Wordless Wednesday

 

Pressure, Disappointment, & Sadness

This is the year we wanted to either have already had a baby or be pregnant. And while a lot of people say, “It will happen when it happens.” For someone dealing with secondary infertility (self-diagnosed, but also implied by a doctor) those words are not comforting. Instead, it brings fear and a lot of sadness because what if? What if it doesn’t ever happen? And so, I can feel the pressure in my chest every month, and the disappointment with every negative pregnancy test result. Soon after, my cycle starts, and the sadness comes. I give myself time to cry in the shower before walking out as if nothing is wrong. Then it's back to temperature tracking and ovulation tests. And this happens every month, on repeat.

Of course, people ask why it’s such a big deal - “You just got married.” But the thing is we tried for months, then stopped. We tried again and then stopped. We’ve been together for over 4 years, and roughly two of those years were spent trying. It’s been rough if I’m being honest. Even on the months we weren’t trying it was always in the back of my mind. I’ve done my best to be hopeful. I’ve spent many nights and mornings praying. Please just let it be positive. 🙏 But now as we've started 2024, the pressure is building and it's brought with it, a countdown of sorts. Because after a lot of discussions, I expressed my desire to stop trying after I turned 37. And that happens at the end of this year.

Why the deadline, you may ask. Well, one of the concerns we discussed was the possibility of having a high-risk pregnancy. Did we want to take that gamble? Then of course there’s the age issue. Do we want to be in our 50’s or 60’s when our child graduates high school? Do we want them to have limited time with their grandparents because we had them later in life? Then there’s the issue of energy, and the ability to keep up with a child. We are already tired most of the time so would we have the energy to keep up with a child if we have them in our 40s? And finally, comes the increased possibility of our child having birth issues, defects, or disabilities. And while we would love any child, regardless of that, the concern is a financial one. Could we financially afford to give a child with a disability a good quality of life? The honest answer right now? No. Financially, there are times that we struggle. We are actively working on paying things off and decreasing our spending. In preparation for adding another member to our family. However, if we had to worry about extra care, hospital visits, treatments, or special needs - it would be extremely difficult for us. And to me, that’s not fair to a child.

Now, I get that these are all possibilities, "what ifs", and risks that have a lower chance of actually happening. But what if they did? And that is why I’ve stated my desire to stop trying after I turn 37. However, Corey is two years younger than me. And right now, he’s really wanting to have a child. When we go shopping for my nieces and nephew, he always talks about “our child”. And when we started discussing housing options, he always included room for a nursery. Even though he knows anything we do (buy, build, or remodel) won’t be done until next year -well after my self-imposed cut-off date. He doesn’t do this to be cruel, and he’s always agreed with me about not having children after a certain age. He’s just hopeful that it will happen this year.

On the other hand, I have been preparing myself for the opposite. I know I’ve talked about it before; about how sad it makes me. But there’s a finality to this year that’s just so different from past years. I think before there was always that “wiggle room” of hope. But since we've tried for a while now, and it hasn’t happened yet, it makes me think that it won’t. Or if we are just struggling with the conceiving process - we can’t financially afford to do IUI or IVF. That option takes time and money, and we have no local doctors who provide these services either. They are all in the metroplex (1.5+ hours away). Those doctors are also out of network, which leaves us with significantly fewer options.

So here we are. I’ve been trying to lean on God for this. Which I know sounds contradicting to everything I just wrote, because technically these are MY plans, not HIS. I know I'm supposed to trust in HIM. But I’m human, and sometimes that’s hard. So instead, I’ve just been asking for strength. Strength to get through this year - whatever may come. Strength to accept the things I have no control over. I also ask for help in being a good mom to my daughter. I am so, so, so thankful that he gave her to me, and if she’s the only child I get - I’m beyond blessed already. But above all else, I pray for peace because it's desperately needed. I’m so tired of letting the pressure, the disappointment, and the sadness get to me every month. But to let it all go, and allow myself to be okay, I need HIS help. 

"For I know well the plans I have in mind for you—oracle of the LORD—plans for your welfare and not for woe, so as to give you a future of hope." 

