Needing Some Peace

Today, I kind of just wanted to sit down in my room and write whatever comes to mind. See what comes pouring out. Where my thoughts take me. Though, I’m afraid it won’t be all that cheerful. At least, the details won’t be. Still, it’s a part of our story. My story. And well, here goes.

Recently, I discovered a few troubling things in regards to Beau. To say that they infuriated me would be an understatement. I felt like going into his “studio” (partial room in my home), and ripping everything apart. I wanted to pack everything up in boxes and scrub the walls of anything having to do with him. I wanted to yell, “WHY THE FUCK DO YOU KEEP DOING THIS?! Is this really how you’re choosing to repay my kindness?!” I wanted to shake him so hard that I could hear his teeth rattle. But I also wanted to be wrong. I wanted it to be paranoia on my part. For there to be some reasonable explanation. I wanted to be able to hug him and say, “I’m sorry I doubted you. Thank you for proving me wrong.”

Up until this point, I would say that I have been very kind, and amicable. I have been more than tolerable and accommodating. I have helped him when he’s asked for it, and I haven’t asked for anything in return. Because I do not want him to fail. God, how I want him to thrive. I want him to be at peace. I want him to be a great father. To find love that makes him so fucking happy. I truly want so much good for him because after everything he was put through he deserves to have a wonderful life. In November, I recall standing in front of him saying, “I love you. I love you so damn much. But I’m not good for you. I enable you & I bring out some of the worst behavior. I have let so many things slide for too many years which you’ve never been held accountable for so you think it’s okay. But it’s not. And I want you to want to be a better person for your daughter. For yourself. I want you to be happy. And if that means taking myself out of the picture then I love you enough to do it.”

So, instead of doing all of those things I stated above I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. I decided to push back what I felt, and what my gut was telling me in order to trust that if there was anything that I needed to be informed of he would tell me. But a day later I was proven wrong in making that decision, and I felt such disappointment. But most of all I felt this overwhelming sadness for him. Since that day, I’d say that I’ve felt myself close off from him completely. I’ve asked that he speed up the process of moving out too. Because not only is he putting my daughter and I at risk, but he’s also being extremely disrespectful towards me. And he’s very much a trigger for my mental health issues. The anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and anger. A lot of it starts to come at me a lot harder when he’s around. When we’re both in the house I’m always tense, anxious, or worried. There’s always some kind of drama or waves of anger. Not always about us or towards me, but it’s felt. There’s always something going wrong or yelling. There are days when hateful words are being shouted, and cabinets are being slammed. I’m constantly having to pause before entering my own house to take a deep breath and brace myself for who I’ll find inside. Will it be the calm person? The happy person? The angry man wanting to lash out? And y’all, it’s exhausting. I’d say about 40% of these things are aimed at me while the other 60% are aimed at other people in his life. But regardless, I have to be there to deal with it. And, I’m tired.

What really opened my eyes was when he spent the weekend with some friends out of town. I could feel the whole house change in his absence. We woke up early, we cleaned, and all of the curtains were open. There was light in all of the rooms, and my house didn’t smell of cigarettes. There was no yelling or cursing. Instead, there was singing, dancing, and laughter. There was this calm that fell over us and it was so nice. The first full day that he was back we started talking about finances, and that quickly led to an argument. Our daughter came into the room screaming, “ENOUGH! STOP IT! STOP FIGHTING!” We both stopped talking, and he turned around to tell her to hush because sometimes this was just how life was. I stood there looking at him, stunned, as our little girl ran into the living room in tears. When I followed to console her she said: “Why can’t you and dad go one day without fighting?” And she’s right. A bit exaggerated, but we have been arguing a lot more lately. As I sat there hugging her I knew that our living situation was just not working anymore. The time had arrived for us to set a plan in motion and have dates set for when he would be moving out. I sat with Emery and told her that in this case, her father was wrong. This is NOT how life is supposed to be. And she deserved better from us. So, I promised her that I’d do my part to smooth things over until we had a plan. I told her that soon we’d have some calm in our home, and things would get better. And that’s what I’m hoping for. What I’m working towards. I truly feel like it's time for us to finally close the door on this part of our lives. For us to go our separate ways and start our new journeys. I feel like we all need this right now. And if I have to be the one to step up and demand it, I will. Because we all deserve some peace. 

