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Random Thoughts // Eleven - Eleven- Twenty One

Today, I’m not feeling up to writing about one particular thing. It’s been a day and I’m emotionally exhausted. My brain does not want to focus either. So, instead, I’m just going to write down some random thoughts as they come. See where it takes me…

The fall semester is almost over for me and I am beyond ready. While I didn’t take on as many classes as before, and one has already been completed, it feels like it’s taken forever to finish. Only 4 more weeks to go though! Emery, on the other hand, has a bit longer. They wrapped up their cheer season not too long ago, and now all she has is dance. However, she’s opted out of the end-of-year recital so there’s nothing for her to prep for before winter break. While she enjoys dance, this semester she’s felt held back. And I completely understand. There have been some changes at the studio, and Emery has felt a bit off about them. So, we’ve talked about looking into another dance studio that will be opening its doors to new students in the Spring. Fingers crossed it’s a good fit!

In other news, I have been feeling really lonely lately. Super emotional. And highly unmotivated. The current state of my house is embarrassing. I have no idea what happened to the woman who woke up every Saturday morning to clean and do laundry? I need her back though. And it’s not like these moods are an all-day thing either. This is unusual for me because I’m used to having days or weeks of being in a funk. But lately, everything changes by the hour. I seem to be perfectly fine one minute and the next I’m sobbing in my shower. Or I’ll wake up feeling sad, but by lunchtime, everything is right with the world. I’ll enter my home feeling productive only to get crippling anxiety within an hour. It’s BEYOND exhausting and really starting to get on my nerves. I have no idea why I can’t seem to get myself together. But something has to change or I foresee a bit of a breakdown in the not-so-distant future.

Moving right along, one evening after going through a bit of an emotional day I started writing a post about my lack of passion. Since then I’ve read and re-read it about twenty times and I just don’t like it. I’ve made a ton of edits. Then I took it apart and rewrote it. And yet, none of it sounds like me. Or at least, I don’t think it does. Which makes me wonder about who we are mentally when we’re going through depression. Or even just having a bad day. Like, how different do we sound to others when we’re going through something? Because that woman who sat down and started typing away through tears is not the same one typing this up today. But she could be in that same headspace tomorrow or later today. Funny how the mind works, right? 

And this seems like a good stopping point for today. I didn’t get much sleep last night, despite what my watch says, and I really just want to crawl into bed right now. Sleep for a few days. Alas, there’s laundry to be put up and an afternoon run to attempt. Until the next post! Auf Wiedersehen!

Wordless Wednesday

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34

Thirty-three was a whirlwind of a year. There have been some ups and a lot of downs. There have been plenty of late nights and early mornings—a lot of praying and countless tears. The year brought some accomplishments and some failures. Rejection. And if thirty-three taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know as much as I think I do. Life is still messy, I’m still a mess, and there’s a lot of work that remains to be done. It taught me that even when you’re doing better, life is still hard. Relationships are still hard. Parenting is still hard. But there’s also a lot of good, too, though. There are so many things to be grateful for.

Yesterday, I turned thirty-four, and I’m so blessed to see another year. So, here’s to another trip around the sun. God willing. Here’s to learning more about myself. To being granted patience. Here’s to being a better mom and a better partner. To bending rather than breaking. Here’s to being that much closer to graduating. To finally going after something rather than settling. Here’s to more adventures and travels. To seeing my family and loved ones more often. Here’s to growing in my faith and attending church more often. To receiving grace and extending it. Here's to learning and understanding. To being open to possibilities. And here’s to whatever comes next in this chapter of my life. Here’s to 34. 🖤

Wordless Wednesday

Feeling Messy

I have been extra emotional lately. Everything makes me want to cry. I’m questioning so much about my life too. I’m wondering if I should stay the course or flip the script entirely. I’m trying to picture the next few years, and I’m coming up blank. I’ve been feeling low, and there have been times when my thoughts land me back in some pretty dark places. I feel like I’m a huge mess, and my “flight” instincts are just choppin’ at the bit. Somedays, I can’t stand what’s going on in my head, and it takes some melatonin to quiet it. When I write, it’s just these bursts of emotions that I manage to quickly jot down. I have about four “word vomit” posts drafted, but they’re a scattered mess of thoughts that I can’t seem to piece together. Maybe soon, I’ll decipher them enough to put them on here. Today is not the day, though. 

So, instead, I just want to share a lovely little prose by Morgan Harper Nichols. I came across it the other day while scrolling through Pinterest, and it stopped me in my tracks. I sat there, reading it over and over. I felt like someone was giving me a hug, and then I cried. Of course. And weirdly, I felt a bit seen. 

📷: Morgan Harper Nichols’ “The Storyteller App”

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October, You're Here

This is one of my favorite months. The leaves start to change color and fall to the ground. We get that last sprinkle of rainstorms before the season ends. We begin to see the dew sparkling in the fields as we leave the driveway in the morning. Sweaters start to come out, and it’s back to wearing jeans full-time. Mmmm.

Photo by Lukasz Szmigiel on Unsplash

There’s also something so cleansing and renewing at the start of the fall season. I believe I’ve even joked about it being my own private New Year. It’s like wiping the slate clean and getting rid of the noise. It’s also the time of year that I do my best to purge negativity in my life, from social media to closet items. I reassess my goals and flesh out the last three months of the year. I tend to do one final deep clean of our home before winter keeps us mostly indoors. And I get this burst of energy that carries me through to my vacation time at the end of December. It’s just a nice little refresh “button” before the end of the year. So, this is me officially saying "Hello" to October. 

I’m happy that you’re finally here. 🎃

Wordless Wednesday

Gratitude Journal // Nine - Twenty Seven - Twenty One

Gratitude Series: Sometimes, I let the bad in my day get the better of me. Other times, I get so caught up in my own little world that I forget to give thanks for all of the blessings in my life. I find myself taking things for granted over and over again. So, today, I’m choosing to give thanks for all of the things.

• Instructors: Though my classes are no longer “HyFlex” the majority of the instructors have gone ahead with giving their students the option of attending via Zoom. While I do prefer to attend classes face-to-face, I spend about 30-40 minutes on a round-trip commute four days out of the week. So, being able to sit in on a class over Zoom has helped me stay within the 36-38 hour work window. And while that’s still a big pay cut each week that I’m taking because of classes, I know it could be a lot worse. So, I’m grateful to my instructors for doing this. 