// Jeremiah 29:11

Wordless Wednesday

Motherhood // Thirteen

This age has come with frustration, rewards, pride, confusion, annoyance, and joy. All mixed into one. This has been the year that I’ve really noticed my and Emery’s relationship shifting. Navigating these changes has come with many challenges - some denial on my part too. I mean, yes, she’s getting older. Yes, she’s starting to have her own opinions. Yes, we disagree a lot more. And yes, there’s that pushing of boundaries. She's also having to figure out who she is, as her own person - apart from her family unit. So, I’ve come to find that when people say the teenage years are rough, they are not kidding. Even for the most well-behaved kids out there, these years seem to be harder for parents. And for me, sometimes it feels like the changes happened overnight - I blinked.

Emery is now two inches taller than me. She’s a social butterfly and 85% of the time she’s really extroverted. She’s learning how to drive. She constantly talks about “hating” her nose - which looks like mine. She doesn’t like to “hang out” with me very often - opting to stay home rather than go anywhere with me. Her taste in music is constantly evolving, and so is her taste in movies/shows. She’s starting to have crushes on boys and has questions/concerns about dating (in the future). She’s figuring out who her friends are, and who are only around so they can talk badly about what they’ve learned. She says “no” more and talks back. Sometimes there’s more sass coming from her than I know what to do with, and it’s during those instances that the reality of how different we are is on full display. Sometimes it's frustrating. I hear some of the same phrases I used to dish out to my parents at that age. Then the feelings/memories of how I felt come rushing back and I know exactly how she feels. However, now I'm seeing things from the eyes of a parent. And that's when I call my mom and apologize for the hell I put her through - for the millionth time.

All of that said, there are still moments when my little baby comes out. When she’s sick and wants me to lay in bed with her until she falls asleep. When she performs these karaoke song/dance routines for Corey and me. When she kisses my cheek before exiting the car at school drop-off. Followed by, “Bye Mom. Love you.” When she’s had a rough week, she’ll jump on me and wrap herself around me, while saying, “Just love on me, mom.” Or when she asks if we can talk. Usually about her feelings, things that are bothering her, or just opinions about something going on. It’s a more grown-up version of our old, “Mommy-Daughter talks.” Then, sometimes during car rides, she’ll randomly play a song she used to listen to when she was little - singing along to every word. And I get tears in my eyes because I can picture her in her green car seat, bopping her little head to the beat and singing at the top of her lungs. 

Thirteen, so far, has been a bittersweet age. Sometimes, I look at her, and I can’t see that chubby little toddler who dressed in bright-colored outfits and clung to my neck. Then there are some nights, while putting some of her stuff away, that she’ll be asleep and I get a brief glimpse of that little girl again. But it’s back to the young lady she’s growing into, every morning when she walks out of her room. It’s bell-bottom jeans and makeup. Her white backpack hanging across her shoulders, and cell phone in hand - she'll reach for the car keys and ask if she can drive to the end of the road. Somedays, I don’t miss a beat. We’re usually rushing out the door. Others, I stop in my tracks, and I can’t believe how fast the years went by - I blinked. 

Wordless Wednesday

 

End of Summer Break

On July 10th I had my last final of the Summer semester and it’s been over two weeks of absolute bliss! No homework, no project, no textbook readings, no exams. Instead, I’m having plenty of time to spend with family, go for runs, go to the gym, clean my house, watch TV, and read. I am doing the absolute best that I can to just relish and enjoy this brief summer break. So, let me take this time to catch you up on what we’ve been up to and what we have planned!

The weekend before the fourth of July we had some family down for a visit. They stayed in a town close by and we went over to visit. There was a lot of food, some pretty wonderful conversations, plenty of time with my niece and nephew, and a few hours of kayaking on the lake.

Then, on the 4th, we made a trip down to Port A for a friend’s wedding. I wish I had some good pictures of everyone, but for the most part, my phone was not used. We swam in the ocean, watched the 4th of July fireworks, ate some delicious food, and were able to visit with friends.

The local running club that I’m a part of had their July social the day after we got back from our mini vacation. There was a photographer there that took many great shots of everyone. The food was delicious, and it was nice meeting some new people. I’ll write a bit more about the running club at a later date, but for now, here’s a snap from that day.

