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Currently - September 2019

I know I’m normally pretty thrown with how fast the months seem to go by each year. I mean, Walmart already has Christmas stuff out. But I’m so ready for September to be over with and gone. I’m ready for some cooler weather and that sense of revitalization that October brings me each year. It’s probably the only time of the year when I can say that I fully feel a transition happening. Or I can sense a shift or change in life. Now, even though we all know that Christmas is my favorite holiday of the year it’s definitely closely followed up by Halloween. Christmas doesn’t need to be rushed and it can wait for its turn. So, last weekend Emery and I grabbed a few decorations to get us started in order to properly welcome October first next week. And y’all, it just makes me so giddy with excitement! Ahh! I’M. 👏 SO. 👏READY! 👏 But before I get too ahead of myself, I’m going to finish off this month strong. In terms of blogging anyway. So, let’s get this “Currently” post underway, shall we? 

Playing: I haven’t been listening to one specific artist or artist this month. I’m patiently waiting for Dermot Kennedy’s new album to drop in October. And for Dennis LLoyd to announce some tour dates stateside. So, this month has been a nice mix of a lot of different music and podcasts. If you have a Spotify account, feel free to check out some of my frequently listened to playlists. “Strength, Mija” is at the top. Because sometimes I just need that pick me up. I need to listen to some empowering songs dealing with breakups, anger, strength, and bouncing back. I need some of those, “I’m going through it, but I'm gonna handle it and it's all gonna be okay” type of vibes in my life.   

Reading: I’ve been really bad about this. I have hit a massive reading slump. Nothing has really caught my interest. Not even my beloved young adult genre. I’ve added several titles to my “to read” list but as soon as I start browsing through the blurbs I get bored and leave it at that. Obviously, this is why I haven’t had any book reviews up lately. However, I do have a goal to read at least one book for the month of October. Even if I have to force my way through it. I have a few books in mind, but I’m thinking of going with “Say You Still Love Me” by K.A. Tucker because I normally enjoy her work. Or, in the spirit of Halloween, I may give “The Vine Witch” by Luanne G. Smith a go. I snagged a copy for my Kindle thanks to this month’s Amazon First Reads selection. So, we’ll see! Fingers crossed that at least one of these snaps me out of my reading funk because I really need to get back to it. 

Watching: I have soo many shows to catch up on. I even have movies that are piling up on my “to watch” list on Netflix. But did I make any headway on that list? Nooooope. Instead, I started watching the show “Yellowstone”. Because Kevin Costner. And ya’ll, this show is really good! Here’s the official description: The Duttons fight to defend their ranch and way of life from an Indian reservation and land developers, as medical issues, political aspirations and deep secrets put a strain on the family. It has drama, violence, suspense, action, love, and comedy. Okay, so the comedy part may be subjective. But it sucked me in from the opening scene of episode one. And it just keeps delivering, episode after episode after episode. So, if you have access to the Paramount Network definitely give this show a chance. I highly recommend it. I don’t believe it’s on Hulu or Netflix, but I watch it over on Philo with my monthly subscription.

And that concludes the "Currently" post for this month. If you have any suggestions be sure to drop me a line either here or on any of my other social media pages. Links are all at the top. I'm always on the lookout for new artists, films, or books so I'm totally open to recommendations. Until the next post, Happy Friday folks! 💛

Wordless Wednesday

The Guilt in Needing A Second Job

Recently, out of nowhere, we were told that the majority of us would not be able to put in over 40 hours at work anymore. This struck me as strange because we're constantly being told that our company is beating last years numbers. Once this limitation was put into place my paychecks decreased by about $90-$100 a week. Add into account that we now have a retirement plan that takes out another 3% of each check per week. Not mad at it, I actually needed to get this set up. Of course, 3% isn't considered a lot, but when you're counting every penny even $20 can hurt. And y'all, I'm counting every penny. So, after going over my monthly expenses - making cuts where needed- I came to the realization that my current job alone wasn't going to be enough. Just this past weekend I had already used up the last bit of savings I had managed to build up over the summer. And still, my bank account was running on empty. With another chunk of bills still needing to be paid before the month is through and a school fundraiser that I still have to donate to this week, I feel like the world is caving in on me. As I looked over my budget on Saturday night I also watched Emery twirl around in the living room and the only thing that I could think of was that I  was going to need a second job. And I needed to get one soon. Otherwise, I didn't know how I was going to make it through the rest of the year.   

