A Lesson Learned & Options

So after getting the crappy news on Thursday afternoon about the job offer I kind of felt like we had been cheated out of something good. All because of one tiny, little detail. A detail that seriously was irrelevant because this job did not require my husband to drive. Also, he would not have been driving to and from work either. It had all been arranged. So after already having a very draining day, we get hit with that, and it kind of shattered our plans. I found myself wondering "What the hell are we going to do now?" 

Things at home were pretty glooming when I got off of work. My husband blames himself, and anytime he “fails” at something he gets upset. Then I get mad because it’s something we have no control over. We passed up several opportunities due to inconvenience in the past, and now that we’re ready to really move forward we run into some bad luck. Such is life. So instead of getting all upset I let myself have a little 2 minute cry –alone, took a 30 minute nap while my mom took Emery out for a walk, and then went on with our evening. Because really, what could we do?

Now, we’re faced with looking at our options. Currently, my husband can not apply for a license until after November. We can’t afford to wait that long. So, now we have to contact the DMV and a lawyer to see what is required and/or if he qualifies to get at least a hardship license. If he’s eligible, my mother and father have talked to me about helping us out to get that taken care of. Then, they’ll try again. If he’s not, then I have a major decision to make.

At this very same company, some very reliable employees (friends) have told me about some office positions opening up soon, that are exactly what I’m currently doing but with better pay. Now, I like where I’m at now because the people are wonderful and my boss man allows me to rearrange my schedule to fit in school, which not very many employers do. They are very laid back and flexible. They understand that family is important and sometimes emergencies happen. Being here is a blessing and it’s allowed me to continue my education. But, we need money.

This other job would definitely be a pay increase. And even though they too would allow me to go to school, it would have to be on their schedule. Pretty much they say: Here are your hours, if you’re going to school find classes that work around this. That’s all fine and dandy, except I travel two hours round-trip to my school. And they don’t always offer everything I need to take in the evenings or online. Trust me, I’ve looked into it. Why don’t I just transfer earlier than planned to my local university, you ask? Well because I have to have a certain amount of hours to transfer, and it’s BEYOND expensive. I can take two classes at my current college (books included) for the price of one class at my local university (books not included). And, my FAFSA Pell Grant will not cover everything I need. So, I’m trying to get as much done before I transfer in hopes of avoiding having to take out a huge student loan.

So this means that if I do decide to apply for this job, I’ll have to take a break from school. Or, see if a machine position is available on a weekend-only shift. My current schedule for the fall has me at my college twice a week by 3 pm. This interferes with the potential office job hours. But if my husband doesn’t find something by the middle of August, I will probably have to withdrawal from the fall semester anyway because we simply can’t afford the cost of gas to get me to and from, on just my income. I could still take two online classes but I’ll still fall really behind.

Simply put, we put all of our eggs in one basket, and someone came and stomped the shit out of it. The sad part is that we should have known better. We should have double checked the requirements for the job. We should have accepted the out of town job offer to hold us over until this one came up. We should have checked into a hardship license a long time go. We should have known better. But, life doesn’t stop. And right now these are the options we have set in front of us. Hopefully, everything will work out okay. Until then, there isn’t much we can do but wait and see.

A Weekend With No Pictures!

This weekend was exactly what I needed. It was not by any means “slow”, but it was very laid back. I’m still aiming for a weekend where my car does not move from the spot I left it after coming home on Friday.

Not sure if I had mentioned before that some of our friends moved back after being stationed in Hawaii for a year. They arrived last Tuesday, and it has been nice to just walk down the road and have another couple/parent friends so close by. We’ve missed them, and it’s nice for them to be back in Texas. So, Friday night they threw a small coming home party. Beer, and music. I had a few beers, and then sat and enjoyed the music being played. My husband brought over his equipment and was recording them, and at the end of the night, he was playing the drums with them! It was such a nice, fun, drama free evening. We made it home by 11:30 pm, and unfortunately my husband had to be up at 7 am. Still, he was having fun and even when I asked if he wanted to leave around 10 pm, he said he wanted to stay.  I have no pictures from the night! I voluntarily left my camera at home and my cell phone in the car. I didn’t want to be distracted or worry about anything. I did check my phone twice to make sure my mother didn’t call, but other than that I just ENJOYED myself.  Much needed.

