The Perfect Babysitter, New Job

I am exhausted. I don’t know how many times I have to say this, but it is so true. I am currently trying to get a job at this “factory”. It’s the biggest company in this town and I already have four family members working there. I was informed that my resume had been pulled, upon a recommendation of course. So now, I am just hoping to get the call. Crossing my fingers, and toes. Lots of praying.

I am tired of my job. I am unappreciated, and kept at the bottom of the “food chain”. I get paid less than $450 every TWO weeks. Do you know how awful that is? Do you know how bad it sucks to have to ask my mother and father to help me buy formula for my daughter because MY check won’t pay for it? Or if they can split the cost of a car seat with me because I can’t come up with the whole amount and she’s in desperate need of a new one? Yes, I know, I know, what about your husband? Well, he has barely gotten the OK to go back to work (not by a doctor), and he barely started at his new job which is supposed to be temporary. Plus there’s the tiny fact that he’s ALL the way in OKLAHOMA, as I previously stated here. And relating to what I discussed here, we have come to the conclusion that he won’t be getting to come down every weekend as we had planned.

So while he’s up there, I have had to rely on babysitters. And since he only has off on SUNDAYS, I have to depend on my paychecks only. As I stated, they don’t cover much. So, Emery has gone through three sitters so far. The first one was supposed to be the permanent one. Then she was called back to work so there went that. The second one was afraid of really little babies and so she decided that taken care of Emery was something she could not do. The third babysitter was supposed to be available until my husband came back home. She has decided to go back to college and her MOTHER informed me on FRIDAY when I went to pick Emery up that she would be starting her classes MONDAY. She would no longer be able to take care of Emery.  So that has left me with two options. Find another sitter, or try my hardest to get her into daycare. I HATE daycare. Another sitter it is. One of the previous sitters has said that she can do it, but her house is so hot that Emery starts crying. Then I get about ten calls a day because they don’t know what’s wrong with her. But, she’s cheap. So it looks like that will be my only option. The other person that has offered is just as expensive as daycare.

I am completely annoyed. My husband is not home. I have no money. Emery is teething, and she has learned how to say “mama”. I was thrilled! But now when she’s hurting or she’s tired she just says “mama” over and over and she cries. My mother will hold her and it doesn’t help. She still wants me. So, the perfect sitter would be me. Or my husband. That is why I am wanting this job so badly. The hours suck, BUT it’s only Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays. Thirty-six hours, but I get paid for forty. Which means I would only need the sitter for ONE day because my mother offered to take care of her on Saturday and Sunday. My husband could get a job closer to home through the week and I’d still get to stay home with my bug. Please pray for me to get this job. I need something to go right in my life, just this once.

Warm Beer

Today, my friend Melissa came over and she brought me some beer. I am officially done breastfeeding so I'm allowed. We talked about the past. My favorite (sometimes not so favorite) subject. We talked about Seth. We talked about being ten years old, and then teenagers. Now we're growing up. I have a husband and child, and she's almost done with college - on her way to bigger and better things.

We have both experienced such joy and sadness. We have cried, and been so angry. We have fought and made up. And still, we remain friends. No matter where we are in life we always come back. Even if it's just for a short visit. Even if it's to talk while the beer gets warm. And this is something about our friendship that I love so much. Melissa and I will be there. Always. The day that we are not, will be the day that one or the other has gone.

“Back in the day”

Seth, Oh Hun, Why Did It Have To Be You?

"Never fear growing old; there are many who have never had that privilege."

First let me take you back about three years, to an apartment number 144, in the town of Stephenville, Texas. Now I'm sure there are plenty of you out there that have partied, wound up undressed, thrown up in someone's lap, eaten some bazaar brownies, or gotten so shit faced you can't remember exactly what happened there the night before except that it was a good time!! Those nights kicked off some of my best friendships. To those three guys I'd like to say:

"Thank you gentlemen for some of the best drunken and some not so drunken nights! Thank you for some of the best times, and for some really good laughs!"

