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Consequences - Part Two

Written on 12/1/17

On November 17th, I stayed a little late after work like I always do. A whole group of us usually go up the road to have a beer, and talk about the week we had. While I was driving home I noticed that I had a missed call from my husband at about 5:30 pm which I hadn’t heard because my phone was on silent. By the time I picked up my daughter, and pulled into our drive way it was already 6 pm. So, I tried returning his call before we even set foot inside the house, but it went straight to voicemail. As I walked up the side of our house I realized his car was not where he usually parks it so I assumed the earlier call had been to let me know he was going out. I left it at that because I knew that he’d find a way to call me if he needed something, or if what he needed to tell me was urgent.

After getting our little to bed, and putting up the laundry I decided to open up a bottle of wine, and have a glass. It had been a gift from the company earlier that afternoon so I figured I’d pop in a movie, and have a taste. While pouring my glass I noticed that it was already after 8 pm, and I still had not heard back from my husband. I got this weird feeling in my stomach, and I remember whispering “Please just let him get home safely.” Of course, this scenario and this kind of worry is not uncommon for me. If y’all only knew. So, I began the normal routine of trying to find out where he was. I tried calling his phone again, but it was still off. So, I sent a quick message to a friend asking if they had heard from him recently, and they said that they hadn’t. And this is when my anxiety started to kick in. Overthinking, and worst-case scenarios began to play in my mind. I tried my best to push all of the irrational thoughts out of my head because that does no one any good. And just to answer the obvious unspoken question: Yes, even with everything going on I still worry about him. I always want to make sure that he’s okay. That he’s safe. And that he’s not in some ditch somewhere, or worse. So I kept watching the door, and turned the volume on the TV down low, half expecting to hear that damn stereo system thumping a block away. I was so ready to give him an earful about how much worry, and anxiety he had caused me. To say “Next time call me from your friend’s phone so I know you’re OKAY!” But none of that happened.

After the longest forty-five minutes of my life I received a call from the sheriff’s office informing me that my husband had been arrested. They allowed me to talk to him, and he told me to speak with the bail bondsmen in the morning. After the relief washed over me - he wasn’t dead - I became really angry. “What the hell happened? What did you get arrested for? Was anyone with you? Why the hell couldn’t you wait until I got home before heading off?!” There was a string of “I’m sorry. I don’t know. I don’t know. They won’t tell me anything. Just call the bondsmen tomorrow….” and then the line went silent. I was redirected to an officer who informed me that they couldn’t tell me much, but they did give me some numbers to call the following morning. And it has been a very uneasy, and uncertain time ever since. From finding out the charges, to finding out how much it would cost to get him out, and then finally talking with a lawyer about what to do. There are times when I’ve cried, and felt pretty damn helpless. I’ve felt guilt over not coming home right away that evening. I've been angry over what he did to get himself arrested. But the hardest part was having to tell our daughter that her dad wasn’t going to be home for a while. I almost broke down as she clung to me, and offered to give me her piggy bank money if it would help get her daddy out. Though I know that this is not my fault, and I know that this was bound to happen at some point due to the choices he was making. It still sucks. I still feel some responsibility, and I hate seeing him in there.

Now this is a small town. So small in fact, that someone runs an “In the Jail House Now” page which takes the previous days arrests, and then posts their mugshots all over Facebook. The Saturday after his arrest my phone was going off continuously. People were asking if I was okay? If our daughter was safe? Had she been taken away? Was I in trouble? They asked if I had seen the posts on all of the local groups. And when I finally got the nerve to look it up, at the reactions, I saw something that I didn’t like. Posted by a certain someone who had no business talking. And the anger just kicked in all over again. At him for doing something so stupid, and reckless. At her for even thinking that she had a right to laugh after all she had done. At myself for even giving a fuck about what was published online. And the truth is, that I don’t care what people think about me. Or what they say about me; about my relationship. I don’t care because they will never know the truth behind our closed doors. They don’t know the struggles, and demons my husband has fought over the years. Some that he’s won, and some that have sadly taken over. But what I do care about, fiercely, is our daughter. When it came time to explain to her what was going on I left a lot of details out. I only let her know that her father made a few mistakes that he was having to take responsibility for by staying in jail for a little while. But that doesn’t mean that she won’t hear other things from someone else. So yes, I care. I care about how she’ll get treated for this at school. About how little ears hear nasty things from adults, and then they get repeated on the playground to my daughter. It’s happened before on several occasions. I care about how much she misses her dad, and how she feels about this whole situation. And I think the fact that this is all even happening, that she has to experience this at all, is what both angers and saddens me the most.

For now, all I can do is try my best to stay positive and adjust to what’s going on around me. Because the truth is that my husband will miss Christmas, and more than likely our daughter’s birthday next year. The truth is that he is the only person responsible for what’s happening to him. And even though all of this really sucks it was probably the best thing for him in the long run. And even though my husband will become my ex-husband in a little over a month there are very few people who are in his corner at the moment. Even fewer who are able to help come up with the funds to hire a lawyer, and get him out in a few months. But I intended to be one of them. I intended to do what I can. To be there for him in whatever capacity that I can.

Wordless(ish) Wednesday

This picture is a little over a year old. My skin is worse now, and he's lost a good amount of weight. But this night was a good one. And I miss these days.

Consequences - Part One

Written on 11/10/17

How to start this off. Well, first let me just warn you that this will probably be a long post. I will ramble along in order to try, and find the words for what has been going on lately. Some might find the news a bit confusing, expected, untraditional, or just plain weird. However, I figured it was probably time that I share…

On October 23rd, after two months of talking with my husband & witnessing several things, I retained a lawyer. On the 27th a divorce petition was filed. I could tell you that this was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make, but that would be an understatement. In some ways, this was worse than the last time. Much worse. I cried at the lawyer’s office. I cried in the bathroom at work. I cried at the grocery store. I cried as I ran on the treadmill in the middle of my gym. And I’ve cried myself to sleep on countless nights since. For the most part I’ve felt this numbness. It’s mixed in with a broken heart, and feelings of defeat; dejectedness. I’m pretty sure this is causing my depression to get worse too. So, the past month has been hard; sad, lonely. Unfortunately, this is happening because it was the only option I had left. I had exhausted everything else. I had drawn, and redrawn lines. There was compromises, and forgiveness. And yet there was still a lot of other stuff simmering beneath the surface. So, in the end, I knew that this was the right thing to do.

At first my husband was angry. I’m assuming that this was because I had actually gone through with it. We'd talked about it a lot in the months prior to me retaining a lawyer. Though, I think we both thought it was just that... "talks". Never had I ever imagined being the one to pull the trigger on this decision. And yet, here we are. Once he accepted that we were moving in this direction there were apologies and voiced regrets. From both of us. And if my heart hadn’t already been broken it would have cracked—shattered at his words. However, it all comes down to choices. Consequences. Drug addiction has played a part in this. Infidelity has played a part in this. All of the recurrences I was warned about. All of the habits I was told would come back... did. But I chose to ignore them. Until I couldn’t anymore. My own stubbornness played a part in this. My own fear of failure played a part in this. My want of love from him was causing my own heartbreak. Because I wanted it so damn badly that I chose to look away from what was happening. Until I couldn’t anymore.

