"Managing" Some Lows

Written on 9.25.25

Currently, I’m on my lunch break. Pumping, answering emails, and figuring out our budget in between bites of food. I’ve looked up several financial counseling services with a plan to call at least two of them to see if we can get some help. More on that later. It’s been a relatively long day, and I could really use a nap. Though I doubt I would actually take one if given the opportunity.

I’ve been feeling the pull of depression again. Low energy. Sobbing in the shower. Crying as I walk through the grocery store. Closing myself off socially. Not putting effort into my appearance. Not wanting to leave the house. Not wanting to clean or do laundry. Feeling like a failure. Giving the bare minimum at work. Feeling overwhelmingly sad. And having frequent intrusive thoughts. I’ve also had a few days where it physically hurt to get out of bed. Anything I have in the tank goes to my kids, and then as everyone settles in for the night, I crash out emotionally. The mask comes off, and I’m sitting on a pile of emotions I’d rather not deal with. It feels hard to breathe. Internally, I am screaming.

If you’ve been here long enough, you know I was diagnosed with depression as a teenager and anxiety in my 20s. Well, a few years ago, I started running and exercising as healthy ways to manage my symptoms. The more I did those things, the less I experienced low points, and eventually I was able to be taken off my medication. And for several years now, I’ve managed my symptoms with movement and getting outdoors. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to consistently run in a long time. And with current schedules, it will be a bit longer before I can even attempt to return to a normal running/workout schedule. So, my main coping techniques and stress outlets have been removed.

Knowing that, this would probably be the time for me to set up an appointment to see my therapist and then ask my doctor to place me back on medication. A band-aid, if you will. However, we are in such a crappy financial situation that I have to be very selective about what I spend on. Currently, counseling and medication are at the bottom of the priority list. Plus, I'm still breastfeeding, so I won't take anything that could negatively impact my son's health. Which means that instead of dealing with everything, I dissociate. I chip away at what I can, and try not to worry about the next thing. I tell myself that this won’t last forever. God will help us get through it. I tell myself to hold it together a little bit longer, and the help will come. I pray for my husband, my children, and our health. I breathe in and out. I unclench my jaw, and I get on with my day.

Pregnancy // Why We Wanted Privacy

📷: Credit

“Why are you hiding your pregnancy?” “Why are you not announcing it?” “Aren’t you happy about this baby? Why won't you tell anyone?” These are just a few questions that have been asked. As I wrote in my last post, we requested privacy but it didn’t go as planned. Today, I wanted to shed some light on our reasons for this request. But first, let me say that we are NOT ashamed of this pregnancy. Nor are we disappointed. If you’ve been here for a while you know that a baby is something we have wanted for a few years now. We’ve prayed and begged for this blessing. So, we are beyond thrilled and excited for this new addition. And behind closed doors, we celebrate this little gift that God has sent us. Our desire for privacy and the decision to not disclose the news of my pregnancy for as long as possible came from a different place entirely.

Pregnancy // What’s Best for Us

Corey and I desired privacy about our pregnancy for as long as we could have it. We had our reasons, which I’ll go over in another post, but we agreed to share the news when we both felt ready. In the meantime, the plan was to inform our immediate family after we hit 12 weeks. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen and we ended up telling our parents and siblings much earlier. We asked that everyone keep this information private until we felt it was okay for extended family to know. While most of our family was respectful of this, our news was disclosed to several people (including strangers outside of our family) when I was 12 weeks along. This left me feeling angry, and upset. And it caused some family conflict.

Now, I know that pregnancy hormones heavily influenced my initial reaction. However, I still believe I had a valid reason to be upset. From one day to the next, it was as if our news was no longer ours to share. Instead of having ample time to process upcoming changes, it felt like we were now doing things on someone else’s timeline. This person was sharing our news while we were still trying to find answers for certain things that were happening with my body, and while we were waiting on results for our testing. To top it off, I had also been experiencing some depression due to the drastic hormone changes. This does happen to some women, especially those who have a history of depression. So, not only was I dealing with pregnancy symptoms, and my mental health, but I was also having to deal with our news being disclosed before we were ready for others to know about it. This added stress caused me to experience a good amount of anxiety for a few weeks. I stayed at home a lot. I wore compression wear anytime I went out. And if the subject of pregnancy was brought up, I would either talk around it or straight up deny being pregnant if it was asked.

Thankfully, I limited communication with the person I felt had betrayed our trust. Even if just temporarily. That break allowed me to focus on myself, my mental health, and the information that I was receiving at my appointments. I was able to rest and prioritize movement. I also focused on my home and my family. Stepping away also allowed me to avoid stressful situations with this person I didn’t feel I was ready to handle. Most importantly, I took this time to let go. I spent a lot of time praying for guidance and help to move on from what was being done. Because, in the end, I can’t stop people from going against our wishes. I can’t stop people from disregarding our requests. However, I can set boundaries and limit communication with them. I can control how I react to them, and the information I give them. And I can limit the amount of time they spend with me or my family. People don’t have to like this, and I’m sure some will think I’m being dramatic. But I intend to make decisions based on what’s best for my family, this baby, and myself.

📷: Credit

Better Boundaries

If I’m being honest, I was never really good at establishing boundaries or enforcing them. If you read back far enough on this blog, during my first marriage, it’s very apparent. While I would consider myself a strong person who got through some pretty rough times, I often wonder if outcomes would have been different had I enforced boundaries. Would I be different too? And well, I try not to get lost in that train of thinking because it’s in the past - there’s no going back there. But, sometimes I do wonder, what if?

Now, since my divorce and remarriage, I feel that I have gotten better at establishing boundaries. However, I do still find myself letting people push past them. Or, sometimes, even completely disregard them. And after my last little emotional breakdown, due to someone completely disregarding a boundary that I had verbally set, repeatedly. I decided that this needed to stop. So, the subject of boundaries is at the forefront of my mind these days.

I started reading the Boundaries series by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. And when I say read, I mean listening to the audiobook version on my way to and from work. It’s been pretty insightful. And sometimes, it feels like I’m being called out. In a good way. I’ll pause the book to let some of the information sink in. Sometimes, I’ll deny my guilt before the realization that I am actually guilty of the action or inaction being talked about hits me. Other times, I can smile with pride knowing that I've actually been implementing something correctly. It’s been eye-opening, to say the least.

So, the lesson I’m learning, is that I have no one to blame but myself. I am responsible for myself, my feelings, and my reactions. And no one can fix the issues but me. Whether that means speaking up more often or following through with consequences after people repeatedly disregard my boundaries. It’s all up to me. Now it can get difficult when dealing with family - your own or the one you married into. It can also be difficult to have boundaries with your partner, spouse, or even your children. And honestly, boundaries won’t all look the same for everyone. For example, my boundaries with my husband will be different from those I have with my daughter. And those will look completely different from the ones I establish with in-laws. But they are still important to have to create healthy, strong, and loving relationships.

I'll try to write a more in-depth post once I've finished this book.  For now, I look forward to learning more about boundaries. I’ve talked about them before, and I’ve loosely applied certain principles. However, life lately has been a bit of a rollercoaster, and I’m really interested in learning how to cultivate and maintain healthy boundaries with everyone in my life. Not just for my benefit, but their’s as well.