Now, I met these gentlemen because of my friend Melissa, and once she left to San Marcos for college my times there ended. I was dealing with my own problems, trying to make new friends, and to be honest, I didn't feel like I really fit in with them once Melissa was out of the picture. So, I didn't really keep in touch. But every once in a while I would see Sino, Mike, or Seth until I finally moved away to California.

Coming back to Texas, all the guys were off in other cities living their lives! But, I found Seth right there at Hasting, preparing to make his move to H-E-B. Every time I would see him, he'd still recognize me, give me a hug, and ask me how I was doing. That’s the type of person Seth is. Always making you feel like he actually saw you. I saw him every once in a while, and at a few parties. Always the life of them, as usual. Such a funny person! When my husband met him, he had him laughing all night! My husband was barely getting to know my friends, and really making the effort to get to know them. Seth just so happened to be at one of the parties, and I remember my husband saying “Wow, that guy is hilarious! I like him. He definitely made me feel welcomed!”

Now, I’m not trying to paint the picture of me knowing him so well that we are BFFs because we aren’t. But he is such an amazing guy! So much life, so much fun! And you can see that by how much his friends really really love him. You can tell by the way he never left anyone out, and he listens. Or at least he did with me.

Last time I saw him in person he had informed me that he was joining the Navy! A few months later, he posted on Facebook that he was in San Diego, California! This past Monday, he said he would be home on Friday. Which made me smile. I know how it is to be away from all of you’re friends and family. As much fun as you’re having, you still miss them. So I was ecstatic that he would be coming to visit his old stomping grounds! Who knows, I might even run into him??

Wednesday morning, August 25th, Melissa sent me the text message that literally made my heart drop into the pit of my stomach. Seth had died, on August 24, in a car accident. Of course, I looked up his Facebook, and sure enough someone had posted it a few minutes before. Then I looked at the San Diego website, and sure enough there was an article about “A” car accident. No names. Ok, so maybe it wasn’t him? I mean, people get this stuff mixed up all the time right? Everything was going to be just fine, they would clear this up as soon as they released names, and Seth’s would not be one of them. Wednesday night, they released names.

Seth Allen Hartin, 25, of Bangs, Texas.

That made it…very real. Too real. Now you can call me a baby, or even wonder why this has even affected me if I didn’t know him that well. But, that’s how I am. If someone has come into my life, no matter how long they stay there, I feel for them. Shit, I cry when I see the obituaries EVERY TIME. And those are people I don’t even know. Death blows. It sucks. And it hurts those left behind. So even though Seth and I were not the best of friends, he was still someone that had touched my life in one way or another. And the fact that he is gone now, makes me very sad.

At first, I didn’t cry. I felt as if the world had been cheated out of someone very special. A person that was so full of life had so much to live for, was taken just like that, and it wasn’t fair. I'll admit that I was angry because he's so damn young!! That just isn't fair! He's supposed to get married, have some kids, grow old, and finally flirt with the other old ladies in the nursing home!! He was supposed to live a long, healthy, happy life!!

That got me thinking of everything. I started trying to remember everything we had ever talked about. Trying to remember all the good times at the 144. Remembering how he would tell me to stay out of trouble every time he saw me drinking. That one time he tried to help Dane give me a "bulldog" (which was not successful! Ha!). And I kept thinking, that this just couldn’t be happening. Seth wasn’t dead. He just wasn’t. He’d be here on Friday. Someone had better tell me that this was just one big joke, a pretty shitty one at that, and they better do it right now, damn it! Well by three, I locked myself in the bathroom at work and had myself a good cry. I cried for his family and for his friends. For the wife he will never meet; for the children he will never have. I cried for the people that will miss out on meeting him; the future friends he was supposed to make. I cried for his parents because having to bury your own baby is the worst thing you could EVER have to do. I cried for his friends, the ones he has shared so much with; the ones he grew up with that didn’t get to see him one last time. And finally, I cried for him. I cried because he will be coming home, but not the way he was supposed to.