But if you want honesty, I’d say that I still love my husband. So damn much. He is the person I think of when I want to tell someone about my day. When I need to laugh, cry, or just be heard. When I want to be held in silence, he's the person I look for. When I have this urge to just lay down in bed as the sound of rain comes through the window I want him to be the person laying next to me. Or when our daughter does something funny I instantly want to share it with him. Our lives have been intertwined since I was 15. My first adventures away from home, life—the good & bad-- that I have led, and my daughter are all with him. Because of him. Knowing right now, in this very moment, that in a few months we are no longer going to be married is causing me to have knots in my stomach. I feel empty...hurt. And honestly, if it were just the two of us, I wouldn’t be sitting here telling you this news. God, if it were just the two of us, I would look the other way as long as he came home to me every night. Not sure what that says about me in the end. But I would have overlooked it all. I would grin, and bear it as long as he kept loving me. In whatever capacity he was capable of. But it’s not, and I can’t.

I wish things were different. I wish that I could erase the bad shit. I wish that we were strong enough to find a way around all of this. I wish we could go back to the days when love conquered all. When it was enough. But there comes a point in life, when in situations like mine, that you have to ask yourself if you’re okay. If you’re truly fine with what’s happening to your family? If the turbulent home life you’re offering is the best that you can do for your child? For yourself? For your spouse? Regardless of who’s causing the conflict. You have to ask yourself if the path you’re currently on is a healthy one? Are you really able to look at yourself in the mirror, and be okay with what you’re allowing? If the answers are “YES” then keep going. Keep fighting for it. And if you can look your child in the eyes in that very same moment, and tell them with complete honesty that this is the best you can do for them then by all means keep going. But if it’s not? If you’re breaking your own heart, over and over again, then stop. If you know deep down inside of yourself that continuing will only make things worse, then make the choice to do better. However messy, and hard it may be...do what's right for yourself. For your family.

So, for the sake of our daughter we’ve decided to go through this amicably. Reluctantly, but peacefully. We’ve also talked to her about all of this. We’ve had discussions about what divorce will mean for us. How it will affect us as a family. And so far, she’s okay. As soon as I knew that we’d be taking this step I spoke with her teacher, and requested that she start seeing the school counselor once every other week or if they noticed a change in her behavior. This has, surprisingly, been the easiest part out of this whole situation because I feel that neither of us really wanted this outcome. But it is what we need. There is still love here. So that’s where we are at right now. It’s a bit awkward. Not everyone knows how to react when we tell them. Hell, half the time I’m still really confused by it all. But all I can do is try my hardest to get through it. For myself. For my daughter. And for whatever is yet to come. 

📷:Rupi Kaur poetry, click on picture for credit

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Wordless Wednesday

Full Circle Moment

Have you ever had a moment that just seemed like one happy coincidence? Or maybe you did something with friends years ago, and then got together to do it all over again? A moment that just seems "fitting"? Well, I had one of those moments recently. You see, the first time I ever saw the band HIM perform was back in high-school. My mother, who deserves a shout out for being so cool, drove my brother and I over two hours away to go see them. I remember feeling so excited that when we arrived, I was adamant about finding a spot as close to the front of the stage as we could get. My mother on the other hand insisted on sitting next to one of the security guards towards the back because he had extra chairs. Now imagine being about 5’ 2” (on a good day), and trying to muscle your way to the front of a crowd. But this wasn’t your every day crowd either. This was a venue that was quickly filling up with people in normal clothes as well as those dressed in elaborate gothic fashions. And of course, with my luck, an older woman wearing a top hat decides she’s going to stand right in front of me. Not in front of my brother who was just there because I asked him to come. Not in front of the two guys standing on the other side of me who were clearly taller. But right in front of the short teenager who was already having a hard time seeing the stage.

As the show started I started jumping up, and down. Swaying from one side to the other in the opposite direction as the lady in front of me. I even switched spots with my brother, and then switched back because it put me farther away from the band and I was not about to have that. After bumping into this lady for what seemed like the hundredth time while trying to get some pictures I noticed that there was a kid standing next to me who was a lot taller than me, and had a clear view of the singer. So, I nudged him with my elbow, and asked if he could take a few pictures for me. He nodded in agreement so I handed him my camera, and he started clicking away. Throughout the show we exchanged some words, and he took some video for me. Then he asked if I wanted to stand in front of him since I was having a hard time seeing. Afterwards we exchanged some contact information, talked briefly out in the parking lot, and a few days later he was added to my messenger list. And we’ve kept in touch ever since. He was actually the first person to let me know that one of our favorite bands was calling it quits. When I decided to put in some overtime in order to buy my ticket I asked if he was planning on attending any of the shows. He said he would be coming to the Dallas show just like he had before. We discussed meeting up either before or after the show, but left it at that.

Of course, once the day came, it was just one set back after another for me. After I made it inside I sent a message letting him know that I’d catch up with them afterwards. I grabbed my beer, and started making my way off to the side. Then, a group of people shifted backwards so I took that opportunity to move forward. Unfortunately, just like at the first show, I again found myself stuck behind two tall people. As I looked around them I noticed that there was a girl standing in front, and directly to the side of her was a nice open spot. I tapped her on the shoulder and asked if I could stand in that area. She nodded, and leaned in saying “Sure, go ahead!” And you guys, it was such a sweet spot! I had a clear view of the whole band so I started taking a few pictures, and I remember thinking to myself that this night was already so spectacular when I heard my name being called out. At first I thought I had misheard what was being said, but as I looked over there was my friend standing one person over.

You guys! It was such a cool moment! From earlier conversations I thought they were at the very front. So, I was so not expecting to see them until afterwards. It was such a surreal, crazy, full circle moment! He said “C’mon, bring it in!” and gave me a hug. We talked for a few moments, and then he asked if I wanted him to take some pictures. So, I fully took advantage of the fact that he’s still a good 4-5 inches taller than me. When a couple of people, who were really drunk kept pushing into me he asked if I wanted to stand in front of them instead. And again, I wasn’t going to say no. Afterwards I was introduced to his girlfriend, and we were able to catch up for a bit before going our separate ways. They had a long drive home, and since they are all in the military they had to be up early for PT the next day. So overall, it was a pretty incredible night. I said goodbye to my favorite band alongside someone I met at that very first show. In the same city as before. And it was awesome! ✨

HIM: Bang & Whimper 2017 Farewell Tour

It’s been seven days since THE concert. Seven whole days, and it still feels like something I dreamed up. A bit surreal, and bittersweet. Not only was the trip up to the city peppered with setbacks, but after checking the venue website I was sure that I would arrive late. I assumed it would be right before the second band’s set, but little did I know that the venue website was wrong by an hour. So, I ended up arriving about 30 minutes before HIM took the stage. It was enough time to get inside, watch the last song CKY played, and grab a beer (or three). Since I’m on the shorter side, and I’m entirely too old to fight my way to the front of the stage these days, I wanted to find a spot that gave me a decent view of the band. Fortunately, I only spent about ten minutes trying to find a place to stand when the lights started to dim, and the show began.

