The Guilt in Needing A Second Job

Recently, out of nowhere, we were told that the majority of us would not be able to put in over 40 hours at work anymore. This struck me as strange because we're constantly being told that our company is beating last years numbers. Once this limitation was put into place my paychecks decreased by about $90-$100 a week. Add into account that we now have a retirement plan that takes out another 3% of each check per week. Not mad at it, I actually needed to get this set up. Of course, 3% isn't considered a lot, but when you're counting every penny even $20 can hurt. And y'all, I'm counting every penny. So, after going over my monthly expenses - making cuts where needed- I came to the realization that my current job alone wasn't going to be enough. Just this past weekend I had already used up the last bit of savings I had managed to build up over the summer. And still, my bank account was running on empty. With another chunk of bills still needing to be paid before the month is through and a school fundraiser that I still have to donate to this week, I feel like the world is caving in on me. As I looked over my budget on Saturday night I also watched Emery twirl around in the living room and the only thing that I could think of was that I  was going to need a second job. And I needed to get one soon. Otherwise, I didn't know how I was going to make it through the rest of the year.   

As I sit here typing this up I've already created a SitterCity profile, submitted some proposals over on Upwork, and browsed through both the "remote" and "part-time" job posting over on Indeed. Emery's now trying on outfits, and bouncing around the living room. She's laughing and thanking me for getting her the new pair of shoes that she's been wanting because "they sparkle and just go with everything". And I want to cry. I honestly have no idea how so many single mothers do this? I knew it had to be hard. I knew that sacrifices had to be made. However, it wasn't until I became a single mother myself that I realized just how much of a toll this takes on you both mentally and physically. I didn't realize just how much it can complicate home life and time spent with your child either. And the guilt? The guilt of not being able to afford everything that you need can be really crushing. Emotionally defeating. Things that most parents don't think twice about cause me a lot of worry and anxiety because I have no idea if I'll even have the money to pay for it. And even with the little side jobs that I pick up with my dad, here and there, it never seems to be enough to help me get ahead.

Now, working two jobs is not something that I'm afraid of. I've done it before. What really upsets me, is the fact that now, getting a second job means losing the already short amount of time I get with Emery. Our week is usually jam-packed with things that she and I both have to do. After school practices, schoolwork, house chores, church functions, and gym time. Some nights we're barely making it through the front door by 8 pm, and that leaves us with less than thirty minutes of "us" time. Which is why the weekends are something that I've held pretty sacred. I try to limit plans and set aside some money so that she and I can go do things together. Whether it's to head out on a hike, go see a movie, visit a park, have a "PJ" day, a dinner date, or an old fashion "girls" day, the weekends have always been our time. If for some reason something came up or family was around during those days, we still did things together. That's always been important to me. So, getting a second job means that all of that gets taken away from us and I'm going to miss out on so much.

The guilt set in as soon as I even thought about getting another job. It got worse when I hit publish on my SitterCity availability. And I cried after Emery came in for a hug while proclaiming that I was just "the best mom ever" for taking her to the Dollar Store earlier that day so she could get a few cheap decorations for Halloween. Unfortunately, unless the restrictions at work get lifted, I miraculously get a raise, or maybe some equality gets put into the workplace, there's really nothing else that I can do. So, I'm going to suck it up. I've allowed myself the time to wallow and feel sorry for myself. But now, I'm going to do what I need to do in order to make ends meet. And I just pray that one day Emery understands that I did it all for her.

Attitude Adjustments & Pressing Buttons

Y’all, I absolutely love my child. She is the sun, the moon, and all of my stars. There is literally nothing I wouldn’t do for her. When I was in the hospital bed, getting ready to deliver her, they had me sign a bunch of paperwork and answer several questions about what they needed to do in case of an emergency. The nurse asked, “If there are any complications, and it comes down to you or the baby who do you want us to save?” “Her,” I answered, “Just save her.” If you’re a parent, you probably know this love I’m talking about first hand. It’s truly unconditional. There are so many times when I catch myself looking at her while thinking, “Wow, I get to be her mom. How fucking lucky am I? I mean, what did I do to deserve this gift??” It’s an amazing thing, right? Right. Well, I want you to keep all of what I just said in mind as I head into this next section because it's a doozy. 

Y’ALL, MY KID IS DRIVING ME INSANE. HER ATTITUDE CAN BE SO DAMN FRUSTRATING AND ANNOYING! And our house is just not big enough to hold both of our stubborn tendencies. I mean, what the hell happened between seven years old and nine years old? It’s like the “Invasion of the Body Snatchers”. Only in slow motion. I went from having this wonderful little girl who loved to be around me and listened to me when I asked her to do something without complaint. A little girl that said please, and thank you. She smiled at everything. Very rarely would she ever talk back, and in the instances that she did all I would have to say was, “Emery, that’s not very nice. I’m really disappointed in your behavior right now.” This usually led to, “I’m so sorry mommy! I promise I’ll be better. Please don’t be disappointed.” The behavior or attitude would go away, and all was well with the world. Do you want to know what response I get these days? “Life’s full of disappointments, mom! You’ll be okay.” Yea! I mean, technically she’s right, but dude she’s nine. She’s constantly responding to me with, “NO” or “I’m not doing that.” or my favorite, "I. DON'T. WANT. TO." She'll huff, slam her bedroom door, or roll her eyes. And don’t even get me started on the daily battle that is waking her up and getting her ready for school in the morning. I never knew just how big of a meltdown a kid could have by just asking them to put on pants. The real ones, not the jeggings. And if I’m being honest, the two’s, three’s, four’s, and five’s were a cake walk compared to nine. Not to mention that she also still insists on sleeping with me. I have to bargain and bribe if I want to get one or two nights in my own bed. Because if I don’t, the little sneak will wait until I’ve fallen asleep and then come on in to make herself comfortable. Then I get a pretty rude awakening around 3 AM to her little body flung across mine. Or getting kicked in the head. And what the hell, I’m the adult, right? Right. 

Anyway, it’s been a little rough lately. The only male, disciplinary, figure she seems to fear is my brother. So, a few weekends ago I asked him to talk to her. Maybe, hearing this stuff coming from him would cause something to click in her mind? Of course, I was lectured too. “Raquel, you’re the parent.” and “Raquel, you need to start disciplining her.” Followed by, “Raquel, you’re her mom not her friend.” and “All I’m hearing are excuses. Put your foot down or she’s going to walk all over you.” And well, he’s not wrong. But “doing” is so much harder when I get stuff like, “Ughh! Mom, you’re the worst. Why can’t I stay with dad?” thrown at me. Or, “I did do what you told me. If you wanted that other stuff done too you should have mentioned it.” (Kim, technically, you should be proud - she expects specifics.) Then there are the moments when she hugs me so tight, and she says  "Mom, you're the best. Thank you for being so awesome!" or the very famous, “Mom, can I please sleep with you? I love you so so much and I don’t want to be away from you.” Oohhh, does that last one get me. Every. Single. Time. And then I’m giving in. Or I’m doing the stuff for her instead of making her do it. Or I’m letting the attitude slide. I give her a look when she talks back, but then we both know I'm just going just give up. And this just isn't getting us anywhere. So, this is why I wanted my brother to have a talk with her. To kind of back me up. Maybe put the fear of God in her a little bit too? Because I was honestly just grasping at straws when it came to figuring out how to address all of this. 

