So Much Sadness

I am so emotionally drained.

I kind of feel like I’m just going through the motions. My husband and I talked about “the incident” last night, and we are both disappointed. I really have no idea what he was thinking, but I know from experience that being under the influence of that pill really leaves you without a clue. It’s not an excuse. What he did was wrong, but he did do the right thing by giving it back. So for that, I am proud of him. My husband, on the other hand, is beating himself up over it pretty well. He says he feels like a piece of crap. He keeps telling me that he’s sorry for the things that will be said about me, for being with him. He says he doesn’t deserve any kind of happiness. Anytime he’d laugh he’d stop mid-laugh, and go back to being upset. I told him not to go that far. He still had me and Em. But, I did not appreciate being lied to. I questioned him some more and told him he better answer truthfully. I was in no mood to take anything else, no more lies. I feel satisfied with the answers that I got. Still, he knows what will happen if I find out that he lied to me again. Also, no more pills. If he ever does any of them again, he’ll have to leave. I think the consequences of what he did, and the falling out of some of our friends is really teaching him a lesson though. A pretty hard one.

However, I do not appreciate the threats that were made towards him. I do not appreciate the things being said about him, about us. But, I understand that we reap what we sow. I’m disappointed in some of our “friends”. Disappointed at how mean, cruel, and hurtful they are being. Disappointed at all the judgments being made. Especially when so many of them have done so much worse. Regardless of, if it were years ago or days ago. The mistake was still made. I firmly believe that you can’t be casting stones for a fault that you yourself have committed. I’m disappointed in the band. I’m disappointed at how fast people turned their backs on us. I’m just all around disappointed.

Then, I found out that this little rockstar we had been praying for, lost his battle this past Monday. I am so, so very hurt by this. I stayed up praying for him Sunday night, and begging for him to have more time with his family. Since I heard of his passing I can’t seem to stop spontaneously crying! I am feeling so much pain for his mother. I put myself in their shoes and it hurts too much. I hug Emery so close to me when I have her because I feel like I have to physically hold her and touch her to make sure she’s really here. I know that’s dumb, and I know she’s healthy. But, I feel like it just as easily could have been us. That could have been OUR story. And it makes me so sad to know that this family (or any family for that matter) should ever have to go through this. I've said it so many times, and I'll say it again: No parent should ever have to bury their own baby.

Maya, I am so very sorry. My heart truly breaks for you and your family. I wish I could bring him back to you. You didn't deserve this and Ro especially didn't deserve this! And I am so very very sorry for that. 

via and original

I will never understand why children have to go through any of this. Why must they go through any pain, disease, illness, suffering, or abuse? Why won’t people stop talking about marital rights or “The Wedding”, and start talking about childhood cancer? Or Child Abuse? Or Cystic Fibrosis? Why are there so many selfish people out there that have so much money and spend it on new clothes, make-up, or cars instead of donating it to a cause? Why don’t people take any of these seriously? Why are so many of these organizations underfunded? With as much money as we pay celebrities, we could have advanced so far in research and new drugs. Hell, we might have even found something that could HELP with the money some of these people spend on SHOES! And it blows my mind. It makes me so ashamed...

And finally, I’m just tired. I’m tired of the drama. I’m tired of having to defend ourselves. I’m tired of people bringing negativity into my life. I’m tired of people being two-faced towards us. I’m tired, of everything! I’m so ready to pack up and get the hell out of here! Somewhere no one knows us. I’m wanting to have a fresh start. A new start. Just not sure if we’ll ever get one.