Letting Go of a Place

Photo by Pin Adventure Map on Unsplash

Written on 12.17.25 

When I was a teenager, I had these big dreams of living in a big city. I wanted to see other parts of the world, too. Now, as an adult, while I would love to see other parts of the world, I’m most comfortable in the country. My entire life has been spent here in this area. Minus that one year I lived in California. My family was here. It was a small town with a strong community. Everyone knew everyone else. Crime was very low. And honestly, I have enjoyed being here. It’s familiar. It’s safe. It’s HOME.

Then, a few months ago, our landlord had a mental health crisis. Not their first. And while I won’t get into too much detail, the police did get involved. It was recommended that we stay elsewhere for a few nights and then return later once they had gotten some help. We were lucky to have a place to stay for the week, and we spent those days living out of a duffel bag. The whole ordeal was super disruptive to say the least. But this forced us to start looking into the long term. My husband and I took the week to talk about our lives. What was our goal? Did we still see a future here? What did we really have left in this town? If we did move, where would we go? How would a move impact the kids? How would this impact us, financially and in our lives overall?

In the end, we came to the conclusion that nothing was holding us here. The cost of living has almost doubled, and it’s still climbing. The job market has not kept up, and while I make a decent amount, I could be making more elsewhere. My parents moved 1 ½ hours away. His dad and stepmom live 3 ½ hours away. This community is no longer small, and it’s projected to grow quite a bit in the next 5 years. While it is relatively safe, drugs and alcohol are everywhere. Though I doubt that’s different anywhere else. And as we sat there listing the pros and cons of whether to stay or go, I realized that the only thing holding us here was nostalgia. And a healthy dose of fear that comes from having to start all over. Nineteen-year-old me would have probably been packed and ready to go. Thirty-eight-year-old, mother of two, me is looking around in panic. Because what do you mean, I have to uproot everything and try to figure out life in a very unfamiliar place?

Now, by the time we returned to our house, we were all in agreement that it would be best for us to move. Where? We haven’t determined that yet. It will honestly depend on jobs. Though we have about 3 locations in mind. Ideally, we’d like to get our financial situation sorted out first. And I’d like to have some time to job hunt before going anywhere. I’d also like to wait until Emery finishes the school year. All of that said, we haven’t ruled out staying in this area completely. Maybe going a few towns over, or so. But we do want to leave our current location. We want to have a fresh start somewhere. Preferably still close to our families. Though a job offer was extended to my husband in South Texas, we haven't completely declined. In the end, we’ll do what’s best for our family. But HERE is no longer a place we’re tied to. And while there’s grief in that, there’s also excitement.

So, What Now?

The more time I spend at my new job the more I feel like I screwed up by taking it. The phrase, “you don’t know what you have until it’s gone” comes to mind. Now, that’s not to say that my time at this new job is making me realize that my previous place of employment was all unicorns and rainbows. Because it wasn’t and it’s not. Eventually, they will need to hire a Human Resource employee to help iron out some issues. They will also need to hire people who won’t disclose confidential information. The work environment that is cultivated will also need to be addressed. And that’s just to start. So, it's definitely far from perfect.

But what they offered in a weird way, was this odd form of openness. When people were mad or upset at each other - it was usually brought to light. When someone tried to throw someone else under the bus, the person being accused was given plenty of time to stick up for themselves, retrace their steps if necessary, and prove what the problem was or WHY something was missed. At times when I was subjected to this and found that I was at fault - I was given the opportunity to fix it or make it right. If someone was being rude or spiteful - you knew it. And I could, for the most part, navigate it that type of behavior because I knew it was happening. Here at the university, it’s like a bunch of temporary alliances that easily flip because in the end “it’s every man for himself”. There’s a good amount of micromanaging. And you really have to watch what you say. I’ve also witnessed some gossip and bashing coming directly from someone who is supposed to be a leader. What is allowed to be said about others has been disheartening too. And it’s definitely caused me to question the intention of those around me.

In recent days it’s really hit me just how much I gave up by coming here too. I’ve questioned myself almost every afternoon - “Was it worth it?” And right now, the answer for me is “Yes, but no.” When I said yes to this job it was because I was given a completely different picture of what it would be. I felt that if I sacrificed some of the things I had - it would be okay in the long run because there was room for me to move under the University's umbrella eventually. And I thought that the work environment wouldn’t be so toxic. So, after talking with Corey - we agreed it was worth it to make the leap and have me work my way back up. This meant that I would be giving up a lot of benefits, and basically starting over. Which is kind of a scary thing to do when you're 35, with a family, and really do need certain benefits. And while I do have a small amount of flexibility in my schedule - there’s a procedure for requesting every little thing. And at the time of this posting, the remote option for emergencies - isn't even on the table anymore.

It's true that I walked away from a semi-toxic work environment, but I also walked away from 120 hours of PTO/sick leave. A pretty stellar insurance package. Some flexibility in my schedule. Overtime. And being a smaller company - there was a lot more I had control over in my day-to-day. There were a few things I wanted to have, like an at-home setup for emergencies but that was never negotiable. Because that particular perk was only granted to specific people. And for me, raises were few and far between - which wasn’t great. And of course, the toxic behavior was never really taken care of - in fact, some people were allowed to encourage it. Still, the progress I had made there was 12 years worth. Twelve years of highs and lows - both professionally and personally. Twelve years of growth - both professionally and personally. So much time and effort that I’m proud of. Looking back on it now, I'm questioning my own motives and thought process for accepting a position that took away a good amount of what I had worked so hard for. 

So, now what? Well, that’s a good question. My previous manager had told me that if I didn’t like it here I could go back. But I’m not sure I would want to go back into the role I was in. Some duties were great, but others were pushed onto me. Some were delegated to me so that certain people could do nonwork-related things on company time. And I was slowly being pushed into being an accounting clerk which is not what I wanted. So, I’m not sure if there’s anything else that I could do for them other than the job I left behind. But I did tell him I would check in after 30 days and let him know how I felt.  However, even if that conversation doesn't lead to anything, I've still made up my mind that this is not where I will stay. 

After talking with Corey and really reflecting on how I feel, I've decided that after the holiday break, I'll start looking at open positions in other divisions as well as looking for jobs outside of the university. While I'm here I will learn as much as I can and I'll help alleviate the workload of the person who is training me because I intended to do the job I was hired to do as long as I am here. I also want to make the most of my experience. Having said that, I did make it known to the main two people I work with directly that since the job I was hired to do was transitioning into something else entirely - I would not be staying in this role. Because that is not the role I want long term. And I guess that's another thing this experience has provided for me. The ability to figure out what I want, and what I don’t in a job. While the price I paid to come to this realization feels pretty hefty, I'm still glad that I did it. Because now I know what's important to me. What I consider non-negotiable. And what I personally want out of a job going forward. 

Work Matters // A Different Chapter

Back in August, I applied for a position in the Division of Institutional Advancement at our local university. Someone told me to give it a shot just to see what was out there - so I did. After a month I realized I wouldn’t be getting a call so I pushed it out of my mind. Then September came along and after an incident at work between two coworkers I was asked if I wanted to take on the position of Executive Assistant. While I didn’t feel like I was qualified, I said that I was open to talking more about it because it is my end goal. Well, I started doing some research on what some of the basic requirements were. I looked into training workshops both in person and virtual. Then after a few texts here and there about the job, and some questions about calendars - everything stalled.

