What's Next For Us?

Well, that's a pretty loaded question if I'm being honest. It’s been a little over two weeks since everything changed for us. It’s still a really weird feeling to know that I’m divorced- I don’t even like to say it out loud. Since last week’s posts things have calmed down, and we’ve managed to smooth over a lot. By the end of this month Beau will be out of state for work if everything goes accordingly so we’re trying to come up with a good game plan and schedule together. We’ve talked more about our future living arrangements. And last week it was officially decided that Emery and I would stay in our current home while Beau was on the road. Since he’ll only be coming down once a month he can stay in Emery’s room, and be able to spend time with her. This will also give him some time to save in order to get his own place when he’s back permanently. Originally, I had planned to move out. Which, I’ll be honest, was a hard decision but one I was willing to follow through with because I have family that will help me out by giving me a place to stay until I get on my feet. Where Beau does not. Our rent is really affordable and he knew that he could swing that with his single income. Plus he’d have the extra room for when Emery went to stay with him. And that was one of the main reasons why I was okay with being the one to move. However, after talking it over some more we realized that this was a better decision in the long run and less disruptive for Emery. So, we ended up contacting our current landlord and asked that they keep Beau in mind if anything of theirs becomes available in February or March. Within the same price range as what we currently have. They agreed to contact us first if anything opens up.

Now, my daughter has been at the forefront of my mind for all of my decisions. She's the main reason for why I'm keeping my head up, and looking at things from a place of love rather than anger. Keeping things civil. Keeping things honest. Keeping things positive. When I first said that this was the end of the line for me in our relationship Beau said, “This isn’t right. She deserves to have two parents under one roof with her.” And he’s right. Ideally, that would have been the preferable outcome. She does deserve to have two parents under one roof. Parents that get along. Parents that have their shit together. Parents who can have disagreements without yelling or name calling. Parents who show respect for one another. But then I recalled a conversation she and I had on our way to school one morning where she said, “Mommy, I don’t ever want to get married.” When I asked her why she had such a strong opinion against marriage she responded with, “Because that just means a lot of fighting and arguing like you and daddy. And no one is ever happy.” When I told Beau about this he sighed heavily before letting out an “Okay”. I’d like to think that something clicked for him that night. That he realized what our relationship looked like to our daughter. A bad one. And that he knew it was better for us to get along, and be separate than to continue on for the sake of being able to say she had two parents under one roof. 

So, on December 1st, I officially sat down with Emery to let her know what was going on. I expressed how much we both love her. “Oh, I know mommy.” I told her about us discussing living arrangements, and that we’d let her know as soon as we made a decision. “You mean I’ll get to live in two different houses? That’s kind of cool. Can I decorate however I want?” And then we both let her know that she could talk to us about anything. That each of us were always going to be available to her. “I know. I get it. Everything is going to be okay mommy.” We went over a few other things about feelings, and missing each other. She had a few questions and I did my best to answer them. The whole thing ended in a lot of hugs, kisses, and “I love you’s”. So now that everything has officially been decided I’ve been doing a lot of cleaning, and donating items I don’t need anymore. Clothes, shoes, books. Emery was just excited that she didn’t have to pack up ALL of her things just yet. “When daddy gets a house I only have to pack half of my stuff? Sweet!”, she exclaimed when I informed her of what we were doing. I feel like this is just another adventure for her. When I asked how she felt about one day having two homes she said that she was fine with it. That she knew other kids who had divorced parents so it wasn’t going to be weird. And even though this is not something I ever wanted her to experience I’m relieved that she’s handling things so well. Especially for her age. In fact, I’m pretty sure she’s handling this a lot better than I am. Kids, right?

For now we’re just trying to go about life as normal as possible. We still do a lot of things together as a family. I know some would argue that this can be confusing for our daughter, but we've been very clear about what is happening. I even took Beau as my plus one to the company Christmas party. We had decided on it a few months ago, and we actually had a good time. Our Christmas Day and New Years plans are still the same too. We've always split the day between our families and have no interest in changing that up. However, the dynamic in our relationship has noticeably shifted. Speaking for me anyway. The sadness is still there, but it’s also mixed in with some hope. Hope for a calmer future. For a co-parenting relationship that sets a good example. Hope that our daughter won’t need over a year's worth of therapy to overcome the negative outlook she has on marriage because of us. Ha! Too soon? All jokes aside, Beau is someone that I love and care deeply about. And this was not how I wanted things to turn out for us. But since they have I want us to be able to move forward in life in an amicable and loving way. No more anger. So here we go, y’all. Onward and upward. New chapters and shit. 

And that's about as much as I’d like to disclose in regards to this part of my life. For now. Obviously things change all of the time, but Christmas is right around the corner and I want to spend it with my family. All of them.  I have one more week of work and then it will be ten whole days of getting to enjoy Christmas, family time, and ring in the New Year with the people I love most. I don't want to stress or think about all of the changes that are coming at us full force in the next few months. I just want to enjoy this time. Peace, love, and life-- you know? So, I really want to end 2018 in a good, happy, and positive way. And if you don’t mind, send us some good vibes or prayers as we start to navigate our new normal in life please? It'd be greatly appreciated. 💓

What I Want in The New Year

Looking back on this time last year I really just wanted to get through it, eyes closed tight, and I was so ready for the year to be over with at the same time. I remember sitting in my parents house, and dealing with my situation the best way that I could. This time around I felt different. More aware? More in tune? I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to look at this time of the year in the same way that I used to. There's just a lot of bad that's associated with it. However, I'm trying my best to get passed all of that. To look at this time of year as a way for me to shed the old, and clear my mind. To put out good intentions, and open myself up to receiving the good as well. 

