happy. I swayed and twirled around; arms outstretched. When I finally stopped spinning I closed my eyes with a giggle. "I want to feel like this more often," I thought to myself. As I took in a deep breath, steadying myself, I could hear footsteps heading in my direction. They slowly came to a stop in front of me and I immediately caught the scent of eucalyptus and mint. “You look really happy right now,” the voice quietly stated. “It’s that pull you're always talking about, isn’t it?” they asked. I grinned as I nodded in response. Tilting my head back I slowly let out the breath I had been holding and began to open my eyes. As I finally brought my gaze back down I felt slightly different. A new perspective racing through my thoughts. And then there they were, those same stars I had seen up in the sky, shining brightly back at me. Making me feel grounded and weightless all at once. I slowly started to back away, and with a smile spreading across my face, I quietly whispered, “Now do you see what I mean?”

📸by Sleep Music on Unsplash

Writing Prompt // Lesson

Write about someone that's taught you something recently.

Let your friends be a part of your team right now. Let them cook for you, bring you food, take you to movies, invite you over on Friday nights to watch Netflix, provide you a shoulder to cry on, hug you, and love you. - Traver Boehm, Today I Rise

I have someone in my life who unexpectedly became a pretty good friend of mine. There’s this sense of calmness when he’s around that I rarely get with other people which is nice. We’re pretty comfortable in each other’s company. He’s seen me on some of my worst day, y’all. I never feel like like I have to have all of my shit together when we hang out either. What I really enjoy about our friendship though is that we can spend our time hanging out and having a conversation, or we can spend it in complete silence. And I don’t feel this need to fill that silence up with anything at all. People have recently pointed out that some of this can easily be seen as very “couple like” things and I’d be lying if I said that I hadn’t thought the same thing a few times myself. But that’s not exactly the word I would choose to describe us. Our friendship just doesn’t fit into a neat little box no matter how hard I've tried to put it into one in the past. And believe me I really, really tried. There was even a small window of time when I told myself that I needed to end our friendship because he threw me WAY off balance, and I didn’t need that in my life. 

But you know what? I don’t think there’s ever going to be a way for me to backtrack my way out of this. Or that I’d even want to if I could. Because we aren’t a couple and we aren’t dating, but we’re there for each other. He’s sat next to me, patiently listening, as I talked about my fear of being alone and how heartbroken I felt at how easily B was able to replace me in his life. He’s seen me ugly cry, heard me say some not-so-nice things out loud, and doesn’t hold it against me. “It’s shitty. I get it.” He’s even sat through four back-to-back Hallmark movies and actually discussed them with me. Yes, I know that makes him a real trooper. And even when he thinks that I’m being ridiculous for asking him to “pinky promise” when he says he’ll do something he still offers up his pinky because he knows that it’s weirdly important to me. Gotta love those trust issues, right? He brings me chocolate on those really, really, low days. And surprisingly, for two people who tend to look like they’re pissed off all of the time, there’s a lot of smiling and laughter. Sure, sometimes it's over some really morbid shit but most of the time it's over some normal fun stuff. Now, I do my best to reciprocate what’s being given to me. When he needs to talk things out I listen. When he asks for my advice I do my best to give it. When he needs to get away from the noise in his head my door is always open. I recently sat through the John Wick movie and quizzed him every few minutes on it. If you’ve seen it, you know about the dog scene, and if you know me at all then you know this makes ME a trooper too. When he starts to get discouraged I make him revisit his goals and plans for the future. Letting him know that he's doing a really great job. When he calls in the middle of the night asking if he can crash on the couch for whatever reason he has I set out a blanket and pillow. "Just make sure to lock the door when you get in, okay?" And when I think back to how or when we met I honestly can't remember, which is pretty unusual for me. But it just feels like he's always been right here.

So, I don’t see our relationship as something romantic or platonic. There's just me and him. It’s almost like he was placed in my life to remind me that there are people out there who can care about you without having ulterior motives. People who won't lie or hurt you. He's reminded me that there are still people out there who won’t expect or demand that I give anything more or less than what I'm willing to offer. There’s no pressure to be something more or less than what I am, and that in turn gives me this freedom to be unapologetically myself. And that's why I really like having him in my life. Because sometimes you just need that one person who gets that you're a little messed up, that you're seriously hurting, and they don't allow it to phase them at all. They still show up. They're here to teach us that no matter how shitty we see ourselves sometimes, we're still worth someone's time and attention. 

“Hey! Take a selfie with me.” No.  ///  “C’mon! Pretty please??” No.  ///  “Ugh! Quit being so damn difficult. Just smile so I can take the picture.” You know, you’re kind of a brat.  ///  “Yes. Yes, I am. Now, say cheese!”

Writing Prompt // Good Morning

Write about the first thing you see in the morning.