October arrived and with it a phone call from the university to come in and speak with members of the division. After a panel interview, I was contacted a week later and they let me know that I didn’t get the job. I was totally fine with it because after the interview I knew that I couldn’t afford to take the position. The starting pay was too low and I didn’t want to take that big of a pay cut. However, that phone call led to an invitation to meet with the President of a different division. I met with other members and we spoke about my thoughts on the school and being a student. They asked me about my work history, and the role I currently had. They explained that a new position was being created but they weren’t in a huge rush to fill it. Just checking out prospects. I thanked them for their consideration, grabbed some TSU swag, and was on my way.

At the end of October, a coworker of mine suddenly passed away. By this point, all thoughts of the interview that happened earlier in the month went away. This loss was unexpected and we focused on helping the family in whatever way we could. On the business side, as we entered into November we started finalizing the details for the company Christmas party and prepping for all of the end-of-year stuff. I had already put in my time off for the holiday so I wanted to make sure I was on track to wrap up what I needed to by the time we closed for the holidays. I had discussed my Spring class schedule with my boss and I felt good about how we were ending the year. Then I received a phone call with a job offer from the non-profit associated with the university. And while I wouldn’t qualify for the certain benefits that regular employees receive, everything else was included. They told me to think it over, and to give them an answer by the end of the next day. So, what did I do? Well, I went to my boss - who has been a great boss and a really good friend. We've been through a lot in the time I've been there. So, after a discussion with him - then a lot of anxiety, I went home that afternoon and accepted the offer. 

My last day was 11.18.22 and with it came a lot of emotions. Sadness, and hope. Excitement for a new adventure. And more sadness. I was in a position where I wouldn't be able to go any further, and I felt like I wanted more. I wanted to give something new a try. This new opportunity would allow me to test out those waters. It would allow me to see if I could handle working in a business professional setting. And to see if it could help me achieve that Executive Assistant dream job. So, on 11.21 I walked through the doors of a new building, wearing some more professional attire than jeans and a t-shirt, and I felt ready to tackle whatever was placed in front of me. Or so I thought...

Letting Go of Family & Gaining More

Back in November of last year, I published a post about how it felt to feel like I was being “replaced” by my ex-husband’s family. To realize that the spot usually reserved for me in their lives, in their homes, was no longer mine. At the time, it was just that, me writing it out. The fear of all of those losses at once was magnifying my anxiety. I also wrote about hoping that once the dust settled that they’d at least still want to be active in my daughter’s life. After I wrote it all out, I left it there on those pages and went about my life like normal. Well, unfortunately, my fears weren’t entirely unfounded. 

All of these feelings and changes were surfacing around the same time that I was testing out the dating waters. I was learning how to put up boundaries and enforce them. Thanksgiving and Christmas went as well as they possibly could. And then for New Years, some of my ex-husband’s relatives from California came for a visit. Oddly, and of course with a bit of drama, there was this nagging feeling of “this is the last time” that tugged at my heart their entire stay. One night in particular we were all having dinner, talking in the kitchen as we took trips down memory lane. I was excited about my new relationship. I was grateful that co-parenting was becoming easier. I laughed with my ex-husband for the first time in what had seemed like forever. I watched my daughter play with her cousins. I drank a glass of wine for old times sake. As I sat there I remember thinking that everything was going to be okay. On the last day of their visit I gave each of them a long hug goodbye and told them that I loved them. Then, my daughter and I gathered our things and headed home. 

Months went by. I would reach out to see how everyone was doing. But it was never reciprocated. The last time we saw my daughter’s great-grandmother was for her birthday in April. We dropped off a gift at her work and spoke briefly. It was then that I could really feel things getting distant. Then my ex spiraled and was involved in two car accidents within days of each other. Shortly afterwards, his girlfriend gave birth to their baby boy. Making Emery an official big sister. And soon after the baby’s arrival, everyone besides my ex sister-in-law stopped communicating with me. Though we are all still friends on certain social media platforms there’s no interaction. And what I’m learning from all of this is that you can hope all that you want for things to be great between yourself and family after a divorce. You can even try your hardest to keep those relationships going for the sake of your child. But in the end, it has to be a two-way street for it to work. And sadly, that hasn’t been the case for us. 

Back at the end of May I stopped trying to arrange for visits or dinners because of the vague “plan to make plans” responses that never went further. Now we’re four months down the road and my daughter has stopped asking about them. With the exception of one and a few from out of state. Her dad has not exercised any of his visitation since June. Though he does call or FaceTime from time to time and has said that he’ll try to attend our family counseling sessions going forward. And she hasn’t seen her little brother in just as long. Now, at first, I was angry over all of this. We had been a part of this family for over ten years. How dare they just toss us to the side. I mean, I could understand the reason for my being excommunicated, but not my daughter. I expected more of an effort. I expected them to at least try to keep a relationship with her going. I expected them to care a bit more. To want more. Then, one afternoon while my brother and sister were down for a visit, my mother asked me if my ex had seen our daughter lately. My response opened up another conversation and as we all discussed what had been happening with that side of the family my mother thoughtfully said, “Sometimes, these things are for the best. God knows why he’s taking them out of y’alls lives. Maybe it’s better this way?” After discussing things a bit more we all agreed that what my mom was saying was right. 

If I were being honest, nothing had really changed from before. The only time we ever saw that side of the family (those in Texas) was over the holiday’s. Even though we all lived within fifteen minutes of each other. So, what was the difference, really? Nothing. And if effort was never put forth before then, why would it be now? Well, it wouldn’t. And y’all, my daughter and I have more than enough family and love to go around. Not only do we have my side of the family but we’re also gaining my partner’s family too. And they’ve been so wonderful to the both of us! My daughter gets to spend plenty of time with my parents and also with my partner’s parents. She’s spending time with the boys she calls her “step-brothers”, and their combined love for adventures has them outdoors being kids. The changes I’m seeing in her because of these new familial relationships have been very positive, and welcomed. 

Now, I know that my daughter is too young to really understand any of this, but one day she will. One day she’ll see who was actually making an effort to be a part of her life. And if by that time, nothing has changed then, it really is their loss. We'll keep in touch with those that want to, and the ones that don't - I wish them well. In the meantime, my daughter's gaining more family. She’s constantly learning new things. She’s being cared for and loved. So, in letting some people out of our lives, we’ve been blessed with many more. Our village is growing and I’m no longer angry. We’re doing really, really well. We’re moving forward. But most importantly, we’re happy. With or without them. We're happy.

Monday Inspiration - Choosing

Happy Monday, y’all! I hope everyone had a wonderful Father’s Day. I did my best to stay off of social media over the weekend, because well, anytime I log on it’s just more negativity. People are so hyper-focused on the election, Trump, racism, the BLM movement, police brutality, or taking down statues. And then, there’s a heated debate on just about every single topic underneath the sun. It’s almost as if people have forgotten that we aren’t all the same? All of these narratives being tossed around lately have been really draining these past few weeks.

So, instead of getting lost down that rabbit hole for what seems like the hundredth time, I did my best to enjoy the weekend with the people I love most in this world. And today I'm choosing to see the good in humanity. I’m choosing to believe that all of this turmoil will create a positive change. Hopefully, it will also teach us all a valuable lesson too. And I'm choosing to give thanks. 