So, in order to be more positive I decided I would jot down the things that I hoped for this year. There would be no finish line though. None of this "lose 25 lbs by summer", or "pick up a new hobby by February" stuff. Instead there would be more compassion, and improvement on how I viewed things. How I treated others, and myself too. I hope to be a bit more selfish this year, and by that I mean doing a lot more "self care". As cliche as that sounds. I feel like I should spend more time looking out for my feelings, and emotions. Manifestation; which I'll write more about at another time. I want to really practice that whole "remove negativity from your life" idea. Take the time to enjoy more of the moments with family, and friends that I'm given. If I've learned anything in the twenty-nine years I've been on this earth, it's that all of the moments are fleeting. They quickly become memories, and I want to be able to say that I remember savoring every drop of it. I know I've talked about social media "detox" before, but in this day it seems really hard to put it into practice for some of us. Mainly because it seems this is the only way we ever keep in contact with each other. So, what I did a few months ago was delete apps, and disable notifications. I only check accounts when I remember, which believe it or not, isn't that often. Probably why it's taken me so long to get back on here. I've also renewed my gym membership because exercise is important to me. I read more bedtime stories with my daughter, and have less screen time. I started to journal again like my previous counselor told me I should. I *meditate 3 minutes a day. when I remember, like he suggested as well. I'm also trying to be more expressive with my support of others. Before I felt that it was implied, or assumed, when certain people in my life had my support. Now I see that some of them need to hear it, and see it. My intentions aren't always as clear as I assume they come off to be. So there's always room for improvements, and learning. I plan on taking advantage of it all this year.

I know it's a lot to work on, and a lot to really hone in on for me. I think what it all boils down to is me being more vocal. To not let things simmer under the surface. Forgive to the best of my abilities. Take stock in the good that I do have, and not dwell on the bad. It all passes in time. Love as much, and as fully as I can too. People need to see it, and feel it. Be happy with myself; for my well being as well as those around me. For my life to change, and be a positive one I really need to embrace where I'm at and the people in it. So here's to this New Year...

*If any of you are interested in meditation the Calm app/desktop web application is pretty awesome! 

Simple, Healthy Living

I feel like I'm currently in the middle of a transformation phase in life. I've realized the importance of stepping back when looking at different situations. I've also realized that I want to change a lot of things in my life. My priorities, my habits, what I put into our bodies, and the way we live. I've attempted this before, on a smaller scale, but I didn't have the same outlook as I do now. I did things half-assed, for lack of better words. I felt really disappointed in myself for not keeping up with my personal goals, or for putting some of my most important priorities on the back burner. I let myself procrastinate, and ignore the opportunities to allow anything different into my life altogether. I didn't have the motivation or want to really change because change itself can be a scary thing. For someone like myself who constantly craves something different, but doesn't know exactly how to go about getting it, life can get a bit confusing. I wasn't entirely sure when I should take plunges or when I should wait something out.
This is where my goals, my inspirations, for the year come in. I have so many of them planned, and a few I've already talked about on here before. Some of them I will have to build up too, and others I'll start immediately. The month of January has been my "get ready" month. We were displaced, I was figuring some things out about myself, and we were a bit stuck in limbo. Finally we moved into our new (for now) home. Our life was pretty hectic and chaotic during the months of December and January. It's taken quite some time for us to finally settle. Now that we're in a good place, and everything is in order I feel like I can finally get started on allowing positive change into my life.
For starters I want to live more simply. With this move, I've been able to purge a lot of our things. Our house isn't tiny, but it's not what we were in before. So, we've had to leave a few things behind. We haven't had the best weather here recently, but hopefully this upcoming Saturday I'll be able to go back to our old house and pack up the rest of what we want to keep. This will include clothes, shoes, & Emery's toys. If it doesn't fit or if it hasn't been missed it will go into the donation bags or into the trash. I've also taken some inspiration from Sash over at Inked in Colour. She's doing a whole year of "nothing new"! Now, while I admire her will power I'm not quite there yet. Still, I think that I need to start looking at things on a need basis rather than a want. So this year, I'd like to take more trips to the flea market & garage sales. I want to buy more second hand when I can, and that includes visiting the local thrift shops more often.
I've also stated that I want to take longer breaks from technology. I'm surrounded by it at work, and I go home to it every night. But because of it, I was missing moments. I wasn't as focused, and I really want to change that. I want to be more involved with my daughter, my family, and my community. For me that means putting the phone down, closing the laptop, and leaving the tablet alone. The weather hasn't really permitted it, but I want us to be outdoors more. I want to hike some local trails and visit more parks. 
And this leads me into our lifestyle changes. I want to be more active, and eat healthier. I was doing such a great job before the holiday's and then we had to move in with my parents (sodas, chips, and cookies everywhere!). So I've had a huge setback. But I want to change that, from now going forward for the rest of the year. I'm looking into getting a gym membership again, because I truly miss getting in those work outs. I've had a drastic change in energy levels and I'm not liking it. I spent a lot of the month of January cutting back on sweets, and adding more vegetables. Now that we're on our own, I have better control over what we keep in the house. It helps a lot when you're trying to stay away from temptation. 
So that's the plan! I'm trying my hardest to get rid of excuses and just get it done. I've had enough down time for the year. It's time to start getting rid of some things and changing others. And it's just time. If I want more good in my life, I need to put more good out there. So here's to the "official" beginning of this new year for us!  

  

We Found It!

Two Sunday's ago, literally by a miracle, we found a house to rent. Everything else we had looked at was either way over our budget or too old (and me saying that means something because I LOVE old things). We had been house searching for a month and had come up with nothing. The longer we stayed at my parents house the more I was convinced we’d never be able to move out on our own ever again. A little over dramatic, I know. Thankfully through prayers and a very social mother, we found our new home.

