This is the year we wanted to either have already had a baby or be pregnant. And while a lot of people say, “It will happen when it happens.” For someone dealing with secondary infertility (self-diagnosed, but also implied by a doctor) those words are not comforting. Instead, it brings fear and a lot of sadness because what if? What if it doesn’t ever happen? And so, I can feel the pressure in my chest every month, and the disappointment with every negative pregnancy test result. Soon after, my cycle starts, and the sadness comes. I give myself time to cry in the shower before walking out as if nothing is wrong. Then it's back to temperature tracking and ovulation tests. And this happens every month, on repeat.
Of course, people ask why it’s such a big deal - “You just got married.” But the thing is we tried for months, then stopped. We tried again and then stopped. We’ve been together for over 4 years, and roughly two of those years were spent trying. It’s been rough if I’m being honest. Even on the months we weren’t trying it was always in the back of my mind. I’ve done my best to be hopeful. I’ve spent many nights and mornings praying. Please just let it be positive. 🙏 But now as we've started 2024, the pressure is building and it's brought with it, a countdown of sorts. Because after a lot of discussions, I expressed my desire to stop trying after I turned 37. And that happens at the end of this year.
Why the deadline, you may ask. Well, one of the concerns we discussed was the possibility of having a high-risk pregnancy. Did we want to take that gamble? Then of course there’s the age issue. Do we want to be in our 50’s or 60’s when our child graduates high school? Do we want them to have limited time with their grandparents because we had them later in life? Then there’s the issue of energy, and the ability to keep up with a child. We are already tired most of the time so would we have the energy to keep up with a child if we have them in our 40s? And finally, comes the increased possibility of our child having birth issues, defects, or disabilities. And while we would love any child, regardless of that, the concern is a financial one. Could we financially afford to give a child with a disability a good quality of life? The honest answer right now? No. Financially, there are times that we struggle. We are actively working on paying things off and decreasing our spending. In preparation for adding another member to our family. However, if we had to worry about extra care, hospital visits, treatments, or special needs - it would be extremely difficult for us. And to me, that’s not fair to a child.
Now, I get that these are all possibilities, "what ifs", and risks that have a lower chance of actually happening. But what if they did? And that is why I’ve stated my desire to stop trying after I turn 37. However, Corey is two years younger than me. And right now, he’s really wanting to have a child. When we go shopping for my nieces and nephew, he always talks about “our child”. And when we started discussing housing options, he always included room for a nursery. Even though he knows anything we do (buy, build, or remodel) won’t be done until next year -well after my self-imposed cut-off date. He doesn’t do this to be cruel, and he’s always agreed with me about not having children after a certain age. He’s just hopeful that it will happen this year.
On the other hand, I have been preparing myself for the opposite. I know I’ve talked about it before; about how sad it makes me. But there’s a finality to this year that’s just so different from past years. I think before there was always that “wiggle room” of hope. But since we've tried for a while now, and it hasn’t happened yet, it makes me think that it won’t. Or if we are just struggling with the conceiving process - we can’t financially afford to do IUI or IVF. That option takes time and money, and we have no local doctors who provide these services either. They are all in the metroplex (1.5+ hours away). Those doctors are also out of network, which leaves us with significantly fewer options.
So here we are. I’ve been trying to lean on God for this. Which I know sounds contradicting to everything I just wrote, because technically these are MY plans, not HIS. I know I'm supposed to trust in HIM. But I’m human, and sometimes that’s hard. So instead, I’ve just been asking for strength. Strength to get through this year - whatever may come. Strength to accept the things I have no control over. I also ask for help in being a good mom to my daughter. I am so, so, so thankful that he gave her to me, and if she’s the only child I get - I’m beyond blessed already. But above all else, I pray for peace because it's desperately needed. I’m so tired of letting the pressure, the disappointment, and the sadness get to me every month. But to let it all go, and allow myself to be okay, I need HIS help.
"For I know well the plans I have in mind for you—oracle of the LORD—plans for your welfare and not for woe, so as to give you a future of hope."
// Jeremiah 29:11
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