• Lavender Lattes: I have been in love with these ever since my sister-in-law bought me one at Jo’s in Mount Pleasant. Sadly, no one close by made them. Then, my brother and sister-in-law moved and there was no more Jo’s close by when we went to visit. And well, that was a bummer. But, recently, TWO local coffee shops added it to their menus! Can you believe it? And while I normally opt for cold coffee all the way into November, these lattes are best served hot. So, every Friday morning I treat myself to a hot lavender latte and it’s just the best. Usually makes my day and it puts me in a good mood. If you ever get a chance to try one, do it!  

• River: Though we don’t get to see him all of the time, we do get to see him about 2-3x a month. And this little dude is just one of the cutest. He’s not always so sure about us at first, because again, we aren’t in his daily life. But he loves his big sister! Once he realizes who she is that’s who he wants to carry him around. And the love runs both ways for sure. Em is always excited when she gets to see him and she’s happy that they get to be in each other’s lives. Now, even though the visits are short, Em makes sure to get plenty of one on one time with him. She even volunteers to change a diaper and feed him. And then she jumps at the chance to get him dressed for the day, comb his hair, or play little games with him. After every visit she lets me know that she's happy we were able to see him. 

• ASMR: I’ve considered doing an entire post dedicated to ASMR, but I’m still on the fence. While it has gotten really popular, I’d like to think of myself as an OG ASMR listener. I discovered it back in 2014 when I read this article on Yahoo. So, we’re going on 8 years of listening. And back then there weren’t a lot of artists creating it. However, it has been such a gift to me. And to Emery too, as she started listening to it a few years ago as well. It’s gotten me through some sleepless nights, overwhelming times, study sessions, and it’s helped me focus at work. I’ve listened to it while going through my depression season, and it’s also been there during some anxiety attacks. It helps me so much, and I'm glad that I found it all those years ago. 

• Christina: One of my sisters-in-law. We’ve been spending a bit more time together recently; each of us is on our own health journey. And she’s always up for early morning weekend workouts. Walks in the park. Or down to accompany me on long drives with the kids. She’s a pretty great listener too. And when things were rocky with that side of the family after my divorce, she’s one of the ones who stuck with me. She never made me feel like I wasn’t family. She never had me questioning where we stood. And she always had my back. I’m thankful for her friendship. Always. 

And that wraps up my gratitude post for this month. What are you grateful for today? This week? This month? What do you do to help bring some positivity back into your day if it's been a bad one? How do you make sure to stay grounded? And how’s the beginning of fall going? Has the weather changed much where you are? Have the leaves started to fall from the trees? Let me know below. Until the next post, I hope everyone has a really lovely week! Adios!

“With age-old love I have loved you; so I have kept my mercy toward you.” // Jeremiah 31:3 

❤

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A Recent Fascination // New York City

I want to travel. And when I say travel I mean travel. I want to explore the world. I want to experience other cultures and have my feet firmly planted in another country. I want to try their food and drinks. Their coffee. I want to take a train from one city to the next. I want to hike up a mountain and swim walk ankle-deep into a different ocean. I want to wander through castles and old gothic cathedrals. I want to experience life on the other side of the world. If I had unlimited amounts of money that’s what I would like to do most- travel. Take my family to a new place every year.

However, I’m about 90% sure that this will never happen. That remaining 10% is me holding on to hope. If I’m being honest, I’ll be lucky if I can make the jump across the pond once in my life. And that kind of bums me out a little bit. But this doesn’t mean that I can’t travel somewhere closer in the meantime, right? Maybe somewhere that has a lot of different cultures and foods. A mesh of people from all over the world. And what better place is there to visit for that than New York City?

Photo by Jermaine Ee on Unsplash 

Taking a trip to NYC has been on my mind a lot lately. From wanting to visit the 9/11 Memorial to riding on a subway for the first time. I want to taste a real New York pizza and personally visit some of the places that have been featured on Humans of New York. Maybe even take a stroll through Central Park? I want to talk to people who have lived there for years and hear their stories - the changes that they’ve witnessed. There’s just something so fascinating about this city and the people who live there. I feel like there’s just a completely different energy there too. And I’m also kind of stunned by the amount of money people spend to live there. I mean, rent alone is outrageous! Check out this video for a glimpse. So, being able to see and learn what the majority do to survive there is something I’m really curious about. And then after finding the “watchingnewyork” Instagram account by John Cirillo I just have this desire to go sit on a park bench and people watch for a day. Take in all of the different personalities, if you will.

So, this is something I’ve brought up to Corey. While he didn’t live in New York City he did live in New York for a year and was able to visit NYC as well as Niagara Falls. And while he says that he has no desire to visit NYC again, he may make an exception if I commit to going. Which is something I’m really considering at the moment. Round trip flights are really cheap, but on the other hand, the restrictions right now are really strict. Though there is an option to book flights about 6 months in advance there’s no telling how things will be that far out. So, we’ll see. Right now, I just know that visiting New York City has moved WAY up on my bucket list.

Now, what do you think? Have you ever been? When is the best time to go visit? What are some cool places to check out? What are some budget options? Was the trip worth it? Is there possibly another place we could visit that offers about the same type of vibe but at a much cheaper price? Obviously, I won't be going anytime soon, but I’m definitely wanting to take a vacation every other year to visit a new place. New York City will probably be tossed into the hat as a contender for the next family vacation. So, suggestions are welcomed. Until the next post, ✌.

Wordless Wednesday

A Little Bit of This; A Little Bit of That

Well, how have you been? September is in full swing and the leaves have officially started falling in my neck of the woods. The temperature at night is also getting lower - which I love. Halloween decor is being put out and I don’t hate it. If Christmas decor can roll out the day after Halloween then Halloween can begin a month early. We’ve been pretty busy all around, and our move-in date has been pushed back yet again. At this point, it seems like it would have been faster to buy a house than deal with all of the setbacks this rental has caused. Alas, financially, the rental is the only thing we can afford right now. One of the main reasons for this is that I’m taking a nice hit on my work hours while taking classes. It’s unavoidable, so all we can do is wait.

