Navigating a Financial Nightmare

They say, “When it rains, it pours.” And well, 2025 has not stopped raining. In fact, we’ve basically been flooding since our accident back in March. And it looks like we will be closing out the year with a lot of debt. It could be worse, I know, but this is probably the worst it has ever gotten for me. EVER. Between my husband’s unpaid time off after childbirth and the accident. Then, with all our medical bills, shortened hours at work, and not being firm on my “no,” things have gotten out of hand. And I don’t necessarily know how I’m going to get us out of it. I’ve narrowed our budget down as low as I can, and we are still in the red. And I’m getting further behind on payments.

At the beginning of 2024, something would always come up, or we’d have to dip into savings for some minor repair. I started telling my husband, “If we don’t start putting money into savings, we are one emergency away from major financial trouble.” Looking back, there was a lot I should have done differently. I should have managed finances better. After our son was born, I should have taken the medication offered to me when I was dealing with postpartum anxiety/depression. Maybe then I wouldn’t have been in such a crappy headspace for as long as I was, causing my husband to miss so much work. After the accident, I should have purchased a small SUV instead of letting my fear push me towards another larger vehicle. I shouldn’t have listened to someone’s advice and emptied my 401K two years ago to pay down debt as THEY had requested. It probably would have given us some breathing room this past year. And the list goes on and on. But I can’t go back. I can’t change it. And I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do.

Photo by NORTHFOLK on Unsplash

It’s all very stressful. The words “bankruptcy” and “repossession” have been tossed around. Neither is an option I want to consider, but if things get worse, I might not have a choice. We are trying to liquidate the majority of what we own that has any value to help us get through each week. And as I take pictures of things to post, I keep asking myself, “How did I get here?” I never imagined that I’d have to pick and choose between whose doctor visit is more important, or whether we need to go to a food bank so we can pay a bill. And so, if we barely have enough money to get us through the week, credit cards are the least of my concerns. That said, I had worked so damn hard to improve my credit score, and for years, I made saving a priority. So, for us to be in this situation, I’m often left in tears and extremely panicked.

I’ve done a bit of research, and everything points towards financial counseling, debt consolidation, and/or bankruptcy. I’ve contacted two financial counseling services to see what kind of support they can offer me. I also have a call scheduled with an accredited debt relief company that I found through the government website. While I wanted to negotiate rates on my own, I don’t have time to sit down and go back and forth with each credit card company. I also have no clue what I’m doing, so I need some help. It’s been such a long time since I’ve been in a situation like this, y’all. Though this time is probably the worst it’s ever been. I remember telling myself all those years ago that no matter what, I would not let myself get to that point again. And well, here we are. I’m actually really disappointed in myself. I knew better, and I just didn’t stay on top of things as I should.

A Glass Ceiling

In most areas of my life, I’m a people pleaser. Work/Life balance has always been something that I struggled with. So, when asked if I could stay to answer phones while others went to lunch I would say “yes”. Or when asked if I could switch vacation days because someone else needed to take the same day(s), I would say “sure”. When asked if I could help out when someone fell behind on their workload, I would gladly take it on. Because - I’m a team player. And also because - it’s hard for me to say no. I spent a lot of my time trying to be flexible for the sake of others around me. I would always end up feeling sympathetic for them and let myself take a back seat. Sadly, all that ever got me was a toxic environment, getting walked all over, and then one time I was “written up” because I didn’t turn in my work -which really wasn’t my work - into the person by a certain time. Mind you I was also going through a lot in my personal life and I was trying to stay afloat. It’s safe to say that those were rough years but I pushed through.

Then, we had a turnover of employees. Some new blood came in. Changes were in the works and I was being asked for input. “Things are going to get better,” is what I was told. And while that was still in the works my personal life fell apart. But I still showed up. I still did the favors. I still said, “yes” every time. Then I started getting some attention and in all honesty, some favoritism. I benefited a lot from this and it made me feel like I mattered. So, I went as far as changing how I did things to satisfy others. I allowed myself to be talked into doing or saying things because I felt terrible about others' circumstances and didn’t want them to get into trouble. Making excuses for their behavior. I hardly ever spoke up when others took credit for my ideas. And since I had my hands in several different tasks my main job was taking a back seat. I wasn’t performing at the same level as the others in sales. Which at the time, I was told was understandable because of what they had been asking of me. So, with hardly any conflicts arising, I told myself that things were getting better. I lied to myself and kept my mouth shut. 

However, this was also around the same time that I was told that there would be no advancing from where I was at. Even if I dropped the extra tasks and focused solely on my main job there would be no moving up in pay. The glass ceiling put in place was shatterproof. So, if I wasn’t going to be given the same job title as others in my position or the same pay, then I wanted to make a change. That’s when I opted to move into a different position. One with less stress. One that still allowed me to speak to our customers, allowed me to get out of the office, took advantage of my organizational skills, and afforded me some flexibility when it came to days off. And the relief I felt when I finally made the switch? Oh, it was wonderful! I was really enjoying my job again. I was feeling better about myself. Like I was helping, contributing, but also able to leave work at the door when the day came to an end. So, yea, things felt like they were great! And I finally felt like I had a handle on the whole “work/life balance” thing. 

It wasn’t long after this that I started to make some changes in my personal life. Because I honestly want to be a better person. I had already started going to church again in the summer of last year. I also stopped drinking for a long while. Even now it’s a rare occasion. At the beginning of this year, I started reading a daily devotional as a way to adjust my focus. Then I started praying before work. And in previous years I had done my best to remain tight-lipped when people talked about others in our office. Trying to be impartial. Well, I stopped engaging in those conversations entirely. And while we all used to openly discuss our personal lives I started to hold back on that information as well. Because, honestly, it’s not professional to talk about all of our problems. It's not professional to talk about our sex lives, and/or grievances with our spouses/partners. But I had been there, right along with everyone else, speaking openly about all of it. Especially with the women in our office. At the time, I saw myself as an open book so I didn’t see a huge issue with my behavior. Plus, it also gave me this false sense of friendship with my co-workers. Like my work friendships were more than what they really were. Though, I do understand that there are certain things you can share with coworkers. Things that help create good, trusting, work relationships. Be that as it may, looking back I was completely wrong in a lot that I willingly divulged. So, after a lot of thought and prayer, I made the decision to stop. 