Consequences - Part Two

Written on 12/1/17

On November 17th, I stayed a little late after work like I always do. A whole group of us usually go up the road to have a beer, and talk about the week we had. While I was driving home I noticed that I had a missed call from my husband at about 5:30 pm which I hadn’t heard because my phone was on silent. By the time I picked up my daughter, and pulled into our drive way it was already 6 pm. So, I tried returning his call before we even set foot inside the house, but it went straight to voicemail. As I walked up the side of our house I realized his car was not where he usually parks it so I assumed the earlier call had been to let me know he was going out. I left it at that because I knew that he’d find a way to call me if he needed something, or if what he needed to tell me was urgent.

After getting our little to bed, and putting up the laundry I decided to open up a bottle of wine, and have a glass. It had been a gift from the company earlier that afternoon so I figured I’d pop in a movie, and have a taste. While pouring my glass I noticed that it was already after 8 pm, and I still had not heard back from my husband. I got this weird feeling in my stomach, and I remember whispering “Please just let him get home safely.” Of course, this scenario and this kind of worry is not uncommon for me. If y’all only knew. So, I began the normal routine of trying to find out where he was. I tried calling his phone again, but it was still off. So, I sent a quick message to a friend asking if they had heard from him recently, and they said that they hadn’t. And this is when my anxiety started to kick in. Overthinking, and worst-case scenarios began to play in my mind. I tried my best to push all of the irrational thoughts out of my head because that does no one any good. And just to answer the obvious unspoken question: Yes, even with everything going on I still worry about him. I always want to make sure that he’s okay. That he’s safe. And that he’s not in some ditch somewhere, or worse. So I kept watching the door, and turned the volume on the TV down low, half expecting to hear that damn stereo system thumping a block away. I was so ready to give him an earful about how much worry, and anxiety he had caused me. To say “Next time call me from your friend’s phone so I know you’re OKAY!” But none of that happened.

After the longest forty-five minutes of my life I received a call from the sheriff’s office informing me that my husband had been arrested. They allowed me to talk to him, and he told me to speak with the bail bondsmen in the morning. After the relief washed over me - he wasn’t dead - I became really angry. “What the hell happened? What did you get arrested for? Was anyone with you? Why the hell couldn’t you wait until I got home before heading off?!” There was a string of “I’m sorry. I don’t know. I don’t know. They won’t tell me anything. Just call the bondsmen tomorrow….” and then the line went silent. I was redirected to an officer who informed me that they couldn’t tell me much, but they did give me some numbers to call the following morning. And it has been a very uneasy, and uncertain time ever since. From finding out the charges, to finding out how much it would cost to get him out, and then finally talking with a lawyer about what to do. There are times when I’ve cried, and felt pretty damn helpless. I’ve felt guilt over not coming home right away that evening. I've been angry over what he did to get himself arrested. But the hardest part was having to tell our daughter that her dad wasn’t going to be home for a while. I almost broke down as she clung to me, and offered to give me her piggy bank money if it would help get her daddy out. Though I know that this is not my fault, and I know that this was bound to happen at some point due to the choices he was making. It still sucks. I still feel some responsibility, and I hate seeing him in there.

Now this is a small town. So small in fact, that someone runs an “In the Jail House Now” page which takes the previous days arrests, and then posts their mugshots all over Facebook. The Saturday after his arrest my phone was going off continuously. People were asking if I was okay? If our daughter was safe? Had she been taken away? Was I in trouble? They asked if I had seen the posts on all of the local groups. And when I finally got the nerve to look it up, at the reactions, I saw something that I didn’t like. Posted by a certain someone who had no business talking. And the anger just kicked in all over again. At him for doing something so stupid, and reckless. At her for even thinking that she had a right to laugh after all she had done. At myself for even giving a fuck about what was published online. And the truth is, that I don’t care what people think about me. Or what they say about me; about my relationship. I don’t care because they will never know the truth behind our closed doors. They don’t know the struggles, and demons my husband has fought over the years. Some that he’s won, and some that have sadly taken over. But what I do care about, fiercely, is our daughter. When it came time to explain to her what was going on I left a lot of details out. I only let her know that her father made a few mistakes that he was having to take responsibility for by staying in jail for a little while. But that doesn’t mean that she won’t hear other things from someone else. So yes, I care. I care about how she’ll get treated for this at school. About how little ears hear nasty things from adults, and then they get repeated on the playground to my daughter. It’s happened before on several occasions. I care about how much she misses her dad, and how she feels about this whole situation. And I think the fact that this is all even happening, that she has to experience this at all, is what both angers and saddens me the most.