Hard Things

Lately, I've been feeling really sad when I have no reason to be. Some days I wake up and everything is perfectly fine! I listen to my podcasts. I sing my happy songs. Emery and I pray as we head to school; then I make my way to work. I talk to my sisters for a bit as I start making headway in my daily tasks. Coffee in hand, music playing. I usually get into a pretty good groove. But then, on most days, I start to feel emotional. I feel overwhelmed, sad, resentful, and a little panicked. I find myself wanting to go home and crawl right back into bed. I don't want to move. I don't want to do anything, really. And that's when the tears start.

Now, I've been down this road so many times. Depression really has a way of draining you. And while normally I can keep things in check, lately it's been a lot harder. I know what some of my triggers have been this time around. Some of the hard things causing me to feel like my world is crumbling. But even though I know, my brain doesn't seem to get the memo. And so, almost every day at some point, no matter how great it starts off, I find myself in this deep hole of sadness. It becomes really hard for me to get back into a positive headspace and then I take it home. Which I know isn't fair, but at the same time, some of the hard stuff is rooted there. And that can make things feel even more overwhelming to deal with. It's just easier to smile, and nod my head. Go through the motions. But who wants that?  

Recently, I've heard things like, "You're here but you're really not" and "Mom, why do you look so sad? Is everything okay?" And that kind of makes me feel worse. Because it means I'm not really holding things together. I'm not at my best and it's affecting the people I care about. So, it's clear to me that I have to do something. I'm exercising again after a two-week break so I'm hoping that helps. I've started taking Vitamin D again as my gynecologist said I was deficient - again. I've started setting aside a few minutes every day to pray on my own and really lay my heart out there. I've also started journaling once a week to hopefully purge the feelings. And I'm really hoping that all of this helps because lately, I've also been thinking a lot about getting placed back on anti-depressants. While I'm not a fan of how they make me feel after the first two or three months it may be something that needs to happen in order for me to feel better. To be better. To pick me back up again. 

The hope is that I can do this on my own though. While I'm a huge advocate for mental health, therapy, and medications when you need them I also know myself pretty well. Like I mentioned early I know WHAT is triggering me. I know WHY I'm all of a sudden feeling this way. I just can't seem to get my head and feelings on the same page. And in my situation, I know that medication is a band-aid. One that takes the discomfort away, but also leaves me feeling like an empty shell. So, I'm really trying to avoid that. I need to be able to deal with the WHAT and the WHY if I ever want to feel better. So, I guess what I'm really trying to say out of all of this, is that I'm currently going through a bit of a rough patch. And I could really use some prayers and/or good vibes. It's all appreciated. I know I'll be okay and I have some really great people by my side too. In the end, I know that the hard things will pass. Right now, I'm just needing to let this all out. Because putting it out there, and acknowledging that this is real...well, it helps. 💛

Take a Break

Yesterday, I was feeling this mix of sadness and happiness right when I woke up. As I was fixing coffee and shouting about the misplacement of pants that didn’t get washed I started crying. In that brief little moment, I felt defeated. Over what? I have no idea. But we made it out the door in record time! My makeup was done, Em's had all of her stuff ready, and I was actually really proud of us. Then during the day, I had these feelings of anxiety and frustration. I felt restless and discontent. “I need to move, I need to get out.” I thought to myself. When lunchtime finally rolled around those thoughts quickly dissipated and they were replaced by this sudden rush of motivation. I sat at the red light thinking, “You’ve got this! It’s a new week. You’re going to have a great rest of your day. And you’re going to get some stuff done. Not just at work, but at home too. You can do this!” Then, as the workday came to an end I felt tired and ready for bed. Dreading the list of chores I knew were waiting for me at home. And this made me think about the amount of work it takes for some people to just get out of bed every morning. Trust me I have been there, countless times. The struggle to just get through one task at a time. How putting one foot in front of the other is mostly done for the sake of others. Then our minds end up working against us, and everything just feels so heavy. I remember. 

And I know some people may feel much worse. I know my little problems may not even be a blip in someone else's life. But today, I wanted to jump on here really quickly to say that if you’re feeling a little low, it's okay. If you’re feeling overwhelmed or tired, it's okay. If you want to go home and do nothing besides getting some rest, do it. If you aren’t feeling 100% yourself, that's okay. It’s fine if you need to sit and cry for a while too. Let it out. I know that when you’re in the thick of it you may feel like it’s never-ending, but I can tell you that eventually, it does stop. Whether it’s due to therapy, a change in the season, getting some exercise, or even speaking with your doctor about being put on medication- either short or long term- there are ways to feel better. You CAN feel better. With some work and patience, the hard days can become few and far between. And don't ever listen to anyone who says "Just suck it up." They don't get it, probably never will, and that's okay too. You are in charge of yourself. Not them. 

And I say all of this because I need to hear it too. On days like yesterday, when I felt all of these emotions building up. Feeling the weight of these unrealistic expectations I had set. Having these "flashback" types of feelings from days when a bit of sadness devolved into a deep depression. Well, it was all building up again and I felt like I really needed a break. So, I decided that’s what I would do. I went home and cuddled up on the couch with Corey. I put aside the school work that could wait another day. We went grocery shopping without a list while Em was at dance. Then when we got home we watched some TV while eating spaghetti and Em gained some extra screen time for doing her laundry. The dishes remained in the sink afterward and I took the pants out of the dryer. The pants are still in the laundry room. I took a shower, listened to an episode of a podcast, and then went to sleep. And that’s what I needed. I needed an afternoon of not NEEDING to do something. Today, I‘ll let the stress come back. I’ll grumble about the dishes. I’ll stress over my homework. But yesterday. Yesterday, I did what I needed to make sure that I was okay. To take a bit of a "time out" from all of the chaos and worry. And today, I’m feeling much better. I’m ready to hit the ground running. So, if you find yourself needing a break too - take it. Rest. Recharge. You've got this. 

Weight Loss - Weigh In // November 2020

Well, look at that! It’s November. We had a pretty great Halloween over in our neck of the woods. Dia de los Muertos was on Sunday and then All Souls Day was on Monday. I prayed for my grandpa and those we’ve lost recently. Spent some time reflecting on this new season and what my hopes were for the last two months of 2020. Now unless you’re living under a rock, today is ELECTION DAY, so this is my gentle reminder for you to go out and vote. I don’t care which side you’re on. And whatever happens, I hope that everyone can remain peaceful. Anywho, before I get sidetracked into a very different kind of post, let's get on with this month’s weigh-in, shall we? 

Starting Weight (SW): 189 lbs 

Current Weight (CW): 194.0 lbs 

Goal Weight (GW): 160 lbs

Eating Habits- I switched up my intermittent fasting method to 16:8. And since we usually have later evenings my eating window has shifted as well. I now eat between noon and 8pm. Sunday through Thursday. My day looks something like this: Breakfast - Coffee w/ almond milk creamer, Lunch - Protein shake w/ a small snack, Dinner - A meat w/ two sides. I do my best to eat at least one vegetable with my main dish. I also drink between 40 - 60 oz of water per day. 

Fitness Progress- Yikes! This I have been terrible at. I have no idea where people find the time? Since COVID, my gym is only open from 6am to 9pm. And even though that’s a nice window, it’s not a wide enough one for our daily schedules. So, I have decided to take up outdoor running again. I know, with the weather & time change, this is such impeccable timing. But I need to do something. Like I said previously, I’m wanting to get some movement in daily. That’s my goal. No monthly challenges. No time or distance goals. Just get up and get going. I did my first short run last night. 