Today, I’m doing my best to lean on my faith during this time. Because, no matter what, I’m Catholic first. During these chaotic times, our church is calling for us to listen to others. We are being called to pray for the world; for our brothers and sisters. We are being called to extend grace and request it for ourselves as well because we are far from perfect. So, today, I'm choosing to sit back silently and learn. I’m choosing to make an effort in seeing the good.

October Magick

This is my month, y’all! This is the month that brings a sense of renewal for me. It’s a time when the leaves start to change and the weather gets cooler. It’s a time when there’s a bit of magick in the air and everything feels heightened. It’s a time when I can actually start to see the progress I’ve made (or haven’t made) in the year. There’s always been this energy and excitement that comes with October for me, and somehow I got really lucky because Emery shares that same joy. There’s an extra bit of sparkle and a little bit of spooky in our day-to-day that makes this month so much fun for her. This morning she hopped out of bed with excitement in her eyes and a wide smile. “Mom! It’s October 1st!” she said. “It’s here, baby girl, it’s here!” I replied as I rushed to put mousse in my hair with one hand and brush my teeth with the other. We were running a little late so the excitement was a tad short-lived. But how cool is it to be able to share that feeling with your kid, huh? We both absolutely love this time of year!

via GIPHY

Most of our outside Halloween decorations are up. I also had an impulse buy and got “The Nightmare Before Christmas” themed light projector for our living room. I need to grab a few decorations for my alter next week and I think I’ll be set for the month. We have a whole selection of movies picked out that we’ll be watching throughout the month too. I’ve finally decided on reading “The Vine Witch” while Emery has picked, “Small Spaces” by Katherine Arden. I’m stocked up on hot teas and we’re looking at several “Halloween” themed crafts to do for the month. Plus, the new animated Addams Family movie comes out next Friday and we’re going to see it sometime next weekend. I’m hoping to get at least one night hike squeezed in this month or at the very least a day trip to Dinosaur Valley. Fingers crossed! 

Those aren’t the only things that we’ll be doing though. As much as I enjoy the scary, haunting, and magickal side of October, this year on the Catholic side, we’ll be celebrating the “Month of the Holy Rosary”. This is my first year of being back with my church. I technically haven’t met all of the requirements to be considered a “practicing Catholic” I’m doing my best. And this month is dedicated to one of the most powerful prayers that we have. Most people will commit to praying the rosary every day during this month, which is a beautiful thing. However, I’m not quite there yet. So for me, I’ve decided that I’ll try my best to pray the rosary at least once a week. Ideally, I'd like to recite it before bed on Sunday, but we’ll see how it goes. I still have a lot to learn but this has actually been a very interesting journey in rediscovering my faith. I'm pretty happy about my progress so far. 

Now, I know I stated before that I was looking for a second job. Well, I still am and I’ve sent in my application to a company in town that has a part-time seasonal opening. Regardless of whether I get the job or have to continue my search I still plan on doing as much as I can with Emery. If that means cutting out everything else I have going on then that’s a sacrifice I'm more than willing to make. Because Emery comes first for me, and I only get her at this age for so long. I want to experience all of this October Magick with my baby girl for as many years as I can get. If that means making sacrifices in other areas of my life to get it, then that's what I'll do. But we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Until then, Happy October everyone! May it bring you as much joy as it does to us. 👻

Some Goals For the New Year

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and a happy New Year's Day! I had a wonderful time being off, and just getting to spend whole days with my little. Honestly, there's nothing better than those cuddles, and days spent in PJ's. All of that goodness aside, I've also been thinking a lot about the future. Reflecting on what's important to me. Thinking about the things that I want to accomplish, things that I'd like to attain, and weight goals that I'm wanting to reach. I've been thinking about changes I want to implement in my life, and how I want to focus more on my family. On being a good mom. I want to opt outside more and embark on some of the adventures Emery has been wanting to go on. The past year was a bit of a rocky one for us, and it's taken a lot for me to finally feel like we're finally getting settled. I also feel like I'm making some real progress in living a life that I want. A good life. One that isn't constant stress, anxiety, and struggle. One that will benefit my daughter in a positive and healthy way. So, what better time than now to start putting those long-term changes into motion? No more "just thinking" about them it's time to start doing.

For 2019 I have four main goals I'd like to focus on. The first goal is to get myself a vehicle. Since Beau had that accident with the deer and the car was considered a total loss I let him have my vehicle. He needed one, and my parents have allowed me to use one of theirs for the meantime. He has stated that he will be giving it back as soon as he can get another one up and running. His work isn't consistent during the winter so it's easier for me to be the one who saves money in order to put a down payment down on a vehicle. I have my heart set on two particular ones that I would love to get, and either of them would be great for when Emery starts driving too. Yes, I'm thinking that far ahead. So, God willing, I'm able to save a good chunk in the next two months to be able to afford one or the other. 

The second goal I have is to explore more trails and national/state parks. I'd also like to finally summit a mountain by the end of the year. I may even consider attempting Wheeler Peak again. I know that I can do it, and even if it takes me a whole day I want to see the view from a mountaintop. But first, I want to explore some more. I want to take Emery on more of those outdoor adventures she's been asking to go on. I'd also like to finally take her on that California vacation I've been promising for the past three years. Each year started with the financial ability to do so, but there was always something that would come up. Now, I may not be able to afford a whole week, but maybe we can head out for a weekend. The last time we were out there she was barely walking, and she's constantly asking me when we'll go back. She tells me she's wanting to be able to go and actually remember the visit this time. To remember the ocean. So, I'm praying that this year I'll finally be able to give her that experience.

The third goal for the year is to do away with the majority of social media. I recently went through my accounts and deleted/unfriended people that I haven't been in communication with in a few years. I unfollowed pages, celebrities, and inactive accounts. I plan to narrow it down even farther over the weekend too. I'm just so tired of all the noise, you know? I get that a lot of these platforms are wonderful, help spread our words, and keep us in touch. But it can also be really harmful to our mental health. It can start to chip away at your self-esteem, and make you feel like everyone else in the world is living these perfect lives except for you. It can be divisive, and full of passive-aggressive racism. And while I totally have no issue with people expressing their opinions or outlooks because it's their right, I can choose to not give it my attention because that's my right. So, the end goal is to become less active on social media. I want to write more on my blog and finally get the camera I've been wanting for a while now in order to take pictures. I feel like this will help me limit my phone use as well. Fewer distractions and being more present. This year I want to focus more on writing and navigating this new chapter of my life. And I don't want to be dragged under by all of the negativity that you can find on social media. 

The fourth goal is weight based. I really would love to lose about 40 lbs this year. No fad diets, or weight loss supplements though. I don't mind having some pre-workout or protein shakes when needed, but nothing else. No keto or intermittent fasting. I want to start incorporating more fruits and vegetables into my diet. I also want to get on a consistent workout schedule again and make water my "go to" drink. I also want to be more aware of what I'm putting into my body. Emery's as well. Once I was given answers about my hormones and thyroid it really opened up my eyes to how much our food, and products play a role in them. I mean, I knew that a lot of the food and products we consume are harmful to us in the long term. I just didn't realize that it was playing such a huge part in my imbalances in the here and NOW. And even though, for me, the cost of products has always been a factor in what I choose to buy there were a few things that I was recently able to switch. Deodorant, facial products, and toothpaste. Pairing that with the vitamins and the topical treatments that my doctor instructed me to start I've felt much better overall. My energy is still on the lower side, but I was told that it would take a minimum of six months for my Vitamin D to fully replenish itself. On the physical side I recently had a small setback in the form of back problems. This is why I haven't been able to really hit the gym like I wanted to back at the beginning of December. But my chiropractor finally gave me the green light to start back up with low impact stuff for now. Once I'm back to feeling 100% I plan to make exercise a priority again.