For now, all I can do is try my best to stay positive and adjust to what’s going on around me. Because the truth is that my husband will miss Christmas, and more than likely our daughter’s birthday next year. The truth is that he is the only person responsible for what’s happening to him. And even though all of this really sucks it was probably the best thing for him in the long run. And even though my husband will become my ex-husband in a little over a month there are very few people who are in his corner at the moment. Even fewer who are able to help come up with the funds to hire a lawyer, and get him out in a few months. But I intended to be one of them. I intended to do what I can. To be there for him in whatever capacity that I can.

Consequences - Part One

Written on 11/10/17

How to start this off. Well, first let me just warn you that this will probably be a long post. I will ramble along in order to try, and find the words for what has been going on lately. Some might find the news a bit confusing, expected, untraditional, or just plain weird. However, I figured it was probably time that I share…

On October 23rd, after two months of talking with my husband & witnessing several things, I retained a lawyer. On the 27th a divorce petition was filed. I could tell you that this was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make, but that would be an understatement. In some ways, this was worse than the last time. Much worse. I cried at the lawyer’s office. I cried in the bathroom at work. I cried at the grocery store. I cried as I ran on the treadmill in the middle of my gym. And I’ve cried myself to sleep on countless nights since. For the most part I’ve felt this numbness. It’s mixed in with a broken heart, and feelings of defeat; dejectedness. I’m pretty sure this is causing my depression to get worse too. So, the past month has been hard; sad, lonely. Unfortunately, this is happening because it was the only option I had left. I had exhausted everything else. I had drawn, and redrawn lines. There was compromises, and forgiveness. And yet there was still a lot of other stuff simmering beneath the surface. So, in the end, I knew that this was the right thing to do.

At first my husband was angry. I’m assuming that this was because I had actually gone through with it. We'd talked about it a lot in the months prior to me retaining a lawyer. Though, I think we both thought it was just that... "talks". Never had I ever imagined being the one to pull the trigger on this decision. And yet, here we are. Once he accepted that we were moving in this direction there were apologies and voiced regrets. From both of us. And if my heart hadn’t already been broken it would have cracked—shattered at his words. However, it all comes down to choices. Consequences. Drug addiction has played a part in this. Infidelity has played a part in this. All of the recurrences I was warned about. All of the habits I was told would come back... did. But I chose to ignore them. Until I couldn’t anymore. My own stubbornness played a part in this. My own fear of failure played a part in this. My want of love from him was causing my own heartbreak. Because I wanted it so damn badly that I chose to look away from what was happening. Until I couldn’t anymore.

But if you want honesty, I’d say that I still love my husband. So damn much. He is the person I think of when I want to tell someone about my day. When I need to laugh, cry, or just be heard. When I want to be held in silence, he's the person I look for. When I have this urge to just lay down in bed as the sound of rain comes through the window I want him to be the person laying next to me. Or when our daughter does something funny I instantly want to share it with him. Our lives have been intertwined since I was 15. My first adventures away from home, life—the good & bad-- that I have led, and my daughter are all with him. Because of him. Knowing right now, in this very moment, that in a few months we are no longer going to be married is causing me to have knots in my stomach. I feel empty...hurt. And honestly, if it were just the two of us, I wouldn’t be sitting here telling you this news. God, if it were just the two of us, I would look the other way as long as he came home to me every night. Not sure what that says about me in the end. But I would have overlooked it all. I would grin, and bear it as long as he kept loving me. In whatever capacity he was capable of. But it’s not, and I can’t.