Mental Health- I am struggling in this area. It probably doesn’t help that we’ve just entered a seasonal change and daylight savings time ended. And let me clarify, I'm talking about my mindset when it comes to self-image, motivation for working out, changing eating habits, and thinking that I can actually lose weight. So, when there’s no progress in my weight loss journey I end up feeling worse, and unfortunately, it can really bum me out. That's why I’ve decided to increase my Ashwagandha intake from 1 capsule to 2 per day. See if that helps? If I still feel the same after two months or it gets worse and starts affecting other areas of my mental health, I’ll contact my doctor. 

In conclusion, we’re off to a very slow start. I clearly have a lot of areas that I need to work on. I’m also going to start scheduling workout/run days on our family calendar so everyone knows that I have to have that time blocked off. And I’m going to try cleaning up my eating a bit more. Just a smidge. I’ll be switching up my regular lunch shake to a vegan protein shake with a few added supplements to see if it helps overall. Oh! And if you’re in search of a simple, clean, intermittent fasting app I highly recommend ZERO*. Alright, well, wish me luck! And Happy November!🍂

*Not being paid; just really love it! 

Weight Loss - Weigh In // October 2020

Starting all over. Again. You would think that at some point I would get tired of the up and down. The beginning of a journey and then its subsequent failure. Of the constant yo-yo in weight and negative body image that came with it. Of the excuses. And yet, here we are! For a while now, I’ve struggled with hormone issues. Though no one could actually pinpoint what the problems were, there were inconsistencies in my blood work. Every time. I’d have one doctor tell me it was a thyroid issue. Another said that all of my problems would go away if I just stopped eating “wheat”. Auto-Immune disease was brought up at another appointment. Then at my latest visit, with yet another doctor, I was told that I was perfectly healthy but my body was continuously producing a stress hormone. 

Apparently (supposedly), I have a case of “chronic stress”. This is causing my body to stay in “fight or flight” mode which makes me overproduce cortisol - among other things. And because of this, I won’t be able to lose weight until I get it under control. The problem is that there's no straightforward way to do that. My doctor suggested a few supplements and told me to cut back on others. Then I was told to keep exercising and hope that I’d eventually stop being so “stressed out”. I’d need to go back in four to six months to have more blood work done to check on my progress. So, here we are ladies and gents! I’m praying that this is the final and official “diagnosis” for me. That my new supplement regimen paired with a good exercise routine helps me to drop some weight and feel better. So, yes. Here’s to starting over. Again. 

Starting Weight (SW): 189 lbs 

Current Weight (CW): 193.4 lbs 

Goal Weight (GW): 160 lbs

Eating Habits- I’m currently doing the 14:10 intermittent fasting. Though I’m not super strict with it on some days because there are times when we eat dinner around 7:30 or right at 8. I eat three meals a day. I’m allowed two small snacks and one 8 oz cup of coffee. Breakfast is usually a smoothie but on days when I feel really hungry, I opt for oatmeal. Lunch is a protein shake. And then I have a regular dinner. 

Fitness Progress- Workout routines are...crap. My schedule is all over the place and it’s hard for me to have set days to work out. So, for now, I try to work out three times a week, in no particular order. But honestly, as long as I’m getting some movement in my day, I call it good for now. 

 

Mental Health- I am so frustrated with myself right now. I’m angry at the fact that more often than not when I look in the mirror I walk away feeling really low. I don’t like what I see and it carries over into how I think/speak to myself. I’m annoyed with my daily lack of motivation. And I’m tired of having to test out supplement after supplement. There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t feel like just giving up. And, I’m so frustrated with this whole process. Mentally, I’m struggling with being positive when it comes to weight loss or better eating habits. But I’m trying. And that’s really all I can do. 

In conclusion, this girl has a lot of work to do. But I feel like we’re off to an okay start. I keep telling myself that these changes have to be thought of as lifestyle changes. Because of that, I’m just doing a few things at a time instead of going all out right from the start. Clearly, that’s never worked for me before. So, I hope this all finally leads up to some weight loss. And to some better mental health days. ✌ 

The Night Before Lent

I'm feeling some type of way tonight. Like everything is moving really fast, but also, not fast enough. I'm having to tell myself, more often than not, to slow down. Enjoy where life is currently taking me. Be present in the now. Don't rush this, you're fine. But as I sit here I'm also thinking about ten other different things going on, my leg won't stop bouncing, and I'm feeling slightly claustrophobic. I'm worried about the sacrifices that tomorrow will bring and whether I'll have the discipline to follow through with everything I feel is being asked of me. If I'll be strong enough to get through this Lent season. 

This year, for Lent, I decided to give up Facebook again. Last year, I deactivated my account and there was so much peace felt during that time. It's amazing what a "social media" break can actually do for you. Even when you're not on there very often, it can still feel like an addiction of sorts. Or a time suck. And this year, I'm craving that peace again. However, on top of that, I'll also be doing an elimination diet. A slightly altered, Autoimmune Protocol Diet. I've been having issues with my weight again, and just the way my body feels in general. So bloated and stretched beyond capacity. I want to dedicate this Lent to trying my best to fix the issues in a more natural way. I want to hand all of this over to God because I'm just so tired of the health issues. I'm tired of the yo-yo weight problems. I'm tired of feeling tired. And this is my year of healing. So, I'm handing it over to Him. But y'all, these next two weeks are going to be hell. Cutting out coffee alone will probably send me into withdrawals. So, I'm not looking forward to it, even though I know it's necessary. 

I've also picked back up on my therapy sessions. I had a nice "catch up" session with my therapist last week, and there was a lot of new information that we had to navigate through. I swear, his pen didn't stop moving that entire hour. What I realized though, was how uncomfortable I felt sitting there. Fidgety. But not in a negative way. More of a "Uggh, he's hitting some nerves and I don't like it," kind of way. This means that it was definitely time to sit my passive-aggressive, reality avoiding, anxiety-prone ass back on that couch. It was time for me to start letting all of what I had bottled up inside of me, finally come out. It wasn't until that session, as I sat there clinging to the pillow in my lap and counting each time *Watson tapped his pen on the pad, that I realized just how much I had slipped back into some old habits without even realizing it. And that's not the direction that I want to go. Backward is not an option. So, if I want to take a really good look inward, this is where I need to start. This is where my healing begins.   

*the nickname my sister-in-law uses when talking about my therapist. 

Word of the Year - Healing

January felt like it lasted a long time, didn't it? I think it's funny that we normally complain about the time passing too quickly, but for some reason, January is the month that we can't wait to see come to an end. I mean, why can't we have that same "never-ending" feeling in June or July? Or better yet, OCTOBER. *long sigh* Now that would be wonderful. What I'm personally really excited about is daylight savings time kicking in again though. I know that we still have over a month to go, but y'all, I am ready! More daylight during the day. Spring weather. I can start on my flower beds again, and maybe this time I can figure out how to expand on to the side of my house or even around the trees in my yard. Yes, yes. Exciting stuff, I know. Anyway, lately, things have been pretty great around here. However, my sister-in-law has pointed out that there have been a few things in my past that I've refused to deal with and it's probably hurting me in more ways than one. So, this year, I've decided that my word will be "healing".

