January felt like it lasted a long time, didn't it? I think it's funny that we normally complain about the time passing too quickly, but for some reason, January is the month that we can't wait to see come to an end. I mean, why can't we have that same "never-ending" feeling in June or July? Or better yet, OCTOBER. *long sigh* Now that would be wonderful. What I'm personally really excited about is daylight savings time kicking in again though. I know that we still have over a month to go, but y'all, I am ready! More daylight during the day. Spring weather. I can start on my flower beds again, and maybe this time I can figure out how to expand on to the side of my house or even around the trees in my yard. Yes, yes. Exciting stuff, I know. Anyway, lately, things have been pretty great around here. However, my sister-in-law has pointed out that there have been a few things in my past that I've refused to deal with and it's probably hurting me in more ways than one. So, this year, I've decided that my word will be "healing".
There are two specific incidents that happened when I was much younger that I tend to be pretty dismissive about. As my sister tells me, "you tried to justify their actions". And well, she's not technically wrong. I've always taken pride in being sympathetic and, I'd like to think, understanding of other's. After having a conversation with her, and listening to a podcast on the subject, I'm now wondering if I've taken that "understanding" a bit too far. If I've actually allowed my sympathy to turn into excuses to dismiss toxic behavior from others that are directed at me. As in, I allow myself to be treated terribly because I try to understand where they are coming from rather than calling them out for what they did. I look at what their past traumas were and how they could possibly be affecting them now. Then I make excuses for them. I don't hold people accountable. Instead, I internalize it. I throw up walls and then have a really hard time letting people in again. Over time it just added up to more trust issues. More negative self talk. I tell myself, "Oh they don't mean to do that it was just a one-time thing" or "Well, they're just saying that because they don't know any better" as a way to cope with what's going on. However, that's not solving the problem. It's not making things better. Instead, it's allowed them to go on with their lives thinking nothing was wrong and I was left behind to deal with the fallout of their actions. Only, I didn't actually deal with it. I allowed it to chip away at my self-esteem, my self-worth, and my voice. I allowed their actions to hinder other parts of my life. And I just stood by silently. Frozen.
That's why this year, along with all of the good things coming into my life, I want to start the process of healing. I want this to be the year that I take a really hard look into my past so I can let all of that shit go. I want to forgive those that I never received an apology from. I want to grieve the losses I never fully accepted. I want to feel the walls come down from around my heart. Because I am so tired of feeling trapped. I'm tired of constantly having anxiety attacks. I'm tired of my depression taking over for months at a time. Stealing so much from me. I'm tired of being in "fight or flight" mode 24/7. I'm tired of shoving all of the bad things I don't want to deal with into bottles and trying to hide them away. Those mental shelves are starting to overflow and I can't keep the bottles from falling over for much longer anyway. And if I ever want to be in a good mental place again, to love fully without fear, then I need to start the healing process now. I need to forgive myself for a lot of things I had no control over. And I need to let go of a lot of the baggage I was never meant to carry. That's the only way I'll ever be able to move forward both physically and emotionally. So, here's to a year of finally allowing myself to do just that. Here's to healing.
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