Man, I wish I could put into words how I felt seeing the band walk onto that stage after all of these years. How my mind instantly recognized the first chords of “Buried Alive by Love”, and I was so happy that I couldn’t stop smiling during their entire set. I wish I could put into words how hearing that low deep hum made my insides feel all fluttery. Or how that raspy rumble through the microphone was felt all the way down to my toes. I wish you had been there to feel the drums pulsing through your body the way I did because there’s honestly nothing quite like that feeling. And I wish I could better explain the overwhelming emotions that bubbled up so unexpectedly as I heard Ville Valo belt out those first lyrics too. I’ll admit that I totally cried during that first song because this band had, and still does, mean so much to me. I wish I could tell you how it felt to stand there, and be completely grateful for these humans who got me through some rough years with their music. Wanting to thank them over, and over again. And I wish I could tell you, with more eloquent words, how it felt standing there in awe -- having to say goodbye.

They performed a good amount of the songs that I wanted to hear played live one last time. I’ve seen them two other times, during some of their first ever major US tours, when I was in high-school. While I waited I kept overhearing people talk about this being their first chance to see them live, and I realized just how lucky I had been before. And y’all, when they played they sounded amazing! They have always sounded incredible live in my opinion. It’s like hearing them on a CD, or even a streamed track. It’s perfection. This time was no different. I took a handful of pictures and was able to get some videos, but for the most part I just stood and enjoyed the moment. I enjoyed being in that venue, and experiencing all of the magic that they were bringing. I think my only regret this time is not being able to grab a tour tee since I had arrived so late. Other than that, it was such a phenomenal night. I’m still feeling it days later. And I’m still smiling.

Wordless Wednesday

Sutherland Springs, Texas

I normally don't talk about certain issues going on in the world today, my faith, or even address politics on this blog. It's not that I'm ashamed, or don't pay attention either. I just feel that we're all different, and we all have different views. Sometimes our stances maybe exactly the same, or just a bit similar. While other times they are the complete opposite. And that's okay! I'm good with all of the differences out there. Besides, what could I possibly say that you haven't heard already from someone else in regards to these subjects, huh? However, I felt like I needed to express something today that may touch a little on some of these things.  

As you all know by now, Sunday was a sad day here in Texas. Three hours away from my own little town, while some where at their normal Sunday service and others were enjoying the extra hour of sleep, a coward walked into a church with an assault rifle. Twenty-six people didn't make it home that afternoon. About half of those were children. Now, the survivors and those who have to deal with the aftermath personally, have a long road to recovery ahead of them. Long after the media attention dies down. And long after they lay their loved ones to rest. Sadly, this community will never be the same again. Having grown up in a tiny little town, much like Sutherland, my heart breaks for these people. For their community. 

Now, I've seen some of the media be respectful of those who lost loved ones, or survived this incident. I'm grateful for them, truly. But I've also seen media outlets as well as people in general mock the response some of us have in regards to such tragedies. "See! Prayer does nothing! GOD DIDN'T SAVE THESE PEOPLE!" or "Sacrificed to the Second Amendment" with the pictures of the victims alongside it. Comments of how "Texans were just asking for it" due to our states stance on guns. It's remarks like those that make me mad. Angry. And yet really sad. Sad that this just happened, only two days ago, and everyone wants to turn it into a damn gun control debate. They want to use the deaths as reasons to prove their side; their cause. And I get that these topics are "hot button". I get that there need to be conversations over these issues. And I get that they are important to each person, in different ways. BUT, y'all...babies died. Mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, and friends. They died, on what they believed would be a normal Sunday morning. While they prayed, and worshipped.

So maybe take a moment to think about that instead? To feel heartbroken for their loss. To go home, and hug your loved ones as tightly as possible. To be empathetic, and not make this about politics or healthcare for just a few moments. Unfortunately, there's nothing I can do about any of this. I can't make the smearing of the victims' beliefs stop, or force others to be respectful. We all have our choices. We're all different. Our reactions will all vary. So, instead I've said my prayers. Whether people think that's an inappropriate response, or not I honestly don't care. I've asked for understanding, comfort, and peace on the behalf of those families. And my heart goes out to that tiny little town.

We are with you.

Texas, forever. ❤

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To That One Dude

Last weekend when my family was down for a visit, a friend of my brothers came to spend the day with them. I’m sure he thought it was going to be a “him & them” situation, but it quickly turned into a “him & all of us” situation. Now, I only see this guy maybe once a year. And we basically get along by insulting each other until one party is leaving, and then it’s a wave goodbye followed by “See you around asshole.” -- His words. And that’s just how we roll. This time around was no different. And I'm actually pretty proud of how creative we are getting at our insult delivery. However, I’ll give credit where credit is due. And today, since I know he’ll never read this, I just wanted to say thanks.

It’s no secret that family life has not always been smooth sailing for us. This is why I’m happy to have so many strong, positive, people in my daughter’s life for the times that we fall short. It’s also no secret that sometimes our daughter is interested in things that we either hate, don’t always have time for, or have no knowledge of whatsoever. This is why I’m really grateful to have help. When Emery started showing interest in archery I was clueless. If I’m being honest, I still am. When she wanted to try her hand at it I was able to turn to my brother & sister-in-law for help in teaching her. When she wanted to learn, and play soccer my dad was able to spend some time teaching her what he knew. Now, he even plays against her when he gets off from work. When she wants to get all arts, and crafty my mom steps up to the plate with countless projects they can create. She also has a whole section of their house dedicated to that space for her. So, I’m pretty lucky, I know.

Now, what some people don’t know is that the past few weeks have been a little rough for us. And this past weekend we were finally able to take a step back, and just take a break. Enjoy family time. On Sunday however, once the sun started to go down, we were all a bit preoccupied with getting our family members ready for the road trip back home. And this friend, who had already been entertaining my daughter’s demands for thumb wars, and piggy back rides earlier that day at the flea market, stepped up without complaint. Now, it could be that he tolerated it all pretty well since he doesn't have to deal with it on a daily basis. Or maybe that's why my grandmother kept telling my daughter to quit pestering him? For fear that it would scare him away?  But, he went on every bicycle race that he was challenged to. He played catch wearing a kid sized glove, and chased after baseballs that went over the road or across the field. He played soccer, and “you can’t catch me”. Over, and over again. I mean, I won’t lie, there were instances where even I was thinking “Okay, now this is just getting annoying.” But he went along with it. And my daughter thought he was just the coolest kid ever.

So, thanks, jerk face. Thanks for hanging out, and playing games with my seven-year-old. Thanks for not complaining when she got really annoying, and almost choked you out as you let her climb onto your shoulders for the third time in a row. Thanks for teaching her how to throw a baseball, and hold her glove so she wouldn’t get hit in the face. Though if you had let that happen, your torture would have been over much sooner...just saying. Thanks for keeping her entertained so my dad, and brother could work on the truck. And, thanks for playing some weird version of soccer/kickball with her while I was getting my last little bit of snuggle time in with my nephew. But mostly, thanks for just giving her some of your time. I’m sure it wasn’t how you had hoped your day would go, and I’m sure there were other things you would have rather been doing. But to her, it meant a lot that you paid attention. So…thank you.