This brings me to school! Back at the end of August, I started my fall semester. I thought I would be getting a bit of a breather because I was only enrolled in three classes. It wasn’t until the first day that I realized one of my classes was an 8-week class. This means double the work. So, I guess it’s a good thing that I didn’t sign up for four classes as I had originally planned. What’s crazy to me is how fast this seems to be going. One of my instructors already mentioned preps for our midterm and I feel like I’ve barely learned a single thing. I’m also taking a business communication class and after the first week, I sat there thinking, “Wow. My grammar is terrible. Who the heck lets me blog??” It’s as if everything I’ve ever been taught was wrong. So yea, that’s how that is going.

Mental health-wise, I’m doing better since the last post. I still cry a lot. I’m still sad a lot of the time. But it’s like my brain is finally accepting that this is just how it’s going to be. So, when the wave comes I just try to ride it out. I let myself think about whatever is rushing through my mind. If I get pulled under I let it happen. I allow myself to feel the emotions as they hit me. I sob in the shower. I have a breakdown in the car as I’m running errands, or I just have a good cry on my drive home. And then it’s over. It’s like I purge it all out and then I’m fine again. And as exhausting as it is, I’m just trying to live with it. Because it takes so much more energy to try fighting it. And I just don’t have that right now. On a side note: I’m not saying that this is a healthy way of coping either. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s the complete opposite. And if I were seeing my counselor he’d probably tell me that we’d have to start back with weekly sessions - again. Unfortunately, I do not have the money nor time to deal with my issues in a healthy way right now so this will just have to do.

As for everything else in life, things are fine. My daughter is doing great in school. Her extracurricular activities have kept us busy as well. Between athletics, cheer, and dance she’s usually wiped out by the end of the day. This usually leads to early bedtimes which I’m not opposed to. One thing we have been discussing more of lately though is switching her back to her old school. At the end of the last school year, there were a lot of changes happening with the teachers and administration at her current school. There was a lot of talk about problems going on behind the scenes. This was followed by over half of the faculty resigning. As this school year has unfolded there have been a few things that have raised some flags for us. And well, I’m not exactly sure how to feel about it all. While we do enjoy the four-day school week, and the smaller class sizes some recent issues have been a cause for concern. So, that’s where we are on that.

Corey was recently given a raise and a bit of job promotion. We’re very excited about this and it’s well deserved! He’s been entering kayak tournaments and learning a bit more on that front. He spends a lot of his spare time working on either the kayak or the boat. He also founded a local group that encourages other people to go out and fish. Even offering up one of his spare kayaks to anyone who needs it. And he recently re-applied for the local volunteer fire department. He was accepted and training for that started this month. So far, he’s enjoying it. As I said, it’s been a pretty busy month so far. Everyone has some activity going on each week.

I think overall, life is good. We're all healthy. We're all active in some way. We will eventually move into the rental. I'll finally have my dishwasher installed. We won't feel so scattered, and stressed. Eventually, I'll get to go back to attending a daily mass every week. Maybe even sign up for the RCIA classes. The fall semester will wrap up, for all of us. Our schedules will eventually calm down. And I look forward to having slow mornings on my porch with a coffee in hand. I might even find time to finish one of the many books I have started. One day. Hopefully soon. I can't tell you just how much I look forward to that.

 

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Hard Things

Lately, I've been feeling really sad when I have no reason to be. Some days I wake up and everything is perfectly fine! I listen to my podcasts. I sing my happy songs. Emery and I pray as we head to school; then I make my way to work. I talk to my sisters for a bit as I start making headway in my daily tasks. Coffee in hand, music playing. I usually get into a pretty good groove. But then, on most days, I start to feel emotional. I feel overwhelmed, sad, resentful, and a little panicked. I find myself wanting to go home and crawl right back into bed. I don't want to move. I don't want to do anything, really. And that's when the tears start.

Now, I've been down this road so many times. Depression really has a way of draining you. And while normally I can keep things in check, lately it's been a lot harder. I know what some of my triggers have been this time around. Some of the hard things causing me to feel like my world is crumbling. But even though I know, my brain doesn't seem to get the memo. And so, almost every day at some point, no matter how great it starts off, I find myself in this deep hole of sadness. It becomes really hard for me to get back into a positive headspace and then I take it home. Which I know isn't fair, but at the same time, some of the hard stuff is rooted there. And that can make things feel even more overwhelming to deal with. It's just easier to smile, and nod my head. Go through the motions. But who wants that?  

Recently, I've heard things like, "You're here but you're really not" and "Mom, why do you look so sad? Is everything okay?" And that kind of makes me feel worse. Because it means I'm not really holding things together. I'm not at my best and it's affecting the people I care about. So, it's clear to me that I have to do something. I'm exercising again after a two-week break so I'm hoping that helps. I've started taking Vitamin D again as my gynecologist said I was deficient - again. I've started setting aside a few minutes every day to pray on my own and really lay my heart out there. I've also started journaling once a week to hopefully purge the feelings. And I'm really hoping that all of this helps because lately, I've also been thinking a lot about getting placed back on anti-depressants. While I'm not a fan of how they make me feel after the first two or three months it may be something that needs to happen in order for me to feel better. To be better. To pick me back up again. 

The hope is that I can do this on my own though. While I'm a huge advocate for mental health, therapy, and medications when you need them I also know myself pretty well. Like I mentioned early I know WHAT is triggering me. I know WHY I'm all of a sudden feeling this way. I just can't seem to get my head and feelings on the same page. And in my situation, I know that medication is a band-aid. One that takes the discomfort away, but also leaves me feeling like an empty shell. So, I'm really trying to avoid that. I need to be able to deal with the WHAT and the WHY if I ever want to feel better. So, I guess what I'm really trying to say out of all of this, is that I'm currently going through a bit of a rough patch. And I could really use some prayers and/or good vibes. It's all appreciated. I know I'll be okay and I have some really great people by my side too. In the end, I know that the hard things will pass. Right now, I'm just needing to let this all out. Because putting it out there, and acknowledging that this is real...well, it helps. 💛

Wordless Wednesday

 

Fly Revival // Blessed is She

Last weekend, my sisters and I attended a Blessed is She revival night. Now, we all had to travel a good distance so we were only able to attend one night. But it was completely worth it! It was two hours of praise, worship, confession, and adoration. Nell O’Leary was the guest speaker, and she touched on many ways for us to build our relationship with God. We were all excited to take part in a night like this. And I was practically bouncing as we pulled into the parking lot. We took a few pictures, grabbed our goodies, and made our way into the church.