My abuelita is turning ninety in a few days, and we had her birthday celebration over the weekend! It was so great getting to see so many relatives! We miss my aunt Linda, but I hope she was able to see us all gathered together - not only celebrating my grandmother but also thinking of her. 

This week Emery and I will be heading out to California for a quick visit. Corey will be heading out on a boy’s deep sea fishing trip the day we fly back. This will be in celebration of his dad’s 60th birthday. We wanted to make both trips but there was a scheduling conflict so we opted to take separate trips in order to get this time in with our loved ones. While I’m bummed Corey won’t be able to come with us, I’m still excited to see our family in California - some that I haven’t seen in person since 2012. And I’m really happy that Corey gets to spend time with his dad and brothers doing what he loves - fishing. 

Once we get back we’ll have a handful of days to get everything ready for Emery’s upcoming school year. And my Fall semester will begin shortly after. I’m hoping to post a few more times between now and then too. I’ve had this sudden urge to write and there’s a lot of word vomit headed your way. Just letting you know in advance. Until the next post…✌

Our Year So Far

Two weeks ago, I finished up my Spring semester and I felt exhausted. Though I feel like that’s just a perpetual state for me now. Or maybe for mothers in general? Anyway, I spoke to an academic advisor at the beginning of the year and I was informed that if I took four classes in the summer and then five in the fall I could graduate in December. And while that would have been a very ambitious goal I am not a masochist. Instead, I decided to break it down to 2 classes for summer, 3 classes for fall, 3 classes for spring ‘23, and 1 final capstone class for summer ‘23. That’s the game plan. This means I don’t get the “summer off” from school, and sadly - those classes started less than a week after my last final. So, I decided to log in and give a few updates before summer classes get into full swing.

December: My niece arrived in December! And then we went on our second family trip of the year. We spent four days in Angel Fire, New Mexico, and let me tell you, that was the best! The mountain air was a little rough, but the views and snow more than made up for the heavy breathing I would get from just walking up the stairs of the Vrbo rental. The cell service was minimal, and it snowed pretty much every night. We’d wake up to powder-soft snow every morning. The ski resort was close by, and the only thing I regret is not signing up for the waitlist to learn how to snowboard. Maybe next time? Anywho, 10/10 I would highly recommend visiting. We made it back home just in time to close out 2021 with a visit from our California family. 

January - March: We also finally got to meet my niece in person. And she is the chunkiest little monkey. Omg, those cheeks! I really wish I could show y'all a picture, but just like my nephew - no pictures are allowed. Anyway, she's precious! Em celebrated her birthday! Though we had to delay the celebration due to her getting the flu. Still, we made the best of it! Later we attended our first-ever Supercross event and it was awesome! I felt like I finally understood what was going on, and the energy in that stadium was so contagious. Then Em’s dad came home in March. This is also when we were able to see River more often, and that was such a blessing. Things have been a little rocky on that front, but we’re just praying for things to get better. I joined a local running club, and with the help of my brother and sister-in-law, I ran my first 5K in over three years. It was rough. But joining this group has done wonders for my consistency & motivation.

 

April - May: The fishing boat was finally fixed, and we took it out for a spin. Then Corey sold it, to make some much-needed upgrades to the kayaks. I sold my car and got a new(er) one. The heated seats had me sold, y’all! Corey won his first kayak tournament! I couldn’t have been more proud. He worked so dang hard for that win. We celebrated Easter with ALL of our family and it was such a gift. As someone who wants to have a healthy co-parenting relationship and a happy blended family, this was priceless to me. Then, Summer moved in with barely any notice, and the heat has been relentless so I chopped between 6-7” off of my hair. The school year for Emery came to an end and she was thrilled! Then there was some annoyance because I told her she had to pick two summer "camps" to attend. You'd think I had kicked her puppy or told her that I was taking her cellphone with no intention of giving it back. Yes - those preteen years are just a dream. 