Now, there are several other things I'd like to achieve this year too. I'd like to beat my last years' sales at work. I want to spend more time with my family. Those near and far. I want to finally get out of unnecessary debt, or at the very least get it down to about half. I have about $8,000 to go. I'd like to be able to afford vaccines, and flea treatments for both dogs consistently all year long. I want to repaint my living room, dining area, and kitchen if possible this Spring. I want to install new flooring into two of the rooms in my house that desperately need it. And maybe (fingers crossed) get a dishwasher installed. I want to learn how to cook authentic Mexican food. To learn and incorporate more of the Mexican traditions into our life as well. I also want to make my church a priority, and possibly get more involved with it. I've always had ideas on how they could improve the catechism class and ways for it to raise more funds for mission trips. I've had ideas on how to get younger people involved again, and ways to seek out some help from the students at our local university. I've just always felt like I was "too busy" to make the time or not "important enough" for anyone to listen to my ideas. Lately, I've felt this pull to finally speak up though. And this is just the beginning really. There's a lot more I'd like to achieve, or set into motion this year. There's a lot I want for us. I know that I may check several of these off of my list or none at all. But I at least want to start. I want to be working towards creating a better future for my family. Most importantly though, I really want 2019 to be a good one. I want it to be as healthy and happy as possible for all of us. 

Ready for November

October has come and gone. It feels like it didn’t last very long this year, y’all. As soon as the 31st passed it’s like all remnants of October were wiped away, and Christmas replaced it all. Fall is basically skipped which is sooo weird to me. To top it all off, Halloween this year was a bit of a bust for us. It rained basically all day, and even though we did get a few dry hours in the evening we weren’t able to bring the doggies with us. It was so muddy, and cold enough that Emery had to wear a jacket over her costume. Then there was a delay at the car rental office which caused us to miss getting to the nursing homes on time so we were disappointed about that too. Still, we made the best of it! Lemons into lemonade, and all that. We made our way through several neighborhoods, and by the end of the night Emery had a bucket full of candy and I had Starbucks in my hand. Win, win. 

And now it’s November! Last week, I forgot to schedule this post, which is why you’re getting it today. With a few edits. You see, on Thursday we had to wake up at 2 AM in order to go with my parents into the city for my dad’s surgery. What was supposed to be a two hour (max) procedure turned into almost four and a half. And I spent three days having to drive back and forth (5 hours round trip) before they finally released him. By the time we got back home on Saturday afternoon we were exhausted, and I barely had time to get on here. Sorry, guys! Anyway, my dad is now at home; resting. This passed weekend we had to do a few of his errands, and I was reminded of just how much we depend on him for things. So, I told him he’s not allowed to get sick or have surgery ever again. He’s just gunna have to suck it up. Ha! I'm kidding. Kind of. All of that aside, I’m glad that he’s feeling better, and the issue was fixed. They told him to take it easy for the next two weeks, but with his stubbornness it won’t be too long before he’s back at the gym with me. Even if it's just to boss me around. The man does not know how to stay at home and do nothing. But he wouldn't be the bad ass that he is if he didn't have that trait. 

So, that’s how our month started off. We also learned the fate of our car, which was more bad news. And then I found out that our health insurance “wellness” check-up no longer includes mental health or blood work. Just paps. There's so much wrong with this, but it's what you get when you have less than ideal health insurance. I can't complain though because our boss pays for it. Now, I know I need to get everything checked out, but when I was told the cost would be over $100 up front if I wanted to do the "full wellness" I just couldn't afford it. Can you believe that's how much a doctor's visit cost? So, it looks like I’ll have to hold off on all of this other stuff for now. And since I have no control over any of these things going on right now I'm just trying to roll with the punches. I know that everything happens for a reason so I’m choosing to stay positive about what's going on. Despite all of the setbacks I’m really looking forward to this new month though. I'm ready for the leaves to start turning colors, and for the cold weather that's supposed to start coming in. Hello, 50 degree days! I'm ready for you! I'm also excited for Thanksgiving, and the relatives who plan to come visit this year. Plus, hello, Hallmark Channel Christmas movies have started rolling out! So yea, I'm ready for November. I have a feeling it's going to be a good one. 

My Brother - My Hero Pt. II

When my brother was gifted his first G.I. Joe he became obsessed with the military. When he was in his early teens he would have basic training videos, and documentaries playing all of the time. Then he’d go out and try them himself. His DVD collection mainly consisted of military films. Any chance we had to visit the military surplus store in a town about an hour away we would. And one time he actually spent a week out in this field next to our house. "Preparing for basic training," he told me. He had a backpack, a twenty-two, a canteen of water, and some "light snacks" (which translated to beef jerky and Hershey's Cookies & Cream bars). By day four I had to threaten him with bodily harm if he didn't come inside to take a shower. It probably wasn't until he turned sixteen that the seriousness of it all really hit me. My brother was going to do this for real. He was going to join the military one day, and I wasn't really sure how to feel about it. 

Originally he wanted to join the Marines when he turned seventeen, but when he asked my parents to sign the paperwork my mother refused. Though now she denies that ever happened. Then when he was a few years older he tried again. However, they refused him on the grounds that he had a homeschool diploma. A few months later he tried again, but he had been flagged in their system. That's when he decided to try the Army, but he ended up being denied due to some of the previous issues he encountered with the Marines. So, after that last denial he decided it was time to put this dream away. He had tried. He wanted to serve his country, but they wouldn't have him. On with life we must go, you know? I won't lie, and say that I wasn't a tiny bit relieved. It's scary to think of your loved one wanting a job that requires them to be gone for months at a time. To be deployed to a country that they could very well die in. And even though it sucked some major balls that he couldn't serve I felt like I could breathe a little easier. But not seeing that little spark in his eyes, when he'd talk about the military, anymore made me feel horrible about my own relief. It left me feeling really sad for him, and I couldn't help but dwell on the unfairness of it all. 

So, back in March when I got a call from my brother I was really surprised when he told me the news. "Hey, so I joined the Army. I need my social to retake a test next week can you meet me with it? I passed this test today with flying colors they said, and the next one is a formality to make sure I didn't cheat or have help. But I'm in! I'll be off to basic in a few weeks." And everything stopped. I whooped, and hollered. Had he been standing in front of me I would have tackled him. I was so damn proud, y'all! It wasn't until I got off of the phone that I realized, "Oh, shit. He's going to be a soldier." Now maybe it's age, the fact that we've grown so much over the years, but the fear didn't grab a hold as it once had. Yes, it was still scary. But what in life isn't? If this is what my baby brother wanted then I was behind him 110%. I didn't have any doubts that he'd get through this at the top of his class. That he'd kick ass, and take names. Because he lived for this. He thrived on it. This is what gave him the feeling of purpose. And I’d be damned if anyone tried to take away the excitement I could clearly hear in his voice. So, over the course of the next few weeks we took turns visiting. One weekend we’d all go up there, and the next they’d come to see us. We all spent a lot of time together because we weren’t sure when we’d see him again. The majority of us were happy because my brother was happy. My mother, unfortunately, was a different story. I can't fault her for it. He is her only son, and the baby. But well into the second week of him being away we had to have a little conversation. It took her awhile, but she eventually accepted that this was happening. This was the future he wanted.