After their little talk, some disciplinary action, and a deal that was brokered between the two, things have been somewhat better. Enough of a change that Beau even noticed a difference. “Did you notice that she’s not talking back that much?” he mentioned one afternoon. However, it’s not all over with. She still tries to test our boundaries, and push my buttons. Though lately, it’s more along the lines of bedtime extensions, bathing practices, and sleeping arrangements. There have been a few instances where she’s said a few things about Beau and my’s relationship. Little pokes and prods here and there at both of us. The difference is that now I share what’s being mentioned in front of him so that he knows too. And now that she’s catching on to the fact that we’re actually communicating about things the comments have started to become less frequent. But boy if this doesn’t feel like we’re getting a little glimpse into the future. I’m already dreading the teenage years, y’all. In fact, if we could just skip that whole phase that would be great. I mean, is it just my kid? Is it typical behavior for kids with divorced parents to act like this? Or is it just this age? One of my co-workers says it's that year in general. Something about 2010 babies, and having really stubborn "devil-may-care" attitudes. One of his is the same age as Emery. And as much as we're warned about the "two's" and "three's", you'd think we'd hear something about this, right? Well, I don't know about you but I had never even heard of, nor was I ever warned about the “terrible pre-teens”. But damn, if we haven’t arrived. So, wish me luck! Say some prayers. Send me all the good vibes. Toss some of them in Beau’s direction too. And let's just hope that we can all make it through to the other side intact. 

An Oops & A Little Chat

Recently, I was offered some products to review. I was also gifted a 3 month subscription to another product, and thought I should share my thoughts on both. So, the other day I took some pictures, and even a little video. I had all of these ready to upload, but then I decided I was going to clear out some of my phone storage because I'm anal and need everything organized in their own little folders. I started by removing duplicates, and then transferring several pictures onto my laptop. Only, when I went to move the product stuff over they were deleted rather than saved. Since these were being taken from my iPhone rather than my hard drive there was no way to restore them. So now I have to go and retake a bunch of pictures. Bleh. Until I get that up and going here are a few little updates for you guys. 

At the end of  May I became an aunt! It's a boy, and he is beautiful. Though I'm sure when he's grown up a bit he'll be all embarrassed that I called him beautiful. But you guys...he's so precious! And do you know what's even more precious? Seeing my baby brother holding his son. Carlos has always been a wonderful person. Sure he's as stubborn as an ass some times but he's also helpful, generous, and kind. My brother has always been the type of person who will do things for others without expecting anything in return. And that love that he has for his wife, y'all. It's unwavering, and unconditional. I don't think I've ever seen two people who work so well together, and put in the effort to keep a good relationship/marriage. I'm not saying they're perfect, or that they never have issues because that's unrealistic. What I'm saying is that they put in the work. You can tell when they bend for each other. When they compromise for each other. How they support each other. How they're a unit. It's truly, amazing to see them together, and I'm super proud of both of them. All of that said, I just know that they are going to be great parents! They are going to raise such a wonderful little man, and I'm just super stoked that I get to be his aunt. Unfortunately it's still a "no go" on pictures. Sorry guys, I tried. But I'm under strict orders. So, all I've got for you today is this one picture of a very sleep deprived brother looking down at his little bundle of joy. 

Moving along. A few days ago I saw a post online about a mother who dyed her daughter's (about 4-5 years old) hair. The little girl had light blonde hair, and the mom put in some semi permanent pink color to tint it. Now, I was all "Damn that looks cute." But then I started to read the comments, and there were a lot of people saying some really rude things. It ranged from this mom being a terrible mother, to the little girl not being old enough to do what she wants with her hair, and then it went all the way to someone asking for a Child Protective Service number in order to report her. Now, I'm not a cosmetologist so I can't really weigh in on the "harmful" stance of this topic. But I do have a young daughter that's always asking me if she can have some random color added to her hair. Unfortunately, my little one has dark hair so it's always been a no from me. This is because we'd have to bleach it, and I'd rather not. If she had lighter hair, I'd probably let her do the semi-permanent color that washes out without even thinking twice about it. That's just me though. Then there was someone who commented about not allowing their daughter to make any decisions in regards to her hair until she was 11 or 12 years old. Because "Kids shouldn't always get what they want."  I thought that was a bit extreme, but to each his own I guess. My daughter has always had long hair, and I absolutely love it. She's wanted blue hair, pink hair, and purple hair that I wish I could allow her to have. But for the most part I've always allowed her to decide the length, and style of her hair. So what was the whole point of this little chat you ask? Well...I let my daughter do a thing...

(fyi--her hair was passed her bum before)

That's all for now folks. These past few weeks have been busy. It was hard to keep any kind of real schedule. Thankfully, after this Saturday everything should be back to a normal routine. Fingers crossed anyway. 

Spring Is (Finally) Here

Lately, I've had a lot on my mind. None of it do I really want to discuss with anyone because I haven't exactly pinpointed what it's all really about. Why exactly I'm feeling a certain way? Why am I hesitating? What are my emotions really attached to? It seems like every few months I hit these low points. I've read that people go through them all of the time, and it's normal. But one thing my counselor always told me was that I'm the kind of person who, more often than not, has her emotions tied in with someone/thing else. I have a hard time separating, and distancing myself. My feelings usually lead the way, and that's not a very good way to go about living because it causes this state of constant up and down. So, when I feel myself starting to get into these moods I'm suppose to force myself to take a step back. To figure out what my triggers are THIS time around. And I have to be extra observant of what I'm doing, as well as why I'm doing it. If I don't, I end up in this long period of depression. At least, that's my theory anyway. Based on my history. So as soon as I start to make some progress on that front I'll definitely let y'all in on what's been on my mind. 

Moving along, Spring is finally here in my little Texas town. Now, a friend of mine pointed out that "Spring started like 2-3 weeks ago." BUT, I say it didn't count. Just last week (and the week before) we had nights where the temperature dropped down to 38 degrees, and our heaters had to be turned on. So no. That doesn't count. This passed weekend, and so far this week it's been about 52-55 at night. A nice, breezy, 75-80 during the day with some occasional rainstorms. THAT my friends, is Spring. So, now that this "issue" has been cleared up, let me just say that we've been enjoying the start of this season. We've gotten our hands in the dirt, started clearing up the flower beds, purchased new potting mix for our planters, and busted out the bicycles. At the recent school book fair the little asked if we could buy this Big View Bug Jar, and it's the best $6.99+ tax I have ever spent. Almost every afternoon she takes her jar outside, and starts collecting bugs. Once she's done with her inspections, and questions she releases them back where she found them. So far she's gotten: an earth worm, a caterpillar, two snails, three grub worms, a moth, a butterfly, and a few ants. It's been really cool to see her show interest in bugs, rocks, and the weather. I might have a little scientist on my hands. Her tia will be thrilled. We've also officially started to teach her how to ride her bike without training wheels. I know, I know. I'm a little late to the game. But this is the first year she actually showed any interest in riding her bike for longer than 5 minutes. So, we're going for it. She's a little nervous, and a little excited. Fingers crossed we make it through! 

On the weight loss front, I won't lie, I've actually gained some weight. I'm not happy about it, but it is what it is. The only thing I can do is start cutting out all of the junk food, and hitting the gym a bit harder. Some people say nice things like: "It's just the stress." or "It's just water weight." But I'm over here thinking it's the damn pizza, french fries, and junk food that my workplace keeps for snacks that I can't seem to say no to that's doing me in. I'm seriously eating mini Keebler cookies while typing this right now. Stress has played a role, I won't deny that, but my self control when it comes to "stress eating" has been nonexistent. And that's the main issue. Again, there are some things going on in my life right now that cause my anxiety/stress to kick in, but basically it all comes down to me eating my feelings. I clearly need to get a handle on that. Otherwise I'm just going to continue to gain weight. And that's not something I want. So as of now, this lady's "ready for summer" body just isn't in the cards this year. Maybe next year? Look out summer 2018, I'm coming for ya.  