To his family and friends, I can not say anything to make the situation any better nor easier. Nothing will get rid of the hurt. Nothing will bring him back. I wish that I could bring him back. With all my heart, I wish I could. But, I can only pray for you. Pray that God helps you get through this really hard time and that he comforts you as you grieve.

“I am so sorry, for you’re loss.”

Let Me Explain

Some of you (-ahem- KIM) did not get what I meant on my previous post (Letting Go, Part One). What I had written didn't fully come across as what I meant, unless you were in my head (then you totally got it). This all started out, with me noticing my overall change. Settling back home, and changing my appearance to fit in. Giving things up to please others and doing things out of sheer stupidity because I was bored. That wasn't who I had intended to be. I got completely off track.

I know that my clothes, do not define who I am. It's more like what the clothes represented to ME. That sense of being different, and doing my own thing. I was secure in who I was before. Always. I've forgotten how to be like that now. I have changed so much over the years, and I stopped doing the things that I liked. I've done so many things to please others, or to somewhat fit in (example: I bought a pair of cowgirl boots to fit in with the ladies at work so they wouldn't think I was so strange...??). I somehow left behind that "I don't give a fuck what you think of me" attitude and replaced it with a "So what if I have baby food stains on my shirt every day, my eyebrows are all out of whack, I shower only every other day, my hair's a mess, and I wear clothes that 2 years ago I wouldn't be caught dead in because I don't want to exercise??" attitude. Pssshhhttt! I seemed to have stopped EVERYTHING. I stopped "keeping up" with myself. I have no motivation. I stopped being me.

When you're young, you have such a PASSION for things. You are so dead set on living YOUR life the way YOU want. I seem to have lost that somewhere along my way to adulthood. Slowly, as I got older, I started changing to gain acceptance. I started to feel very insecure about who I was. And that's not what I want for my daughter. I want her to love things the way I (eventually, but she can skip that part) did. I want her to have goals, dreams, and ambitions that I did not. I want her to be a strong person. I want her to dance to the beat of her own drum. I want her to not let any man, or person for that matter, tell her that she needs to change who she is to fit in. I am supposed to show her that I LOVE her more than anything in this world and above all, that she should LOVE herself for who she is! But, in order for her to learn all of this, she must have an example. Not just any example either, A GOOD EXAMPLE. And how can I be an example of what a strong, "dance to your own drum" woman should be like if I have no idea if I'm even that person anymore?? If all she sees is a mother who is completely insecure, has no motivation, and is confused about who she is...what will she get from that? Nothing, that's what.

I understand we have to grow up and be responsible. We can't exactly be sixteen forever. I understand that being a parent means giving things up and making sacrifices. It means teaching your children the RIGHT things. And balance has been a hard thing for me to find. Finding myself, and figuring out who I am as a mother, a wife, and my own person have proven to be very difficult, and so far an impossible task.

But who knows, maybe this is supposed to be a good thing? Maybe me "loosing" who I was is for the best? Maybe it will make me a better mother in the end (because that is what I really want)? Maybe I am on the path of self-discovery, but I'm stubbornly trying to hold on to what I knew (what was familiar to me)?

Oklahoma Took My Husband Away…

This will have to be quick since I have to work tomorrow.

My husband is off in Oklahoma working. Booo! I miss him a lot. He gets to be home for a full twenty-four hours each week. This is supposed to last up to 2 months (maybe longer). It’s great money, and we really need this, it just sucks he has to be so far away. He’s not liking it much either. He was gone for two days and then got to come back, it took Emery half a day to get used to him again. By the time she did, he had to leave. The schedule is now him being gone all week and gets to be back Saturday night, only to leave Sunday night. And it is completely putting me in a funk.

I now have no one to talk to. Besides the parents, but that gets old. I miss him sleeping next to us and handing me the pacifier in the middle of the night. Or just him giving me a kiss goodnight. I guess I just have to keep telling myself that this is for the best. He won’t be gone forever. 

