Carnival Love

On Monday as I was driving home from work I saw three carnival vehicles parked at a shopping center. It's been almost four years since the carnival has been to our town so I assumed these guys were grabbing some food; passing through. On Tuesday as I was driving home from work there were more trucks, a few vendor booths, and the Ferris Wheel had been set up. Now why is this important you ask? Well, it's not really that important. We just really love carnivals! The music that's played, the food you get to try out, and most importantly the rides. It all makes for a pretty good time in a very small town. So that's how we spent our Wednesday afternoon. 

Tomorrow the little will go in for her first surgery. On Wednesday night when we were snuggled up on the couch after all of the excitement from the day had worn off she turned to me, and asked what would happen if she didn't wake up after surgery? Apparently someone has told her that she'll be "put to sleep" and then "be cut open". I tried to reassure her that everything would be okay. I let her know that she wasn't being cut open the way that she thought, and that she wouldn't even feel a thing because she'd be asleep the whole time. I told her that once it was all over I'd be there when she woke up, and soon afterwards we'd come home. However, even with that reassurance she still ended up crying. And I won't say that I haven't been stressed over this myself. I've been extremely nervous about it since we scheduled the procedure. I know she's in good hands, and it's a great hospital. It will be a minimally invasive surgery since they'll be going in through her belly button. It shouldn't take more than an hour, and she'll be released to go home that evening. It's still nerve wracking to me because I can't be there with her the entire time. I can't hold her hand through it. I've also never had to be put under before so I have no idea what's in store for her. I've been told this is pretty normal for parents to freak out a bit before their child's surgery. Regardless of how small it is so that's comforting in a way. We've been letting her do as much running around as she wants this week because we were told she probably wouldn't feel like doing much for about five days post surgery. 

The only hiccups we've had are in regards to financial assistance for this surgery. This is my first time ever having to do this, but since our employer stopped providing/offering family insurance we've had to do without. I've paid for everything out of pocket, and my parents have helped with medicine here and there. The truth of the matter is that we/I can't afford to get insurance. And we don't qualify for CHIPS or Medicaid. So this will all be self paid, and if you've ever seen these bills you know it can be daunting. Other than that everything has been business as usual in regards to her. She's enjoying vacation bible school, her grandpa bought her a pool which she's been living in pretty much the past week. We've taken the dogs out a lot recently, and snubbed that flea issue. Once Emery gets back to feeling better she has a few camps she's expressed interest in for the month of July. So, Summer has actually been really good to us. I hope everyone else is having a wonderful time as well. Until the next post! 

It's Okay

Last Friday, I sat down with my mom and we went over my budget. I made more cuts. I looked into extra discounts on my insurance. And I'm waiting until I can pay my internet bill (it's passed due) before looking into getting it lowered, or last resort...turned off. I'm reverting back to the basics. I know last Thursday's post seemed rather dramatic. I was feeling so overwhelmed, and every little problem just seemed so much more bigger than I could handle at that time. But I wasn't exaggerating when I said that I've fallen behind. Being in such a crappy financial situation really leaves me insecure. It leaves me feeling really helpless, and my anxiety attacks start becoming an every day thing. It's sometimes makes me feel like I'm suffocating for hours before I can calm myself down. I really hate going through that. I really hate how controlling it can be, mentally. So, after the last attack I had on Wednesday I decided to just ask my mom to look over my finances with me in order to start getting back on track. I'm actually feeling pretty good about the plan we have in place.

I had a phone session with my counselor last week too. With all of the rain, and flooding going on I didn't want to chance getting stuck somewhere so we opted for a phone session. I didn't realize how much I needed it until he got on the line. Everything came out: my stress at work, issues with my finances, having to move my daughter's surgery, and the emotional roller coaster I had been riding on the past week. I voiced some concerns which I had been keeping to myself, and some of the feelings I had kept bottled up. Once it was all out there he helped get me back on track a bit. I was reminded of what I needed to be focused on, what was NOT to be my concern anymore, and what I needed to keep working towards. When I hung up I felt refocused, and determined. If any of you are struggling, or even just feeling a bit off I highly recommend talking to a counselor. Mental health is important, and sometimes it's great to have someone who can see things from a different perspective. So, I've come into this week looking forward. I feel like I've found my two words for this year, after looking back at everything over the passed few days. Respect and Forward. Only took me half of the year to "find" them and normally people just use one, but those two seem to pop up for me the most.

I had a bit of an emotional moment last week as well. I blame it on one of the side effects from having a monthly cycle. Everything was just extra...extra heightened. You know? Everything you feel or think is magnified by a thousand during that week. There were a few things that needed to be addressed, and even though things were left kind of open for more discussion I don't think my husband or I will be on the same page in regards to the topics we discussed. So, after everything was said and done I sat on my kitchen floor with a glass of wine, and let myself have a bit of a mopey cry. Not exactly sure what will happen next, because my situation is a little different, but we've talked about the possibility of seeing a lawyer again soon. That's not to say we've decided one thing or another. It's just something that we need to do in order to get more information. This is ALL new territory to me, to him, and I have no idea what we're doing. I have to keep telling myself that it's okay to not be sure. It's okay to not know what my next step is. It's okay to take things a day at a time. It's all okay.