There are two specific incidents that happened when I was much younger that I tend to be pretty dismissive about. As my sister tells me, "you tried to justify their actions". And well, she's not technically wrong. I've always taken pride in being sympathetic and, I'd like to think, understanding of other's. After having a conversation with her, and listening to a podcast on the subject, I'm now wondering if I've taken that "understanding" a bit too far. If I've actually allowed my sympathy to turn into excuses to dismiss toxic behavior from others that are directed at me. As in, I allow myself to be treated terribly because I try to understand where they are coming from rather than calling them out for what they did. I look at what their past traumas were and how they could possibly be affecting them now. Then I make excuses for them. I don't hold people accountable. Instead, I internalize it. I throw up walls and then have a really hard time letting people in again. Over time it just added up to more trust issues. More negative self talk. I tell myself, "Oh they don't mean to do that it was just a one-time thing" or "Well, they're just saying that because they don't know any better" as a way to cope with what's going on. However, that's not solving the problem. It's not making things better. Instead, it's allowed them to go on with their lives thinking nothing was wrong and I was left behind to deal with the fallout of their actions. Only, I didn't actually deal with it. I allowed it to chip away at my self-esteem, my self-worth, and my voice. I allowed their actions to hinder other parts of my life. And I just stood by silently. Frozen.   

That's why this year, along with all of the good things coming into my life, I want to start the process of healing. I want this to be the year that I take a really hard look into my past so I can let all of that shit go. I want to forgive those that I never received an apology from. I want to grieve the losses I never fully accepted. I want to feel the walls come down from around my heart. Because I am so tired of feeling trapped. I'm tired of constantly having anxiety attacks. I'm tired of my depression taking over for months at a time. Stealing so much from me. I'm tired of being in "fight or flight" mode 24/7. I'm tired of shoving all of the bad things I don't want to deal with into bottles and trying to hide them away. Those mental shelves are starting to overflow and I can't keep the bottles from falling over for much longer anyway. And if I ever want to be in a good mental place again, to love fully without fear, then I need to start the healing process now. I need to forgive myself for a lot of things I had no control over. And I need to let go of a lot of the baggage I was never meant to carry. That's the only way I'll ever be able to move forward both physically and emotionally. So, here's to a year of finally allowing myself to do just that. Here's to healing. 

Happenings - A Mental Health Update

I had every intention of starting this month off with a solid posting schedule. But then I started to feel really overwhelmed again. I felt like I needed to disconnect and unplug for a little while. Soon after, Emery got sick with a stomach bug for about three days, and of course, it was passed on to me. Before I knew it we were already two weeks into July and I realized just how badly I’d been neglecting this little blog of mine. Thanks for backing that up, Kim. However, on top of being sick, I was also dealing with a really bad case of writer’s block. Brought on by some recent changes. Even now, I honestly feel like I have no words beyond this update, which is super weird for me. The minute I sit down to start writing, or when I go to edit unfinished entries it’s such a struggle to make any kind of progress. Everything goes blank, and I’m left feeling really fucking frustrated. And all that does is make me feel anxious. Which spirals into me feeling like I just can’t get anything right. And that’s when I start to panic. So, instead of letting that cycle startup I just close my laptop and walk away.

About a month ago I started to feel slightly stunted when it came to my "mental health" progress. I felt like I had hit this great big wall. So, I began to read books about life, self-help, verbally abusive relationships, self-image, and codependency. I started to really dive into poetry, podcasts, and Dermot Kennedy’s music. I started attending church regularly and I even started the process of being allowed to receive communion again. This has been something really important for me to achieve. But it wasn't until my last therapy session when I became slightly offended at one of my counselor’s observations that he said, “Think about the ‘why’ behind my observation. How I came to that conclusion. Dig a little bit deeper into the reason behind everything that we’ve talked about today. You’ve almost got it figured out but you’re holding yourself back. You’re so close to that breakthrough I can almost see it. But you close yourself off or ignore the obvious. Now think about ‘why’ you won’t allow yourself to get there.” I walked out of there feeling like my mind was working against me. It was just throwing up these roadblocks left and right which were preventing me from being able to move forward. And so, it was then that I decided - against my doctor’s advice - to *stop taking my antidepressants. 

For an entire week, I went back down to my 20mg dose. And then on the 8th, I stopped taking them altogether. So now, I’m dealing with the effects of coming off of my medication. I’m trying to keep myself in check and so far I think I’m doing a pretty good job. If you know anything about or have ever been on antidepressants yourself then you know that they help to keep you mentally and emotionally balanced. They have a very calming effect too; almost numbing. So, when you stop taking them you have to find other ways to bring that balance and clarity back on your own. And some days or moments can be tougher than others. But this isn’t my first rodeo, y’all. I’ve done all of this before so I know what to expect. I know what signs to look for and what could be considered red flags for me. And even though my doctor wanted me on it for two more months, was completely against me going cold turkey, I let him know what my plan was when I decided to follow through with it. Because of this, I was given an extra refill of my anxiety meds for emergency use only. Did I mention my doctor is actually pretty great and supportive of my goals? And even though I haven’t had to use the script I find comfort in knowing that it's there, like a safety net, if there's an emergency and I really need them. 

So, I feel like this recent transition has played a big part in my lack of motivation. It’s playing a part in my ability to stay focused. It's affecting my thought process which is why I can’t seem to write about anything for a long period of time. And why I leave a lot of things unfinished. It’s played a part in my lack of sleep, and constant body aches. It's basically the same as coming off of drugs. I’ve also caught myself overthinking several things to the point of forgetting what I was originally thinking of in the first place. But I’ve also been feeling things in a more normal way, I think. I don't just float through everything. I’ve also been questioning a lot of things and finally dealing with some stuff that I had been avoiding because I just couldn’t be bothered to “deal with it” before. Thankfully, based on previous experiences, this little limbo usually lasts about a month before everything is completely out of my system. And I usually go back to feeling like my normal non-medicated me again by the end of week three. I’m currently at the halfway point right now. So, there's a light at the end of this muddled tunnel and I'll be glad once I get there.

In the meantime, I've had to put myself first for a bit. Which took the form of inconsistent posts for a little while. It also meant disabling social media accounts to remove unnecessary negativity. And to put a lot of personal things on hold in order to make sure that I’m meeting 100% of my daughter’s needs while also dealing with the emotional rollercoaster that comes with detoxing. And if at any time I decide that it’s best to be back on my medication then that's also a very valid option. Now, this isn't to say that everything has been bad or terrible. It's actually been really great! I've made a lot of progress in other areas of my life that I'm really proud of. Overall, I'm happy, content, and I'm doing things that I like. I've noticed that I smile and laugh a lot more too. Slowly, the weight of everything I've felt on my chest for the past 5+ years is being lifted off of me and I'm so grateful for that. However, what I AM saying is that the aid my medication was meant to provide was starting to taper off. And even though I’ve been diagnosed with depression, my particular diagnosis doesn’t require me to be on medication full-time. For me, antidepressants are like a band-aid meant to help the healing process along. And I finally feel like I'm in a place where I'm ready to move forward with the next step. To take off the band-aid for awhile. It’s time for me to put away the "crutches" and start standing on my own two feet again. So, bear with me while I shake the last bit of fog off, y'all. I'm hoping to be back to posting regularly by next week. Until then, have a great week!  💖

*IF YOU ARE ON MEDICATION PLEASE CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR FIRST BEFORE STOPPING ALTOGETHER. EVERYONE REACTS DIFFERENTLY AND YOUR PRIMARY SHOULD AT LEAST BE INFORMED OF WHAT YOUR PLANS ARE IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY. IF YOU START TO FEEL OFF OR BEGIN HAVING UNUSUAL THOUGHTS PLEASE SEEK HELP RIGHT AWAY, AND RESUME TAKING YOUR MEDICATION UNTIL YOU CAN BE SEEN BY YOUR DOCTOR. 