This house was still undergoing renovations when we found it. The inside of the house burned down two years ago, so it was basically a shell. The owner I spoke to was really sweet, and she let us know everything about the house. She told me they had all of the paper work to show me that the house was being completely renovated from the floor up. Seeing as how we had a daughter she wanted to make sure that we knew this house would be safe and that they would make sure it passed all inspections before we moved in. When I explained our situation, she told me that they would hire some extra help and have it finished by the 15th. And then she told me the price and I almost hugged her! I was ready to sign a lease right then and there, but I figured I should let my husband see it first since he knows more about structures than I do.

The next day, the owner left the house unlocked so we could look at it and speak freely without her there. At first glance my husband was really skeptical. He had left the whole “find a new house” up to me since I’m usually pretty picky, but when I mentioned that the house had once burned down he wasn't too thrilled. Or confident in my house hunting capabilities. But with some reasoning I think he finally came around. He spoke to the owners about a corner of the living room being a bit un-level, and they promised to even it out as much as they could (the soil the house is on sinks a bit so shifting of the foundation occurred a long time ago). Other than that, he realized he had no other issues. The house was great! It was within our monthly price range, perfect size, and right outside of town. Emery had already claimed her room, and the owners told us to stop by at anytime to see how the house was coming along. So, we gave them our deposit that day.

Since then, I've been so excited! We were finally going to have our own space again. Our own house, our own privacy. I love my parents to death, but space is a good thing. Really! So why is this the first time you've heard of this? Well, I hadn't mentioned anything on here before because I didn't want to jinx it. With our luck, something (like another ice storm) would happen and the finish date would be pushed back. Or the owners would decide that they didn't like us and refuse to rent to us. Maybe they’d decided that rent was too low and up the price? Or maybe I’d lose my job and we’d be back on a single income? I know, I know. It was highly unlikely. Well, the first one was plausible seeing as how the weather has a mind of its own these days. But still, I was afraid that something would go wrong.

Until this past Saturday!! On Saturday we signed all of the paperwork and we started moving in on Sunday!! We don't have a lot of stuff, so the move should continue to be pretty easy. And I'm also using this time to purge everything that we don't need. Since my parents are talking about getting rid of the double wide altogether, whatever stays will be trashed. It actually feels pretty liberating. And this move was one of my main inspirations for the next goals I have planned for myself. But that's a subject for another post! Until then, here's to new beginnings!

Unexpected Understanding

On Friday evening, as I was headed home from work, I had myself a good cry. I know it sounds silly, but sometimes it really is all you need. The issues and frustrations of the past month had been weighing heavily on my shoulders, and at the end of the day one short little phone call set me off. Our problems just seemed never ending. HOW would we afford to move? HOW would we ever get caught up on our bills? HOW was I going to pay for my extra classes? HOW would I be able to even afford gas for the drive? HOW? WHEN? WHERE? WHY? And  those are just the tip of the iceberg. At the end of the  day it was all just...too much.

Once I was home I shut myself into our tiny little room and just let it all go. Halfway through my little pity party Emery walked in, and she sat next to me quietly for a few minutes. She patted me on the back and asked me if I was feeling bad. I told her I was having a bit of a bad day, but everything was okay. She then stood up, and took me by the hand while saying "Mommy, lets get ice cream and go for a drive." So, I gathered my stuff, wiped away the tears, and we went for that ice cream and drive. As we headed out I started to play Emery's favorite music, but halfway through the first song she asked me to turn it off. Confused a bit, since she always loves music, I asked if she wanted me to just change the song instead. She gave me this look and said "No Mommy. Off." After ten minutes of silence, she started to hum on her own, and a few more seconds later she started to sing this song:

If you haven't seen Frozen yet, you should.

And don't you know, I started smiling. And laughing! My daughter, in her own little way, knew exactly how I was feeling. I didn't want noise, just a bit of quiet to think. And once I'd had enough of that, she sang me a pretty cool (and dare I say fitting) song. I looked it up on my playlist, and we started to sing it together. It stayed on repeat for a good fifteen minutes of our drive!

When we finally made it home, I wasn't feeling so down. In fact, I had a new resolve to figure things out. I need to have a plan and stick with it. We will get through it, and we will be okay. We're strong, and we're together. I know that our issues won't go away. Our money problems are still there. But, we'll figure it out. And I know that I'll do whatever it takes to make sure my family has everything that they need. :)

A Short Recap Of The Holidays

Well hello, 2014. That definitely came up a lot faster than I expected. Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and New Years! Here's a SHORT (it only looks long because of the pictures) recap of what we were up to: 
I had the whole week of Christmas off (paid), thanks to a really wonderful boss! I don't know how I got so lucky to find this company but I am truly grateful for it. My first day of vacation was all planned out, when we got the news that one of my aunt's sisters died very unexpectedly (she was in her 40's) from the flu. And that kicked off a very hectic holiday for us. We had family from Georgia coming down again, and family from California coming in at the same time. 

my uncle at the last minute decided to hold up his "gat" and blocked my face :( also this was only half of us
On Christmas night, our puppy Gotham died after getting into some cow patties out at my husband's grandmother's house. As far as we can tell, she probably got into some poisonous mushrooms. She vomited a few times during the day, but then went back to her normal self. I assumed she was just hacking up whatever didn't agree with her because she seemed fine as we headed home. She was bouncy, and playful so nothing seemed out of the norm. We put her in her crate for the night and when we woke up she was gone. :( We were all very heartbroken, and at a loss. This makes two dogs in less than three months so my husband and I have decided to hold off on any more dogs for awhile. Unless something comes up, we won't be seeking to add another fur-baby to our family anytime soon. 