Hard Times

Written on May 24, 2016

This week's bills went over what I make by about $250. I got a notice from my daughter's school about how I forgot to send lunch money so she would be placed on the "alternative meal plan" until her account was filled. Then I got a note from the teacher about needing my $3-$5 contribution for the end of school year party. My daughter's surgery was scheduled for June 3rd, but now it looks like it will be pushed back to June 24th because I am applying for financial assistance. Due to some unforeseen circumstances, my entire savings account, my cushion, was depleted. Things had to be paid in order to not get turned off. I cancelled some subscriptions we didn't necessarily need. I asked for extensions, and even with that, I couldn't afford to buy groceries. I sat in my car after dropping my daughter off with my dad, and just cried.

The entire time, I ask myself how the fuck did I get here? My honest answer is one that I really don't want to say out loud: Me. I got myself here by allowing myself to be a push over. When my husband left, I was devastated and heartbroken, but during his absence I had built up my savings. My bills were paid on time. I had money to go see a movie, or get pedicures with my daughter on a whim. I penny pinched and saved. I was only having to pay for two mouths. Since he's been living with us, all of that has gone away. And I have no one to blame but myself. I let it happen. I "fixed" the money problems he got himself into instead of letting him figure things out on his own. I just pushed money into his lap so he could go out and get the "simple" luxuries he "needed" instead of allowing him to dwell in the discomfort that comes with not having anything. I allowed it. I was over hearing about how he had nothing, and how he never got to do anything. Always coming to me for answers because isn't that what a spouse is supposed to be there for? When he turned things around on me recently, getting upset for not being able to pay for a basic doctor's appointment/his medication, I allowed his words to make me feel like I wasn't doing enough. I'm not saying that this is completely his fault either. Though he did play a part. Being a people-pleaser when it comes to my family is the real issue. Ultimately, the problem is my inability to say "NO". I found myself being asked for a solution to our current situation, and I couldn't think of one. All I did know was that I couldn't solve it on my own, and without taking some pretty drastic measures.

Last night, as I laid in bed, snuggled up with my daughter I allowed myself to cry. I kept thinking about what all had happened that day and it was so overwhelming. After I had picked her up from school she asked if we could get some tacos, and I told her that we couldn't. She pulled out her little purse and said "Mom, I'll treat us to tacos IF you let me get a small strawberry drink." She then handed over $5. So, I allowed her to pay for her taco, a burrito, and the strawberry slushy drink that she wanted. When I got home from work she asked for a sandwich, but we had no bread. When I told her we could make some Mac' N' Cheese instead she wrinkled her nose, and asked "Mmm what about maybe just a salad?" But when we both went to look in the veggie drawer there was no lettuce. Or tomatoes. "It's okay mommy, I like Mac' N' Cheese, let's do that." And I felt terrible. I mean black hole in the pit of my stomach horrible. I wanted to cry right there, and apologize a thousand times for letting us get to this point. Instead, I asked my mother if she would let my daughter eat dinner with them for the rest of this week because I know I won't be able to afford groceries.

I can't believe that this is where I'm at in life. I can't believe I'm almost thirty years old, and I am still struggling like this. My paycheck is gone before I even get it. There is no breathing room. What the hell am I going to do?

:::UPDATE:::

I wrote the above portion of this post last week. Right afterwards I had an anxiety attack, a pretty big one, so I left it unfinished. I eventually did go out and buy some essential grocery items (bread, sandwich meat, milk, breakfast cereal, etc.). By Wednesday I had grown tired of not being able to make/grab something when my daughter said she was still hungry after getting home in the evenings so I decided to just go buy a few things that we really needed. I didn't care if the internet got turned off, or if the electricity was past due. 

We're still really strapped for money, and things have been really stressful. Thankfully, I'll be getting some overtime soon now that my daughter is not in school. Unfortunately, I now have only five days to find a babysitter. Our current sitter had some unexpected things come up for her family here, and it caused them to have to move up their Mexico vacation so she will be leaving next week for about a month. The original plan was that she would be gone for the end of summer in order to give me time to find someone else. But things happen which is understandable. I have no idea where I'll find someone who will watch her for less than $60 a week.  Can you believe I was getting that deal in the first place? That is about ALL I can afford right now. Which even that is stretching it. 
 
Here's a run down of what else has been going on: The little's last day of school was last Friday. I cried. My pursing a Bachelors Degree has been put on pause. Indefinitely. Cook's Children should be getting back to us in regards to financial assistance at the end of this week. If I don't hear back from them by Thursday we reschedule her surgery. With all of this rain flooding we've been getting it looks like we are getting a flea problem inside and outside of our home. Not being able to cut the grass has made things so much worse. The dogs are going to need extra flea treatments which are NOT cheap. And did I mention the flooding? This past weekend we had a family reunion which I'll post about later. It was fun getting to see everyone, and we had a blast. And that about covers everything. If anyone wants to give me $1,000 to get myself back on track I accept PayPal. :)

Wordless Wednesday