Now, in the slight chance that you ever come across this post: This…changes nothing, and even though I appreciate your kindness to her you’re still kind of a dick. And the next time you over estimate my age by ten years, make fun of the gray hair coming in, point out a new forehead wrinkle, or critique my “elbow game” while eating pizza I will throat punch you. Comprendes? Okay, good.  

Wordless Wednesday

30

The 19th was my husband’s birthday. No matter how old I get he’ll always be a year older. The 20th was our 9-year anniversary. I’ll always love you; don’t forget. The 21st was my 30th birthday. And just like that, I’m officially out of my twenties. I had originally planned to spend that Friday wallowing in self-pity with a bottle (or two) of wine, some romance movies, and a gallon of chocolate ice cream. However, that didn’t happen. Sure, the pity-party took place, but a few things came up that didn’t allow me to give it my full attention. So, my time alone turned into half of the day spent with my mother & grandmother, and the rest with my little one. That Saturday I did get a few hours to myself, but it was spent cleaning. Then I was able to go see “GEOSTORM” with my sister-in-law, and afterwards eat cheesecake to my heart’s content. Later that evening I heard from an old friend which was such a wonderful surprise, and then my best friend Kami called as well. I spent over two hours on the phone with her, and it wasn't up until after we hung up that I realized how much I miss her in my day-to-day life. I'm hoping we can go visit her next summer, or maybe in the spring. So, it wasn’t a bad way to ring in thirty.

What has been affecting me lately, though, is depression. Right about now my brother would tell me to quit being a cry baby. He’s partially right. The thing is that I’ve actually been feeling like this since the middle of September. It’s been this sadness, this struggle to get up on most days, and constant forced smiles. This isn’t new to me, but I feel like I’m getting hit pretty hard this time around. When I was a teenager I was diagnosed with depression, and after some treatment I learned how to manage it on my own. Then in 2015 it came back, and again I sought help/treatment before finally feeling strong enough to go without. And here we are…yet again. Only this time I don’t have the money to start counselling, or see the doctor. So, for now I’m just doing my best to keep myself from getting too down. I’m trying to do things that I like, and stay busy. This week is Halloween, which we love, and I have a concert to go to on Friday as well. Things are okay, and I’m trying to remind myself of that when I start to overthink things.

Overall, we’re good. I’m good. I have no real complaints. This past weekend my brother, and sister-in-law came down. We spent a lot of time hanging out, exchanging stories, debating topics, and I was able to get my baby fix. We had good food, stayed up late, and it was actually cold for awhile so it started to feel like fall/winter around here. Though only for about 24 hours. Emery was able to spend some much-needed outdoor time with her uncle. She’d been so excited for his arrival, and even woke up at 7 am on Sunday to go mountain biking for her first time with him. She came back with blisters, and a dirt covered face that wore a smile about a mile wide. So, it was good. Life is good. 

Here’s to thirty.

Wordless Wednesday

Post Op Update

Well, I survived! And all I can really say is that surgery is no joke. The feeling you have when waking up, and the pain you feel afterwards (no matter how “minimally invasive” the procedure is) are not fun. Also, when they say you don’t remember anything, they lie. I remember it all. And I’ve come to the decision that surgery is not something I’d ever voluntarily put myself through. So, there goes that future boob job I had been hoping for. Anyway, the gallbladder is finally out. Now I’m just trying to being cautious of the side effects. Learning what I can, and can’t eat or drink. It’s been a process, but I’ll get the hang of it.

There was a little issue with my gallbladder being so inflamed that it was twice the size it should have been. This meant more incisions had to be made than originally planned. And instead of being back at work within four days like I had hoped, it turned into having to use a whole week of my vacation time. I wasn’t really thrilled about that, but I had a lot of pain. Surprisingly there was a lot of nausea & vomiting too. And my breathing was a little off for a while. A few tweaks of my medications, and a lot of walking around helped speed up the recovery process though.

I’ve actually been feeling about 80% better. Though I got ahead of myself today when I put on jeans for work. While standing they felt fine, but sitting is a whole other ballgame. The button presses right against the biggest incision site, and wholly moly is it painful! See what overconfidence gets you? By the time I got in my car this morning, and realized the huge mistake I had made it was too late. So, I suffered through. Tomorrow it’s definitely back to yoga pants. Now, with the exception of a few little hiccups here, and there I’m hoping it won’t be too much longer before I start feeling normal again. Some other great news is that I was finally cleared to resume gym sessions! Oh, how I have missed it. And I keep being told that by the end of November I should be feeling the best I’ve ever felt in a long while. So, fingers crossed! Here's to having to build everything back up again! 

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A Few Monday Rambles

All last week I had this pain in my neck, and upper back. A coworker of mine tried to help by using her elbow to rub the knots out. There were a lot. It felt better for a little while, but then I had to use some medication to relax the muscles a bit when it came time to sleep otherwise I would not have gotten any. Sadly, the pain is still there. Not as intense, but just enough to be annoying. I swear, stress and anxiety will be the death of me. Not a very "think happy" start to this post, but whatever.

Today, I’m trying to work out some type of “blogging schedule”- and I use those terms loosely-  that I’d like to have going forward. I’m even jotting shit down in my planner. That's right, totally official. Now, I normally feel like I want to say everything as it comes to mind. Unfortunately for you guys, I’m pretty indecisive, I overshare, and my life is a mess 80% of the time. I usually just shoot from the hip when it comes to writing, but I'm wondering if that may not be the greatest approach? I’ve started to consider doing things “English Writing Class” style. Especially if I want to deliver something better structured, and on point. The dilemma with this is that sometimes I really just don’t want to do that. Call me lazy. Call me unmotivated. But what I write is for the sake of letting it all out. Whatever “it” is at the time. Kind of like what I’m doing right now. So, you see my problem? Anyway, fingers crossed I’ll be able to start posting consistently around the middle of October. 

Now, before I go all MIA again I’m just putting it out there that I have my surgery this week. I’m a little scared because I’ve always had this fear of being put under. I don’t care how “common” or “minimally invasive” the procedure is, they freak me out! Annnd I’m also a little bit of a control freak so I’m definitely uncomfortable when things are out of my hands. I thought if I talked to some other people who’ve had this done I might be better prepared. Yea...that backfired. I’ve spoken to a few people who’ve had their gallbladders removed, and I’ve been given a lot more horrible experiences than good ones. Some are like: “Oh, I was running errands the next day. Pfft! You’ll be fine.” While others are more like : “The pain was so bad it hurt to lay down, or even walk around for a few days. I ended up having to take a week off just to recover. But it’s okay, I’m sure yours won’t be as bad. ” 😒 And in case you guys didn’t read my last post, I can’t afford to take a full week off right now. I’m hoping three days, tops, before I head back. But, however this ends up going down, all I have to say is that they better give me the good shit because I don’t want to remember a damn thing.

