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Shut The Door

Now that the “cat is out of the bag” so to speak, I can also say that the drama was just getting started back then. How so much has changed in almost two months. Never in a million years would I have imagined having to witness some of the stuff that I’ve had to recently. I also never pictured being the person who sat silently while their ex poured their heart out about a baby and his disastrous relationship with his girlfriend, K. Even during some of the conversations we have now, it sometimes feels like an out of body experience. “Will K be coming to Thanksgiving dinner? Do they need to plan for the kids to be there?” and “Maybe she’s not the only one that needs to grow up if your relationship is going to work?” are two statements that have come out of my mouth tonight alone, and it feels so trippy. Sometimes, I sit and playback the conversations in my head and wonder who the hell I am and where the fuck did I misplace my dignity & self-respect? Then I remind myself that this isn’t just about me anymore.

So yes, things have been rather intense lately. There was a threatened miscarriage & hemorrhaging. Em was finally given the news about K’s pregnancy and she wasn’t exactly thrilled. Then there was police involvement, and a CPS investigation opened up on K, which is still active. Also, the reason why I can’t say much, just in case. There’s been an order of protection put in place and it came to light that there were also false accusations that were made. This was followed up with a breakup, a court order, and then K moving away. There’s been a lot of lying in between, and some pretty ridiculous behavior from both of them. Death threats were made against Beau by an ex of K’s and not so shockingly they mentioned knowing where I lived. That was a whole other ordeal. Beau’s house was broken into and a lot of things were doused in gasoline. Not even joking. Appointments were set with lawyers, and there have been visits with Beau’s probation officer. Police were called for a second and third time. Then, last week there were threats of abortion. Because, you know, treating a baby as a pawn in a game is totally healthy. And throughout all of this, Beau & K are off/on depending on the day. To add to the chaos I was also informed by my counselor that I could be pulled into the CPS investigation because K mentioned that Beau had another child. So, if they decided to look into both parties a bit deeper then they could very well show up at my home. And even though I know I’m not doing anything wrong, that is the LAST thing that I need right now.

This is why I’ve done the best that I can to move forward, and stay out of Beau and K’s business. As in, not putting my two cents in or giving advice. I’ve made myself compartmentalize all of my feelings about the situation too. Back in October, it took me a good two weeks of processing before I felt okay again after being informed about the pregnancy. Thankfully, one of my best friends sat with me through some of the darker days. Forcing me to purge all of the thoughts and feelings I had, without judgment. They patiently sat with me to watch countless cheesy movies while also allowing me to cry when I was feeling really sad. And they served as a tether that pulled me back down when my mind started drifting off. A grounding presence when everything around me felt like it was self-destructing with every move I made. I am forever grateful to this best friend of mine because without them I feel like I would have let my depression consume me a lot longer. But after two weeks of grieving and having some really amazing support from those closest to me, I was finally able to move past the sadness and anger. I fully accepted that this was out of my control. And the only thing I could really do was just be there for emotional support if either Beau or K needed it. Not that K would ever accept it, but I still needed to be open to her. I also needed to pray for this baby that was about to come into the world. That nothing bad would happen going forward, and that he/she was able to come into this life as healthy as possible despite K’s lack of self-care during this pregnancy.

By nature, I’m a worrier. I stress over things, and I go over so many different scenarios. I obsess over tiny little details and get fixated on what could have been done differently. Unlearning this way of thinking, and trusting that God has a plan has been one of the hardest things for me to do. And saying little prayers here and there is one of the few things that have been helping me get through it. It’s allowed me to think more positively about the future. It’s allowed me to accept that sometimes we don’t get what we want. Instead, we receive what we NEED. Everything comes on its own time, and when I start to feel those overwhelming emotions I just need to let them go. Instead of dwelling on them, I pray for my family. For Beau and K. For my nephew and my parents. And I pray for my daughter and her soon-to-be half-sibling. That they are allowed to be in our lives, for my daughter’s sake as well as their own. It’s also made me realize that I needed prayer for myself as well. And to be okay with asking others to keep me in their prayers during this time. Because I’m going to need God’s help in whatever comes next. As accepting as I am about the situation now, I know that there are still certain things that will come up that will feel like someone is pouring salt on an open wound. Like the day I was shown the sonograms. That was a pretty intense moment. Then there was the moment when I had to see K with a baby bump and knowing that I’d probably never get to experience that ever again definitely stirred up some hurt. Jealousy and anger too. But the next milestone will be finding out the gender, and I’m not sure if I’m ready for that yet. If K’s having a boy I feel like that will hurt me so much more than if she were to have a girl because I wanted to be the one to give Em a baby brother. As if I had any kind of say in that, to begin with. So, I’m constantly having to tell myself that this is in God’s hands now. The only thing I can really do is pray and give it over to his plan. 

On top of everything going on, did I mention that Beau’s currently sleeping on my couch at night? Since K wasn’t paying the bills and hadn’t been for the past month, all of the utilities were turned off. When we had below-freezing temperatures last week I allowed him to crash on my couch and to store some of his equipment in my shed in the backyard. That’s when he informed me that two weeks ago he was told by his landlords that they would not be allowing him to renew his lease. Of course, none of this is my responsibility and I’m fully aware of this. I’m also not naive enough to believe that Beau had no idea that bills were not being paid. However, that didn’t stop me from feeling pretty bad about him not having heat, electricity, or running water. I did tell him that this was temporary, and only for getting rest at night. If he’s not here by the time Em and I are ready for bed then he has to find someplace else to go. I also made it very clear that I expected him to have a plan by this weekend because my couch was only available for so long. And I really need to get back to my own life. A life without all of the petty drama and negativity that he can’t seem to stay away from. But do you wanna know something interesting? Our time together has actually made me realize a few things. It’s shown me that the person who stands in my kitchen, who sits on my couch, who cracks jokes with Em, or occasionally, I catch watching me as I fold laundry - is not the same person I married eleven years ago. I can see the subtle changes in his face, his demeanor, and the more drastic ones in his eyes. He’s not the same person that I fell in love with all of those years ago. And while I will always love him, always wanting the best for him, somewhere along these past two months I did what I never thought I’d ever be able to do. I uncurled my fingers, wiped away the tears, and let “us” go. I let go of the possibilities and the “what could have been's”. And y’all, I survived it. I quietly, but firmly, shut the door on that life and I finally said goodbye. 

