"Managing" Some Lows

Written on 9.25.25

Currently, I’m on my lunch break. Pumping, answering emails, and figuring out our budget in between bites of food. I’ve looked up several financial counseling services with a plan to call at least two of them to see if we can get some help. More on that later. It’s been a relatively long day, and I could really use a nap. Though I doubt I would actually take one if given the opportunity.

I’ve been feeling the pull of depression again. Low energy. Sobbing in the shower. Crying as I walk through the grocery store. Closing myself off socially. Not putting effort into my appearance. Not wanting to leave the house. Not wanting to clean or do laundry. Feeling like a failure. Giving the bare minimum at work. Feeling overwhelmingly sad. And having frequent intrusive thoughts. I’ve also had a few days where it physically hurt to get out of bed. Anything I have in the tank goes to my kids, and then as everyone settles in for the night, I crash out emotionally. The mask comes off, and I’m sitting on a pile of emotions I’d rather not deal with. It feels hard to breathe. Internally, I am screaming.

If you’ve been here long enough, you know I was diagnosed with depression as a teenager and anxiety in my 20s. Well, a few years ago, I started running and exercising as healthy ways to manage my symptoms. The more I did those things, the less I experienced low points, and eventually I was able to be taken off my medication. And for several years now, I’ve managed my symptoms with movement and getting outdoors. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to consistently run in a long time. And with current schedules, it will be a bit longer before I can even attempt to return to a normal running/workout schedule. So, my main coping techniques and stress outlets have been removed.

Knowing that, this would probably be the time for me to set up an appointment to see my therapist and then ask my doctor to place me back on medication. A band-aid, if you will. However, we are in such a crappy financial situation that I have to be very selective about what I spend on. Currently, counseling and medication are at the bottom of the priority list. Plus, I'm still breastfeeding, so I won't take anything that could negatively impact my son's health. Which means that instead of dealing with everything, I dissociate. I chip away at what I can, and try not to worry about the next thing. I tell myself that this won’t last forever. God will help us get through it. I tell myself to hold it together a little bit longer, and the help will come. I pray for my husband, my children, and our health. I breathe in and out. I unclench my jaw, and I get on with my day.

Hard Things

Lately, I've been feeling really sad when I have no reason to be. Some days I wake up and everything is perfectly fine! I listen to my podcasts. I sing my happy songs. Emery and I pray as we head to school; then I make my way to work. I talk to my sisters for a bit as I start making headway in my daily tasks. Coffee in hand, music playing. I usually get into a pretty good groove. But then, on most days, I start to feel emotional. I feel overwhelmed, sad, resentful, and a little panicked. I find myself wanting to go home and crawl right back into bed. I don't want to move. I don't want to do anything, really. And that's when the tears start.

Now, I've been down this road so many times. Depression really has a way of draining you. And while normally I can keep things in check, lately it's been a lot harder. I know what some of my triggers have been this time around. Some of the hard things causing me to feel like my world is crumbling. But even though I know, my brain doesn't seem to get the memo. And so, almost every day at some point, no matter how great it starts off, I find myself in this deep hole of sadness. It becomes really hard for me to get back into a positive headspace and then I take it home. Which I know isn't fair, but at the same time, some of the hard stuff is rooted there. And that can make things feel even more overwhelming to deal with. It's just easier to smile, and nod my head. Go through the motions. But who wants that?  

Recently, I've heard things like, "You're here but you're really not" and "Mom, why do you look so sad? Is everything okay?" And that kind of makes me feel worse. Because it means I'm not really holding things together. I'm not at my best and it's affecting the people I care about. So, it's clear to me that I have to do something. I'm exercising again after a two-week break so I'm hoping that helps. I've started taking Vitamin D again as my gynecologist said I was deficient - again. I've started setting aside a few minutes every day to pray on my own and really lay my heart out there. I've also started journaling once a week to hopefully purge the feelings. And I'm really hoping that all of this helps because lately, I've also been thinking a lot about getting placed back on anti-depressants. While I'm not a fan of how they make me feel after the first two or three months it may be something that needs to happen in order for me to feel better. To be better. To pick me back up again. 

