Be Sure

As with all life changing decisions, they shouldn't be made on a whim. Sometimes, it's hard for me to remember that. I shouldn't make any decisions while angry or when I'm upset. I have to be patient, and remember that all things end up being revealed in the end on their own time. But that doesn't change the battle I’m going through now; at this very moment. It doesn't change the hurt I feel, or the wave of disappointment that washes over me. It doesn't change the fact that SOMETHING needs to be decided or life won’t change for the better. 

As much as I want balance, strength, and a level head to help guide me in the right direction I know that things will not be that simple. I wish I could tell all of you what exactly I was talking about because I hate being so cryptic, and vague. But, I can’t. At least not until I've decided what should be done. Which door to open and hold on to for dear life. I know that I’m going to suffer a bit. I haven’t even really thrown myself into this yet and I already feel emotionally spent, and exhausted. I can only imagine what it will feel like if this takes me months to act on, which I'm certain it will. But this is something I have to go through. On my own. Having more opinions and input thrown at me will only cloud up my mind; making this harder. And I've realized that this is something that only I can decide for myself. As empowering as that is it’s also still really scary. Not knowing what lies on the other side of either decisions has me taking a step back. 

But I’m committed to doing away with negativity. I’m committed to being more at peace with myself, and to only chase after paths that will bring a positive change into my life as well as my family’s. That said, it still doesn't make this any easier. The repercussions of either decision will ripple out and effect so many others. And I’m not even sure if I’m ready for that? If I even want to set that in motion. So for now, I’m just praying for a clear mind and a clear heart. And I’m asking you to send me some positive energy, because I’ll need it. This decision may take months or even a year to decide on, but when it’s time I want to make sure that I've thought everything through. I want to be absolutely certain that this is the right thing for me; for us. 

I want to be sure.

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Wordless Wednesday

Mexico

When I was little, up until I turned 18, my family and I would always find time to make a trip to Mexico to visit family. The majority of my father’s side lives in Ciudad Victoria, Tamaulipas and we’d make an attempt to visit every other year when possible. As I was growing up I absolutely loved it! I looked forward to spending that week with my grandparents, and all of my cousins. We would have huge family dinners, lots of family gatherings at different houses, and so much fun playing at the local cancha with all of the neighborhood kids. Man, I wish I could tell all of you the many stories I have from there. I don't think there was a single visit that didn't hold some kind of adventure for us. It held the newness of a different place, the familiarity of family, and the much needed getaway. Mexico definitely holds a special place in my heart.

So, a few weekends ago my dad said he wanted to take a trip to Mexico either this fall or next summer, and wanted to know if we wanted to go too! He’s currently saving money to renew his and my mom’s passports for this trip and hopes to have everything done by this fall if not sooner. He offered to pay for Emery’s passport and told us to let him know so we could start planning. Our first responses were “YES!” of course we’d love to go. All of us together, with our respective families, making the trip to go see family in Mexico for the first time in years sounded like the most amazing thing in the world. I could only hope to be so blessed! The thought of my grandparents finally getting to meet my husband and daughter in person did so many things to my heart. And I was already thinking of the many things we’d be able to show them. How much better could it possibly get, right?? But then reality set in and even though my brother is still pretty set on going, whenever the time comes, I’m a bit undecided.

As many people already know things in certain parts of Mexico aren't great. The past few years have been tainted with massacres, bombings, and kidnappings. Mexican’s who had American relatives were threatened on a daily basis (we experienced this first hand). And many of the cities were put on lock-downs or curfews. My grandparents city included. Since then, it’s gotten a lot better, but there’s no doubt that the threat is there. Now, I haven’t really read up on whether American’s are still being targeted or if the violence is just being played out between cartels.We know a lot of people that have safely gone and come back regularly. But like many of you my husband has also read the horror stories about the violence going on. So when I suggested the trip he immediately shut it down. He said something along the lines of “No way are we risking our safety for a visit. We have a daughter to think about!”

He’s pretty set on this answer. I’m sure he thinks I’m insane for even attempting to talk him into it. And I've tried to remove my feelings from this and think about it in a realistic way. What are the chances of something happening to us while we’re down there? Is he just being a “negative Nancy” and thinking of only the bad? Maybe he’s just being overprotective? But as much as it pains me to admit it I constantly wonder if he’s right? I love my family in Mexico and I would love for them all to meet my family. I think Emery would have a blast, and I truly miss it. I want to go back. But right now, I’m wondering if this is the best idea? Should I take a chance and risk it? I know that we aren't supposed to live our lives in fear because then we’d never experience life. But where do I draw the line?

