Hard Things

Lately, I've been feeling really sad when I have no reason to be. Some days I wake up and everything is perfectly fine! I listen to my podcasts. I sing my happy songs. Emery and I pray as we head to school; then I make my way to work. I talk to my sisters for a bit as I start making headway in my daily tasks. Coffee in hand, music playing. I usually get into a pretty good groove. But then, on most days, I start to feel emotional. I feel overwhelmed, sad, resentful, and a little panicked. I find myself wanting to go home and crawl right back into bed. I don't want to move. I don't want to do anything, really. And that's when the tears start.

Now, I've been down this road so many times. Depression really has a way of draining you. And while normally I can keep things in check, lately it's been a lot harder. I know what some of my triggers have been this time around. Some of the hard things causing me to feel like my world is crumbling. But even though I know, my brain doesn't seem to get the memo. And so, almost every day at some point, no matter how great it starts off, I find myself in this deep hole of sadness. It becomes really hard for me to get back into a positive headspace and then I take it home. Which I know isn't fair, but at the same time, some of the hard stuff is rooted there. And that can make things feel even more overwhelming to deal with. It's just easier to smile, and nod my head. Go through the motions. But who wants that?  

Recently, I've heard things like, "You're here but you're really not" and "Mom, why do you look so sad? Is everything okay?" And that kind of makes me feel worse. Because it means I'm not really holding things together. I'm not at my best and it's affecting the people I care about. So, it's clear to me that I have to do something. I'm exercising again after a two-week break so I'm hoping that helps. I've started taking Vitamin D again as my gynecologist said I was deficient - again. I've started setting aside a few minutes every day to pray on my own and really lay my heart out there. I've also started journaling once a week to hopefully purge the feelings. And I'm really hoping that all of this helps because lately, I've also been thinking a lot about getting placed back on anti-depressants. While I'm not a fan of how they make me feel after the first two or three months it may be something that needs to happen in order for me to feel better. To be better. To pick me back up again. 

The hope is that I can do this on my own though. While I'm a huge advocate for mental health, therapy, and medications when you need them I also know myself pretty well. Like I mentioned early I know WHAT is triggering me. I know WHY I'm all of a sudden feeling this way. I just can't seem to get my head and feelings on the same page. And in my situation, I know that medication is a band-aid. One that takes the discomfort away, but also leaves me feeling like an empty shell. So, I'm really trying to avoid that. I need to be able to deal with the WHAT and the WHY if I ever want to feel better. So, I guess what I'm really trying to say out of all of this, is that I'm currently going through a bit of a rough patch. And I could really use some prayers and/or good vibes. It's all appreciated. I know I'll be okay and I have some really great people by my side too. In the end, I know that the hard things will pass. Right now, I'm just needing to let this all out. Because putting it out there, and acknowledging that this is real...well, it helps. 💛