Which brings us to April 22nd. This was the day my brother was sent out to Fort Benning to start basic training. And when I say that the military is slow as fuck, multiply that by ten. I get that they're in basic training, and technically the Army doesn't have to allow them to contact home at all. But since they do give them certain privileges you'd think that they'd be a bit more efficient. But nooooo. So, we waited. And waited. When we finally heard some news it consisted of a twenty second phone call, and then it was radio silence again. We weren't sure if we could write, or not. If you’re familiar with basic training then you know that sometimes the guys get smoked, or have extra work attached to their already tiresome day as "punishment" when they’re sent stuff from home before it’s allowed. We didn't want to be the cause of that so we didn’t have much choice but to wait. However, this didn’t keep me from searching all over the internet for information. I found the Facebook pages, and the military pages. I downloaded PDF samples of their schedule, and estimated where I thought he was at in training. I downloaded Sandboxx, which is pricey, but also worth it, in order to send him a letter to check on him. And then, on the weekend before my nephew’s first birthday I was stuck in traffic trying to make my way up to visit my sister-in-law for a girls weekend when my mother called. “Carlos got hurt. It’s his leg. He may not be able to continue.” I held my breath -- 1…2…3… 

This was the worst news. After quizzing my mom over the phone the only information I had was that they had been out in the field, and another soldier accidentally caused the injury. My brother was at a hospital, and my sister-in-law would be able to tell me more once I got there. Of course I thought it was a broken leg at the worst, or a sprain at the best. He’d walk this off, and be back at it in no time. He would be okay. Now, remember what I said about the military being slow? Yea, they work just as slow in giving answers about injuries. The silver lining was that my brother was able to call home every day while at the hospital. It wasn’t until a week later that my sister-in-law was able to tell us that his initial injury would heal, and would not be the cause of a medical discharge. But they had found something else in his x-rays that the doctor’s found troubling. This something else turned out to be an issue with his knee cap, and cartilage. It wasn’t causing any issues at the moment, but there was a problem. And they weren’t sure if my brother would be able to serve three years without causing his knee even more damage or having to have surgery. His recovery could potentially take up to a year, if not more, which would not benefit the Army whatsoever. Since that conversation we’ve been told that regardless, surgery will be in his future, it’s just not known when. Could be a few months, or could be years. So, his commanders had to have meetings. His doctor’s had to have meetings. He had to talk to several people over the course of several days in regards to his options. And then last week Kim called to let me know that after the board meeting my brother was told that he would be getting discharged. Chapter 5-11. It could take up to two months before he was sent home though. I held my breath -- 1… 2... 3... 

I was lucky enough to talk to my brother several times during this whole process. And while he was laying in a hospital bed with a leg that refused to cooperate with him I asked about how training had been going. He told us stories about the other soldiers, and his sergeants. He talked to us about some funny moments, and being made fun of for his dinosaur of a cell phone. He told me about the early morning exercises, and obstacles. How they had switched him up to Mortar Company which was a promotion due to how well he was doing. He was two days shy of completing the navigation phase, and there was talks of him being platoon leader material. He let out a sigh, “It’s been fun. Basic isn’t as bad as others make it out to be. I like the other guys. I like the drill sergeants. I’m having a great time here.” The following weekend, just days before he was given the final decision, he told me that he was okay with whatever the outcome came to be. “If they decide I’m worth keeping then I’m going to finish this, and give them my all. But if they decide I’m too much of a liability, well then, I’m just happy to have been given the opportunity to try. I’m proud to have made it this far.” All weekend I was hoping for a Hail Mary. I was hoping that he could be re-classed. Or that he’d be able to come home, fix the issue, and then try again. That last one might be a possibility depending on what RE code gets stamped on his file, but it could take awhile. And by then he might have already aged out. Or he might not want to go through the process of applying for the waivers needed? I’ve read that it can be a son of a bitch. Or life could get in the way? Or he and his wife may come to the conclusion that the military life is not something they can handle as they’re getting older? And as my nephew gets older too. Maybe my brother sees this as the final sign that he should shelve the dream for good? Or time may not be his friend in the end? 

So, today I’m a little heartbroken. I’m sad for my brother. Probably more so than he is because I can tell he’s taking this all in stride. “Whatever happens, happens. I’m not worried about it.” I’m just really upset that one of his dreams was within reach, and it all came crashing down due to an accident. The plus side is that we now know there’s an issue so I’m grateful for that. Still, I would have loved to see him graduate in August. I would have loved to see my baby brother stand up with the rest of his unit, serving heart on full display, and finally getting to do what he’s always wanted. I was more than willing to drop everything on my weekends to make sure his family was taken care of while he was away. So my sister-in-law wouldn’t be alone. I would have written him five letters a week the entire time he was away. I had actually already started. And I would have gladly been there to lend my support in anyway that he needed. I know this sounds a little "doom 'n' gloom" right now, and I’m focusing more on the negative. I know, y’all. It just really sucks! I really wanted this for him. He would have been amazing at it. But don't worry, I am taking stock in the good too. I just needed to let these frustrations out. I know that the most important thing right now is that he’s okay. That this issue was caught early. That he’s coming home. Though that’s a long ass process on it’s own. And whatever he decides to go after next I can only hope that I’ll be here to cheer him on from the sidelines. And no matter what, Carlos, you’ll always be my hero. I love you, you long legged freak of nature. Here’s to the next adventure!

Better Luck Next Time

Recently I was called in for a job interview. Now even though I wasn't actively searching for another job this one I was being asked about seemed like a change in pace, in a completely different field, and I went ahead with accepting the interview. I figured it couldn't hurt to see what was being offered, right? If I were to be offered the job I still had to see whether it was something better than what I currently had. Whether it was even a good fit for me. Worst case I'd wasted thirty minutes of my time. Best case I'd be making a career change.

So, a few weeks ago I met with the owners one night after work. We spoke about the job, the hours, and the pay. We spoke about family, and how long we had all been in the area. It seemed less like an interview, and more like I was just having a random conversation with two people I had just met. I was told that the person who would be given the job would technically be the only employee. The position was new, and so I asked about vacation/sick time to which they said they had never had to offer it before which was a bit if a concern for me as I have a little one. Overall, I felt that it went well, and both owners said they liked me. Still they had to interview two other candidates. I thanked them for their time, and left it at that.

Now, I've been at my current place of employment for almost seven years. It's steady, and it's routine. I enjoy the people I work with, and wasn't sure if I was ready to say goodbye. So, after I had gone to that interview I thought about asking my current employer about the possibility of a raise. I hadn't received one in over two years, and I know the market right now was down so I hadn't pushed the issue. Well, when I asked my supervisor about it I was told that I had capped out pay wise. Well, more like I questioned whether that was the case, and it was confirmed that I was correct. Even after he tried to convince the owner that I should get one it was denied on the grounds that I wasn't taking on any new responsibilities so there was no need to give me one. Just FYI that statement was crap, and showed how little the current owner knows about what I do. Anyway, I was informed that there would be no more raises for me, and I had climbed as far as I was allowed to within the company. For someone who has a single income run family, this was not something I wanted to hear.