Saturday, I spent most of my day at home. Laundry and a bit of cleaning. Then that afternoon I went and bought some groceries (Em was down to two jars of baby food), and ended up getting her a little pool too. But with this random Texas weather, she has yet to be able to play in it. :-( Maybe sometime this week though? Then, Saturday night, we went over to a new friend of ours house to celebrate his wife’s graduation! The first half of the party included kids, but the second part was for adults. So the kids that were in attendance were picked up, and we ended up heading out because my husband was having to work on Sunday as well. Still, we enjoyed some good food, meeting new people, and being able to have Emery along was wonderful. Everyone absolutely loved her!  So that was a good night too. We were home by 12 am.

Sunday, Emery and I slept in till 9 (which hasn’t happened since right after she was born!!) My poor hubby had to go to work at 6 am, so I felt pretty bad. I’m sure Emery could have slept longer but once I saw that it was that “late” I got up and started getting ready for the day. Once my husband got home we were off to his grandmother’s for a cookout! We spent most of the afternoon relaxing, catching up with his side of the family, eating some really good burgers (brownies for dessert), and watching “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”. We made our way home around 4 pm and off to our friends again to just hang out before calling it a day. Emery got to play with their daughter, and some new friends of our little girl (she’s 9 months). She was also able to see the miniature horses, and run around in the yard. We went home around 7 pm and she was OUT for the night. We all climbed into bed and I started on Glee Season One (I had started it before but never finished it).

It was such a nice weekend. And just like Friday, I have no pictures of the rest of the weekend because I was just enjoying myself. Enjoying my family. I was catching my breath and relaxing. I feel a lot better about things this week. I feel a bit rested, and fully capable of facing whatever is coming our way; good or bad. I can handle it and I will overcome it.

Speaking of overcoming things. This weekend my husband and I talked about the incident from last weekend and he’s still only remembering bits and pieces from the night. Some he says are completely blacked out. But he thinks there was someone else involved with the phone incident. Because he remembers giving someone (who shall remain nameless) money for what he thinks was the phone. And like I’ve said before I not once saw him going through anyone’s purse (where the “victim” claims she had left it). Not only that but when we were there that person came in for ten minutes and then left for about an hour. When she returned, we had only stayed about 30 minutes more before leaving. That was not enough time for my husband to dig through a purse, delete all the contacts/pictures/ media, and get rid of the SIM card (which needs a tool because it’s an iPhone). Especially not when on Xanex and drunk. Trust me! Then, we found out some new details about why exactly he was being “blamed”, along with a few other people telling us that they KNOW (or have the suspicion)  that it wasn’t my husband. So the pieces are just not clicking! My husband doesn’t really remember much, and despite me trying to get to the bottom of it, he feels we should just let it go. He says that no one will listen because they only hear what they want. He says it won't restore our good name. It won't undo what was done. And I won’t argue because that’s exactly how these people are. So, he says that whether he took it or not he’ll still face the consequences. I am standing by him. Proudly. And like I said before, we’ll be ok.

Things are good, we are good. We are moving on.  

Wedding

I'm happy about weddings. It's nice to see people in love. But all of this buzz about the Royal wedding is a tad bit ridiculous. A lot of gossip and news columns are reporting the cost to be well over 20 million dollars! I’d much rather see the money they are spending on this wedding go to a much better use. There are so many people, children, and countries that could use the money. And here it is, being wasted, for someone to get their "dream" wedding. Because they are considered royalty? Such a shame. 