Anywho, that about wraps up this post. I hope everyone's had a lovely Tuesday, wherever you are! The news has been pretty crappy lately, and it's actually brought me down even more than usual. So much tragedy, and I have no idea why this shit even happens. My faith in humanity is dimming with each passing day. But that's a topic for another day, huh? Until the next post! ⚓

Family Television - Habits

My child is pretty big on being outside. She's always wanting to run around, and play in the dirt. I'm actually really grateful for this because it keeps her active. I've also heard that it helps with her imagination. However, now that the time change has kicked over it's getting dark out by 6 pm here which is around the time I usually get home. So we've switch over to board games, play time in her room, or a bit more screen time. She usually opts for the extra screen time. Which is great when I'm trying to get things cleaned up, dinner started, and planning for the next day. Yea, I'm guilty of using the TV as a babysitter. But have you ever sat down, watched a "family" TV show, and really dissected what was being presented? I'm all for Game of Thrones, Supergirl, Big Bang Theory, Chicago PD & Fire, Broad City and even some kids show on Disney to name a few. Obviously some of those listed are NOT for kids, and of course we don't let her watch them. What I didn't really notice until about a year ago was how much is presented in these shows. Some are supposed to be family friendly, and on family friendly networks. It seems as the years go by the standards, and what's acceptable seem to slowly blur. Even some of Em's favorite kid channel shows/movies have caused me to do double takes. And it's not always because of sexual content. Sometimes it's the attitude, the lack of respect towards adults, and the name calling that catches my attention. Which has caused me to sit down, and really look at what's being shown to my daughter. 

If you have young children I'm sure you've heard about Caillou. If you haven't yet: run. Run as far away as you can. This was a show that my daughter watched when she was about three, and if you've ever seen it you'll notice just how whiny that little boy can be. I think we had to deal with a few too many tantrums because of that show. Once we stopped allowing her to watch it she had less of them. Then we moved on to some older shows on Disney & Nickelodeon once she turned five. Now there are times when we'll let her sit, and watch some of the shows we enjoy. She really likes Supergirl and Big Bang, but even those straddle a line. More often than not we have to tell her to cover her eyes, inform her that what's going on isn't real, or that what's being said isn't something to repeat. We've also had to address the two mom, and two dad family dynamics. And this was over on ABC Family (before it was switched to Freeform) as well as on Disney.  We've had to talk about two men kissing, and two women kissing. I had to have a sit down a few months ago about how we don't call people idiots, dumb, stupid, or retarded. Our family (parenting choice) in regards to words is really pretty loose. She's heard some things come out of my mouth as well as her father's, and we don't punish her for repeating some things. We do however discipline if she's using them, and even some that aren't considered "bad words" in a hateful way. To cause harm or to insult someone. That's not tolerated in our household. Also, have any of you noticed how much the word "sex" as well as the actual act get thrown into these shows as well? Whether it's fully in your face, or just subtly hinted. Right now she hasn't asked about what it means or what is being talked about, but I know it'll happen sooner rather than later. And she's only six. So because of this I started looking into shows that were "clean", and truly family friendly. What was a bit astonishing to me is just how little there are.

Some of the stuff out there I know we can't avoid. And I'm not trying to be a helicopter parent that keeps my child extremely sheltered. A lot of the conversations that some of these shows started were ones that we had fully planned on addressing anyway. I just didn't think we'd be doing it this soon. So now I'm a bit more mindful of what she's watching, and what they're talking about. I've looked into some websites that have suggestions for family shows. I've found that Common Sense Media is actually a pretty helpful tool for this. I'm now really big on watching the ratings when TV shows start (left hand corner of the screen). On both the Netflix, and Hulu accounts she has the children settings active on her tablet. Anything else she has to have permission to watch first, or it's something that we all sit down to watch as a family. I don't want a television show to be teaching my daughter certain things yet. I don't want her to learn something, and not be old enough to really understand it yet. I've actually come across two shows (one thanks to my mom), that we've both become really addicted to. I'll write a bit more on those later. I guess more than anything I just want her innocence to last longer. I make sure to have discussions, and let her know that I'm always available for any questions she might have. This also applies to books, things she hears at school, and basically everything else. But I still want to be able to address some of these topics on my own timeline. Not because it's something that she saw on TV. 

I've actually really started to get into some more faith based or faith incorporated TV series as well as movies. Sometimes, they help me explain certain questions Emery has about our faith. Sometimes they set some pretty good examples in regards to kindness, compassion, and being humble. But I still allow her to watch the normal stuff that she likes. I just pay closer attention these days. So what do you think? Are there any TV show suggestions you have? Movies? Am I trying to shelter too much? Maybe I am overthinking it, but right now this is what works for us. I'm always looking for ideas though. I thought about taking out screen time altogether, but that would apply to me as well. And I'm sooo not ready to give that up just yet. 😄 

Thoughts on Time Away

Back at the end of January, when I was doing all of my "discovery" and "baby steps", a friend of mine asked me if I wanted to go on a road-trip. I'd help them drive, see a few sights along the way, and then catch a flight back. I'd be gone a total of 3 days, and catch a flight back early on the 4th day. At first, I jumped at the offer. What could be more fun  than getting out of town for a few days? But then I started to think. I started to question whether this was even doable. Most people thought it was a great idea, but others gave me that "look". Parents get it a lot. You know, the one where the person is trying to figure out if they heard you correctly? It's usually followed by registration of your words, and then swiftly turns into a disapproving face and/or sigh. They'd always follow up this look with, "What about your daughter? You can't just go off on a vacation without her." But that's not all. When they would ask who I'd be going with, and I'd answer with a male friend that I've known since I was 17, I'd quickly get a: "You shouldn't do that." or "Just stay home, get a hotel room here, and have a staycation." So, eventually, after a lot of thought I declined the offer.

I felt really guilty for even considering the trip in the first place. Leaving my little behind for a few days was definitely not something I had ever considered before. Why would I start now? I honestly don't see how some parents can do it without feeling some amount of guilt. Practice maybe? My mother was the most vocal about her not being on board with the idea. "I never went anywhere without you or your brother. You shouldn't go anywhere without mija." Mind you this is the same woman who thinks it's perfectly acceptable for Emery to go with her and my dad on vacation without me (a post on that later). Still, I started to talk about this subject with a few of my acquaintances & friends. I talked to some who are moms, and some that are not. One woman told me that she, and her husband took vacations once a year by themselves. The kids stayed at the grandparents home for the week, and they went on vacation alone. But they also took yearly family vacations as well. Another woman, who was recently divorced, told me that I should do something spontaneous for myself and this trip was just what I needed. Who cared what others thought? My daughter would be in good hands, and it would only be three days. When I asked a relative about their opinion on the subject her response started with, "Well, it doesn't make you a bad mom but..." And that right there is what I had been fearing: being a bad mom. 

I think the thought of being considered a bad mom was what hit me the hardest out of everything. I had already failed as a wife, and I didn't want to fail at being a mother too. I was already going through a really rough time. The idea of going on a road-trip was so tempting. I was at a point where I just wanted to get away for a few days. Away from the drama, the daily routine, the responsibilities, the women (compliments of a small town), and the answers people would seek that I couldn't bring myself to give. I was tired, and being pulled internally towards many directions. My mind felt like it was running on empty, and there was barely anything left of me. I just wanted a break. But that word alone, break, leaves a bad taste in my mouth sometimes. I kept asking myself, "Who could possibly need a three or four day break from their kid?" I felt so guilty, and selfish for even wanting time to myself. For even considering something that didn't include my daughter. If I was having a rough time, I could only imagine how she felt. So, if she wasn't going to be coming with me then I might as well forget ever going anywhere.

My counselor, on many occasions has told me that I'm not JUST a mother. I'm not JUST a wife. He's stressed that I need to find MYSELF again if I ever want to be happy. If I ever want to move forward. I'm supposed to do things that I like, and try to be open to experiencing new things. BUT how do we do that when we have kids? When we have responsibilities? Jobs, and everyday life? How do you find yourself if you never get time to spend alone with yourself? Then during the times that you do find a moment people judge you extremely hard over it. I get how traveling with a male friend would raise some eyebrows, I get that. But all of this made me wonder why this same pressure, and guilt isn't placed on fathers?  B.A. (before the affairs- that's what I'm calling it) my spouse went on a handful of solo trips/ weekends with the boys. No one questioned it. No one asked him why he wasn't taking his daughter along. No one expressed to him that three days away was three days too many. It's as if it was expected of him. It was acceptable for him to have that time because he needed it. But what about us moms? Why is guilt placed on us for thinking of, or actually committing to some time away? Why is it that we get the "looks", and our love for our children is called into question? Why is it that our identity from before, once we become mothers, is expected to take a back seat?

For now the guilt is too much for me. I can't bring myself  to be away from my daughter for long periods of time. It's possible that as she gets older my feelings on this will change. That doesn't mean that I don't sometimes wish for space, or daydream of time alone. I really envy those out there that can take some time away. I wish I were as brave as you. Maybe that statement on it's own makes me a bad mom, I'm not sure? What I do know is that I'm trying to get my moments. Whether it's the solo drive home from work down the back roads. The five minutes of silence before the rest of the house wakes up in the morning. The few minutes I get at the gym when I'm on the treadmill. Because my daughter knows not to come that far forward since it's against gym rules. I just know that I'm trying. I'm trying to find ME again. I'm trying to be comfortable with separation, as well as closeness. I'm trying to enjoy the moments, however tiny they may be, and appreciate them. I'm trying to find out what my limits and boundaries are in regards to spending time away.

My Little Adventurer

Emery is five years old. And she loves having her little adventures. I usually only like the outdoors when I'm in the mood for them. However, Emery is all about it. She wants to be outside, running wild, and barefoot pretty much 24/7. She wants to be in the water, picking up turtles, and climbing rocks. She is pretty fearless, and I am completely in love with that. I also think this is one of the main reasons why I miss living out in the country so much. We had a lot of space out there and a lot of back roads. Our lake was a five minute drive, and at night you could layout in the front yard and look out at the countless stars that just seemed to go on forever. Probably because they do. Even with the occasional urges to get out of the house and go exploring with my little girl, it's just not enough for her. She craves it all of the time now. And I'm sure now that summer is right around the corner that need is about to grow exponentially. 

Thankfully, I have a pretty awesome brother and sister-in-law that make up for what I lack in this department. And they live for this stuff. Kayaking, archery, biking, camping, cave exploring, rock climbing, and digging in the dirt are just a few of the many amazing things that they enjoy doing. They're also always there when I need suggestions on what we could do that would be cheap or free. They told us about some nice spots to go visit during the summer for camping which I'm hoping we'll get to do this summer. However, there's a lot about this stuff that I know NOTHING about, or we just can't afford to spend on the proper equipment for. So, it's great that recently Emery's been able to spend some time with them to learn, and try out some of these things she's always talking about! 

On Sunday they went kayaking and once she had been dropped off she had a so many stories to tell. She informed me about the water, the fish, and the stuff that her tia and tio let her do. She was really excited about going again, and she was adamant that next time I would have to go as well. On Wednesday they took her to go enjoy a trail that's been recently put into place, and she was able to take her bike. Throughout this whole time, of course, I'm a nervous wreck. I trust them completely with her, but she's still my baby. And not being able to see her at all times still gets me nervous. This is why Kim is under strict orders to update me with pictures:

Now, even though my signature is on these the real credit goes to them. These are just two of the many I was sent while they were off having fun. Now even though you can't see it in these pictures she is always wearing a huge smile. And when I call to ask if she's ready for me to pick her up or if she wants to come home, the answer is usually the same as she's running off: "No, I'm not ready yet." And I just smile as she makes her way back to the fun.

I can't say it enough, so here it is again: I am truly lucky. I have so much support and love from my family, and that's a pretty amazing thing. There is a great big world out there, and I don't know everything. I've never claimed to. But I do have a very curious little girl that wants to try new and exciting things I might not always be able to provide for her. So, it's nice to have people there who can help me nurture that side of her. They help me keep my little adventurer's fire alive, and I'm grateful for this every single day.  

What The Terrible {Insert Any Age Here} Have Taught Me

I remember right after I had my daughter how often people would tell me about all of the misery that comes with having a newborn. The usual: lack of sleep, lots of crying, and how you feel so helpless when something is wrong but they can't tell you what it is yet so there's no fixing it right away. Then it quickly moved on to "Oh, you just wait until the terrible twos! You'll have your hands full for sure." That was followed by the terrifying threes, and horrible fours. It seemed like no matter what I was bound to go through a super scary phase in my kid's life. And yet, I never saw it. No, wait. Scratch that. I did see a tiny glimpse of it here and there, but I remember getting out of those stages thinking "That was it? Really?" I was always grateful and pretty excited to have "made it" through those years without too many incidents. Everywhere we went there would be compliments over how well behaved our daughter was, and how polite she was towards others. I figured we were doing something right, at the very least. But you guys, NONE of those stages above compare to the fives. The fives have caused me to swear off having any more kids (kind of...maybe...more than likely). The fives have caused me to lock myself in the bathroom in order to have a good cry because I just snapped at her for yelling at me and now she's crying and telling me that I don't love her, and...and...and....really? 

It's been pretty rough. She just turned five too. There's been nonstop crying, tantrums, and back talking. Her selective hearing has increased to "not listening unless it involves buying me things". Sure she's still sweet, kind, polite, and for all intents and purposes acts the way we'd like her to in public. However, the real war is at home. The real battles go down when asked to wear jeans instead of leggings. Or when asked that she pick up her toys, or turn off her tablet. You can almost hear the battle cry rumbling when she's told to find her shoes, or when told that she will be staying at the babysitters. That last one is a recent development. It seems like she fights me on EVERYTHING. There have been times I've thought about giving her some benadryl in hopes that it would knock her out long enough for me to catch a break. I repeat, I THOUGHT, not actually done. Don't act like it hasn't crossed your mind once or twice either. The only reprieve I seem to get is when she sleeps or when we're in the car (because she knows we're going somewhere). And lately, it's been very...very trying.

Here's what I'm finally learning though: these little people that we are raising have their own personalities. They have their own minds, and some days are going to be hard because they want to push every damn button in you that they can find. It's just like meeting someone new in your everyday life. There are some people that will encourage you, irritate you, challenge you, or even just flat out hate you. There will be some that you feel are soulmates, and others that you can handle only in small doses. You won't always agree, and you'll probably question them or their decisions more than once. All of this happens because in the end they are not you. This applies to our children as well. They are growing, and no matter how many times someone says "Oh, he/she's exactly like you!" they never really are. It would be super creepy and weird if they were. The reality of that hit home so hard this past weekend, and I know now that as my little girl is becoming more aware of herself and others around her she's going to be testing our boundaries a lot more frequently. And that's just life. We just have to make sure that as she's testing out our limits we not let her walk all over us because that can't lead to anything good, and I refuse to raise a spoiled brat.

So, my husband and I have realized that some changes will have to be made on our part because our form of discipline will be a constantly evolving thing. Some forms that worked when she was two will not now that she's five. It's not just the terrible two's or frightening fives, this is going to be a constant process. As she discovers who she is, and who we are as her parents there will always be this push and pull effect between us. Some years will be harder than others, and I'm sure I'll question everything that I do. My mother told me that she still questions her actions and advice that she gives to us, and my brother and I are both in our 20's. So this is definitely a learn-as-you-go process, and it's finally hitting me that this is going to be as tough as it is rewarding. Raising a human being isn't easy and I don't think it was meant to be. It's meant to make you a better person as well as to challenge you for the rest of your life. There is no greater joy than knowing you raised a wonderful human being, and it wouldn't be the same if it didn't change you or require you to work for it. So here's to the "terrible whatever age comes next" because this is one of the many things that being a parent is all about and I'm ready. I've got this! I might need some xanax when this is all over with, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. :)

I Hope I'm Doing This Right...

Emery has grown so much, in so many different ways, in the past few months. There are times when I'm not sure how I'll ever catch up. Preschool has been amazing for her, and I'm really glad that we waited until she was four before putting her in it. I think she had just the right balance of being at home, and learning from our very mixed cultural family to prepare her for being around children and adults of different backgrounds. She's so open to a lot of things, and she gets excited when she's presented with something new to learn. I'm happy to see that she doesn't treat anyone differently, and when she sees others do so she quickly lets them know that it isn't right. I am so proud, and if this seems a bit like bragging, just know that I am. A little bit. But that's what parents are allowed to do from time to time, right? 
One day at the beginning of October the teachers pulled me aside, and told me that she was really well mannered and really a head of some of the other kids. I walked away letting out a huge sigh of relief because up until that point I'd always had this nagging feeling that we weren't doing enough, or at the least could be doing more to prepare her for school. Not only academically but emotionally as well. Hearing that she was excelling was a huge weight off my shoulders that I hadn't realized I had been carrying around. But she's doing great! She wakes up on her school mornings so excited to see friends and learn. As soon as we are at the early care room door she gives me a quick kiss, a very loud "I LOVE YOU MOM, SEE YOU LATER!", and rushes off. When we get home it's filled with stories that they read, songs that she got to sing, and even some funny things that the other kids did. There are some days when she thinks they had too much playtime, and not enough homework which is pretty interesting. I really hope she keeps that outlook up. The attitude that she has going in, and the excitement that she exudes reassures me that she is happy. And that's all we ever want for our kids isn't it? 
She did experience her first encounter with "mean girls" which was shocking to me because they're only four. But it's out there, it happens, and if it had continued I would have had a long not-so-nice conversation with some parents. I remember the first time she came to me and told me some girls at school wouldn't allow her to play with them, and that they had told her they hated her. It completely broke my heart. I wanted nothing more than to march back down there and take her out of that class. She wasn't ready, I thought. She doesn't deserve that kind of treatment. But, then she told me what her response was and it had me smiling. "Mom, I just did this *she shrugs* and I said: Whhhaaattt? Why would you hate me? You don't even know me silly. And then I went and played with some other kids." She handled it beautifully, don't you think? I did my best to explain that she didn't need these little girls to play with. There were plenty of others there. And I even tried to explain that those girls more than likely had no idea how hurtful the word "hate" is, or the real meaning of it. She looked at me and said "It's okay mommy. I know they don't really hate me." And a week later they were all friends. 
I still catch myself wondering if letting her navigate that particular issue in her own way was okay. Should I have told the teachers? The parents? I know that we can't protect our children from everything because there is a great big world out there. And it's not always nice. But, this doesn't mean I want my child to be exposed to all of these things at her current age. It just so happened that this particular issue was happening to her right then. And I'm not exactly sure what that says about us adults? There isn't a manual or time table for me to follow either. I was proud that she felt comfortable enough to tell me right away what had happened. I really want that to be the case for everything that goes on as she continues to grow. Still, I wonder if I did the right thing? If I did it right? That's the thing about being a parent though, it's different for everyone. We can just pray and hope that we're doing the best that we  can to not make things worse.

Preschool

Yesterday was Emery's first day of preschool. I woke up at 5:30 am, and just held on to her as tightly as I could without waking her. I stared at her little features; those cheeks and the button nose. I gently counted her little fingers and toes. I watched as she made some of the same faces in her sleep as she did when she was a baby. God, I wanted to stay in that moment forever.  To me, this is the true beginning of change. It's also the reality that my daughter is really growing up. Now I'm not a crazy person that truly believes her daughter would stay little forever. That's not what I'm really mourning (at least I don't think it is). What is really hitting me is that all of those little moments and milestones have come and gone. There is no more going back, and we're about to hit the ground running. Full speed ahead. You see, when she was three months I was comforted by knowing that she would still be in that "baby state" for a few more months at the least. I'd get to enjoy it longer. Now, she's changing and growing in so many different ways...daily. She's losing those baby features too. And of course children always need their parents, but I had to ask her twice to let me get her dressed for school. To which she replied "Ugh. Mooom. I can do it by myself." Well, I know you can kid, but just let mom do it one last time. FYI: She did!  So there I was, having an itty bitty pity party for myself when I whispered "It's your first day of school, little." She sprang up from bed with a "MOM! It's my first day of school! I have to get dressed! We can't be late mom!! Hurry!" I don't think I've ever had such a quick morning in my life. She brushed her teeth, found her shoes, and had her back pack ready to go well before it was time to leave. She grabbed the keys, and all but shoved me out the door. When we arrived at her school we had about 10 minutes before early care started. So, I went over how she needed to be nice to the other kids. Tackling someone just to sit on them was a no-no. Listen to the teachers. Try not to be rude. Please let an adult know if you need to go potty. etc, etc. As we walked in, she greeted everyone with a "Good morning!" or a "Hello!" I turned in her completed admissions paper work, and walked with her to the early care room. I said goodbye, and she gave me a kiss. As I walked away she said "Love you, mom." I made it to the parking lot before shedding some tears. 

Since my father doesn't work during the week he'll be the one to pick her up on the days she has school. But it being her first day and all I decided to meet him there to show him how to sign her out. I also wanted to see how her first day had gone. Once we arrived I was  informed by one of her teachers that there were a few tears in early care after I had left. Is it completely horrible that I was a teeny tiny bit glad about this? But they quickly dissipated once she was taken into her regular room (the one she spent time in at the teacher meet/greet). I was told she did really well, and was very interactive with all of the other kids. When I asked her about her day she quickly told me about the crying. Then just as quickly she stated she would not cry the next time because it wasn't so bad. She had plenty of stories to share and let me know that she made friends. This is completely bittersweet to me. I am so proud of her, and I cannot wait to see how much she accomplishes and learns this year. Getting to see my little girl grow, and learn is a really amazing experience! It's a blessing that I'm thankful for each and every day. And yet, I can't help but feel this small tug on my heart that's reminding me: This is it. This is the first and last time that she'll be just like this. Tomorrow she'll be a little bit more different. I wish I could prolong it. I wish I could pause it just for a few moments. Or bottle it up to carry it with me always. However, since that's out of the question, I'll just have to learn to pay extra close attention. I'll have to make sure that I don't miss a single thing as Emery embarks on her new adventure. 

It's Starting...

Since we moved into town we've been pretty preoccupied with getting settled and figuring out the best routine that works for us. I'm still in the process of putting left over stuff in storage and up-cycling some furniture that we desperately need in order to keep our house organized. Our clothes currently reside in separate laundry baskets. So even though we've seen most of our surrounding neighbors we haven't really gotten to know them. And I won't lie, I really haven't put in the effort to get to know them either. How un-neighborly of me I know. But recently, we've had a little boy come over every afternoon to ask for Emery. And this has just made me all...frazzled?

I know that Emery making friends is a good thing. I also know that I don't want to be a "helicopter parent" because I believe that's just hurting your kids more in the long run. But, I can't believe we're already getting to that stage. You know the one where your kid(s) asking you constantly "Can I go out and play with *insert other kids name here*?" rather than just chill at home with you. I get that it's bound to happen, but c'mon she's FOUR! I guess I assumed that we still had at least another year before "friends" would be a huge deal. Alas, we've been getting a lot of: "Mom can **** come over and watch a movie?" or "Mom can I go and jump on the trampoline with ****?" And if we say no, there is A LOT of pouting being done. Sometimes, some huffing and on occasion some crying.

Unfortunately, because of this recent development my fears and paranoia have hit an all time high. We live in a small town, but even this small town has it's "rough" side. In fact, it has two. And can you guess where our neighborhood is? Yup, about three blocks away from one of them. So, anytime Emery is outside either my husband or I have to be watching her at all times. This is probably considered "helicopter parenting", but again I will repeat, she is FOUR. Apparently, this is strange for the little boy who's always wanting her to go outside and play. He's even vocalized the "weirdness" of us "always watching" and not letting her play outside by herself. The poor kid has no idea that by making such statements, it only made things a lot worse. 

You see, this little dude is seven years old. SEVEN. Now, I know that not everyone out there are a bunch of perverts but honestly you never know. I have no idea what his family life is like or what he's allowed to watch. Or what he's not but does anyway. I've met his parents once in passing and I try to hold off my judgement of other people because we all parent differently. That said we've been here for almost two months now and we've noticed that the two youngest get left at home ALONE for very long periods of time a lot. Again, not my business.They also have several cookouts throughout the week that consists of many males of various ages, and a lot of liquor and beer. I know that this could all be completely innocent. A bunch of compadres kicking it after a long day at work? I've also considered that my mind could be getting the best of me, but I'm just not willing to allow my daughter to "hang out" or be anywhere near them unsupervised. Ever. 

This kid is persistent though. He comes over EVERY afternoon. And he questions everything too. If we don't allow Emery outside then he wants to know why? And if he can't convince us to let her out then he asks if he can come in and watch TV with us. Since I can't really tell him no, I usually let him in with a curfew of 8:30. So, this had me thinking that maybe he's lonely? Maybe he's just curious? Maybe he's not given attention at home? But then again this little boy isn't all that innocent either. I caught him & his older brother lying on the first day that he came over. We had bought Frozen and some pizza when he came knocking on our door to see if Emery could come out. It was almost 7:30 and the sun was going down so I told him she couldn't. Instead I invited him to join us for the movie and pizza if he okay'd it with his parents first. That little stinker left for 5 minutes, came back, and said his mom was fine with it. About thirty minutes later I witnessed his mother and father pull up. Maybe he called them? Ten minutes later the oldest is running over, knocking on our door looking embarrassed, and telling us that his brother needs to get home. 

I know that they're only kids. I know that Emery's going to make friends, some good and some not so good. I know that this is all part of her growing up. And unless I lock her up in her room (which I may or may not have considered) there really is no avoiding this. In fact, it's probably going to get worse. Eventually she's going to want to hang out away from home. Gees, my heart just jumped at the thought. But this is all new territory for us! My husband and I were discussing what we should do about this kid and we weren't entirely too sure how to go about dealing with him. I mean, can you even deal with a seven year old? Do we just take it day by day? Do we let him know that Emery has rules at home that she can't break? Do we talk with his parents? How do we not come off as insulting when we tell them all interactions between our kids should be supervised? There are sooo many things to considered and think about. And quite frankly it's giving me a migraine.

Not An Absent Mother, Just Not Always Focused

After re-reading this post I wrote last week, I realized that I came off as being an "absent mother". I assure you, I am not. I wrote that last post with a lot of emotion and realization going through me. I was FEELING like I was being an absent mother because I wasn't paying attention to the little things. Once a month I get REALLY REALLY emotional and that post just so happened to be written on that day. But today, after a few days of really thinking a bit more clearly and calmly I'd like to expand on that post a bit.

My daughter and I spend a lot of time together. When I'm not at work, or at school you will always find us together. And even now that doesn't seem like enough time together to me. However, my husband and I have entirely too much debt (gained while being young and dumb). This means I can't afford to be a stay at home mom like I would like to be. We also have to keep in mind that out of both of our jobs mine is the most secure, consistent, and the higher income of the two. So, for the most part our livelihood depends on me.

This has been a major stress factor in my life. I'm constantly on the go, and there's always SOMETHING that needs to done, worked on, or finished. There are days when I feel like I have entirely too much on my plate and it leads to some not so great personal moments. And often I seek a reprieve in the only way/access that I have: the internet. Whether it be on my phone, tablet, or computer I know that I spend a lot of time networking. Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr, and Blogger are my biggest addictions. I like reading people's posts, checking out online shops, or connecting with friends over Facebook. But I realized, in doing so, I was missing out on a lot of little moments my daughter was offering me.

I'm with her every day! I sit outside with her while she plays. I sit on the couch while she plays house. I accept her "teas" & "pizza". I'm at the table while she draws. I sit on the bathroom floor while she plays in the tub. That little beauty mark started out so tiny, and I knew it was there but I hadn't notice how it was more prominent now. So, I know that I'm there for it all! BUT I'M NOT. Looking back at many of those moments I can guarantee that 90% of the time I had my phone or tablet with me. I wasn't fully there, with her. I wasn't noticing how she explains WHAT she will draw before she draws it. Or how in order to get my attention she'd have to repeat herself several times. I was missing out on her little dances, and only listening to bits in pieces of her stories because I was too distracted. That, to me, is just unacceptable.

So this is why and what I want to change starting now. I want to put all of that "extra stuff" away. I want to ignore my phone, turn off my tablet, and let my laptop collect dust (when not in use for school). I want to pick up my camera again, and collect all of the memories I can get. I want to sit down and draw with my daughter. I want to give her my attention the moment "Mom" is uttered from her mouth. I want us to spend more time outside, exploring, painting and learning. I want to notice everything about her, and my family. With a little determination, I'm pretty sure I can get it done. And boy, do I feel good about this change.

A Lesson In Living In The Moment

Last Wednesday, I came across two things that grabbed my attention. This video, and this post by the lovely Sash last month that I just couldn't get out of my head. I highly recommend you read her blog since it's really...really good. Anyway, both of these things, though very different, sent a pretty similar message: Pay ATTENTION! Live in the NOW. Do things NOW. Look at life NOW. Put your distractions away, and live in the moment because it only happens once! 

Annnnnd that, my friends, is exactly what I plan to do starting this year. I've made a list of goals, pledges, & challenges for myself this year instead of resolutions. And at the top of that list is cutting back on my use of technology. As much as it pains me to say this, I've caught myself on several occasions missing out on things my daughter says or does because I was too busy posting on Instagram or catching up on my Facebook feed. All is good in moderation, but when your daughter has to repeat "MOM" over and over again before you realize she's talking to you, then you know it's bad. I literally cringed just now, thinking about it. As hard as it is to admit, and as painful as it is to realize, I'm guilty of this way too often.

Last weekend, I was sitting on the couch while Emery was playing with her doll house in my parents living room. I was sitting there when all of a sudden I just felt like something was missing, and whatever it was had to be really important because I was feeling almost depressed about it. I kept reassuring myself that it was nothing, and probably not that important is I couldn't remember. Then, I caught myself just staring at my daughter. There she was, my little baby, and I almost burst into tears. I felt my heart squeeze a little and for the first time in awhile it really hit me that time is not standing still. My baby is growing up. My baby is changing. I found myself sitting next to her, and studying her face. I asked her to look at me, and when she did I couldn't believe how much her features had changed. She still looked like my little baby, but at the same time she's didn't. You know, I see her every day and we sleep in the same bed, but it seemed like I hadn't really been SEEING her, if that makes any sense? She was changing and growing and I wasn't taking the time to really notice it. 

I couldn't for the life of me seem to process the subtle changes. I didn't want to accept that I hadn't noticed the tiniest little beauty mark had spring up at the corner of her mouth. Or that she really did stand like her father. Or that those baby cheeks, were almost completely gone! And I kept asking myself, "How in the world did you miss that?!?!" I mean, these things are huge! These are life changing. I sat there in disbelief for awhile; denial even. But those feelings were nothing compared to the shame and guilt that set in. I sat there on that living room floor and I was so angry that I let this happen. I let that time slip away from me. I put things off for my own selfish reasons. And when that realization hit me I was completely heartbroken. That is a feeling I never want to have again! I don't want to miss anymore of it.

Things are changing for us this year. I'm getting closer to my associates, and with that comes a change in plans. My daughter is growing up a little bit more every day, and I don't want to miss out on that! I only get it once. NOTHING should ever be more important than her. Everything else can, and will wait. So, after having that heartbreaking realization, and paired with those two attention grabbing posts, I felt like the universe was giving me a sign. A great big one. And lucky for me, time was on my side for once. I knew that I couldn't get back what I lost, but I could prevent myself from loosing anymore of it.

And that's why I'm challenging myself to limit my use of technology to just an hour or less a day, at the end of the day, and only once my daughter has fallen asleep. If I can do less, even better! Of course I can answer phone calls and text messages, but it must be kept short. Everything else is off limits until Emery is sound asleep. I need to start living in the moment. I need to start paying attention. And I need to start doing things NOW, while I still have the time. Because I only get this once...

"You just gotta appreciate everything. That's one of the most important things in life is just - really appreciating it because, we only get to do this once, and it's not for a long time so enjoy it." - Jay Moriarity

Strong Influences

I'm all for female empowerment. I feel that Emery should be raised with the reality that she can accomplish anything she puts her mind to regardless of her gender. So long as she works hard for it, and earns it fairly the world is her oyster. I also want her to know that when it comes time for relationships that she should always approach them with the idea of companionship and friendship in mind. Not because she feels like she needs someone to "survive". But most importantly, I want her to embrace herself for whoever she becomes.

I grew up having a very independent mind frame. In a lot of ways I’m just like my mother and in others we are polar opposites. So for the longest time I just assumed I was like this because of her. It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized I had gotten some of that mind set from my father. Now, don’t take that as me saying my mother is weak; she’s anything but. And in fact, I only came to this realization AFTER talking with her about who I got my personality from. She told me that I was a perfect combination of the two, but the characteristics that shone through the most (because they were the ones on the surface) were the ones I got from my father.

My mother says this is because we had a lot of strong influences in our lives from both a man and a woman. Growing up I saw a man who worked hard to provide for his family. I witnessed my father quit drinking from one day to the next in order to be involved in our lives. There wasn't a single game, contest, play, or meet that he missed. We may not have always had the nicest or most expensive things but we never went without. We also had a mother who knew her children weren't perfect and never claimed them to be. She said at first she had no idea how to handle us, but eventually she grew to learn how to proudly support and defend our differences. Whether it was my “goth” phase or my brothers “girl-jean” wearing phase she was the first to step up to the plate and allow us to expresses ourselves.

Having all of this strength being displayed in our lives made us who we are today. Because of them I can say that I am so proud of my upbringing. When my mom thought something was a little too rough for a girl, my dad was there to reassure her that I was fully capable of achieving it. When my dad thought my brother might be gay, my mom was there to remind him that it didn't matter because they loved him either way. And looking back on it all I’m proud that men played just as big of a role in shaping who I am, as women did. This is exactly what I want for Emery. I want her to grow up knowing that strength comes in all forms & genders. I want her to know that she’ll always have our love. And I want her to know that whatever she chooses to do, we’ll be right there behind her. Both the men and women in her life. No matter what.

Thankfully, I have the most amazing family in the world. And so far, they're helping me achieve just this. :) 

Soul Searching

This past year I had very little family time. I was caught up in everything else that I lost sight of some things. Don’t get me wrong, it was a decent year despite all the hardships and I really feel like I've grown into myself a lot. I've handled things to the best of my abilities, and I’m proud of myself for that. I've laid some things to rest and I've also opened up new doors. I've discovered a few things about myself and I hope that this year I get to discover more. But with all of this “newness”, I have to find a way to keep myself grounded. Which means I need to turn the cell phone off, close my laptop, & turn off the TV more often. I need to think before I speak. I need to listen, and learn. I need to make time for what's important and cut out what is not. I need to enjoy the now and open myself up to new adventures.

Currently, my “parenting” (and all that it entails) is not exactly where I’d like it to be. My daughter, who will turn 3 next month, is already catching on to the fact that I spend a lot of time with books, papers, and a computer in front of me. In fact, last week while I was looking at my schedule, and emailing student services she told her father that she needed his help because I was ‘not listening’ to her. Can you believe that? It broke my heart. I don’t want her to think that I purposely ignore her or that I’m too busy for her. So, I need to work on this. I need to set time aside for her, regardless of the circumstances. I need to focus on her, and allow her to have my undivided attention whenever she feels she needs it. And I need to tell myself that sometimes, other things can just wait. My little Ocean, should come before it all. Always.

My marriage is also something that could use some attention. Things have never been easy for us, but this past year we've just been going through it. It just feels like everything has hit us in some form or another. We aren't always on the same page, our schedules are complete opposites, financial stress is at its highest, and communication isn't always our top priority. Now, even though the problems weren't always slapping us in the face, they were right there under the surface. And those are the worst! But we acknowledge it, and try our best to work things out. To understand. Still, it could use some care and attention if we plan on making it till we’re old and grey. Sometimes, things get worse before they get better though. I’m not afraid to admit this either because marriage takes work. And you have to work at it constantly because you're both constantly changing and growing.

And finally I need to continue working on me. For the longest time I felt like I was stuck. Like life was passing me by and I had no clue how to stop it. Confidence in myself and my abilities were at an all time low. The change I craved never came. I kept trying to mold myself into the person, wife, and parent many people expected me to be. I said no, and passed up a lot of things that I wanted to do because I just felt like that was the old me and there was no room for her in my life anymore. I was so unhappy for such a long time. I know it sounds ridiculous but it’s how I felt. I finally made a promise to work on me, and now I feel like it’s paying off. I feel better. Physically and emotionally. I know that there’s still so much more to work on. I know that I’m not exactly where I’d like to be. To be honest, I don’t know if I’ll ever get to the point where I am completely accepting of myself. And there are days when I feel like I’m right back at the beginning. But I’m closer than I was last year, and that’s what I need to always keep in mind.

I feel like this year will bring on even more soul searching, new adventures, and many self discoveries. I just need to be open to them. I need to learn to be quiet, and patient. I need to learn from everything, and others around me. I need to let go of things, and people that need letting go of. And I need to take the good with the bad. I should feel so lucky to be able to learn from any and all of the mistakes I make. They’re a part of life, and the many lessons I have yet to learn. And I’m ready to embrace all of it. I’m ready to move forward, and to grow. You know, carpe diem and all that jazz? So, I’m determined to do this. I’m determined to be a better person, wife, and mother because I want to be. And I’m determined to live the life that I want, in the way that I want to live it.

The Right Thing?

Lately, I’ve been asked by a few people if I think I’m doing the right thing by working, and going to school. I’ve been asked if I think this is the right thing for Emery. How can spending so much time away from her possibly be healthy for her? Don’t I feel bad for missing out on so much? How can I not possibly be overwhelmed? These are all very good questions that I ask myself almost every week. I have questioned myself about my decision to go back to school. I’ve wondered if I should really be doing this, especially with our current situation? And so far, I think that even though it’s tough, I am doing the right thing.