A day later, I received a call. "We'd like to offer you the position. This is the starting pay. Think it over. We understand you need to go over this with your family, and just let us know by the end of the day what you decide." I was excited. I was nervous. The pay was a little less than what I currently make, but after six months I would be making more. I thought it over, spoke with my family, but still my main concern was no sick time. So, at the end of the day I called them back, "I would love to take you up on this job offer. And I know I'd be your only employee, but I was wondering if I made it a year with your company if we could revisit the topic of sick time? If not, that's fine. I will figure something out, but I'm definitely still wanting to take the job if you'll have me."

They asked when I could start, that they'd go over the sick time topic with someone who does their HR stuff, and then get back to me. Well, forty-eight hours later the job offer was retracted. "I know we told you to think over the offer before you gave us an answer, but when you didn't immediately say yes and then asked about sick time we reconsidered whether you'd be a good fit. The job was given to someone else, and they will be starting in two days. If it doesn't work out with that person then we'll reconsider giving you a call back." Y'all I would be lying if I said I wasn't bummed out. Especially at first. The income in the long run would have been better, and would have eased the strain a bit. After I got off the phone with them I felt like I had ruined a potentially great job offer by not just saying yes. I felt like it was unfair that I was even in the situation where sick time was even something I had to worry about when it came to accepting a job offer. But it is because I can't afford to make under a certain amount each week. That's my reality.

The truth is I don't have that second income to help lessen the weight of my financial burdens. If I miss a day, or my daughter gets sick and I have to stay home I lose out on bringing in a full paycheck. If that happens then I have to decided on whether a bill goes without being paid, or if I scale back my already low grocery budget. At least where I'm at right now I have paid time off I can use. So, I was just trying to be honest with them. And so even though I was bummed about having that opportunity taken away I felt like maybe it just wasn't the right decision for me at that time. So...better luck next time I guess. I'm optimistic that there will be another door opened for me when the time is right. Or maybe this company will contact me again in the future? Who knows? Everything happens for a reason though, and I just need to trust in that plan.

Fear and Change// A Writing Prompt

When I start to feel myself gravitating towards anything negative I usually look up Trent Shelton. For some reason his words often bring me a tiny bit of peace. Sometimes I find that this guy can string along sentences that I've been feeling better than I ever could. Reading through his feed can help me get back into a positive headspace. And there are a few of his quotes that serve as a reminder, or validation of what my counselor tells me at each of our sessions. That the only things I can truly control are my OWN actions/reactions. I'm responsible only for how I choose to live, and what I allow to be brought into my life. And lately, I’ve been really examining what I need and what I want. I question why I put myself through certain things if they are not giving me something in return? I know that might sound selfish, but bear with me.

Are we meant to just go through life with struggles, be slaves to our jobs, barely get by, and then just wait for the end? Some people out there live with monotonous routines, stay at jobs that make them miserable, continue in relationships that should end, and live life paycheck to paycheck. Struggling. Feeling unhappy, and uncertain. I’m not saying that these are all necessarily bad things either. Sometimes a struggle can lead to some pretty epic things. I, myself, see several of those labels that I could attach to my current state of living. Whether it’s out of financial necessity, fear, or down right stubbornness it becomes really hard to get out of that hole though. Eventually it becomes so second nature to us that we don’t realize we could easily break away from those habits. Doing so could set off a whole chain reaction of positive possibilities. So, at my last counseling session one of the main lines that came to mind repeatedly for me was: “What am I doing this for?”

I feel that as time moves forward we should all be growing. Maturing. Creating. Learning. Finding out what really brings us happiness. We should be able to look at what we do, and know in our hearts that it’s for a reason. And that reason should be one that we feel comfortable with, or just enjoy. I understand that some of the "day to day" is just because, well life,  and there’s no getting around that. I’m also not naïve enough to think that everything is sunshine and rainbows either. There is struggle, there is pain, the real world, and there will be days when life just kicks our asses. But what about the things in life we do, which could easily be changed, by asking ourselves“is this something that will make me happy?” I’ve realized recently that there have been choices I’ve made, that if I had really observed what I had been doing, I would see that it wasn't something good. That I was NOT okay with the path these choices were sending me on. That I didn’t feel like certain people I had allowed into my life were helping to lift me up. That I didn’t want a life dictated by my income or lack of. That I should listen to my gut instinct for what it was trying to tell me: Change. Be happy. Wake UP! DO something. Anything! Just stop letting things or people hinder your growth. 

Sometimes this can seem overwhelming. I get that. Change of any kind can be jarring. It can make you uncomfortable. It can cause us to see things differently. We might not even like what’s on the other side. In my case, I learned that I still continue to let stuff happen around me that I don’t like out of fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of change. Fear of loneliness. Fear of not living up to expectations, and the fear of missing out. No question, there is a lot of fear in my heart. When was it placed there? I have no idea. When will I find the courage to remove it? Your guess is as good as mine. Looking at that admission, and I’m not really sure which is worse? Not knowing what’s holding you back, or knowing and not doing anything to stop it? I guess the silver lining is that at least I do know something. It’s a start right?  I can look at myself and know that I’m not ready to let some things go. That there are some issues I could examine more closely. That it’s okay to uncover some pretty harsh things about yourself. No one is perfect. No one. Maybe we lie to ourselves a little more than we'd like to own up to? And sometimes we just aren’t ready.Whatever the reason. Sometimes we have to pry ourselves one finger at a time. And sometimes the path veers off, smacks a tree, and has us upside wondering how the hell we ended up there? BUT the option and the action to change are always there. You can grab a hold whenever you want; whenever you feel ready. I just know that I’m not quite there yet. So, I guess I just dig deeper. I keep peeling back the layers. Eventually, I'll know exactly what I want, and what I need to do to get there. No second guessing or self doubt. No reservations or fear. And when that day comes...it'll be great. Change will be welcomed, and fear will be long gone.

Time

Time is such a funny thing. When they say that it "heals" well, I'm not sure how accurate that is, but I can vouch that it takes the sting away from the pain. I went through and re-read some of my previous posts, and embarrassingly feel like I should take them down. Not because I'm ashamed really, but because I should have given myself more time. I should have let the sting fade. So, I may or may not revert them back to drafts.

It's been six months (give or take a few days) since life as I knew it kind of crumbled. I went through some really low lows, and some medium acceptable days. There were a lot of tears, some smiles, and a lot of family and friends that lent me strength when I needed it most. I'm completely grateful for each and every one of them. Currently, I am still married. Though we're both leaning towards divorce. My estranged husband did a lot of damage to himself, our relationship, and to our family. We've talked about trying to work things out, but as of right now we aren't sure that's a realistic goal for us. He's currently on his road to getting better though he's had a few hiccups along the way. As of right now I'm helping in a small way to get him back on his feet. We are remaining amicable, and residing in the same house. I know some people have asked if this is confusing for our daughter, to which I normally answer that I believe it's not. I've had many discussions with her about how our family is changing, and what exactly that means. When my husband first left she started having a lot of separation anxiety from me. She would start to hyperventilate, and she would cry every day at school. There were times when she refused to speak to him, and on the times he did visit she would just hide. When we finally started to get back on the right track we gradually started having him back in our day to day life, and those issues started going away. Recently when I spoke to her about how our living arrangements would one day go back to her daddy having another home she responded by telling me: "That's okay mommy, I just don't want you and daddy to fight." There's no bad blood between the two of us, and I've forgiven a lot. After a recent conversation I think we both just feel that we're happier co-parenting, and living separately because we want different things as well as to live different lifestyles. So that's currently the stage that we're in, and we're doing our best to get through it.