And now, everything feels like it’s changing. The attention and favoritism are being placed elsewhere which was expected. Little jabs about religion get made occasionally. I’m not allowed to do things my way or make any changes. Certain tasks have been delegated to others. My duty list has become smaller. Things concerning me get discussed without me. Or while I’m out on vacation. My vacation and PTO alone should tell you just how often I don’t take time off from work. I’ve caught on to when I’m being used or manipulated. And it’s actually been very eye-opening to see. When I originally started -ten years ago this December- things were really different. And I understand that growth has to happen in order for businesses to thrive. In that aspect, the business is doing really well. I’m super grateful for all that the company has done for me too. Even now, in this pandemic when so many people have lost their jobs, I was blessed to continue to have one. And I can’t wait to see what the next few years have in store for the company. My boss has given A LOT of himself to make sure it continuously grows and I hope he reaps the rewards of his hard work. He truly deserves the blessings. I’m just not really sure where I fit in anymore? 

Where once I was told a degree didn’t matter, it now looks like it does. The changes I’m trying to make in my personal life seem to contradict with the work environment that is being created. Loyalty is not taken into consideration anymore because it’s been mentioned that it can only count for so much. Not contributing to what comes across as toxicity has me on the outs. If I don’t participate in certain things then I’m made to feel like I’m easily replaceable. And it feels like I’m slowly being pushed out. So, what is there to do? How do I change things around? How do I create personal distance in order to be professional and positive without being indifferent? What can I do to contribute more? How do I find renewed motivation to do better, despite the issues that arise? Or is this beyond repair? Should I just keep my head down and do as I’m told? I’m just, I’m not exactly sure where to go from here. For now, I’m not going to worry about the glass ceiling or the things that are out of my control. Instead, I’m going to pray. I’m going to do my best at whatever I’m handed. And I’m going to trust that God has a plan in store for me.

Distance Learning Struggles

First, I want to say that teachers really do deserve a hell of a lot more recognition for what they do. And definitely more money. I have so much respect for teachers and I know that I could not do their jobs. At all. Wrangling 20+ kids, teaching, dealing with parents, and having to answer countless questions every single day. I’d go insane. So yes, it takes a special kind of person to be able to do that job. However, what this whole pandemic has shown me, is that our schools were not prepared for anything like this at all. The game plan had a lot of holes. And unfortunately, it was putting A LOT of stress on parents who couldn’t stay at home with their kids. On families that don’t have access to high-speed internet. On children who do much better with hands-on learning. And well, this was a problem.  

On a normal day, my daughter is in what they like to call a “POD”. This is just another way of saying that she has different teachers throughout the day for each subject. So, when we were given the news that schools would be temporarily closed and all of the work would switch over to online, I assumed that this was something our schools had a plan in place for. An emergency back-up plan, if you will. Turns out, that was not the case. Our teachers had to come up with something within four days and then hope it worked for everyone. Now, I love our schools. They’ve always been pretty great when it comes to problem-solving and working with families. So, I felt confident that everything would work out and any kinks would be ironed out as best as they could be within the first week or two. It wasn’t until after we received the kid’s instructional packet & iPads that I started to feel a bit nervous. “Is this really how they’re wanting this done?” The instructions were confusing and they differed by subject. Online codes were incorrect, and there were partial assignments included for the first week. It’s now been six days of trying to get things going, and man has it been a struggle. 

Our kids were instructed to complete all school work via Google Classroom, which is great. However, each teacher had different methods that they would like the work to be done, shown, and turned in. Live Streams for lessons were scheduled in the middle of the day at times, and then there were THREE different apps that had to be used for communication. The same information was being distributed to both students and parents regardless of who it was meant for too. Then, each teacher had different online “teacher hours” as well. And some of these kids, who don’t have access to high-speed internet during the day, were not able to ask questions or receive answers because those hours would be over by the time we'd get home. Now, I know that this is a very sudden and new territory for ALL of us. And everyone is doing their best. I also get that these issues are something that families with a parent who is able to be at home could probably navigate through a bit easier, but for those of us who still have to work, we were left scrambling. 

With each passing day, my daughter was falling more and more behind. Since she has no access to high-speed internet during the day she wasn’t able to participate in the "Live Stream" lesson overviews which she really needed to be able to watch. So, I finally had to take a half-day off from work in order to help get her caught up. After a few back and forth messages with her teachers on Wednesday, we finally decided to opt-out of doing everything online. Instead, we’ll be doing what I like to call hybrid classes: paper packets during the day with online completion when she has access to the internet in the evenings. This looks and sounds like it will be a lot better for us. And I know that we weren’t the only family having these issues either because by Thursday morning there was a mass email sent out by the superintendent stating that this alternative would be available to ALL families starting today. 

Over the next two weeks, we'll see if this new method works better for us. When I first received all of the different instructions, paperwork, and classroom codes I felt completely overwhelmed. Not only was Emery falling behind after the first three days but she was having a hard time understanding what she had to do for each teacher's assignment to be considered "completed". I had no idea how we were going to manage and I was almost in tears because of how stressed out I felt by all of this. Thankfully, after a lot of communication with her teachers, I'm so grateful to them and our school for coming up with this alternative. For working with us, and understanding that this has all been a very drastic change for ALL of us. There will be a learning curve and it might get a little bumpy. Especially since they're considering keeping our school closed for the rest of this school year. But we're doing our best. And none of this would be possible without them.  

My Brain is A Mess Right Now

It's November. IT'S. FREAKIN'. NOVEMBER. When the hell did this happen? We're about to close out 2019 and I honestly feel like my progress this year was very minimal. I stayed stuck for a long time. I closed myself off to a lot of things. And now that the year is coming to an end I kind of feel like, overall, everything is a jumbled mess. I'm trying to make up for all of the lost time even when I know it's impossible. When I know that it's probably for the best that I just slow down instead. But that's just not in my nature, unfortunately. 

I've gone back and edited several of my drafts, so you'll see several of those going up within this month. They're not the greatest, but just know they were coming from a pretty raw place. And I've edited them to a point where I'm comfortable with the information that I'm sharing. Also, I have an extremely generous friend in my life that recently gifted me a Canon camera which has been soo fun to use! The pictures come out so beautifully detailed and I'll definitely be throwing up some of those photos soon. I currently work on a Chromebook, which if you know anything about them then you know my struggle right now: minimal storage space; horrible editing software. So, the editing processes has been a pain in the ass and extremely slow. BUT I'm grateful for what I have. Just know that this is why it may take me a little bit more time to get things edited, but it's worth it to me in the end. 

Creatively, I feel a bit burnt out. I have a lot going on in my life right now and the stress has been at an all-time high which totally zaps me by the end of the day. I feel drained with little to no motivation. I finally got myself a little writing desk in order to have my own little writing space in my home. However, sitting down to let it all pour out of me has been the hard part. I struggle with oversharing and shooting from the hip. Unfiltered and emotional. I usually give myself days, if not weeks, to decide whether I want to put a post out there into the universe. Because...once it's out there...you can't take it back. I've struggled with this a lot lately. There's such a fine line when it comes to privacy and telling my story. Especially when I'm only telling one side. It can often be hard for me to tell what the boundaries are which can make things..interesting. And recently Em asked why I didn't share more of her: her stories, her pictures, & her face. And the best answer I could come up with was that privacy was something we wanted to keep for as long as possible. And that statement is something that's been weighing on my mind lately. 

All of this to say that I have a plan. Sort of. I know that I need to get back on track with setting time aside for my writing. For December, I'm thinking of doing another "social media detox" as that normally helps me with getting myself balanced. It forces me to get outside, to pay attention more, and it allows me to write about things in a clearer way. I tend to read more books and take on more DIY home projects too. And it usually helps get rid of all the extra noise which is a good thing. Something I feel I need more of as each day goes by. So, there's a plan in the works, y'all. A plan to get my focus back on what I want, especially with the new year fast approaching. And here's to getting my ass into gear, yea? To a great, and hopefully slowish, November for us all. 

Hard Times

Written on May 24, 2016

This week's bills went over what I make by about $250. I got a notice from my daughter's school about how I forgot to send lunch money so she would be placed on the "alternative meal plan" until her account was filled. Then I got a note from the teacher about needing my $3-$5 contribution for the end of school year party. My daughter's surgery was scheduled for June 3rd, but now it looks like it will be pushed back to June 24th because I am applying for financial assistance. Due to some unforeseen circumstances, my entire savings account, my cushion, was depleted. Things had to be paid in order to not get turned off. I cancelled some subscriptions we didn't necessarily need. I asked for extensions, and even with that, I couldn't afford to buy groceries. I sat in my car after dropping my daughter off with my dad, and just cried.

The entire time, I ask myself how the fuck did I get here? My honest answer is one that I really don't want to say out loud: Me. I got myself here by allowing myself to be a push over. When my husband left, I was devastated and heartbroken, but during his absence I had built up my savings. My bills were paid on time. I had money to go see a movie, or get pedicures with my daughter on a whim. I penny pinched and saved. I was only having to pay for two mouths. Since he's been living with us, all of that has gone away. And I have no one to blame but myself. I let it happen. I "fixed" the money problems he got himself into instead of letting him figure things out on his own. I just pushed money into his lap so he could go out and get the "simple" luxuries he "needed" instead of allowing him to dwell in the discomfort that comes with not having anything. I allowed it. I was over hearing about how he had nothing, and how he never got to do anything. Always coming to me for answers because isn't that what a spouse is supposed to be there for? When he turned things around on me recently, getting upset for not being able to pay for a basic doctor's appointment/his medication, I allowed his words to make me feel like I wasn't doing enough. I'm not saying that this is completely his fault either. Though he did play a part. Being a people-pleaser when it comes to my family is the real issue. Ultimately, the problem is my inability to say "NO". I found myself being asked for a solution to our current situation, and I couldn't think of one. All I did know was that I couldn't solve it on my own, and without taking some pretty drastic measures.

Last night, as I laid in bed, snuggled up with my daughter I allowed myself to cry. I kept thinking about what all had happened that day and it was so overwhelming. After I had picked her up from school she asked if we could get some tacos, and I told her that we couldn't. She pulled out her little purse and said "Mom, I'll treat us to tacos IF you let me get a small strawberry drink." She then handed over $5. So, I allowed her to pay for her taco, a burrito, and the strawberry slushy drink that she wanted. When I got home from work she asked for a sandwich, but we had no bread. When I told her we could make some Mac' N' Cheese instead she wrinkled her nose, and asked "Mmm what about maybe just a salad?" But when we both went to look in the veggie drawer there was no lettuce. Or tomatoes. "It's okay mommy, I like Mac' N' Cheese, let's do that." And I felt terrible. I mean black hole in the pit of my stomach horrible. I wanted to cry right there, and apologize a thousand times for letting us get to this point. Instead, I asked my mother if she would let my daughter eat dinner with them for the rest of this week because I know I won't be able to afford groceries.

I can't believe that this is where I'm at in life. I can't believe I'm almost thirty years old, and I am still struggling like this. My paycheck is gone before I even get it. There is no breathing room. What the hell am I going to do?

:::UPDATE:::

I wrote the above portion of this post last week. Right afterwards I had an anxiety attack, a pretty big one, so I left it unfinished. I eventually did go out and buy some essential grocery items (bread, sandwich meat, milk, breakfast cereal, etc.). By Wednesday I had grown tired of not being able to make/grab something when my daughter said she was still hungry after getting home in the evenings so I decided to just go buy a few things that we really needed. I didn't care if the internet got turned off, or if the electricity was past due. 

We're still really strapped for money, and things have been really stressful. Thankfully, I'll be getting some overtime soon now that my daughter is not in school. Unfortunately, I now have only five days to find a babysitter. Our current sitter had some unexpected things come up for her family here, and it caused them to have to move up their Mexico vacation so she will be leaving next week for about a month. The original plan was that she would be gone for the end of summer in order to give me time to find someone else. But things happen which is understandable. I have no idea where I'll find someone who will watch her for less than $60 a week.  Can you believe I was getting that deal in the first place? That is about ALL I can afford right now. Which even that is stretching it. 
 
Here's a run down of what else has been going on: The little's last day of school was last Friday. I cried. My pursing a Bachelors Degree has been put on pause. Indefinitely. Cook's Children should be getting back to us in regards to financial assistance at the end of this week. If I don't hear back from them by Thursday we reschedule her surgery. With all of this rain flooding we've been getting it looks like we are getting a flea problem inside and outside of our home. Not being able to cut the grass has made things so much worse. The dogs are going to need extra flea treatments which are NOT cheap. And did I mention the flooding? This past weekend we had a family reunion which I'll post about later. It was fun getting to see everyone, and we had a blast. And that about covers everything. If anyone wants to give me $1,000 to get myself back on track I accept PayPal. :)

The Many Roles Take Their Toll

Fair warning, this post is nothing but ramblings. There are no updates, no pictures of my little one, and a lot of confusing blabber. This post was definitely for my benefit. You've been warned.  

I'm a mother, a wife, a student, and an employee. I have many roles in this life and lately I just feel like I don't have enough hours in the day to play them all correctly. The phrase "Oh, but I have to do this so I can't do that" seems to be uttered more times than I can count. Because in all honesty, I don't have enough time in a single day to do everything that I'd like or needs to be accomplished. More often than not, when 9 o'clock rolls around all I can think about is sleep. How much I need it; crave it. I can barely keep my eyelids open, but I have to keep pushing past that fog because shit still needs to get done. By the time the alarm rings, signaling the start of a new day, I'm left wondering if I even slept at all? That couldn't possibly have been six hours of sleep. My body is tired, and my mind is exhausted. 

I've come to realize that I've slowly slipped back into this rut. I've put myself last on this long list of things that take priority and I'm currently paying the price for it. This seems to be the story of my life, huh? Consistency is not my forte, unless it's being consistently inconsistent. And I could sit here and talk about how I wish it were. How I'll try to do better. How I want this change to happen because I need to get back on whatever wagon I've fallen off of this time. But clearly I'm not at that place in life. Which is a real shame because as much as I hate routine, I need some in my life. I currently can't have a single plan in place because SOMETHING always gets in the way. Something else ALWAYS comes up. And before I know it, I just don't have the time for anything that I'd like for myself. Whether that's exercise, a diet, to read a book, to go visit a place, or even just take a nap. It can't be done, because there's always that something else. 

I hope that, sometime soon, things settle. I hope that I get my simple life back. I hope that I can go back to eating better, working out, giving 110% to my job as well as my home. I want to do better, and be better. Who doesn't really? I guess I should at least take comfort in the fact that I know exactly what "this" is that I go through every year. It seems to happen at about the same time every year. A cycle I can't for the life of me break, yet. So I know it passes, and I know that I'll push right on through like I always do. But here, in the now, it feels never ending. It feels so exhausting, and weary. 

I know as soon as I hit publish on this post my mood will lift. Something else will preoccupy my mind and I'll move forward like I always do. Hell, I might even get out of this funk as soon as I'm done writing. But I felt like I should write it down anyway. Occasionally, for me, writing can become therapeutic in some of the most unlikely instances. This is probably why I have many many journals boxed up from my younger years. So there you have it. The inner thoughts, at this very moment, of one tired "stretched- too- thin" woman.

p.s. Feeling better already :)

A Lesson In Living In The Moment

Last Wednesday, I came across two things that grabbed my attention. This video, and this post by the lovely Sash last month that I just couldn't get out of my head. I highly recommend you read her blog since it's really...really good. Anyway, both of these things, though very different, sent a pretty similar message: Pay ATTENTION! Live in the NOW. Do things NOW. Look at life NOW. Put your distractions away, and live in the moment because it only happens once! 

Annnnnd that, my friends, is exactly what I plan to do starting this year. I've made a list of goals, pledges, & challenges for myself this year instead of resolutions. And at the top of that list is cutting back on my use of technology. As much as it pains me to say this, I've caught myself on several occasions missing out on things my daughter says or does because I was too busy posting on Instagram or catching up on my Facebook feed. All is good in moderation, but when your daughter has to repeat "MOM" over and over again before you realize she's talking to you, then you know it's bad. I literally cringed just now, thinking about it. As hard as it is to admit, and as painful as it is to realize, I'm guilty of this way too often.

Last weekend, I was sitting on the couch while Emery was playing with her doll house in my parents living room. I was sitting there when all of a sudden I just felt like something was missing, and whatever it was had to be really important because I was feeling almost depressed about it. I kept reassuring myself that it was nothing, and probably not that important is I couldn't remember. Then, I caught myself just staring at my daughter. There she was, my little baby, and I almost burst into tears. I felt my heart squeeze a little and for the first time in awhile it really hit me that time is not standing still. My baby is growing up. My baby is changing. I found myself sitting next to her, and studying her face. I asked her to look at me, and when she did I couldn't believe how much her features had changed. She still looked like my little baby, but at the same time she's didn't. You know, I see her every day and we sleep in the same bed, but it seemed like I hadn't really been SEEING her, if that makes any sense? She was changing and growing and I wasn't taking the time to really notice it. 

I couldn't for the life of me seem to process the subtle changes. I didn't want to accept that I hadn't noticed the tiniest little beauty mark had spring up at the corner of her mouth. Or that she really did stand like her father. Or that those baby cheeks, were almost completely gone! And I kept asking myself, "How in the world did you miss that?!?!" I mean, these things are huge! These are life changing. I sat there in disbelief for awhile; denial even. But those feelings were nothing compared to the shame and guilt that set in. I sat there on that living room floor and I was so angry that I let this happen. I let that time slip away from me. I put things off for my own selfish reasons. And when that realization hit me I was completely heartbroken. That is a feeling I never want to have again! I don't want to miss anymore of it.

Things are changing for us this year. I'm getting closer to my associates, and with that comes a change in plans. My daughter is growing up a little bit more every day, and I don't want to miss out on that! I only get it once. NOTHING should ever be more important than her. Everything else can, and will wait. So, after having that heartbreaking realization, and paired with those two attention grabbing posts, I felt like the universe was giving me a sign. A great big one. And lucky for me, time was on my side for once. I knew that I couldn't get back what I lost, but I could prevent myself from loosing anymore of it.

And that's why I'm challenging myself to limit my use of technology to just an hour or less a day, at the end of the day, and only once my daughter has fallen asleep. If I can do less, even better! Of course I can answer phone calls and text messages, but it must be kept short. Everything else is off limits until Emery is sound asleep. I need to start living in the moment. I need to start paying attention. And I need to start doing things NOW, while I still have the time. Because I only get this once...

"You just gotta appreciate everything. That's one of the most important things in life is just - really appreciating it because, we only get to do this once, and it's not for a long time so enjoy it." - Jay Moriarity

Changes?

Big decision. Life changing maybe. It's been really rough the past few weeks. I haven't really been myself. Our routines have been shaken up in the worst possible way. I know that we'll be put through trials in life but sometimes it feels like it's just one right after another. This morning I couldn't figure out if I wanted to laugh or cry. I felt like snuggling up to Emery and just sleeping the day away. But, I can't do that. Life goes one regardless of what anyone's current struggles are. So now, I just have hope that I get some clarity. I hope we can make the right decision. I hope I can make the right choice. And I hope that whatever comes next, I pull through still standing. 

Figure Something Out

We are broke. Like, negative in our accounts broke. It’s not fun, and it’s not easy. Not stating this for sympathy, it's just our current situation. When my husband quit his old job we already had a back up job in the works for him. Then that fell through, and the downside of living in a small town is that there’s hardly every any job openings. So he was at home for 9 months. Needless to say we drained through our savings. Then, last month a friend of ours helped him get a job at a restaurant in a neighboring town running the kitchen. We are so grateful for him to finally be working, but he’s working for minimum wage and less than 30 hours a week. So even though it helps, it’s not enough to cover all of the bills now that my parents are gone. I honestly have no idea how we’re going to get by.

