Wordless Wednesday

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What Now?

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the past. Not in a negative way necessarily. I’ve been trying to dissect certain moments in life. I’ve been wondering about how things would have turned out had I made other choices. And I’ve been evaluating what qualities I like in others. In myself. I’m trying to make sense of where I’m at right now, and what I want for the future. Which, if I’m being honest, the future kind of freaks me out. Sometimes, I find myself sitting in my car staring at the wall of my carport in confusion. Because, what the fuck? How did I even get here in life? Before I had these roles: a loving mother and wife. Though I may not have excelled at either, I tried my best. I actually think I’m rockin’ the whole mom thing, but that’s just my opinion. Either way, there was a plan. A somewhat clear picture of what I hoped my life would turn out like. But now I find myself at a point where one of those titles has been stripped away. Which was a really long drawn out, and weird experience for me. You'd think I'd had enough time to process, right? So, now that everything has changed, finalized, I find myself constantly asking myself, “What now?”

Half of the time I just feel a bit lost. I feel like I’m going about my day in this routine because it’s what I’ve always done. I feel sad on some days, and to be honest a bit lonely. Though, I think these are both good things. Positive things. It’s forcing me to acknowledge that my life is truly different now. That I need to be okay with being alone too. Whether I accept that or not, well, that’s still to be seen. But I believe it’s progress. For a long time now I’ve been stuck in this cycle of sorts and it’s about time that I start moving forward. At the moment, I’m just trying to adjust as much as possible to what our new normal will be like. I’m trying to process all of my emotions in a healthy way. With running, and meditation. I vent to my sister-in-law, who’s probably sick of me repeating myself, but she’s always there to listen. Thank you, Kim. I talk to my mother about how I feel and lean on her for support when I start to feel low. Or when I find myself in need of some retail therapy. Thank you, Mom. I just never imagined that my future would have this great big question mark staring me down. And for once, I can honestly say that I have no clue what’s next for me. Which has actually been really eye-opening? And a little scary. I mean, have I really been floating through life just...existing? Do, I really not have anything that’s unique about me? Aside from being a mother what the hell do I want out of life? How do I see myself, aside from being a parent? What are my goals? What are my ambitions? What do I like? What do I want for myself? The honest answer to most of those questions is, “I don’t know.” And I find that a bit troubling.

What I am certain of is that I need to figure all of this out. I need to keep asking the hard questions. I need to continue to explore myself. Because there has to be more. I can’t keep staying in one place, repeating a cycle, for fear of what the future holds. And I can’t continue being scared of what I might find at the end of all of this. I need answers of my own. I need to know who I am apart from everyone else, and I plan to do just that. 

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Wordless Wednesday

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A Tattoo - Waves

For Christmas, Beau paid for a small tattoo that I had been wanting to get done for a while. Yea, a little awkward now but at the time it was a nice gesture. Anyway, I wanted something minimal that would represent several things for me. Something simple yet loud. And well, I got some tiny waves on my wrist. 

The ocean has always had a calming affect on me too. When I lived in California, I always felt this pull towards it. As soon as I would smell that salty air, I could feel all the tension ease away. The stress would melt, and I could sit on the big rocks just watching the waves crash. And as much as I love the ocean, I also have a fear of it. Well, more like respect. I can only go so deep before I start to feel scared. I can only swim for so long before I feel like I need to get out. It’s a powerful force, and I never want to overstay my welcome. But I love it. And I wanted something that would constantly remind me of that balance.

If you’re new here, or you've never read that far back. Honestly, please don’t. It’s embarrassing. Then you may have wondered why this blog is titled “my little ocean”. Why someone who is a bit afraid of the ocean and lives in Texas would name her blog after it? Well, the short answer is that I started this blog as a “mom blog”. A way to share my experiences and express myself when I was in the trenches of new motherhood. So, this blog is named after my daughter. Ocean. Plus, her sign is Aquarius and she loves the water. The violets I have on my shoulder represent her birth month, and the waves now represent her name.

Also a few years ago, I lost a cousin, by marriage, to addiction. He was a great kid. We were never really close. But there was just something magnetic about him. He lit up a room with his smile, and he had this "old soul" vibe about him. There was a time when he found himself living in Texas for a few months, and it was during his time here that I realized what a wonderful person he was. Troubled, and struggling. But genuine and kind. Before he left back to California, he promised me that the next time I went for a visit he would show me how to surf. Unfortunately, life didn’t allow for that. I remember his smile as he walked away from the car that morning, and that was the last time I ever saw him. A few years ago, he passed away due to an overdose and it broke my heart. So, I wanted something that would represent his life. His love for the water. Our shared respect of the ocean.

And finally, I wanted something empowering. About two or three years ago I discovered Rupi Kaur. And her poetry was something I truly enjoyed. She has two poems that I constantly find myself going back to. But one of my favorite excerpts from her work is “women like you drown oceans”. To me, that phrase represents so many different things. How we can be soft and strong. How we can be welcoming, and yet a ruthless storm. And now, more than ever, do I feel like I turn to that phrase for encouragement. When I feel like I’m not strong enough to get through something, or I start to feel fear about the unknown ahead I go back to her work. To those pages. I go back to that specific poem and I smile. I breathe. And these tiny little waves are a constant reminder of those words. Of what I have, what I've lost, and what I need. 

Wordless Wednesday

A Mini Hiking Trip with the Girls

This school year I started implementing a reward system for Emery when it comes to her grades. The first six weeks she made the A-Honor Roll so she chose the option that involved a sleepover with two friends followed by breakfast at a place of her choosing. There’s never really any pressure because, for the most part, I let her know that I just want her to try her best. That’s what’s important to me. However, our little system has given her a bit of an incentive to ask for help when she’s struggling with a certain subject or problem. Because she really wants to earn that prize at the end. So, at the beginning of each six weeks, she and I come up with two new reward options which give her a goal to work towards. At the end of the six weeks, when I get her report card, there are two rewards she can pick from to “cash-in” based on those grades.

For the second six weeks, she made the A-B Honor Roll. She came really close to all A’s with one 89. So, her choices were to either go see a movie or go hiking with two friends. And well, my daughter loves the outdoors. So, we headed out to a local state park. Thankfully, we had some pretty amazing weather. The girls had a blast hiking some familiar trails and crossing the river barefoot. Multiple times. They spent the afternoon talking about the fish, and what it must have been like for people years ago that lived in those areas. They laughed and talked about school. What subjects they liked, and what they didn't. As they sat on a rock Emery said, "You know, we all have friends at our schools. But I hope we stay each other's best friends forever." There were a few instances when they all walked ahead and asked Emery how she was feeling about her dad. And of course, she looked back in hesitation but I nodded letting her know it was okay to tell them. They spoke about it briefly before heading over to more rocks. Hugs all around. And just seeing that made me happy. It's nice to know that these girls all care about each other. That Emery has two friends that listen to her when she's sad or happy. That they get to come along on our adventures and share stories. But most importantly, I'm grateful that Emery has all of this. That she has an abundance of family and friends who love her. 

As we left for the day I thought that this should happen more often for her. I want her to continue to enjoy exploring the outdoors. I want to give her and her friends the opportunity to go outside, share secrets, and spend time with one another. As often as possible. So, it looks like this may turn into a tradition. Grades or not, I want to give her as many more of these moments as I can. 

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Needing Some Peace

Today, I kind of just wanted to sit down in my room and write whatever comes to mind. See what comes pouring out. Where my thoughts take me. Though, I’m afraid it won’t be all that cheerful. At least, the details won’t be. Still, it’s a part of our story. My story. And well, here goes.