I wish things were different. I wish that I could erase the bad shit. I wish that we were strong enough to find a way around all of this. I wish we could go back to the days when love conquered all. When it was enough. But there comes a point in life, when in situations like mine, that you have to ask yourself if you’re okay. If you’re truly fine with what’s happening to your family? If the turbulent home life you’re offering is the best that you can do for your child? For yourself? For your spouse? Regardless of who’s causing the conflict. You have to ask yourself if the path you’re currently on is a healthy one? Are you really able to look at yourself in the mirror, and be okay with what you’re allowing? If the answers are “YES” then keep going. Keep fighting for it. And if you can look your child in the eyes in that very same moment, and tell them with complete honesty that this is the best you can do for them then by all means keep going. But if it’s not? If you’re breaking your own heart, over and over again, then stop. If you know deep down inside of yourself that continuing will only make things worse, then make the choice to do better. However messy, and hard it may be...do what's right for yourself. For your family.

So, for the sake of our daughter we’ve decided to go through this amicably. Reluctantly, but peacefully. We’ve also talked to her about all of this. We’ve had discussions about what divorce will mean for us. How it will affect us as a family. And so far, she’s okay. As soon as I knew that we’d be taking this step I spoke with her teacher, and requested that she start seeing the school counselor once every other week or if they noticed a change in her behavior. This has, surprisingly, been the easiest part out of this whole situation because I feel that neither of us really wanted this outcome. But it is what we need. There is still love here. So that’s where we are at right now. It’s a bit awkward. Not everyone knows how to react when we tell them. Hell, half the time I’m still really confused by it all. But all I can do is try my hardest to get through it. For myself. For my daughter. And for whatever is yet to come. 

📷:Rupi Kaur poetry, click on picture for credit

A Lesson Learned & Options

So after getting the crappy news on Thursday afternoon about the job offer I kind of felt like we had been cheated out of something good. All because of one tiny, little detail. A detail that seriously was irrelevant because this job did not require my husband to drive. Also, he would not have been driving to and from work either. It had all been arranged. So after already having a very draining day, we get hit with that, and it kind of shattered our plans. I found myself wondering "What the hell are we going to do now?" 

Things at home were pretty glooming when I got off of work. My husband blames himself, and anytime he “fails” at something he gets upset. Then I get mad because it’s something we have no control over. We passed up several opportunities due to inconvenience in the past, and now that we’re ready to really move forward we run into some bad luck. Such is life. So instead of getting all upset I let myself have a little 2 minute cry –alone, took a 30 minute nap while my mom took Emery out for a walk, and then went on with our evening. Because really, what could we do?

Now, we’re faced with looking at our options. Currently, my husband can not apply for a license until after November. We can’t afford to wait that long. So, now we have to contact the DMV and a lawyer to see what is required and/or if he qualifies to get at least a hardship license. If he’s eligible, my mother and father have talked to me about helping us out to get that taken care of. Then, they’ll try again. If he’s not, then I have a major decision to make.

At this very same company, some very reliable employees (friends) have told me about some office positions opening up soon, that are exactly what I’m currently doing but with better pay. Now, I like where I’m at now because the people are wonderful and my boss man allows me to rearrange my schedule to fit in school, which not very many employers do. They are very laid back and flexible. They understand that family is important and sometimes emergencies happen. Being here is a blessing and it’s allowed me to continue my education. But, we need money.

This other job would definitely be a pay increase. And even though they too would allow me to go to school, it would have to be on their schedule. Pretty much they say: Here are your hours, if you’re going to school find classes that work around this. That’s all fine and dandy, except I travel two hours round-trip to my school. And they don’t always offer everything I need to take in the evenings or online. Trust me, I’ve looked into it. Why don’t I just transfer earlier than planned to my local university, you ask? Well because I have to have a certain amount of hours to transfer, and it’s BEYOND expensive. I can take two classes at my current college (books included) for the price of one class at my local university (books not included). And, my FAFSA Pell Grant will not cover everything I need. So, I’m trying to get as much done before I transfer in hopes of avoiding having to take out a huge student loan.

So this means that if I do decide to apply for this job, I’ll have to take a break from school. Or, see if a machine position is available on a weekend-only shift. My current schedule for the fall has me at my college twice a week by 3 pm. This interferes with the potential office job hours. But if my husband doesn’t find something by the middle of August, I will probably have to withdrawal from the fall semester anyway because we simply can’t afford the cost of gas to get me to and from, on just my income. I could still take two online classes but I’ll still fall really behind.

