Consequences - Part Two

Written on 12/1/17

On November 17th, I stayed a little late after work like I always do. A whole group of us usually go up the road to have a beer, and talk about the week we had. While I was driving home I noticed that I had a missed call from my husband at about 5:30 pm which I hadn’t heard because my phone was on silent. By the time I picked up my daughter, and pulled into our drive way it was already 6 pm. So, I tried returning his call before we even set foot inside the house, but it went straight to voicemail. As I walked up the side of our house I realized his car was not where he usually parks it so I assumed the earlier call had been to let me know he was going out. I left it at that because I knew that he’d find a way to call me if he needed something, or if what he needed to tell me was urgent.

After getting our little to bed, and putting up the laundry I decided to open up a bottle of wine, and have a glass. It had been a gift from the company earlier that afternoon so I figured I’d pop in a movie, and have a taste. While pouring my glass I noticed that it was already after 8 pm, and I still had not heard back from my husband. I got this weird feeling in my stomach, and I remember whispering “Please just let him get home safely.” Of course, this scenario and this kind of worry is not uncommon for me. If y’all only knew. So, I began the normal routine of trying to find out where he was. I tried calling his phone again, but it was still off. So, I sent a quick message to a friend asking if they had heard from him recently, and they said that they hadn’t. And this is when my anxiety started to kick in. Overthinking, and worst-case scenarios began to play in my mind. I tried my best to push all of the irrational thoughts out of my head because that does no one any good. And just to answer the obvious unspoken question: Yes, even with everything going on I still worry about him. I always want to make sure that he’s okay. That he’s safe. And that he’s not in some ditch somewhere, or worse. So I kept watching the door, and turned the volume on the TV down low, half expecting to hear that damn stereo system thumping a block away. I was so ready to give him an earful about how much worry, and anxiety he had caused me. To say “Next time call me from your friend’s phone so I know you’re OKAY!” But none of that happened.

After the longest forty-five minutes of my life I received a call from the sheriff’s office informing me that my husband had been arrested. They allowed me to talk to him, and he told me to speak with the bail bondsmen in the morning. After the relief washed over me - he wasn’t dead - I became really angry. “What the hell happened? What did you get arrested for? Was anyone with you? Why the hell couldn’t you wait until I got home before heading off?!” There was a string of “I’m sorry. I don’t know. I don’t know. They won’t tell me anything. Just call the bondsmen tomorrow….” and then the line went silent. I was redirected to an officer who informed me that they couldn’t tell me much, but they did give me some numbers to call the following morning. And it has been a very uneasy, and uncertain time ever since. From finding out the charges, to finding out how much it would cost to get him out, and then finally talking with a lawyer about what to do. There are times when I’ve cried, and felt pretty damn helpless. I’ve felt guilt over not coming home right away that evening. I've been angry over what he did to get himself arrested. But the hardest part was having to tell our daughter that her dad wasn’t going to be home for a while. I almost broke down as she clung to me, and offered to give me her piggy bank money if it would help get her daddy out. Though I know that this is not my fault, and I know that this was bound to happen at some point due to the choices he was making. It still sucks. I still feel some responsibility, and I hate seeing him in there.

Now this is a small town. So small in fact, that someone runs an “In the Jail House Now” page which takes the previous days arrests, and then posts their mugshots all over Facebook. The Saturday after his arrest my phone was going off continuously. People were asking if I was okay? If our daughter was safe? Had she been taken away? Was I in trouble? They asked if I had seen the posts on all of the local groups. And when I finally got the nerve to look it up, at the reactions, I saw something that I didn’t like. Posted by a certain someone who had no business talking. And the anger just kicked in all over again. At him for doing something so stupid, and reckless. At her for even thinking that she had a right to laugh after all she had done. At myself for even giving a fuck about what was published online. And the truth is, that I don’t care what people think about me. Or what they say about me; about my relationship. I don’t care because they will never know the truth behind our closed doors. They don’t know the struggles, and demons my husband has fought over the years. Some that he’s won, and some that have sadly taken over. But what I do care about, fiercely, is our daughter. When it came time to explain to her what was going on I left a lot of details out. I only let her know that her father made a few mistakes that he was having to take responsibility for by staying in jail for a little while. But that doesn’t mean that she won’t hear other things from someone else. So yes, I care. I care about how she’ll get treated for this at school. About how little ears hear nasty things from adults, and then they get repeated on the playground to my daughter. It’s happened before on several occasions. I care about how much she misses her dad, and how she feels about this whole situation. And I think the fact that this is all even happening, that she has to experience this at all, is what both angers and saddens me the most.