And that's about all I have time for today. Nowhere close to covering everything, but these were some highlights. Homework is calling my name and I want to get through as quickly as possible because I'm trying to make my way through all three seasons of Mayans MC. I've become addicted. Anyway, I hope everyone has been having a great year so far. Summer is finally here! Woohoo! Enjoy it! Until the next post...👋

Wordless Wednesday

 

Fly Revival // Blessed is She

Last weekend, my sisters and I attended a Blessed is She revival night. Now, we all had to travel a good distance so we were only able to attend one night. But it was completely worth it! It was two hours of praise, worship, confession, and adoration. Nell O’Leary was the guest speaker, and she touched on many ways for us to build our relationship with God. We were all excited to take part in a night like this. And I was practically bouncing as we pulled into the parking lot. We took a few pictures, grabbed our goodies, and made our way into the church.

Now, everyone’s experience is different. And while I was excited about the event I had also been dealing with feelings of turmoil. However, as the introductions began I started to feel calm. But about mid-way through I had a huge jumbled mess of emotions welling up inside. Then as the monstrance came closer to us the tears just began to pour out of me. And that was my cue - I needed to get up and go to confession. So, I made my way to the back of the church to patiently wait for my turn. As I finished up I told the priest, “There’s so much more, but this is all I can say out loud right now.”

Because lately, there’s been a lot on my heart. I feel like I’m breaking a little bit. I feel like some of my prayers are going unanswered because of my choices. I feel like sometimes I’m wasting time, and others like I’m just going through the motions. I feel like I’m stuck. I feel like I’m trying to scream but no one can hear me. And I feel really sad too. While I know depression shows up in my life from time to time this feeling has felt like a completely different kind of sadness. And it’s kind of hard to explain. So, as the night drew to a close, I made a mental note to pray on the thoughts and feelings that surfaced while I sat there in that church. Keep seeking. Keep praying. Keep trying. Keep learning. That’s all I can really do.

Afterward, we were able to make a few purchases and I was able to preview the new planners that BIS is offering. I get the yearly version instead of the academic one so it won't be out until the end of the year. But the highlight of the night for me came in the form of a Franciscan Friar by the name of Fr. Mark-Mary! He’s one of the hosts on the "Poco a Poco" podcast, which I love. This was my very first time meeting a friar, and I got a hug out of it so that was pretty great! We were able to speak with him for a few moments and then take a picture before heading out.

Overall, it was a really great night! I’m happy I was able to experience it with my sisters too. If you ever get a chance to attend one of these events, definitely do so! It was just two hours, which fit really well into our schedule. The atmosphere was welcoming. And it was just wonderful getting to be around other Catholic women. I really hope that they start having more throughout the year because it was a beautiful experience! 

June Wrap Up

June was a month, y'all. Originally, I had planned on taking a summer course to help keep me on track for the earliest graduation date possible. However, after a week, I quickly realized that the class I was taking NEEDED to be done in person. I don’t do well with “self-taught” courses. I need examples, instructions, and a lot of guided direction. I have to be able to ask questions. Especially when it comes to math-related subjects. So, I dropped it. And there was this instant sigh as I felt the weight/stress fall off of my shoulders. Little did I know, June would have other plans for my mental health and I would need every bit of time off to help gather myself.

At the beginning of the month, we had to say goodbye to one of our four-legged family members. And it was hard for everyone. We stayed up well into the morning hours. Taking turns watching over him, letting him know he was a good boy, and cuddling with him. But as the sky started to lighten, right before the sun came up, he took his last breath. While I’ve had to have two dogs euthanized before, watching one go naturally, was a much different experience. He didn’t seem to suffer, and we had him as comfortable as we could. However, it was something that I know will stick with me.

We also had to make a trip to the ER with Em due to stomach issues. There were a lot of tears and after she went two days without eating we decided it was time to see a doctor. After a few hours, and one medication cocktail later, they sent us on our way home with two prescriptions and a diagnosis that I had a feeling was coming. Just because of our family medical history. They did tell us if it continues to happen frequently, or if it comes back and it’s much worse then we may have to have her see a GI specialist. She wasn’t too thrilled with that, but as of right now we’re just grateful that it wasn’t anything too serious. She’s pretty much back to normal in the department.