Our living arrangement went from staying at my parents home, to moving back into our own place. Though we've not ruled out moving back in with my parents over the summer in order to save up some money once my husband officially gets back on his own feet. But for now, as we take things day by day, we are still in our own home. Our own space. Things are surprisingly peaceful, which I'm happy about. On another note, we found out in January that Emery has a hernia, and it's in a pretty unusual spot for a 6 year old. We have to see a specialist at the end of the month and then schedule a surgery. I've heard that these are pretty easy fixes, but it' still hard knowing that she'll be put under. On top of that my employer stopped paying for family insurance. Our attempt to get her on ObamaCare was a complete bust because none of the specialist take it, and neither does the Children's Hospital. So this will have to be an out of pocket procedure. Having her on her own insurance plan through the regular market place (they go based off of our combined income from last year) would cost me between $375-$450 a month. That's not possible for me to swing right now so it's not an option. On that front we're still trying to figure things out though.

Other than that I've been having to relearn some things. Habits are hard to break, you know? I'm trying to stand on my own two feet, and really put an effort into discovering who I am. I know that even though our family dynamic is changing there's still a lot of love between all of us. I'm not sure what the final outcome will be, but I do know that we'll always be a family no matter what. It just might not look like the traditional version, but that's okay. It's been a slow process that at times seemed almost impossible to go through, and there are still times when I get scared at the reality of what the future holds for us. But in the end I know that I can handle whatever life throws at me next. And we're all going to be okay.

Go Away Winter

Lately, I've been having this TINY little thought in the back of my mind about jumpstarting this space again. I've been looking at updating the design, and making some changes. A lot has been going on in my little corner, and I've missed the ability to have those few moments to just sit and write about it. That said, it's also been a very crazy busy time around here. As some of you know I work full time, have a family, and I go to school. Clearly it's proving rather difficult to fit all of that in, plus household chores, work outs, and homework. Anytime I feel like sitting down to type up a post I get distracted by something else I need to do or finish up. But this doesn't mean that I won't try to get things back in running order soon. Fingers crossed. Until then, here's a little update for y'all. Warning: This will be really random. :) 

I am over winter. I am really over this wet winter. I am really really over this back and forth bull that Texas is seeing this year. Last Friday we had a wonderful sunny 76 degree day and we were in tank tops. This week we've had an ice storm and snow with the temperature never going above 30 degrees (with the exception of today because randomly it decided to reach 50 before plummeting again). Yup, really over this stuff. I'm ready for shorts and flip flops. So so so ready.

My husband ended up not taking that other job in the oilfield. He wanted it, but as soon as we made the decision to get things in motion in order to accept it, the market went down. Hundreds of people have been laid off since then. Then the person who had originally offered it to him retracted the offer, and so we were kind of left out to dry. It was a bit frustrating because promises were made, and things were really talked up to us. We were pitched a wonderful opportunity that wasn't all there. So, we were excited for this change, and once it fell through we were kind of heartbroken over it. My husband more so than I. Thankfully, my husband hadn't put in his two weeks notice. So he's still working and for that we are really grateful. 

Over Christmas we added a new fur-member to our family. As some of you know we had a string of bad luck with two of our previous dogs which left us really heartbroken, Then Draco entered our lives and we were so excited to be able to give that love we had for our former dogs to a new member. But just like we get baby fever I got doggy fever. We looked into adopting some young, grown dogs, but it turned out that Draco was just...too much. He would get really excited and hyper around them which would only annoy the other dogs. This eventually just lead to one or the other snapping, and becoming territorial. So after many tries we were told that we'd have to crate and rotate for anywhere along the lines of a few months to a lifetime if we were to adopt an older dog. That's when someone told us that our best bet was to get a puppy. Mind you, I swore off puppies because of the hassle. I was really really hesitant about it, because I hadn't forgotten about what a pain in the ass it was to house train a dog. I had told my husband before that I did not want to go through that again. But then...someone found her and sent me the link. And we fell completely in love. We set up a time to go see her (just to see), and that same day she came home with us. Two days later we settled on a name: Maven (in honor of my love for "Whip It"). She looks a lot like our first dog, Sampson. And there were a lot of emotions in regards to him when we got her. I didn't want to say anything about her until we passed a certain point in her age because of how susceptible pitbull's are to parvo. Now that we're here I'm glad I can finally share her!  

On the day that we brought her home. 12/20/2014

Something else that's been on my mind lately is this need for change. I kind of feel like that's my "word" for the year. I'm wanting to finally start losing the weight I've been talking about for the past year. I'm constantly talking about wanting to go here or visit there. This year I'd like to really put that into motion. I feel like I need to spend more time focusing on what I want to do in the future too. As awesome as everything is for us here...I feel like I'm tired of being still. We always put things off for one reason or another and I find myself saying "NO" a lot. I really want to change that. I also want to start getting our finances back on track. And we'd really really like to take a vacation this year. That means saving a lot though. Not saying it can't be done just that it will be hard. We kind of got screwed on our taxes this year so using that money won't really be an option. But, I'm working on a plan. Hoping it works out for the best. Until next time, I hope everyone is having a wonderful year so far!

Life Lately

Two weeks from today I'll go into my second to last semester (fingers crossed) of college. Then it'll be off to a University a lot closer to home. Two weeks from today Emery will be getting ready to head off to her first day of Pre-K. I can't believe that this summer is almost over, and yet I can't wait for fall to begin. It's been really hot and dry this summer. We've had one thing after another fail at this new house, which was of no fault to anyone really, just things that needed to be fixed. We've fostered two dogs, and the last one is "this close" to being in his forever home with my parents. I'm so ready to be back to a one dog house. Without even realizing it summer kind of just flew by. Here's a little glimpse into it:

We saw an old friend of ours play at a local bar. Emery decided she wanted her ears pierced. We were asked to be in the 4th of July parade. Draco has gotten bigger since the last time you guys saw him. We've spent every other weekend at the local flea market; enjoying roasted corn and snow cones. For Christina's birthday we all went out to see the Toadies play at a local venue which was pretty awesome! Emery officially finished her swimming lessons two weeks ago. Next year, the teacher will not be doing these classes, but she enjoyed Emery so much that she offered to give her private lessons next year! Since Emery is pretty bonded with her we've decided to go ahead and plan for that. Christina's last week with us ended on Friday. It was awesome of her to stay with us and I'm super grateful for her. Our summer would have been a lot different if she hadn't stepped up to help us. Thank you, Stina!! Now it's back to finding a schedule that works for us again. This is one of the things I absolutely hate about going to school so far away. Our lives get interrupted, and Emery goes through a rough adjustment period. But it has to be done, and I'm glad that I'm almost finished at this school. I just have to hold on a bit longer. So, here we go again! And from my family to yours, we hope everyone's had a wonderful summer! 

Adjustments in The Works

I have this whole other post written up and ready to go. Unfortunately, I feel like, by posting it I may jinx all the progress/hope that's within it. So instead, let me just say: Hello.

Life for us has been busy. Exams have started this week and finals are next week. I have a, now, ten-twelve page essay due by next Monday which I still haven't figured out the conclusion to. My husband is slowly getting better, but that does not mean we haven't had a few bumps along the way. There's just so much that needs working out and I feel exhausted just thinking about it. My daughter has hit an all time high on the "whiny" meter. It seems like nothing and everything we do is wrong and a cause for tears. I can honestly and lovingly say that I have been put through many tests these past few weeks. But I'm grateful for them.