8/22 This past visit; Sunday morning

Let It Go, For Changes Always Come…

Part Two

LETTING  GO
By T.D. Jakes


There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you:
let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into
staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to
see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.
When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never
tied to anybody that left.
The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made
manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt
they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]
People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not
joined to you, you can't make them stay.
Let them go.
And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their
part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in
your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead..
You've got to know when it's dead.
You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something.. I've got
the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in
good-bye.. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know
whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes
too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay...
Let them go!!


If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never
intended for your life, then you need to... LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains...LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your
worth...LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you...
LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge... LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction...
LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or
talents...
LET IT GO!!! 

If you have a bad attitude...
LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level
in Him...LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship... LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help
themselves...
LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed ...LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself
and God is saying 'take your hands off of it,' then you need to...
LET IT GO!!!

'The Battle is the Lord's!'

Let It Go, For Changes Always Come...‏

Part One

Ok, so lately I've been trying to figure myself out. Waaaay easier said, than done. I am a 22-year-old mother and wife that is trying so hard to find out who she is. It's leaving me more confused than secure in who I am...

At seventeen, I used to go to rock (hardcore, "emo", screamo, love metal) concerts. Music was EVERYTHING to me and the lyrics MEANT something to me. I wore band T-Shirts, pants, and my chucks EVERY day. My hair changed colors, and black eyeliner was the only make-up I needed.

I moved to California and everyone wore HEELS!! So, I started wearing heels. Of course, there's the flip-flop staple, so I wore those a lot too. A bathing suit was a must! We were constantly at the beach, the lake, the river, or the pool. My boyfriend (now husband), and I loved going out to the local "club", and so getting all dressed up was a must. OUT went the band T-Shirts. In came all the make-up, and cleavage-baring shirts. 

I moved back to Texas and gained A LOT of weight. I started working at Vet Outlet and so I started wearing just plain shirts. We'd go out on weekends and I'd dress up, but not as much as I used to.  Then we got married, and I kind of put my weight on the back burner. I SHOULD NOT HAVE DONE THAT!!!! I got pregnant, and I LET MYSELF GO. I didn't even wear make-up!! Which was something you didn't see me without. I started wearing bigger pants, bigger shirts. I never messed with my hair, it stayed in a bun. How sexy could I possibly look, with a big baby bump?? It doesn't exactly scream "Take my clothes off!!" I felt fat and my belly was uncomfortable. The last thing I wanted to TRY and slide into was a pair of skinny jeans.

I had Emery, and I was back into sweatpants. I went back to work, and my jeans and capris came back, along with plain shirts and a little bit of make-up. It has now been six months since February 17th, and I have found myself in comfy shirts, capris, flats, minimal make-up, and what my husband calls "mommy shorts". I have huge, deep stretch marks so bathing suits are COMPLETELY out of the question. None of this is screaming “Undress me, with your teeth!” either.

I miss my younger years. I miss the black eyeliner, and my chucks. I miss the random concerts, and I miss my TIGHT skinny jeans!!! I miss being a size 8, with my perky, round, B cup boobs!! I miss my flat, unmarked stomach. I miss looking young. I miss manicures and black nail polish. I miss listening to music really loud, with the windows rolled down in my old truck. I miss being sure that my husband loved me. I miss having friends that actually cared. I miss having late nights and no worries. I miss not having to think about the future. I miss being seventeen.

When did I lose myself? I work at a place that I don’t like, with people I have NOTHING in common with. I look more and more like my mother every day (size and style). I hardly ever listen to new music. My band shirts are in a big plastic tote, because they're all too small for me, and I'm too broke to buy new ones. I had my lip pierced, but recently took it out because I was having an identity crisis. My tattoos are pretty much the only things that give any indication of me being "young" once.