Thanksgiving Day 2016

Wordless Wednesday

Finality

written on 10/7/19

On Saturday night, I had the metaphorical rug pulled from underneath me. Again. It had already been an emotional day and I was just coming off of one pretty intense anxiety attack when my phone pinged. And just like that, I felt like my world was crumbling all over again. My heart felt like it was going to jump out of my throat, my hands went numb, and the tears just started to fall. I could taste the acid of my vomit stinging my throat as it made its way up and I clamped my mouth shut. My thoughts raced as I let out an angry growl, and I could feel the anger and sadness building in my chest. I felt sick to my stomach and I shook as I sat in my car. It took a dose of my anxiety medication, and a lot of deep breathing to finally calm down. I started trying to ground myself with anything that I could touch; the steering wheel, my necklace. I sat in my running vehicle just staring for what felt like hours. In reality, it was only thirty minutes because my phone pinged notifying me that it was time to put on a brave face and pick up my daughter. I had to swallow the pain and numb myself to the news I had just received. This was only the beginning of the hurt to come, though. But I couldn't allow myself to breakdown in front of Em again.

There were a lot of “I’m so fucking sorry.” and “I don’t want this.” There was, “We don’t even know if it’s mine.” and “She’s not even a mom to her own kids, I don’t want her having one of mine.” And the one that drove a knife right through my side was, “They’re not my family. She’s nothing. I don’t even like them; you and Emery are my family.” And the only thing I could think to say was, “It’s too late to take it back now…” You see, about the middle of September, Beau seemed to have this realization. He called in the middle of the night, and he asked about getting help. About how he wanted to do better for our daughter. He had said that the life he was living was not the one that he wanted. At 2 am, these all seemed like really positive things and they gave me a bit of hope. Not for us, but for him. That maybe he was finally starting to see that the path he was on was only going to lead to more bad things. And if he actually got help, then maybe a few years from now we could try to put some of the shattered pieces back together. Not necessarily in order to get back together, though I may have been open to it later down the road I wouldn't really hold my breath. Instead, I just wanted him to be better. Happier and healthier. Because I want him to be in a good place. I don’t want to see him addicted to drugs or struggling. I can’t stand to see him hurting. Hell, I can’t even be angry at him for any of what has happened, including this. Instead, I just break my own heart, over and over again, because I know that there is very little that I wouldn’t do for this man. Even now. 

In all honesty, my initial reaction was not one that I’m proud of. “Well, there are three options,” I thought to myself when Beau said, “I don’t want this.” Later, I asked for forgiveness because, in my heart, I know that there are only two. This was just my knee jerk reaction of “fixing” his problems for him. But if I'm being honest, deep down, I always knew that this would happen. I just thought I’d have more time. More time to move on, and be okay. More time to get used to this new life. I was barely in the process of getting information on the annulment process. I was finally off of all my medication. I was starting to feel calm and happier. I felt really good about the boundaries I had set up while still being there for him in reasonable ways. And I knew in my heart, that one day he’d probably find someone that he loved just as much as I had loved him. That they’d get married and have kids. But this? I didn’t want it to happen like this. For a child to be brought into this world by off/on addicts. To have a young girl for a mother who already puts her other children off on anyone who is willing to take them. They bounce between dads, relatives, and friends because she can’t bother to be a full-time mom. And I didn’t want Em to have a half-sibling that she may not ever be able to see or have in her life because they could get taken away or sent off elsewhere. And if I’m being really, really honest, I never wanted to have to share the gift of motherhood that he gave me, with anyone else. At least not yet; not now. But here we are...

The timing of this just seemed so cruel to me and I felt myself slipping right back into my depression. I’ve spent the last 48 hours crying. It comes in waves and sometimes I have no idea why the tears choose to come at the most inconvenient times. Like yesterday morning, when I decided to run bleachers. My vision became blurry, I suddenly felt like I couldn’t breathe, and it was followed by a lot of sobbing. When I finally got to the bottom of the last row I just slumped over. Snot running down my nose; eyes swollen. Then when I went to my parents' house in order to get Emery about forty minutes later and my mom asked me, “What’s wrong? I can feel that there’s something really wrong.” I couldn’t keep my composure for more than five minutes. I just stood there in front of her with tears running down my face as I prepared my coffee. Shaking as I stirred the liquid in my cup for what seemed like hours. And she hugged me as I let it all out. “Oh, mija, we all hoped. We prayed for you and Beau to be a family again someday. But now you really have to let go,” she said between my sobs. And somehow that made me feel both better and worse.

Later that night, I sat in a daze just staring out the window with my thoughts racing. A baby with someone else makes our end so final. Permanent. It extinguishes any flicker of light that was still glowing. And I have no one else to blame for these hurt feelings but myself. Because this is what hope gets you. This is what the painful side of loving someone unconditionally looks like. And this is the hurt you go through when it’s unrequited. This is so much more painful than I ever imagined. And I’m so tired of feeling it. Of dealing with it. I’m so tired of hurting. I just want it to stop. I want this to be over.

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No One Tells You

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

written on 8/9/19

When I realized my marriage was deteriorating, I kept thinking about something one of Beau’s uncles told us during our California trip several years ago. He said, “I’m proud of you both. I’m proud of you for sticking through it. For not giving up. Family is such an important thing and you’re doing this for her. She’ll grow up with two parents who love her and she’ll have a family. So, I’m really proud of you.” And those words stayed with me during that entire trip. They still linger in my heart to this day. When Beau and I first got together I was welcomed into his family with open arms. In the blink of an eye, I had double holidays, birthdays, and cookouts to attend. I had gained an extended family and in case you haven’t noticed, my family is a really big deal to me. 

So, I carried those words with me. With every slamming of a door. Every object thrown in anger. The names and the yelling. The drugs, affairs, and altercations. I would think back to those words and I’d tell myself, “Not yet. You can’t let go yet.” I kept trying and trying to make things work. To put a bandaid over what was happening, and tell myself that if I just stayed the course everything would work out. It would get better, I just had to be patient. But it wasn’t. And when the time finally came to uncurl my fingers I felt like I had let them all down. I told myself, “This is it. You’re going to lose so much more than just him.” And I wasn’t necessarily wrong. I was told so many times, “It doesn’t matter, you and Em will always be family.” I wanted to believe those words every time I forced myself to smile through the sadness. I wanted to believe that one of them would tell B, “You may not want her in your life but she will always be family to us.” Not surprisingly, other than with my sister-in-law, this didn't ever happen. Instead, I slowly started hearing less and less from them. And I knew that things were going to change, but even when you expect it, that pill can still be a hard one to swallow. 