We officially said goodbye to our old house. We gathered what we could bring with us (read: what would fit in a tiny room) and shut everything off at our old house. We left behind the majority of our things that will be boxed up as soon as we find our own place, but for now we'll keep them there. My family has talked about knocking the house down as soon as we're all moved out. It's sad, bittersweet, but the house is not livable so there are hardly any other alternatives. There are so many memories in this house, on this land, and it makes me so sad to see it go.   

We rang in the New Year with Beau's family. The afternoon was spent at my parents house with them, so we were able to spend time with both of our families. But, being the responsible adults that we are, we wanted to make sure that we stayed wherever it was that we'd be drinking at. I don't mean getting drunk either because I had two glass of wine and my husband had 3 beers. I don't like driving anywhere regardless of whether it's one drink or six. So we stayed there with everyone. Our age is showing though because out of all of us only 4 adults stayed up to midnight. And we went to bed shortly after the countdown was over. :) 

I know this says Christmas but it was taken on New Years Eve. I did not take this either; credit goes to Taylor.
So that was our holiday. Our California family have returned to California and the last of our Georgia family will be leaving over the weekend. My vacation time was a lot busier than I had hoped but I enjoyed getting to see everyone. Now it's back to work, and back to school. I have a meeting with a student board next week, and if everything goes as planned my spring semester will start on the 13th. We're also currently looking at some houses and I'm hoping to be in our own place by the end of this month. Fingers crossed! Again, I hope you all had a wonderful time with your families over the holiday's! 

A Slow Shift

Lately, I've been feeling like my life is going through some sort of shift. Spring is here and for me this is when the new year really begins. It’s always been a time for me to take a step back, and just enjoy the outdoors with my family again. I end up doing a lot of cleaning, purging, and donating as well. Making sure that we’re ready for Summer. And since Winter leaves us with an extreme case of cabin fever the minute we’re able to put on some shorts and enjoy the sun we definitely do. And it usually takes a lot to get us to turn back. For me, Spring truly feels like we’re shaking out the cold, and breathing in the new freshness.

As much as this still applies to me this year I also feel like I’m “shaking out” a lot of unwanted negativity in myself and my life this time around. Last year was filled with a lot of drama, a lot of grown up decisions I didn't think I was ready for, and some not so great choices that led to some heavy consequences. I felt like no matter what I did I kept taking steps back. I was being held in place; stuck. But this year, this spring, I feel like I’m finally jumping forward.

I've made a commitment to be a better parent, and to put more effort into taking care of my marriage. I've reinforced some friendships and dissolved others. I've taken a step back from school because there was too much going on and I wasn't able to keep up (or afford it). I've learned to not only be happy of the time spent with my family but to show them. Express my gratitude for their help, support, and love. I've made peace with last year, and have decided to leave it in the past. I've decided to learn from it, and allow it to make me better. Stronger. Rather than allow it to become a repeat. Circles are continuous and I do not want to be stuck in that circle any longer.

So, this year will be better because I choose it to be. Just in saying that, I feel like a lot has been lifted from my shoulders. I've taken the pressure off (a bit) in order to look at things realistically. Know my limits, my expectations, and figure out what I’m willing to fight for. Sure it’s not all peachy, life will always throw a curve-ball or take you for a very unexpected ride, but I’m getting to where I want to be. I’m truly learning the meaning of “baby steps”, and I’m perfectly content with my life moving at that speed. It’s a slow shift, but a good one. And I can’t wait to see where the outcome, the fruits of my labor, take me.

Soul Searching

This past year I had very little family time. I was caught up in everything else that I lost sight of some things. Don’t get me wrong, it was a decent year despite all the hardships and I really feel like I've grown into myself a lot. I've handled things to the best of my abilities, and I’m proud of myself for that. I've laid some things to rest and I've also opened up new doors. I've discovered a few things about myself and I hope that this year I get to discover more. But with all of this “newness”, I have to find a way to keep myself grounded. Which means I need to turn the cell phone off, close my laptop, & turn off the TV more often. I need to think before I speak. I need to listen, and learn. I need to make time for what's important and cut out what is not. I need to enjoy the now and open myself up to new adventures.

Currently, my “parenting” (and all that it entails) is not exactly where I’d like it to be. My daughter, who will turn 3 next month, is already catching on to the fact that I spend a lot of time with books, papers, and a computer in front of me. In fact, last week while I was looking at my schedule, and emailing student services she told her father that she needed his help because I was ‘not listening’ to her. Can you believe that? It broke my heart. I don’t want her to think that I purposely ignore her or that I’m too busy for her. So, I need to work on this. I need to set time aside for her, regardless of the circumstances. I need to focus on her, and allow her to have my undivided attention whenever she feels she needs it. And I need to tell myself that sometimes, other things can just wait. My little Ocean, should come before it all. Always.

My marriage is also something that could use some attention. Things have never been easy for us, but this past year we've just been going through it. It just feels like everything has hit us in some form or another. We aren't always on the same page, our schedules are complete opposites, financial stress is at its highest, and communication isn't always our top priority. Now, even though the problems weren't always slapping us in the face, they were right there under the surface. And those are the worst! But we acknowledge it, and try our best to work things out. To understand. Still, it could use some care and attention if we plan on making it till we’re old and grey. Sometimes, things get worse before they get better though. I’m not afraid to admit this either because marriage takes work. And you have to work at it constantly because you're both constantly changing and growing.