Recently, I discovered a few troubling things in regards to Beau. To say that they infuriated me would be an understatement. I felt like going into his “studio” (partial room in my home), and ripping everything apart. I wanted to pack everything up in boxes and scrub the walls of anything having to do with him. I wanted to yell, “WHY THE FUCK DO YOU KEEP DOING THIS?! Is this really how you’re choosing to repay my kindness?!” I wanted to shake him so hard that I could hear his teeth rattle. But I also wanted to be wrong. I wanted it to be paranoia on my part. For there to be some reasonable explanation. I wanted to be able to hug him and say, “I’m sorry I doubted you. Thank you for proving me wrong.”

Up until this point, I would say that I have been very kind, and amicable. I have been more than tolerable and accommodating. I have helped him when he’s asked for it, and I haven’t asked for anything in return. Because I do not want him to fail. God, how I want him to thrive. I want him to be at peace. I want him to be a great father. To find love that makes him so fucking happy. I truly want so much good for him because after everything he was put through he deserves to have a wonderful life. In November, I recall standing in front of him saying, “I love you. I love you so damn much. But I’m not good for you. I enable you & I bring out some of the worst behavior. I have let so many things slide for too many years which you’ve never been held accountable for so you think it’s okay. But it’s not. And I want you to want to be a better person for your daughter. For yourself. I want you to be happy. And if that means taking myself out of the picture then I love you enough to do it.”

So, instead of doing all of those things I stated above I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. I decided to push back what I felt, and what my gut was telling me in order to trust that if there was anything that I needed to be informed of he would tell me. But a day later I was proven wrong in making that decision, and I felt such disappointment. But most of all I felt this overwhelming sadness for him. Since that day, I’d say that I’ve felt myself close off from him completely. I’ve asked that he speed up the process of moving out too. Because not only is he putting my daughter and I at risk, but he’s also being extremely disrespectful towards me. And he’s very much a trigger for my mental health issues. The anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and anger. A lot of it starts to come at me a lot harder when he’s around. When we’re both in the house I’m always tense, anxious, or worried. There’s always some kind of drama or waves of anger. Not always about us or towards me, but it’s felt. There’s always something going wrong or yelling. There are days when hateful words are being shouted, and cabinets are being slammed. I’m constantly having to pause before entering my own house to take a deep breath and brace myself for who I’ll find inside. Will it be the calm person? The happy person? The angry man wanting to lash out? And y’all, it’s exhausting. I’d say about 40% of these things are aimed at me while the other 60% are aimed at other people in his life. But regardless, I have to be there to deal with it. And, I’m tired.

What really opened my eyes was when he spent the weekend with some friends out of town. I could feel the whole house change in his absence. We woke up early, we cleaned, and all of the curtains were open. There was light in all of the rooms, and my house didn’t smell of cigarettes. There was no yelling or cursing. Instead, there was singing, dancing, and laughter. There was this calm that fell over us and it was so nice. The first full day that he was back we started talking about finances, and that quickly led to an argument. Our daughter came into the room screaming, “ENOUGH! STOP IT! STOP FIGHTING!” We both stopped talking, and he turned around to tell her to hush because sometimes this was just how life was. I stood there looking at him, stunned, as our little girl ran into the living room in tears. When I followed to console her she said: “Why can’t you and dad go one day without fighting?” And she’s right. A bit exaggerated, but we have been arguing a lot more lately. As I sat there hugging her I knew that our living situation was just not working anymore. The time had arrived for us to set a plan in motion and have dates set for when he would be moving out. I sat with Emery and told her that in this case, her father was wrong. This is NOT how life is supposed to be. And she deserved better from us. So, I promised her that I’d do my part to smooth things over until we had a plan. I told her that soon we’d have some calm in our home, and things would get better. And that’s what I’m hoping for. What I’m working towards. I truly feel like it's time for us to finally close the door on this part of our lives. For us to go our separate ways and start our new journeys. I feel like we all need this right now. And if I have to be the one to step up and demand it, I will. Because we all deserve some peace.