Today, I received an email titled, Letting Go. It left me feeling sad and even more confused with what I want out of my life. Growing up is such a hard thing to do, but do you have to leave EVERYTHING behind? I know I am a mother now, but does that mean I need to go out and buy everything that makes me LOOK like a "mommy"? Do, I need to keep my hair just one color, and my band shirts stuffed in a box?  And what exactly is ok to keep and let go of in my life? Growing up, is such a pain. Letting go of things to make room for change is just as painful, if not much worse.

Raquel? Raquel Who?

I was writing an email to my friend the other day, she's going on a business trip this month and feels bad about having to leave her little boy because she's going to miss him terribly, and at one point I wrote this:

"Take those three days as a "semi" vacation. I wish I could get one. I would miss Emery so much, but I've realized that I have been so busy trying to be the perfect mom, trying to work to pay for EVERYTHING, and I've been trying to make everyone else happy that I don't give ME any time to breathe. I know that our needs don't come first anymore, but does that mean that we aren't allowed to do anything for ourselves? Do we just stop existing? It's like Raquel is no longer a person, it's Emery's mom or Beau's wife. And that kind of sucks. So even though you're going to miss your little man, try to enjoy a few days to yourself. Who knows when you'll get that chance again."

I find that this ONE of MANY things that has been troubling me lately. Everyone knows that my husband can't work at the moment so he's at home with Emery. My dad gets home at 3 pm, and if I am not at my house by 5:30 pm, I am getting calls. "Why aren't you here? Beau's been with the baby all day, you need to come take her so he can get a break." Apparently, it's my "job" as a woman to take care of the child with no complaints. It's my "job" to not think about my needs anymore. No one ever calls Beau when I've had Emery all day to tell him to come give me a break (not saying that I need one) do they? No. My father and I are constantly butting heads over this too. So, I talked to my mother and she said that my dad's way of thinking is purely based on the fact that he never had to take care of my brother and I because he was always working. He lived in Georgia till I was about 4 years old, and then he worked the night shift in Brownwood before going to FMC. Then, a few weekends ago, my brother said something that troubled me. He said that I need to stop leaving Emery with my mom when I go run errands because Emery won't stop crying, and it's frustrating for my parents. He told me that just because mom offers, doesn't mean I have to say yes. I had Emery, so I need to have her with me all the time and if I can't handle that, I should have been smart enough to not get pregnant. And he said I don't need to have any type of life, that I should be solely focused on my daughter's needs. Then he finished with "Raquel, you can't think about you anymore. You're doing an ok job as a mom, but you could do a whole lot better."

:::pause:::

Thanks?? I mean how am I suppose to reply to that?? I thought I was doing a pretty good job, and here comes an onlooker in the form of my brother telling me that I am not. What the crap? Have I not put everyone else before me enough? Have I not put my husband's (you don't even know) and my daughter's needs before mine enough? How much more do I need to do? What else do I need to sacrifice before I am allowed a guilt-free break? Why is thinking about my needs completely out of the question? No one else is thinking about them. And why is it so wrong to let my mom take care of Emery for an afternoon so I can go get some things from town?? It's a lot easier and quicker, isn't it?

Anyone else out there feel like they're invisible? Does having a child really mean the end of you as a person? My mother tells me to not pay attention to them because a) My brother doesn't have a child so he has no room to talk and b) My dad left everything up to my mom, even after he moved back so he has no room to talk. But, it's hard to not pay attention to them when I keep getting served this big bowl of reasons as to why I am failing as a mother.

Rain on Red

 So this morning, I was feeling like my whole weekend had gone by way too fast. A blur. Last night was the first night that EMERY slept through most of!! I didn't even get to sleep in and enjoy it, I had to get up early to go to work. And I was really dreading having to go back to work. I feel like I'd rather watch paint dry or hear nails on a chalkboard. Yea...that bad! So when I got to work, I started on my daily "duties" and already the clock seemed like it was dragging. Then one of the ladies went to get the mail and handed me a bunch of stuff (not unusual). In that pile, I had one addressed to me, from my friend Julie.