Now, everyone’s experience is different. And while I was excited about the event I had also been dealing with feelings of turmoil. However, as the introductions began I started to feel calm. But about mid-way through I had a huge jumbled mess of emotions welling up inside. Then as the monstrance came closer to us the tears just began to pour out of me. And that was my cue - I needed to get up and go to confession. So, I made my way to the back of the church to patiently wait for my turn. As I finished up I told the priest, “There’s so much more, but this is all I can say out loud right now.”

Because lately, there’s been a lot on my heart. I feel like I’m breaking a little bit. I feel like some of my prayers are going unanswered because of my choices. I feel like sometimes I’m wasting time, and others like I’m just going through the motions. I feel like I’m stuck. I feel like I’m trying to scream but no one can hear me. And I feel really sad too. While I know depression shows up in my life from time to time this feeling has felt like a completely different kind of sadness. And it’s kind of hard to explain. So, as the night drew to a close, I made a mental note to pray on the thoughts and feelings that surfaced while I sat there in that church. Keep seeking. Keep praying. Keep trying. Keep learning. That’s all I can really do.

Afterward, we were able to make a few purchases and I was able to preview the new planners that BIS is offering. I get the yearly version instead of the academic one so it won't be out until the end of the year. But the highlight of the night for me came in the form of a Franciscan Friar by the name of Fr. Mark-Mary! He’s one of the hosts on the "Poco a Poco" podcast, which I love. This was my very first time meeting a friar, and I got a hug out of it so that was pretty great! We were able to speak with him for a few moments and then take a picture before heading out.

Overall, it was a really great night! I’m happy I was able to experience it with my sisters too. If you ever get a chance to attend one of these events, definitely do so! It was just two hours, which fit really well into our schedule. The atmosphere was welcoming. And it was just wonderful getting to be around other Catholic women. I really hope that they start having more throughout the year because it was a beautiful experience! 

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Gratitude Journal // Seven - Thirty - Twenty One

Gratitude Series: Sometimes, I let the bad in my day get the better of me. Other times, I get so caught up in my own little world that I forget to give thanks for all of the blessings in my life. I find myself taking things for granted over and over again. So, today, I’m choosing to give thanks for all of the things.

• My Nephew: With his cute little voice and those little cheeks. “TIA!!” He calls me. We share a love of chocolate and I will gladly give him some when we see each other. You’re welcome, Kim. He’s constantly asking to see Em and honestly, he makes her feel like a big sister when he’s around - complete with the title. While she does have a half-brother, we don’t get to see him as often. So, her little cousin helps make her feel like she’s living up to that big sister role in some way.

• CHIPS: After years and years of paying for all of the medical and dental expenses for my daughter out of pocket, and taking on these huge ER bills from the few times we had to take her in, I made the decision to seek out assistance. Government assistance. Something I had always told myself that I would never do. Here in Texas when you don’t qualify for Children’s Medicaid then you have the option to try getting CHIPS. And well it’s no secret that my income, while a decent one for my job and this area, it doesn’t leave me with enough money to afford a family health insurance plan. Add school into the mix and well, my budget is pretty tight. The lowest we found at the time was $380/month with a very high deductible, and I'm sure it's gone up since then. So, I finally gave in and applied. And we barely made the cut. Now, this is not long-term assistance for us, and I don’t want it to be. But I am so grateful for it because we really needed it. And I know there's some judgment that gets thrown around about people who use government assistance, but let me just say this, “If you really need it. USE IT. That is what it’s there for and don’t let anyone make you feel less than just because of it.”

• Sweet Tea: My favorite “go-to” drink. One that I had to cut back on, significantly. Which makes me sad, but also, I get it. Texas tends to make their sweet tea - extra sweet. So, it wasn’t helping with my diet or the more recent lifestyle changes I’ve been in the process of making. But man, when I do go in for a full sweet tea rather than a water or half & half. Ooooh, it’s delicious! And if I could drink it forever, I would.

• Snow cones: One of the best things about summer. With the heat that we get and the humidity too. There are some days when it’s almost unbearable. The heat index gets well into the triple digits. And there’s nothing quite like treating yourself to a giant snow cone at the end of a really scorching day. I actually prefer it over ice cream. Personally, blue coconut is my favorite and I tend to stick with that. But occasionally I’ll branch out. Nothing too crazy though. While we’ve also cut back on these, mainly because we don’t have a stand right down the road, it’s definitely one of my favorite treats to get. And trust me when I say that I will definitely make that 15-minute drive back into town on those days when I’m really craving one.

• Trisha: She has been in our lives for over about a year and a half now. We started out with family sessions but at the beginning of summer, we incorporated couples sessions as well. And she’s just been wonderful! Emery really opens up to her, and Trisha has been a huge help when it comes to helping Emery work through her anxiety. As for the couple sessions, those are relatively new, but she does a great job in helping me see things from a different point of view. Sadly, we will only have her for one more session in two weeks. She recently accepted a job offer, one closer to home, and while we are so sad to see her go - we are also very happy for her! Emery shed plenty of tears at our last session, but because they’re just so fond of each other - Trisha offered to do once-a-month virtual check-ins with Emery at no cost to us. I mean, how amazing is that? I'm really thankful to God for putting her in our lives.

And that wraps up my gratitude post for this month. What are you grateful for today? This week? This month? What do you do to help bring some positivity back into your day if it's been a bad one? How do you make sure to stay grounded? And how’s the end of summer going? Any last-minute plans before the kids head back to school? Let me know below. Until the next post, I hope everyone has a really lovely weekend! Adios!

“We are what we believe we are.”  // C.S. Lewis 

❤

Wordless Wednesday

Maggie Valley, North Carolina

Part of our July vacation took us to Maggie Valley, North Carolina. We stayed in a really lovely home right on the mountain. And let me just say that the view was beautiful! We had a nice view of the Great Smoky Mountains. There was a creek that ran right next to the house, and every morning we’d have our coffee right on the front deck. It was such a peaceful place. The weather was amazing as well! High 50's at night and low 80's during the day. If that. It usually rained a little during the early morning, but there was always a nice cool breeze brought with it. That being said, this was definitely the less eventful part of our trip. Which I didn’t mind - they had the Hallmark Channel. I was also injured on this trip so the more rest I had, the better.