You see, no one tells you how much it hurts to be slowly pushed out of a family. Sure it’s one that you married into, but there are still bonds that you create with them. No one tells you how much it sucks when texts go ignored and plans you ask to make never actually happen. No one tells you how much it hurts to find out that not only is your former spouse replacing you, but eventually, so will their family. Soon this other “woman” will be the one invited to dinners, holiday get-togethers, birthday celebrations, and cookouts. She’ll be sitting in rooms and taking up space that used to belong to you. And the only reason you’ll ever be contacted by that former family is to find out if your daughter will be allowed to accompany her father and his girlfriend to whatever family function is taking place if it's not his weekend. No one tells you how upsetting it can be to see your place within a family be erased. To see someone else fill that void as if you had never been there at all. No, no one bothers to tell you any of that at all.

Having to accept this truth, this untangling of our family ties has not been an easy thing for me to deal with. I hope that one day when the dust settles I’ll still have some of them in my life. At the very least, I hope Em still has them in her’s. But I also hope that we can all get through this awkward phase one day; this in-between. I hope that one day I won’t be sad over the ones who chose to distance themselves but instead be grateful for the ones who still found it in their hearts to love me when everything fell apart.

Wordless Wednesday

My Brain is A Mess Right Now

It's November. IT'S. FREAKIN'. NOVEMBER. When the hell did this happen? We're about to close out 2019 and I honestly feel like my progress this year was very minimal. I stayed stuck for a long time. I closed myself off to a lot of things. And now that the year is coming to an end I kind of feel like, overall, everything is a jumbled mess. I'm trying to make up for all of the lost time even when I know it's impossible. When I know that it's probably for the best that I just slow down instead. But that's just not in my nature, unfortunately. 

I've gone back and edited several of my drafts, so you'll see several of those going up within this month. They're not the greatest, but just know they were coming from a pretty raw place. And I've edited them to a point where I'm comfortable with the information that I'm sharing. Also, I have an extremely generous friend in my life that recently gifted me a Canon camera which has been soo fun to use! The pictures come out so beautifully detailed and I'll definitely be throwing up some of those photos soon. I currently work on a Chromebook, which if you know anything about them then you know my struggle right now: minimal storage space; horrible editing software. So, the editing processes has been a pain in the ass and extremely slow. BUT I'm grateful for what I have. Just know that this is why it may take me a little bit more time to get things edited, but it's worth it to me in the end. 

Creatively, I feel a bit burnt out. I have a lot going on in my life right now and the stress has been at an all-time high which totally zaps me by the end of the day. I feel drained with little to no motivation. I finally got myself a little writing desk in order to have my own little writing space in my home. However, sitting down to let it all pour out of me has been the hard part. I struggle with oversharing and shooting from the hip. Unfiltered and emotional. I usually give myself days, if not weeks, to decide whether I want to put a post out there into the universe. Because...once it's out there...you can't take it back. I've struggled with this a lot lately. There's such a fine line when it comes to privacy and telling my story. Especially when I'm only telling one side. It can often be hard for me to tell what the boundaries are which can make things..interesting. And recently Em asked why I didn't share more of her: her stories, her pictures, & her face. And the best answer I could come up with was that privacy was something we wanted to keep for as long as possible. And that statement is something that's been weighing on my mind lately. 

All of this to say that I have a plan. Sort of. I know that I need to get back on track with setting time aside for my writing. For December, I'm thinking of doing another "social media detox" as that normally helps me with getting myself balanced. It forces me to get outside, to pay attention more, and it allows me to write about things in a clearer way. I tend to read more books and take on more DIY home projects too. And it usually helps get rid of all the extra noise which is a good thing. Something I feel I need more of as each day goes by. So, there's a plan in the works, y'all. A plan to get my focus back on what I want, especially with the new year fast approaching. And here's to getting my ass into gear, yea? To a great, and hopefully slowish, November for us all. 

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Wordless Wednesday

This is 32

If I could sum up this past year in one word it would be: Challenging. Not just because of everything that's been going on lately in my personal life. But also because of what's been going on at work. Parenting lately has also been really...trying. My health has been up and down this year as well. I actually had a second blood draw this morning in hopes of having clearer answers. This has also been a year of unlearning. Unlearning the negative thoughts about myself. Doing things on my own and being OKAY with that. Sitting still and being comfortable with feeling lonely. And it's been a challenge to let go of what I had hoped my future would be like. Instead, I'm having to embrace the blank slate that's set before me.

If I could describe the past year in one word it would be: Blessed. There's so much out there that I know is good. I have people in my life who truly care about me. People who love me. My daughter is happy and healthy. She's doing well in school. And our bond is so damn strong. I'm blessed to have her and her unconditional love. I've also been able to nurture friendships that I hadn't really tended to in a while. Each of us busy with our own lives, but finally taking the steps needed to get back in touch. My parents have been a huge help and I have no idea what I would do without them. And I'm learning more about myself each day. What I want out of life and in a career. The kind of people that I want to surround myself with and the ones that I don't. I'm doing my best to be a practicing Catholic and really listen to what my faith offers. I'm doing my best to stay positive, even when life is handing out some real doozies. I'm doing the best that I can to take it all in stride and with a grateful heart. 

And now, here's hoping for more adventures. More writing and less time on my phone. More friendships and quiet moments. Enjoying the little things and hopefully getting some much-needed balance.  Here's to finally being able to start putting money away for my "international travels" trip that I would like to take one day. And finally getting my passport. Here's to more days filled with family and laughter. To making some boss lady moves and learning more about myself. And here's to 32. To what comes next. Because I know that there's so much more waiting for me in this life and I'm just getting started. 

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Life Lately

So, it's been a minute. 😀 We've actually had a lot going on this month. More dramatic than I would like for it to be. BUT we are getting through this season and I just needed to take some time away from a lot of things to get my head on straight again. I've actually written a lot in my journals and a few drafts on here that I just didn't have the balls to publish. For one, the story is not mine to tell...yet. And second, it's all still very fresh/raw for me. There were some things that I typed up, that had I published, I would not have been able to take back. So, instead, they'll just sit there in my drafts. Until I'm ready to let them go. 

For now, let me do a little catch-up post. During the middle of September, some of my family from Georgia came down for a wedding. I was able to see my cousin Omi and found out that she was expecting her first little one. Em was able to spend time with cousins that were her own age. And there was a lot of coffee, pan dulce, and good conversations. I've always said that my family getting together is one of my "happy places". But it can also be overwhelming and tiring when everyone has to be wrangled just to make a trip to the store. I wouldn't trade it for the world though. My family makes me happy.  

