27
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
Yesterday, I turned 27.
As the years have come and gone I've realized that I have this fear of growing older. It's not the getting old in years, or the unavoidable death that comes with age that scares me though. It's the "living life without doing anything with it" that scares me. I had a conversation with my "sisters" this morning, about how: this is it. We do not get do overs, and we can not get any of that time back. Once it's gone...it's gone. And currently, I've been feeling as if I've done absolutely nothing with my time.
I know that being a mother is a blessing, and it is (and will always be) my greatest achievement. But I always knew that I would be a mother. I knew that this was something I wanted for my life, and I could not have been happier on the day that this dream became a reality. But now what? What is next for me? School? I'm doing that. A good job? I have one. A home? Yup, I have that too. And these are all really great things! I know this. I know that I am so lucky to have the opportunity to pursue these goals, and to have these securities. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm being an awful person for not being content with what I already have: good health, a loving family, simple life, a beautiful & healthy daughter. And it's not that I'm NOT content with that. I know how blessed I am to have these things. But I also feel like I should be doing more. I should be aiming to accomplish more. I know that I CAN do more. And yet, I'm always in fear of pushing too far. I fear that I'm wanting too much. That I'm being too selfish. Too greedy. I'm scared that all of these dreams will always be just that: dreams.
Back in March, I touched on some of the things I hoped to do one day. Since then the list has expanded. But I'm no closer now to crossing any of those things off of my list than I was on the day I started it. And now, the goals have spread out to more than just travelling. I want to conquer a fear. I want to live in another country for a year. I want to change my eating habits for GOOD. I want to become a morning person. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to change someone's life. I want to be positive, and bring a good energy to people. I want to be at peace with myself. With my life, with my choices. I want the happiness I see in my daughters eyes when she finally coaxes a snail from it's shell. The excitement shines through her in rays, and I can't help but hope that one day I'll get that excited about something again. You know? I want to be good, and feel good about what I'm doing. The years are coming and going, faster now it seems, and I have this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I'm running out of time. Every year that I don't do or try something new is a waste. And worst of all I feel like I'm failing.
I understand that this all has to be set in motion by me. No one else out there can start the changes or start working towards these goals because they're mine alone to achieve. And there has to be something inside of me that lights that fire. At 27, I think I'm finally ready to take the initiative and find out just what that is. This is my year I think. I can feel it in pretty much every part of me, that I'm done being still. So, here's to 27! May it be filled with new adventures, new accomplishments, and a huge freakin' fire being lit under my ass. Because this is it.
Back in March, I touched on some of the things I hoped to do one day. Since then the list has expanded. But I'm no closer now to crossing any of those things off of my list than I was on the day I started it. And now, the goals have spread out to more than just travelling. I want to conquer a fear. I want to live in another country for a year. I want to change my eating habits for GOOD. I want to become a morning person. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to change someone's life. I want to be positive, and bring a good energy to people. I want to be at peace with myself. With my life, with my choices. I want the happiness I see in my daughters eyes when she finally coaxes a snail from it's shell. The excitement shines through her in rays, and I can't help but hope that one day I'll get that excited about something again. You know? I want to be good, and feel good about what I'm doing. The years are coming and going, faster now it seems, and I have this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I'm running out of time. Every year that I don't do or try something new is a waste. And worst of all I feel like I'm failing.
I understand that this all has to be set in motion by me. No one else out there can start the changes or start working towards these goals because they're mine alone to achieve. And there has to be something inside of me that lights that fire. At 27, I think I'm finally ready to take the initiative and find out just what that is. This is my year I think. I can feel it in pretty much every part of me, that I'm done being still. So, here's to 27! May it be filled with new adventures, new accomplishments, and a huge freakin' fire being lit under my ass. Because this is it.
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