Corey’s been doing a lot of fishing lately. And he already has two tournaments under his belt - one of those came with a cash prize too. He sold his small boat for enough money to buy a kayak and put a downpayment on a small fishing boat. It needs a bit of work, but it should be ready to take out on the water soon. Still, he’s been having a blast doing something that he loves to do. And I’d even go as far as to say that it’s also helped him adjust to the boys not being here. They’ve officially moved to their “in-between” city. They’ll be there until November, and then they’ll be off to their final destination. Well, at least for the next three years. And while we’ve still gotten to see them from time to time over this summer, it’s definitely not how it was before. So, Corey has now found himself with a lot of extra time. And he’s using it to do things he likes.

I, on the other hand, have been struggling lately. We had some setbacks with our future home. And the minute we start to get things figured out or fixed, something else comes up. I’ve had some personal setbacks as well. From having to deal with the very real possibility of not having another child to my consistent weight gain. It kind of put me into this weird state of semi-depression. If that makes any sense? I’ve tried for over a year to get things with my health under control on my own, using more natural approaches, but it's clearly not working. So, I’m calling it. I’ll be making an appointment with a doctor to see if I can get placed on medication. And that kind of feels like a huge failure to me for some reason which just adds to the emotional rollercoaster I've been on for the past few months. This is also why I am hitting the gym again. If for nothing else I get that release of endorphins which makes me feel a bit better. And honestly, at this point, I'll take anything that helps. 

It hasn't all been bad though. In the larger picture, overall, things are good. It’s been a very slow week, and I’ve had a chance to relax. Counselling has been going really well too. And we’re gearing up for a vacation soon. I’ve also decided to downsize my closet in the very near future. I recently listened to an episode of the "Poco a Poco" podcast, and it just spoke to me. So, it’s time. I’m hoping to have a good chunk of my clothes, shoes, jewelry, books, and other miscellaneous items ready for donation by the middle of July. And I’m really looking forward to it. Weird, I know. But the idea has made my heart happy so I know it’s what I need to do. Other than that, there isn’t much new with us. I hope y’all are having a wonderful summer so far though. Enjoy the time off and the whole country coming back to life. Though Texas has been ahead of that curve for a while. Maybe even travel somewhere if you can. Or visit one of your favorite local spots. Until the next time, take care of yourselves. 💙

Wordless Wednesday

Yes

December 4th, 2020. The anniversary of our first date, just the two of us, and at the same restaurant. Our family and close friends were given the news on the night that he proposed. Though some already knew his plan. Others have slowly been told when we run into them. No announcement was made or pictures posted anywhere. Since that night, we’ve been enjoying that newly engaged bliss. Keeping the news pretty quiet has also given us a chance to talk about the how, when, and where without any pressure. And no, there’s no date yet. Now, most of you know how I feel about posting on social media. I’m not a big fan so I hardly ever. But this is something major for me that I’m excited about! It’s a happy time in my life and after some discussion, we decided it was fine to quietly make it public. So, I felt like this was the perfect place to officially share the news. 💜

p.s. His name is Corey - guess it was also about time y’all knew that too.

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday

Letting Go of Family & Gaining More

Back in November of last year, I published a post about how it felt to feel like I was being “replaced” by my ex-husband’s family. To realize that the spot usually reserved for me in their lives, in their homes, was no longer mine. At the time, it was just that, me writing it out. The fear of all of those losses at once was magnifying my anxiety. I also wrote about hoping that once the dust settled that they’d at least still want to be active in my daughter’s life. After I wrote it all out, I left it there on those pages and went about my life like normal. Well, unfortunately, my fears weren’t entirely unfounded. 

All of these feelings and changes were surfacing around the same time that I was testing out the dating waters. I was learning how to put up boundaries and enforce them. Thanksgiving and Christmas went as well as they possibly could. And then for New Years, some of my ex-husband’s relatives from California came for a visit. Oddly, and of course with a bit of drama, there was this nagging feeling of “this is the last time” that tugged at my heart their entire stay. One night in particular we were all having dinner, talking in the kitchen as we took trips down memory lane. I was excited about my new relationship. I was grateful that co-parenting was becoming easier. I laughed with my ex-husband for the first time in what had seemed like forever. I watched my daughter play with her cousins. I drank a glass of wine for old times sake. As I sat there I remember thinking that everything was going to be okay. On the last day of their visit I gave each of them a long hug goodbye and told them that I loved them. Then, my daughter and I gathered our things and headed home. 