On the first weekend of October, Em and my dad ran a one-mile fun run. There was money on the line for her which was added motivation. But y’all, my little girl has the makings of a runner. Whether she’ll ever utilize it or not, that’s still to be seen. She can cover some distance with her long strides, and she can keep up a steady pace too. She and my dad were the first in their group to cross the finish line. They were doused in color and And I couldn't have been more proud. 

This week Em was invited to ride on her gym's parade float this upcoming Saturday. We've been to several of these parades and she always sees the other girls in advance levels that get to ride on their float. Usually, she'd just wave and call out to the girls she knew. Afterward, she'd ask me if she'd ever get to ride on one or be a part of the team. I normally had no answer for her other than, "Maybe in the next one, honey." And well, the invitation finally came. She's so excited that this weekend she'll finally be able to be a part of it with the rest of the team. She's worked really hard to advance quickly in level two. Her goal is to be in level three by the end of this school year, if not sooner. She's already received her ribbons, two weeks in a row, for new skill achievements. And her coach says that she's on the right track to hit her goal.

And that's about all I have for now. The next seven to ten days will bring with them a lot of birthdays and celebrations. This weekend will be a three day weekend for me which I'm so grateful to have. I foresee some coconut milk chocolate ice cream, and a Netflix binge session because I'm old and lame. I'm also hoping for some good news on Monday or Tuesday that I'll be able to share with y'all. And I'm still trying to get a second job in the afternoons and weekends too, but so far I haven't had any luck. I'm in desperate need of some extra income too. So, if y'all could send me some good vibes or keep me in your prayers I would really appreciate it. Until the next post, I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

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Wordless Wednesday

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Wordless Wednesday

October Magick

This is my month, y’all! This is the month that brings a sense of renewal for me. It’s a time when the leaves start to change and the weather gets cooler. It’s a time when there’s a bit of magick in the air and everything feels heightened. It’s a time when I can actually start to see the progress I’ve made (or haven’t made) in the year. There’s always been this energy and excitement that comes with October for me, and somehow I got really lucky because Emery shares that same joy. There’s an extra bit of sparkle and a little bit of spooky in our day-to-day that makes this month so much fun for her. This morning she hopped out of bed with excitement in her eyes and a wide smile. “Mom! It’s October 1st!” she said. “It’s here, baby girl, it’s here!” I replied as I rushed to put mousse in my hair with one hand and brush my teeth with the other. We were running a little late so the excitement was a tad short-lived. But how cool is it to be able to share that feeling with your kid, huh? We both absolutely love this time of year!

via GIPHY

Most of our outside Halloween decorations are up. I also had an impulse buy and got “The Nightmare Before Christmas” themed light projector for our living room. I need to grab a few decorations for my alter next week and I think I’ll be set for the month. We have a whole selection of movies picked out that we’ll be watching throughout the month too. I’ve finally decided on reading “The Vine Witch” while Emery has picked, “Small Spaces” by Katherine Arden. I’m stocked up on hot teas and we’re looking at several “Halloween” themed crafts to do for the month. Plus, the new animated Addams Family movie comes out next Friday and we’re going to see it sometime next weekend. I’m hoping to get at least one night hike squeezed in this month or at the very least a day trip to Dinosaur Valley. Fingers crossed! 

Those aren’t the only things that we’ll be doing though. As much as I enjoy the scary, haunting, and magickal side of October, this year on the Catholic side, we’ll be celebrating the “Month of the Holy Rosary”. This is my first year of being back with my church. I technically haven’t met all of the requirements to be considered a “practicing Catholic” I’m doing my best. And this month is dedicated to one of the most powerful prayers that we have. Most people will commit to praying the rosary every day during this month, which is a beautiful thing. However, I’m not quite there yet. So for me, I’ve decided that I’ll try my best to pray the rosary at least once a week. Ideally, I'd like to recite it before bed on Sunday, but we’ll see how it goes. I still have a lot to learn but this has actually been a very interesting journey in rediscovering my faith. I'm pretty happy about my progress so far. 

Now, I know I stated before that I was looking for a second job. Well, I still am and I’ve sent in my application to a company in town that has a part-time seasonal opening. Regardless of whether I get the job or have to continue my search I still plan on doing as much as I can with Emery. If that means cutting out everything else I have going on then that’s a sacrifice I'm more than willing to make. Because Emery comes first for me, and I only get her at this age for so long. I want to experience all of this October Magick with my baby girl for as many years as I can get. If that means making sacrifices in other areas of my life to get it, then that's what I'll do. But we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Until then, Happy October everyone! May it bring you as much joy as it does to us. 👻

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Currently - September 2019

I know I’m normally pretty thrown with how fast the months seem to go by each year. I mean, Walmart already has Christmas stuff out. But I’m so ready for September to be over with and gone. I’m ready for some cooler weather and that sense of revitalization that October brings me each year. It’s probably the only time of the year when I can say that I fully feel a transition happening. Or I can sense a shift or change in life. Now, even though we all know that Christmas is my favorite holiday of the year it’s definitely closely followed up by Halloween. Christmas doesn’t need to be rushed and it can wait for its turn. So, last weekend Emery and I grabbed a few decorations to get us started in order to properly welcome October first next week. And y’all, it just makes me so giddy with excitement! Ahh! I’M. 👏 SO. 👏READY! 👏 But before I get too ahead of myself, I’m going to finish off this month strong. In terms of blogging anyway. So, let’s get this “Currently” post underway, shall we? 

Playing: I haven’t been listening to one specific artist or artist this month. I’m patiently waiting for Dermot Kennedy’s new album to drop in October. And for Dennis LLoyd to announce some tour dates stateside. So, this month has been a nice mix of a lot of different music and podcasts. If you have a Spotify account, feel free to check out some of my frequently listened to playlists. “Strength, Mija” is at the top. Because sometimes I just need that pick me up. I need to listen to some empowering songs dealing with breakups, anger, strength, and bouncing back. I need some of those, “I’m going through it, but I'm gonna handle it and it's all gonna be okay” type of vibes in my life.   

Reading: I’ve been really bad about this. I have hit a massive reading slump. Nothing has really caught my interest. Not even my beloved young adult genre. I’ve added several titles to my “to read” list but as soon as I start browsing through the blurbs I get bored and leave it at that. Obviously, this is why I haven’t had any book reviews up lately. However, I do have a goal to read at least one book for the month of October. Even if I have to force my way through it. I have a few books in mind, but I’m thinking of going with “Say You Still Love Me” by K.A. Tucker because I normally enjoy her work. Or, in the spirit of Halloween, I may give “The Vine Witch” by Luanne G. Smith a go. I snagged a copy for my Kindle thanks to this month’s Amazon First Reads selection. So, we’ll see! Fingers crossed that at least one of these snaps me out of my reading funk because I really need to get back to it. 