For now, all I can do is try my best to stay positive and adjust to what’s going on around me. Because the truth is that my husband will miss Christmas, and more than likely our daughter’s birthday next year. The truth is that he is the only person responsible for what’s happening to him. And even though all of this really sucks it was probably the best thing for him in the long run. And even though my husband will become my ex-husband in a little over a month there are very few people who are in his corner at the moment. Even fewer who are able to help come up with the funds to hire a lawyer, and get him out in a few months. But I intended to be one of them. I intended to do what I can. To be there for him in whatever capacity that I can.

Consequences - Part One

Written on 11/10/17

How to start this off. Well, first let me just warn you that this will probably be a long post. I will ramble along in order to try, and find the words for what has been going on lately. Some might find the news a bit confusing, expected, untraditional, or just plain weird. However, I figured it was probably time that I share…

On October 23rd, after two months of talking with my husband & witnessing several things, I retained a lawyer. On the 27th a divorce petition was filed. I could tell you that this was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make, but that would be an understatement. In some ways, this was worse than the last time. Much worse. I cried at the lawyer’s office. I cried in the bathroom at work. I cried at the grocery store. I cried as I ran on the treadmill in the middle of my gym. And I’ve cried myself to sleep on countless nights since. For the most part I’ve felt this numbness. It’s mixed in with a broken heart, and feelings of defeat; dejectedness. I’m pretty sure this is causing my depression to get worse too. So, the past month has been hard; sad, lonely. Unfortunately, this is happening because it was the only option I had left. I had exhausted everything else. I had drawn, and redrawn lines. There was compromises, and forgiveness. And yet there was still a lot of other stuff simmering beneath the surface. So, in the end, I knew that this was the right thing to do.

At first my husband was angry. I’m assuming that this was because I had actually gone through with it. We'd talked about it a lot in the months prior to me retaining a lawyer. Though, I think we both thought it was just that... "talks". Never had I ever imagined being the one to pull the trigger on this decision. And yet, here we are. Once he accepted that we were moving in this direction there were apologies and voiced regrets. From both of us. And if my heart hadn’t already been broken it would have cracked—shattered at his words. However, it all comes down to choices. Consequences. Drug addiction has played a part in this. Infidelity has played a part in this. All of the recurrences I was warned about. All of the habits I was told would come back... did. But I chose to ignore them. Until I couldn’t anymore. My own stubbornness played a part in this. My own fear of failure played a part in this. My want of love from him was causing my own heartbreak. Because I wanted it so damn badly that I chose to look away from what was happening. Until I couldn’t anymore.

But if you want honesty, I’d say that I still love my husband. So damn much. He is the person I think of when I want to tell someone about my day. When I need to laugh, cry, or just be heard. When I want to be held in silence, he's the person I look for. When I have this urge to just lay down in bed as the sound of rain comes through the window I want him to be the person laying next to me. Or when our daughter does something funny I instantly want to share it with him. Our lives have been intertwined since I was 15. My first adventures away from home, life—the good & bad-- that I have led, and my daughter are all with him. Because of him. Knowing right now, in this very moment, that in a few months we are no longer going to be married is causing me to have knots in my stomach. I feel empty...hurt. And honestly, if it were just the two of us, I wouldn’t be sitting here telling you this news. God, if it were just the two of us, I would look the other way as long as he came home to me every night. Not sure what that says about me in the end. But I would have overlooked it all. I would grin, and bear it as long as he kept loving me. In whatever capacity he was capable of. But it’s not, and I can’t.