Earlier this year we had discussed vacation plans. We had hoped to plan a trip out to California sometime this summer, but recent developments have caused us to set those hopes to the side. For now. Then, we decided to just visit some local amusement parks. Maybe check out some other zoos and aquariums. We decided to just keep things within Texas. And now, plans are changing yet again. Our landlord kind of dropped a bomb on us this weekend that we didn't see coming. This means change is unavoidable and our extra money will have to be saved. I'll explain more about this topic later.

And finally, change hasn't just been happening in my personal life but in my work life as well. I was recently asked to take on some different responsibilities at my work which will require my undivided attention & dedication. I was asked to sit in and help choose a replacement for my current position, and we've finally decided. So, as of the 5th of May I'll be changing directions within our little company. This is slightly scary and yet a bit exciting. I'm happy and welcoming of this change. I had been feeling a bit, unfulfilled when it came to my work lately. I'm hoping that this new direction will give me a bit of a "refreshment" and renewed since of achievement. Fingers crossed that I do a good job!

Now, I sit here sighing. I am truly grateful that this is all happening at the end of my semester rather than right smack in the middle of it. I'm excited for my semester to be over too. I've been feeling really burnt out lately. Summer is always a nice time to recharge my batteries and I plan on taking full advantage of it. I'm excited to just have one priority; my job. I'm excited for summer to begin. I'm excited for a slower pace. A lot will be changing in the next few months, and I could really use the time off to just adjust all over again. So, yes...I'm ready.

Simple, Healthy Living

I feel like I'm currently in the middle of a transformation phase in life. I've realized the importance of stepping back when looking at different situations. I've also realized that I want to change a lot of things in my life. My priorities, my habits, what I put into our bodies, and the way we live. I've attempted this before, on a smaller scale, but I didn't have the same outlook as I do now. I did things half-assed, for lack of better words. I felt really disappointed in myself for not keeping up with my personal goals, or for putting some of my most important priorities on the back burner. I let myself procrastinate, and ignore the opportunities to allow anything different into my life altogether. I didn't have the motivation or want to really change because change itself can be a scary thing. For someone like myself who constantly craves something different, but doesn't know exactly how to go about getting it, life can get a bit confusing. I wasn't entirely sure when I should take plunges or when I should wait something out.
This is where my goals, my inspirations, for the year come in. I have so many of them planned, and a few I've already talked about on here before. Some of them I will have to build up too, and others I'll start immediately. The month of January has been my "get ready" month. We were displaced, I was figuring some things out about myself, and we were a bit stuck in limbo. Finally we moved into our new (for now) home. Our life was pretty hectic and chaotic during the months of December and January. It's taken quite some time for us to finally settle. Now that we're in a good place, and everything is in order I feel like I can finally get started on allowing positive change into my life.
For starters I want to live more simply. With this move, I've been able to purge a lot of our things. Our house isn't tiny, but it's not what we were in before. So, we've had to leave a few things behind. We haven't had the best weather here recently, but hopefully this upcoming Saturday I'll be able to go back to our old house and pack up the rest of what we want to keep. This will include clothes, shoes, & Emery's toys. If it doesn't fit or if it hasn't been missed it will go into the donation bags or into the trash. I've also taken some inspiration from Sash over at Inked in Colour. She's doing a whole year of "nothing new"! Now, while I admire her will power I'm not quite there yet. Still, I think that I need to start looking at things on a need basis rather than a want. So this year, I'd like to take more trips to the flea market & garage sales. I want to buy more second hand when I can, and that includes visiting the local thrift shops more often.
I've also stated that I want to take longer breaks from technology. I'm surrounded by it at work, and I go home to it every night. But because of it, I was missing moments. I wasn't as focused, and I really want to change that. I want to be more involved with my daughter, my family, and my community. For me that means putting the phone down, closing the laptop, and leaving the tablet alone. The weather hasn't really permitted it, but I want us to be outdoors more. I want to hike some local trails and visit more parks. 
And this leads me into our lifestyle changes. I want to be more active, and eat healthier. I was doing such a great job before the holiday's and then we had to move in with my parents (sodas, chips, and cookies everywhere!). So I've had a huge setback. But I want to change that, from now going forward for the rest of the year. I'm looking into getting a gym membership again, because I truly miss getting in those work outs. I've had a drastic change in energy levels and I'm not liking it. I spent a lot of the month of January cutting back on sweets, and adding more vegetables. Now that we're on our own, I have better control over what we keep in the house. It helps a lot when you're trying to stay away from temptation. 
So that's the plan! I'm trying my hardest to get rid of excuses and just get it done. I've had enough down time for the year. It's time to start getting rid of some things and changing others. And it's just time. If I want more good in my life, I need to put more good out there. So here's to the "official" beginning of this new year for us!  

  

Not An Absent Mother, Just Not Always Focused

After re-reading this post I wrote last week, I realized that I came off as being an "absent mother". I assure you, I am not. I wrote that last post with a lot of emotion and realization going through me. I was FEELING like I was being an absent mother because I wasn't paying attention to the little things. Once a month I get REALLY REALLY emotional and that post just so happened to be written on that day. But today, after a few days of really thinking a bit more clearly and calmly I'd like to expand on that post a bit.

My daughter and I spend a lot of time together. When I'm not at work, or at school you will always find us together. And even now that doesn't seem like enough time together to me. However, my husband and I have entirely too much debt (gained while being young and dumb). This means I can't afford to be a stay at home mom like I would like to be. We also have to keep in mind that out of both of our jobs mine is the most secure, consistent, and the higher income of the two. So, for the most part our livelihood depends on me.

This has been a major stress factor in my life. I'm constantly on the go, and there's always SOMETHING that needs to done, worked on, or finished. There are days when I feel like I have entirely too much on my plate and it leads to some not so great personal moments. And often I seek a reprieve in the only way/access that I have: the internet. Whether it be on my phone, tablet, or computer I know that I spend a lot of time networking. Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr, and Blogger are my biggest addictions. I like reading people's posts, checking out online shops, or connecting with friends over Facebook. But I realized, in doing so, I was missing out on a lot of little moments my daughter was offering me.

I'm with her every day! I sit outside with her while she plays. I sit on the couch while she plays house. I accept her "teas" & "pizza". I'm at the table while she draws. I sit on the bathroom floor while she plays in the tub. That little beauty mark started out so tiny, and I knew it was there but I hadn't notice how it was more prominent now. So, I know that I'm there for it all! BUT I'M NOT. Looking back at many of those moments I can guarantee that 90% of the time I had my phone or tablet with me. I wasn't fully there, with her. I wasn't noticing how she explains WHAT she will draw before she draws it. Or how in order to get my attention she'd have to repeat herself several times. I was missing out on her little dances, and only listening to bits in pieces of her stories because I was too distracted. That, to me, is just unacceptable.

So this is why and what I want to change starting now. I want to put all of that "extra stuff" away. I want to ignore my phone, turn off my tablet, and let my laptop collect dust (when not in use for school). I want to pick up my camera again, and collect all of the memories I can get. I want to sit down and draw with my daughter. I want to give her my attention the moment "Mom" is uttered from her mouth. I want us to spend more time outside, exploring, painting and learning. I want to notice everything about her, and my family. With a little determination, I'm pretty sure I can get it done. And boy, do I feel good about this change.