185lbs

Ok, so I really need to lose this weight. I am at 185lbs again. I’ve had a rough couple of weeks and with Emery’s birthday stuff going on I really slacked off. I stopped using my calorie counter because I hardly ever had my phone on me –just ask the people who called and never got an answer. So with us being out and about a lot, I did a lot of eating out. So now I’m right back where I started. Eeehhh!!  

I really need to get my shit together. I need to get all of our crap taken care of so I’m not having to run around doing errands or having to spend hours on the phone with this company or that one. I’m so ready for this to be OVER! I’m ready for my healthy lifestyle to get a chance to kick in, people!! And this is when I realized; I’m so making up excuses, aren’t I? I need to want this, even more than what I do now. I need to want to lose weight the way I want a Hershey’s chocolate (which is bad).  Yes, my lifestyle is hectic, so that means my lazy ass has to get up at 4 am (uuugggghhh!!) if need be, to get my work out in. I need to start looking more into nutrition and what I’m feeding my body. Then, I read this lovely lady Jess’s Blog IROCKSOWHAT, and she totally put me to shame. In a good way, if that’s possible?

She pretty much said it all. Stop eating CRAP! Cook your meals! Eat meat, fruits, and veggies. But never anything YOU can’t cook for yourself. Clean eating! What an idea!! Too bad, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT IS!?!?! But, I like the sound of it! I’m not quite sure where to begin though. I NEVER cook. I have been taking my sweet ass time in learning too. I’ve always been a bit of a picky eater and I’m in no way experimental when it comes to “exotic” tastes. And if it looks like something that a pig would love to roll around in, I’m NOT touching it!! If it looks like it could bite me back, I’m not eating it!! So, hopefully, this clean eating idea has nothing to do with either of those things. I really want to try this out though. I really want to start preparing meals and cooking. Shopping strictly organic produce, and low-calorie snacks (for the hubs). I’m in need of getting back into shape because I really hate being a blob. Every part of me JIGGLES! That's just not right! And even though Em may find it funny when my belly squishes, mommy doesn't! 

I hate that I can’t do much without getting tired and breathless. I want to get back into those damn skinny jeans!! I want to be able to maintain my weight. I want to feel healthy. But mainly, I want to raise my daughter into a healthy lifestyle. And I can’t do that by eating burgers and french fries, now can I?

Body Image & Why I Can’t Help But Hate Mine

Body Image. Man, I really hate those two words. I have such a negative view of my own body, that any time someone says “you must love your body”, I hold back the urge to gag and slap whoever it is that’s telling me this across the face. How dare they?! They have NO idea what I am going through! They have no idea how my thoughts work! And maybe sometimes they do, and then I get mad because they aren’t as disgusted with their own bodies, as I am with mine. Yes, I know this is awful, negative, and unhealthy but I can’t help it!

When I was younger, all I WANTED was to be this skinny girl with perfect hair and perfect clothes, and for Pete’s sake would it kill a BOY to find interest in me!? As I got older, I was a bit more rebellious, I had bigger boobs than most girls in my class so I started “covering” up. And by that, I mean I started dressing more like a boy. LOL! T-shirts, jeans, chucks. I still didn’t find myself pretty or skinny, but I worked out CONSTANTLY! I may not have been skinny, but I sure as hell was NOT going to get bigger. Looking back on those days now, and I have no idea WHAT I was thinking?? Anywho, California happened and I screwed up. I stopped exercising as much because I was working two jobs. I got high, so I was EATING a good amount more (and with all those fast food places RIGHT around the corner, my toughest decision was “Where do I go eat tonight?” Not good.

Fast forward to moving back to Texas, then getting married, and finally pregnancy. My weight went up and down CONSTANTLY throughout those three years!! Now, I love my daughter and I wouldn’t trade her for the world! To be honest, I’d do it all over again if I could. But, those nasty stretch marks left behind...I DO NOT CARE FOR. That gross flap of FLAB that dangles from my midsection is repulsive. And because of all of this, I just can’t love my body. I hate it. Those stretch marks on my thighs, buttocks, and midsection are awful, huge, and DEEP! I used “Palmer’s Cocoa Butter, and TUMMY balm” the ENTIRE time I was pregnant. And at first, I only gained three marks on my belly from losing weight so fast than the last three months of pregnancy totally did me in. My entire stomach and sides were covered. It will take LASER REMOVAL to get rid of them! And that’s money, I don’t have! That’s money that I could never spend on myself because I have a CHILD or DEBT that need it more.

I see loss in these marks. I know it’s stupid but, I fear that if they don’t eventually go away that I will no longer be “appealing” to my husband. Not to mention my sex drive has gone WAY down too. My husband is nice about it, but I can tell that it bothers him a bit more than he lets on. I used to be adventurous, and I was always ready to fool around. Now, I can’t even really do anything unless my shirt stays on and that’s even IF I allow myself to get that far. And this change in me, due to the marks, the lack of self-esteem has me a bit annoyed. I’m bothered that I let this get to me so bad. I should be proud. I should wear these marks with pride! They mean that I gave birth. That I brought a soul into this world. They stand for motherhood and all the joys that come with it. So why, do those things still not bring me comfort? Why am I still so upset about them? 

This is one of those things I have to overcome. I have to accept myself, how I am. But who knows when that will be…

Let It Go, For Changes Always Come...‏

Part One

Ok, so lately I've been trying to figure myself out. Waaaay easier said, than done. I am a 22-year-old mother and wife that is trying so hard to find out who she is. It's leaving me more confused than secure in who I am...