As I sit here typing this up I've already created a SitterCity profile, submitted some proposals over on Upwork, and browsed through both the "remote" and "part-time" job posting over on Indeed. Emery's now trying on outfits, and bouncing around the living room. She's laughing and thanking me for getting her the new pair of shoes that she's been wanting because "they sparkle and just go with everything". And I want to cry. I honestly have no idea how so many single mothers do this? I knew it had to be hard. I knew that sacrifices had to be made. However, it wasn't until I became a single mother myself that I realized just how much of a toll this takes on you both mentally and physically. I didn't realize just how much it can complicate home life and time spent with your child either. And the guilt? The guilt of not being able to afford everything that you need can be really crushing. Emotionally defeating. Things that most parents don't think twice about cause me a lot of worry and anxiety because I have no idea if I'll even have the money to pay for it. And even with the little side jobs that I pick up with my dad, here and there, it never seems to be enough to help me get ahead.

Now, working two jobs is not something that I'm afraid of. I've done it before. What really upsets me, is the fact that now, getting a second job means losing the already short amount of time I get with Emery. Our week is usually jam-packed with things that she and I both have to do. After school practices, schoolwork, house chores, church functions, and gym time. Some nights we're barely making it through the front door by 8 pm, and that leaves us with less than thirty minutes of "us" time. Which is why the weekends are something that I've held pretty sacred. I try to limit plans and set aside some money so that she and I can go do things together. Whether it's to head out on a hike, go see a movie, visit a park, have a "PJ" day, a dinner date, or an old fashion "girls" day, the weekends have always been our time. If for some reason something came up or family was around during those days, we still did things together. That's always been important to me. So, getting a second job means that all of that gets taken away from us and I'm going to miss out on so much.

The guilt set in as soon as I even thought about getting another job. It got worse when I hit publish on my SitterCity availability. And I cried after Emery came in for a hug while proclaiming that I was just "the best mom ever" for taking her to the Dollar Store earlier that day so she could get a few cheap decorations for Halloween. Unfortunately, unless the restrictions at work get lifted, I miraculously get a raise, or maybe some equality gets put into the workplace, there's really nothing else that I can do. So, I'm going to suck it up. I've allowed myself the time to wallow and feel sorry for myself. But now, I'm going to do what I need to do in order to make ends meet. And I just pray that one day Emery understands that I did it all for her.

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Wordless Wednesday

Random Thoughts // Nine - Seventeen - Nineteen

Today, I don’t want to think about one specific thing for too long. I don’t want to think of much at all really. It's just one of those days, you know? And to be honest, I’m not feeling up to writing too much about one particular thing either. So, I’m just going to write down some random thoughts as they come. See where it takes me…

Last week was an interesting one. Everything felt slightly scattered and chaotic.  And yet, very still, with little to no progress being made on my “to-do” list. But you wanna know something? I really didn’t care. The dirty dishes remained in the sink until Saturday. The laundry was sitting, divided into piles, on my bedroom floor until Sunday evening. I only swept twice the entire week too. And oddly enough, I actually enjoyed kicking things to the side for once. Instead of dealing with the usual day-to-day work I spent my afternoons watching my daughter practice. I went over my monthly budget and revised where needed. I ate some pretty tasty food and worked out with my dad. I quietly listened to Emery read her chapter book while putting a few gifts together for family and friends. I sat on my front porch while eating chocolate and having a good laugh. And I even spent an evening binge-watching a new show with a friend. With each passing day, I was reminded of just how much I don’t need all of the extra noise in my life. Right now, everything is simple and quiet. Just the way I like it.  

Moving along: Have you ever felt like you’ve outgrown something overnight? Or maybe someone? The other day I was looking back at a few things from my past and I realized that I didn’t feel the same way as I had before about a lot of things. And people. I’m not exactly sure when the switch flipped, but as I sat there on my bed thinking things over I knew that it had. And the list of things/people that this included was actually pretty long. It was a little weird at first. My initial reaction was this feeling of fear creeping around in my thoughts. I had this sudden urge to back peddle and cling to those old feelings of want/need that I had. Of holding on. Because it was actually kind of scary to realize that I was officially moving out of a particular phase in my life. I actually felt more like an adult than I had in...well...ever. Or at least, what I think most adults feel like. Ha! So, it was a very eye-opening moment. And eventually, once the discomfort wore off, it felt good to know that I was experiencing growth. It was as if I could finally see the progress all of my baby steps were accomplishing.