Simply put, we put all of our eggs in one basket, and someone came and stomped the shit out of it. The sad part is that we should have known better. We should have double checked the requirements for the job. We should have accepted the out of town job offer to hold us over until this one came up. We should have checked into a hardship license a long time go. We should have known better. But, life doesn’t stop. And right now these are the options we have set in front of us. Hopefully, everything will work out okay. Until then, there isn’t much we can do but wait and see.

Fighting For It

This past weekend, was one that I DO NOT CARE TO REPEAT. I found out who some people really were. I found out exactly where I stand with my husband. I scolded/snapped at a friend. And I threatened a girls life. Sunday afternoon was spent in utter rage. It was spent wanting to strangle someone. Sunday afternoon was spent talking about separation, divorce, or working through issues. Which would be best? Did we care enough to even try to work this out? Would either of us really work on our issues?

I gave up. I deserve to be important. I deserve to be a priority. I deserve to have some help. I deserve respect. I deserve it. I refuse to continue to settle for anything less than that. You want to trust again, you earn it. You say you love someone, prove it. You want to spend time with friends, spend time with your wife. You want to make music, teach your child. There is no shame in outgrowing people. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH FAMILY.

I was convinced to give it another go. To hash things out, and work through it. But in my head, I couldn’t help but wonder if this would ever end? Will these fights ever stop? Will we ever truly get passed this? Will I ever matter? Or will we continue to dance in these circles? Will I continue to let myself get talked into not walking out? And so before Sunday night started this came out of my mouth:

“If this doesn’t work. If things don’t change. My next step will be separation, and there won’t be a warning.”

I do not want my marriage to fail. I truly love my husband. I can’t ever picture my life without him in it. But that doesn’t mean that it couldn’t happen. That doesn't mean that one day he could just stop loving. One day I could have enough. One day?

But today is not that day. Today, we continue to hold hands and fight to keep this marriage going. And it’s not just because of our daughter. We’ve talked about how this can not be just for her. Having two unhappy parents would not make things better. We are doing this because we truly do care for each other. Sometimes, we just get a little sidetracked. Sometimes we let ourselves get caught up in being selfish. Sometimes, we have to remind ourselves to get back to where we started. Fall in love all over again. Find those reasons, say those extra “I love you's”. Show that appreciation, find time for each other. They always say the first years are the hardest. But, I truly believe that if this is going to work, if we are going to make it, we have to keep fighting for it. We have to keep learning from each other. We have to keep loving.

♥

A Weekend With No Pictures!

This weekend was exactly what I needed. It was not by any means “slow”, but it was very laid back. I’m still aiming for a weekend where my car does not move from the spot I left it after coming home on Friday.

Not sure if I had mentioned before that some of our friends moved back after being stationed in Hawaii for a year. They arrived last Tuesday, and it has been nice to just walk down the road and have another couple/parent friends so close by. We’ve missed them, and it’s nice for them to be back in Texas. So, Friday night they threw a small coming home party. Beer, and music. I had a few beers, and then sat and enjoyed the music being played. My husband brought over his equipment and was recording them, and at the end of the night, he was playing the drums with them! It was such a nice, fun, drama free evening. We made it home by 11:30 pm, and unfortunately my husband had to be up at 7 am. Still, he was having fun and even when I asked if he wanted to leave around 10 pm, he said he wanted to stay.  I have no pictures from the night! I voluntarily left my camera at home and my cell phone in the car. I didn’t want to be distracted or worry about anything. I did check my phone twice to make sure my mother didn’t call, but other than that I just ENJOYED myself.  Much needed.

Saturday, I spent most of my day at home. Laundry and a bit of cleaning. Then that afternoon I went and bought some groceries (Em was down to two jars of baby food), and ended up getting her a little pool too. But with this random Texas weather, she has yet to be able to play in it. :-( Maybe sometime this week though? Then, Saturday night, we went over to a new friend of ours house to celebrate his wife’s graduation! The first half of the party included kids, but the second part was for adults. So the kids that were in attendance were picked up, and we ended up heading out because my husband was having to work on Sunday as well. Still, we enjoyed some good food, meeting new people, and being able to have Emery along was wonderful. Everyone absolutely loved her!  So that was a good night too. We were home by 12 am.