Weight Loss - Weigh In - June 2019

I normally give a little bit of a rundown on how the month is going before I get into this post, but honestly, we haven’t done much. Things have been relatively quiet around here. I did have a little bit of a disagreement with my daughter’s father over a particular incident, but that’s a post for another time. We also had a little issue with our neighbor’s dog. The little shit bit Emery twice. Thankfully, nothing really bad happened because she’s a small dog and Emery’s an older kid. Still, it did break skin and I ended up filing a police report. So yea, another month, y’all! And now, another weigh-in. Here we go! 

Starting Weight (SW): 189 lbs
Current Weight (CW): 172.4 lbs
Goal Weight (GW): 160 lbs

Just FYI, this is me completely naked - right after waking up - and it's how I do the majority of my weigh-ins.

On the diet front, things have been good. Like I stated in the last post I’ve been doing my own modified version of a low carb diet. I try to keep my carb intake at 100g or less per day. This is still going strong during the week but I’m definitely more lax on the weekends. My water intake is currently sitting pretty at 96oz per day which is just right for me. I’m even getting to a point where I’m not wanting sweet tea as much anymore. I also had a visit with my doctor this month and based on my esophagus issues as well as my thyroid problems he recommended that I try cutting out gluten products. But this bissh loves her pizza and spaghetti so...yea. I may give it a try here in July, but I just don’t know. He said that cutting out bread would help with all of my health issues and ensure that the weight I’m losing stays off. But y’all…..how do I go without pizza…?? Anyway, I’m really pleased with my eating habits at the moment. I’m trying out a new Keto coffee too since I stopped buying the ItWorks kind. I couldn’t taste a major difference but I’ll keep you posted. Now, it feels like it took forever and a day to find a nice balance between the foods I want to eat and the foods I should be eating. But I’m finally getting there, and that’s been a pretty major accomplishment for me.  

Moving right along over to the fitness department. I’m finally getting back to being active. Summer is always a great time for me in this area. I like being able to run outside and breathe in some fresh air. Being able to feel the sun’s heat on my face. So, I’ve started hitting the track at least three times a week. Then I go lift weights at the gym for the other two days. Of course, there are times when I don’t feel like going in 100% but I still make sure to fit in some form of activity. If that means just walking laps around the track, or walking up and down the bleachers for about an hour then that’s what I do. If the only time I get is when we’re out walking the dogs, then I make sure to be out walking for at least thirty minutes. If you struggle with motivation like I do, just know that you don't have to go balls to the wall, when working out. Even something as simple as walking for 20 minutes per day can go a long way. And this is because any kind of movement is better than nothing at all. 

Mentally, I’m feeling pretty good. My anxiety has been kept pretty much at bay lately. During my doctor’s appointment, we also talked about when I’d start scaling back on my medications. At the moment, the game plan is to keep me on them for another two to three months. Then we’ll start the process of weaning me off, and hopefully, I’ll do well on my own. So, in that area, I feel like I’m right on track. This week has been a bit of a strange one for me though. Between my supplements, creams, increase in medication mg’s, and a few nights of very little sleep I’m feeling a little off balance. It’s hard to put into words but it’s almost a little disorienting; out of body. Also, my hormones have been raging, think peak teenage sex drive status, and I’ll be completely honest - it can be very VERY distracting. So, I’m making another round of adjustments to see if switching things up helps tamper this...eh..side effect? And I’m also trying to get back to a 9:30 (ish) bedtime because this lady definitely needs at least six hours of it to function. 

Overall, I’m feeling pretty great! I’m focusing more on just being healthy rather than being “skinny”. I only weigh myself at the end of each month in order to not focus on the numbers. We did do a mid-month weigh-in for our office competition, but other than that I don’t worry about it. This has also been a really great way for me to learn more about my body. From my menstrual cycle to the foods that cause me to bloat and how much sleep I need in order to feel my best. I’m learning more about when my body needs rest, what causes my headaches, and when I can push a workout a bit further. When I start to feel the edges of my anxiety start to flare out I know that I need a good sweat session in order to put that fucker back in its place. When I start to overthink things or feel overwhelmed I know that I need to go for a run or hit the bleachers. Maybe even both. I’ve found this to be a great way for my mind to work through whatever is troubling me. Now, I only have one goal for July and that’s to increase my weekly running mileage. I currently do about three miles of strictly running each week and I want to bump that up to four. So, that’s about all for this month’s progress post. All catch y’all again at the end of July. 🌞

Weight Loss - Weigh In - May 2019

Summer is officially here, y’all! Last week we had the last days of school for our area, and Emery was more than ready for it to be over. We had a lot of stuff to get done before school was out so I was a little MIA. Sorry! We’ve also had some changes at home, and I spent some much needed time smoothing out the transition. There were also some back-to-back storms that rolled through our area last month and they kind of messed with my Wifi. We finally got it all fixed last Friday. This is why I completely spaced on my “weigh in” post for May. So, lucky you, this means that there will be two this month! You’re welcome. Anywho, let’s get started, shall we? 

Starting Weight (SW): 189 lbs
Current Weight (CW): 175.8 lbs
Goal Weight (GW): 160 lbs

On the diet front, I started doing a modified version of low carb. Now, I love pizza and pasta. Tortillas and bread. So, I knew that I didn’t want to give all of it up completely. After consulting my ever knowledgable sister-in-law I decided to try and stick with 100g or less on carbs during the week. On the weekends I would just stick with making healthy choices. So far, I feel like this has made me feel better physically. I’m sticking with it as best as I can, and overall there has been less bloating. I also backed off on my coffee intake. And y’all, that detox was no freakin’ joke. I spent five full days in absolute hell. Another two with some killer headaches. But, I got it done. Last week I did have some days when I consumed coffee, but we are going back off this week. Fingers crossed it won’t be so bad. My water intake has stayed consistent, and overall I’m pleased with that. 

Moving on to fitness. May was not my best month. BUT there was progress. I did spend time walking in the afternoons, and I went to the gym twice a week. I mainly used the treadmill to walk and I’d hop on the elliptical too. I’m trying to get my body used to doing cardio again since I’ve gone so long without. June will be the month that I start building on this progress. I'm hoping to have a nice variety of gym time as well as hitting the track for some good old fashion bleacher sessions. Wish me luck! 

Mentally, May started off rocky. I had a few major changes that I’ll talk about at a later date. There was an adjustment period that I needed to work through. My doctor and I had also increased my medication by a few mg’s and it took a few days to figure out what time frame they needed to be taken at in order for me to not feel complete groggy in the mornings. I’ve still been taking the weight loss pills, but only during the week. They now only keep me really REALLY thirsty. They were not much of an appetite suppressant for very long. About the first three weeks only. And as I spoke about them before, they did not give me any energy. So, at the moment they’re just ensuring that I keep drinking water throughout the day. I go back to speak with my doctor in two weeks about all of the medications I have and when we’ll be starting the process of getting me off of them. We’ll also be doing more blood work and I’m hoping there’s been some improvement with my thyroid as well as my hormones. 

Overall, I’ve been feeling a lot better than I have in a long time. I’ve stayed off of Facebook for the most part since I gave it up for Lent. Updated a few things last night, but that was done on the computer. The APP has been removed from my phone.  The only real social media I use is Instagram. My phone switches over to “Do Not Disturb” earlier than before too. I feel like this has helped me out a lot. I’m focusing more on taking care of myself rather than all of the noise around me. That said, for June I have a few goals I’m hoping to smash. I’m wanting to start running again, and now that Emery is out of school I’m hoping to start a more consistent work out routine. However, I’m more focused on just being active rather than how many calories I’ve burned or the weight that I’m lifting. I’m more focused now on being healthy rather than “skinny”. I feel like my eating habits are pretty solid and established now so I just want to keep going in that area. And then, I'm also planning on finally deleting a few of my social media accounts and possibly deactivating Facebook again soon. So yeah here’s to June y’all! To summer and finally getting some downtime. I hope it's been a great start for everyone so far. 

You Matter; Always

Before I get into this post, let me just say that this is a WARNING as the subject matter could be considered triggering. I’ll briefly mention things like suicide, self-harm, and drug use. If any of this is uncomfortable or you find it to be a trigger please just skip it.

Weight Loss - Weigh In - April 2019

April has just been one of those months, you know? And as much as I wish I could say there was a ton of progress, there wasn’t. But this month is ALL on me. I’ve been doing my best to get through this huge tidal wave of emotions that made their way into my life recently. But fuck if it hasn’t been hard. I honestly had no motivation to do anything this month. The goals I had set back in March went out the window almost as soon as I had set them. Working out was the last thing on my mind. And now that my body is getting balanced out on the hormone front I’ve been experiencing A LOT of feelings. Then once my cycle comes around, forget about it, I’m a complete mess. I cried over anything and everything. Sometimes over nothing at all! I even cried over Heath Ledger GIF’s. Even with my anti-depressants, during this time, I sometimes still feel really low. But it changes within minutes. So, yea, it’s been intense. I’m just trying my best to learn how to navigate all of the feelings when they get really intense like this. I’m told takes a lot of practice. Anyway, more on that later. For now, I’m just going to cover the stats for this month. 

Starting Weight (SW): 189 lbs
Current Weight (CW): 180.4 lbs
Goal Weight (GW): 160 lbs

On the diet front, I personally think I’m doing really good. It’s been about the same for a few months now. The only difference is my caffeine intake. For April, I started drinking It Works! Keto Coffee. Now, I basically got guilted into trying this for three months so that’s honestly the only reason why I’m drinking it.  It is sooo overpriced, and it hasn’t done anything for me, honestly. Psst, you can get it from Amazon at basically the same price as you would through a distributor. Regardless, I’m stuck with it for two more months. So, I’ve replaced two cups of my normal coffee in the morning with 10 oz of this. Anyway, everything else has stayed the same. 

Now, for the exercise part. Ha! Ahahahahaha! Yea, I sucked. There was no progress here whatsoever.  I walked a bit, but other than that. Nothing. So, yea. All on me.  

Mentally, I’ve been doing okay. Like I stated above, I’ve just been on what feels like hormone overload. And so the closer I get to my cycle the more mood swings I tend to have. I've also been getting panic/anxiety attacks. My mood swings are usually frequent and often leave me with some emotional whiplash. I’m not even kidding. A few days after my cycle ends I’ll look back and think, “WTF was that?!?!” I go through really low lows and then really high highs around the time of, and during my cycle. Once it's over I go back to feeling fine. I know that in order to shake a lot of this off I need to start working out again in order to alleviate some of that pent up anxiety, or frustration from the day. But I just don’t. Either I’m short on time, or I just have no motivation. Or I feel completely exhausted and tapped out. So, I’m trying to get a handle on this. It's been two months of going through these mood swings, and it's basically trial and error when it comes to figuring out what works and what doesn't. Until then, I’m basically at the mercy of my emotions. And flying by the seat of my pants for most of it. 

Overall, I need to get my shit together. I know that I won’t get to feeling better until I start working out again. It was always a great way for me to relax and sweat the day out. Running served as therapy in a way too. And ever since I stopped, things just kind of took a nosedive where my emotions are concerned. However, getting back to that mindset of making my physical health a priority is what’s been the most challenging. So, I guess for the month of May I want to keep everything relatively the same. My only goal will be to start making an effort to head to the gym. Or at the very least go out for a run. Minimum of twice a week. So, here's to the end of this month and the start of a fresh one. 

Weight Loss - Weigh In - March 2019

This month went by pretty quickly. I’ve been in a bit of a funk lately too. Or at least I was. I believe it had a lot to do with my medications being adjusted, but I’m not entirely sure. Then I started feeling stabby and needy, but as it turns out that was just me PMSing. Phew. Still, this month was a rough one emotionally. However, I did manage to work on my eating habits and my water intake. And honestly, I think the weight loss pills helped out A LOT in those areas. Even when I took a whole week off, I felt like I still made good food choices, and drank plenty of water. Now, whether this will continue long term, I have yet to find out. What I do know is that I start my second month supply next week. For now, let me just go over my progress for March. 

Starting Weight (SW): 189 lbs
Current Weight (CW): 183.4 lbs
Goal Weight (GW): 160 lbs

When it comes to food I’ve stuck with fruits, yogurts, and veggies mainly. Whole wheat bread, white rice, chicken breasts, and fish. There have been times when I’ve had cravings and I went along with them because I wanted to indulge. But only a little. I portioned things out, and I always did my best to not overeat. When I’m full, I’m full. I also increased my daily water intake between 64-76 oz per day. On the weekends it’s slightly less. But not by much. I keep a water bottle in my car, at work, and at home at all times. So, this helped keep me from getting tea or soda when I was out and about. Not that I drink much soda these days anyway. So, I would say that I’m feeling pretty good in the “diet” department. When I was first told about the weight loss pills I was a bit skeptical. I was told that I would have a lot of energy and that I would want to be up and moving around. However, just like with everything else out there, my body didn’t react in that way. Instead, the pills made me really thirsty. And water was the only thing I craved. They did help with curbing my cravings, and I feel that they helped me become more disciplined when it came to not overeating. So, this was definitely a great benefit.

The fitness area is where I've had a lot of trouble lately. I didn’t work out much this month. Like, hardly at all. I really wanted to start heading to the gym and getting workouts in at the beginning of March. I felt really motivated at first, but then I hit a funk. A slump. I didn’t want to leave the house. Beau was picking Emery up and bringing her back at random times so I never had a set schedule or time slot that I could dedicate to going to the gym. But as of last week, I did start building up to running again. I started doing sprints, across from my house in an open field, whenever Emery is busy with her homework. And this week I finally asked Beau to help me come up with a consistent schedule that worked for both of us. The custody agreement we have serves as more of a guide than anything else because of Emery's schedule so we don’t really go by it. However, I think it would be best if we worked on establishing a better routine. I’m currently working on a shared calendar to help iron things out a  bit. I’m hoping that once this is in place I’ll be able to carve out a time slot to workout. Fingers crossed!  