Watching: I have soo many shows to catch up on. I even have movies that are piling up on my “to watch” list on Netflix. But did I make any headway on that list? Nooooope. Instead, I started watching the show “Yellowstone”. Because Kevin Costner. And ya’ll, this show is really good! Here’s the official description: The Duttons fight to defend their ranch and way of life from an Indian reservation and land developers, as medical issues, political aspirations and deep secrets put a strain on the family. It has drama, violence, suspense, action, love, and comedy. Okay, so the comedy part may be subjective. But it sucked me in from the opening scene of episode one. And it just keeps delivering, episode after episode after episode. So, if you have access to the Paramount Network definitely give this show a chance. I highly recommend it. I don’t believe it’s on Hulu or Netflix, but I watch it over on Philo with my monthly subscription.

And that concludes the "Currently" post for this month. If you have any suggestions be sure to drop me a line either here or on any of my other social media pages. Links are all at the top. I'm always on the lookout for new artists, films, or books so I'm totally open to recommendations. Until the next post, Happy Friday folks! 💛

Wordless Wednesday

The Guilt in Needing A Second Job

Recently, out of nowhere, we were told that the majority of us would not be able to put in over 40 hours at work anymore. This struck me as strange because we're constantly being told that our company is beating last years numbers. Once this limitation was put into place my paychecks decreased by about $90-$100 a week. Add into account that we now have a retirement plan that takes out another 3% of each check per week. Not mad at it, I actually needed to get this set up. Of course, 3% isn't considered a lot, but when you're counting every penny even $20 can hurt. And y'all, I'm counting every penny. So, after going over my monthly expenses - making cuts where needed- I came to the realization that my current job alone wasn't going to be enough. Just this past weekend I had already used up the last bit of savings I had managed to build up over the summer. And still, my bank account was running on empty. With another chunk of bills still needing to be paid before the month is through and a school fundraiser that I still have to donate to this week, I feel like the world is caving in on me. As I looked over my budget on Saturday night I also watched Emery twirl around in the living room and the only thing that I could think of was that I  was going to need a second job. And I needed to get one soon. Otherwise, I didn't know how I was going to make it through the rest of the year.   

As I sit here typing this up I've already created a SitterCity profile, submitted some proposals over on Upwork, and browsed through both the "remote" and "part-time" job posting over on Indeed. Emery's now trying on outfits, and bouncing around the living room. She's laughing and thanking me for getting her the new pair of shoes that she's been wanting because "they sparkle and just go with everything". And I want to cry. I honestly have no idea how so many single mothers do this? I knew it had to be hard. I knew that sacrifices had to be made. However, it wasn't until I became a single mother myself that I realized just how much of a toll this takes on you both mentally and physically. I didn't realize just how much it can complicate home life and time spent with your child either. And the guilt? The guilt of not being able to afford everything that you need can be really crushing. Emotionally defeating. Things that most parents don't think twice about cause me a lot of worry and anxiety because I have no idea if I'll even have the money to pay for it. And even with the little side jobs that I pick up with my dad, here and there, it never seems to be enough to help me get ahead.

Now, working two jobs is not something that I'm afraid of. I've done it before. What really upsets me, is the fact that now, getting a second job means losing the already short amount of time I get with Emery. Our week is usually jam-packed with things that she and I both have to do. After school practices, schoolwork, house chores, church functions, and gym time. Some nights we're barely making it through the front door by 8 pm, and that leaves us with less than thirty minutes of "us" time. Which is why the weekends are something that I've held pretty sacred. I try to limit plans and set aside some money so that she and I can go do things together. Whether it's to head out on a hike, go see a movie, visit a park, have a "PJ" day, a dinner date, or an old fashion "girls" day, the weekends have always been our time. If for some reason something came up or family was around during those days, we still did things together. That's always been important to me. So, getting a second job means that all of that gets taken away from us and I'm going to miss out on so much.

The guilt set in as soon as I even thought about getting another job. It got worse when I hit publish on my SitterCity availability. And I cried after Emery came in for a hug while proclaiming that I was just "the best mom ever" for taking her to the Dollar Store earlier that day so she could get a few cheap decorations for Halloween. Unfortunately, unless the restrictions at work get lifted, I miraculously get a raise, or maybe some equality gets put into the workplace, there's really nothing else that I can do. So, I'm going to suck it up. I've allowed myself the time to wallow and feel sorry for myself. But now, I'm going to do what I need to do in order to make ends meet. And I just pray that one day Emery understands that I did it all for her.

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Wordless Wednesday

Random Thoughts // Nine - Seventeen - Nineteen

Today, I don’t want to think about one specific thing for too long. I don’t want to think of much at all really. It's just one of those days, you know? And to be honest, I’m not feeling up to writing too much about one particular thing either. So, I’m just going to write down some random thoughts as they come. See where it takes me…

Last week was an interesting one. Everything felt slightly scattered and chaotic.  And yet, very still, with little to no progress being made on my “to-do” list. But you wanna know something? I really didn’t care. The dirty dishes remained in the sink until Saturday. The laundry was sitting, divided into piles, on my bedroom floor until Sunday evening. I only swept twice the entire week too. And oddly enough, I actually enjoyed kicking things to the side for once. Instead of dealing with the usual day-to-day work I spent my afternoons watching my daughter practice. I went over my monthly budget and revised where needed. I ate some pretty tasty food and worked out with my dad. I quietly listened to Emery read her chapter book while putting a few gifts together for family and friends. I sat on my front porch while eating chocolate and having a good laugh. And I even spent an evening binge-watching a new show with a friend. With each passing day, I was reminded of just how much I don’t need all of the extra noise in my life. Right now, everything is simple and quiet. Just the way I like it.  

Moving along: Have you ever felt like you’ve outgrown something overnight? Or maybe someone? The other day I was looking back at a few things from my past and I realized that I didn’t feel the same way as I had before about a lot of things. And people. I’m not exactly sure when the switch flipped, but as I sat there on my bed thinking things over I knew that it had. And the list of things/people that this included was actually pretty long. It was a little weird at first. My initial reaction was this feeling of fear creeping around in my thoughts. I had this sudden urge to back peddle and cling to those old feelings of want/need that I had. Of holding on. Because it was actually kind of scary to realize that I was officially moving out of a particular phase in my life. I actually felt more like an adult than I had in...well...ever. Or at least, what I think most adults feel like. Ha! So, it was a very eye-opening moment. And eventually, once the discomfort wore off, it felt good to know that I was experiencing growth. It was as if I could finally see the progress all of my baby steps were accomplishing.