And finally I need to continue working on me. For the longest time I felt like I was stuck. Like life was passing me by and I had no clue how to stop it. Confidence in myself and my abilities were at an all time low. The change I craved never came. I kept trying to mold myself into the person, wife, and parent many people expected me to be. I said no, and passed up a lot of things that I wanted to do because I just felt like that was the old me and there was no room for her in my life anymore. I was so unhappy for such a long time. I know it sounds ridiculous but it’s how I felt. I finally made a promise to work on me, and now I feel like it’s paying off. I feel better. Physically and emotionally. I know that there’s still so much more to work on. I know that I’m not exactly where I’d like to be. To be honest, I don’t know if I’ll ever get to the point where I am completely accepting of myself. And there are days when I feel like I’m right back at the beginning. But I’m closer than I was last year, and that’s what I need to always keep in mind.

I feel like this year will bring on even more soul searching, new adventures, and many self discoveries. I just need to be open to them. I need to learn to be quiet, and patient. I need to learn from everything, and others around me. I need to let go of things, and people that need letting go of. And I need to take the good with the bad. I should feel so lucky to be able to learn from any and all of the mistakes I make. They’re a part of life, and the many lessons I have yet to learn. And I’m ready to embrace all of it. I’m ready to move forward, and to grow. You know, carpe diem and all that jazz? So, I’m determined to do this. I’m determined to be a better person, wife, and mother because I want to be. And I’m determined to live the life that I want, in the way that I want to live it.

A New Year!

Well, hello there. I hope everyone had a Happy New Year’s! We had a little get together with family and my parents babysat Emery so we could drink. We played a drinking game, tasted wine, and since we’re in Texas it wouldn't be New Year’s without getting to shoot a shotgun at midnight. I myself had a bit too much fun. But by the end of the night the “other Raquel” graced us with her presence. You know, the mean Mexican one? Yea, her. So, I cut myself off before I got anymore rude, and blunt. And then I put my drunk ass to bed.

The next day we went to pick up our baby, and headed to lunch with my brother and his girlfriend. If I told you that I missed my mini me, that would be one HUGE understatement. The house was entirely too quiet, and when we went to pick her up I couldn't stop hugging her and giving her kisses. This was the second time, in her entire life, that she’s done an overnight stay. Before I started drinking on New Year’s Eve, my anxiety was through the roof. I kept texting my mother to make sure she was okay and that she was behaving. Of course she’s completely spoiled when she’s with them so the only report I got back was that she was “an angel”.

The rest of New Year’s day was spent in our pj’s watching movies on Netflix and Hulu. We cuddled on the couch and barely moved all day. It was relaxing. In fact, it was so relaxing that I hated having to get up for work the next day. It’s always hard to go back to “normal” when you get a four day weekend though. But, I’m glad I got the time off. I’m glad that I was able to spend a few days at home, and that I was able to hang out with family and friends. It was definitely needed.

Here's to 2013! May it be one hell of a year. In a good way. ;) 

Changes?

Big decision. Life changing maybe. It's been really rough the past few weeks. I haven't really been myself. Our routines have been shaken up in the worst possible way. I know that we'll be put through trials in life but sometimes it feels like it's just one right after another. This morning I couldn't figure out if I wanted to laugh or cry. I felt like snuggling up to Emery and just sleeping the day away. But, I can't do that. Life goes one regardless of what anyone's current struggles are. So now, I just have hope that I get some clarity. I hope we can make the right decision. I hope I can make the right choice. And I hope that whatever comes next, I pull through still standing. 

An Offer That I May Have to Refuse...

This morning, my dad showed me a document that was given to him by the company he works for about a job opening. The position is for a Customer Service Representative but it’s in Bakersfield, CA. He asked me if I would want to take it. He told me to think about it, the money was good, and if I decided I wanted it he’d put in a word for me. Now, my dad has a lot of pull when it comes to hiring. He’s not a suit either. He works in the factory, and he’s in there making the parts with all the other works. But when it comes to emergency repairs, hiring new people, and training they always come to him. He’s the go to guy. So for him to “put in a word” more often than not will guarantee me the position.

At first, I was so ecstatic that I almost said yes. We'd finally be back in California!! Maybe not exactly where we had hoped, but still it would be in CALIFORNIA! That idea alone was enticing. But then I realized I can’t just say yes. I have to talk to my husband first. There are so many things to consider before making a big leap like that. I have a job here that I wouldn’t want to just quit without giving at least a two weeks notice to. They've been really good to me and I wouldn’t want to just up and leave them hanging. I’m also currently going to school. Moving would probably cause me to be set back and who knows when I’d get back to my studies or if I’d have the time? And since my husband isn’t currently working, a move like that would deplete our savings entirely. This thought alone leaves a bad feeling in my stomach.

So as much as I’d love to say “Yes, let’s do it!” I have to think about things realistically. We have to think about things realistically. Would we be able to make this move? Is it in our best interest, as a family, right now? Should I postpone my studies? None of these I currently have an answer to. My dad told me to take a week to think about it, let him know, and then we’d go from there if I decided I wanted to apply for it. There seem to be so many obstacles and one major decision. This decision could change our lives, or keep us on our current track. Either way I know that no matter what, my husband and I will make the right decision for our family. 

Baby Girl Willman

I just wanted to say that an acquaintance of mine and my mothers (one of my former co-workers) had her baby girl Thursday, June 16th! I got a call that morning, it was my mother and our friend, wanting to ask me what I thought of the feelings she was having. She said she was having major back pains every few minutes and that she was “leaking water”. Keep in mind she’s a first-time mom and didn't read any type of pregnancy books. I told her that her water had broke, she was having contractions, and she needed to go to the hospital. She said she didn't think it was actual labor because the pain wasn’t in her stomach, and she hadn't felt a gush. I told her again that she was and that the baby was probably positioned differently that why the pain was in her back. I told her that if she had showered that morning (she had) there was a good chance her water had broken then, explaining why she hadn't felt that "gush". She was still a bit skeptical seeing as how she wasn't due for another few weeks, so I told her if she wanted to wait for her doctor to call her back then she could. As I hung up her doctor called her back and told her to come in. LOL! Laura Barbra was born at 4:00 pm, 3 weeks shy of her due date! Both mom and baby are healthy and happy!