Other than that, all I have to say today is that it’s about to be OCTOBER! Our favorite month of the year will begin in six days! The weather is supposed to be getting cooler too! Though with Texas you just never really know. I’ve been trying to catch up on my reading this weekend too. I kind of hit a slump, but then I picked up “November 9” by Colleen Hoover. Y’all, if you’ve never read one of her books do yourself a favor, and check her out. Once I was done with this book, which may or may not have had a writer in it, I started thinking about joining a writing prompt group. Or challenge of some kind. Those still exists, right? I just feel like I should try something different. Seems a little late in the game, but oh well. I hope everyone is doing great! I’ll be spending the next few days cleaning, and getting things prepared for when I’m out of commission. Not sure if I’ll post again this week or not, but in case I don’t:

Have a wonderful end of September! 

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Gettin' You Up to Speed

I know it’s been awhile. And I know that usually after a long absence I spew the same crap about wanting to post more, and getting back to blogging regularly with every intention of following through. However, life happens and setbacks do occur. Recently we’ve had to make some living adjustments, we’ve had to get back into the “school year routine”, and I got sick. Then as all of you probably already know we had a hurricane hit the coast of Texas. Now, while we were not directly affected by it we had friends/relatives that were. My boss man took a week off to go help in the rescue efforts which left us short handed & pretty busy at work. So, the end of August and beginning of September were busy. Full disclosure: Some of what's written below is just me bitching. In my defense this is my only outlet. The nagging part is in "paragraph" four. If you know me in real life then some of this is old news. Anywho, lets get started.

Moving quickly along, the little is doing great in school! She likes her teacher, and knew some of her classmates from previous years. We had a tricky start that first week-- her trying to not cry & me trying to find the quickest routine for drop off/pick up. You'd think it would be pretty easy, but some of the routes take longer than others. Thankfully, all of that has been taken care of, and with only a single misunderstanding in regards to A/R testing (which she and I were both confused on) things have gone rather smoothly.

On August 20th, I was taken to the ER by my mom after a very long and painful weekend. I had already paid a visit to our local Urgent Care, and was misdiagnosed as having severe acid reflux (which I already knew I had) earlier that morning. The medicine I was given ended up not helping at all; the pain became worse. I felt like I was bloated even though I barely looked it, and it became harder to eat or drink anything. Then my stomach became distended, and I can only describe the pain as being in the early stages of labor. So, hours later I was informed that my esophagus was inflamed causing me to have the eating & digesting issues. And I also had gallstones which were giving me gallbladder attacks/spasms. Neither of the issues were allowing the other to properly heal. After some wonderful pain medication I was sent on my way. Then after a follow up doctor consultation it was decided that yours truly will be having her gallbladder removed in the very near future.

Now, due to these unforeseen circumstances, the gymnastics classes for the little had to be pushed back, and my college plans have also been sidelined. My already extremely tight budget has had to be revised, and we are now in “penny pinching” territory. Unless we see a drastic income increase by the end of October, I will have to let go of a car. Quickly followed by our cell phones being turned off, and letting the internet be disconnected. These are the main “extras” that I’ve struggled to keep up with, or current. Luckily, they’ve allowed me to pay what I can when I can, but that will only be allowed for so long. So, I’ll have to start making some choices on what stays & what goes. Right now we’re hoping that some recent opportunities will bring us some extra income, but honestly nothing is set in stone yet.

And that about gets you all up to speed. So, as y'all can see there have been some slight roadblocks. I'm hoping that with it being so close to the end of the year a lot of this will work itself out by December. This lady could definitely use a break. And maybe a little pampering. Plus, I really really miss the gym. Since I have a gallbladder spasm about once a week I was directed by the doctor to limit excising to short run/walks, and light weights. I'm not a huge fan of the restrictions. But I disobeyed those orders once, and never again. So here's hoping that things smoother over soon. Wish me luck!

Wordless Wednesday

A Reminder; Compliments of Rupi Kaur

Changes ahead. The good, the bad. The hard, and easy. The simple, and complicated. Through it all I constantly remind myself that I am a strong woman. That no matter what happens in my life no one can take that away from me. I'm going to get through this, and anything else thrown at me, one day at a time. Talk to y'all soon. ✌

Better Luck Next Time

Recently I was called in for a job interview. Now even though I wasn't actively searching for another job this one I was being asked about seemed like a change in pace, in a completely different field, and I went ahead with accepting the interview. I figured it couldn't hurt to see what was being offered, right? If I were to be offered the job I still had to see whether it was something better than what I currently had. Whether it was even a good fit for me. Worst case I'd wasted thirty minutes of my time. Best case I'd be making a career change.

So, a few weeks ago I met with the owners one night after work. We spoke about the job, the hours, and the pay. We spoke about family, and how long we had all been in the area. It seemed less like an interview, and more like I was just having a random conversation with two people I had just met. I was told that the person who would be given the job would technically be the only employee. The position was new, and so I asked about vacation/sick time to which they said they had never had to offer it before which was a bit if a concern for me as I have a little one. Overall, I felt that it went well, and both owners said they liked me. Still they had to interview two other candidates. I thanked them for their time, and left it at that.

Now, I've been at my current place of employment for almost seven years. It's steady, and it's routine. I enjoy the people I work with, and wasn't sure if I was ready to say goodbye. So, after I had gone to that interview I thought about asking my current employer about the possibility of a raise. I hadn't received one in over two years, and I know the market right now was down so I hadn't pushed the issue. Well, when I asked my supervisor about it I was told that I had capped out pay wise. Well, more like I questioned whether that was the case, and it was confirmed that I was correct. Even after he tried to convince the owner that I should get one it was denied on the grounds that I wasn't taking on any new responsibilities so there was no need to give me one. Just FYI that statement was crap, and showed how little the current owner knows about what I do. Anyway, I was informed that there would be no more raises for me, and I had climbed as far as I was allowed to within the company. For someone who has a single income run family, this was not something I wanted to hear.

A day later, I received a call. "We'd like to offer you the position. This is the starting pay. Think it over. We understand you need to go over this with your family, and just let us know by the end of the day what you decide." I was excited. I was nervous. The pay was a little less than what I currently make, but after six months I would be making more. I thought it over, spoke with my family, but still my main concern was no sick time. So, at the end of the day I called them back, "I would love to take you up on this job offer. And I know I'd be your only employee, but I was wondering if I made it a year with your company if we could revisit the topic of sick time? If not, that's fine. I will figure something out, but I'm definitely still wanting to take the job if you'll have me."

They asked when I could start, that they'd go over the sick time topic with someone who does their HR stuff, and then get back to me. Well, forty-eight hours later the job offer was retracted. "I know we told you to think over the offer before you gave us an answer, but when you didn't immediately say yes and then asked about sick time we reconsidered whether you'd be a good fit. The job was given to someone else, and they will be starting in two days. If it doesn't work out with that person then we'll reconsider giving you a call back." Y'all I would be lying if I said I wasn't bummed out. Especially at first. The income in the long run would have been better, and would have eased the strain a bit. After I got off the phone with them I felt like I had ruined a potentially great job offer by not just saying yes. I felt like it was unfair that I was even in the situation where sick time was even something I had to worry about when it came to accepting a job offer. But it is because I can't afford to make under a certain amount each week. That's my reality.