And finally, I’ve recently started looking into moving this here blog over to Wordpress.org. I was doing a little reading about blog migration when I came across an article addressing the reasons why so many people were making the switch to a self-hosted site. For someone like me, who writes to just write, Blogger or wordpress.com tend to be sufficient enough. Less hassle, easy to set up, and super easy to maintain. However, for others who want to gain an income from their writing, it’s crucial to make the move sooner rather than later. Since I don’t write for profit I almost dismissed the idea of transferring over to Wordpress.org altogether. Especially with the upfront cost that it requires - (roughly $400). If you’re tech-savvy, which I’m not, it may not cost that much. But the thing that really jumped out at me was ownership of your content; your words. When you start a blog on Google or sign-up for a basic plan on Wordpress(.com) you don’t own any of what you put on there. Even if you have a “copyright” notice placed somewhere on there. They have the right to use your blog however they see fit and even take it down without notice. And that just doesn’t sit well with me. So after giving it some thought I decided that this switch is something that I would really like to do. Of course, I’ll have to save for it. But I’m hoping that I can make the transition sometime in the new year. A goal, if you will? So, we’ll see. 

And this seems like a good stopping point for now. Today was such a long day, and all I can think about is eating pizza in my PJ’s right now. Clearly, carbs are calling my name. However, I’ve started back up on a diet because I stupidly agreed to another weight loss competition. So, salad it shall be! Anyway, I hope this didn’t give you too much whiplash. Until the next post! Byyyyeee!

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Wordless Wednesday

Writing Prompt // Stars

Write about the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word "stars".

Just like the ocean, the night sky has this weirdly incredible effect on me. On how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking. It’s like I’m floating every time I look up at it and I find myself tempted to grab ahold of something in order to ground myself. I want to ask everyone around me, “Do you feel that too? That pull? Do you feel it?” And I always have this urge to hold someone’s hand. To seek out someone’s touch, their comfort, and then watch as the sky gradually lightens. Changing from black to purple to pink to orange to blue. I want them to feel that thing. That indescribable, almost overwhelming, rush of pure emotion. To be fully aware of every breath. I want them to see the stars and the endless possibilities that they can represent. I want them to feel that same lightness in their chest that I feel in mine. I want them to experience that love - love, for everyone around them at that moment. To find peace in the stillness. And I want them to have that immense feeling  of joy wash over them the same way that I do.  

Someone softly exclaimed, “Look at all of the stars,” as the porch light was turned off. It was pretty hot outside that night. Even at 9pm when the sun was completely gone. It had been a long day filled with family and friends. A last-minute trip and a lot of laughs. Tired from the adventures of the day, but not yet ready for it to come to an end, I walked several feet out into the yard and looked up. Constellations with no names, a moon that seemed to touch the tops of trees, and stars that flickered brightly. “I wonder what that one is…?” I questioned out loud as I pointed at the brightest speck of light that I could see. I immediately started searching for Orion's belt, the north star, and the big dipper. With a bit of confusion as to which direction they would be in I realized at that moment that it had been some time since I had truly looked up. Since I had sat down to appreciate just how small I was compared to the universe. Every night there’s this amazing mixture of color that covers the entire sky. A black, blue, and purple blanket with what looks like silver glitter that’s been scattered out across it. But it stretches on and on forever. Some of the sparkles fade while others get brighter. Some of them fall and then disappear without a trace. Almost as if they had never existed in the first place. It's the cycle of life playing out in the stars.  

That night, as I made my way over to a clearing in a field nearby, I felt perfectly happy. I swayed and twirled around; arms outstretched. When I finally stopped spinning I closed my eyes with a giggle. "I want to feel like this more often," I thought to myself. As I took in a deep breath, steadying myself, I could hear footsteps heading in my direction. They slowly came to a stop in front of me and I immediately caught the scent of eucalyptus and mint. “You look really happy right now,” the voice quietly stated. “It’s that pull you're always talking about, isn’t it?” they asked. I grinned as I nodded in response. Tilting my head back I slowly let out the breath I had been holding and began to open my eyes. As I finally brought my gaze back down I felt slightly different. A new perspective racing through my thoughts. And then there they were, those same stars I had seen up in the sky, shining brightly back at me. Making me feel grounded and weightless all at once. I slowly started to back away, and with a smile spreading across my face, I quietly whispered, “Now do you see what I mean?”

📸by Sleep Music on Unsplash

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Wordless Wednesday

"I'm Going to Miss Her Smile"

As I was sitting here getting ready to type up a post last night about the things I was grateful for, my way of starting the month off on a positive, I received a phone call from my daughter’s school. It was a Monday evening, and of course, I thought it was just a recording. I almost didn’t answer it. However, when I did pick up the phone it wasn’t a recording. It was the principal who was calling to inform all of the parents in my daughter’s class that a classmate had died over the weekend. And briefly, everything stopped. 

“Oh, no.” - “Can you tell me who it was? Do you know if she was a friend of my daughter’s? What can we do?” All of these words stumbled out of my mouth. But due to privacy reasons, they weren’t allowed to say much. Just that the students would be informed in the morning, and that they would have grief counselors available in case they wanted to speak to someone. “Th-thank you. Thank you for letting me know.” I let out before hanging up the phone. I closed the laptop, and quietly stood just outside of Em’s room. I could hear her working on her science kit with the TV on and moving around on her bed. “She’s going to be okay,” I mentally told myself. And instead of returning to my blog draft I just spent the rest of our evening keeping myself busy. Distracted. 

Sadly, this is not the first tragedy in our town involving a child. However, this is the first tragedy involving a young child that my daughter personally knew. A little girl that my daughter sat next to and interacted with on a daily basis. Since I didn’t know who the child was I didn’t know exactly how this would affect her. Was it her newly minted BFF of homeroom? Was it a child in another POD that she didn’t really speak to but had to do labs with? Was it someone she played with during recess or had exchanged “back to school” bracelets with on the first day of school? There were so many unanswered questions that I honestly wasn’t sure what to tell her. So, I didn’t. Instead, I let her have an uninterrupted evening of science kits, Raising Hope, a great big bowl of her favorite fruit, and then let her make a “later night” run to the Dollar Store with her dad to grab some craft supplies on a school night. She came back with her "loot" all smiles and giggles. Sleepily she informed me that she was ready for bed; for school the next day. And so, I tucked her in. I watched her fall asleep; her chest rising up slowly. 