The first thing I see when I wake up is nothing. I’m practically blind without my contacts/glasses. So, I take a few heartbeats to just lay there and breathe. Emery is usually nestled into my side. I often complain that she needs to start sleeping in her own bed because she rolls so much. She’s also nine. I get smacked or kicked at least three times during the night. And even though I have a king size bed I always end up with only 10” of space. But if I’m being honest, I’ll probably cry when she finally agrees with me on sleeping in her own room. I already have a hard time sleeping as it is, and it just gets worse when I’m alone in my bed. As crazy as it may seem, there’s a lot of comfort in knowing that she’s right next to me. She runs hot so I can usually feel her body heat. I can hear her breathing. Sometimes she lets out these little snores, or she talks in her sleep. Softly, almost a whisper. I take that feeling of security, safety, and hold onto it for a few minutes.

I can normally tell that the room isn’t as dark as a few hours before, and I can hear Violet whining to be let out of her crate. I reach over onto my side drawer to grab my glasses. With a yawn, I put them on. I can see the soft glow of the hall nightlight. I hear Draco snoring loudly in the living room. My curtains are a light grey, and even though the sun hasn’t come up very far I can tell that it will be soon. “Alright little, it’s time to get up,” I say out loud. “Five more minutes,” she mumbles back as she rolls over. Taking the comforter with her. I sit up and swing my legs off the bed. Sighing I close my eyes. There’s a battle going on inside of my head. A part of me wants to get back into bed, snuggle up, and go back to sleep. The other part of me says there are bills to pay and mouths to feed. So, I open up my eyes again, and after a few blinks, I read the canvas on my wall. I re-read it. Violet’s whining gets louder, and I can hear Draco finally waking up. Stretching, and then his nails on the floor. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick Tick. 

I look back over my shoulder at Emery. Wishing I could be that little again. When the only thing on your mind at 6 AM was whether or not your mom was going to give you that extra five minutes. Ten if you were really lucky. And then I lift myself up, a greyish tint is covering the room, and I shuffle to find my sliders. I slowly make my way to Violet, and let her out. Opening the back door I shuffle the dogs out. “C’ mon guys. Outside.” I can see the dark green grass as I lean against the door. One neighbor has their kitchen light on and the other is being picked up by their co-worker. It smells like morning and wet earth. Everything outside is still relatively quiet and our neighborhood hasn't fully woken up yet. And this is probably my favorite time of the day. Normally, I rush through all of this. Always running late; always in a hurry. But then there are days when I pay attention. When I take it all in and soak it up. I give thanks for another morning. Then I close the door on that stillness and open the one full of chaos. 

Writing Prompt // The Word “Hope”

Write a post inspired by this word: Hope

A few nights ago I was sitting in my living room when this song came on. That’s right, some 2005 screamo nostalgia for ya. So, what did I do, you ask? Well, I started looking through old photo albums. Yup, that’s where I fucked up, y’all. And I started to remember the winter break that Beau came to Texas from California. The same winter break that I took a leap of faith. I followed what I wanted, not what everyone else wanted for me. The winter break that he left, but not before taking my face in his hands and saying “This is going to happen. We are going to happen.” He kissed my forehead and slung his backpack over his shoulder as that song played through the car speakers. And I watched him walk away. Sunglasses on to hide the bloodshot eyes from crying, and one last look back before crossing through security. That was the winter break that changed all of my plans. By that next Spring Break, I was on a plane for a week-long visit. By the end of May, I was packing up my stuff and making my first move ever, over to the West Coast.

And the rest is history as they say. That night, I sat there looking through albums and videos. Remembering my first car ride on Jefferson, with butterflies in my stomach, as Beau held my hand. Trips to the beach. Sampson Simpson. The wild night with two friends at a bar. The really wild night that I got insanely drunk, pissed off, and walked through our living room in just my underwear. For all of our roommates to witness. I still don’t know why I thought that was a good idea? I remember the car rides through the vineyards at sunset. How Beau would take me down the winding roads after dark when I got homesick because it smelled like rain as the vines were being watered. He knew that rain always reminded me of Texas. I remember that weekend at the river when I did the bravest thing I had ever done at that point in my life. Climbing up onto a cliff, Beau clasping my hand as he counted down, and then we jumped. Together. A year later we moved back to Texas. Memories of our wedding. The live shows and friends. Our daughter’s birth. And different jobs. A trip to the zoo, and a visit to California. To introduce Emery to the reason we chose her name. Preschool and kindergarten graduation. Staycations in the city. Trips to the park and carnivals every year. With every page turned a different memory would come forward. Even some of the really bad ones. I laughed and cried that night. Only this time, it wasn’t bad. It wasn’t devastating to revisit all of those moments.