Here We Go!

I wish life had a pause button. I could really use a breather. This past weekend was awful! I spent the majority of Saturday and Sunday cleaning. At one point Emery got tired of being inside so we took a break and I aired up her little pool. She absolutely LOVED it! It took her a second to get warmed up to this new “play thing”, but when she finally got comfortable she was splashing around. She did fall backwards, once, but I was in the pool with her (it wasn’t filled up very high) and I got her right back up. I could tell it scared her for a second, but after that she was more cautious about her steps. Now, she keeps pointing at the pool every time we go outside, but the weather has been pretty crappy (we are currently under tornado watch) so we haven’t been able to let her get back in it. Hopefully this week gets better. 

Then, on Saturday night I bought myself a bottle of hypnotic but I didn't even get to finish it. I literally had MAYBE a glass. That was the only down time I was allowed. On Saturday my house looked as nice as it could get. Then Sunday came around and we had to move stuff out which caused it to look like crap again. Right now it’s in between because I did not want to move a single finger yesterday. Well, in the cleaning department anyway. My whole BODY is sore from Saturday and Sunday. This has not been fun. 

Yesterday, I went to Weatherford College to talk to an advisor. Like I had stated in one of my last posts, I want to get back into school but I need some guidance/direction. Well, I got some great feedback! Kim came with me, and I am so thankful for her! I had Emery (we missed her dr. appointment too-oops!), and the drive up there wasn’t too bad. She helped me with Emery, and let me vent out some of my worries, and frustrations (which was VERY much needed). She came in with me, and reminded me of some questions I had. When I was talking to the adviser, she looked after Em. So Kim, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR GOING WITH ME!! As for the feedback, this is what I got: 

Yes, my homeschool transcript will be accepted. No I do not have to take a SAT/ACT/GED test, but I will be taking the COMPASS placement test. Once I take that, if I have any areas that I still need to work on, I will take those basic classes first. She told me where to go to take a “career” quiz to kind of give me an idea as to what I want to study. She also told me to go ahead and apply for financial aid, send in my transcript, and enroll to WC. Then, I can call and schedule a date to take the placement test on a Saturday. After that, I’ll go back to talk about the score, see what areas need more study, and go from there! 

I’M SO NERVOUS! And so excited at the same time! I’m worried about not remembering stuff, and being out of school for so long. YIKES! I’m worried about whether or not I’ll be eligible for financial aid or not, because that’s the ONLY way I could attend. But, I feel like this is a step in the right direction. This is the first step in securing my family a BETTER future! This is my first step at getting us OUT of here!! So, I'm going to our local bookstore today to find a compass study guide, and I’m going to take the books Kim’s mother gave me and brush up on a lot of the subjects. Hopefully by the end of next month, if not sooner, I’ll send my stuff in and get ready to register for FALL classes!! 

*does a little happy dance* 

So, that’s what I’m aiming for! I’m hoping that this all goes through and that I am able to get financial aid. I’m hoping that I can really do this and be good at it. I’m hoping that God allows me to succeed. But now, more than ever, do I really really want a vacation. Just one little trip for like a week. To get some DOWN time before I head into this college madness, because I want to finish in TWO years. I doubt we’ll get to, but it would be nice. I know that going back to school will be stressful, and we might end up a little tight on money. I know that it will be hard, and I might get burned out, but I have to do this. So here’s to a new adventure!

So Much Sadness

I am so emotionally drained.

I kind of feel like I’m just going through the motions. My husband and I talked about “the incident” last night, and we are both disappointed. I really have no idea what he was thinking, but I know from experience that being under the influence of that pill really leaves you without a clue. It’s not an excuse. What he did was wrong, but he did do the right thing by giving it back. So for that, I am proud of him. My husband, on the other hand, is beating himself up over it pretty well. He says he feels like a piece of crap. He keeps telling me that he’s sorry for the things that will be said about me, for being with him. He says he doesn’t deserve any kind of happiness. Anytime he’d laugh he’d stop mid-laugh, and go back to being upset. I told him not to go that far. He still had me and Em. But, I did not appreciate being lied to. I questioned him some more and told him he better answer truthfully. I was in no mood to take anything else, no more lies. I feel satisfied with the answers that I got. Still, he knows what will happen if I find out that he lied to me again. Also, no more pills. If he ever does any of them again, he’ll have to leave. I think the consequences of what he did, and the falling out of some of our friends is really teaching him a lesson though. A pretty hard one.

However, I do not appreciate the threats that were made towards him. I do not appreciate the things being said about him, about us. But, I understand that we reap what we sow. I’m disappointed in some of our “friends”. Disappointed at how mean, cruel, and hurtful they are being. Disappointed at all the judgments being made. Especially when so many of them have done so much worse. Regardless of, if it were years ago or days ago. The mistake was still made. I firmly believe that you can’t be casting stones for a fault that you yourself have committed. I’m disappointed in the band. I’m disappointed at how fast people turned their backs on us. I’m just all around disappointed.

Then, I found out that this little rockstar we had been praying for, lost his battle this past Monday. I am so, so very hurt by this. I stayed up praying for him Sunday night, and begging for him to have more time with his family. Since I heard of his passing I can’t seem to stop spontaneously crying! I am feeling so much pain for his mother. I put myself in their shoes and it hurts too much. I hug Emery so close to me when I have her because I feel like I have to physically hold her and touch her to make sure she’s really here. I know that’s dumb, and I know she’s healthy. But, I feel like it just as easily could have been us. That could have been OUR story. And it makes me so sad to know that this family (or any family for that matter) should ever have to go through this. I've said it so many times, and I'll say it again: No parent should ever have to bury their own baby.