I wish things were different. I wish that I could erase the bad shit. I wish that we were strong enough to find a way around all of this. I wish we could go back to the days when love conquered all. When it was enough. But there comes a point in life, when in situations like mine, that you have to ask yourself if you’re okay. If you’re truly fine with what’s happening to your family? If the turbulent home life you’re offering is the best that you can do for your child? For yourself? For your spouse? Regardless of who’s causing the conflict. You have to ask yourself if the path you’re currently on is a healthy one? Are you really able to look at yourself in the mirror, and be okay with what you’re allowing? If the answers are “YES” then keep going. Keep fighting for it. And if you can look your child in the eyes in that very same moment, and tell them with complete honesty that this is the best you can do for them then by all means keep going. But if it’s not? If you’re breaking your own heart, over and over again, then stop. If you know deep down inside of yourself that continuing will only make things worse, then make the choice to do better. However messy, and hard it may be...do what's right for yourself. For your family.

So, for the sake of our daughter we’ve decided to go through this amicably. Reluctantly, but peacefully. We’ve also talked to her about all of this. We’ve had discussions about what divorce will mean for us. How it will affect us as a family. And so far, she’s okay. As soon as I knew that we’d be taking this step I spoke with her teacher, and requested that she start seeing the school counselor once every other week or if they noticed a change in her behavior. This has, surprisingly, been the easiest part out of this whole situation because I feel that neither of us really wanted this outcome. But it is what we need. There is still love here. So that’s where we are at right now. It’s a bit awkward. Not everyone knows how to react when we tell them. Hell, half the time I’m still really confused by it all. But all I can do is try my hardest to get through it. For myself. For my daughter. And for whatever is yet to come. 

📷:Rupi Kaur poetry, click on picture for credit

Full Circle Moment

Have you ever had a moment that just seemed like one happy coincidence? Or maybe you did something with friends years ago, and then got together to do it all over again? A moment that just seems "fitting"? Well, I had one of those moments recently. You see, the first time I ever saw the band HIM perform was back in high-school. My mother, who deserves a shout out for being so cool, drove my brother and I over two hours away to go see them. I remember feeling so excited that when we arrived, I was adamant about finding a spot as close to the front of the stage as we could get. My mother on the other hand insisted on sitting next to one of the security guards towards the back because he had extra chairs. Now imagine being about 5’ 2” (on a good day), and trying to muscle your way to the front of a crowd. But this wasn’t your every day crowd either. This was a venue that was quickly filling up with people in normal clothes as well as those dressed in elaborate gothic fashions. And of course, with my luck, an older woman wearing a top hat decides she’s going to stand right in front of me. Not in front of my brother who was just there because I asked him to come. Not in front of the two guys standing on the other side of me who were clearly taller. But right in front of the short teenager who was already having a hard time seeing the stage.

As the show started I started jumping up, and down. Swaying from one side to the other in the opposite direction as the lady in front of me. I even switched spots with my brother, and then switched back because it put me farther away from the band and I was not about to have that. After bumping into this lady for what seemed like the hundredth time while trying to get some pictures I noticed that there was a kid standing next to me who was a lot taller than me, and had a clear view of the singer. So, I nudged him with my elbow, and asked if he could take a few pictures for me. He nodded in agreement so I handed him my camera, and he started clicking away. Throughout the show we exchanged some words, and he took some video for me. Then he asked if I wanted to stand in front of him since I was having a hard time seeing. Afterwards we exchanged some contact information, talked briefly out in the parking lot, and a few days later he was added to my messenger list. And we’ve kept in touch ever since. He was actually the first person to let me know that one of our favorite bands was calling it quits. When I decided to put in some overtime in order to buy my ticket I asked if he was planning on attending any of the shows. He said he would be coming to the Dallas show just like he had before. We discussed meeting up either before or after the show, but left it at that.