And finally, I’ve recently started looking into moving this here blog over to Wordpress.org. I was doing a little reading about blog migration when I came across an article addressing the reasons why so many people were making the switch to a self-hosted site. For someone like me, who writes to just write, Blogger or wordpress.com tend to be sufficient enough. Less hassle, easy to set up, and super easy to maintain. However, for others who want to gain an income from their writing, it’s crucial to make the move sooner rather than later. Since I don’t write for profit I almost dismissed the idea of transferring over to Wordpress.org altogether. Especially with the upfront cost that it requires - (roughly $400). If you’re tech-savvy, which I’m not, it may not cost that much. But the thing that really jumped out at me was ownership of your content; your words. When you start a blog on Google or sign-up for a basic plan on Wordpress(.com) you don’t own any of what you put on there. Even if you have a “copyright” notice placed somewhere on there. They have the right to use your blog however they see fit and even take it down without notice. And that just doesn’t sit well with me. So after giving it some thought I decided that this switch is something that I would really like to do. Of course, I’ll have to save for it. But I’m hoping that I can make the transition sometime in the new year. A goal, if you will? So, we’ll see. 

And this seems like a good stopping point for now. Today was such a long day, and all I can think about is eating pizza in my PJ’s right now. Clearly, carbs are calling my name. However, I’ve started back up on a diet because I stupidly agreed to another weight loss competition. So, salad it shall be! Anyway, I hope this didn’t give you too much whiplash. Until the next post! Byyyyeee!

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Wordless Wednesday

Writing Prompt // Stars

Write about the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word "stars".

Just like the ocean, the night sky has this weirdly incredible effect on me. On how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking. It’s like I’m floating every time I look up at it and I find myself tempted to grab ahold of something in order to ground myself. I want to ask everyone around me, “Do you feel that too? That pull? Do you feel it?” And I always have this urge to hold someone’s hand. To seek out someone’s touch, their comfort, and then watch as the sky gradually lightens. Changing from black to purple to pink to orange to blue. I want them to feel that thing. That indescribable, almost overwhelming, rush of pure emotion. To be fully aware of every breath. I want them to see the stars and the endless possibilities that they can represent. I want them to feel that same lightness in their chest that I feel in mine. I want them to experience that love - love, for everyone around them at that moment. To find peace in the stillness. And I want them to have that immense feeling  of joy wash over them the same way that I do.  

Someone softly exclaimed, “Look at all of the stars,” as the porch light was turned off. It was pretty hot outside that night. Even at 9pm when the sun was completely gone. It had been a long day filled with family and friends. A last-minute trip and a lot of laughs. Tired from the adventures of the day, but not yet ready for it to come to an end, I walked several feet out into the yard and looked up. Constellations with no names, a moon that seemed to touch the tops of trees, and stars that flickered brightly. “I wonder what that one is…?” I questioned out loud as I pointed at the brightest speck of light that I could see. I immediately started searching for Orion's belt, the north star, and the big dipper. With a bit of confusion as to which direction they would be in I realized at that moment that it had been some time since I had truly looked up. Since I had sat down to appreciate just how small I was compared to the universe. Every night there’s this amazing mixture of color that covers the entire sky. A black, blue, and purple blanket with what looks like silver glitter that’s been scattered out across it. But it stretches on and on forever. Some of the sparkles fade while others get brighter. Some of them fall and then disappear without a trace. Almost as if they had never existed in the first place. It's the cycle of life playing out in the stars.  

That night, as I made my way over to a clearing in a field nearby, I felt perfectly happy. I swayed and twirled around; arms outstretched. When I finally stopped spinning I closed my eyes with a giggle. "I want to feel like this more often," I thought to myself. As I took in a deep breath, steadying myself, I could hear footsteps heading in my direction. They slowly came to a stop in front of me and I immediately caught the scent of eucalyptus and mint. “You look really happy right now,” the voice quietly stated. “It’s that pull you're always talking about, isn’t it?” they asked. I grinned as I nodded in response. Tilting my head back I slowly let out the breath I had been holding and began to open my eyes. As I finally brought my gaze back down I felt slightly different. A new perspective racing through my thoughts. And then there they were, those same stars I had seen up in the sky, shining brightly back at me. Making me feel grounded and weightless all at once. I slowly started to back away, and with a smile spreading across my face, I quietly whispered, “Now do you see what I mean?”