Mentally, things have been a bit rocky but okay. Since my medication was increased last month it’s been interesting trying to pinpoint the best time to take them. If I take them too early then I’m wanting to be in bed by 7pm, and well that’s not possible. If I take them too late then it’s hell waking up in the morning. So far, I’ve narrowed the window down to between 7:30-8:30pm. Still, there are some days when even that time slot fails me. BUT the increase in my medication has allowed me to feel much better during the day. While I was in the midst of this “funk” of mine I honestly don’t think I would have gotten out of bed if I wasn’t taking something. There were days when I didn’t want to see anyone, or leave my house. But I would tell myself that I had to do something. Even if it was something small. I had to get my ass up and move. And I did. I think this is what helped me work through what I needed to in order to feel better. So, I feel like things are good.  

Overall, I think I did pretty well. I know that I didn’t achieve both of my goals for this month, but I think I got a solid handle on the dieting goal I had set for myself. And I’m down ten pounds since my doctor’s visit in February! I’d say that the changes paired with the pills have been working the way that they are meant to. Again, these pills are just tools though. I did take a week off from them to see if I could keep up with the same routine. I wanted to make sure that even without them I still drank plenty of water, went for more walks, and stuck with my diet. So far, so good. Which brings me to my goal for April: working out three to four times a week. On the days that Beau has Emery, I’m wanting to dedicated at least one hour of that time to a gym session or at the very least going for a run. No excuses. This week I started building up to one mile runs again, and I’d like to increase my distance by the end of the month. However, my first priority is to just get back into working out consistently. If I can reach 175 lbs on the scale by the end of this next month I'll be pretty stoked. But honestly, right now I'll be happy with just making it to 179 and breaking through that 180 lb wall that I've been at for so long. So here’s to April, y'all! To longer days, more sunshine, and hopefully some much-needed motivation!

Weight Loss - Weigh In - February 2019

Well, this post should have been up last week but I spaced on it. Sorry! On the bright side, this means that you’ll get TWO weight updates this month. Yay! I ended up being a bit busier than I thought I would be for February. And I honestly can’t believe we’re already in March. I wish I could say that February was a month that saw a lot of productivity on my part but it really wasn’t. In fact, there was a lot of wallowing. But we’ll get to that in another post. I did end up having my follow up with the doctor, and found out that there had been no progress in the weight loss department. Now, I told her that I hadn’t really been working out but she still insisted that there should have been a bit of a drop if my thyroid issues were getting better. Instead, I was going up. And as of that day I was technically considered obese. So, we looked over some options and I made up my mind to take some weight loss pills out for a trial run. Now, these are not a miracle pill. They are meant to be used as a tool. And honestly, I feel that they should be used as a last resort. My doctor and I discussed taking them for two months, max, and then seeing if they’d helped me lose any weight. If they had, then I would stop taking them and start trying to keep the progress going on my own. If they didn’t help me at all then I would still stop taking them, and we’d look at possibly changing up my antidepressants. What I currently take is working really well however, one of the side effects of this particular medication is weight gain. Which really sucks. Now, I’ve only been taking this weight loss pill for two weeks. There has been little to no exercise, but I plan on changing that this month. My dad has asked that we start going back to the gym regularly so we actually start back up today (3/4). And just an FYI, the stats below were taken on Monday 2/25. So without taking up too much more of your time, here’s the progress post for February.  

Starting Weight (SW): 189 lbs
Current Weight (CW): 188 lbs
Goal Weight (GW): 160 lbs

For the most part, my diet has been consistent. Breakfast usually includes coffee with yogurt or a smoothie with trail mix. I’m eating mostly vegetables & lean meats for lunch. And dinner is usually whatever I decide to cook or grab on the way home. Though I always portion it out. There have been a few days where I’ve not stuck with it 100%, but I’d say that I do pretty damn well the majority of the time. I’ve also taken out sodas and only have sweet tea if we go out to eat somewhere. I’ve upped my water intake to anywhere between 54-64 ounces per day during the work week. On the weekends I’ve made it a point to not keep track.  

On the fitness front, things have not been great. At all. I honestly have no idea where my motivation has gone but it sure as hell isn’t here. I’ve struggled with getting out in the cold in the afternoons too. And by the time I get home, it’s usually dark out, so the last thing I want to do is go out for a gym session. I’m actually really looking forward to Daylight Savings Time kicking in next month. I’m hoping with more daylight in the afternoons it will help give me that extra push to leave the house.

Mentally, I feel good. There have been days since I started taking medication last year that I’ve felt really down or emotional. But for the most part, I feel content. I feel like I think more rationally, and I’m able to talk myself off of the ledge before going into a full blown anxiety attack. Those have become less frequent too. I feel like I’m more in control of myself, and how I react to people and situations. I still get sad and cry. I still have days when I feel like things are really hard. But instead of it lasting for weeks at a time it’s usually just a few days. I feel like the medicine I’m on still allows me to feel all of the things but without letting me go into an emotional overload if that makes sense? 

Overall, I’d say that I’m getting better with my food choices and mentally I’m in a good place. Since starting the weight loss pills there has actually been some movement on the scale. January had me sitting at 191, and when I weighed in at the doctor's office I was at 192. This month I'm down to 188, and that's without working out. Just diet changes. So now, if I can just find the motivation to get back to working out consistently, I think things will start to improve even more. Which brings me to my goals for the month of March. The first goal is to workout at least 3x a week for a minimum of 30 minutes. If I can increase the days or even the time that would be great, but for now I really want to focus on that particular goal. The second goal is to maintain my current diet, if not improve on it some more. Because there's always room for improvement. So, that's about it for now. Here's to March! To more sunshine in our days, and hopefully, the kick in the ass that I need.  

Needing Some Peace

Today, I kind of just wanted to sit down in my room and write whatever comes to mind. See what comes pouring out. Where my thoughts take me. Though, I’m afraid it won’t be all that cheerful. At least, the details won’t be. Still, it’s a part of our story. My story. And well, here goes.

Recently, I discovered a few troubling things in regards to Beau. To say that they infuriated me would be an understatement. I felt like going into his “studio” (partial room in my home), and ripping everything apart. I wanted to pack everything up in boxes and scrub the walls of anything having to do with him. I wanted to yell, “WHY THE FUCK DO YOU KEEP DOING THIS?! Is this really how you’re choosing to repay my kindness?!” I wanted to shake him so hard that I could hear his teeth rattle. But I also wanted to be wrong. I wanted it to be paranoia on my part. For there to be some reasonable explanation. I wanted to be able to hug him and say, “I’m sorry I doubted you. Thank you for proving me wrong.”

Up until this point, I would say that I have been very kind, and amicable. I have been more than tolerable and accommodating. I have helped him when he’s asked for it, and I haven’t asked for anything in return. Because I do not want him to fail. God, how I want him to thrive. I want him to be at peace. I want him to be a great father. To find love that makes him so fucking happy. I truly want so much good for him because after everything he was put through he deserves to have a wonderful life. In November, I recall standing in front of him saying, “I love you. I love you so damn much. But I’m not good for you. I enable you & I bring out some of the worst behavior. I have let so many things slide for too many years which you’ve never been held accountable for so you think it’s okay. But it’s not. And I want you to want to be a better person for your daughter. For yourself. I want you to be happy. And if that means taking myself out of the picture then I love you enough to do it.”

So, instead of doing all of those things I stated above I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. I decided to push back what I felt, and what my gut was telling me in order to trust that if there was anything that I needed to be informed of he would tell me. But a day later I was proven wrong in making that decision, and I felt such disappointment. But most of all I felt this overwhelming sadness for him. Since that day, I’d say that I’ve felt myself close off from him completely. I’ve asked that he speed up the process of moving out too. Because not only is he putting my daughter and I at risk, but he’s also being extremely disrespectful towards me. And he’s very much a trigger for my mental health issues. The anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and anger. A lot of it starts to come at me a lot harder when he’s around. When we’re both in the house I’m always tense, anxious, or worried. There’s always some kind of drama or waves of anger. Not always about us or towards me, but it’s felt. There’s always something going wrong or yelling. There are days when hateful words are being shouted, and cabinets are being slammed. I’m constantly having to pause before entering my own house to take a deep breath and brace myself for who I’ll find inside. Will it be the calm person? The happy person? The angry man wanting to lash out? And y’all, it’s exhausting. I’d say about 40% of these things are aimed at me while the other 60% are aimed at other people in his life. But regardless, I have to be there to deal with it. And, I’m tired.

What really opened my eyes was when he spent the weekend with some friends out of town. I could feel the whole house change in his absence. We woke up early, we cleaned, and all of the curtains were open. There was light in all of the rooms, and my house didn’t smell of cigarettes. There was no yelling or cursing. Instead, there was singing, dancing, and laughter. There was this calm that fell over us and it was so nice. The first full day that he was back we started talking about finances, and that quickly led to an argument. Our daughter came into the room screaming, “ENOUGH! STOP IT! STOP FIGHTING!” We both stopped talking, and he turned around to tell her to hush because sometimes this was just how life was. I stood there looking at him, stunned, as our little girl ran into the living room in tears. When I followed to console her she said: “Why can’t you and dad go one day without fighting?” And she’s right. A bit exaggerated, but we have been arguing a lot more lately. As I sat there hugging her I knew that our living situation was just not working anymore. The time had arrived for us to set a plan in motion and have dates set for when he would be moving out. I sat with Emery and told her that in this case, her father was wrong. This is NOT how life is supposed to be. And she deserved better from us. So, I promised her that I’d do my part to smooth things over until we had a plan. I told her that soon we’d have some calm in our home, and things would get better. And that’s what I’m hoping for. What I’m working towards. I truly feel like it's time for us to finally close the door on this part of our lives. For us to go our separate ways and start our new journeys. I feel like we all need this right now. And if I have to be the one to step up and demand it, I will. Because we all deserve some peace. 

Weight Loss - Weigh In - January 2019

Working out has not been my top priority lately. I always say that my second job starts as soon as I get off from my normal 8-5. Only recently, it's felt more like I have three jobs. So, my main concern was to start eating healthier. Take my supplements, apply my creams, finish my medication plan, and stay on top of my vitamins.  Those have been the goals. So far, I'd say I've done pretty well! I've started eating more veggies and I try not to indulge so much. Though sometimes you just need some fuckin' chocolate, am I right? Unfortunately, even with these changes, I haven't seen any progress in the weight department. And, I'm just taking a wild guess, but I'm going to say it's from lack of consistent exercise. 

Starting Weight (SW): 189 lbs
Current Weight (CW): 191 lbs
Goal Weight (GW): 160 lbs

I've switched over to mainly veggies during the week. My main liquids are water, and coffee. Sodas have been cut out completely and sweet tea only comes in if I go out to eat on the weekends. I've enjoyed some pastas, or pizza for dinner at home but I limit how much I eat. I've been doing this all through January so I was definitely surprised when I got on the scale this morning and learned that my weight had gone up. Not sure if this is a sign that my thyroid isn't getting any better or if dieting alone is just not something that will work for me.

Which brings us to my fitness level. I make it to the gym about once or twice a week. Which puts me way behind on where I wanted to be by now. I know that I need to step it up but life has been really busy lately. It's an excuse, I know. Which is why I've sat down with my planner and started jotting down when I need to fit in a gym session or run. Whether it's during my daughter's dance lessons, right after work, or laps around our block while she's doing homework. I need to create a plan and stick with it. I need to make it a priority again. If I don't see any results after all of this then I need to go address this with my doctor again. We've already decided that I'll be going back for blood work at the end of March. And I'd like to have a good two months of these changes under my belt before looking into other options.

Mentally, I've been feeling pretty good. There's no longer this doom and gloom throughout my day. My anxiety has been cut in half, and I've actually been able to go weeks without one of my medications. Don't worry, I didn't go against the doctor's orders, I'm actually supposed to be doing this. And at the beginning of March I'll start the process of being weaned off of all my prescription meds if everything goes as planned. If that doesn't happen though I'm okay with that too. The goal is to switch over to more natural supplements for the long term, but I'm not going to rush the process.

So, based on the recent numbers it's as if I'm starting all over again because I'm actually heavier than when I first started this monthly weigh-in last year. I'm pretty bummed about it, but I'm also hoping that things are slowly getting back into balance internally so that I can shed the weight once I put in the effort. However, mentally I feel like I'm in such a much better place. This brings me to my goals for February. The first is to log five miles per week. I want to have one day designated to 45 minutes of cardio at the gym and then another day dedicated to 30 minutes of weight lifting. Each week. So, here we go, y'all! Let's see if I can kick it into gear, and finally start seeing some progress. 

Weight Loss - Weigh In - November 2018

Well, for November I finally received some answers in regards to my health & weight. And as it turns out there were quite a few things going on. The culprits: Free T3 (thyroid), testosterone (hormones), and vitamin D (self explanatory). The first two were very low, and my vitamin D was depleted. The combination of all three issues were causing me to gain weight, have very little energy, experience constant fatigue, and have a very low sex drive. All of these symptoms were also causing my depression and anxiety to worsen. Which is why I probably couldn’t keep my shit together with my normal coping techniques. And this is just the tip of the iceberg, y’all. I’m actually really glad that I went in and had my blood work done. Finally hearing that there was a reason why all of my hard work wasn’t paying off, and that it wasn’t something that I was doing wrong made me feel a lot better. It had nothing to do with my efforts. Or “not wanting it bad enough”. So now I begin the process of trying to get everything to balance back out.

Starting Weight (SW): 189 lbs
Current Weight (CW): 189.4 lbs
Goal Weight (GW): 160 lbs

I haven’t started back up on my diet just yet. I did, however, start to cut back on several things. With the exception of those four days during Thanksgiving break, I’ve actually been doing really well with portion control. My goal for the first week of December is to cut back down on my caffeine intake, and I’m wanting to incorporate more veggies into my daily diet.

As for fitness, well….I ran once this entire month. I went to the gym once too. I’m currently working on a schedule for December, and I’m hoping I can stick with it. However, December is usually a busy one for us so we shall see. I'm confident that I'll be more active than I have been the past few months though. That's the fitness goal I've set for myself. 

Mentally, I am doing so much better. I posted about being put on medication, and how I was feeling a few weeks ago. Since then it’s only gotten better. It’s as if I was in this fog, and it’s finally lifted. Now, I just need to work on my motivation. Because I’ll be honest, since the days have been getting darker earlier, it’s been hard to mentally push myself into doing much of anything.

Overall, I’m feeling really good about getting back on the path to happy & healthy. There are several things I want to work on like: running at least three times a week, cutting out junk food, lowering caffeine intake, and getting all of my issues back on track. I know that December isn’t going to be an easy month, but I do feel strong enough to handle it. I feel strong enough to push through and get back into a consistent routine. So, I’m actually looking forward to it.