Months went by. I would reach out to see how everyone was doing. But it was never reciprocated. The last time we saw my daughter’s great-grandmother was for her birthday in April. We dropped off a gift at her work and spoke briefly. It was then that I could really feel things getting distant. Then my ex spiraled and was involved in two car accidents within days of each other. Shortly afterwards, his girlfriend gave birth to their baby boy. Making Emery an official big sister. And soon after the baby’s arrival, everyone besides my ex sister-in-law stopped communicating with me. Though we are all still friends on certain social media platforms there’s no interaction. And what I’m learning from all of this is that you can hope all that you want for things to be great between yourself and family after a divorce. You can even try your hardest to keep those relationships going for the sake of your child. But in the end, it has to be a two-way street for it to work. And sadly, that hasn’t been the case for us. 

Back at the end of May I stopped trying to arrange for visits or dinners because of the vague “plan to make plans” responses that never went further. Now we’re four months down the road and my daughter has stopped asking about them. With the exception of one and a few from out of state. Her dad has not exercised any of his visitation since June. Though he does call or FaceTime from time to time and has said that he’ll try to attend our family counseling sessions going forward. And she hasn’t seen her little brother in just as long. Now, at first, I was angry over all of this. We had been a part of this family for over ten years. How dare they just toss us to the side. I mean, I could understand the reason for my being excommunicated, but not my daughter. I expected more of an effort. I expected them to at least try to keep a relationship with her going. I expected them to care a bit more. To want more. Then, one afternoon while my brother and sister were down for a visit, my mother asked me if my ex had seen our daughter lately. My response opened up another conversation and as we all discussed what had been happening with that side of the family my mother thoughtfully said, “Sometimes, these things are for the best. God knows why he’s taking them out of y’alls lives. Maybe it’s better this way?” After discussing things a bit more we all agreed that what my mom was saying was right. 

If I were being honest, nothing had really changed from before. The only time we ever saw that side of the family (those in Texas) was over the holiday’s. Even though we all lived within fifteen minutes of each other. So, what was the difference, really? Nothing. And if effort was never put forth before then, why would it be now? Well, it wouldn’t. And y’all, my daughter and I have more than enough family and love to go around. Not only do we have my side of the family but we’re also gaining my partner’s family too. And they’ve been so wonderful to the both of us! My daughter gets to spend plenty of time with my parents and also with my partner’s parents. She’s spending time with the boys she calls her “step-brothers”, and their combined love for adventures has them outdoors being kids. The changes I’m seeing in her because of these new familial relationships have been very positive, and welcomed. 

Now, I know that my daughter is too young to really understand any of this, but one day she will. One day she’ll see who was actually making an effort to be a part of her life. And if by that time, nothing has changed then, it really is their loss. We'll keep in touch with those that want to, and the ones that don't - I wish them well. In the meantime, my daughter's gaining more family. She’s constantly learning new things. She’s being cared for and loved. So, in letting some people out of our lives, we’ve been blessed with many more. Our village is growing and I’m no longer angry. We’re doing really, really well. We’re moving forward. But most importantly, we’re happy. With or without them. We're happy.

Siempre tu Niña Chiquita

 A few weeks ago while we were sitting around the table drinking coffee at my parent’s house my dad mentioned that my grandfather was sick. His health had actually been on the decline for about a year now. His medication was being adjusted, and he was still recovering from a previous illness. So it was like a double whammy. In my mind, this was still my strong abuelito, and he had faced a lot worse before this so I just assumed that he’d fight through it. He’d get better and we’d be down for a visit at the end of this year like we had planned. I made a mental note to grab our passport paperwork that next week. 

Well, the weekend went by and we spent it running around from our house in town to the house out in the country. I was so focused on what all we needed to get finished before that Sunday that I didn’t really notice much else. I asked about my dad for updates on my grandpa and he would just give me the same answer: he’s sick; no improvement. I should have listened a little harder. What my dad really meant was that grandpa wasn’t going to get better. And by the time I realized it my mom was calling to let me know that grandpa was dying, “Your dad is going to drive down there this week. Your grandpa is deteriorating quickly. They don’t think he’ll make it much longer.” 