Of course, once the day came, it was just one set back after another for me. After I made it inside I sent a message letting him know that I’d catch up with them afterwards. I grabbed my beer, and started making my way off to the side. Then, a group of people shifted backwards so I took that opportunity to move forward. Unfortunately, just like at the first show, I again found myself stuck behind two tall people. As I looked around them I noticed that there was a girl standing in front, and directly to the side of her was a nice open spot. I tapped her on the shoulder and asked if I could stand in that area. She nodded, and leaned in saying “Sure, go ahead!” And you guys, it was such a sweet spot! I had a clear view of the whole band so I started taking a few pictures, and I remember thinking to myself that this night was already so spectacular when I heard my name being called out. At first I thought I had misheard what was being said, but as I looked over there was my friend standing one person over.

You guys! It was such a cool moment! From earlier conversations I thought they were at the very front. So, I was so not expecting to see them until afterwards. It was such a surreal, crazy, full circle moment! He said “C’mon, bring it in!” and gave me a hug. We talked for a few moments, and then he asked if I wanted him to take some pictures. So, I fully took advantage of the fact that he’s still a good 4-5 inches taller than me. When a couple of people, who were really drunk kept pushing into me he asked if I wanted to stand in front of them instead. And again, I wasn’t going to say no. Afterwards I was introduced to his girlfriend, and we were able to catch up for a bit before going our separate ways. They had a long drive home, and since they are all in the military they had to be up early for PT the next day. So overall, it was a pretty incredible night. I said goodbye to my favorite band alongside someone I met at that very first show. In the same city as before. And it was awesome! ✨

HIM: Bang & Whimper 2017 Farewell Tour

It’s been seven days since THE concert. Seven whole days, and it still feels like something I dreamed up. A bit surreal, and bittersweet. Not only was the trip up to the city peppered with setbacks, but after checking the venue website I was sure that I would arrive late. I assumed it would be right before the second band’s set, but little did I know that the venue website was wrong by an hour. So, I ended up arriving about 30 minutes before HIM took the stage. It was enough time to get inside, watch the last song CKY played, and grab a beer (or three). Since I’m on the shorter side, and I’m entirely too old to fight my way to the front of the stage these days, I wanted to find a spot that gave me a decent view of the band. Fortunately, I only spent about ten minutes trying to find a place to stand when the lights started to dim, and the show began.

Man, I wish I could put into words how I felt seeing the band walk onto that stage after all of these years. How my mind instantly recognized the first chords of “Buried Alive by Love”, and I was so happy that I couldn’t stop smiling during their entire set. I wish I could put into words how hearing that low deep hum made my insides feel all fluttery. Or how that raspy rumble through the microphone was felt all the way down to my toes. I wish you had been there to feel the drums pulsing through your body the way I did because there’s honestly nothing quite like that feeling. And I wish I could better explain the overwhelming emotions that bubbled up so unexpectedly as I heard Ville Valo belt out those first lyrics too. I’ll admit that I totally cried during that first song because this band had, and still does, mean so much to me. I wish I could tell you how it felt to stand there, and be completely grateful for these humans who got me through some rough years with their music. Wanting to thank them over, and over again. And I wish I could tell you, with more eloquent words, how it felt standing there in awe -- having to say goodbye.

They performed a good amount of the songs that I wanted to hear played live one last time. I’ve seen them two other times, during some of their first ever major US tours, when I was in high-school. While I waited I kept overhearing people talk about this being their first chance to see them live, and I realized just how lucky I had been before. And y’all, when they played they sounded amazing! They have always sounded incredible live in my opinion. It’s like hearing them on a CD, or even a streamed track. It’s perfection. This time was no different. I took a handful of pictures and was able to get some videos, but for the most part I just stood and enjoyed the moment. I enjoyed being in that venue, and experiencing all of the magic that they were bringing. I think my only regret this time is not being able to grab a tour tee since I had arrived so late. Other than that, it was such a phenomenal night. I’m still feeling it days later. And I’m still smiling.