Sometimes I find myself missing the old “him”. Those big beautiful eyes, and full lips that were always smiling. I miss listening to him play the drums or strumming away on a guitar as I read a book on the couch. I miss seeing his face light up when he would start talking about music. I miss late night trips to Del Taco that he’d insist we go on because chicken tacos at midnight were always the best kind. I miss hearing him laugh. The real genuine one that came from his belly. I miss hearing him talk about what he wanted his future to look like. His hopes and dreams. I miss the two kids who were so in love that they couldn’t be in the same space without touching. I miss the rooftop conversations. I miss watching him and Emery play in the front yard. As she got older, watching them bond over music and art. I miss the days when he was happy, you know? I miss the “him” before drugs, resentment, and anger took over. Before the lies began to stack up and our relationship started to fracture. I miss the person who wasn’t so hurt and pissed off at the world. At me. Every now and then, if I’m lucky, I get to see that person for a few moments. And it gives me hope that one day he’ll be back. Because I know he’s in there somewhere. Until then, I have the memories. I have our stories. I can always look back on them with fondness, and smile. Because even with all of the bad there was still plenty of good that came from us. And even though we’ve both changed so much since then we still have fragments of who we once were inside. They come out to play for brief moments of time. They’ve contributed to creating who we are today after all. 

Secretly, I’d like to think that those two kids are still out there somewhere. Singing at the top of their lungs, holding hands, and loving each other fiercely. Heading out to shows, kid(s) in tow, showing them just how much music means to them. How it could heal, and make you feel whole. I'd like to think that they're still out there clasping hands as they jump off of cliffs, and going on as many adventures as they can imagine. I’d like to think that they took a different path, and made better decisions. That they were able to work through any issues that arose in a positive way. I'd like to think that they were gentle with each other and open about what they felt. What they needed. I hope they’re both healthy, and that their dreams came true. I hope they have the family that they always wanted, and I hope they’re happy. I hope they’re so fucking happy. Because they deserve it.

We all deserve it. 

Reminder - Breathe

It's a new month, y'all! And thankfully, it's Friday. This weekend will probably be one of the last semi-free ones we get for a while. I still have some housework to do around here, and hopefully, an odd job with my dad will come up soon because we could use some extra money. We'll be attempting to get school supplies this weekend as well, and I'm praying that they have everything at one single store. Last year we had to grab things from three different locations over the course of a week because they kept running out. We're also hoping to take a last minute trip to New Mexico with my family before the little starts school. My brother wants to hike/summit Wheeler Peak and of course, it wouldn't be a memorable trip unless the entire family joined in. And finally, I'm not exactly sure if we're going to fit in one last summer camp next week, or just save the money for after-school lessons the little wants to take this year. Do y'all know how expensive it is to just get started with gymnastics?! I mean, damn does that cost a pretty penny...

All of that said I feel like August is going to be a very busy month. And a pretty expensive one too. As soon as I started to calculate costs for everything that would need to be paid this month all of these negative thoughts started racing around in my mind. I almost had a bit of an anxiety attack as I sat in my cubicle. How was I going to pay for all of this? We only have three weeks left before school starts. I started to dwell on my shortcomings, and that led me to feel really overwhelmed. I was almost on the brink of tears as I thought about what I was going to do. What I would need to sacrifice yet again just to swing everything. And that's the moment I realized I needed to take a step back, and just breathe. Deep, even breaths. After about five minutes I slowly started coming down off of the ledge. I refused to let all of the negative take over. And I didn't want to start off a new day, or a new month with a panic attack. 

So today, I just wanted to remind you to breathe. Whatever you're going through right now just take a few minutes to breathe. If you're having a rough time, or a bad day remember that it's not forever. If you suffer from anxiety, or panic attacks try some of these coping techniques listed in this article. If you don't suffer from anything at all, and the day is all sunshine and rainbows for ya well you can still remember to breathe. Or maybe reach out to someone you know that's having a hard time, or that you know deals with a mental illness. Sometimes just being there is help enough. If it's a normal day for you then maybe take a few minutes to appreciate the balance you have. Do something nice for someone, or donate a few dollars towards your local supermarket's charity of the month. But overall remember that everything is going to be okay, and even on the worst day you can find something to be grateful for if you really look. So, breathe. Slow, even breaths. You've got this, and YOU will be okay. Now go out and seize the day or some shit...

📷: Found through a Google search. No idea who made it.

Fear and Change// A Writing Prompt

When I start to feel myself gravitating towards anything negative I usually look up Trent Shelton. For some reason his words often bring me a tiny bit of peace. Sometimes I find that this guy can string along sentences that I've been feeling better than I ever could. Reading through his feed can help me get back into a positive headspace. And there are a few of his quotes that serve as a reminder, or validation of what my counselor tells me at each of our sessions. That the only things I can truly control are my OWN actions/reactions. I'm responsible only for how I choose to live, and what I allow to be brought into my life. And lately, I’ve been really examining what I need and what I want. I question why I put myself through certain things if they are not giving me something in return? I know that might sound selfish, but bear with me.