Then this morning, I became THAT mom. The one who asked to speak with the counselor and teachers before classes started. I asked questions about how this matter would be addressed and whether parents were allowed to be with their children when they were given the news. We weren’t. I let them know that I wasn’t concerned about knowing names or details. I just wanted to make sure that I could be there for my little girl in case she struggled with the news. I wanted her to hear from me, that she could cry or not. That she could feel sad, shocked, or neither. That she could ask for comfort and to speak with any of the grief counselors that were available to her about whatever she needed to get off of her chest. Or, if none of that applied to her, that it was perfectly okay too. “That is absolutely wonderful, and yes we can definitely send her in when we are done giving the news to the children,” the principal told me as I sat down in the office. A second teacher came over and gently squeezed my arm, “I’m so glad that you’re here for Emery.” 

About ten minutes later the children all walked out into the hall. Some seemed okay while others were sobbing. Teachers were crying and some kids were hugging each other. As I watched through the glass window that separated the main office from the school I swallowed the lump in my throat. When I stood up, in walked Emery, and she immediately came in for a hug. She let me know who it was, and she sat in my lap quietly. This little girl was a fairly new friend she told me. Someone, she was just barely getting to know. A little girl that she played with because another friend had introduced them, inviting her into their little circle on the second day of school. We talked for a few minutes and I told her that however she was feeling was okay. I told her exactly what I had told the teacher earlier. As she clung to me I gave her a hug and a kiss on the top of her head. I asked her if she felt okay, and she nodded her head. With one last hug, we walked out of the room, and she was led back to her class. Looking back and blowing kisses before rounding the corner.  

It wasn’t until later that morning when she finally cried, she told me on our car ride home. “Mom, I still can’t believe that she’s gone. I’m really going to miss her smile. And her laugh. But mostly her smile in the mornings. Momma, I’m really going to miss her.” And I told her to hold onto those memories. I told her to remember all of the good that her new friend had already brought into her life in such a short time. To remember that smile and think happy thoughts when she was feeling sad. "It's okay to feel sad," I said. "We just need to say a little prayer for her, and for her family, my love. And just remember that someday, you'll get to see her again... " --   

Wordless Wednesday

Write Now // Pretty Pointless

This is going to be a pretty pointless post. A post containing some pretty inconsequential things happening right now that I just really want to tell someone (anyone) about. Things that don’t really matter and aren't a huge deal. It's a post containing the “not-so-deep” stuff going on right now. The random, who gives a shit, stuff. I honestly won’t be offended at all if you choose to skip it. Because it probably won’t flow or make sense. You’ll probably start reading and then three sentences in, think, “Whhhyyy is she even wasting her time writing about this?” But whatever. Sometimes things get really boring. Such is life. So, here we go. 

This was actually written on Saturday (8/24). I found myself with a little extra time and thought that I should put it to some good blogging use. Lately, I’ve had these bursts of writing motivation. I find myself wanting to share and write more about our life. My life. Because the word vomit needs out, y'all. However, school just started back up again and once September comes around Em will start all of her after school activities again. Talk about great timing, right? So now, I find myself having to decide on what nights/mornings I want to dedicate a few (read: single) hour of my time to writing. Five AM comes really early and ten PM gets here before I’ve even finished my daily evening chores. I’m also wanting to shift my posting schedule around starting next month. If my compulsive need to have things “even” will actually allow for it. I’m going to try my best to stick with a T W F S schedule for the month of September just to see if I can do it. If it doesn’t work out then I’ll revert back to the usual M W F S posts for October. We’ll see how it goes. 

Last week I purchased a new planner, “The Happy Planner Classic -  Stay Wild” to replace the small one that I had bought for like $3 back at the end of July. Originally, I really wanted to get the bigger one but my budget just didn’t allow for it. Still, the “classic” is worth every damn penny in my opinion, and it’s a decent size too. You can easily customize it, snag some cool stickers, and add filler pages if you want. It’s always been in my nature to seek out a routine and establish a schedule once school is in session. I color code everything, and the weekends are broken down into hourly sections because that’s my only window to get household things done. And this planner allows for ALL of that and then some. It's also REUSABLE - which was basically the main selling point for me. Once I got the first two months all jotted down I instantly felt this relief wash over me and my brain didn’t feel so chaotic anymore. Anxiety, am I right? So, if you’re anything like me I definitely recommend you look into these lovely little lifesavers. And no, this is not a sponsored post. I just really freakin’ love my planner. 

In other news, my lawn is a mess. The dogs started howling just now and I went to take a peek. As I walked out on the porch it gave me a chance to really have a good hard look at the state of my backyard. And damn does it need some work. But it’s been so hot lately & I don’t wanna. The grass is pretty much dead, with the exception of weeds. I told myself I would mow the lawn today, but we had one random ass rainstorm come through overnight so everything is still wet. It was glorious and refreshing, but the humidity this morning sucked. Fall is also right around the corner so it’s a little late for me to start looking into plants. Plus the dogs would just destroy anything I put out there anyway. But as I sit here looking out the window, the back yard clearly screaming at me to do something, I kind of just want to pay someone to rip it all out. I’m officially over the upkeep it requires. Any suggestions as to what I could “replace” it with? I’m all ears, y’all. I already have a ton of other things on my plate right now so if I can have one less...then sign me up!   

Alright, that’s enough torture for today. If you made it this far, congratulations! I told you there would be nothing of importance in this post. I'm sorry? Next week will hopefully be better. This will be our first full week of trying to get our daily routine down. Then we find out exactly what Emery's afterschool schedule will look like for the rest of the year. Here's hoping for an easy, breezy, first semester. Also, I recently reactivated my Pinterest account and who would have thought that it would contain some pretty awesome writing inspiration? Color me freakin' surprised. So, here's to actually having some stuff for you to read soon! Now, please accept this picture that has absolutely nothing to do with this post as my way of saying, "Thank you for sticking with my random, inconsistent, ass." I hope you don't feel too gypped after making it all of the way to the end. Okay, byyyyeeee! 

Wordless Wednesday

Currently - August 2019

I feel like August has been flying by. Emery starts school this week, and soon after we’re back to creating a pretty structured schedule. With very little wiggle room. And as much as I love having a set routine, I also love being able to toss everything out of the window and just lounge in our jammies while binge-watching Stranger Things. Now, in just a few days it’ll be back to rearranging work out days, evenings filled with homework, reading lists, and after school activities. It will be back to having early bedtimes and early mornings. And I'm just not ready. But before I go down the rabbit hole of all the bummers that come with school starting back up again how about we just get into the "currently" post for the month instead? Okay? Okay. 