At seventeen, I used to go to rock (hardcore, "emo", screamo, love metal) concerts. Music was EVERYTHING to me and the lyrics MEANT something to me. I wore band T-Shirts, pants, and my chucks EVERY day. My hair changed colors, and black eyeliner was the only make-up I needed.

I moved to California and everyone wore HEELS!! So, I started wearing heels. Of course, there's the flip-flop staple, so I wore those a lot too. A bathing suit was a must! We were constantly at the beach, the lake, the river, or the pool. My boyfriend (now husband), and I loved going out to the local "club", and so getting all dressed up was a must. OUT went the band T-Shirts. In came all the make-up, and cleavage-baring shirts. 

I moved back to Texas and gained A LOT of weight. I started working at Vet Outlet and so I started wearing just plain shirts. We'd go out on weekends and I'd dress up, but not as much as I used to.  Then we got married, and I kind of put my weight on the back burner. I SHOULD NOT HAVE DONE THAT!!!! I got pregnant, and I LET MYSELF GO. I didn't even wear make-up!! Which was something you didn't see me without. I started wearing bigger pants, bigger shirts. I never messed with my hair, it stayed in a bun. How sexy could I possibly look, with a big baby bump?? It doesn't exactly scream "Take my clothes off!!" I felt fat and my belly was uncomfortable. The last thing I wanted to TRY and slide into was a pair of skinny jeans.

I had Emery, and I was back into sweatpants. I went back to work, and my jeans and capris came back, along with plain shirts and a little bit of make-up. It has now been six months since February 17th, and I have found myself in comfy shirts, capris, flats, minimal make-up, and what my husband calls "mommy shorts". I have huge, deep stretch marks so bathing suits are COMPLETELY out of the question. None of this is screaming “Undress me, with your teeth!” either.

I miss my younger years. I miss the black eyeliner, and my chucks. I miss the random concerts, and I miss my TIGHT skinny jeans!!! I miss being a size 8, with my perky, round, B cup boobs!! I miss my flat, unmarked stomach. I miss looking young. I miss manicures and black nail polish. I miss listening to music really loud, with the windows rolled down in my old truck. I miss being sure that my husband loved me. I miss having friends that actually cared. I miss having late nights and no worries. I miss not having to think about the future. I miss being seventeen.

When did I lose myself? I work at a place that I don’t like, with people I have NOTHING in common with. I look more and more like my mother every day (size and style). I hardly ever listen to new music. My band shirts are in a big plastic tote, because they're all too small for me, and I'm too broke to buy new ones. I had my lip pierced, but recently took it out because I was having an identity crisis. My tattoos are pretty much the only things that give any indication of me being "young" once.

Today, I received an email titled, Letting Go. It left me feeling sad and even more confused with what I want out of my life. Growing up is such a hard thing to do, but do you have to leave EVERYTHING behind? I know I am a mother now, but does that mean I need to go out and buy everything that makes me LOOK like a "mommy"? Do, I need to keep my hair just one color, and my band shirts stuffed in a box?  And what exactly is ok to keep and let go of in my life? Growing up, is such a pain. Letting go of things to make room for change is just as painful, if not much worse.

Rollercoasters!! Or Maybe Not…

I love when people change plans, less than 24 hours beforehand.... NOT!

The past two weeks, everything had been set that we'd go to Six Flags on the 13th with some of Beau's family. I was beyond excited! I love roller coasters, and I haven't been since I was 17! I had to wait to make sure we'd have the money for it before saying yes. My check came in, and we were good to go! My mother even offered to babysit Emery so we wouldn't have to have her out in that 102-degree heat. I had clothes and a little "essentials" bag prepared. I could almost feel the wind hitting me from going really fast, on the Batman! I could feel the heat and the misters!! Ah, the thrills!

 I got a text message today at 3 pm telling me that they had changed their minds, they were going to the water park instead. I think I almost cried.

NO ONE (and I do mean NOOOOO OOOONNNNEEEE!) wants/needs to see me in a bathing suit of any kind. First, I have huge, UGLY stretch marks. I am not even exaggerating (pictures). Second, I am fat. Parts of me jiggle that SHOULD NEVER jiggle. NO ONE needs to see that. I, myself, get grossed out by looking at it. And last, even if I were to get talked into going, I have no bathing suit that FITS, and those are not cheap. So I'd end up spending just as much if not more to go to a water park then I would Six Flags. Did I mention that water parks have never been fun for me either? So even if I did go, I'd have a pretty lousy time because I'd just be standing around watching everyone else. What a waste of 30 bucks, huh?

Nope, not doing it. And with that, my hopes of a day of fun with no worries went out the window...

My husband is still going, so it looks like I will be spending the day with my little one. So in the end, I guess I still win.

Weighing In, May

So, I've decided to post a picture each month, along with my weight, to track my weight loss "progress". Weight has always been something I struggled with. But if I look back at years 11-19, I was healthy! Then I moved and it went downhill from there.

I did lose over 30lbs at the beginning of my pregnancy. I had all day sickness up till about 5 months. After ducking out of my doctor's appointment 5 times, he decided he had to put me on some medicine to keep me from vomiting.

After having Emery I had lost about 5 lbs. Then came the breastfeeding and I lost another 20. And now I'm down to a total of 29 lbs lost! Yay me!

Now, I want to start working out and eating healthy. Easier said than done (just had a Swiss chocolate roll). I also realized that I have to start slow because it's been a while since I've worked out and since I plan to pump as long as I can, I still have to take in quite a few calories for my milk production to keep coming.

Even with that, I'm hoping to be down to 130 lbs by the end of this year! So wish me luck! And here's to my first "weight" post!

May 2010, 174 lbs

p/s no worries people, the baby is sound asleep and I went back to holding her after the picture was taken.