So yesterday, my brother and Kim called me asking about how much the bills were costing? They asked if I’d consider letting them move in with us as soon as their lease was up this month. I let them know how much everything cost. I let him know that I wouldn't be offended if they’d rather stay where they’re at and just resign a new lease than come out to our house. Because I won’t. So we left it at them thinking it over, and me leaving the spare room empty until they decided.

To say that them moving in would help me out is a huge understatement. Splitting the bills is the only way I see us getting by. It would be a huge weight off of my shoulders. But as soon as I mentioned the idea to my husband, he wasn't too pleased. He likes us being on our own and having the privacy. He likes it being just the tree of us. So I had to remind him that realistically, we’d end up having the electricity cut off on us around Christmas if we didn't figure something out. THIS was the only way I saw us getting any type of breathing room when it comes to finances. So if they did decide to move in with us, he’d just have to suck it up. Unless he can find a job that pays $13-16 per hour, we need to figure something else out, and my brother even considering moving in with us should be looked at as a blessing.

But it’s still a big IF. They could decide that it wouldn't be reasonable, financially for them to be so far away from work and school. And I’d be back at square one, trying to figure out what to do. But we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. Until then, I have to stay positive about things. I have to keep moving forward.

Here We Go Again

Before we took our vacation in January, my husband was having problems at work. His old supervisor had quit around October of last year and his new supervisor did not like him. Maybe it was my husband’s tattoos? Maybe it was my husband’s “California style”? Or maybe he just didn’t click with my husband? Either way, it showed. It reflected in his treatment of my husband.

After coming back from our vacation we found some things out. Some things in regard to wages and positions. We didn’t ask to be let in on what had happened, someone just thought it was unfair, and that we should know. It bothered my husband, but after talking about it we decided to just let it go. Fast-foreword to four weeks ago, and my husband asked about a raise. He’s been there for over a year, and he wanted to know if there would be evaluations of some kind, or if he would be entitled to some kind of a raise. He was told, by his supervisor, that he’d get a 10¢ raise. My husband told him to not worry about it because that would hardly effect his pay check. The supervisor became offended.

Since then, some major drama has unfolded. There have been random drug tests, docks in pay, terminations, searching of employee's vehicles without permission, drastic hour cuts, and some people have been demoted. A whole group were dropped back down to minimum wage, my husband included. So last Friday, after much discussion, we finally came to a decision. He quit his job.

I spent the entire weekend in shock. Here we go again, down to being a one income family. I remember how this used to feel. Living pay check to pay check. Barely having enough money to get by. It wasn’t fun. It was hard, and I spent a lot of time feeling like a failure for not being able to get things for my daughter without help. Thankfully, this time my father has offered to get my husband hired on at his workplace as soon as they start opening up for positions. The downside to this is that it could be anywhere from 3-10 weeks before he can do this. Still, I’m counting my blessing. Last time we went through this, we had no money saved up. This time we do. It will at least hold us over until he can find another job. So for that, I am thankful.

But now, comes the part where we buckle down, and budget right down to the penny. No movies, no books, no eating out, no weekend outings, and no extra trips to the grocery store. I've also decided to cut down our TV programing, and a lot of other things we don’t really need, in order to trim off some of our monthly expenses. 

So, here we go...again. 

Picking Myself Up

I’m constantly trying to make things better in my life. I've cut a lot of negativity out. I've kept myself out of trouble. Kept my husband out of trouble. And I've slowly but surely started chipping away at our debt. I’m trying. Really, really, hard. But there are things, sometimes people, in my life that continue to come up. Never in a good way. And I feel like I’m just being held back. I feel like the very minute all of the good I’m doing starts to pay off, something happens and my world comes crashing down. And on my way down, neither my actions nor words can soften the blow.

I hate this. I hate feeling like I have to constantly pick myself up and dust myself off. I hate how there are so many repercussions. Not just for me and my family, but also for the people who surround us. I’m so tired of feeling like this.

Um..yeah...

This week has been really hard, emotionally, for me. Not exactly sure why though. All I know is that my emotions are all over the place. Every damn things makes me cry. And  before you think it, no, I’m not pregnant. On top of that, we can’t seem to get rid of this cold. It keeps making it’s way back into our family. A sick toddler, makes for a very unpleasant few days. Sorry I lagged in posts this week. It’s just been “one of those” weeks.

I Need A Ride

You’re probably tired of me complaining about gas and money problems, huh? If so, feel free to skip this first part of the post. Any who, I’ve talked about our gas dilemma, and my financial worries ever since starting school. Well, last weekend my parents wanted me to get some flea treatments for Sampson because he’s been scratching lately. When I told them it would have to wait they immediately wanted to know why I couldn’t afford to buy them. They always want to know everything about our lives. I told them about our low checks, and how it would just have to wait till this week. The lectures started. My parents didn’t understand why my husband just didn’t go and find another job if his current one was cutting his hours. But finding a job in this town is not that easy and that recent cut in hours was only temporary. I, on the other hand, don’t really have a choice because I have to go to class. So I just told them that we couldn't help it. This was how it was going to be for a little while. Now, I’m appreciative that my husband is steadily gaining his hours back each week and he should be back to his full forty hours by next week! But that doesn't change the fact that we’re still taking a hit on gas cost. I spent $180 just in gas, during last week. My husband spent at least $90. That’s a lot of dough!

So my parents decided to come up with their own “plan”. They would lend me $4,000 to find myself a used car. I love them and I am so grateful for their help, but I feel like this will put us in an even bigger hole financially. When I told my mom about my hesitation, she said “We already sent for the money and we’ve set up a time this weekend to go look at an ‘SUV’ in town.” In the meantime, I was told to look around. Dealerships don’t ever have anything nice with low miles for less than $10,000 so I quickly quit looking at those, and the real search began. I looked through Cars.com, Auto Trader, and Craigslist. I browsed a few local small dealerships, and some “on the side of the road-for sale by owner” ones. Unfortunately, with less than $7,000 my options were very limited. Still, I found a few that could possibly work. They didn’t have the greatest mileages, but were still in decent condition. My mother’s been looking as well, and now we’re just trying to weed out the bad ones.

Still, this search has left me feeling a bit frustrated and exhausted. My parents want to find something this weekend, and I don’t have the energy to be going all over Texas to try out cars. But I should be grateful that I’m even getting the chance to get one. I wanted a car, 4 cylinder, that would get me GREAT gas mileage. But my dad said he doesn’t trust small cylinder cars with high mileages. Then my mother said with us having Emery we should look into a small SUV with 6 cylinders because they's have more room and still get decent MPG. So that’s what we’ve been looking into. We’ve emailed and called a few potentials but either they’ve been sold or we haven’t heard back. It’s been such a hassle! Car shopping is so not fun when you’re broke, lol!