Wasted and Embarrassed

I think I’m over drinking for good. This past Saturday was the craziest I’ve been in a VERY long time. I’m talkin' about 18 years old crazy. And that wasn’t always a good crazy. I’m slightly embarrassed. Not gonna lie. I won’t go into the whole night, but I will tell you the most embarrassing part. I flashed my husband. Yup, I flashed my husband in front of EVERYONE. So, I guess, I flashed everyone. Don’t judge, I was wasted. Anywho, there was a bit of arguing (not over the flashing), and then I got all down about being a crappy mom due to my behavior. Yea, I can’t believe I acted that way either. It was a little sad if I do say so myself.

This is not me, here's the credit.

Anyway, Sunday was hell. I had a headache, almost fainted, almost threw up a few times, and my balance was completely off. Em stepped on a piece of glass, and I think it hurt me more than it hurt her. The blood didn't help me feel better either. In fact, it made my stomach turn. Blah! It just wasn’t a good day, and we spent a lot of it napping. My husband is awesome because he didn’t have a hangover so he took care of Em for most of the day and let me nap. He wasn't mad about the flashing, even though I‘m still beating myself up over it! In fact, he said that out of everyone there, only two other people may have seen them, and they probably needed to see a good set of boobs. Still, it wasn't “good wife & mommy behavior”, and I feel really bad about it. But, what can I do? It’s done, my husband isn’t mad, and so I must move on.

Now, I know I’ve said it before about easing up on the drinking. But seriously, this time I think I need to cut alcohol out completely. I understand having a girls night with dinner and a few drinks. Or maybe having a few beers with the hubs here and there. But no more liquor, and I’m sticking to SIX packs only. They get me nicely buzzed and they’re cheaper. Also, I will be spreading these “fun times” apart. Literally, they need to be months apart. If I have any more at all. I really need to quit altogether, but my husband gets offended if I don't at least have a "good time" with him and friends every now and then. Also, I feel like drinking is setting me back in my weight loss which I really don't like. Beer bellies are so unattractive, and they giggle. I already giggle enough, thanks. Plus, I don’t ever want to feel as out of control as I did on Saturday. I’m a wife and a mother for crying out loud! I should be more responsible than that. I should act more like what I am now instead of who I was before.

Other than that, our weekend was good. I still feel sick today though. Gr! But we got the news that our explorer should be completely fixed and ready to go by tomorrow morning at the latest. I'm excited to have our own vehicle again! Finally! Now we just have to work on my husband's license and we will be ready to go! Emery was 14 months as of yesterday and it makes me a little sad. Makes me want another baby so bad. But like I said before, right now is not the best time. I'll check back on that subject when Emery hits 18 months, LOL! Oh! And tonight, the hubs also has game #2, and I really hope it goes better than last weeks, for their morale sake anyway. I hope I actually get some pictures in this time too! Wish him luck!

That's about it for me today. I'm going to go puke now (ewwww) and pray that I get over this quickly! Hope everyone had a better weekend than I did! 

My Downer Mood Is Starting To Annoy Me..

Today, I had an awful start. My husband really pissed me off at 5 am. And then I had to take him to work. Grr. But then, of course, he apologized and we finally heard back about our POS explorer and it was WONDERFUL news!! There is nothing wrong with the transmission like we thought! Thank GOD!

You see, between December ‘09 and August ‘10 some asshole decided to take off our 4 x 4 shaft. Apparently, disconnecting those wires (because the asshole couldn’t have placed them back when they stole the shaft) is what caused the damn thing to have a few seizures until it finally wouldn’t run over 40 mph without shaking and making a whole lotta racket. Fun, fun!! At the time, we had no clue what the problem could be so I feared the worst. We thought it had something to do with the transmission, and I was all bent out of shape over having to fork over at least $500 (if not more) on a vehicle I didn’t want in the first place!! And then, we found out that the wires just needed to be reconnected and it was in need of an alignment. BAD! This means that, at most, I will be spending $150. Yay!! This means we can finally drive it and not have to depend on my parents to loan us their vehicle when we need to go somewhere!! Yay us! I am seriously tickled fucking pink over this!! –Yes, that explicit term was necessary- So, even with that awful start (and the crappy cold weather), my day is starting to look up!