Sutherland Springs, Texas

I normally don't talk about certain issues going on in the world today, my faith, or even address politics on this blog. It's not that I'm ashamed, or don't pay attention either. I just feel that we're all different, and we all have different views. Sometimes our stances maybe exactly the same, or just a bit similar. While other times they are the complete opposite. And that's okay! I'm good with all of the differences out there. Besides, what could I possibly say that you haven't heard already from someone else in regards to these subjects, huh? However, I felt like I needed to express something today that may touch a little on some of these things.  

As you all know by now, Sunday was a sad day here in Texas. Three hours away from my own little town, while some where at their normal Sunday service and others were enjoying the extra hour of sleep, a coward walked into a church with an assault rifle. Twenty-six people didn't make it home that afternoon. About half of those were children. Now, the survivors and those who have to deal with the aftermath personally, have a long road to recovery ahead of them. Long after the media attention dies down. And long after they lay their loved ones to rest. Sadly, this community will never be the same again. Having grown up in a tiny little town, much like Sutherland, my heart breaks for these people. For their community. 

Now, I've seen some of the media be respectful of those who lost loved ones, or survived this incident. I'm grateful for them, truly. But I've also seen media outlets as well as people in general mock the response some of us have in regards to such tragedies. "See! Prayer does nothing! GOD DIDN'T SAVE THESE PEOPLE!" or "Sacrificed to the Second Amendment" with the pictures of the victims alongside it. Comments of how "Texans were just asking for it" due to our states stance on guns. It's remarks like those that make me mad. Angry. And yet really sad. Sad that this just happened, only two days ago, and everyone wants to turn it into a damn gun control debate. They want to use the deaths as reasons to prove their side; their cause. And I get that these topics are "hot button". I get that there need to be conversations over these issues. And I get that they are important to each person, in different ways. BUT, y'all...babies died. Mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, and friends. They died, on what they believed would be a normal Sunday morning. While they prayed, and worshipped.

So maybe take a moment to think about that instead? To feel heartbroken for their loss. To go home, and hug your loved ones as tightly as possible. To be empathetic, and not make this about politics or healthcare for just a few moments. Unfortunately, there's nothing I can do about any of this. I can't make the smearing of the victims' beliefs stop, or force others to be respectful. We all have our choices. We're all different. Our reactions will all vary. So, instead I've said my prayers. Whether people think that's an inappropriate response, or not I honestly don't care. I've asked for understanding, comfort, and peace on the behalf of those families. And my heart goes out to that tiny little town.

We are with you.

Texas, forever. ❤

30

The 19th was my husband’s birthday. No matter how old I get he’ll always be a year older. The 20th was our 9-year anniversary. I’ll always love you; don’t forget. The 21st was my 30th birthday. And just like that, I’m officially out of my twenties. I had originally planned to spend that Friday wallowing in self-pity with a bottle (or two) of wine, some romance movies, and a gallon of chocolate ice cream. However, that didn’t happen. Sure, the pity-party took place, but a few things came up that didn’t allow me to give it my full attention. So, my time alone turned into half of the day spent with my mother & grandmother, and the rest with my little one. That Saturday I did get a few hours to myself, but it was spent cleaning. Then I was able to go see “GEOSTORM” with my sister-in-law, and afterwards eat cheesecake to my heart’s content. Later that evening I heard from an old friend which was such a wonderful surprise, and then my best friend Kami called as well. I spent over two hours on the phone with her, and it wasn't up until after we hung up that I realized how much I miss her in my day-to-day life. I'm hoping we can go visit her next summer, or maybe in the spring. So, it wasn’t a bad way to ring in thirty.