On the first day, only the men went out to go fishing. The rest of us stayed at the house. Did I mention we only had one vehicle? The following day we were all able to get out and about. We spent our morning at the “Wheels Through Time” museum where we were able to catch a showing of “The Wall of Death”. If this crew ever stops in your town I highly recommend watching them. 

This was followed by a trip to Soco Falls. Now, I was determined to make this trek to see the waterfall, and I totally made it! It definitely took me a bit longer than everyone else, and there were a few sketchy spots that I avoided. But I made it to the areas I wanted to go to, and I was so dang proud of myself! Once we were done it was time to head back up the mountain to take the kids to a Fantasy Golf place they had been begging to go to since they caught sight of it. And it was well worth it because the kids had a blast! This was also my very first time playing putt-putt. And then it was off for a late lunch/early dinner before heading back to the cabin.

The following day was met with a sunny morning and we were up in time to attended mass at this beautiful Catholic Church that had two glass walls. I can’t even begin to explain the sense of peace I got when walking in. After mass, we took a few pictures and spoke with a few people about the church. We even saw two nuns! And then we were off, back up the mountain! Once we got back to the cabin it started to rain so we tried to wait it out. I was able to take a nap, rest my leg, and then we all decided to spend the rest of our time doing some shopping.

And that was about it for us. They did have a lot of great restaurants, and we had just missed the "Thunder in the Smokies" bike rally. This area is heavily traveled by motorcyclists so definitely be cautious of that if you're ever there. Overall, Maggie Valley was a hit! There were plenty of things for everyone to do. I really wish I hadn't hurt myself before the trip, because they had a lot of hiking trails close by that I missed out on. I wouldn't even mind going back! Though if we do, I'd like to visit Cherokee, NC - which was just 30 minutes down the other side of the mountain. I heard a lot of great things about it, but sadly I was outvoted. And next time I'd like to have our own vehicle! It was harder than we thought having everyone travel in one. Now, after six days of being off/on the road, I know a good chunk of us were ready to be back home. Back into a routine. And weirdly, we were all ready to sleep in our own beds. Even though our bed seriously needs replacing. And I don't know if it was the elevation, but I found myself in bed pretty early every night and easily tired throughout the day. And heavy, if that makes any sense? Still, overall, it was a beautiful place! I'm really glad we were invited and able to go. 

So, how is everyone's summer going? Any fun trips? New places to visit? Have you been to any of the places I've mentioned? What was your experience like? Let me know below. Until the next post, hwyl fawr!

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The Ark Encounter

Well, we went on a semi-vacation, y’all. A few weeks ago we packed some suitcases, and everyone piled into a small SUV at 4AM. We drove all day, with a few stops here and there. And one little detour to visit the largest Bass Pro in the USA. Because let's be honest, how could a car full of hunting and fishing enthusiasts NOT stop? However, the ultimate destination was Williamstown, Kentucky and we made it there in about 16 hours. The townhouse we were staying in was very decent, and after settling in, everyone quickly explored the game room downstairs. However, we did get there pretty late, so we kept that to a minimum. The real adventure for us would be the next day. So, after a few hours, we got everyone ready for bed. Now the house we were staying at was only 5 miles down the road from the Ark. Since we had gotten in so late we ended up having a late start to the day. It was closing in on 10:00 by the time everyone was showered, dressed, and fed. Once everyone was ready we were off to start on our adventure! 

While the weather wasn’t anywhere near as hot as it has been in Texas, it was still in the mid-80s. Thankfully, we got there a little before 11 AM and the forecast called for a partly cloudy morning. As we made our way, you could catch a glimpse of the Ark from the road. And it was huge! I expected it to be big, but I didn’t realize just how big. Parking was a breeze, and the ticket lines moved very quickly. Then everyone was handed a map and an insert with all of the information for exhibits and short presentations. And as soon as we had our bracelets we were directed to a different area where the shuttle buses came to pick us up. The wait time here was probably 8-10 minutes. The buses run continuously and they had quite a few of them going back and forth so it didn’t take long for them to get back around to pick up/drop off another group.

Now, I won’t bore you with too many details, but let me just say that “The Ark Encounter” was an experience. From the minute you step off of the bus all the way until you board back on to leave. They have a lot of activities, exhibits, films, and short presentations. There’s a VR building that you can visit as well, which is really cool. But honestly, my favorite part was just being there. Walking into this massive boat - I mean it was huge. Learning about how it was built. The animals that were on board. Walking through some of the Bible, and then learning about how there are very similar accounts of what happened in every single country. There was so much to take in, and I still don’t think we had enough time to cover it all. Often, I found myself just standing there in awe of it all. And it was beautiful!

Tickets prices are: Adults 18-59 ($49.95), Youth 11-17 ($24.95), and Kids 10 and under are currently free. They do offer senior discounts as well as combo passes and annual passes. And while that may seem pricey upfront, it really wasn't bad considering everything that they offer. However, there are a lot of other extras that they offer which do cost an additional fee. There is more than one gift shop, a few outside vendors in order to grab a snack, and even an all-you-can-eat buffet-style restaurant. There was also a small bakery and coffee shop. They have a small zoo, a children’s playground, and a fossil find area. They have zip-lining, and camel rides for the kids as well. In total, we spent about 5 hours there, and this includes the VR experience as well as dinner at “Emzara’s Kitchen” which is located on the grounds right outside of the Ark. And we spent a little over $400 on a family of three (tickets & food included).

So, if the Ark is something you’ve been wanting to go see and visit, do it! I can’t stress that enough. It’s a wonderful experience. And while we didn’t have time to visit there is also a Creation Museum, about a 45-minute drive away which you can get combo tickets for if you have the time to visit. I feel like that was our mistake, not getting there early enough to make the extra trip to visit the museum. Now, a few tips would be to pack light for the day, get there early, and wear comfortable shoes. There’s a lot of walking involved. Also, if you tend to get cold easily, wear a light jacket or cardigan because they keep it nice and cool inside. If you have small children I definitely recommend bringing a stroller, and honestly eating there at the restaurant is probably the best thing you can do. They had a whole range of options and everyone in our party was satisfied. Even the picky eaters. We had kids ranging in age from 7 to 11, and they all expressed a lot of excitement throughout our day there. Most importantly though, just take your time and enjoy it!