Now, I just have to send off to get my hubs SR-22, and in about 4-6 weeks he can apply for his license in Texas!! I am NEVER driving again when this finally comes to be! We’ve been waiting 3 years for this! But with all of this “goodness” coming in my direction, I’m still a bit nervous. I’m trying to not get too excited because with my luck (which has NEVER been good) something bad ALWAYS happens. I really hope this time is different though. Please, please, please let it be different?!

Now, taking this post in a completely different direction. I’m so bummed today!! I am wanting a house/place of our own so bad. I would love to be able to furnish and decorate however I want! I want to have a place in working order (electricity/water/ CHA) with an actual fridge and stove. To have those, well, it would be too much for me to take in at once I think! I’d probably pee myself. But, this will not happen for a good long time.  

I’ve been looking at apartments and houses for rent. Unfortunately, most places would not take us because of our family pet Sampson. So, our choices are VERY limited. So far, I’ve found out that we could NOT afford a house. They do credit checks, criminal history checks, most of them have a “no pet” policy, and we’re looking at $800 per month and up. Not to mention most have a $500+ deposit fee. Factor in utilities, most of our bills, and we are left paying at least $1,000+ a month. Ugggh!! We’d have to have a roommate. Which is something I want to stay away from. Then, we have apartments. Again, most around here have a “no pet” policy, and they require criminal history and credit checks. They are a bit cheaper, but the spaces are usually small. Unless we do River Walk again, which is SO not an option for me. The wait list is so long, and there are too many families with little kids that run around unsupervised. THEN, that’s where all the bad crap happened before and I ‘d rather avoid it.

Which brings me to buying. I wish we could buy our own house, but that means permanence. I really would like to get out of this town one day. I’ve stated before that I would love to be closer to the ocean. Away and on our own. But you can’t find cheap prices around beaches the way you can here. And I repeat "I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE HERE FOREVER". Then, there’s this really huge problem with our credit. It sucks! We are below “BAD” when it comes to our score. THANK YOU CREDIT CARDS! So even with us paying stuff off, we’d have to wait another 6-12 months before it would reflect on our score in a positive way.  

Look at the kind of deals we're missing out on:

3bdrm/2bath

Big back yard

Wooden FLOORS

$69,000.00

Yea the town is small, and we haven't really thought about staying here permanently, but most of these homes are in between my family and his. And it would be OURS. It even has a dishwasher!! The paint job inside would have to be redone, but it would be the perfect first home! And I want that! I want a place of our own. A place that Beau, Em, and I could call OUR home. Not "we live with my parents". Not "we stay at his mom's" - never again. And not "Oh we have a roommate". I want a place we wouldn't have to share with anyone. So today, I'm really sad. Because having the option of looking for our dream home isn't even possible right now. All I can do is just pray that the big man has a plan.

Baby steps Raquel...

Baby steps...

Raquel? Raquel Who?

I was writing an email to my friend the other day, she's going on a business trip this month and feels bad about having to leave her little boy because she's going to miss him terribly, and at one point I wrote this:

"Take those three days as a "semi" vacation. I wish I could get one. I would miss Emery so much, but I've realized that I have been so busy trying to be the perfect mom, trying to work to pay for EVERYTHING, and I've been trying to make everyone else happy that I don't give ME any time to breathe. I know that our needs don't come first anymore, but does that mean that we aren't allowed to do anything for ourselves? Do we just stop existing? It's like Raquel is no longer a person, it's Emery's mom or Beau's wife. And that kind of sucks. So even though you're going to miss your little man, try to enjoy a few days to yourself. Who knows when you'll get that chance again."