The truth is I don't have that second income to help lessen the weight of my financial burdens. If I miss a day, or my daughter gets sick and I have to stay home I lose out on bringing in a full paycheck. If that happens then I have to decided on whether a bill goes without being paid, or if I scale back my already low grocery budget. At least where I'm at right now I have paid time off I can use. So, I was just trying to be honest with them. And so even though I was bummed about having that opportunity taken away I felt like maybe it just wasn't the right decision for me at that time. So...better luck next time I guess. I'm optimistic that there will be another door opened for me when the time is right. Or maybe this company will contact me again in the future? Who knows? Everything happens for a reason though, and I just need to trust in that plan.

Wordless Wednesday

A Small Dream

Recently, I've been really thinking about what I want to do with my life. Not just in my marriage, or in terms of school either. Though school is still back on the table. But also in what I truly enjoy out of life. Consistently. Because a degree can only take you so far. You see, I've always said that I wanted to get a degree in Business Admin., or Marketing so that I wouldn't be limited to a specific kind of work. That was the end game, a stepping stone to grow, and maybe move out of this town. See the world. The problem is that it's always felt like a "means to an end". It's like I'm choosing that particular field of study only to get better, and not because it's something I'm truly interested in. When talking about how I felt stumped or stuck the one phrase I kept hearing was "do what you love". Once that happens you start to give more. Start to enjoy more. Feel confident in what you're doing, and like you have a purpose. Doing what you love to do makes it less about working for a paycheck, and more about feeling productive and content. 

Now, I always see women, and men who join companies like "It Works!", "Advocare", or "Origami Owl" (just to name a few) which are basically pyramid companies that they use to supplement their income. I'm not knocking these either so if you're a part of these don't get your feathers all ruffled. Honestly, if you can make a living doing this, and you enjoy it then more power to you honey! I actually have several friends that have joined, and I've even been asked to join up under them with the promise of earning extra money which is always tempting. The thing is that you have to sell a product, and you have to incorporate these items into basically everything (especially social media). It also usually requires a lot of enthusiasm on your part to be pushing those products ALL of the time. And I just couldn't see myself doing that. So that's why I always decline the offers to become a rep, or join a certain "family"/ brand. It's just not for me. 

​However, that idea of finding what I enjoy to do stuck with me. Or more like it became this nagging little thought that I just couldn't shake. ​The idea of finding a passion, and pursuing it was actually really appealing. So a few weeks ago, before all of my personal drama started to surface and wreak havoc, I started to really look at my life. I asked myself some questions​ about what I wanted to do. What were some goals that I had? Did I want to continue with my​ current job?​ Did I enjoy what I was doing?​ Should I scale back on my hours to create a better work/life balance? ​Would​ I ​rather work from home instead? ​Would I rather be doing something else entirely? If I had the money, or the financial backing what would I enjoy creating? ​Did I want to stay in my little town​, or look elsewhere? What could I do to make a difference? How could I help others, and could I find a job that would allow me to do so? What in my life didn't seem like so much work, and ​what was the cause of most of the ​stress? What did I enjoy doing? What was a constant for me?​ And surprisingly (or not if you really think about it) some of the answers to those questions revolved around books.

I love books. I like to read them, read about them, discover new authors, and have discussions. I'm always recommending books to others, or even looking for recommendations myself. So, I came to the conclusion that I would really love to own/run my own bookstore. We live in a small town, and the only major bookstore we had was shut down about a year ago due to a a failed buyout/bankruptcy. We now have a total of two stores that sell books, and the selections as well as hours of operation are all over the place. The majority of the books are old, used, and the selection available is very limited. I would like to bring more into our community that would allow people of all ages to find something interesting. Add a wider selection, and offer something different atmosphere wise. I'd also love to use some of the proceeds each month to donate to a charity or church. When I talked to a few people about this idea I was mainly asked what the point of a bookstore would be in this day, and whether I even saw it being successful long term. ​​I'm aware that we are in a digital age, and e-readers are really popular. However there's always a market for people who want physical copies of books, and even more so if they're affordable. I believe that kids and adults alike would enjoy a place to sit down, and open up a book. I miss having that space, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. So, that's my dream. To have my own shop. To be my own boss. To raise my daughter around books that can open up worlds to her. Whether I'll be able to do it or not, I have no idea. Right now it's just an idea. A dream. Hopefully it leads to some big things though. 

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Currently: July

Hello, hello! As I'm writing this I've already done about four loads of laundry. Disinfected our house, AND treated the little for lice. Yup. You read that correctly. I had hoped that we'd be spared from having to deal with lice since I took some preventative steps & it being summer there's limited contact with other kids. I normally spray Emery's hair twice a week with tea tree oil, and I keep her hair up for the most part when around other children. But I guess we were just shit out of luck though because she still got them. Thankfully, it wasn't as bad as what I originally thought it would be. So, now I'm writing this in between loads of laundry, and hair treatments. My own included because chances are that I've got them as well. Anywho, I'll go more into this later. I might even review one of the products we're using, which is considered safe & nontoxic, for you guys. With school right around the corner it might be something some of you parents might be interested in learning more about? For now, let's just jump right into the currently post for July.

Playing: I've been in a bit of a music slump. So I rarely listen to much, and if I do it's usually a random playlist that's generated by Spotify. However, Lorde's new album is amazing and one of my favorite go to's these days. I know it's been out for a little while now, but it's one of those albums that took me a bit to really get into. NOT because it was bad, because it's not. Melodrama is actually really amazing, and to me so much more different than her last album. I felt like I needed to be somewhere quite to really appreciate, and enjoy the masterpiece I was listening to. I'm a mom though so that shit rarely happens. But when it did...oh my... it was amazing. If you haven't checked it out yet, do it! It has a track in it for everyone, and the transition from one song to the next is just so fluid & perfect. I love getting to listen to an album that seems to be this long continuous story. Before I know it the album is over, and I'm left feeling like I should play it all over again. This album definitely does that for me. So enjoy. And you're welcome.

Reading: I have a few books on my list for this month. I have some catching up to do. Right now I'm currently pushing through "Evelyn, After" by Victoria Helen Stone. Yes, this is a book I had started a few months ago. I made it about 20% in when I realized that the subject matter was just entirely too much for me. It hit a few spots that still felt like wounds, and brought a lot of shit back up. So, I put it down. And honestly, I hadn't picked up a book since. But recently, I decided to give it another shot. It's been a slow start, but I can now read the pages without wanting to cry. Progress folks! I've also started re-reading PUNK 57 by Penelope Douglas. I enjoy many of her books, and when this one was released on my birthday last year I bought it without hesitation. I read it in one sitting, enjoyed the characters, but I never got around to reviewing it. So, I'm giving it another go so that I can actually post a review on it for you guys. Since I enjoyed it the first time I have no doubt that I'll enjoy it the second time around too. Wish me luck! 