Wordless Wednesday

June Wrap Up

June was a month, y'all. Originally, I had planned on taking a summer course to help keep me on track for the earliest graduation date possible. However, after a week, I quickly realized that the class I was taking NEEDED to be done in person. I don’t do well with “self-taught” courses. I need examples, instructions, and a lot of guided direction. I have to be able to ask questions. Especially when it comes to math-related subjects. So, I dropped it. And there was this instant sigh as I felt the weight/stress fall off of my shoulders. Little did I know, June would have other plans for my mental health and I would need every bit of time off to help gather myself.

At the beginning of the month, we had to say goodbye to one of our four-legged family members. And it was hard for everyone. We stayed up well into the morning hours. Taking turns watching over him, letting him know he was a good boy, and cuddling with him. But as the sky started to lighten, right before the sun came up, he took his last breath. While I’ve had to have two dogs euthanized before, watching one go naturally, was a much different experience. He didn’t seem to suffer, and we had him as comfortable as we could. However, it was something that I know will stick with me.

We also had to make a trip to the ER with Em due to stomach issues. There were a lot of tears and after she went two days without eating we decided it was time to see a doctor. After a few hours, and one medication cocktail later, they sent us on our way home with two prescriptions and a diagnosis that I had a feeling was coming. Just because of our family medical history. They did tell us if it continues to happen frequently, or if it comes back and it’s much worse then we may have to have her see a GI specialist. She wasn’t too thrilled with that, but as of right now we’re just grateful that it wasn’t anything too serious. She’s pretty much back to normal in the department.

Corey’s been doing a lot of fishing lately. And he already has two tournaments under his belt - one of those came with a cash prize too. He sold his small boat for enough money to buy a kayak and put a downpayment on a small fishing boat. It needs a bit of work, but it should be ready to take out on the water soon. Still, he’s been having a blast doing something that he loves to do. And I’d even go as far as to say that it’s also helped him adjust to the boys not being here. They’ve officially moved to their “in-between” city. They’ll be there until November, and then they’ll be off to their final destination. Well, at least for the next three years. And while we’ve still gotten to see them from time to time over this summer, it’s definitely not how it was before. So, Corey has now found himself with a lot of extra time. And he’s using it to do things he likes.

I, on the other hand, have been struggling lately. We had some setbacks with our future home. And the minute we start to get things figured out or fixed, something else comes up. I’ve had some personal setbacks as well. From having to deal with the very real possibility of not having another child to my consistent weight gain. It kind of put me into this weird state of semi-depression. If that makes any sense? I’ve tried for over a year to get things with my health under control on my own, using more natural approaches, but it's clearly not working. So, I’m calling it. I’ll be making an appointment with a doctor to see if I can get placed on medication. And that kind of feels like a huge failure to me for some reason which just adds to the emotional rollercoaster I've been on for the past few months. This is also why I am hitting the gym again. If for nothing else I get that release of endorphins which makes me feel a bit better. And honestly, at this point, I'll take anything that helps. 

It hasn't all been bad though. In the larger picture, overall, things are good. It’s been a very slow week, and I’ve had a chance to relax. Counselling has been going really well too. And we’re gearing up for a vacation soon. I’ve also decided to downsize my closet in the very near future. I recently listened to an episode of the "Poco a Poco" podcast, and it just spoke to me. So, it’s time. I’m hoping to have a good chunk of my clothes, shoes, jewelry, books, and other miscellaneous items ready for donation by the middle of July. And I’m really looking forward to it. Weird, I know. But the idea has made my heart happy so I know it’s what I need to do. Other than that, there isn’t much new with us. I hope y’all are having a wonderful summer so far though. Enjoy the time off and the whole country coming back to life. Though Texas has been ahead of that curve for a while. Maybe even travel somewhere if you can. Or visit one of your favorite local spots. Until the next time, take care of yourselves. 💙

Wordless Wednesday

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Wordless Wednesday

Maybe I Would Have...

Lately, it seems like my news feed is nothing but pregnancy or birth announcements. And while I’m super happy for everyone - sometimes I get a little sad about my own personal journey. Or lack of one. There’s no jealousy or resentful feelings - don’t get it twisted. My sister-in-law is going to have a baby! Several friends are expecting, including my bestie, and so is a co-worker. That one dude just had a baby of his own and he’s absolutely precious! And I honestly can’t wait for all of the baby showers that will take place over the summer. Then getting to hold all of these little ones when they arrive?!?! Eeks! I’m pretty excited. There’s really not much out there that's better than baby's breath & those tiny little hands and feet. The little wiggles and sleepy eyes! Agh! It’s wonderful. Babies are a blessing, and I'm really happy for those who are getting to add to their families.

It was something I had considered doing on my own not too long ago as well. Around the middle of 2019, I finally made a decision to save up enough money to try for baby#2 on my own in 2020. I had spoken to my mom about it one afternoon as we sat on my porch and I remember her saying, "If you want another child, have another child." Since I didn't think the dating thing would lead anywhere I told myself that I could spend 6-9 months putting money aside in order to attempt IUI in the middle of 2020. Well, then I met Corey and all of those plans went out the window. And even though we've talked about having a child of our own the "when" isn't something we've agreed on. Realistically with everything going on in our lives, that "when" just keeps getting pushed further and further back. The last time we spoke about it, it was so far down the future road that it’s not really a possibility for us that I can see myself being able to go through with. Keep in mind I'm 33 years old - soon to be 34. Now, my sister constantly tells me that it will happen one day when the time is right, but I don’t feel like it will. There are too many factors working against us, and not enough time to work through them all. 

So, recently there have been more days where I get bummed out when thinking about not being able to have another baby. There have been a lot of tears. A LOT. I've questioned a lot of my choices. I've felt terrible for promising my daughter a sibling, and never having gone through with it. For shutting her down last month when she asked, hopefully, if we'd make the spare room a baby room. It all hurt too much to think about. A few days ago as she cuddled up in bed with me she said, "Mom, I can be your baby forever if you need me to. I won't leave you." And for just a moment, I remembered what it felt like to hold her for the first time. I remembered strapping her in the car seat for our ride home from the hospital. I remembered how gentle we were with her and how scared we felt that we wouldn't get this whole parenting thing right. I remembered the first time she sat up on her own, and then the first time she rolled off the bed on my watch. I remembered her little giggles and the way she'd say "momma". All such wonderful memories - most that I have captured in photographs or videos. And I just felt super grateful for all of the moments.  