Maya, I am so very sorry. My heart truly breaks for you and your family. I wish I could bring him back to you. You didn't deserve this and Ro especially didn't deserve this! And I am so very very sorry for that. 

via and original

I will never understand why children have to go through any of this. Why must they go through any pain, disease, illness, suffering, or abuse? Why won’t people stop talking about marital rights or “The Wedding”, and start talking about childhood cancer? Or Child Abuse? Or Cystic Fibrosis? Why are there so many selfish people out there that have so much money and spend it on new clothes, make-up, or cars instead of donating it to a cause? Why don’t people take any of these seriously? Why are so many of these organizations underfunded? With as much money as we pay celebrities, we could have advanced so far in research and new drugs. Hell, we might have even found something that could HELP with the money some of these people spend on SHOES! And it blows my mind. It makes me so ashamed...

And finally, I’m just tired. I’m tired of the drama. I’m tired of having to defend ourselves. I’m tired of people bringing negativity into my life. I’m tired of people being two-faced towards us. I’m tired, of everything! I’m so ready to pack up and get the hell out of here! Somewhere no one knows us. I’m wanting to have a fresh start. A new start. Just not sure if we’ll ever get one.   

Just Keep Running

So, now that Em is starting to get more independent (with the walking), and she has finally forgiven her dad for going back to work. It’s starting to be a lot easier for me to leave her in her room, or with my husband and not worry about her screaming her head off. Not because she doesn't scream her head off, because she still does that. But, now I just know that from what I’ve seen she is very capable of distracting herself when she wants to. I also know that there’s nothing actually hurting her, or freaking her out. This puts my mind at ease about her being alone in the room. Plus, she’s started to want to be with her daddy again. So when he’s there, she doesn’t freak out (as much). Which is a good thing! LOL! And so this means, more running for me! More work out time for me! Yay!! I had started this whole work-out plan and it fell through because Emery started getting all clingy. She would cry and cry for long periods of time, and only wanted me. Which was a bit frustrating when I had chores to do. But she didn’t even want to be with her dad, she just wanted me. I'd get behind on laundry or cleaning. I wouldn't even attempt cooking like I really truly wanted to. Then I tried to do these things with her attached to me. Yea...that didn't work!!

So with her being that way, and with trying to catch up on all the stuff left from the week before, it made finding time to work out really hard. And I refuse to be up at 4 am just to get a work out in. I love my sleep time and I would rather starve than not get my sleep. I know I said I would try, but yea, no 4 am workouts for me. However, I did decide to approach this differently and more aggressively! I’m making a "work-out schedule". I even jotted it down in my planner. Because if I don’t, then I won’t see it. And if I DON’T see it, then I don’t feel guilty about it. Which is no bueno! And I really need that running time. It helps me think and clear my head. It’s my own personal time. I just focus on running and overcoming the pain. I don’t really call myself a long distance or short distance runner because I just set a goal for myself, and then try to surpass it the following week. If I don’t, then that’s ok! I try to do half a mile and other times I do two miles, just depends on how I’m feeling. And, just working out, gives me that boost to help me feel good. To know that I’m doing something good for my body and my health! So, I hope the scheduling works out for me, and that I am able to keep up with it! I want to get better at this and maybe go farther than 2 miles? I want to push myself harder and harder!

My motivational help? I placed an old picture of myself, as well as this line on my fridge: 

Come out like a pit-bull with rabies. 

“Don't be afraid of what may or may not happen just charge at everything with all intent of conquering it.”

I read these lines over at Mama and The Dudes. The pit bull one is funny, but at the same time so true! We need to charge at everything in life! Go at it full force and know that we can do anything! I really want to conquer this weight thing. The picture is there to remind me that my goal is attainable. Because I’ve been that small before. I just need to kick my ass a bit to get back to that!

March 2007-After visiting Beau in California (not sure what that black dot on my neck is?)

Also, I’m back to watching my calorie intake, and I’m trying to cook my own lunch and dinners. Trying to eat as clean as I can, even though I slip up a few times a week. Still, baby steps. If I do go over my calorie “budget” then I work out extra that day. I’m also looking into more of a veggie diet! I want my diet during the week to be mainly veggies, fruits, and a few meats. I’m not going to starve myself or deny myself a candy every now and then. Because that will just make me feel like I’m punishing myself, and I hate that feeling! But, I’m tired of being stuck. I’m not losing or gaining weight, but I’m not at the weight I want to be at. I know I can be lighter because I’ve been there already. It just sucks that I’m going to have to work a thousand times harder this time around because I let myself go in the first place. Such is life. Now, I just need to suck it up, and really work at this. I will get to my goal, come hell or high water!

Friendships and Parenting Don't Always Mix

First, let me just say that contrary to this posts “mood”, I am actually in a good mood today. It’s just something I have been thinking about for a while now. Second, this is long! 

So, this post is about friendships and how I feel about some of the friends “in my life” right now. By friends I mean: People you talk to regularly, go visit, or share your thoughts with. And I used to have a ton of people in my life! If you even check out my Facebook, it would seem as though I have more than my fill of friends. But some, I don't even talk to anymore. There was a time when I would have gladly taken a bullet for some, and some I defended with everything I had. But when it came down to it, the minute I was pronounced Mrs. Rosenbalm, it’s like I was no longer a person that could do anything on her own. The calls stopped, and no one invited me anywhere. They would ask my husband “Hey, do you and your girl want to come over and hang later?” or “Hey, do you want to come over? Raquel can come too.” It was like they assumed I wasn’t allowed to make decisions as to where we were going to hang out, or like I couldn’t even go out at all anymore. My husband says they were just “respecting him as being the husband”. And I guess I could see that, but it still bothered me a little.