I find that this ONE of MANY things that has been troubling me lately. Everyone knows that my husband can't work at the moment so he's at home with Emery. My dad gets home at 3 pm, and if I am not at my house by 5:30 pm, I am getting calls. "Why aren't you here? Beau's been with the baby all day, you need to come take her so he can get a break." Apparently, it's my "job" as a woman to take care of the child with no complaints. It's my "job" to not think about my needs anymore. No one ever calls Beau when I've had Emery all day to tell him to come give me a break (not saying that I need one) do they? No. My father and I are constantly butting heads over this too. So, I talked to my mother and she said that my dad's way of thinking is purely based on the fact that he never had to take care of my brother and I because he was always working. He lived in Georgia till I was about 4 years old, and then he worked the night shift in Brownwood before going to FMC. Then, a few weekends ago, my brother said something that troubled me. He said that I need to stop leaving Emery with my mom when I go run errands because Emery won't stop crying, and it's frustrating for my parents. He told me that just because mom offers, doesn't mean I have to say yes. I had Emery, so I need to have her with me all the time and if I can't handle that, I should have been smart enough to not get pregnant. And he said I don't need to have any type of life, that I should be solely focused on my daughter's needs. Then he finished with "Raquel, you can't think about you anymore. You're doing an ok job as a mom, but you could do a whole lot better."

:::pause:::

Thanks?? I mean how am I suppose to reply to that?? I thought I was doing a pretty good job, and here comes an onlooker in the form of my brother telling me that I am not. What the crap? Have I not put everyone else before me enough? Have I not put my husband's (you don't even know) and my daughter's needs before mine enough? How much more do I need to do? What else do I need to sacrifice before I am allowed a guilt-free break? Why is thinking about my needs completely out of the question? No one else is thinking about them. And why is it so wrong to let my mom take care of Emery for an afternoon so I can go get some things from town?? It's a lot easier and quicker, isn't it?

Anyone else out there feel like they're invisible? Does having a child really mean the end of you as a person? My mother tells me to not pay attention to them because a) My brother doesn't have a child so he has no room to talk and b) My dad left everything up to my mom, even after he moved back so he has no room to talk. But, it's hard to not pay attention to them when I keep getting served this big bowl of reasons as to why I am failing as a mother.

Rollercoasters!! Or Maybe Not…

I love when people change plans, less than 24 hours beforehand.... NOT!

The past two weeks, everything had been set that we'd go to Six Flags on the 13th with some of Beau's family. I was beyond excited! I love roller coasters, and I haven't been since I was 17! I had to wait to make sure we'd have the money for it before saying yes. My check came in, and we were good to go! My mother even offered to babysit Emery so we wouldn't have to have her out in that 102-degree heat. I had clothes and a little "essentials" bag prepared. I could almost feel the wind hitting me from going really fast, on the Batman! I could feel the heat and the misters!! Ah, the thrills!

 I got a text message today at 3 pm telling me that they had changed their minds, they were going to the water park instead. I think I almost cried.

NO ONE (and I do mean NOOOOO OOOONNNNEEEE!) wants/needs to see me in a bathing suit of any kind. First, I have huge, UGLY stretch marks. I am not even exaggerating (pictures). Second, I am fat. Parts of me jiggle that SHOULD NEVER jiggle. NO ONE needs to see that. I, myself, get grossed out by looking at it. And last, even if I were to get talked into going, I have no bathing suit that FITS, and those are not cheap. So I'd end up spending just as much if not more to go to a water park then I would Six Flags. Did I mention that water parks have never been fun for me either? So even if I did go, I'd have a pretty lousy time because I'd just be standing around watching everyone else. What a waste of 30 bucks, huh?

Nope, not doing it. And with that, my hopes of a day of fun with no worries went out the window...

My husband is still going, so it looks like I will be spending the day with my little one. So in the end, I guess I still win.