I’m almost tempted to just get the Ford Escape my parents checked out just to be over this already. I can’t believe I’m actually doing it though. I'm still pretty hesitant about the whole situation. I'm suppose to pay them back with our tax return for next year, but I don't think I can afford to give them our entire tax return. I'm a bit concerned about that. I swear I’m going to have to let them enslave me just to pay them back for everything they’ve helped me with. I’m going to owe them for the rest of my life. Ugh! Wish me luck, please?! 

Stressin That Money!

I stated before that we operate with one car, and my parents are allowing me to use their truck for work and school. As grateful as I am for that it’s killing me when it comes to gas. I alone am spending over $140 a week. Factor in my hubby going to and from work, another $90, and that’s about half of my pay check. More so now that I won’t be getting a full 40 hour week. So now money is an issue again. *sigh* Before, we had enough to set aside in our savings for emergencies. But with the recent hit in our paychecks, we haven’t had much of anything left over.

So my conclusion is that I need a gas saving car. Too bad they cost money, huh? DAMN! Not just any gas saving car, either. I need a reliable one. I don’t want to risk a tire popping off, or to be left stranded on the side of the road. Especially if I have Emery with me. And as strict as my teachers are, I can’t afford to miss classes. So I need a car that won’t breakdown or cost me more in repairs than it’s worth (like our current vehicle). Unfortunately, most of these you find in dealerships, and they’re way over $1,000, which is more than I have saved up at the moment. We can’t afford payments and even if we could, my credit sucks! So, I’m pretty much in a shitty situation.

I miss my old car. I miss only using $40 a week in gas. I miss having my OWN transportation. And after already spending over $100 in gas this week, I’m wishing we still had it. I’m still pissed at the repair shop that didn’t actually “repair” the car correctly, causing my car to crash. I’m pissed off at the loan company, for adding “interest” to my total cost. This is one of the reasons why my credit now sucks. And I’m pissed off at my insurance company for not thinking it was “worth the money” to fight the repair shop in court, or pay the full amount to the loan company. Yea...I’m still a bit bitter about the whole thing.

This isn't actually my car, but mine was exactly the same as this one. Down to the window tint and "spoiler".

I was left without a car, no money to buy another car, and in debt. This has not been a very fun experience. It really hurt us in the long run. Now, I know I can’t dwell on the past, and I can’t focus on the “what ifs”. But on days like this, I can’t help but think of how much easier that second car would have made things. How much more convenient it would have made every day life. My parents could have their truck back, and I wouldn’t be skipping meals in order to afford gas for the week. Ugh!!

I know other people have it worse, and truly I am so grateful for all of the blessing I’ve received. I’m just a little on edge, and a bit concerned with our finances. Things are costing more than what we’re making and on top of that, we found out we still owe the court some money. I’m tired, my brain hurts, and I’m trying to adjust to this new schedule of mine. So, I just needed to write this to get it off my chest. Hope you guys have had a better week! One more day before the weekend, YAY! 

School, Again?

I need to get my stuff together. Today, I woke up and I looked around. Just sat there and took everything in. I couldn’t help but feel like a bit of a failure. Emery was there sleeping peacefully, but so many things flashed through my head. About her future. About our family's future.

I’ve dabbled in trying to get back into school or doing continuing education courses before. But I have no idea what I want to do! I don’t know if I could handle being a nurse, or radiologist. Do I want to be a teacher or a business major? I mean seriously, I have no clue what I would find fulfilling! That’s a lot of money that would be wasted if I didn’t stick with whatever it is that I chose. I don’t want to do that. I want to be certain and to get something out of it. Time is so not on my side either! I’ve tried to make time to study before, but it is sooooo hard! I’m a mom, wife, and work full time. Where the hell do I find time to study, go to school, and get all of my other “normal” stuff done? How do other people do it?? Oh, and anything I chose to do, would have to be mostly online because I don’t have the money to be traveling back and forth. So does that limit me on what I can or can not get a degree in? Uggh!! So many QUESTIONS!!

Then, I have a problem with my diploma. It isn’t really valid because of who we went through. I mean, it is valid, I did graduate, but I was homeschooled. And some college don’t accept it unless it was through a credited program. And most kids that are homeschooled end up taking the SAT, ACT, or TAAKS test so that’s how they are able to get into colleges. I never took any of those. I high tailed it out of Texas to go experience “life”. So there are so many circles you have to jump through, it’s ridiculous. But if you don’t have any of those tests taken, you can try going through getting a GED. Which means my diploma would mean nothing, and I’d have to start all over. And I really don’t want that.

But today, when I woke up and looked around. All I saw was us being confined to two rooms. No money to fix up what we needed. Floors halfway finished. No hot water, or working shower and toilet. And I looked at my daughter and couldn’t help but feel ashamed. This is not the life I want for us. I don’t want to be “barely getting by” all of the time. I want to be able to have a job no matter what state the economy is in, and I don’t want to be held back because all I have is a high school education. I want an actual home. I want to be able to fix things when they get broken, not steadily have to save to fix one thing at a time. I want a good sized income. I want to be able to take a vacation! I love my parents and I am so very grateful to them for helping us and for letting us stay in the house next door. It’s a roof over our heads after all. But I don’t want to rely on them forever. I don’t want to always use them as a fallback plan. They don’t deserve that, and my family doesn’t deserve that.

So now, I need to figure out how to get started. There is a really good community college about an hour away, but I work Mon.-Friday 8-5 and they don’t stay open past 4 pm. They don't hold appointments on the weekends either. Right now, I only take days off if Em is really sick because I have no paid vacation of sick days. And trust me, I take a hit if I miss a day. I wish there was someone I could talk to that could just help me! Point me in the right direction, tell me what my steps need to be. Because I have no clue. I don’t know where to get started, and even though I have friends who are going to college, most of them are not in my situation. They’ve taken the tests and so they don’t have to jump through so many hoops.

I’m completely lost. Anyone out there have any advice? I could really, really use some right about now. I know that going back to school is what I need to do. I know that this is the only way I will get anywhere in life really. Especially since I have no other talents or aspiration to own my own company one day. So, now I just have to get there. But that is so much easier said than done. 