If I had known back then that my daughter was truly going to be my only child I may have done things differently. I may have tried to enjoy my pregnancy. It was so rough, y’all. Maybe I would have splurged on maternity jeans rather than use elastic bands to hold up my pants because I just couldn’t “bear to let go of my regular jeans”. The ultimate sign that I was getting “fat”, losing my “youth”, and my body would never be the same. *insert eye roll* If I had known she would be my only one then I may have tried to breastfeed longer. Saved a few more onesies for that keepsake blanket. Maybe I would have spent more time being present rather than going to school. Maybe I would have called my marriage sooner, rather than ignoring all of the signs and putting her through all of the unnecessary trauma. Maybe I would have held her more often and gone on all of the walks she asked to go on as a toddler. She was always asking to be outdoors. Maybe I would have savored those precious moments just a little bit longer. The little yawns and coos. The neck hugs and sloppy kisses. Maybe I would have held on a bit longer. 

I mean, don’t get me wrong. I’m fully aware that those little babies turn into tiny humans that eventually turn into angsty teenagers. Ours is in full tween mode in our household, and Lord help me. I’m also aware that they talk back and test you a little bit more with each stage that they reach. I know that the hormone changes can cause some chaos. And then when they start crushing on someone or even start dating? My gosh. That's a whole other ordeal we have to learn to navigate. Trust me, I know all about the struggles still to come. But I also know that the rough times are fleeting. That it’s all part of growing up. I know that there are way more beautiful moments than rough ones. I also know that I still have so much more to experience with Em! So many firsts and new adventures. I look forward to all of it too. My baby, growing up. In fact, I’m so grateful to God for anything he allows me to be there for, truly. It's just that sometimes I get a little sad when I think about how I won’t get another round of them. 

There’s a whole lot more that we have to consider now too. So, with every passing month, every year, I feel that hope for another child slowly fade. And I know in the end there’s a reason for it. There’s a bigger plan I can’t see. And it will all be okay. I will be okay. But somewhere in the back of my mind I can't help but think that if I had known that all of those firsts with her would also be my last, maybe I would have slowed down a little bit more. Maybe I would have savored them a little bit more. Maybe I would have...

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Wordless Wednesdy

Waiting

Recently, we were given some disheartening news. It’s been a few months now and we’ve processed some of it. However, it doesn’t necessarily feel real. Which is weird, because well, it’s very much so. Now, I won’t go into all of the details but it involves my ex-husband. Unfortunately, he’ll have to serve out the rest of his probation behind bars in a state jail. Before anyone jumps to conclusions or thinks some unkind thoughts, just know that he’s in this situation for doing the right thing. So, I for one am proud of him.

That being said, it's still a crappy situation. We’re grateful that he’s in a facility about an hour away rather than farther south a good 3+ hours away. For now, his family and I are just waiting to hear when visitations can start so we can take the kids to see him. And that’s probably the most heartbreaking thing out of all of this. While his sentence is on the shorter end, it’s still time that he’s missing out on. It’s time that the kids don’t get to have with him. It’s time that they can’t get back. And that’s rough.

Before this happened we were co-parenting really well. He was in Em’s life more. He was actually exercising his visitations and helping out when he could. He and Corey were amiable. And while his son’s mother and I are not the best of friends, we still get along. It makes things so much easier when you set aside the grown-up issues for your kids. So, it’s safe to say that this will be an adjustment for everyone in some way. But mainly for the kids. Em was already used to spending weekend days with him. And while Em’s brother is still little, which is a positive in a way, she now only sees him about once or twice a month. That’s purely due to our conflicting schedules though - no drama. I’m hoping once school is out we’ll be able to figure out a more consistent plan for the kids to get to see each other. Until then, I just do the best to be open when those opportunities do come up. 

And that’s where we’re at, at the moment. From my understanding, once visitation is open for him, we’re going to try having a set schedule so that he has visits from family/friends each weekend. Em has started writing letters, and so have other relatives. And he’s been added to prayer lists. I’m personally praying that this time goes by fast for everyone. And I believe I can speak for the majority of us when I say that we want nothing more than for him to get his life back together and have all of this behind him. Now, due to privacy reasons, this will be the last time I mention him until he's released. So, if you're of the praying kind, please say a little prayer for him and his family. The kids. They will need them. 

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Random Thoughts // Five - Twenty One - Twenty One

Today, I’m not feeling up to writing about one particular thing. It’s been a day and I’m a little tired. My brain is just not wanting to focus either. So, instead, I’m just going to write down some random thoughts as they come. See where it takes me…

Blogger has really gotten on my nerves lately. Editing/drafting wise. I know I had mentioned several times before that I wanted to switch to self-hosted but that’s such a huge upfront cost. One that I can’t afford right now. I thought about doing it myself, but I have no idea where to even begin. I could pay someone who offers a transfer service but they have their own costly fee. And I’m not saying it’s an unreasonable price tag either. I’ve seen some of what it takes to make a switch on a small blog. I can only imagine the pain in the butt that’s in store for a more established one that requires a lot more work. It’s definitely WORTH every penny to have someone do it for you. But again, the lack of funds is my issue. So here I sit. Grumbling about the horrible Blogger editor, the photo issues, and still being annoyed with the video feature they took away. 😒

The Spring semester for me is officially over - grades have been posted. I made it through with an overall 3.5 GPA!! Which is MUCH better than what I expected. And y’all, that was A LOT of work. A little over midway through I made the decision to scale back on classes for the fall. For my sanity and the sake of all my relationships. So, to try and stay on track I will have to take a class or two for this summer and next summer. While I’m not looking forward to the “nonstop” classes for the next two years - I keep telling myself it’s temporary. And in the end, it will pay off. I’ll be able to walk down that dang aisle to receive my Bachelor’s degree. Finally!

Moving right along. We officially have a destination for our summer vacation! While we had originally wanted to go visit California -as Corey has never been, this will probably be the last summer we get with the boys for at least three years so we decided to join in on Corey’s side of the family’s vacation. We’ll be spending some time in Kentucky and then North Carolina. And I’m definitely looking forward to some cabin time in the mountains. Plus, we’ll be visiting the life-size Noah’s Ark, which is a place I’ve wanted to visit since I heard about it. But what I’m NOT looking forward to is that 15-hour drive. I am thankful we’ll be splitting it up over the course of a week, but y’all we’re going to need prayers and/or some major good vibes. That is a LONG haul, and it will probably test me. And Corey. And Em. And everyone else involved. Ha! But I’m grateful for the opportunity to go visit a place I’ve never been to before. So, it’ll be good. I’ve got time to prepare.