A little about Julie and my attachment to her first:

I'll start by saying, I love her! She kept me sane when she worked here. Then she moved and only worked remotely (I felt like a child having her favorite toy taken away from her). I was so sad at first, but even though she was in OKLAHOMA, I was still able to get several phone conversations a week. Which believe me, I needed. Finally, she cut the cord permanently by quitting. I was totally happy for her because this place kind of sucks you dry emotionally (even when you work remotely). But at the same time, I was sad because I felt like the one person (besides my mother) that worked here who actually liked me was leaving me. But as she once said "It's time to put your big girl panties on" and so I am making do. LOL! 

She is a mother of three beautiful girls and by far one of the coolest moms I've known! Who else gives their daughters dance team Cherry Chapstick after hearing Katy Perry's "I Kissed A Girl" ?! Ok, laugh, because you know it's funny!! The woman is not afraid to pursue her goals or dreams! She's also very passionate about the things she does. Her husband definitely got lucky! Her family always comes first, and if you mess with that, look out! She juggles her children's schedule, her work schedule, her husband's schedule, and ALWAYS manages to have EXTRA time. She makes it look as if it's natural. No big deal, she totally has everything under control. I still have yet to learn her secret, but she gave me a clue: balance. I also think those eight diet dr. peppers she has daily add to the mix but I'm not entirely sure how. LOL! She taught me that you can be a bitch(in a non-prude; non-whiny way), and wear the title proudly. She taught me that I can't let myself get pushed around, because no matter what I am just as good as everyone else. She sat through so many of my rants, my whiny "boo hoo I have to be an adult" complaints, and last but not least my constant marriage crisis's. Ah, those lovely times. She gave me plenty of advice, and plenty of what I call "Julie Pep Talks"! She also showed me that sometimes you just have to say "CRAAAAAP" and move along. But, most importantly she taught me to keep swimming and to laugh.

So with all of that, you now get that Julie is definitely someone I hold in very high regards. She's one of my favorite people! So today when I found the envelope with her name on it, I knew that I'd enjoy whatever was in it. And sure enough, I found two pictures with a quote on them! One was in the shape of a postcard that read:

People want to be appreciated, 

not impressed.

The want to be regarded 

as human beings,

not as sounding boards 

for other people's egos.

They want to be treated

as an end in themselves,

not as a means toward 

the gratification of

another's vanity.

Sydney Harris

Totally made my day!! She has these quotes printed on pictures that she takes herself! She is a photographer, among other things, and she's really good. She took our family pictures when Emery was born. And I absolutely loved them! She's getting started with her "Sassy Spirit Quotes" shop on Etsy now, so you should all go check them out!! The first picture is one of the two I received! I have a link to her blog on the right side of my page, you can search Etsy for Sassy Spirit Quotes, and you can find her on Facebook as well! Drop her a line, buy something, and show some support! 

p/s Before Emery was born she'd embroidered a burp rag to read "Team Edward" and a small pillow that reads "Twilight" for me! They both came out wonderful! If you ask nicely, she might have something she could do for you too!

Air Force

Ok, so I work at a dead end job with a bunch of people I have NOTHING in common with. The few that I do like talking to, I am not allowed to associate with. I want to get out of this place because I feel like I'm slowly suffocating. I am about $3,000 in debt and I make less than $450 EVERY two weeks! I try to pay, but I don't ever have enough money left over so I just get set back even more.

A friend of mine joined the Marines and has come down for a visit. When he told me how much he was making, I was pretty jealous. Another friend of ours joined the Navy, and when I heard how much he makes, and how his wife is a stay at home mom and had their child for free (I have to pay $1,500), I was WAY jealous!! So for a little while, my husband thought he should join the Navy. Which I completely would have supported him in, BUT he had some major doubts and he would be doing it solely for the college money. Which I don't believe anyone should do. I think you have to go in knowing that you could go to war, and if you're ok with that then sign on up. Just thinking about having to take orders, wear a uniform, or even get deployed was making him sick. He's completely against the military and war. So, this is what I told him: "If you're going to do this, make sure that THIS is what YOU want. Because if you're going to be miserable then you'll start to blame me for it and possibly resent us for "making" you choose that life." In the end, the Navy made the decision for us. Because of his record and because of his license problem they could not accept him. Crisis averted.