What has been affecting me lately, though, is depression. Right about now my brother would tell me to quit being a cry baby. He’s partially right. The thing is that I’ve actually been feeling like this since the middle of September. It’s been this sadness, this struggle to get up on most days, and constant forced smiles. This isn’t new to me, but I feel like I’m getting hit pretty hard this time around. When I was a teenager I was diagnosed with depression, and after some treatment I learned how to manage it on my own. Then in 2015 it came back, and again I sought help/treatment before finally feeling strong enough to go without. And here we are…yet again. Only this time I don’t have the money to start counselling, or see the doctor. So, for now I’m just doing my best to keep myself from getting too down. I’m trying to do things that I like, and stay busy. This week is Halloween, which we love, and I have a concert to go to on Friday as well. Things are okay, and I’m trying to remind myself of that when I start to overthink things.

Overall, we’re good. I’m good. I have no real complaints. This past weekend my brother, and sister-in-law came down. We spent a lot of time hanging out, exchanging stories, debating topics, and I was able to get my baby fix. We had good food, stayed up late, and it was actually cold for awhile so it started to feel like fall/winter around here. Though only for about 24 hours. Emery was able to spend some much-needed outdoor time with her uncle. She’d been so excited for his arrival, and even woke up at 7 am on Sunday to go mountain biking for her first time with him. She came back with blisters, and a dirt covered face that wore a smile about a mile wide. So, it was good. Life is good. 

Here’s to thirty.

Post Op Update

Well, I survived! And all I can really say is that surgery is no joke. The feeling you have when waking up, and the pain you feel afterwards (no matter how “minimally invasive” the procedure is) are not fun. Also, when they say you don’t remember anything, they lie. I remember it all. And I’ve come to the decision that surgery is not something I’d ever voluntarily put myself through. So, there goes that future boob job I had been hoping for. Anyway, the gallbladder is finally out. Now I’m just trying to being cautious of the side effects. Learning what I can, and can’t eat or drink. It’s been a process, but I’ll get the hang of it.

There was a little issue with my gallbladder being so inflamed that it was twice the size it should have been. This meant more incisions had to be made than originally planned. And instead of being back at work within four days like I had hoped, it turned into having to use a whole week of my vacation time. I wasn’t really thrilled about that, but I had a lot of pain. Surprisingly there was a lot of nausea & vomiting too. And my breathing was a little off for a while. A few tweaks of my medications, and a lot of walking around helped speed up the recovery process though.

I’ve actually been feeling about 80% better. Though I got ahead of myself today when I put on jeans for work. While standing they felt fine, but sitting is a whole other ballgame. The button presses right against the biggest incision site, and wholly moly is it painful! See what overconfidence gets you? By the time I got in my car this morning, and realized the huge mistake I had made it was too late. So, I suffered through. Tomorrow it’s definitely back to yoga pants. Now, with the exception of a few little hiccups here, and there I’m hoping it won’t be too much longer before I start feeling normal again. Some other great news is that I was finally cleared to resume gym sessions! Oh, how I have missed it. And I keep being told that by the end of November I should be feeling the best I’ve ever felt in a long while. So, fingers crossed! Here's to having to build everything back up again! 

What I Want in The New Year

Looking back on this time last year I really just wanted to get through it, eyes closed tight, and I was so ready for the year to be over with at the same time. I remember sitting in my parents house, and dealing with my situation the best way that I could. This time around I felt different. More aware? More in tune? I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to look at this time of the year in the same way that I used to. There's just a lot of bad that's associated with it. However, I'm trying my best to get passed all of that. To look at this time of year as a way for me to shed the old, and clear my mind. To put out good intentions, and open myself up to receiving the good as well. 