A Slow Shift

Lately, I've been feeling like my life is going through some sort of shift. Spring is here and for me this is when the new year really begins. It’s always been a time for me to take a step back, and just enjoy the outdoors with my family again. I end up doing a lot of cleaning, purging, and donating as well. Making sure that we’re ready for Summer. And since Winter leaves us with an extreme case of cabin fever the minute we’re able to put on some shorts and enjoy the sun we definitely do. And it usually takes a lot to get us to turn back. For me, Spring truly feels like we’re shaking out the cold, and breathing in the new freshness.

As much as this still applies to me this year I also feel like I’m “shaking out” a lot of unwanted negativity in myself and my life this time around. Last year was filled with a lot of drama, a lot of grown up decisions I didn't think I was ready for, and some not so great choices that led to some heavy consequences. I felt like no matter what I did I kept taking steps back. I was being held in place; stuck. But this year, this spring, I feel like I’m finally jumping forward.

I've made a commitment to be a better parent, and to put more effort into taking care of my marriage. I've reinforced some friendships and dissolved others. I've taken a step back from school because there was too much going on and I wasn't able to keep up (or afford it). I've learned to not only be happy of the time spent with my family but to show them. Express my gratitude for their help, support, and love. I've made peace with last year, and have decided to leave it in the past. I've decided to learn from it, and allow it to make me better. Stronger. Rather than allow it to become a repeat. Circles are continuous and I do not want to be stuck in that circle any longer.

So, this year will be better because I choose it to be. Just in saying that, I feel like a lot has been lifted from my shoulders. I've taken the pressure off (a bit) in order to look at things realistically. Know my limits, my expectations, and figure out what I’m willing to fight for. Sure it’s not all peachy, life will always throw a curve-ball or take you for a very unexpected ride, but I’m getting to where I want to be. I’m truly learning the meaning of “baby steps”, and I’m perfectly content with my life moving at that speed. It’s a slow shift, but a good one. And I can’t wait to see where the outcome, the fruits of my labor, take me.

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Prayers for West

This week just needs to be over with already. First the Boston bombings and now the West fertilizer plant explodes. I swear there needs to be a universal rules that limits the amount of tragedies the world should be able to handle in one month. Two in one week should not be allowed. But there goes my wishful thinking because I know that bad things happen every day somewhere. Still, a girl can hope right?

Last night a friend of mine asked for prayers for everyone involved. West, TX is about an hour and a half away from where I live, and it's not uncommon for people to have relatives or friends that live there. In fact, my boss man has a friend that lives there who he checked in with this morning. Thankfully they were safe, but  he told them that the death toll would more than likely go up. And that is just heartbreaking.

Throughout all of this, I keep hearing that even with such a tragedy many where able to be evacuated before the explosion happened. Many more are thankful that this happened when school was out, because apparently the intermediate is right next to the plant. I think we'd all be in a much different mind set this morning if that had happened. There has been a bit of looting which is such a disappointment, and makes me a bit angry. But above it all, kindness has been shining through and that's something that I'm so proud of!

So today my thoughts and prayers are with those directly affected by this. For those that lost their loved ones, or have loved ones that are hurt. And for all of the first responders that are there or traveling there to help.

Wordless Wednesday

Prayers For Boston

By now everyone’s heard about the Boston Marathon bombing. As someone who loves running, and one day hopes to witness the Boston Marathon take place in person, I was completely heartbroken when I first heard the news. Every year people from all over the world train long and hard to be invited to compete in this marathon. And thousands more go just to watch and be a part of it all. Some people run for a cause, a loved one, or just themselves. To show that they can do it, whatever their reasons. And it’s such a tragedy that this 26.2 mile accomplishment was tainted by such a horrendous act brought on by some coward(s).

Over the past 24 hours I've seen a lot of different reactions and comments about this incident, and not all of it has been respectful. In fact, some of it has been down right rude. Now, I know that it could have been worse. I know that the casualties could have been higher. And I know that this happens a lot on a daily basis in other countries (my heart goes out to them every day). But that doesn't make what happened in Boston yesterday any less horrible. Three lives were lost, and that’s three too many. Over 140 people were injured, and that’s 140 too many. And I know that there is always evil out in the world. I’m not completely naïve. But as an American I’m a little disappointed in some of the comments that were made yesterday by fellow Americans. Because I believe that instead of making jokes, or downplaying the the seriousness of what happened we should all be coming together by being helpful, respectful, and sympathetic.