Annnnnnd this seems like a good stopping point for today. I really want to lay in bed with a good book or maybe just watch a really good movie. Alas, there’s laundry and a good amount of cleaning to do. Adulting is hard stuff, y’all. Anyway, how is your end of the school year going? I pray it’s been a good one. Any big plans or vacation plans? Any suggestions for where we should go? I hope this wasn’t too scattered for anyone. Until the next post! Stay safe & have a wonderful weekend. Au revoir!

Wordless Wednesday

 

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Wordless Wednesday

Yours ≸ Mine

“You find your things to be more important than mine,” is part of the text message I fired off as I got home Friday night. I was angry. After giving three days' notice, of planning and reminders, my partner decided to skip out on a friend’s birthday dinner to stay late at work with his boss. Fine. Then he proceeded to go to the bar with his boss on a night that he knew I had to go pick up my daughter. “Hey, we’re going to the bar, want to come?” I can’t, obviously. It’s fine. He got home late, and then the next day, he spent it sick due to a massive hangover. It’s totally fine. Internally, I was so angry that I spent a good chunk of my evening crying.

You see, we don’t get a lot of free time. Even if my daughter stays the night with her grandparents or at her friend’s house, our time is still spent doing other stuff. Fixing things. Working. Schoolwork. Cleaning. Running errands. House projects. It’s always something. So for us to get a night that is completely free for us to do whatever we want, well I had really wanted to take advantage of that. Instead, I was angry as hell because he had chosen to go out with his boss and friends on a night he knew that I could not go. He had skipped a dinner we had already planned to attend. He came home really late, and probably shouldn’t have driven. And because of this, he was entirely too sick to do anything with me on the following day. I wanted to scream.

“Well, you can still go do something by yourself. Or go with one of your friends,” is the response I got when I asked if he felt well enough to at least go out for dinner. And that was laughable. My friends do not live here and he knows this. The people who I would normally call up to join me for a night out are all gone from this area and any others I may have considered are all pregnant. Doesn’t mean that they don’t want to do anything, just that they’re growing humans and I remember how tired I used to get. So, no. I can’t go with my friends. And going out to dinner by myself? Or a show. While I’m sure it would have been fine it was NOT the point. I just wanted ONE night. ONE night where we could do something that I wanted. A night where maybe I could be the one to get a fruity drink or maybe a (light) beer, and not worry about having to drive home. A night of listening to one of my favorite local bands and doing some dancing. And I wanted to enjoy that night of no worries with him.

Had the tables been turned, I would have never heard the end of it. If I set us back even by thirty minutes on plans that he has made I’m usually met with, “Raquel, you KNEW this was what we were doing. I gave you plenty of notice.” Then I’m being hurried out the door. Because his plans are important. HIS plans matter. And mine are more like suggestions. That dismissive attitude is what pisses me off the most. Because when he makes plans, I don’t skip out on them or make other plans without him. I don’t approach it with a, “Well, that sucks for you but I’m doing something different because I don’t care about your feelings” attitude. This is exactly how it felt for me when he blew off my plans. When he prioritized his boss and his friends over what HE and I had already discussed. And even TALKED about that very morning as we got ready for the day.

I don’t care if he has a guy's night out. He’s had plenty before. What I do care about, is how disrespected I felt. How ignored and insignificant his actions and words made me feel. I care about the bad memories and the crappy feelings that were dredged up because of this. How, for a while, I felt like I did in my previous relationship. And that’s not okay. I did not go through the worst time of my life and claw my way back up only to have someone make me feel the same way. Not after all the years of therapy. Of all the prayers sent up by me and those on my behalf. The years of hard work. NOPE. Not on my watch. And this right here is exactly why some couples go through counseling. Because sometimes, you need an unbiased person to help you communicate. You need someone who will call both of you out on your shit. Because I’m sure everything I just typed up there screams of insecurity and co-dependency issues.

But do you know what the cool part is? This time around I have a partner that is actually open to this. For the first time, I have someone who was all in when I suggested counseling a few months ago. Because we communicate very differently. He processes verbally and I process internally. And sometimes he’s straight-up oblivious to his actions/words, and so am I with mine. On the other hand, sometimes we aren't. Arguments can quickly escalate because we’re both pretty damn stubborn too. Though let's be honest, he is more so than I. And overall, we just handle things very differently. So, even though I was super pissed off all weekend we decided this would be a good topic to cover in our next session. And y’all, weirdly, that made me pretty happy. Plus, that willingness to try things on my terms, is pretty dang attractive.

I’m still mad though.

But it's okay. Because we’ll work through it.

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The Cursor is Blinking

I’m sitting here trying to figure out how to put sentences together. I have a long list of topics I want to talk about. News I want to share. Updates I’d like to give. Opinions that I have. But as soon as I start to type something I quickly delete it. And then the cursor just stays in one place...blinking. Waiting. Which ends up making me feel like my mind is this jumbled mess and I can’t piece things together to save my life.

📸:source

Because of this, I thought about taking a writing class over the summer to see if that helped bring things back for me. Maybe it would give me this spark of creativity again. Maybe it would remind me of the love I have for writing. But plans changed and it looks like I’ll be taking an accounting class instead. And this is currently my life right now. Putting other things aside for the sake of my education. For my degree. And the only person I have to blame for that is myself. So, I’ll stop complaining now.

Instead, let me just say that things are steady over here. We recently had some sad news that we’re still processing. My fall/spring semester is wrapping up in two weeks and then the kids still have a month to go. We recently had some cold weather come through and I’m enjoying this last little burst before the heat rolls in. Corey has projects left and right that he’s been super busy with. We are finally back at 100% capacity at our church. And we’re hoping to start working on the house that we want to move into by the end of summer.

Personally, I'm working on the things that I feel need to change. I'm doing my best to focus on school, my family, faith, and work. My anxiety doesn't grace me with its presence nearly as often as it had before. I'm going to do my best to break out of this writing funk. And I plan to use this little break before summer classes to finally make my way back to the gym. Because I need it. Other than that, I'm just soaking in all of the quiet. I'm enjoying this change of pace in my life. Things are good. And I hope that things are great on your end too! Until the next time, adios! 🌻