So, in order to be more positive I decided I would jot down the things that I hoped for this year. There would be no finish line though. None of this "lose 25 lbs by summer", or "pick up a new hobby by February" stuff. Instead there would be more compassion, and improvement on how I viewed things. How I treated others, and myself too. I hope to be a bit more selfish this year, and by that I mean doing a lot more "self care". As cliche as that sounds. I feel like I should spend more time looking out for my feelings, and emotions. Manifestation; which I'll write more about at another time. I want to really practice that whole "remove negativity from your life" idea. Take the time to enjoy more of the moments with family, and friends that I'm given. If I've learned anything in the twenty-nine years I've been on this earth, it's that all of the moments are fleeting. They quickly become memories, and I want to be able to say that I remember savoring every drop of it. I know I've talked about social media "detox" before, but in this day it seems really hard to put it into practice for some of us. Mainly because it seems this is the only way we ever keep in contact with each other. So, what I did a few months ago was delete apps, and disable notifications. I only check accounts when I remember, which believe it or not, isn't that often. Probably why it's taken me so long to get back on here. I've also renewed my gym membership because exercise is important to me. I read more bedtime stories with my daughter, and have less screen time. I started to journal again like my previous counselor told me I should. I *meditate 3 minutes a day. when I remember, like he suggested as well. I'm also trying to be more expressive with my support of others. Before I felt that it was implied, or assumed, when certain people in my life had my support. Now I see that some of them need to hear it, and see it. My intentions aren't always as clear as I assume they come off to be. So there's always room for improvements, and learning. I plan on taking advantage of it all this year.

I know it's a lot to work on, and a lot to really hone in on for me. I think what it all boils down to is me being more vocal. To not let things simmer under the surface. Forgive to the best of my abilities. Take stock in the good that I do have, and not dwell on the bad. It all passes in time. Love as much, and as fully as I can too. People need to see it, and feel it. Be happy with myself; for my well being as well as those around me. For my life to change, and be a positive one I really need to embrace where I'm at and the people in it. So here's to this New Year...

*If any of you are interested in meditation the Calm app/desktop web application is pretty awesome! 

Hello, 2017

Soon after my last post there was a memorial service held for James. Sadly, we weren't able to make it. His mom has told us that she plans to come visit sometime within the next few months so I'm hoping to get to see her then. My heart still hurts for her, and sometimes I catch myself thinking that it's not real. It hasn't sunk in yet. And I'm not sure if it ever will...? Mid-December I finally made my way to Mexico for a brief, yet fulfilling, visit. We went back to drop off my grandparents which was bittersweet. I wish they could have stayed longer because it felt like they had just gotten here before they had to make their way back. Next time I'm hoping to be able to take Em along so she can meet some of her cousins too.

Christmas was spent with family. Both sides. My brother, and sister-in-law were here for a week too. My other sister Olivia was here as well so I was really grateful to have everyone within minutes of each other again. Even if it was only for the week. It seemed like it had been so long since the last time we were all together. Eating, laughing, and just enjoying each other's company. New Years Eve was actually spent at home, in my PJ's, and with wine. Em fell asleep early, and so did my husband. Don't let that "accomplishment" fool you though because my ass was in bed by 12:05 am. Still, I consider myself blessed to have been able to close out 2016 with family, and friends.

This new year felt different. And if I'm being honest I had been feeling a shift for the past few months now. As you all know, for me 2015 ended with pain, humiliation, and grief. However, 2016 was a testing year as well. Mentally, physically, and emotionally. It brought with it some understanding, strength, and awareness that I didn't have before. But above all else it brought me growth. The ending of it was welcomed, and despite tragedy, I felt like 2016 was the closing of one long chapter. I felt like I was almost at the top of this big ass mountain that I had been trying to climb all year. In my head I knew that if I could just get to the very top I would finally be able to see something. That things would be clearer for me. I had been trying really hard to heal, move forward, and yet I had been so focused on what happened that I couldn't get passed that last obstacle. Well, I can say with certainty that there was a click. A "shit or get off the pot" kind of moment if you will? That shift happened, and even though I'm not exactly sure when it took place I know I walked into 2017 with clarity. Sure there's a bit of haze left over, but overall I feel like this is truly going to be my year. 

So.... Hello, 2017.