Blog Post: Since, I love books it's no surprise that I enjoy book blogs too. When I'm going through a bit of a rut I normally turn to these blogs for a bit of inspiration. That little bit of extra something I need to pick something new, and jump right in. The other day I was browsing through recommended blogs when I came across "Steph The Bookworm". Now, not only does she talk about books but she also blogs about her life! One of her posts that I enjoyed the most recently is "I Hate Swimming (but I'm Diving In)". I could totally relate to how she felt! Last weekend alone I squeezed my jiggly self into a bathing suit because my daughter, and her friends wanted to go to the pool. Did I want to go at first? No. Was I comfortable when I got there? Not really. But I chose to say "Fuck it" and take the plunge. Before too long I didn't even care if my cellulite was in full display, or if my thighs were clapping because I honestly didn't give a shit. We had a blast! We jumped in, we swam, and we went down the water slide. But I totally get it that fear. Insecurities are a bitch. For some of us parents the only way we ever look passed any of it is because of our children. And Steph gets that! So, if you get a chance, go check out her blog. Say hello, and read some of her reviews! You won't be disappointed. 

Watching: Ohhh, you guys. I am shook. SHOOK I tell ya. I think I'm using that term correctly. Maybe? Eh. Who cares? A few weekends ago I was feeling really crummy. I had a headache, and I could not for the life of me fall asleep. So, I decided to look through my watchlist on Netflix, and browse some of my older selections. Read: movies that are rated mature so I can't watch them if my daughter is awake. That's when I came across "Blue is the Warmest Color". Now, I love me a good foreign film, y'all. But before you go clicking the play button, and in the spirit of full disclosure this is a French film with English subtitles about a lesbian couple. They do have some pretty intense, and technically graphic sex scenes in this film too. However, if none of those things bother you I highly recommend this film. It made me laugh, cry, and it gave me all of the feels. Now, there was a lot of controversy surrounding this film due to how it was made, the subject matter, and the director. It was adapted from a graphic novel, and the author has gone on record to say that this film was missing lesbians on set. It's also a rather long movie, clocking in at almost three hours, with no score. But it is so worth the watch. I might even dedicate a whole post to this film to give you guys some more information, and to just gush about how much I love it. Anywho, just go watch it. Or if you've already seen it tell me if you loved or hated it, and why. Let's discuss! Social media links are all above so hit me up. 

Phone App: Have any of you heard of Snapfish? Yes? No? Maybe? Well, if you haven't they are a photo printing website. They do everything from pictures, cards, mouse pads, phone cases, mugs, and a lot of other cool stuff. They're also really affordable, and you know me: I love things that can fit into my budget! Now, what some of you may not know is that they have a phone app you can use to import photos from Instagram, your camera roll, and Facebook. Once you download their app, and sign into your account you get 100 free 4x6 prints each month for an entire year! How cool is that?! You do still pay for shipping, but that's hardly ever more than five bucks for me. Now, if you use those 100 prints up you can still take advantage of the sales/discounts they offer, and pick up in-store locally (CVS, Walgreens, or Wal-Mart). It's fast, easy, and the and the delivery time isn't horrible. Since my nephew has finally arrived, and I've gotten a lot of pictures of him, this months free prints will be going towards that! I've been using them for over seven years now, and they do a really great job! So definitely check this app out if you're into having keepsakes, or just want an affordable way to get your photographs developed.

And that concludes the currently for this month. If you have any other suggestions be sure to drop me a line either on here, or other social media outlets. Links are all at the top. I'm always on the look out for new artists, films, or books so I'm totally open to recommendations. Until the next post, Happy Friday folks!!

Wordless Wednesday

A Few Things I Want To Address

Okay, so this month is going to be all kinds of mixed up. I normally have the "scheduled" posts for the month ready a few weeks in advance, and the book reviews are normally already written up within the same time frame. Here we are already into the second full week of the month and as of right now the "currently" post hasn't even met it's first outline. And I haven't even finished the book for July either. So, I'll leave both of those to be published towards the end of the month. Fingers crossed that I can get them done by then. I also have one more product review that I'd like to get posted, but I'm not forcing that one. If I have to wait until August, I will. I'm completely out of my comfort zone guys, and I feel like this month is just a lot more chaotic than I had hoped. I've tried to establish a schedule, and I have this weird thing about consistent patterns that I liked to stick to when posting. All of that went out the window for July though! Yup, I dropped the ball. That'll teach you to trust me when I say "I'm hoping to be more consistent, and bring more content" doesn't it? 

Last week when I wrote this particular post I was babysitting a Dos XX bottle as I typed it up. I was feeling this sense of "I don't give a fuck, bring it" to whatever had been bothering me that day. I was tired, agitated, and my anxiety was kicking my ass. So, I had myself a beer. And it helped with turning my thoughts of anger into this hazy ball of mush that I could address on another day. So, here we go. Another day. I finally decided that I wanted to go back to school, sooner rather than later. Since Tarleton screwed me over I can't resume classes there until what I "owe them" is repaid. I was able to get my government loans deferred until the end of the year so I'm saving money right now to be put towards that large ass sum. In the meantime I'm going to try and attend the previous college I received my Associates from. I want to take a few catch up classes, and take as many courses as I'm allowed before having to transfer over to the university again. I plan on stopping by their office, and speaking to an adviser before the end of July to get that in order. 

Next up, marriage. Mine is a huge mess about 30% of the time these days. And I won't lie to any of you: the majority of it has to do with addiction, mental health issues, & a big ass dose of denial. We've been down this road before y'all, and I was told that it would be something we'd have to battle or deal with for the rest of our lives. Some years will be better than others, but I have to either be in it for the long haul or remove myself in order to not make things worse. Now, I know some people don't believe these are valid excuses, and they think that we should all just "man up". But just know that I'm doing my best to figure out what we need to do as a family right now. It's not easy to go through this, and to have these issues within a relationship. Even worse when it's a relationship that's created a family. I know there's a lot of bad that's happened, and people have definitely questioned my sanity. Some of the stuff that was said, that I was put through, or that I found out about are still very much on my mind. But like I've stated before I feel like I'm doing my best to be supportive, and helpful. My family always comes first, and that includes my marriage. Regardless of the state that it's in. However, in order to not bring on so much confusion and to focus more on our families recovery, I'm going to limit how much/how often I post in regards to my marriage. I don't want to sound like a broken record, and I just feel like this is something we need to take on privately from here on out. Of course I'll update from time to time, but it won't be in the same way I had before. 

And finally, I've been doing some soul searching in regards to what/who I want to be when I grow up. I've started to write down some goals, and really stepped back to see what's been causing me a lot of anxiety/stress at work. I've noticed that there's some unhappiness in other areas of my life that left me feeling very unfulfilled, and drained by the end of my workday. I've known for awhile that I wanted to graduate with a specific degree and I'm still aiming for it, but what then? What happens when/if I achieve that goal? Do I want to stay where I'm at or do I want to explore other options? Are there even any other options for me? I know people talk about the things that they want to do, and what makes them happy in their careers but I've never really truly taken a closer look into mine. I live paycheck to paycheck, and it's never been about anything else for me. I do my time at an 8-5 job because I must. So, what happens if I were to be offered something else? What would I do if I were able to have enough stability to decided what I wanted to do in the future? Would it be the same, or would things change? I'll tell you guys all about it in my next post so stay tuned. 