Then, I got to thinking...Well, why don't I join the military? Why not the air force? My husband's first reaction was "I don't think so, what if they send you away and you get killed?? I can not let you do that!" Then he switched on his male ego "This is not right, if anyone is going to join the military it should be me. I should be the one providing for our family, and I should be the one making the sacrifices. I'll do it so you don't have to, and I'll learn to love it." But I know my husband all too well, and doing something he hated would make him miserable. And when he's miserable he takes it out on everyone involved (I blame that on his mother). Plus, they already said he can not be accepted. So, I told him I wasn't joining right now, but it was just an option I was looking into.

I've been working at my current job, going on three years, and it's been MISERABLE. I hate it. But, I have to do it because we need the money. So why not join something that will probably be hard and dangerous, but that pays really well, AND pays for you to go to school?? I started to weigh the pros and cons and so far this is what I have come up with:

Pros:
Sign on bonus of $13,000 depending on your career choice.
Paid schooling
30 days of PAID vacation each year
HOUSING/ UTILITIES paid for
Food allowance
College fund for my daughter
TAX FREE retirement money
Paid relocation for my entire family
If I join now (depending on the sign on length) I would be out by the time Emery was 5.

Cons:
Boot camp is two months
Would at some point, get deployed for MONTHS at a time (I would be missing a lot in my daughters life)
I could get killed

Then there's the "Reserves" option which sounds nice too, but there's so much that I have to look into before making any decision. And it's a hard one. Everyone talks really good about it, but I know that there are more cons than what I have listed. Those are just the ones I have become aware of in the one day I spent researching it. I honestly wish there was a way for me to do all of this and stay in the US for the whole time. I am a chicken shit when it comes to thinking about warfare. I have trouble with living in Texas because its so hot! Can you imagine me in the middle east? God, I think I'd die because of the heat! I like the idea of serving my country, but man, there are some mighty big consequences attached. And to have to miss so much of my daughters first years, or possibly not get to see her grow up. I don't know if I can bring myself to do that...?

So, I am going to pray about this. I am going to try and get myself into shape just in case, lose some weight, and really really think about this before I do anything. I hope that if this is not what God's plan is, that he opens up a door for me to let me know otherwise.

All of My Pictures are Gone

I bought our new computer back in January, and when I did I burned all of my pictures from our old computer onto CD’s so I could transfer them over. They all said that they had burned and I was so busy packing stuff and getting ready for my move that I just put the CD’s up and deleted everything off of our old computer.

Well, last week, I finally found the box that had all of those pictures, and I started to transfer the ones that I wanted. When I got to the last two CD’s, which had pictures of me, my brother, my family, old friends, and old parties the CD’s read blank!!! I went to my parent's house and looked at our old computer, only to see that it had been messed with and the recycle bin had been emptied out. So there went all 1,000 pictures!! All of them gone because I was stupid enough to not check the CDs. My mother said that they’d check with a “computer specialist” and see if they could dig them up from our hard drive, but I’ve read on a lot of sites that if you’ve used the computer from the time you lost the pictures that they are probably overwritten. Making them impossible to retrieve. My uncle used the computer A LOT.

I still can’t believe those pictures are all gone. My younger years were all documented through those pictures and now they are gone forever. It’s really, really sad. And I’m sure as soon as that specialist confirms that all hope is lost, I will break down and cry. I am such a sap, I know. But, what am I going to show Emery now? I needed proof to show her (when she’s older) that I’ve been through it. I was this rock and roll chic once, I didn’t always look like a mommy. I was young once too. And now, I got nothing.