Taking A Step Back

It has been pouring today. I love the rain. I love how dark it gets. I love the sound of it on the tin roof. God is definitely good. I know from my previous posts that, that last sentence was probably the last thing you expected to hear come out of me today. But, after letting all of those frustrations out, and after really thinking about things, I’ve decided to give myself a day. Today, I will eat whatever I want (in moderation), and I will give out explanations to the people I think we deserve to give one to. I will let myself be a bit angry and sad. I will allow my husband to sulk. I will go home to rest, relax, and love on my family. But after today, it’s on to the next thing. Moving on with life.

We are only human. We will make mistakes. We will have good times and bad ones. Unexpected things will happen. We will do wrong and we will be wronged. We will do good and we will be treated well. We will have such joyful moments and some hard mournful ones. People will love us and say wonderful things about us. Others will hate us and say awful things about us. But such is life. And no matter what we must live, learn, forgive, forget, and move onward. I am at peace with this.

I must not take things for granted. I must enjoy my family, my true friends, and the time we have together. And so long as we try to better ourselves, I refuse to worry about what others think about me and my family. I must leave things in God’s hands, and only worry about what he thinks of us. So after today, it’s back to positive thinking, back to eating healthy, and back to my old self. Because in all honesty, we (my family), are the only ones that really truly matter to me. If we’re healthy and happy, there is nothing more I should need.

And I’m definitely OK with that. 

p/s Thank you Rach for praying for me.

I really appreciate it, and was definitely in need of it.

Please don't stop either, I feel we are about to go through 

some pretty difficult/stressful times. 

p/s/s Please keep Ronan's family in your prayers as well. 

Rewind

When things get busy at home, I find that I put my blog(s) on the bottom of my list of things to do. Which is what happened last week. Then this past week, I just kind of threw in a post about how my fitness was going and how I felt about “the” wedding before even really updating any of you on how things were going! Ooops! So now that it’s Sunday, and I have a minute or two to spare I’m going to fill you guys in.

First, yes, I changed the layout again! I just couldn’t wait for summer to refresh the page. Sorry! But anyway, the week before last was pretty insane. My husband’s game was filled with team drama, the “coach” had no clue what to do, and so it all summed up to my husband “quitting”. He just said that if they needed an extra player to give him a call. Otherwise, he would no longer be going to practice or the games. Yea, it was bad. Now, he’s agreed to jump into something new. A band. Yes, a band. At first, I was a little pissed because he pretty much agreed to it before talking to me first, which always drives me CRAZY! And it’s not because of the band itself, but because this band is NOT local. The members are younger than us (by a year or three) and they are spread out EVERYWHERE! But none of them really have family responsibilities, and so they can just all travel whenever, wherever. My husband can’t. But, what’s done is done. They had two practices last weekend, one yesterday and it looks like all of the members really like what he’s going to bring to the table. They are trying for a “harder” sound, and maybe a new name. I got to meet all of them and they seemed pretty nice as well as very understanding of the fact that we’re parents and with that comes obligations. They haven’t said, officially, that my husband is in yet, but the main guy that runs the show told us on Friday he was very excited about this new direction my hubs was taking them in. So, I guess it’s time to start promoting for my husband's new band, huh?

Click

Next, our explorer is a piece of crap. But, it’s the only vehicle we have. Some drama happened over it last week with the shop who was supposed to fix it. I’m still fuming over it, but it ended with me paying $520.20 for NOTHING. They literally did nothing to fix it. All the problems that we took it in for were still going on. We finally just picked it up this past Wednesday and drove it to another shop. So total, we spent $660.20, when all we really should have spent was $140.00. Yes, I’m pissed. No, there isn’t anything we can do about it. But at least it’s fixed, for now.

Then, Easter was a mess. I was grateful for the three day weekend but I had just hoped it would have been less hurried! On Saturday my family had an Easter get together; nothing big. Family and good food as usual with no huge ordeals so it turned out pretty nice. My husbands family wanted to get together on Sunday, and it turned out to be a bit more stressful. Someone was fighting, someone else was upset that we brought beer when there was a recovering alcoholic (really, it completely slipped my mind bc that person has been back and forth so many times this past year), and then Beau and I were arguing. Emery had a good time though! She actually hunted eggs, and they had a swing set there and she wanted to just swing all day! So, I didn’t want to deprive her of a good “first” Easter. 

This past week was a bit more calm, with the exception of the explorer drama and the money wasted. A friend of ours got engaged Thursday! So I’m super excited about that! I start my hardcore diet on Monday, and I’m a bit nervous but hopeful! This next weekend I’m hoping will be a slow calm one? But first, this upcoming Tuesday is my hubby’s FIRST SHOW! Definitely post pictures of that! We’re in the last few steps of getting my husband’s license and I’m praying it goes smoothly. I’m praying that if anything has to be paid here in Texas that it will be a reasonable amount. Other than that, I have nothing new to share. Last week was hectic at work, and at home but I’m steadily getting back to a balance. Hope everyone is doing well! I’ll be back in full swing this week!!

Fuck! <----Yea. That's Right, I Said It!

Today has been a frustrating day. Everything is hitting me all at once. I feel like I'm about to snap; it won't be pretty.

Here are the key points:

• My boss is awesome, and I’m so happy for their new addition. But my goodness, this place is a mess without him! I’m counting the days till he comes back so I won’t feel so lost.

• FUCK Cancer, FUCK CF, and FUCK anything that causes pain, suffering and takes the lives of innocent babies. They are innocent damn it!

• I want to take that POS explorer and bash the hell out of it! I want to take all the money it’s cost us, is costing us still, and put it towards a down payment on a NEW vehicle. A reliable one. Then, I want to send the damn explorer over a fucking cliff!

• I wish everyone would stop giving me shit! I am trying. I am trying to get everything organized, paid off, and get us back on our feet. So just SHUT UP and leave me ALONE. Just for five freakin' minutes I would love to not be JUDGED, SCOLDED, or TOLD HOW CRAPPY OF A JOB I’M DOING. I’m doing the best that I can do!

• I NEED A DAMN VACATION!

That is all. 

My Downer Mood Is Starting To Annoy Me..

Today, I had an awful start. My husband really pissed me off at 5 am. And then I had to take him to work. Grr. But then, of course, he apologized and we finally heard back about our POS explorer and it was WONDERFUL news!! There is nothing wrong with the transmission like we thought! Thank GOD!