Sunday, Emery and I slept in till 9 (which hasn’t happened since right after she was born!!) My poor hubby had to go to work at 6 am, so I felt pretty bad. I’m sure Emery could have slept longer but once I saw that it was that “late” I got up and started getting ready for the day. Once my husband got home we were off to his grandmother’s for a cookout! We spent most of the afternoon relaxing, catching up with his side of the family, eating some really good burgers (brownies for dessert), and watching “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”. We made our way home around 4 pm and off to our friends again to just hang out before calling it a day. Emery got to play with their daughter, and some new friends of our little girl (she’s 9 months). She was also able to see the miniature horses, and run around in the yard. We went home around 7 pm and she was OUT for the night. We all climbed into bed and I started on Glee Season One (I had started it before but never finished it).

It was such a nice weekend. And just like Friday, I have no pictures of the rest of the weekend because I was just enjoying myself. Enjoying my family. I was catching my breath and relaxing. I feel a lot better about things this week. I feel a bit rested, and fully capable of facing whatever is coming our way; good or bad. I can handle it and I will overcome it.

Speaking of overcoming things. This weekend my husband and I talked about the incident from last weekend and he’s still only remembering bits and pieces from the night. Some he says are completely blacked out. But he thinks there was someone else involved with the phone incident. Because he remembers giving someone (who shall remain nameless) money for what he thinks was the phone. And like I’ve said before I not once saw him going through anyone’s purse (where the “victim” claims she had left it). Not only that but when we were there that person came in for ten minutes and then left for about an hour. When she returned, we had only stayed about 30 minutes more before leaving. That was not enough time for my husband to dig through a purse, delete all the contacts/pictures/ media, and get rid of the SIM card (which needs a tool because it’s an iPhone). Especially not when on Xanex and drunk. Trust me! Then, we found out some new details about why exactly he was being “blamed”, along with a few other people telling us that they KNOW (or have the suspicion)  that it wasn’t my husband. So the pieces are just not clicking! My husband doesn’t really remember much, and despite me trying to get to the bottom of it, he feels we should just let it go. He says that no one will listen because they only hear what they want. He says it won't restore our good name. It won't undo what was done. And I won’t argue because that’s exactly how these people are. So, he says that whether he took it or not he’ll still face the consequences. I am standing by him. Proudly. And like I said before, we’ll be ok.

Things are good, we are good. We are moving on.  

Taking A Step Back

It has been pouring today. I love the rain. I love how dark it gets. I love the sound of it on the tin roof. God is definitely good. I know from my previous posts that, that last sentence was probably the last thing you expected to hear come out of me today. But, after letting all of those frustrations out, and after really thinking about things, I’ve decided to give myself a day. Today, I will eat whatever I want (in moderation), and I will give out explanations to the people I think we deserve to give one to. I will let myself be a bit angry and sad. I will allow my husband to sulk. I will go home to rest, relax, and love on my family. But after today, it’s on to the next thing. Moving on with life.

We are only human. We will make mistakes. We will have good times and bad ones. Unexpected things will happen. We will do wrong and we will be wronged. We will do good and we will be treated well. We will have such joyful moments and some hard mournful ones. People will love us and say wonderful things about us. Others will hate us and say awful things about us. But such is life. And no matter what we must live, learn, forgive, forget, and move onward. I am at peace with this.

I must not take things for granted. I must enjoy my family, my true friends, and the time we have together. And so long as we try to better ourselves, I refuse to worry about what others think about me and my family. I must leave things in God’s hands, and only worry about what he thinks of us. So after today, it’s back to positive thinking, back to eating healthy, and back to my old self. Because in all honesty, we (my family), are the only ones that really truly matter to me. If we’re healthy and happy, there is nothing more I should need.

And I’m definitely OK with that. 

p/s Thank you Rach for praying for me.

I really appreciate it, and was definitely in need of it.

Please don't stop either, I feel we are about to go through 

some pretty difficult/stressful times. 

p/s/s Please keep Ronan's family in your prayers as well.