The Guilt in Needing A Second Job

Recently, out of nowhere, we were told that the majority of us would not be able to put in over 40 hours at work anymore. This struck me as strange because we're constantly being told that our company is beating last years numbers. Once this limitation was put into place my paychecks decreased by about $90-$100 a week. Add into account that we now have a retirement plan that takes out another 3% of each check per week. Not mad at it, I actually needed to get this set up. Of course, 3% isn't considered a lot, but when you're counting every penny even $20 can hurt. And y'all, I'm counting every penny. So, after going over my monthly expenses - making cuts where needed- I came to the realization that my current job alone wasn't going to be enough. Just this past weekend I had already used up the last bit of savings I had managed to build up over the summer. And still, my bank account was running on empty. With another chunk of bills still needing to be paid before the month is through and a school fundraiser that I still have to donate to this week, I feel like the world is caving in on me. As I looked over my budget on Saturday night I also watched Emery twirl around in the living room and the only thing that I could think of was that I  was going to need a second job. And I needed to get one soon. Otherwise, I didn't know how I was going to make it through the rest of the year.   

As I sit here typing this up I've already created a SitterCity profile, submitted some proposals over on Upwork, and browsed through both the "remote" and "part-time" job posting over on Indeed. Emery's now trying on outfits, and bouncing around the living room. She's laughing and thanking me for getting her the new pair of shoes that she's been wanting because "they sparkle and just go with everything". And I want to cry. I honestly have no idea how so many single mothers do this? I knew it had to be hard. I knew that sacrifices had to be made. However, it wasn't until I became a single mother myself that I realized just how much of a toll this takes on you both mentally and physically. I didn't realize just how much it can complicate home life and time spent with your child either. And the guilt? The guilt of not being able to afford everything that you need can be really crushing. Emotionally defeating. Things that most parents don't think twice about cause me a lot of worry and anxiety because I have no idea if I'll even have the money to pay for it. And even with the little side jobs that I pick up with my dad, here and there, it never seems to be enough to help me get ahead.

Now, working two jobs is not something that I'm afraid of. I've done it before. What really upsets me, is the fact that now, getting a second job means losing the already short amount of time I get with Emery. Our week is usually jam-packed with things that she and I both have to do. After school practices, schoolwork, house chores, church functions, and gym time. Some nights we're barely making it through the front door by 8 pm, and that leaves us with less than thirty minutes of "us" time. Which is why the weekends are something that I've held pretty sacred. I try to limit plans and set aside some money so that she and I can go do things together. Whether it's to head out on a hike, go see a movie, visit a park, have a "PJ" day, a dinner date, or an old fashion "girls" day, the weekends have always been our time. If for some reason something came up or family was around during those days, we still did things together. That's always been important to me. So, getting a second job means that all of that gets taken away from us and I'm going to miss out on so much.

The guilt set in as soon as I even thought about getting another job. It got worse when I hit publish on my SitterCity availability. And I cried after Emery came in for a hug while proclaiming that I was just "the best mom ever" for taking her to the Dollar Store earlier that day so she could get a few cheap decorations for Halloween. Unfortunately, unless the restrictions at work get lifted, I miraculously get a raise, or maybe some equality gets put into the workplace, there's really nothing else that I can do. So, I'm going to suck it up. I've allowed myself the time to wallow and feel sorry for myself. But now, I'm going to do what I need to do in order to make ends meet. And I just pray that one day Emery understands that I did it all for her.