What We've Been Up To

Things have been a  bit rough & a lot  busy around here lately. We've had some things broken into and stolen. Some things were valuable and others were more along the "sentimental value" line. After everything, it turns out not much can be done. We've issued a report but the chances of anything being found are slim to none. I feel pretty violated and a lot angry though. I know it's going to take some time before I can completely let go of this. But, we are safe and that's what matters.

My babysitter is leaving for a month to visit family in Mexico before school starts back up. Thankfully, my sister-in-law became available to take care of Emery when we need her to. That said, my husband was recently let go in a lay off so we are AGAIN back down to a one income family. I think that's the most stressful part about this whole ordeal. We are nowhere near financially stable and school is right around the corner. Without a second income, I might not be able to continue. We simply cannot afford the gas for my trips on one income. And I refuse to take anymore money from my parents. My stomach has been in knots since I found out about the layoff. I know that I always say that things happen in their own time and for their own reasons. But, I feel like everything always falls on my shoulders and sometimes I just can't hold it all together.  I just wish I could catch a break, you know? I guess I should be thankful though. I did have a month of extra money, and that in turn helped me alleviate some of the stress, even if just for a moment.

Emery, is doing really well. She's all about running, puzzles, and horses right now. The carnival is in town so this past weekend we were able to take her out for a night. She was so excited, and she rode every ride her height allowed her to at least twice. The entire time she was on the Ferris Wheel, she was standing up and looking over the bucket with this huge smile on her face. My little girl is pretty fearless. We've also finally taken down her toddler bed and set up a twin bed in her room. Something about a real mattress had her all kinds of excited. I on the other hand have been a complete baby about the situation. She hasn't had a chance to sleep in it through the night because I always wake up around 2 a.m. and bring her into our bed. I guess I'm just having a hard time letting go. I miss her snuggling up next to me, and I'm also terrified she's going to fall off the bed (it's a good ways down you know?). Alas, my husband is putting his foot down, and as of today I can't go bringing her into our room unless SHE wakes up and does it on her own. Or, if she falls off. I'm a complete mess over it, but I know it's something that I need to let happen. It's time.

On Sunday we had some family and friends down which was nice. Emery had some more cousins she was able to play with so she had a blast. And I was able to visit with everyone, relax, and enjoy some yummy food. With everything going on, I was so grateful for that time. One of my aunt's from Georgia was here and we were able to talk about some of the changes I've been wanting to make in my life. She gave me some great advice, and it was refreshing to hear someone else's perspective on my situation. I'm not even close to deciding anything, but it helped to be able to talk about things. Sometimes, I just need a sounding board, and my aunt was pleased to be just that for me.

So that's what's been going on. Things at work have picked up a lot too. I find myself pretty busy for the most part. We don't have much planned for the rest of the week, but I am excited to finally be getting the rest of my house cleaned out. I spent my Monday cleaning, clearing, and putting things into a storage shed. I was able to get rid of a lot of Emery's toys, and still have a few more I need to pack up. So I guess the rest of my week/end will consist of that. Sorry that I've been MIA a lot lately, but life kind of just happened. Our days have been filled with a lot lately, and sometimes when I sit down to type up a post I come up blank. But we're still here! And even though our situation isn't ideal I'm trying to be positive about it. So, until next time, hope you all have a LOVELY Wednesday!

Listen

Where'd My Baby Go?

Since my husband is working, and very rarely gets time off, Emery and I spend a lot of time together. But to a three year old, how exciting can running errands really be? So, every now and then I like to do something a little extra special for her. Whether it be an ice cream trip, visiting the local flea market, or walking around the park, I like to get some quality one-on-one time with her. I know this might sound horrible, but sometimes I get caught up in so many other things that I miss out on really hearing my daughter. I wish this weren't the case, but every day stress kind of kicks my ass sometimes.

So, last Sunday I took Emery to go watch Epic in 3D for a day date. When we have this time I make sure to silence my phone, play music she requests during the drive, and allow her to pick what we do/get depending what we end up doing. Since we were seeing a movie I held her so she could pay for our tickets, which she was so proud of. I allowed her to pick out snacks she wanted and the popcorn. They have this kid pack at our local theater and she was walking around with her own bucket telling anyone that would listen that she had “Yummy popcorn, hurray!” Once in the theater we found an empty row and she insisted on sitting in her own chair. During the movie it was so neat to see her reactions. She’d giggle, or frown. Sometimes she’d let out this loud, infectious, laugh and quickly cover her mouth. Some of the other adults enjoyed that. But before the end of the movie she found herself in my lap. Once the movie finished, she made her way out dancing and twirling. She kept telling me that the movie was “So, awesome, mom!”. 