For many yesterday was supposed to be a wonderful Patriots day! It was sunny, warm, and a perfect day to be outdoors. For many it was a day off to spend with their loved ones. Or a day to beat their last personal best at their first (or 5th) run. A day to cheer on a loved one, or complete a 26.2 mile run. It was supposed to be a good day. And it truly breaks my heart that it was tainted this way.

And to those that aren't being very nice try to remember that there are always men, women, children, family, and friends that are being directly affected by these tragedies. So we should all keep in mind that the people that were taken away yesterday, and all of those that were injured mattered greatly to someone out there. The loss of life can’t be undone, and those injured will be forever changed. And it should be our jobs as humans to care. Thankfully, even with all of the negative I was still left in awe of the kindness that was shown over and over.

p.s. You should read
Patton Oswalt's thoughts
on what happened yesterday.
Very inspirational.

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Wordless Wednesday

Familia

Growing up, I was always very close to my family. I didn't move out until I was 19. Despite all of the crap I put my family through I always had them by my side. Even so, I think know there were times when I took them for granted. Teenagers seem to do that. I always LOVED my family but there were times when I didn't LIKE them. Except for my brother, he was/is always on my love list. Of course, typical teenage thought process really clouded my brain in that way. Because, you know, you’re parents are always trying ruin your life at 16. Darn them!

Now that I’m older with a family of my own I've learned to appreciate the time spent together. Not just us three, but my extended and “adopted” as well. For me, a great time is barbecuing at my parents house surrounded by my family and friends. We get loud, play different kinds of music, and dance around. There is always a lot of laughter and fun between us all. We spend our time outside instead of in front of the TV. We sit around the table and talk with one another. There is always food being cooked (not so great for my diet). Someone's always debating, and my grandmother is always pinching someone because they aren't paying attention. :) This is how we spend time together as a family.

This past weekend was one of those weekends. Family from Georgia came down and Emery was able to play with her cousin for the first time. We had our friend Joel bring his family down from Goldthwaite. More family from Weatherford came down in the evening. We spent our entire day outside-- except for lunch time, and dinner time. The kids ran around, ate popsicles, and played in the dirt. I haven’t seen Emery have that much fun, or go to sleep so early (8:30) in awhile. It was so perfect, and it really made my heart happy.

When Sunday night came around, I felt so blessed to have the family and support that we do. I felt so happy knowing that Emery will grow up with this over abundance of love in her life. Whether she appreciates it or not as she's growing up, it will always be there. And that’s something that really reassures me that everything will be okay. Emery will always get to see the happiness, the laughter, and the kindness that we all show for one another. No matter how hard things get, or what obstacles present themselves, we’ll always have our family. We’ll always have this time together. And that’s something I’m really thankful for. This past weekend made me realize just how important that feeling is; how important familia is.

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The Day We Went To The Zoo

Last week I had Good Friday off from work so we decided to head to the Fort Worth Zoo. Now, I’m an animal lover and Emery has been showing such interest in them lately (thanks to Dora & Diego) that I just knew she’d enjoy it! We woke up early to go have breakfast, and then see my mother-in-law before heading up to the city. Once we stopped by we found out that my sister-in-law was off from school so we invited her to join us, and Emery got even more excited for the road trip.

The map I printed out beforehand made the place look huge and a bit daunting. But once we got there I saw that it wasn't as big as I thought it would be. We made our way through the entire zoo in about 4 hours. This includes stopping for pictures, rides, and having lunch. The entire drive Emery kept saying she wanted to see Kangaroo’s and I was really hoping we'd make it to that section before she started to get tired and cranky. Thankfully we had plenty of time to see all of the animals (minus the insects because I just didn’t want to see those) without incident. And true to her three year old word, Em was pretty excited when we finally saw the Kangaroos! They were pretty lazy the entire time though; just lounging about. She still loved it though. She even had a blast watching the penguins and getting to pet a lizard! Overall, it was such a fun visit and Emery keeps asking to go back!

As much fun as we had the animal lover in me was really sad. Some people don’t really get the whole “captivity” thing and don’t notice anything wrong, but we could see the stress coming from some of the animals. The pacing, and swiping at people coming from the White Tiger. The way one of the chimpanzee’s REFUSED to look at humans. He literally did everything with his back turned. Some of the big birds kept swooping down, squawking, and trying “snatch” at people walking underneath the netting. And the coyotes had an area about half the size of my entire house to “run around” in. Like I said, it was a bit sad. But what can one do really? Most of these animals couldn’t be returned to their natural habitats simply because they’ve all been born in captivity. Most wouldn't know how to survive, and some would be shunned.