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Wordless Wednesday

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A Tiny Little Update

The little has been busy with camps. I'm actually really grateful that she's had a lot of time to stay entertained. I've been having to pull extra hours at work, and there have been some little hiccups along the way that have made things a bit harder. Still, I've been able to make sure that Em gets to participate in the things that she wants, and most importantly has fun. We were supposed to go visit my brother this weekend, but plans changed. Now we'll be visiting next weekend instead. Which means I have a four day weekend with my little bug and I plan to enjoy it.

Next Monday I hope to have a bit more information for you guys. I've done a lot of soul searching. I've had a lot of advice given to me. And I'm looking into restarting my counselling sessions. I feel like I need to be brave, and start to really look into what I need as a person. I need to stop having so much conflict inside of me, and finally have some definite decision as to my future. I'm currently looking into going back to a community college that I love this fall in order to catch up on my classes before starting back up at the local university. My parents have offered to help me out a bit with whatever I need (gas money, babysitting, etc) in order to be able to afford paying off what I owe. Once that's done I hope to be able to pay off the fee I was charged, and finally re-enroll to get my bachelors degree by the end of next year. It's still just a plan, but I'll be speaking to someone within the next few weeks to see what's possible. 

That's all I have for now. I'm about to continue my "Criminal Minds" marathon before my little one gets back from a play date with some of her friends, and her grandparents. I know I seem sporadic. I know that I also seem like a broken record. BUT, life happens. Guilt happens. A whole other bunch of crap can happen before we finally see the light. Before we can fully feel like we're ready to be strong; whatever may come. So, I hope you guys can stick with me. I hope that I can bring some new content in as well. And I'm hoping to start writing a bit more, whether it's here or elsewhere. It's something I feel passionate about, and it a way for me to process. So, until the next post. 😊

Wordless Wednesday

#LOLA - An Honest Product "Review"

I'm not exactly sure if you could call this a review, and this is my first attempt at something like this. I think. So please just bare with me. Okay, so I'm going to be talking about a product that we use when on our periods. You've been warned. This means if you don't want to hear about stuff pertaining to menstruation then I suggest you skip this post. For the rest of us, lets get to it. About two months ago, I got this email saying "Thank you for your subscription! You'll be getting your first LOLA box in the mail soon." And the censored version of my initial reaction goes something like this: "Ummm...What's LOLA? I didn't sign up for this...what the hell...??" Then as soon as I closed out of my inbox to check my bank account, because I was sure that someone had stolen my card number AGAIN, I got a text from my mom that went something like this: "Hey mija! I signed you up for a LOLA subscription. Don't worry, I paid for it. It's organic so it's supposed to be better for your health, and your vagina." Just a little background info for you guys: I gave up on boundaries with my mother a long time ago because she's Hispanic and does what she wants. So, ladies and gents, you can thank my mom for this post.

First, let me give you a little information: LOLA is a brand that offers a monthly subscription of 100% organic tampons (with and without applicators), pads, and liners. This means no dyes, no chemicals, and no toxins. If you want even more technical info than that you should check out their ABOUT page which breaks it down further. They also have a "First Period Kit" for younger girls that explains what their bodies are going through as well as an assortment of products for them to use, and how to use them. I felt like this was actually really cool, and seeing as how I'm raising a girl I could see how this product could be used as a tool for when the time came. Now, when I opened the box I immediately thought that the packaging was very simple, and clean which I really liked. What I also thought was interesting about this brand is that they allow you to mix and match. You basically have the ability to customize what comes in your box. For instance, if you get tampons and you know your flow is on the lighter side you can get a mix of lights, and regulars. If you're like me, laughing at the thought of light tampons because you've given birth before so those will just disappear up in there, then you can mix it up with the regular, super, and super plus options. You also get to choose the quantity for each of them. To me, that's pretty awesome. I mean, when I buy a box of tampons at the store I'm basically paying for tampons that I'll never use because they have a set quantity in each box. I think that's a waste of my money since they normally end up in the trash. I'm cheap, don't judge. Now, this service is a bit on the pricier side. If you get tampons only then you have the option of getting one box for $10, two boxes for $18, or three boxes for $30. If you want to add pads (also customized), that's another $9 a month. And so on, and so forth. You get the gist. For those two products you're looking at a $27 monthly charge. And you're only allowed 3 boxes a month. Sometimes they have promotions, or deals so you can always look into that as a way to save some cash. I know when my mom signed up they were having a deal that gave you an extra box for free on your first order, as well as a discount, and then they always have free shipping. Does that justify the cost in the end? Ehhhhh...maybe? That's really up to you, and your budget though.

Now, on to what I didn't like about them. This is where it gets a little TMI, but what can I say, I like to share. Ever since Jr. High I've been a heavy bleeder. One time I had to take a picture in order to show my gyno what exactly I was dealing with, and the look on her face said it all. If you've ever seen the movie "No Strings Attached" with Natalie Portman there's a scene in this movie when she's on her period, and a costar says, "It's like a crime scene in my pants." That's basically me x10. Only for the second and third day though. I've searched for some answers, and I've been told that regular brands put too many chemicals into our feminine products which can cause us to have heavier, and longer periods. Obviously there are other factors, but apparently shoving a bundle of cotton soaked in chemicals up your vagina doesn't help. So I've tried different brands, different diets/foods, and I even attempted wearing the cups to see if my flow would lighten over time. I've had zero luck. Which means that at night I have to have those extra long pads that feel like diapers. And I run through 4-5 super plus tampons a day, for those two heavy days. So, when these were offered to me I figured "What the hell?" My mom had already paid for them so I might as well give them a shot. Well, it's been two months now of trying these babies out, and I'll just flat out say that the super and super plus tampons sucked. They didn't hold a damn thing for me, and I actually had a leak through my underwear onto the back of one of my skirts that was bad enough to send me home. Now, I've always felt that with any brand out there I could at least rely on their "super plus" size to have my back. But these lasted about an hour before having to be changed. And they felt super uncomfortable coming out. Now the regulars held up like champs. They were comfortable, and lasted about 4 - 6 hours before having to be changed. The pads were pretty good too. I never felt wet, there was never an odor, and I had no leaks. They get an A+ from me on those because I'll definitely use whats left of them, and what I get in my last box next month. Unfortunately, their pros didn't outweigh the cons for me.

So, my overall feeling towards this products is "Eh." I just don't feel like these are a good fit for me. I'd give them an overall B rating because I like the idea that they have, what they're trying to do, and they're fairly new so I think there's room for improvement on their product line down the road. However, I'm not a big fan of the price tag, and in all honesty when my subscription is over with I won't be continuing it. Not only is it not in my budget, but as explained above I didn't get much out of them. I normally use the Tampax brand and I can get a box of tampons, two packages of pads, and a pack of liners for about $18. And these will last me about two months. Now if money isn't a problem, your flow is more along a normal/medium side, and you're wanting to try something that's organic then definitely give these guys a shot. Or if you're daughter is getting close to starting her first cycle the "First Period Kit" might be a great way to start her off with information, and products that aren't considered harmful. It could possibly be a great option for you and your family. Just keep in mind that every female is different, and so is every period. What doesn't work for me may totally work out for you. So that about wraps things up for me today. If you have any other questions, or want to get into specifics feel free to comment below or send me an email.