Once it was time to go home, she wasn't too thrilled. In fact, she cried the first five minutes of our trip home telling me “I don’t want to go home, Mommy!” and "Go back to town! I want to go back!” When I told her that we had to go home, and I wasn't turning around she became quiet. At first I took this as acceptance. She had finally understood that she wasn't changing my mind. But then I asked her “Love, what do you want to listen to?” I received no answer. So, I repeated my question. And do you want to know what she said? She stared right out the window and said “Don’t talk Mom. I don’t talk to you. You made me mad.” She rode in silence halfway home and then fell asleep for the last half of it.

Now, I know that’s not ideal behavior. And I know it shouldn't be rewarded. It wasn't  But I couldn't help but smile, and laugh (silently) at her a little. She reminded me so much of a teenager! And she reminded me A LOT of myself in that moment. Growing up, when I didn't get my way or when I was upset, I’d just shut down. I didn't want to talk, or listen to music. I didn't want someone to try to make me feel better, because I knew it wouldn't help. I just needed my space. Emery’s usually pretty vocal about how she feels. What she does/doesn't like. But, I know that Emery can’t always articulate how she’s feeling. And sometimes her reactions are more along something her father would do. However, like I've said many times before, she’s a perfect mix of us both. And sometimes I just know how she’s feeling. So when she said that, I knew she was really upset. She didn't want comfort she just needed her space. So, I gave it to her.

Once she fell asleep, I remember just saying “Wow, you’re just like your mother.” It’s so true. But I also couldn't help but notice how grown up she’s becoming. Her legs are long, and she’s growing into her baby cheeks. The look she had on her face as she gazed out the window had me wishing I could read her mind. What was my little girl thinking about in those moments? She’s so vocal for her age, and sometimes her vocabulary seems pretty advanced. She’s becoming her own little person. No longer my tiny little bundle of baby breath, and tiny hands. It’s crazy to think about. Before long, the conversation above will include phrases like “You never let me do anything!” or “You’re ruining my life!” and trust me when I say I’m sooo not ready for that. But it’s coming. This little incident felt kind of like a preview. And I’m not going to lie, it left me feeling incredibly sad because I couldn't help but wonder where’d my baby go? :(

Quick Question - Is My Age Not Showing?

Do I look 16 to you?

A few weekends ago we went to go see Fast & Furious 6. Hot guys, fast cars, and Michelle Rodriguez. How could you say no to that?? Any ways, we went in and it was pretty packed so instead of sitting at the very front (which really sucks) I made my way to sit next to this guy who had 2 empty seats by him. Let me rephrase, he was a boy. A tall one, but still a boy. I could tell right off that he couldn't be more than 15 years old. About half way through the movie he looked over at me, leaned closer, and asked “How old are you?” I looked over and got a really good look at his face and had to hold back a chuckle. I said “Oh, sweetie, how old are you?” and he replied with “I’m 14.” That’s about when my friend Olivia stifled a laugh. But I still heard it. I looked back at the boy and said “Umm, well, I’m 25.” His neck snapped forward so fast I almost almost laughed out loud. But then, he surprised me by turning back to me and saying “Really? 25? You look like you’re 16.” At that, I did laugh out loud and shook my head. I turned back to the screen and that’s when he leaned over and said “Well, I just wanted to tell you that you’re really pretty.” I told him that he was sweet and gave him a thank you. By the end of the movie he jumped out of his seat and Olivia was practically rolling on the floor laughing.

Then, this past weekend I made a solo trip to our local entertainment store to return some things that hadn't worked for me. I had some trash in my car that I decided I should throw out by the entrance trash can before heading in. Sitting there were two boys. BOYS. Neither could be older than 16. And as I went up to the trash can, I noticed one of them was looking me up and down. He watched me the entire time I walked up to the bin. As I walked away he said “Hey! I like your shirt.” I thought this was pretty strange but said “Uh, thanks?” as I walked off. And that’s when his friend laughed, smacked him upside the head, and said “Wow! Nice shirt? That’s the best you could come up with? Dumbass.” He shrugged and just gave me a wave.

Now, I don’t know if you call that being hit on these days or what? It’s been awhile. But still, I look at myself and I don’t see 16. Hell, I don’t even see 23 anymore! I spend a lot of time dressing for comfort and I wear clothes that aren't always “in”. On that movie night I had on jeans and a solid black tank top. Is that still cool? My hair is either up or down. I don’t do anything fancy with it. And did I mention, more often than not I look tired? Regardless of how much sleep I've had. So, for the most part I feel like I’m 25 going on 60. And I don’t do much to hinder that from being projected outwardly on some days. And when I do put an effort into getting dressed up it usually screams “MOM” anyway. My brother told me this. So yea, to be told I look younger than what I am, when I feel like I could keel over at any moment, well that lifted my spirits up a little bit. Even if I don’t see it, and even though the compliments were coming from preteens. Ha! Still, I did feel a bit weird about it. These were kids. Children! I don't think either of those situations could have been anything but awkward! Right? I wonder if other people feel like that or if I'm just being weird by feeling awkward about it? Does that even make sense? Ha! Damn, I'm getting old.

Strong Influences

I'm all for female empowerment. I feel that Emery should be raised with the reality that she can accomplish anything she puts her mind to regardless of her gender. So long as she works hard for it, and earns it fairly the world is her oyster. I also want her to know that when it comes time for relationships that she should always approach them with the idea of companionship and friendship in mind. Not because she feels like she needs someone to "survive". But most importantly, I want her to embrace herself for whoever she becomes.

I grew up having a very independent mind frame. In a lot of ways I’m just like my mother and in others we are polar opposites. So for the longest time I just assumed I was like this because of her. It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized I had gotten some of that mind set from my father. Now, don’t take that as me saying my mother is weak; she’s anything but. And in fact, I only came to this realization AFTER talking with her about who I got my personality from. She told me that I was a perfect combination of the two, but the characteristics that shone through the most (because they were the ones on the surface) were the ones I got from my father.

My mother says this is because we had a lot of strong influences in our lives from both a man and a woman. Growing up I saw a man who worked hard to provide for his family. I witnessed my father quit drinking from one day to the next in order to be involved in our lives. There wasn't a single game, contest, play, or meet that he missed. We may not have always had the nicest or most expensive things but we never went without. We also had a mother who knew her children weren't perfect and never claimed them to be. She said at first she had no idea how to handle us, but eventually she grew to learn how to proudly support and defend our differences. Whether it was my “goth” phase or my brothers “girl-jean” wearing phase she was the first to step up to the plate and allow us to expresses ourselves.

Having all of this strength being displayed in our lives made us who we are today. Because of them I can say that I am so proud of my upbringing. When my mom thought something was a little too rough for a girl, my dad was there to reassure her that I was fully capable of achieving it. When my dad thought my brother might be gay, my mom was there to remind him that it didn't matter because they loved him either way. And looking back on it all I’m proud that men played just as big of a role in shaping who I am, as women did. This is exactly what I want for Emery. I want her to grow up knowing that strength comes in all forms & genders. I want her to know that she’ll always have our love. And I want her to know that whatever she chooses to do, we’ll be right there behind her. Both the men and women in her life. No matter what.

Thankfully, I have the most amazing family in the world. And so far, they're helping me achieve just this. :) 

Wordless Wednesday

That Went By Fast

This picture has nothing to do with this post. :) 

Did last week fly by for any of you? Not only did it seem to fly by for me but it was also a busy one. Hence me being MIA. I definitely took advantage of the three day weekend before it, but that still wasn't enough time it seems. The weather was pretty crappy too so we didn't get out much which meant a lot of our time was spent sitting on the couch watching Netflix. If I have to watch Princess and the Pony one more time I’m gunna scream.

A few little things that happened over the weekend consist of my daughter finally being baptized. I’ll write more about that later. My brother took plenty of pictures that I have to go through tonight. Our lovey friend Olivia finally came back for the summer. We get two months with her before she's off to Tokyo for TWO YEARS. I foresee many adventures coming soon. And I was also hit on by a 14 year old on Saturday while having a “girls night” with said friend. Yes, the poor boy was slightly embarrassed, and Liv was highly amused. I’ll definitely write about that experience later as well.

I haven’t gone for a run in over a week, and I’m starting to get a little irritated about that. I guess when you rely on that alone time to just “decompress” for the day it really sucks when you go without? I've finally decided to start eating more raw foods this month. And I'm hoping to finally get back into a regular workout routine. As much as I wish I could go without a scale to track my progress the husband has requested one to track his. And as we all know, that's just temptation and I have little self control. So, I'm sure I'll go back to sharing my weight loss/gain. Also, last month I really thought about and finally made a few decisions in regards to school. I still have to talk to an adviser before next semester starts but I feel like everything is going rather smoothly. Fingers crossed that my plan is a doable one. If not, well, I'll just take it n stride and try to figure something else out.

I tried to finish up some paper work at the office, and not vomit today. I've been going at it for the past 30 minutes. It seems my little condition is turning into a really HUGE pain in the ass. I’m left feeling really lousy, and drained by the end of the day. I'm guessing one of my medications is not cooperating well with my anemia because I'm still on a multivitamin supplement but my energy level has taken a nose dive. Thankfully, I get to change things up next week so I'm hoping that solves the issue and I'll start feeling better again. And that about wraps up this half assed post for Monday. Forgive, I’m running on very little sleep. Hope y'all are having an awesome start to your week! Until next time!

Listen