Wordless Wednesday

Our Easter Sunday

The perks of being the only child under ten in our family really paid off on Easter Sunday for Emery. My family didn't have anything planned really besides a dinner so we went off to my husband's grandmother's house for lunch and an Easter egg hunt.

First we picked up the clothes, and a basket that my parents bought her. Then we made our way over to Gigi's (great-grandma's) house. The day started out a bit windy, but once it hit noon it was a perfect day. We had a lovely lunch, watched a movie, and then let Emery have an Easter egg hunt. Once we left there, we made our way over to my parents house for dinner. We were all sleepy by this point, so we decided to skip out on a second egg hunt and just allow her to have a basket filled with candy eggs, and chocolate. We had dinner and then watched a bit of TV. I'm pretty sure we were all in a food coma by this point. We finally pried ourselves off the couch long enough to say goodbye, eat some chocolate, and get our butts in the car.

By the time we made it home we were all pooped. We all showered, and snuggled up for a movie. Once Emery fell asleep I divided the candy all up, and hid the majority of it. As much from myself as from her. Seriously, what kid needs that much candy? Heck, what ADULT needs that much candy? None I tell you. I'm pretty sure I'll be taking some to work and pawning it off on the guys. They can at least enjoy it all without it going straight to their thighs. Any way, I hope you all had a lovely Easter weekend! I'm still re-cooperating. Have a lovely Tuesday, everyone!  :)

A One Child Family

Recently, I’ve been asked a lot about when I’ll have a second child. When I respond with “Well, I actually think we might be done.” I get the usual “What? Really? Why wouldn’t you want Emery to have a sibling?” or the “Aww, so she’s going to be an only child? She’ll be so lonely! Why not have another one, two is the perfect number!” I try my best to shake off the comments but I'd be lying if I said I’m not usually left feeling a bit guilty about this decision afterwards. So I back track and say “Well, we’re waiting till I finish school before deciding anything.” I plaster on a smile and go on with my day. But their words usually stick with me and I find myself second guessing my reasoning. Am I really being selfish for not having another child?

The truth though, is that I’d love to have another child. To me, two is definitely the perfect number. In fact, when I was pregnant I was secretly hoping for twins so I would be done. But now that we’re almost out of the TERRIBLE THREE stage, I don’t know if I want to go through it all over again. The pregnancy was rough, and natural child birth is painful (the only way I'd go). Not to mention all of this terrible two/three/whatever else is ahead already had me front and center to be put back on birth control. Also, my schedule right now is packed so at the end of my day I am exhausted. Exhausted. And I only have ONE child! The husband can’t technically count as a child. I honestly don't know how I’d manage with another baby. I'm sure we'd adjust, but then we'd also be repeating the cycle all over again. And I'm not sure if I want to go through it all again. Okay, maybe that is a bit selfish.

Then, I’m always considering finances. My husband was recently laid off so we are back to being a one income family. This is rough when it took two incomes to cover all of your expenses. So we've had to tighten up. Penny pinching, and coupons. It’s hard enough already with just three of us that I feel bringing another child into our family right now (or in the immediate future) would just weigh on us even more. I wouldn't have the luxury of enjoying the pregnancy because the doctor bills alone would give me a made case of anxiety. Now, I know people say that “If you wait for everything to be perfect, you’ll never do anything.” I was told this many times when I was pregnant and freaking out about the timing. And I get that it makes sense. I get that you can’t put everything off, but I think that choosing to have another child when you’re already strained in the financial department is probably one of the most irresponsible things I could do.

So for now, I'm just trying my best to enjoy us as we are. Looking at my little family I can honestly say that I love that it's just us three. Sure sometimes I get baby fever like a motherf**ker, and I have to talk myself out of forcing the husband to impregnate me. But that's all it is, baby fever. Fever that I don't act on. And I like that even on just one income we get by with a little extra on the side to take her out for a treat on the weekend. I like not having to worry about diapers and formulas. Although sometimes I’d gladly have those back instead of the temper tantrum’s we’re facing now. I like that I can just put Emery in the car seat and we’re off on our one little adventure; no diaper bag needed. I feel that we socialize Emery enough with other kids as well as adults for her to not be lonely. And I like the idea of only being 41 when Emery goes off to college and we could actually help pay for her to go to a great school! Maybe this makes us selfish, but this is how we feel right now. I like where we’re at. It could all change tomorrow, or in a few years though. We still have plenty of time to decide the final head count for our family. But for now, I feel like one is right. One is enough. One is perfect.