Playing:  Lately, music has not been a HUGE part of my day-to-day. Instead, it’s been replaced with podcasts. Now, I’m planning on writing a podcast post every few months or so to kind of highlight some of the ones I find really interesting. I want to write a bit more in-depth on some of the subject matter that’s caught my attention, and talk about some of my favorite shows as well as why they’re my favorites. But for today’s post, I just want to throw out a podcast that has caught my interest: Certifiably Catholic. The description states: Each episode a Catholic priest, stay at home mom, and a husband/parish minister discuss how we strive for heaven in the midst of this crazy life. Lately, my need to learn more and practice my faith has been at the front of my mind. And honestly, it was actually set off after listening to one of CC’s episodes. So, if you’re Catholic and interested in listening to some of today’s topics discussed from three different points of views/vocations, then I highly recommend that you check them out. If you’re not Catholic, but curious to know a bit more about us then I also recommend that you give these guys a listen. You can start here.

Reading: Poetry has been my poison of choice lately when it comes to reading. I’ve gone through some of r.h. Sin’s work as well as some of r.m. drake’s. “Milk and Honey” by Rupi Kaur was finally purchased, and y’all it’s definitely a must-read if you’re going through a breakup or dealing with relationship issues due to the trauma left behind from sexual assault. I’ve actually been a fan of her work for a while now and bought “The Sun and Her Flowers” when it was released. However, that collection is focused more on the healing and moving forward. I still re-read it anyway. And last week I finally received the “In My Feelings Vol. I” bundle from r.m. drake. It’s a set of four books, limited release, and I just started on the first one this past Sunday. So far, I’ve not been disappointed in any of these authors.    

Watching: I recently had a marathon viewing session of “Peaky Blinders” in order to catch up before season five comes out stateside this October. I’ve got about four more episodes to go which I’ll probably finish up next week. Then there’s been the unexpectedly enthralling, “Euphoria” over on HBO. The description for this show states: Euphoria follows a group of high school students as they navigate love and friendships in a world of drugs, sex, trauma, and social media. Now, this one caught me way off guard, y’all. It also caused me a bit of discomfort due to it being a show about teenagers that have all kinds of sex and use a crap ton of drugs. I had to keep reminding myself that these actors were all over 20 years old. And I know that this is not a new concept for a TV show, but sometimes it gets rough. Now, none of the subject matter was new to me and some of it I had been through myself when I was a teenager. It was just really weird seeing it from a different point of view now that I’m older and a mother. I kept asking myself if drugs were really that easy to come by back in our teenage years? Was sex really viewed as something to “get over” before heading off to college or graduating high school? While watching Euphoria I really started to think about some of the situations I had allowed myself to get into during my younger years. And it also reminded me of how much we, as a society, have changed in these past fourteen years. It's a bit of a trip if you really sit back and look at it. So yea, if angsty teenagers navigating the waters of what we like to call high school during a time when social media makes being invisible nearly impossible, piques your interest then by all means...watch this show. 

And that concludes the currently for this month. If you have any other suggestions be sure to drop me a line either here, or any of my other social media pages. Links are all at the top. I'm always on the lookout for new artists, films, or books so I'm totally open to recommendations. Until the next post, Happy Tuesday night folks! 

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Wordless Wednesday

5 AM - Wednesday

Technically, it's Wednesday (8/14) as I write this. Yesterday, I worked on a post until almost midnight and hit publish. Only, as I laid in bed tossing around for about an hour, I realized I wasn't ready for that post to go up. I wasn't ready to be that open again. So, I got up at 1 AM and reverted it back to a draft. It just didn't feel right to me. Or maybe, it just needed to be polished a bit more? I don't know exactly what my issue was about the words I had thrown together but I didn't feel good about them. So here I am, 5 AM on Wednesday, creating something completely different. 

Lately, it seems like time has just been slipping away. I make plans for the day, with every intention of being productive, but by the time 9 PM rolls around, I feel like I barely got anything accomplished. The demands of the day have pulled me into so many directions and I just haven't been able to keep up with it all. It makes me envious of those parents who can run on about four or five hours of sleep. What's your secret people, seriously? It's hard for me to juggle being a present parent 24/7, working full-time, completely household chores, finding time for self-care, carving out an hour to work out, doing my therapy reading/worksheets, reading, working a side job on most Saturday's, writing, going to church, and still managing to have us in bed by 10 PM on the regular. There just never seems to be enough hours in the day, y'all! As I lay in bed on most nights, I just feel like I've failed at the majority of those things I had set out to do. I look back and realize that I wasn't even able to completely cross off one thing on my daily list. But I close my eyes and tell myself I'll do better. I tell myself that the next day I'll be more productive. I'll get more done. And I'll find some way to squeeze more time out of the day. 

What hit me as I woke up this morning, was the word, "STOP". The alarm went off, and my mind was screaming at me to slow down. Breathe. Remove the clutter I keep dragging back into my life and start working on what I really LOVE. So, that's what I plan on doing. What I plan to work on for the rest of the week. Decluttering my life- making more space for the things that I find truly important. I had already done it once before but I was slowly bringing everything back in again. It's as if I was telling myself, "Okay, you're doing better now so it's okay to bring back this packed schedule of meaningless bullshit and distractions." This morning though, as I sat here thinking of what I wanted to write, did it actually dawn on me how stupid that really was. I'm doing better because I got rid of things, people, and made time for what was important to me. Which means that all of that stuff needed to stay gone. There's no room for it here anymore. And if I really want to take care of myself, if I really want to find a way to move forward in my life, then I need to stop. 

Otherwise, I'll just slip right back into my depression. I'll end up stuck in my grieving process. I'll end up holding onto all of the things that I should let go of. I'll be back on my medication within a year, and feeling unhappy. "You can't expect different results without change," as the saying goes. And I'll have made absolutely no progress in anything. Remaining stuck. Everything will just be these half-assed versions of what I wanted to accomplish. Things I promised but never actually fulfilled. Goals I set but never even attempted. I'll be a shell of a mother that missed out on so many things because she was distracted or constantly needing to be "fixed". And that's not what I want, y'all. So, here's to changes. Here's to removing the bullshit. Here's to being more present with the people in my life. To putting the phone down. Again. Setting healthy boundaries and working on controlling my emotions. Here's to being the best mom that I can be, while also understanding that nobody is perfect so I shouldn't be so damn hard on myself. And here's to getting back to living life. To being positive and looking forward to my days. Here's to letting the light back in. 

Wordless Wednesday