The hope is that I can do this on my own though. While I'm a huge advocate for mental health, therapy, and medications when you need them I also know myself pretty well. Like I mentioned early I know WHAT is triggering me. I know WHY I'm all of a sudden feeling this way. I just can't seem to get my head and feelings on the same page. And in my situation, I know that medication is a band-aid. One that takes the discomfort away, but also leaves me feeling like an empty shell. So, I'm really trying to avoid that. I need to be able to deal with the WHAT and the WHY if I ever want to feel better. So, I guess what I'm really trying to say out of all of this, is that I'm currently going through a bit of a rough patch. And I could really use some prayers and/or good vibes. It's all appreciated. I know I'll be okay and I have some really great people by my side too. In the end, I know that the hard things will pass. Right now, I'm just needing to let this all out. Because putting it out there, and acknowledging that this is real...well, it helps. 💛

Getting Help and Feeling Better

For a while now I’ve felt my depression creeping up on me. Especially in the quiet moments. So, I kept myself busy. I turned to my usual coping techniques. And for the most part, I kept a lot of it at bay. I dragged my ass out of bed every morning, shook off the sadness, and kept moving forward. Sometimes with a smile; sometimes not so much. I surrounded myself with family, and I’ve done my best to stay positive. But the last week of October I felt everything intensify a bit. My normal stress & depression management techniques were no longer working. I cried; a lot. I felt really alone, even when I knew that I wasn’t. I had moments when I didn’t even want to leave my room. And even though there was a lot I felt happy about; there was like this feeling of sadness that hung over me. Financially, I was finally getting some breathing room so I felt that particular stressor starting to ease a bit. But then, I got the news about the car. And it just felt like for every step forward I made I was taking three leaps backward. So, that’s when I decided to make an appointment with my medical doctor and keep it regardless of how much it was going to cost.

If you’ve been reading this blog for a while then you know I talk a lot about seeking help when you need it. I’m a huge supporter of counseling and therapy. I also think that medications are a great tool to help you get back to being balanced. To feeling better. Whether it’s short term or long term, I say get the help that YOU need. However, that still didn’t stop me from feeling a bit of shame as I walked into my doctor’s building. I honestly couldn’t believe that I wasn’t able to handle all of my emotions and mental state on my own. “C’mon, Raquel, how many times are we going to go through this?” I kept thinking to myself. But then, my doctor walked in. She sat down with me and we talked for about forty-five minutes. We covered everything, y’all. My personal life, work schedule, how I was feeling, what I normally do to keep things in check, and she had me walk her through what an anxiety attack felt like for me this time around. And as I sat there letting everything spill out I actually started crying. “Do you see this? I have no idea why I’m crying right now, but it happens a lot,” I told her. She gave me a hug and told me everything was going to be okay. And all be damned if I didn’t feel some weight lift off of my shoulders. We talked about my previous medication plan, what goals I was wanting to reach, and based off of that she suggested that we stick with the previous plan. I had some blood work done, and then she sent me on my way.

It’s been a week now and I feel so much better, y’all. SO. MUCH. BETTER. I’m sleeping through the nights. I haven’t had a random crying session since that day at the office. I feel more in control of myself. There isn’t this lingering sadness that stains my days. The little things are not bothering me, and even though I’m a worrier I’ve been able to keep it from stressing me out. I can tell that I’m thinking clearer, and I actually feel mentally lighter if that makes sense? So, now that my medication has kicked in I’ll be working on getting back into a workout routine. And I‘ll start back up with my coping/ self-care techniques. Rereading some books that have helped me out tremendously when I go through times like these. And overall, just focusing on getting back to healthy. Both mentally and physically.

So, now I just want to end this post by saying: If you think you need some help, please go get it. Whether it’s a seasonal thing, or something way more serious and intense. Make the call. Talk to your doctor, or find a counselor. There are so many programs out there that will help you out, and several services that are income based. You don’t have to live life feeling like everything is hopeless. Like you’re drowning. There are short-term plans, and longer ones tailored to your specific needs. But it’s up to you. Be open; be honest. Put in the work. And fuck what anyone else thinks. Getting help, and wanting to feel better should never be something that you’re made to feel ashamed of.

Mental Illness Awareness

Lately, I’ve done my best to remain positive but I'd be lying if I said it's been smooth sailing. Financially things are messy. Isn’t that always the case though? As you've probably read, my weight loss has been non-existent, which is really starting to become a concern. I find that I’m always tired, and it goes beyond just in a physical way. I’ve noticed a few drastic mood swings that occur once or twice a month too. Though that could just be a bad case of PMS. Still, I do my best to keep a positive outlook. I know that things will be okay. I know that eventually, my hard work will pay off. I know that no matter what I am going through that there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Because life has taught me that everything will eventually pass. And I need to find joy in the little moments just as much as in the big ones. Whether it be cuddling in bed with my daughter as we watch her favorite movie, or throwing caution to the wind and eating chocolate cake for breakfast. I promise that doesn't happen often. Whether it's staying in I need to do more of what makes me happy. Either way, I do my best to keep the negative out and move forward.

But there are days, y’all. Days when I find it really hard to get through anything without having a meltdown. Days when I want to close myself off from everyone. Days when I get so emotional that I find myself sobbing in the middle of my bedroom floor. Or the drive home from work. There are days when a lot of what I’m going through makes me feel hopeless and helpless. Moments when I feel completely unlovable. Even though I know, in my mind, that this is not the case. There are days when my emotions sometimes take the lead, and I feel like I'm drowning. So, when all of this starts happening more frequently its how I know that I’m reaching a point where I need to seek out some help. To achieve some balance. I'm aware that there could be a number of other issues that are making me feel like this. A hormone imbalance or my thyroid could possibly be the culprits. And even though I had everything checked out just two years ago (my labs came back fine) these are issues that could be fine one year and not the next. But it could also be that my anxiety, depression, and/or stress are starting to surface again. It could be because of the season change or a cycle I normally have. It may be time for me to talk to my doctor, or schedule an appointment with my counselor. All I really know for sure is that there’s something that feels off, there are several factors, and I need to find some answers. In the end, what this all boils down to is me finally scheduling the appointments necessary to figure it all out. Or bust out my favorite coping techniques to get me through it to see if they'll help.

Now, this week is *Mental Illness Awareness week. And because of this I wanted to take some time today to just put it out there that sometimes we need help. And that’s okay. Sometimes we need to take medicine, short-term or long-term, in order to get back to feeling like ourselves. And that’s okay. Sometimes we just need to talk things out with an unbiased third party in order to get a different perspective. And that’s okay too. None of this makes you weak. None of this makes you less than. If you can get by without any of this stuff then that's great too! It's what I'm striving for, long term. To be fully in control of how I deal with things and how I feel. But don't think for one second that I haven't worked hard, or that it hasn't taken years for me to get to this point. That I haven't had help, or been placed on medication before. Just know that self-care is as important to your well being as it is to others around you. I can’t tell you enough about how amazing it is to have so many options available in order to seek out help. Whether it’s by phone, by internet, or in person. I'm personally a big fan of counselling. So, whatever help it is that you may need during the rough times, get it. If you ever want to talk I'm just an email away too. Let these resources help you. There’s no shame in it, and don’t you ever let anyone make you feel like there is.

*if you'd like to learn more about mental illness awareness and how you can help please visit NAMI.org

My Brother - My Hero Pt. I

TRIGGER WARNING: SELF INJURY, DEPRESSION, AND SUICIDE ARE ADDRESSED IN THIS POST.

It's okay, you can totally laugh at this picture. We went through a phase. 

The Many Roles Take Their Toll

Fair warning, this post is nothing but ramblings. There are no updates, no pictures of my little one, and a lot of confusing blabber. This post was definitely for my benefit. You've been warned.  

I'm a mother, a wife, a student, and an employee. I have many roles in this life and lately I just feel like I don't have enough hours in the day to play them all correctly. The phrase "Oh, but I have to do this so I can't do that" seems to be uttered more times than I can count. Because in all honesty, I don't have enough time in a single day to do everything that I'd like or needs to be accomplished. More often than not, when 9 o'clock rolls around all I can think about is sleep. How much I need it; crave it. I can barely keep my eyelids open, but I have to keep pushing past that fog because shit still needs to get done. By the time the alarm rings, signaling the start of a new day, I'm left wondering if I even slept at all? That couldn't possibly have been six hours of sleep. My body is tired, and my mind is exhausted. 

I've come to realize that I've slowly slipped back into this rut. I've put myself last on this long list of things that take priority and I'm currently paying the price for it. This seems to be the story of my life, huh? Consistency is not my forte, unless it's being consistently inconsistent. And I could sit here and talk about how I wish it were. How I'll try to do better. How I want this change to happen because I need to get back on whatever wagon I've fallen off of this time. But clearly I'm not at that place in life. Which is a real shame because as much as I hate routine, I need some in my life. I currently can't have a single plan in place because SOMETHING always gets in the way. Something else ALWAYS comes up. And before I know it, I just don't have the time for anything that I'd like for myself. Whether that's exercise, a diet, to read a book, to go visit a place, or even just take a nap. It can't be done, because there's always that something else. 

I hope that, sometime soon, things settle. I hope that I get my simple life back. I hope that I can go back to eating better, working out, giving 110% to my job as well as my home. I want to do better, and be better. Who doesn't really? I guess I should at least take comfort in the fact that I know exactly what "this" is that I go through every year. It seems to happen at about the same time every year. A cycle I can't for the life of me break, yet. So I know it passes, and I know that I'll push right on through like I always do. But here, in the now, it feels never ending. It feels so exhausting, and weary. 