You see, between December ‘09 and August ‘10 some asshole decided to take off our 4 x 4 shaft. Apparently, disconnecting those wires (because the asshole couldn’t have placed them back when they stole the shaft) is what caused the damn thing to have a few seizures until it finally wouldn’t run over 40 mph without shaking and making a whole lotta racket. Fun, fun!! At the time, we had no clue what the problem could be so I feared the worst. We thought it had something to do with the transmission, and I was all bent out of shape over having to fork over at least $500 (if not more) on a vehicle I didn’t want in the first place!! And then, we found out that the wires just needed to be reconnected and it was in need of an alignment. BAD! This means that, at most, I will be spending $150. Yay!! This means we can finally drive it and not have to depend on my parents to loan us their vehicle when we need to go somewhere!! Yay us! I am seriously tickled fucking pink over this!! –Yes, that explicit term was necessary- So, even with that awful start (and the crappy cold weather), my day is starting to look up!

Now, I just have to send off to get my hubs SR-22, and in about 4-6 weeks he can apply for his license in Texas!! I am NEVER driving again when this finally comes to be! We’ve been waiting 3 years for this! But with all of this “goodness” coming in my direction, I’m still a bit nervous. I’m trying to not get too excited because with my luck (which has NEVER been good) something bad ALWAYS happens. I really hope this time is different though. Please, please, please let it be different?!

Now, taking this post in a completely different direction. I’m so bummed today!! I am wanting a house/place of our own so bad. I would love to be able to furnish and decorate however I want! I want to have a place in working order (electricity/water/ CHA) with an actual fridge and stove. To have those, well, it would be too much for me to take in at once I think! I’d probably pee myself. But, this will not happen for a good long time.  

I’ve been looking at apartments and houses for rent. Unfortunately, most places would not take us because of our family pet Sampson. So, our choices are VERY limited. So far, I’ve found out that we could NOT afford a house. They do credit checks, criminal history checks, most of them have a “no pet” policy, and we’re looking at $800 per month and up. Not to mention most have a $500+ deposit fee. Factor in utilities, most of our bills, and we are left paying at least $1,000+ a month. Ugggh!! We’d have to have a roommate. Which is something I want to stay away from. Then, we have apartments. Again, most around here have a “no pet” policy, and they require criminal history and credit checks. They are a bit cheaper, but the spaces are usually small. Unless we do River Walk again, which is SO not an option for me. The wait list is so long, and there are too many families with little kids that run around unsupervised. THEN, that’s where all the bad crap happened before and I ‘d rather avoid it.

Which brings me to buying. I wish we could buy our own house, but that means permanence. I really would like to get out of this town one day. I’ve stated before that I would love to be closer to the ocean. Away and on our own. But you can’t find cheap prices around beaches the way you can here. And I repeat "I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE HERE FOREVER". Then, there’s this really huge problem with our credit. It sucks! We are below “BAD” when it comes to our score. THANK YOU CREDIT CARDS! So even with us paying stuff off, we’d have to wait another 6-12 months before it would reflect on our score in a positive way.  

Look at the kind of deals we're missing out on:

3bdrm/2bath

Big back yard

Wooden FLOORS

$69,000.00

Yea the town is small, and we haven't really thought about staying here permanently, but most of these homes are in between my family and his. And it would be OURS. It even has a dishwasher!! The paint job inside would have to be redone, but it would be the perfect first home! And I want that! I want a place of our own. A place that Beau, Em, and I could call OUR home. Not "we live with my parents". Not "we stay at his mom's" - never again. And not "Oh we have a roommate". I want a place we wouldn't have to share with anyone. So today, I'm really sad. Because having the option of looking for our dream home isn't even possible right now. All I can do is just pray that the big man has a plan.

Baby steps Raquel...

Baby steps...

Wishes & Reality Are Two Very Different Things..

I'm in a weird mood today. So this post WILL be, a bit confusing, and probably a bit of a downer. Fill free to skip it.

Wish

I wish I were skinny. I wish that I could look fabulous when I woke up. I wish I recycled, grew my own vegetables, and fed Emery nothing but organic food. I wish we had our own house in a place that we both love. I wish my husband had his license. I wish I had a husband I didn't have to worry about. I wish I had money to take a vacation. I wish my stomach were smooth and flat. I wish I could afford another child. I wish I had time and mental capability to meditate. I wish I could be absolutely happy. I wish I could be somewhat beautiful. I wish beer were illegal and weed was legal. I wish people wouldn't judge so much. I wish I could be more tolerant; more accepting. I wish I weren't so paranoid. I wish my ideas hadn't changed. I wish that I could be more trusting of people (especially my spouse).

Am

I am fat. I don't look fabulous, ever. I think about recycling. I don't grow my own vegetables. Emery eats Earth's best and Beechnut, out of a JAR. I live next door/pretty much with my parents. I need $500 for my husband's license. My husband's had thoughts of someone else before. My money is gone before I get it. My entire stomach is covered in dark, deep stretch mark, and I HATE THEM! I have about five handfuls of excess skin and flab around my waist. I don't know if I could handle or have time to give the right amount of attention to another baby right now. I think way too much to ever be able to meditate. I 'm happy, but there's always something that sneaks up. I am not beautiful (don't care what you say, I look at myself every day). I think beer is more harmful and dangerous than alcohol/beer (speaking from experience). I judge too much. I am tolerant, but only to an extent. I am paranoid about everything, 95% of the time. My views in life have been put into a blender and thrown back out into pieces. I don't trust anyone. After our problems, documented here, it's been hard to forgive, forget, and move on. I still check his phone every now and then.      

Thoughts

I am trying to make this a good first Christmas for Emery. Even though, I know she won't remember it. I'm trying to throw myself into something; ANYTHING in order to not remember. I'm trying to be OK. But every second that I'm not focused on something else, I focus on that. I focus on those last days. The weeks right before Emery was born. I remember last Christmas, and how everything seemed ok. I had no warning, of things being wrong. We had fought, but it was over things that could be FIXED. At least, I thought so. Then, January 29, 2010, my HUSBAND, walked out on me. Those four weeks of emotional HELL and utter physical pain have still left me marked. THREE weeks before I gave birth. THREE weeks before the happiest day of my life. And I was put through that. Yes, things changed, and we are now back together. But do you know, how bad that screwed with me? Do you know how much those days influence my life now?? I changed. I closed myself off, and I don't know if I've even opened back up yet. A year later. I am always scared, and yet always expecting to have my husband walk through the door, tell me he doesn't love me anymore, and that he's leaving. It's like I'm preparing myself for that day to come. Waiting. I'm waiting to find him with another girl (skinnier, prettier). I'm waiting for him to just pick up and leave (back to California w/out us). I'm waiting for that letdown. That same speech "It's not you, it's me." Every day. I don't know how to change that?? Even right now, I read into his behavior. Every word, every move.

Does it mean this? Does it mean that? Does he not love me? Is he going through the motions? Is he just with me because of Emery? Does he secretly want someone else?

And I can't seem to stop.

Fuck you, January 29th.