Well, then I became pregnant. And all of a sudden I was just the party pooper/raging bitch that didn’t want to have fun anymore. Most of my friends took off at this point. No calls, no nothing. My husband got calls though, and then he’d get upset with me for not wanting to go anywhere. But, I was PREGNANT! He wasn’t and he had no idea what was going on inside of me. Now if I wasn’t throwing up, I was tired from being at work all day. If I wasn’t reading up on what pregnancy was going to be like, I was trying to manage bills and rent. It was as if I had gone from being this 21 year old to a sixty years old overnight. I was/am trying to be responsible. And all this while trying to keep my marriage together, trying to have a healthy pregnancy, and trying to keep my husband's drug use to a minimum (and out of jail)- that’s when we started having problems. ((But that’s a story for another time, maybe. Everything’s good now.))

So here are all of my “friends” talking about how I’ve changed so much, and how I just “don’t know how to have fun anymore.” And there I was, wondering why the hell I had these friends in the first place? I mean, really? Who does that? I believe that once you become pregnant, you have some major life-changing to do. It shouldn’t be all about parties, your next high, or “hanging out”.  You are now responsible for a tiny little human. That child will rely on your for a very long time. It is up to you to love them, teach them, care for them, and provide for them. So, it goes without saying that my “fun times” were now pretty much over. Because I couldn’t be in between. I couldn’t be this party girl that got drunk/high every week(end) and be a good mom at the same time. That’s just not going to happen. And that right there was pretty much the nail in some of my friendship coffins. I know that some of these people still talk about it. One “friend” even told my husband recently

“Man, she used to be all about getting high and having a good time, and now she’s just boring and doesn’t want to have anything to do with any of it? Fuckin lame.”

Can you believe that? Being called lame for being a responsible parent? Yea, he’s no longer considered a friend in my eyes. In the end, I really don’t care what he (or anyone else) thinks because I know that I’m doing a damn good job at being a mom. But it just blows my mind that “responsible parenting” is seen as “lame”. And this is why I don’t see how younger girls, rush into it. If you don’t want to give things up, if you still want to go out and rage, don’t let yourself get pregnant! Use protection! I knew from the moment I started having sex (at 19, with my now husband) that if I ever became pregnant I was keeping it, and that I was going to have to leave my party ways behind. And I was ok with those consequences! It would be a responsibility I would (and have) taken gladly. Again, I’m sidetracking...sorry!!

Anyway, I know your life isn’t “over” just because you had a kid. It’s all about balance because you do need time for yourself from time to time. You need to cut loose a bit, for your sanity as well as for your marriage. But I couldn’t dabble anymore. I have such a hard time with balance (in case you haven’t noticed). So I went from one extreme to the other. I went from partying really hard to not going out at all hardly. I went from getting drunk on the weekends to maybe having a total of three beers in a MONTH. All because I don’t want to screw this up. I don’t want to fail at being a mother. I don’t want to let my daughter down. I don’t want there to ever be something more important to me than my family and real friends. Because none of those highs will ever be better than seeing my daughter smile and giggle. Those highs will never be better than getting to see her do things for the first time. I don’t ever want to miss out on that.

To me, being a mom isn’t something you do because everyone else is doing it. It’s not something you do because you think it’ll be nothing but fun. It’s not something you should enter into lightly because you want “someone to love you”. Parenting is hard work. It’s stressful sometimes. You worry, you cry, you have some amazing times. But it’s not something you can just hand back and say “You know what...I’m just not ready for this right now.” This is another human being; another soul that you must care for. And I don’t want to fail her.  Unfortunately, there are people out there that don’t see it that way. I know plenty of parents idiots that even after having a kid continue to use drugs (and I’m not talking about weed). They still get drunk and even bring their child along to the parties (going home after they’ve “sobered up”). And that pisses me off! I wish I could just tell them to grow up! To be responsible for their KIDS! To stop putting their babies in harm's way for their own selfish wants! But, they don’t want to let go. They want to continue life as if they never had a kid.

So that’s why I’m removing some people from my life. And not in an awful “I hate you go away” kind of way. More like a “see you soon” kind of way. Because some of these friends, well, they still haven’t grown up. They are still out there having “good times” with no responsibilities. And I don’t want to feel like I’m missing out on those good times because I can’t be out there doing the same. I don’t want to feel like I’m being left behind when really, I just ran ahead. I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing, and I’m tired of feeling guilty about it. One day, I will find that balance that I want. I will find a way to go out and have fun in moderation. I will learn how to control my liquor and not pick fights with my husband. And I will find new friends! Friends that know and understand what I am going through. Friends that are in the same place in life as we are.

 But right now, it’s time for me to let go of some of the ones that don't...

New Year's Resolutions

We have only two more days, till it is officially 2011!! I don't really get why we all go out of our way to make these resolutions?? Most of us will forget them by February- what they even were to begin with. But, in the spirit of "following everyone else", I have come up with a LIST, of GOALS for this year. Some may even say it's too much and that I should only pick one or two things off of it but, everything can be worked on, a little at a time right? Motherhood has taught me the idea of baby steps is better than none. 

• Pray Every Day
• No nail biting
• Learn to COOK
• Lose 30 lbs (50 lbs altogether)
• No JUNK food or SODA's
• Grow my own vegetable garden
• No texting while driving
• Recycle
• Pay more attention to EMERY
• Pay more attention to my husband
• Bulk up our SAVINGS
• Take a family VACATION
• Have some more ME time
• Let GO! Everything will be ok! 

And those are just a few, lol! What about everyone else out there? Do you make resolutions, or maybe have another tradition altogether?