Fly Revival // Blessed is She

Last weekend, my sisters and I attended a Blessed is She revival night. Now, we all had to travel a good distance so we were only able to attend one night. But it was completely worth it! It was two hours of praise, worship, confession, and adoration. Nell O’Leary was the guest speaker, and she touched on many ways for us to build our relationship with God. We were all excited to take part in a night like this. And I was practically bouncing as we pulled into the parking lot. We took a few pictures, grabbed our goodies, and made our way into the church.

Now, everyone’s experience is different. And while I was excited about the event I had also been dealing with feelings of turmoil. However, as the introductions began I started to feel calm. But about mid-way through I had a huge jumbled mess of emotions welling up inside. Then as the monstrance came closer to us the tears just began to pour out of me. And that was my cue - I needed to get up and go to confession. So, I made my way to the back of the church to patiently wait for my turn. As I finished up I told the priest, “There’s so much more, but this is all I can say out loud right now.”

Because lately, there’s been a lot on my heart. I feel like I’m breaking a little bit. I feel like some of my prayers are going unanswered because of my choices. I feel like sometimes I’m wasting time, and others like I’m just going through the motions. I feel like I’m stuck. I feel like I’m trying to scream but no one can hear me. And I feel really sad too. While I know depression shows up in my life from time to time this feeling has felt like a completely different kind of sadness. And it’s kind of hard to explain. So, as the night drew to a close, I made a mental note to pray on the thoughts and feelings that surfaced while I sat there in that church. Keep seeking. Keep praying. Keep trying. Keep learning. That’s all I can really do.

Afterward, we were able to make a few purchases and I was able to preview the new planners that BIS is offering. I get the yearly version instead of the academic one so it won't be out until the end of the year. But the highlight of the night for me came in the form of a Franciscan Friar by the name of Fr. Mark-Mary! He’s one of the hosts on the "Poco a Poco" podcast, which I love. This was my very first time meeting a friar, and I got a hug out of it so that was pretty great! We were able to speak with him for a few moments and then take a picture before heading out.

Overall, it was a really great night! I’m happy I was able to experience it with my sisters too. If you ever get a chance to attend one of these events, definitely do so! It was just two hours, which fit really well into our schedule. The atmosphere was welcoming. And it was just wonderful getting to be around other Catholic women. I really hope that they start having more throughout the year because it was a beautiful experience! 

A Birthday, Lent, & Life

Last month, my little celebrated her birthday. Sadly, we didn’t get to celebrate the way we had hoped. Instead, the day before we had cake at my parent's house. Then, instead of having a birthday party later in the month, she opted for dinner at her favorite restaurant with three of her friends when the weather got better. And an online “shopping spree”. She received her last package yesterday. I won’t get into all of the feelings that I had on her birthday. Or even the days after it. But one afternoon as we were sitting on the couch by the fireplace she threw her arms around my neck, and said “I love you, mom.” Then she kissed my cheek and went right back to what she was doing. I sat back and just watched her for a few moments. My little girl. Her long hair in this frizzy mess and those long limbs wrapped up in unicorn pajamas. There’s only a few little remnants of the little girl she once was left for me. The little girl that was attached to my hip. The one with the chubby baby cheeks. The bangs and silly “wiggles” dances. I blinked, y’all. And it makes me a little sad. But I’m also very excited to see her become her own person. I'm blessed to see her as she grows. 

Lent also began last month. However, due to the winter storm, we didn’t get a chance to receive the distribution of ashes. Then when we were finally able to go to church I had a math test set for the next day so I spent my entire Sunday evening studying. Because, y’all, your girl sucks at math. Like. REALLY sucks at it. But as I was leaving the library that night I was informed that our instructor pushed the test back to that Wednesday at the very last minute. Now, our church is right across the street from my school. And as I made my way to my car I felt a little tinge of sadness as I saw the stragglers walking out of our church doors. Ashes in the shape of a cross on their foreheads. Still, I NEEDED that study session. Desperately. And I hope Jesus understands. Anyway, I don't feel like Lent got off to a very strong start this year. My offering for this Lenten season was to give up ALL social media. Not just Facebook like I did last year. However, after two weeks it became very evident that I needed to find something else because Em’s school communicates everything through Facebook. I missed two meetings because of this, so I decided to switch it up. My new Lent offering is to speak nice things about myself. Positive, good things. I tend to go immediately to the negative and that really needs to stop. So, I'm going to give this a good try. And as I sit here typing it out, I wish I could do more or maybe throw in a fast too. But at the same time...no, I don’t. I think I’m offering as much as I can right now. Plus, I journal for our Sunday readings - even if I don’t get to attend mass. And I’m doing a book study, following along with the ladies of Abiding Together, with my sisters. So yea, my plate is seriously overflowing at the moment.