Now, not to toot my own horn or anything, but I think we all know that I was grandpa’s favorite. That's right, I'm lookin' at you, little brother. My grandpa loved us all but I was doted on the most. And I ate it up every time we saw each other. I was his “niña chiquita”. His “preciosa”. He would always scoop me up and twirl me around while listing off all of the terms of endearment he could think of. If I wanted to go to the corner store or “el centro” he’d be the first to say, “Vamos.” And off we’d go, hand in hand. There was this one particular story that he liked to tell everyone too. When I was about five or six he and my grandma came to visit us. My dad had some kind of tournament that we were at, and my mom had my brother and me in strollers. But I was getting really fussy and *ahem* bratty as the day went on so my grandpa came around to pick me up out of the stroller. Apparently, this caused me to let out some giggles and wrap my chubby arms around his neck. He walked with me clinging to him all throughout the park that day. I refused to let him put me down, he would say. He'd also mention that at one point someone turned on some music which caused me to start wiggling around. So he danced around with me to my delight. He always said it was one of his favorite memories. As I got older the twirls turned into long hugs, a kiss on the temple, and then he’d tell me how much he missed me. He’d ask me how I was doing and then he’d ask me to elaborate on the things that dad had already told him. He would listen intently and as I talked about my life. Regardless of what stage of it I was in. And trust me there were some ROUGH stages. 

Now, my grandpa wasn’t always the greatest man. He had his faults for sure. I had always had him up on this pedestal because he was just the greatest in my eyes. But I remember very vividly, the night that it went away. The night that I found out my grandpa wasn’t perfect. That he had made some pretty huge mistakes in his life. Here I was, listening to someone as they dished on all of our family dirt and it felt so horrible to have to hear it. I didn’t want to know these things. I didn’t want to see my grandpa in that light. But what I realized as I sat there listening to all of this history was that he was human. And he was trying to atone for his past mistakes. Even when it wasn’t the most popular thing to do. Even when it caused some of his own children anger. He was trying to do right. For that, I couldn’t fault him. And nothing was ever going to take away the love I felt for him. 

A little over two weeks ago, I saw my grandpa for the last time, over a video call. I tried so hard not to cry but as soon as he was told who I was his face lit up with recognition as he said “Ahh! Mi niña.” And the tears just came tumbling down. My grandpa, my abuelito querido, was really slipping away. His face was hollow and he looked so frail. Seeing him like that really squeezed my heart. He could be gone at any moment. I wiped the tears away and took a deep breath. “Todavía no estoy muerto. No llores mija,” he told me. I let out a little laugh and smiled at him. He smiled back and then asked me how I was doing. I tried to answer but my voice shook. I watched as his gaze drifted and then he started talking about something else. But then there was a pause as he looked at the screen. I cleared my throat, wiped away more tears, and then proceeded to let him know just how much I loved him. I told him that I wished that I were there and that I was sorry I couldn't be. I told him that dad would be on his way soon. He then pointed at one of my necklaces and said he wanted it. “Te lo doy,” I said. Emery made her way over to me and as she came into view one of my aunt’s told him who she was, and he smiled again. “Mi niña,” he said before closing his eyes. My aunt told me that he grew tired easily and would fall asleep. She cried right along with me as she explained that he was just getting worse by the day. After a few minutes, we ended the call. I immediately called my brother to let him know that he should try to call them too when he got the chance. After finishing up the conversation with him I took the medal - which had come as a pair with the one around my neck, and I slipped a black cord through it. I took it over to my parent’s house and told my dad to give it to my grandpa. We would now and forever have a matching set.

 

Last Friday, my grandpa took his final breath. I’m thankful that I was able to say goodbye on that last video call. Something we didn’t get with my grandmother. And I’m so happy that he got to see Emery one last time too. But I’m going to miss him more than I could ever express. I pray that he’s in peace. I pray that he was reunited with my abuelita. And I can’t wait to see him again someday.

 

Te quiero mucho y te voy a extrañar abuelito. Te llevas una parte de mi corazón contigo. Hasta que nos volvamos a ver siempre seré tu niña chiquita. 

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday