Shut The Door

Now that the “cat is out of the bag” so to speak, I can also say that the drama was just getting started back then. How so much has changed in almost two months. Never in a million years would I have imagined having to witness some of the stuff that I’ve had to recently. I also never pictured being the person who sat silently while their ex poured their heart out about a baby and his disastrous relationship with his girlfriend, K. Even during some of the conversations we have now, it sometimes feels like an out of body experience. “Will K be coming to Thanksgiving dinner? Do they need to plan for the kids to be there?” and “Maybe she’s not the only one that needs to grow up if your relationship is going to work?” are two statements that have come out of my mouth tonight alone, and it feels so trippy. Sometimes, I sit and playback the conversations in my head and wonder who the hell I am and where the fuck did I misplace my dignity & self-respect? Then I remind myself that this isn’t just about me anymore.

So yes, things have been rather intense lately. There was a threatened miscarriage & hemorrhaging. Em was finally given the news about K’s pregnancy and she wasn’t exactly thrilled. Then there was police involvement, and a CPS investigation opened up on K, which is still active. Also, the reason why I can’t say much, just in case. There’s been an order of protection put in place and it came to light that there were also false accusations that were made. This was followed up with a breakup, a court order, and then K moving away. There’s been a lot of lying in between, and some pretty ridiculous behavior from both of them. Death threats were made against Beau by an ex of K’s and not so shockingly they mentioned knowing where I lived. That was a whole other ordeal. Beau’s house was broken into and a lot of things were doused in gasoline. Not even joking. Appointments were set with lawyers, and there have been visits with Beau’s probation officer. Police were called for a second and third time. Then, last week there were threats of abortion. Because, you know, treating a baby as a pawn in a game is totally healthy. And throughout all of this, Beau & K are off/on depending on the day. To add to the chaos I was also informed by my counselor that I could be pulled into the CPS investigation because K mentioned that Beau had another child. So, if they decided to look into both parties a bit deeper then they could very well show up at my home. And even though I know I’m not doing anything wrong, that is the LAST thing that I need right now.

This is why I’ve done the best that I can to move forward, and stay out of Beau and K’s business. As in, not putting my two cents in or giving advice. I’ve made myself compartmentalize all of my feelings about the situation too. Back in October, it took me a good two weeks of processing before I felt okay again after being informed about the pregnancy. Thankfully, one of my best friends sat with me through some of the darker days. Forcing me to purge all of the thoughts and feelings I had, without judgment. They patiently sat with me to watch countless cheesy movies while also allowing me to cry when I was feeling really sad. And they served as a tether that pulled me back down when my mind started drifting off. A grounding presence when everything around me felt like it was self-destructing with every move I made. I am forever grateful to this best friend of mine because without them I feel like I would have let my depression consume me a lot longer. But after two weeks of grieving and having some really amazing support from those closest to me, I was finally able to move past the sadness and anger. I fully accepted that this was out of my control. And the only thing I could really do was just be there for emotional support if either Beau or K needed it. Not that K would ever accept it, but I still needed to be open to her. I also needed to pray for this baby that was about to come into the world. That nothing bad would happen going forward, and that he/she was able to come into this life as healthy as possible despite K’s lack of self-care during this pregnancy.

By nature, I’m a worrier. I stress over things, and I go over so many different scenarios. I obsess over tiny little details and get fixated on what could have been done differently. Unlearning this way of thinking, and trusting that God has a plan has been one of the hardest things for me to do. And saying little prayers here and there is one of the few things that have been helping me get through it. It’s allowed me to think more positively about the future. It’s allowed me to accept that sometimes we don’t get what we want. Instead, we receive what we NEED. Everything comes on its own time, and when I start to feel those overwhelming emotions I just need to let them go. Instead of dwelling on them, I pray for my family. For Beau and K. For my nephew and my parents. And I pray for my daughter and her soon-to-be half-sibling. That they are allowed to be in our lives, for my daughter’s sake as well as their own. It’s also made me realize that I needed prayer for myself as well. And to be okay with asking others to keep me in their prayers during this time. Because I’m going to need God’s help in whatever comes next. As accepting as I am about the situation now, I know that there are still certain things that will come up that will feel like someone is pouring salt on an open wound. Like the day I was shown the sonograms. That was a pretty intense moment. Then there was the moment when I had to see K with a baby bump and knowing that I’d probably never get to experience that ever again definitely stirred up some hurt. Jealousy and anger too. But the next milestone will be finding out the gender, and I’m not sure if I’m ready for that yet. If K’s having a boy I feel like that will hurt me so much more than if she were to have a girl because I wanted to be the one to give Em a baby brother. As if I had any kind of say in that, to begin with. So, I’m constantly having to tell myself that this is in God’s hands now. The only thing I can really do is pray and give it over to his plan. 

On top of everything going on, did I mention that Beau’s currently sleeping on my couch at night? Since K wasn’t paying the bills and hadn’t been for the past month, all of the utilities were turned off. When we had below-freezing temperatures last week I allowed him to crash on my couch and to store some of his equipment in my shed in the backyard. That’s when he informed me that two weeks ago he was told by his landlords that they would not be allowing him to renew his lease. Of course, none of this is my responsibility and I’m fully aware of this. I’m also not naive enough to believe that Beau had no idea that bills were not being paid. However, that didn’t stop me from feeling pretty bad about him not having heat, electricity, or running water. I did tell him that this was temporary, and only for getting rest at night. If he’s not here by the time Em and I are ready for bed then he has to find someplace else to go. I also made it very clear that I expected him to have a plan by this weekend because my couch was only available for so long. And I really need to get back to my own life. A life without all of the petty drama and negativity that he can’t seem to stay away from. But do you wanna know something interesting? Our time together has actually made me realize a few things. It’s shown me that the person who stands in my kitchen, who sits on my couch, who cracks jokes with Em, or occasionally, I catch watching me as I fold laundry - is not the same person I married eleven years ago. I can see the subtle changes in his face, his demeanor, and the more drastic ones in his eyes. He’s not the same person that I fell in love with all of those years ago. And while I will always love him, always wanting the best for him, somewhere along these past two months I did what I never thought I’d ever be able to do. I uncurled my fingers, wiped away the tears, and let “us” go. I let go of the possibilities and the “what could have been's”. And y’all, I survived it. I quietly, but firmly, shut the door on that life and I finally said goodbye. 

Thanksgiving Day 2016

Goodbyes

Today your family has to let you go. Gigi told me what you did before Thanksgiving. I hope you know that we're all proud of you. And I'm still praying that when it comes time that you'll breathe on your own. I believe in miracles, and I know God can do big things. But if you can't...it's okay. If you don't want to come back...that's okay too. You're going to be missed, James. I understand how big of a pull that better place probably is though. That peace. I also know that sometimes we don't get what we want in life. No matter how hard we pray for it. Maybe we're being selfish with our request? Maybe this decision isn't up to you? I guess I'm just really grateful for the time we did get with you. I wish it had been longer. I know about the struggles, and I know that life wasn't easy for you. But I'll always remember you as the surfer kid who smirked before giving that full blown smile, and had such a silly sense of humor. As the guy who wanted to change his life for the better, and was so close to getting on that path. So whatever happens, rest easy. We love you, and we carry you in our hearts. 

Always. 💕

James

It was February 2009, and still a bit chilly out, but I was so excited to be back in California that not even the cold could ruin my mood. We were on our way to the beach, but first we were making a stop at one of Beau's cousin's house. I remember walking up to the little house with palm trees in the front yard. We walked up to the front door, and through the screen I could see one gigantic rottweiler just staring us down while giving a low growl. Right behind him was this young thin framed kid, who looked like he had just woken up, reaching over to unlatch the door.

You had a smirk on your face. I will never forget that. Your eyes crinkled when you smiled, and your head was shaved down pretty short which I later learned was basically your staple look. I remember how you laughed, and cracked jokes. The night before had been pretty wild for you, and your brother at this party you were telling us about. You were both just waking up, and once we arrived all three of you started making plans to have the rest of the family meet up for lunch. But first, I had to see the ocean. I had to go stand on that beach. You told me it was a good day for it. We stayed there about thirty minutes, smoking, and talking about your plans. About ours. I had a plastic bottle in my hand, and I remember tapping it on my leg. Everyone was making their way out of the room, and as I started to get up I looked down for a moment. As I looked back up I was face to face with the rottweiler. He started to growl, and there I was half sitting, half standing; frozen. Your brother and Beau had walked into the kitchen, and you were coming back in to grab some papers. I'm sure you saw the panic on my face because this dog was almost the size of a Saint Bernard, and I had no idea what to do other than to stay still. I remember you laughing. I remember scowling at you, as you said "Give him the bottle." Everyone else came back to see what was going on. "He's not going to let you out of the room until you give him the bottle." So, I slowly offered up the bottle, and that giant of yours snatched it from my hand and trotted off. And then you smirked.

It was February 2012, and it was cold in Texas. I had just gotten home from work, and Beau had told me that his cousin was coming over. He had been there a few months already to "get his shit together", but now he was off to better things. He was going home. But he needed to stay the night. I can't remember what time he came in, and truth be told I was so damn tired with classes and work that I really didn't care. It was Thursday, and I just wanted to make it through Friday without falling asleep at my desk. So I was a little agitated when Beau asked if I didn't mind waking up earlier (than originally planned) to take his cousin into town so he could grab a few things before catching a bus ride out of town. Saying goodbye to that extra hour of sleep, I agreed.

You were up before I was. Excited to be going home. We had a 25 minute drive ahead of us, and I'm sure the fact that I wasn't a morning person became very apparent, very quickly. I don't think I was rude; just tired. I felt like I was moving in slow motion. After getting dressed, we bundled up, and you said your goodbyes to Beau. Then we were off. I asked you why you were leaving so soon? Was Texas really that bad? "It's not home," you said. "And what exactly is home?" I countered. "My family, the beach, the salty air! Don't you remember it?" you asked me. "Well of course I do, but sometimes going home isn't always in the cards. Sometimes we can't go back until we've learned what we need to from being where we currently are in life." I explained. You laughed at me, crinkled eyes, and simply said, "Home is home. You always find your way back." So I asked you what you would be doing? You explained your plans, and what you hoped would happen when you got there. You told me to pull into Starbucks, and you bought me a coffee. We sat there in line and I kept asking you questions. Where would you go? What's the first thing you'd do? Do you remember what you told me? You said, "When I get back I'm going to get on my board, and paddle out. I miss surfing! I miss the beach. You have nowhere to surf here; Texas should really fix that." I laughed and rolled my eyes as you asked, "How can you stand being so far way from the ocean?" Looking over I simply stated "I grew up here, I'm used to it. Oceanside spoiled me though. I do miss the beach."  You smiled and shook your head before continuing, "Well, anyway, I'm going to sit on my board as the waves lap under me. And I'm going to enjoy the ride." We continued talking about small things, and as I dropped you off at your Aunt's house I gave you this awkward side hug. You told me that you'd see us the next time we came out to visit. And I told you that it would probably be you coming back to visit us first. "Maybe," you replied as you closed the car door. I rolled down the window, "Hey! Take care of yourself, okay?" I called out. You turned around, and waved. And then you smirked.

It's November 2016. It's chilly, but unusually warm for this time of year. We got the news on Thanksgiving morning. It wasn't good. But we prayed, and that request branched out to others as well. There was hope, and every single moment that my mind was not focused on something else it was praying for him. I prayed as I drove, and right before bed. I prayed when I woke up, and as I got dressed. On Saturday we were told that things looked better, and we all sat in Gigi's kitchen crying, hugging, and thanking God. There was this sigh of relief, and it's as if we didn't realize we had been holding our breath. We prayed some more. We had hope. We smiled, and we clung to that progress so tightly that our fingers would have turned white had it actually been a physical rope. But then Sunday morning greeted us, and you had gotten worse. 

I am so mad at you, kid. "Wake up, damn it." You never came for that visit. We didn't get a chance to go see you. "Wake up." A lot of people are hurting right now, do you see it? Do you see how loved you are? How much you are wanted? You were supposed to beat this. Grow old, meet that soulmate I know is out there for you, and have a bunch of kids. Okay maybe just two? "Wake up." You were supposed to be there when we finally get a chance to go back to that beach. Your beach. My beach. And I needed you to let me borrow a surfboard, to help me paddle out, so I could have that "eye opening" epiphany I know is waiting for me out there on those waves. "You have to wake up." You are kind, funny, caring, and loyal. That is apparent in all of the ways that you treat your friends and family. You are also set in your ways, and so damn stubborn. You made mistakes, I get it. And you slipped into a life that we all would rather you didn't. But we all have our faults, and every one of us has issues. Don't you see that? "Wake up, wake up." Today is your birthday. You're now twenty seven years old, and this is not how it should be spent. There should be drinks, and dinner. A party, and gifts. You should be visiting your mom, and thanking her for giving you life because she's a champ for going through childbirth without wine. Today is your day, kid. "Move." I didn't get a chance to really get to know you. But the handful of times that we spoke I knew you were a great person right off the bat. Do you remember the times you spent at our house, the rundown little shack, and how you'd bring us left over food from the steakhouse? The coffee you bought me when you knew I had been up for a long stretch? Your love for animals, and how kind you are to them. I mean, Sampson loved you when you came over. And the way you held Emery when she was little, and made the peek-a-boo faces with her. Yea...I caught that. These were all the things you did because you are good. Cracks and all. And a lot of people need to see that. You have your whole life ahead of you, and I need you to take it. "Please...wake up..."

Whatever happens, I will always remember this smile. That smirk. The way your eyes light up, crinkle up, and that laugh. I'm still praying for a miracle. I'm still holding onto hope, and I am grasping so tight because I don't want to let go just yet. All of this emotion from someone who only met you a few times is probably weird, huh? But you're Beau's family, and that makes you my family. His loss, and their loss is also my own. We always asked about you, and hoped that one day something would click. I looked forward to hearing that you were doing well. I found out from Gigi that things were turning around for you, and maybe that's why this reality is so hard to accept right now? You are such a light, James. For so many, and it sucks that you might not even know it. I know Beau doesn't say much or show much emotion when around everyone, but trust me when I say that inside the privacy of our home he let it out. The anger, the sadness, the hurt, and the loss was all there. We are all feeling it. I hope you know how loved you are though. How much your absence would/will be felt. But most of all I wish you peace in whatever comes. Until we meet again...💚

*The picture above was taken by his mom. Credit goes to her.

A Short Recap Of The Holidays

Well hello, 2014. That definitely came up a lot faster than I expected. Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and New Years! Here's a SHORT (it only looks long because of the pictures) recap of what we were up to: 
I had the whole week of Christmas off (paid), thanks to a really wonderful boss! I don't know how I got so lucky to find this company but I am truly grateful for it. My first day of vacation was all planned out, when we got the news that one of my aunt's sisters died very unexpectedly (she was in her 40's) from the flu. And that kicked off a very hectic holiday for us. We had family from Georgia coming down again, and family from California coming in at the same time. 

my uncle at the last minute decided to hold up his "gat" and blocked my face :( also this was only half of us
On Christmas night, our puppy Gotham died after getting into some cow patties out at my husband's grandmother's house. As far as we can tell, she probably got into some poisonous mushrooms. She vomited a few times during the day, but then went back to her normal self. I assumed she was just hacking up whatever didn't agree with her because she seemed fine as we headed home. She was bouncy, and playful so nothing seemed out of the norm. We put her in her crate for the night and when we woke up she was gone. :( We were all very heartbroken, and at a loss. This makes two dogs in less than three months so my husband and I have decided to hold off on any more dogs for awhile. Unless something comes up, we won't be seeking to add another fur-baby to our family anytime soon. 

We officially said goodbye to our old house. We gathered what we could bring with us (read: what would fit in a tiny room) and shut everything off at our old house. We left behind the majority of our things that will be boxed up as soon as we find our own place, but for now we'll keep them there. My family has talked about knocking the house down as soon as we're all moved out. It's sad, bittersweet, but the house is not livable so there are hardly any other alternatives. There are so many memories in this house, on this land, and it makes me so sad to see it go.   

We rang in the New Year with Beau's family. The afternoon was spent at my parents house with them, so we were able to spend time with both of our families. But, being the responsible adults that we are, we wanted to make sure that we stayed wherever it was that we'd be drinking at. I don't mean getting drunk either because I had two glass of wine and my husband had 3 beers. I don't like driving anywhere regardless of whether it's one drink or six. So we stayed there with everyone. Our age is showing though because out of all of us only 4 adults stayed up to midnight. And we went to bed shortly after the countdown was over. :) 

I know this says Christmas but it was taken on New Years Eve. I did not take this either; credit goes to Taylor.
So that was our holiday. Our California family have returned to California and the last of our Georgia family will be leaving over the weekend. My vacation time was a lot busier than I had hoped but I enjoyed getting to see everyone. Now it's back to work, and back to school. I have a meeting with a student board next week, and if everything goes as planned my spring semester will start on the 13th. We're also currently looking at some houses and I'm hoping to be in our own place by the end of this month. Fingers crossed! Again, I hope you all had a wonderful time with your families over the holiday's! 

Wordless Wednesday

click the picture - read his story

Goodbye Little Man

Dear Keegan,

I’m so sorry that you had to go. I’m so sorry that we all failed you. You are such a beautiful soul, and I know that you’re in a better place. But that doesn’t stop us from wanting you back here. To be with your family where you belong. You will be so deeply missed little man. We love you to the moon, and back.

Dear Beth,

If you ever get to read this I just wanted to let you know that I am so, so very sorry. I’m so sorry that we failed you. I’m so sorry that you had to go through this. No mother should ever have to deal with the loss of their child. You have been so brave, and honest. So open, and I want to thank you for sharing Keegan with us. He is such a beautiful, beautiful little boy. It truly breaks my heart to see what you and you’re family have to go through now. Nothing I say could possibly ease you’re pain, but I hope that God brings you some comfort. You are all in my prayers.      

Lots of Love and My Deepest Condolences,

The Rosenbalm Family

So Much Sadness

I am so emotionally drained.

I kind of feel like I’m just going through the motions. My husband and I talked about “the incident” last night, and we are both disappointed. I really have no idea what he was thinking, but I know from experience that being under the influence of that pill really leaves you without a clue. It’s not an excuse. What he did was wrong, but he did do the right thing by giving it back. So for that, I am proud of him. My husband, on the other hand, is beating himself up over it pretty well. He says he feels like a piece of crap. He keeps telling me that he’s sorry for the things that will be said about me, for being with him. He says he doesn’t deserve any kind of happiness. Anytime he’d laugh he’d stop mid-laugh, and go back to being upset. I told him not to go that far. He still had me and Em. But, I did not appreciate being lied to. I questioned him some more and told him he better answer truthfully. I was in no mood to take anything else, no more lies. I feel satisfied with the answers that I got. Still, he knows what will happen if I find out that he lied to me again. Also, no more pills. If he ever does any of them again, he’ll have to leave. I think the consequences of what he did, and the falling out of some of our friends is really teaching him a lesson though. A pretty hard one.

However, I do not appreciate the threats that were made towards him. I do not appreciate the things being said about him, about us. But, I understand that we reap what we sow. I’m disappointed in some of our “friends”. Disappointed at how mean, cruel, and hurtful they are being. Disappointed at all the judgments being made. Especially when so many of them have done so much worse. Regardless of, if it were years ago or days ago. The mistake was still made. I firmly believe that you can’t be casting stones for a fault that you yourself have committed. I’m disappointed in the band. I’m disappointed at how fast people turned their backs on us. I’m just all around disappointed.

Then, I found out that this little rockstar we had been praying for, lost his battle this past Monday. I am so, so very hurt by this. I stayed up praying for him Sunday night, and begging for him to have more time with his family. Since I heard of his passing I can’t seem to stop spontaneously crying! I am feeling so much pain for his mother. I put myself in their shoes and it hurts too much. I hug Emery so close to me when I have her because I feel like I have to physically hold her and touch her to make sure she’s really here. I know that’s dumb, and I know she’s healthy. But, I feel like it just as easily could have been us. That could have been OUR story. And it makes me so sad to know that this family (or any family for that matter) should ever have to go through this. I've said it so many times, and I'll say it again: No parent should ever have to bury their own baby.

Maya, I am so very sorry. My heart truly breaks for you and your family. I wish I could bring him back to you. You didn't deserve this and Ro especially didn't deserve this! And I am so very very sorry for that. 

via and original

I will never understand why children have to go through any of this. Why must they go through any pain, disease, illness, suffering, or abuse? Why won’t people stop talking about marital rights or “The Wedding”, and start talking about childhood cancer? Or Child Abuse? Or Cystic Fibrosis? Why are there so many selfish people out there that have so much money and spend it on new clothes, make-up, or cars instead of donating it to a cause? Why don’t people take any of these seriously? Why are so many of these organizations underfunded? With as much money as we pay celebrities, we could have advanced so far in research and new drugs. Hell, we might have even found something that could HELP with the money some of these people spend on SHOES! And it blows my mind. It makes me so ashamed...

And finally, I’m just tired. I’m tired of the drama. I’m tired of having to defend ourselves. I’m tired of people bringing negativity into my life. I’m tired of people being two-faced towards us. I’m tired, of everything! I’m so ready to pack up and get the hell out of here! Somewhere no one knows us. I’m wanting to have a fresh start. A new start. Just not sure if we’ll ever get one.