📸by Sleep Music on Unsplash

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Wordless Wednesday

"I'm Going to Miss Her Smile"

As I was sitting here getting ready to type up a post last night about the things I was grateful for, my way of starting the month off on a positive, I received a phone call from my daughter’s school. It was a Monday evening, and of course, I thought it was just a recording. I almost didn’t answer it. However, when I did pick up the phone it wasn’t a recording. It was the principal who was calling to inform all of the parents in my daughter’s class that a classmate had died over the weekend. And briefly, everything stopped. 

“Oh, no.” - “Can you tell me who it was? Do you know if she was a friend of my daughter’s? What can we do?” All of these words stumbled out of my mouth. But due to privacy reasons, they weren’t allowed to say much. Just that the students would be informed in the morning, and that they would have grief counselors available in case they wanted to speak to someone. “Th-thank you. Thank you for letting me know.” I let out before hanging up the phone. I closed the laptop, and quietly stood just outside of Em’s room. I could hear her working on her science kit with the TV on and moving around on her bed. “She’s going to be okay,” I mentally told myself. And instead of returning to my blog draft I just spent the rest of our evening keeping myself busy. Distracted. 

Sadly, this is not the first tragedy in our town involving a child. However, this is the first tragedy involving a young child that my daughter personally knew. A little girl that my daughter sat next to and interacted with on a daily basis. Since I didn’t know who the child was I didn’t know exactly how this would affect her. Was it her newly minted BFF of homeroom? Was it a child in another POD that she didn’t really speak to but had to do labs with? Was it someone she played with during recess or had exchanged “back to school” bracelets with on the first day of school? There were so many unanswered questions that I honestly wasn’t sure what to tell her. So, I didn’t. Instead, I let her have an uninterrupted evening of science kits, Raising Hope, a great big bowl of her favorite fruit, and then let her make a “later night” run to the Dollar Store with her dad to grab some craft supplies on a school night. She came back with her "loot" all smiles and giggles. Sleepily she informed me that she was ready for bed; for school the next day. And so, I tucked her in. I watched her fall asleep; her chest rising up slowly. 

Then this morning, I became THAT mom. The one who asked to speak with the counselor and teachers before classes started. I asked questions about how this matter would be addressed and whether parents were allowed to be with their children when they were given the news. We weren’t. I let them know that I wasn’t concerned about knowing names or details. I just wanted to make sure that I could be there for my little girl in case she struggled with the news. I wanted her to hear from me, that she could cry or not. That she could feel sad, shocked, or neither. That she could ask for comfort and to speak with any of the grief counselors that were available to her about whatever she needed to get off of her chest. Or, if none of that applied to her, that it was perfectly okay too. “That is absolutely wonderful, and yes we can definitely send her in when we are done giving the news to the children,” the principal told me as I sat down in the office. A second teacher came over and gently squeezed my arm, “I’m so glad that you’re here for Emery.” 

About ten minutes later the children all walked out into the hall. Some seemed okay while others were sobbing. Teachers were crying and some kids were hugging each other. As I watched through the glass window that separated the main office from the school I swallowed the lump in my throat. When I stood up, in walked Emery, and she immediately came in for a hug. She let me know who it was, and she sat in my lap quietly. This little girl was a fairly new friend she told me. Someone, she was just barely getting to know. A little girl that she played with because another friend had introduced them, inviting her into their little circle on the second day of school. We talked for a few minutes and I told her that however she was feeling was okay. I told her exactly what I had told the teacher earlier. As she clung to me I gave her a hug and a kiss on the top of her head. I asked her if she felt okay, and she nodded her head. With one last hug, we walked out of the room, and she was led back to her class. Looking back and blowing kisses before rounding the corner.  

It wasn’t until later that morning when she finally cried, she told me on our car ride home. “Mom, I still can’t believe that she’s gone. I’m really going to miss her smile. And her laugh. But mostly her smile in the mornings. Momma, I’m really going to miss her.” And I told her to hold onto those memories. I told her to remember all of the good that her new friend had already brought into her life in such a short time. To remember that smile and think happy thoughts when she was feeling sad. "It's okay to feel sad," I said. "We just need to say a little prayer for her, and for her family, my love. And just remember that someday, you'll get to see her again... " --