When I graduated high school, it wasn’t because I was excited to go off to college. In fact, I only rushed the process and graduated a month earlier because I was excited to go be with my boyfriend. In my mind, I always thought college could wait. I wanted to go off and see if I could make it on my own. To explore a different scenery. But as we all know, life happens, and my “put school off for a year” mentality turned into two years and then three. And before I knew it Emery was here and my main focus was to provide for her.

For a year after Emery was born my husband didn’t work. I was the sole provider for our family, and I worked in an AWFUL place for minimum wage. I kept getting passed up for promotions and raises, because the owner based his decisions on degrees rather than experience. It was then that I realized I needed to get my butt back in school. I know many people aren’t like my previous employer, but unfortunately many are exactly like him. The fall that I applied for financial aid and submitted my transcript, I was given a wonderful job offer that I just couldn't refuse.

Once school started, I was given the option of working out my own schedule. The first semesters were fine, but I was coming home LATE. I didn’t get to see my daughter for two full days during the week, except for when I crawled into bed. This semester, I’ve taken on a “heavier” load but I’m doing it earlier so I can BE home every afternoon. My schedule has become tighter and I have to be at work earlier than I normally would be if I weren't in school. But I have my husband, and my wonderful parents to help me out when it comes to Emery. It may not be the most normal “daily routine” for most moms, but for me it works. Besides, I only have two more semesters before I’m able to transfer to our local University. Once that happens I won’t have to miss so much work and I’ll be 20 minutes from home, making things a lot easier for everyone.

So, is this the right thing for Emery? I think so. I think in the long run, getting a degree will open doors for me that will in turn help us financially. Emery needs stability, and even though I know lay-offs happen, I think it’s nice to have something to fall back on. Especially when you have a family. How can spending so much time away from her be any good? It’s probably not. Lord knows I’ve shed tears here and there. I absolutely HATE being away from my baby, but right now she’s surrounded by family. People she knows and interacts with on a daily basis. Plus, I’d rather be doing this now while she’s still little than when she’s older and in school. I’d hate to miss out on plays, sports, or any other extra curricular because I had to be in class. Do I feel bad? Absolutely. But I know that I’m doing this for me just as much as I am for her. In the long run, this is the best decision for our family. And that's what's important.

Mommy Confession: Bratty

My kid is a brat. I’m talking full on screaming, kicking, destroy everything in her path, kind of a brat. Yea. How she got like this, I haven’t the slightest clue. Some people say it’s “the terrible two” stage. Others say she’s testing our limits. Welp, our limits have been reached.

It’s gotten to the point where I dread having to run errands in town and having to take her with me. Alone. Because that’s when she's the worst! Usually her fits are over me not letting her run around the store. At the grocery store, she’s always wanting to run around and throw things inside the cart. She likes to talk back, and slap at my face if I tell her she can’t have candy. People tell me I should DO something, but what can I do? My daughter is very strong willed, stubborn, and determined. Characteristics that I hope one day will benefit her. I've spanked her before, right in the middle of the aisle. All that does is cause her screaming to get louder. I've tried to just ignore her, and continue like there’s nothing wrong. This usually leads her to hit me or scream “MOMMY” at the top of her lungs. It's exasperating!

I hate being that family. The one everyone looks at and hopes the parents put a muzzle on their child so they can go on with their peaceful shopping. I've noticed that when my husband is with us, she does a complete one-eighty. She’ll throw a tantrum, and he’ll set her straight right away. Very rarely will she challenge him. And if she does, he takes her outside, and spanks her. She comes back in sad, but hardly ever will she act up again after that. When I try to do the same, she pretty much gets worse –louder. People start looking at me, or I’ll hear those comments “If that were my child...” That right there, is probably the most annoying thing I ever hear.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my kid. And I’m not embarrassed by the situation, I just get irritated. It’s the same scenario, over and over again. Every damn time we go out. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to duct tape a kids mouth before, the way I sometimes do with my own kid. Don’t judge, you know you’ve thought it too. These “outbursts” don’t just happen when we’re out and about either. She refuses to listen to me at home too. By the end of my day, my nerves are shot, and I find myself wanting to shove my head under a pillow and be dead to the world. SERIOUSLY, who lets their kid dictate their life like this? Anyone? Anyone? 

Ugh, I’m not exactly sure where to go from here. I have no idea how to handle this type of situation, being a first time mom and all. And I don’t really have any other moms to talk to, that have gone through this. Well besides my own mother, but her answer is to let Em have whatever she wants. And that’s not gunna fly. I’ve also read so many different “stances” you can take. From spanking, to ignoring her. But nothing is working. And my husband can’t always be with us, so I can’t depend on him to be the disciplinarian every time she acts up. I need to figure out how to get control of my own kid. Because currently, she’s controlling me, and that’s just not how these roles are suppose to work. I’m the parent here, right?!

Loved

Have you ever just sat back and thought about how many people your child interacts with on a daily basis? From adults to other children? Until recently, I never really took the time to appreciate how much help and kindness she (and we) receive. But now that I fully recognize and acknowledge it, I can’t help but count my blessing. Emery will never go without anything. And this makes my heart really happy.

Among these amazing people are my parents and our babysitter. When we needed a roof over our heads, my parents gladly gave up their bed for us. And then they helped us make the guest house livable. Right after I had Emery, my husband wasn’t working, and they helped us by buying extra food, diapers, wipes, bottles, clothes, and formula when the time came. Even now, they are constantly taking Emery out for a night or helping us with diapers, clothes, and food. Our daughter has an expanding collection of clothes, and shoes that surpasses even my own. And their generosity is not just with her. In fact, sometimes I have to tell them that they don’t need to buy us anything because they'll come home with bags of stuff for all of us.

Next is our babysitter. She and her family have become a part of our family. Currently, she only watches Emery three days out of the week, but I still pay her for a whole week. You have no idea how much I had to struggle with her to take my money either. Most of the time I had to be sneaky about this. Slipping an extra $20 in her purse, or gathering Emery’s things, and laying the envelope at the table before bolting. One time I wasn’t fast enough and she chased me down. She always tells me:

“We love her like our own. 

 We love having her here, because she lights up our lives.

 Don’t need any extra money.”

And I’m thinking “Wow, seriously?” I love my daughter but there’s no hiding that she’s a handful. I would even go as far as to say spoiled. She has a bit of a temper, a knack for tantrums, and she’s very demanding. But our babysitter says that she’s not like that with them. This is probably because they give her, her hearts desire. But they all reassure me that they are happy to have her. Even her husband greets her every morning gushing about “his princess”. And Emery loves the attention. Recently they went on vacation, and before they left they took her out to lunch in town. Then they cut their trip short and called me the night they arrived back in town to make sure I would be dropping her off with them the next morning. That right there, is mind blowing.

Then we have the random people we see while out shopping or running errands. There isn’t a single time where someone doesn’t come up to us and let us know how beautiful or “full of light” our daughter is. She gives out hugs, and for the most part she does behave. She says “please” and “thank you”. Some people say that they’ve never seen such manners on someone so young. And I don’t know how many times she’s turned some macho men into peek-a-boo playing softies. Seriously. I may be a bit biased but my kid (when not screaming her lungs out) is kind of awesome.

I appreciate all of this. I appreciate everyone that shows her love, and kindness. I appreciate everyone that has helped us out, given us a chance, and accepted us. Without any of them, I have no idea what we would have done or how things would have played out. But, I’m so thrilled to have so many people in our lives that truly love us. I’m so happy that Emery gets to grow up around all of this because I know that there are children out there that don't, and that's such a sad thing.