Are we meant to just go through life with struggles, be slaves to our jobs, barely get by, and then just wait for the end? Some people out there live with monotonous routines, stay at jobs that make them miserable, continue in relationships that should end, and live life paycheck to paycheck. Struggling. Feeling unhappy, and uncertain. I’m not saying that these are all necessarily bad things either. Sometimes a struggle can lead to some pretty epic things. I, myself, see several of those labels that I could attach to my current state of living. Whether it’s out of financial necessity, fear, or down right stubbornness it becomes really hard to get out of that hole though. Eventually it becomes so second nature to us that we don’t realize we could easily break away from those habits. Doing so could set off a whole chain reaction of positive possibilities. So, at my last counseling session one of the main lines that came to mind repeatedly for me was: “What am I doing this for?”

I feel that as time moves forward we should all be growing. Maturing. Creating. Learning. Finding out what really brings us happiness. We should be able to look at what we do, and know in our hearts that it’s for a reason. And that reason should be one that we feel comfortable with, or just enjoy. I understand that some of the "day to day" is just because, well life,  and there’s no getting around that. I’m also not naïve enough to think that everything is sunshine and rainbows either. There is struggle, there is pain, the real world, and there will be days when life just kicks our asses. But what about the things in life we do, which could easily be changed, by asking ourselves“is this something that will make me happy?” I’ve realized recently that there have been choices I’ve made, that if I had really observed what I had been doing, I would see that it wasn't something good. That I was NOT okay with the path these choices were sending me on. That I didn’t feel like certain people I had allowed into my life were helping to lift me up. That I didn’t want a life dictated by my income or lack of. That I should listen to my gut instinct for what it was trying to tell me: Change. Be happy. Wake UP! DO something. Anything! Just stop letting things or people hinder your growth. 

Sometimes this can seem overwhelming. I get that. Change of any kind can be jarring. It can make you uncomfortable. It can cause us to see things differently. We might not even like what’s on the other side. In my case, I learned that I still continue to let stuff happen around me that I don’t like out of fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of change. Fear of loneliness. Fear of not living up to expectations, and the fear of missing out. No question, there is a lot of fear in my heart. When was it placed there? I have no idea. When will I find the courage to remove it? Your guess is as good as mine. Looking at that admission, and I’m not really sure which is worse? Not knowing what’s holding you back, or knowing and not doing anything to stop it? I guess the silver lining is that at least I do know something. It’s a start right?  I can look at myself and know that I’m not ready to let some things go. That there are some issues I could examine more closely. That it’s okay to uncover some pretty harsh things about yourself. No one is perfect. No one. Maybe we lie to ourselves a little more than we'd like to own up to? And sometimes we just aren’t ready.Whatever the reason. Sometimes we have to pry ourselves one finger at a time. And sometimes the path veers off, smacks a tree, and has us upside wondering how the hell we ended up there? BUT the option and the action to change are always there. You can grab a hold whenever you want; whenever you feel ready. I just know that I’m not quite there yet. So, I guess I just dig deeper. I keep peeling back the layers. Eventually, I'll know exactly what I want, and what I need to do to get there. No second guessing or self doubt. No reservations or fear. And when that day comes...it'll be great. Change will be welcomed, and fear will be long gone.

16 Things I'd Tell My 16 Year Old Self

Not the most important things, and I just wrote whatever popped into my head at that very moment (not a lot of thought went into it). So don't take this too seriously. Also, this is not in any particular order.

•  Bills Suck. No really, they do.
• Working for money, is SOOO not what it's made out to be.
• Cars cost money. Lots and Lots of money. Wrecking them costs even more.
• Credit cards are bad.
• Life really is UNFAIR
• When you're in California, at the pool hall, and you and some friends decide you want to go smoke and drink outside. DON'T! If you do, lots of money and a drivers license will be taken away.  
• Pregnancy is not all "sun kissed glow", and fun times. You'll look like shit 80% of the time.  
• Child birth HURTS, but you do forget the pain, so don't stress .
•  NEVER stop exercising, YOU WILL REGRET IT IF YOU DO!
• WAIT, don't be in a hurry to grow up, it's not what it's all cracked up to be!
• Daddy, will eventually stop paying for things.
• Go to college.
• Don't date guys you think you can fix. It gets messy (and M.U. cheats on you anyways). 
• Friends WILL eventually replace you, so stop acting like they're your whole life.
• Never take Beau out of California.
• Never take the job offer at Vet Outlet (seriously, STAY AWAY!!).

Now your turn. What would you, tell you're16-year-old self?