The Night Before Lent
Tuesday, February 25, 2020
I'm feeling some type of way tonight. Like everything is moving really fast, but also, not fast enough. I'm having to tell myself, more often than not, to slow down. Enjoy where life is currently taking me. Be present in the now. Don't rush this, you're fine. But as I sit here I'm also thinking about ten other different things going on, my leg won't stop bouncing, and I'm feeling slightly claustrophobic. I'm worried about the sacrifices that tomorrow will bring and whether I'll have the discipline to follow through with everything I feel is being asked of me. If I'll be strong enough to get through this Lent season.
This year, for Lent, I decided to give up Facebook again. Last year, I deactivated my account and there was so much peace felt during that time. It's amazing what a "social media" break can actually do for you. Even when you're not on there very often, it can still feel like an addiction of sorts. Or a time suck. And this year, I'm craving that peace again. However, on top of that, I'll also be doing an elimination diet. A slightly altered, Autoimmune Protocol Diet. I've been having issues with my weight again, and just the way my body feels in general. So bloated and stretched beyond capacity. I want to dedicate this Lent to trying my best to fix the issues in a more natural way. I want to hand all of this over to God because I'm just so tired of the health issues. I'm tired of the yo-yo weight problems. I'm tired of feeling tired. And this is my year of healing. So, I'm handing it over to Him. But y'all, these next two weeks are going to be hell. Cutting out coffee alone will probably send me into withdrawals. So, I'm not looking forward to it, even though I know it's necessary.
I've also picked back up on my therapy sessions. I had a nice "catch up" session with my therapist last week, and there was a lot of new information that we had to navigate through. I swear, his pen didn't stop moving that entire hour. What I realized though, was how uncomfortable I felt sitting there. Fidgety. But not in a negative way. More of a "Uggh, he's hitting some nerves and I don't like it," kind of way. This means that it was definitely time to sit my passive-aggressive, reality avoiding, anxiety-prone ass back on that couch. It was time for me to start letting all of what I had bottled up inside of me, finally come out. It wasn't until that session, as I sat there clinging to the pillow in my lap and counting each time *Watson tapped his pen on the pad, that I realized just how much I had slipped back into some old habits without even realizing it. And that's not the direction that I want to go. Backward is not an option. So, if I want to take a really good look inward, this is where I need to start. This is where my healing begins.
*the nickname my sister-in-law uses when talking about my therapist.
Happy Birthday, My Wild Thing
Tuesday, February 18, 2020
She’s officially in the double digits. And I don’t think words could ever truly express how much my little means to me. How grateful I am for every year I get. I love this little light of mine so much, y’all. There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do for her, and I hope that I’m showing her this. I hope I’m not messing things up too bad. And I hope she can feel my love for her every single day of her life. Through the good times and the bad ones. I hope she feels it.
That said, y’all better pray for me. We’ve officially hit the tween years and what the actual heck?! I blinked and we entered into “overly emotional pre-teen” territory. And no one seems to be able to tell me how to get the heck out?! Y’all, there’s only room for ONE overly emotional person in our little family, and sorry baby girl but that position has already been filled by your momma. So, I’m gonna need her to pick something else. Please, and thank you. Until then, I’m just praying that we both get through these next several years (mostly) intact. Teenage years, here we come, right? Ready or not?
On Sunday we had a small celebration with just a few of her friends, and a cousin. Her birthday was yesterday, but our house has come down with a stomach bug so we haven't done anything else. And since her dad was out of state due to work we’re possibly having a second birthday party this upcoming weekend when he gets back. So, she’ll get twice the celebration. Without question, she’s definitely spoiled. Anyway, here’s to my baby girl. To many, many, many more years of getting to watch her grow. Here’s to love, laughter, and an abundance of happiness. I love you, my little wild thing. Forever & ever. ♒✨
Word of the Year - Healing
Monday, February 3, 2020
January felt like it lasted a long time, didn't it? I think it's funny that we normally complain about the time passing too quickly, but for some reason, January is the month that we can't wait to see come to an end. I mean, why can't we have that same "never-ending" feeling in June or July? Or better yet, OCTOBER. *long sigh* Now that would be wonderful. What I'm personally really excited about is daylight savings time kicking in again though. I know that we still have over a month to go, but y'all, I am ready! More daylight during the day. Spring weather. I can start on my flower beds again, and maybe this time I can figure out how to expand on to the side of my house or even around the trees in my yard. Yes, yes. Exciting stuff, I know. Anyway, lately, things have been pretty great around here. However, my sister-in-law has pointed out that there have been a few things in my past that I've refused to deal with and it's probably hurting me in more ways than one. So, this year, I've decided that my word will be "healing".
There are two specific incidents that happened when I was much younger that I tend to be pretty dismissive about. As my sister tells me, "you tried to justify their actions". And well, she's not technically wrong. I've always taken pride in being sympathetic and, I'd like to think, understanding of other's. After having a conversation with her, and listening to a podcast on the subject, I'm now wondering if I've taken that "understanding" a bit too far. If I've actually allowed my sympathy to turn into excuses to dismiss toxic behavior from others that are directed at me. As in, I allow myself to be treated terribly because I try to understand where they are coming from rather than calling them out for what they did. I look at what their past traumas were and how they could possibly be affecting them now. Then I make excuses for them. I don't hold people accountable. Instead, I internalize it. I throw up walls and then have a really hard time letting people in again. Over time it just added up to more trust issues. More negative self talk. I tell myself, "Oh they don't mean to do that it was just a one-time thing" or "Well, they're just saying that because they don't know any better" as a way to cope with what's going on. However, that's not solving the problem. It's not making things better. Instead, it's allowed them to go on with their lives thinking nothing was wrong and I was left behind to deal with the fallout of their actions. Only, I didn't actually deal with it. I allowed it to chip away at my self-esteem, my self-worth, and my voice. I allowed their actions to hinder other parts of my life. And I just stood by silently. Frozen.
That's why this year, along with all of the good things coming into my life, I want to start the process of healing. I want this to be the year that I take a really hard look into my past so I can let all of that shit go. I want to forgive those that I never received an apology from. I want to grieve the losses I never fully accepted. I want to feel the walls come down from around my heart. Because I am so tired of feeling trapped. I'm tired of constantly having anxiety attacks. I'm tired of my depression taking over for months at a time. Stealing so much from me. I'm tired of being in "fight or flight" mode 24/7. I'm tired of shoving all of the bad things I don't want to deal with into bottles and trying to hide them away. Those mental shelves are starting to overflow and I can't keep the bottles from falling over for much longer anyway. And if I ever want to be in a good mental place again, to love fully without fear, then I need to start the healing process now. I need to forgive myself for a lot of things I had no control over. And I need to let go of a lot of the baggage I was never meant to carry. That's the only way I'll ever be able to move forward both physically and emotionally. So, here's to a year of finally allowing myself to do just that. Here's to healing.
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