Our home life and school life have been pretty chaotic lately. We finally got our pipes fixed and our water running last week. But there was some damage to an interior wall in one of the bathrooms so that had to come down. Midterms are coming up in three weeks so I have to cram for them starting this weekend. Spring Break is next week for the kids. And we now have to start thinking about the massive house project coming up at the end of April. Other than that, things are going well around here. I have a few things that have come up, roadblocks if you will, that I’m not entirely sure how I’ll be able to get past. Some future plans that I had envisioned are feeling a little unrealistic now. I’ve also got a little conflict brewing in my heart. But it’s nothing that some careful thought and prayer can’t help. So, that’s what I’m trying to do for now. Focus on the things I need to focus on. Pray about the rest. Anyway, I hope everyone had a wonderful February! Hang in there my fellow Texans - especially those still dealing with the aftermath of the winter storm. And here’s to a new month! Until the next post, stay safe. ❄

The Night Before Lent

I'm feeling some type of way tonight. Like everything is moving really fast, but also, not fast enough. I'm having to tell myself, more often than not, to slow down. Enjoy where life is currently taking me. Be present in the now. Don't rush this, you're fine. But as I sit here I'm also thinking about ten other different things going on, my leg won't stop bouncing, and I'm feeling slightly claustrophobic. I'm worried about the sacrifices that tomorrow will bring and whether I'll have the discipline to follow through with everything I feel is being asked of me. If I'll be strong enough to get through this Lent season. 

This year, for Lent, I decided to give up Facebook again. Last year, I deactivated my account and there was so much peace felt during that time. It's amazing what a "social media" break can actually do for you. Even when you're not on there very often, it can still feel like an addiction of sorts. Or a time suck. And this year, I'm craving that peace again. However, on top of that, I'll also be doing an elimination diet. A slightly altered, Autoimmune Protocol Diet. I've been having issues with my weight again, and just the way my body feels in general. So bloated and stretched beyond capacity. I want to dedicate this Lent to trying my best to fix the issues in a more natural way. I want to hand all of this over to God because I'm just so tired of the health issues. I'm tired of the yo-yo weight problems. I'm tired of feeling tired. And this is my year of healing. So, I'm handing it over to Him. But y'all, these next two weeks are going to be hell. Cutting out coffee alone will probably send me into withdrawals. So, I'm not looking forward to it, even though I know it's necessary. 

I've also picked back up on my therapy sessions. I had a nice "catch up" session with my therapist last week, and there was a lot of new information that we had to navigate through. I swear, his pen didn't stop moving that entire hour. What I realized though, was how uncomfortable I felt sitting there. Fidgety. But not in a negative way. More of a "Uggh, he's hitting some nerves and I don't like it," kind of way. This means that it was definitely time to sit my passive-aggressive, reality avoiding, anxiety-prone ass back on that couch. It was time for me to start letting all of what I had bottled up inside of me, finally come out. It wasn't until that session, as I sat there clinging to the pillow in my lap and counting each time *Watson tapped his pen on the pad, that I realized just how much I had slipped back into some old habits without even realizing it. And that's not the direction that I want to go. Backward is not an option. So, if I want to take a really good look inward, this is where I need to start. This is where my healing begins.   

*the nickname my sister-in-law uses when talking about my therapist. 

October Magick

This is my month, y’all! This is the month that brings a sense of renewal for me. It’s a time when the leaves start to change and the weather gets cooler. It’s a time when there’s a bit of magick in the air and everything feels heightened. It’s a time when I can actually start to see the progress I’ve made (or haven’t made) in the year. There’s always been this energy and excitement that comes with October for me, and somehow I got really lucky because Emery shares that same joy. There’s an extra bit of sparkle and a little bit of spooky in our day-to-day that makes this month so much fun for her. This morning she hopped out of bed with excitement in her eyes and a wide smile. “Mom! It’s October 1st!” she said. “It’s here, baby girl, it’s here!” I replied as I rushed to put mousse in my hair with one hand and brush my teeth with the other. We were running a little late so the excitement was a tad short-lived. But how cool is it to be able to share that feeling with your kid, huh? We both absolutely love this time of year!

via GIPHY

Most of our outside Halloween decorations are up. I also had an impulse buy and got “The Nightmare Before Christmas” themed light projector for our living room. I need to grab a few decorations for my alter next week and I think I’ll be set for the month. We have a whole selection of movies picked out that we’ll be watching throughout the month too. I’ve finally decided on reading “The Vine Witch” while Emery has picked, “Small Spaces” by Katherine Arden. I’m stocked up on hot teas and we’re looking at several “Halloween” themed crafts to do for the month. Plus, the new animated Addams Family movie comes out next Friday and we’re going to see it sometime next weekend. I’m hoping to get at least one night hike squeezed in this month or at the very least a day trip to Dinosaur Valley. Fingers crossed! 

Those aren’t the only things that we’ll be doing though. As much as I enjoy the scary, haunting, and magickal side of October, this year on the Catholic side, we’ll be celebrating the “Month of the Holy Rosary”. This is my first year of being back with my church. I technically haven’t met all of the requirements to be considered a “practicing Catholic” I’m doing my best. And this month is dedicated to one of the most powerful prayers that we have. Most people will commit to praying the rosary every day during this month, which is a beautiful thing. However, I’m not quite there yet. So for me, I’ve decided that I’ll try my best to pray the rosary at least once a week. Ideally, I'd like to recite it before bed on Sunday, but we’ll see how it goes. I still have a lot to learn but this has actually been a very interesting journey in rediscovering my faith. I'm pretty happy about my progress so far. 

Now, I know I stated before that I was looking for a second job. Well, I still am and I’ve sent in my application to a company in town that has a part-time seasonal opening. Regardless of whether I get the job or have to continue my search I still plan on doing as much as I can with Emery. If that means cutting out everything else I have going on then that’s a sacrifice I'm more than willing to make. Because Emery comes first for me, and I only get her at this age for so long. I want to experience all of this October Magick with my baby girl for as many years as I can get. If that means making sacrifices in other areas of my life to get it, then that's what I'll do. But we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Until then, Happy October everyone! May it bring you as much joy as it does to us. 👻