I know as soon as I hit publish on this post my mood will lift. Something else will preoccupy my mind and I'll move forward like I always do. Hell, I might even get out of this funk as soon as I'm done writing. But I felt like I should write it down anyway. Occasionally, for me, writing can become therapeutic in some of the most unlikely instances. This is probably why I have many many journals boxed up from my younger years. So there you have it. The inner thoughts, at this very moment, of one tired "stretched- too- thin" woman.

p.s. Feeling better already :)

Unexpected Understanding

On Friday evening, as I was headed home from work, I had myself a good cry. I know it sounds silly, but sometimes it really is all you need. The issues and frustrations of the past month had been weighing heavily on my shoulders, and at the end of the day one short little phone call set me off. Our problems just seemed never ending. HOW would we afford to move? HOW would we ever get caught up on our bills? HOW was I going to pay for my extra classes? HOW would I be able to even afford gas for the drive? HOW? WHEN? WHERE? WHY? And  those are just the tip of the iceberg. At the end of the  day it was all just...too much.

Once I was home I shut myself into our tiny little room and just let it all go. Halfway through my little pity party Emery walked in, and she sat next to me quietly for a few minutes. She patted me on the back and asked me if I was feeling bad. I told her I was having a bit of a bad day, but everything was okay. She then stood up, and took me by the hand while saying "Mommy, lets get ice cream and go for a drive." So, I gathered my stuff, wiped away the tears, and we went for that ice cream and drive. As we headed out I started to play Emery's favorite music, but halfway through the first song she asked me to turn it off. Confused a bit, since she always loves music, I asked if she wanted me to just change the song instead. She gave me this look and said "No Mommy. Off." After ten minutes of silence, she started to hum on her own, and a few more seconds later she started to sing this song:

If you haven't seen Frozen yet, you should.

And don't you know, I started smiling. And laughing! My daughter, in her own little way, knew exactly how I was feeling. I didn't want noise, just a bit of quiet to think. And once I'd had enough of that, she sang me a pretty cool (and dare I say fitting) song. I looked it up on my playlist, and we started to sing it together. It stayed on repeat for a good fifteen minutes of our drive!

When we finally made it home, I wasn't feeling so down. In fact, I had a new resolve to figure things out. I need to have a plan and stick with it. We will get through it, and we will be okay. We're strong, and we're together. I know that our issues won't go away. Our money problems are still there. But, we'll figure it out. And I know that I'll do whatever it takes to make sure my family has everything that they need. :)

It's Back?

I have a colorful past. But over time, I thought I had overcome everything. At least everything from that part of my life. I thought I had set my weaknesses aside and was moving forward as a stronger human being. One that could overcome anything being put in their way. So far, I’ve done a really good job of this, I think. But lately, my moods have been throwing me off. I’m happy and then irritated. I’m fine and then really upset. I’ve been really really tired, and I find myself always wanting to nap. My energy is at an all time low. My appetite goes from being insatiable to nonexistent. I’m constantly unhappy and way too emotional for my liking.

At first, I thought I was pregnant again. But 3 tests later, and the results are still the same. So I took a day to really think about what’s going on in my head. What’s really going on with my body; with my emotions. And then it hit me:

Depression. 
It’s back.

So, I’ve decided to start looking into alternative and healthier ways to help get myself feeling a bit better. My first steps are to get myself on vitamins and get back into running full time to get those endorphin's going. This always seemed to help in the past and I’ve noticed that my change in attitude and feelings only started to creep back up when I stopped doing those two things. And if it’s not actually depression making a comeback then it still won’t hurt for me to get back into that routine. But if it is back, I refuse to let it dictate my life and my emotions. I refuse to let myself be medicated again. And I refuse to let it take control like it’s done in the past.

So I guess this means I just might be stronger after all, huh?

Frustrated

I am beyond frustrated. I am so uneasy, and I feel as if I want to just rip off my skin. I’m craving a cigarette so bad. I feel so trapped and I can’t even scream. I remember how things were before. When I would take care of it, one of two ways. But that’s not me. I can’t do that anymore. I’m over that now.

So why do I feel like the biggest piece of crap?

Why do I feel as if my husband is just walking through the motions?

Why do I feel as if I can’t breathe?

Why do I feel like this is it? This is my life. Going nowhere fast.

Why do I all of a sudden not want?

I just….ughhhhh……..FUCK!!!

p/s Due to some weird guy tagging the pictures

of my daughter, on Facebook,

I have decided to not post many pictures of her anymore. On anything.